Original subtitles

[Music playing]

Man: ♫ Motel room, pale and white ♫

♫ Dingy curtains repel the light ♫

♫ No closet doors, 3 lamps, no clocks ♫

♫ Piled in the corner are dirty socks ♫

♫ In my motel room ♫

♫ In my motel room ♫

♫ In my motel room ♫

♫ I'm the motel king for a day ♫

♫ Read the rules on the back of the door ♫

♫ Sheets are burned, they're yellow and torn ♫

♫ TV's beaming its eerie glow ♫

♫ Stays on silent until I go ♫

♫ To my motel room ♫

♫ To my motel room ♫

♫ In my motel room ♫

♫ I'm the motel king for a day ♫

[violin playing classical music]

[Microwave beeping]

Aah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh!

Yo...

[violin playing]

I went to bed at 3 a.m.

You still weren't home.

You've got a lot of explaining to do, mister.

[Kiss]

I wonder if you still have any blood in your alcohol.

Aah!

Aah!

[Country western music playing]

Woman: ♫ I got nipples on my titties ♫

♫ Big as the end of my thumbs ♫

♫ I got something between my legs ♫

♫ That'll make a dead man come ♫

[cheering]

♫ Come on, honey, shake 'em dry ♫

♫ And when you hear me holler, baby ♫

♫ Come on and shake 'em dry ♫

♫ Well, I've... ♫

[rip]

Woman: Aah! Ooh! Ooh!

[Snoring]

[Ring]

Michael is coming for lunch.

End of conversation.

Do you want to hurt me, Ramona?

Yes.

You're hurting me.

Good.

Answer the phone.

[Click]

[Ring] I can't live like this.

My words, my advice

mean nothing to you no more. ¿Por que?

Because it's fucking nonsense.

[Phone ringing] That's por que.

Who gave you a permit to cuss in front of your own father, huh?

Permission. What?

"Who gave you permission?" Not "a permit."

You are hurting me, Ramona.

[Cat meows]

Hello.

How are you today? Ha ha ha.

She looks like your mom.

Shut up.

From the side, she does.

[Rip]

Ah...

[ding]

Here you go, ladies.

[Ding]

So, I have a whorehouse instead of a motel.

I have a looker instead of a respectful daughter.

I'm, uh... fucked.

Are you cussing in front of your own daughter?

Perdoname, darling.

So... Michael is coming for lunch?

Right?

Over my dead body.

[Speaking russian language]

[Hair dryer whirring]

Oh, god!

Pick it up. Pick it up.

Pick up the fucking phone.

[Ring]

Bueno.

Hello. Hi. This is an emergency.

One of your tenants is sleeping in my bed.

Michael is the man I love!

Did you have sex with him?

Sex?!

That wasn't sex.

How can you ask your own daughter about sex?

What kind of question is that?

Si o no?

Of course not.

I'm not answering that!

You are a disgrace.

Well, thank you. Is this the front desk?

Si, señora. Who are you?

Lillian, room 4. Look, you gotta help me out. The door is stuck. I can't get out.

I've tried everything. I can't wake this bastard up.

What bastard?

The guy. The stinking drunk in my bed.

I would never have sex with him!

It's all right these days.

My own daughter had sex

with some rich maricon she just met.

I met Michael 2 weeks ago! I know him!

I raised you for 22 years! You think I know you?

This is fucked up.

Look, is there some supervisor I can speak to or something?

I need no supervisor, young lady. I run this establishment.

All right, then come up here

and help me get this guy out of my bed.

What were you thinking when you dragged him in?

I didn't "drag him in."

I don't even know him.

He must have wandered into the wrong room in the middle of the night.

Escuchame. I run this place for 5 years,

and no woman has ever gotten mixed up

and went to bed with me! Not even a stinking woman!

Well, surprise. It happened to me.

You want me to call the police?

Just come up here and carry him out.

He belongs in room 6.

So you know him.

Listen, lady, I'm sorry, but you sound cuckoo.

What about the man you checked in with?

That was my fiancee.

Let me guess. This one is what?

A... how do you say it?

Your last fling? Something to diddle over there?

Hey, Ramona, baby. Listen to your father.

You do stupid things without using your head,

you go loca in no time,

like señora in room 4.

Screw you! Uh!

[Sighs]

This one is a shitty mañana, man.

Alex.

Hmm?

Do you remember these women?

Vaguely.

I think they're hookers.

We paid for this?

You bet you did.

We're prepaid escorts.

And you two monkeys

are supposed to be discriminating gentlemen.

Good morning. Hey.

Get the hell out of my bed.

Who are you?

I'm your big fucking problem. That's who I am.

Oh, 'cause, uh... I was, uh...

I was, uh...

yeah.

Uh!

Hey. You know, she's... she quite a girl.

Can you help me out here?

Quit dreaming, Prudence. We're out of here.

Thank you, Jesus.

Oh, God.

I feel like I'm in church.

I feel like shit.

I feel like you owe us another 500 bucks.

We agreed on a bonus if we stayed all night. Remember?

Fuck... you.

No, no, no. Uh-uh.

You had your chance, but you couldn't get it up.

Jesus christ!

What are you...

Are you nuts?

Are you winking at me?

I am not winking.

This eye blinks sometimes when I am tense.

Well, relax then,

because you're annoying the shit out of me!

Where did you come from?

Tarzana, actually.

Look, lady. Ok? I just woke up

to that knife in my ass, and I'm soaking wet.

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Last night, I decide to sort out my messy life.

I check into this motel. I order in.

I lock the door.

I do 10 sets of 20 pushups.

I have some wine. And what happens?

I wake up next to a nervous tic from Tarzana.

Stop doing that!

Where the hell is tarzana anyway?!

That's between Van Nuys and Encino.

They are escorts, man.

What did you think we were... whores or something?

No, but, um... do you guys accept credit cards?

Pete. What?

You're gonna pay another 500 bucks

for miss sis-boom-bah of the pep rally?

A man who pays 500 bucks for a woman is lonely

and probably pathetic.

I've never met a woman who paid for it.

Anyway, you had a lot more class

when you were licking my saddle shoe.

Prudence...

He's very sorry for what he just said.

You're sorry, right?

Oh, nice.

Look at me.

I think that you look like... Oh...

at least a million bucks.

Thank you, Peter.

You're a... you're a true gentleman.

And you are... are... are my bitch.

No, um... i mean... I mean, I really mean it,

in a good way.

In a good way. In a good way.

Can... may i?

[Kiss]

[Kiss]

Ha ha ha!

One more time.

[Pfffft]

Oh, you're silly.

No...

Ok, if you're here for money,

there's a thousand bucks in my pant pocket.

It'll pay for 10 therapy sessions or a bucket full of Valium.

I am going back to bed.

That's it. I am cutting your trespassing ass.

Knock your socks off. Stab away.

I'm calling the Police.

That's a great idea.

Ask them if they've got a straitjacket.

Yeah, well, if the police don't kick your ass,

my fiancee will.

Fiancee?

Alex.

Yes, dear?

You see, now I knew your character was questionable.

That's exactly why I copied down

your driver's license number last night...

so that an ex-convict friend of mine

who just so happens to be my... representative,

Mr. Tangerine, could come and pay

your little sorry ass a visit

and cook your huevos sunny side up.

[Ahem]

[Ahem]

I have 9.

I have a nickel.

So, is that ok?

No?

Your room is number 6.

This can't be true. This is actually your room?

The heavens part.

This is something, huh?

This is nothing.

Get out.

Man, you're hostile. I mean, god.

Well, what are you suggesting?

That you haven't met the right guy yet.

No, i have met the right guy.

I just don't know where he is.

He's bad with time.

That doesn't exactly sound

like a storybook engagement to me.

I must be the only one who hasn't read that fairy tale.

Tell me again, what's the moral of that story?

You embrace reality. You don't fall in love with someone's potential.

Sometimes a guy's potential is the best a girl can do.

You're a fairly attractive woman,

if it weren't for the psychotic episodes.

"Fairly attractive"?

You're sexy when you're pissed.

Are you flirting with me?

No. I'd never flirt with you.

Right. Good.

Why not?

Mr. Tangerine and I will be back for my money.

And I am a woman of my word.

Oh!

Yo, mistress Penelope. You forgot your whip thing.

Ok.

Bye. See you later.

Whoa! That...

that was one phenomenal escort.

Yeah.

Penelope takes our craft to a whole new level.

You think that she's gonna come back?

No doubt.

Well, I got to run.

[Kiss]

Thank you.

Gosh. Men can be so weak.

[Giggles]

[Door closes]

Alex.

Huh?

Even the escorts that we paid

to treat us like discriminating gentlemen...

they think that we're losers.

I don't even know why I agreed

to come to Hollywood with you.

And when are we actually gonna go to Hollywood, huh?

[Operatic music playing]

[Humming]

Hey, dad.

Bueno.

You still mad at me?

[Sighs]

Do you know...

when your madre passed away...

how do you say it?

I just lost it or something. ¿Entiendes?

She was very pretty, but very stubborn,

worse than you.

I know it's hard to believe that.

I wish I knew her.

You know what, dad?

I'm gonna take care of you.

I'd do anything for you.

Really?

[Kiss]

Baby.

Hmm?

What about the Perez family?

No! Why?

You can't ask me that, father.

Antonio is a nice boy.

I'm out of here. Where are you going?

Let's see. I need a fix real bad,

and my coke connection

is not gonna be in town for another 2 days.

So you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go and pick up some crack

Niña. On the way to work.

Uh! You know what?

It's tough to make a living by selling my body!

[Speaking spanish]

[Speaking spanish]

"Antonio's a nice boy."

Antonio.

[Violin playing]

[Applause]

[Whistles]

Ok.

Jeez. I'm sorry for all that.

Take care now.

Where are you going?

Excuse me?

Well, how can you just leave

after you spent all night in my bed?

Oh, I was... You didn't want me to leave?

Yes, I do, but not like this.

Like what?

Well, how about leaving me with a sense of closure?

Oh. What's closure?

Well, I don't know anything about you.

Well... What do you want to know?

The basics... Your name

and something unique about you.

My name is Luke, and... I'm sorry.

It was something...

personal.

Once... I, uh...

I got laid on top of a frosty.

Does that count?

What's a frosty?

A refrigerator. Polar pride model.

Discontinued in 1956.

So you had sex on top of a refrigerator?

I fix refrigerators for a living,

and it was one of those

bored housewife/ lonely repairman things.

Hmm.

You want me to go now.

Well, I don't seem to have a refrigerator,

so...

yeah.

Nice glasses.

Woman: ♫ Ain't it tough to find love? ♫

[muttering in spanish]

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, fuck it.

[Muttering]

♫ It might be hiding in the bushes ♫

♫ Or lurking in the night ♫

♫ In a 3-piece suit on a first-class flight ♫

♫ But if it's passion that you feel ♫

♫ Don't put up a fight ♫

♫ You better take your chances ♫

♫ 'Cause it's tough to find love ♫

♫ It's in the palm of your hand ♫

♫ You'd better keep on your toes ♫

[snoring]

[Violin playing]

I swear to god,

this is maestro's swan song.

[Telephone ringing]

Mmm! You know what?

[Crash]

Fuck calling him. Let's go.

What? Hey! Oh, god.

♫ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♫

♫ And the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again ♫

Hey... hey, guys.

This is my room.

Do it again.

♫ The itsy-bitsy spider ♫

♫ Went up the waterspout ♫

♫ Down came the rain and washed the spider out ♫

♫ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♫

♫ And the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again ♫

Man: Do it again.

♫ The itsy-bitsy spider ♫

♫ Went up the waterspout ♫

[violin playing]

Sir...

it's impossible to survive your tunes.

The walls here are paper.

I apologize.

I just really need to get this one passage mastered.

It shouldn't take long.

Who are you young fellows?

Um, we're your neighbors...

room number one. It's right there.

Room one? But of course.

You had a little soiree last night, didn't you?

[Music playing loudly]

Work it. How low can you go?

Yes. Indeed. We had some guests.

I do apologize, gentlemen!

How dare i prevent you from cursing and moaning

and raving and... squealing!

That's correct. You were actually squealing last night!

No. I never squealed.

It's not my kind of thing.

[Music playing loudly]

[Shouting and squealing]

But Alex... maybe.

No. Me. Never squeal.

Pigs.

Look... sir.

Could you just stop practicing now?

We'll come to your concert if...

you! You at my concert?!

What on earth for?

Don't terrorize me, damn it!

Don't terrorize me!

Hi.

There's a mermaid in my room.

Really?

Yeah.

You know, you don't have to do that.

That got people that come and...

actually, Len, I'm kind of glad

you wandered back in here.

It... It's Luke.

Oh. Right.

Luke. Sorry.

It's ok.

I mean, it's good to see you, too... Lillian.

I had this bottle of cheap-ass red wine last night

before I went to bed,

and I had this dream.

What kind of dream?

A provocative kind of dream.

Really? 'Cause, I mean,

I had a couple cocktails myself last night,

and, uh... I dreamed of

the most beautiful woman in the world.

Doing what?

All kinds of things.

Was there a chair in that dream?

Oh, yeah.

Did the chair break?

It did.

That's when she and i got on the floor.

[Singing]

Ah!

Ah!

[Meow]

For god's sake!

You've got to hear what I have to say.

No, I don't.

To make it clear, I repeat...

Antonio Perez is going to be my son-in-law.

Who says so? I say so.

And who are you to say so?

Reynaldo vasquez, your padre.

Why Antonio?

Because i know his father. He's a good man.

What about Michael's father?

I don't care who he is, if he's julio iglesias!

Well, his father is a much more respectable,

educated gentleman than Antonio's.

Oh, money and education ain't enough

to make him any good as a person.

What are you saying?

He ain't no good.

What?

He's rich, but he ain't no good.

I'm not marrying his father.

I'm marrying Michael.

You're not marrying anybody unless he's Antonio!

That's bullshit, papa!

That's all you have to say to your daughter who's in love...

"he ain't no good"?

Hey.

We aren't Neanderthals.

Neander what? Huh?

Why do you say words I don't understand?

To show that your father has no education?

Who pays for your school, huh?

I had no padre like Reynaldo vasquez

to pay for my escuela.

Well, you better go and get some,

so you don't repeat your "ain't no good"

no more!

You are hurting me, Ramona.

Good! Maybe hurting you will help.

Help what?

Help you understand that I'm not only your daughter.

But I am also a woman!

Oh, por favor, niña. And by the way,

you need some salsa with that.

Uh!

Hey, pal, what are you drinking?

Vodka.

You got any more of that?

Be my guest.

Dude... you don't even know...

[Ramona and Reynaldo arguing in spanish]

Ugh! Don't get this pineapple crap again, man.

That shit's nasty.

Pah!

I like the pineapple crap.

Oh, man. You got cat poo on your shoe.

It smells really bad.

You should get that off.

♫ Down came the rain ♫

♫ And washed the spider out ♫

♫ Out came the sun ♫

♫ And dried up all the... ♫

[knocking on door]

Hi, fellas.

Holy shit.

Whoa.

Nothing to worry about.

It's my ukrainian grandma's recipe...

fermented yak bile,

a few strawberries, and the essence of mugwort.

Is there something I can help you with?

No. No.

You got any vodka?

Vodka? A sure way to adrenal insufficiency.

Come in, fellas. I have something much better for you.

Whoa!

[Door closes]

Detoxifies the blood and digestive tract,

flushes the lymphatics...

[blender whirs]

And replenishes the friendly flora.

Beet juice.

I'm Constance.

Pete. Hi.

Alex. Pleasure.

Sit.

Oh...

oh...

[violin playing]

[Singing opera badly]

[Turns down volume]

I love that song.

What substance is it that you're abusing?

Life! I'm high on life!

Some people think I'm manic!

What do they know?

Exactly!

I'm getting a divorce.

We're sorry to hear that.

Never mind. He was a jerk.

3 years ago, he went around the corner to buy some panamanian portobello.

Didn't show up until 3 weeks ago.

Loved him. Taught him all I knew.

I cleansed his intestines. I revived his autolysis.

I strengthened his bladder!

Fool in love that I was, I even introduced him

to the secrets of mango and honey enemas.

And after all that,

what does the ungrateful bastard do?

He runs away with some giant blonde

with clogged pores!

No way.

Drink.

Yeah. Very good.

[Gulp]

So now you fix refrigerators in Tarzana?

It's honest work.

So... who's this guy you're engaged to?

Oh, we're not gonna talk about him.

I guess not. I mean,

it's personal, after all.

He gambles a lot, and he drinks some.

Often.

Do you love him?

Steve is an expert car salesman.

That's a good answer.

You know, sometimes i feel like I'm over the hill.

Over the hill?

How old are you?

21.

What are you talking about "over the hill"?

Who told you that?

It is not over until you're 30.

Yeah, really. Really?

Ok? You can take that from me.

Why? How old are you?

I'm 27.

You are?

Yeah. I've been around the block. I know what it's like.

I don't know. Music, fashion, magazines.

It seems like everything

is just for young people these days.

Tell me about it. I feel like I'm ready for a nursing home.

That's why I'm so desperate to make this engagement work.

I feel like I've reached a milestone...

1/5 of a century.

That's when you stop living

and you start surviving.

That's exactly what I thought 7 years ago,

when the big 2-0 came knocking on my door.

But believe me, you've got

a whole 9 years ahead of you.

30, huh?

Absolutely.

30 is the backbreaker.

That's when you really settle,

become this resigned, health-conscious,

christmas-newsletter-sending,

bulb-planting, MTV-hating,

child-bearing machine.

Yeah. I've noticed I've been switching

to VH1 more and more often.

That's one of the signs.

Ramona: Michael makes me feel good.

He shows me things. I learn from him.

He gives me roses. Look.

He's a white boy.

And?

What do you mean "and"?

So?

I ain't having a yankee as a son-in-law!

I'm on a mission.

At 8:00 tonight, I'm gonna be

at the 14th annual new breed of doctor conference

at the radisson in Reseda...

even though they said hollywood in the brochure...

where I'm destined to meet a clean, stable,

nutritionally balanced raw-foodist,

who will share my vision of a bowel so shiny

you can brush your hair in it.

Really?

Another round of beet juice?

Oh, uh...

Ok. Yeah. All right.

[Ding]

That is him.

Oh. Oh. Oh, god.

Come on, dad.

Don't ruin my life now.

Just tell him dinner's ready

and I'm going to take a shower.

Did you sleep with him?

I can't believe you just asked me that. Can you see I'm sick?

Oh, god. I'm pregnant.

What?

Let's wait. Just open the door.

You give me no choice.

Now I have to kill him. A este lo mato yo.

Michael: Shit!

Ah!

Sorry. Ha ha ha!

Sorry. Hi.

Hi.

[Cracks knuckles]

Well?

Well, thanks for dropping by, fellas.

It was great chatting with you.

Say, Constance... Say, uh...

Do you think you could, like,

lend us maybe 20 bucks

until, say, uh... Tuesday, Wednesday?

I can't. I'd love to.

Compassion is our only passport out of here.

But I only have $45 left

because I'm on a one-way ticket

here from Cincinnati.

Oh, well, it... it...

it was great to meet you.

And good luck with that conference thing tonight.

Thanks. And good luck to you both.

You show great promise.

One more thing.

"Compassion is our only passport out of here."

What the fuck does that mean?

The apocalypse. The year 2000.

[Closes door]

You see, the entertainment industry

has put out an entire network

of subliminal warnings

to prepare us for the end of the millennium.

Can i take a quick piss?

Sure. It's a water world!

Remember the Eurythmics?

♫ Here comes the rain... ♫

Alex: I'm listening.

Well, we are the Beach Boys

who live in a Yellow Submarine... Beatles...

in order to get our air supply

to breathe underwater... mashing Pumpkins.

You get it? Psyche!

Well, we're all gonna go from being prisoners

here of our own device... eagles...

to a permanent vacation... Aerosmith...

because it's our Stairway to Heaven... Led Zeppelin.

And it's our duty to warn our brothers...

Warner Brothers.

It's been my hobby for the past 9 years.

I mean, I can show you all the research.

It's no problem at all.

Oh, no. No. That's Ok.

It won't be necessary.

Ok. Later sometime maybe.

Yeah.

So, it's almost gonna be, like, a bummer for you

if everything doesn't blow in 2000?

No, I'll be thrilled.

I'm just afraid it's preordained.

So why worry about the nutritious bullshit, then?

It's all about clean exits.

Well, speaking of clean exits,

we need to make one.

Thanks again. That was some good juice there.

Thanks.

It's the pulp.

Let me just...

yak bile. What do you think?

Not bad, huh?

[Kiss]

Bye! Ta-ta.

Any time.

What are mango and honey enemas?

Wow. Strange.

And that apocalypse conspiracy theory.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, Pete,

that shit makes me very crazy.

Did you just... You cannot...

you cannot take money from that woman!

Give me the money. Why not?

Fucking queer.

Hi.

Constance: Back for more?

Oh, god! No! Maybe some other time.

Ok, come on. Alex, let's split!

Good night.

Uh, good afternoon to you, too, Mr. Vasquez.

[Crying]

Uh...

how could you sleep with my daughter?

Uh... well... sir...

you know, sir, I wasn't quite aware

that she was your particular daughter.

How could you make my daughter pregnant?

Well, it happened kind of easily.

Easily?

Naturally? I mean naturally.

Look, Mr. Vasquez, your daughter is

a very pretty young lady.

You don't tell me that! I'm her father!

Shit! Right! You're her... and I'm... and you're her father,

and you don't really say such things

to your father, to any father, nor...

What?

Are you drunk?

No, sir. I've just completely sobered up.

I've sobered...

up.

Sir, I don't really think

the sobering-up thing is really working.

Mm-mmm.

Would you like some? It's all I've got left.

Hey, Ramona, Michael is

an inherited alcoholic.

Hereditary.

Thanks. I need a drink.

[Spits]

God! I hate this pineapple shit.

What?

Never mind.

Lillian: The younger generation is going straight to hell.

I mean, take tongue piercing for example.

What the fuck is that? I mean, pierce your navel.

I actually considered it. But your tongue?

You know, how do you eat stuff like peanut butter?

I mean, doesn't that stuff get stuck in there?

And those stupid fucking ski hats.

Good point.

You know what I miss?

Great old bands, like Judas Priest.

Ha.

The pixies.

The replacements.

Love and rockets.

Guns and roses.

Guns and roses.

I heard tattoos are out.

That's good. Thank god.

Well, except for the little ones.

There's nothing sexier than a little one in just the right place.

It's true. You know,

little ones on the ankle...

they still turn me on.

I have a heart and a rocket

on my ankle. You want to see?

Sure.

Ooh. That's a quality piece of work.

All right, that's enough.

Hey, I can control myself.

I'm an older man... Baby.

You want to know what my secret dream is? Tell me.

I want to be an astronaut.

They have this 2-year civilian training program in Houston.

I do cardio. I do pushups.

I know I'll get in.

So you'll go to space before you're 30, huh?

That's my mission.

Yeah? Mine's a little more down to earth.

I don't have much time left.

I just want to keep that freon flowing, but contained.

[Meowing]

Now... this is what we need.

For you.

Tequila.

[Spits and coughs]

Sorry, sir.

If I was you...

I'm glad I'm not you,

but if I was you,

I'd be afraid to come here and meet me.

I'd love... not to be me right now.

Ha ha! You know? But...

let's have another drink.

Ah!

Uh... Mr. Vasquez, please...

would you be my father-in-law?

You are white.

I apologize for that.

You cheat on my daughter after you marry her.

No! I would never cheat on your daughter.

You don't speak spanish.

But I've always aspired to learn this beautiful language.

Hey! Are you... gay?

Uh... no. I'm a bullfighter.

I'm a bullfighter! I'm a... I'm a bull!

You sure you're not one of them...

how you say it? Double-barreled guns?

I'm not, sir. I'm proposing to your daughter.

Well, it looks like you're proposing to me, amigo.

I don't know.

Why do you smell like shit?

I stepped in a...

pile of cat shit in the driveway.

Well, let's have another drink.

Shit.

To...

Salud.

What?

To... Ramona.

Salud.

It's like I'm becoming history

right in front of my own eyes.

What's your favorite star in the Milky Way?

Oh, uh... Just the milky Way?

I'm a total sucker for Europa...

orbital eccentricity .009,

mean orbital velocity 13.74,

mean density, 3.01.

You're kidding me.

No. It's a moon of jupiter

that has, like, a 30-mile-deep ocean inside of it.

They might have to rocket a submarine out there

just to examine it.

Maybe you will get the gig.

Did you really mean it

when you said the girl in your dream

was the most beautiful woman in the world?

Oh, yeah.

How was that guy in yours?

Not too shabby.

You know, uh...

I used to be a drummer in a heavy-metal band.

Really? I used to love slam-dancing.

Have you seen the shit

they call slam-dancing these days?

I know. They have no idea

what decent slam-dancing is.

Exactly. I mean, slam-dancing

used to mean something.

There used to be an art to it,

a craft involved,

not a bunch of people just running into each other.

Jesus.

[Rock music playing]

Whoa, Peaches. I've never done that in a car before.

You are very inventive.

I don't see you hostessing

in that russian roulette club for very long.

You know where I see you? I'm gonna tell you.

On the cover of Vogue,

where you will not be known just as peaches.

You will be known as... are you ready? Siberian Peaches.

Because of your russian heritage.

You know that chick magazine elly?

E-l-l-e. Elly.

Elle?

Ok. The guy who does that,

I detail his car.

You don't.

And listen to this.

You know that guy who prints those magazines

from that big building on Wilshire?

Larry Flynt?

Larry Flynt.

Mmm!

Larry and I are tight.

Mwah.

Baby, I got to go.

Steve, don't leave me.

It's so hot in this lemon.

Baby, the guy who lives here

owes me some serious dough.

I'll literally be gone 2 seconds. I promise.

Your peaches will go bananas.

Give me a little kiss.

A little sugar. Come on.

Come on. Oh... that's it.

In a minute.

Es asi...

tu es americano. Yo soy latino.

Estamos hablando en español.

Yo soy latino.

Estamos hablando en español.

Oh, yeah.

[Both laughing]

Tu es...

Hola.

Hey, Mike.

Hey! Hey.

Hey, hombre.

How's dad treating you?

Like his son.

'Cause you are like my son.

How are you?

Actually, I have news.

What?

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, dios mio.

Oh, my god. Oh! Dios mio. Dame un besito.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, my god! Ramona!

This is so great!

What do you mean "great"?

Well, I mean, uh... aren't we lucky?

Lucky?

Well, it was a little premature

to have a baby, right?

Oh, really?

Well, I must admit, changing diapers wasn't

on my list of things to do before I turn 24.

Well, a shotgun marriage

wasn't on my list either.

No, I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, yes, you did.

No, he didn't.

What? Get out of here!

There is no need to be so harsh. Michael is a decent boy.

He's a future politician.

He has a reputation to worry about.

He got stuck with the baby, and that's why he proposed.

That is not true.

How can you say such things? Have some respect.

You know Michael long enough

to see that he is an honest young man.

I know him for 2 weeks.

How long do you need, a century?

Ramona...

will you marry me?

See? Huh?

I don't believe this now.

This is bullshit!

Why are you hurting me?

Don't you see you're hurting him?

What the hell is going on here?

Don't you curse.

What are you doing defending him? You should be defending me.

He doesn't drink, he's learning spanish, and the kid is going places. What do you want?

Well, as you said, wealth and education

doesn't make him no good as a person.

Well, it's a pretty good start.

The only place he's going is out of here.

Mike, you heard what I said.

Ramona. Ramona.

The baby is not the only reason

I proposed to you.

Mike, what are you going to do

with somebody like me?

I'm only an exotic affair for you.

Ramona, do you love me?

Yes, she loves you, all right. Don't worry.

Please go.

I said go.

Ok.

¿que cosa es esa? ¿ah?

An exotic affair?

Huh?

¿me estas escuchando lo que estoy diciendo o no?

Si. Te estoy escuchando.

¿que me estas, castigando? "Exotic affair"?

[Operatic music playing]

Do it again.

♫ The itsy-bitsy spider... ♫

[door opens]

Hey, baby love.

How's my pumpkin muffin?

Steve, what are you doing here?

I told you i was coming here, babe.

No. Do not touch me.

Why not?

You were supposed to be here yesterday.

Are you on your period?

Yeah. I'm done with you... period.

Now go back to where you came from.

Whoa. Where i came from is a mechanic.

Your piece of shit chevelle broke down.

I need $512.52 to fix it.

You drove it for 2 weeks. Why don't you pay for it?

You know I'm in a transition phase, baby.

How'd you get here?

Is this a freakin' interrogation?

Hey. How's it going?

What's this?

Just my hand.

What's your hand doing in my bride-to-be's room?

Chevy's fine, Lillian. It's just parked behind the building.

Whoever you are...

the missing link must be pretty popular with the ladies,

because he's got another one in the car.

Baby, what is this boy doing in this room?

He's not a boy.

Honey, I've had a very upsetting business meeting.

Can I get at least a vague idea

of what the fuck is going on here?

You blew it, pal.

Honey, for the last time...

who's this fucking guy?

I'm the guy with Lillian.

Aah! Uh!

I guess I'm just gonna have to kill you now, man.

Are you ok?

You should pack your bags.

You know, get the fuck out of here.

I think I will.

Good.

[Sighs]

What about us?

I don't know. I've got to sort some things out now on my own.

All right, look.

I've got a thousand bucks here.

I really want you to have it.

No, seriously. I don't even want...

I don't even need it. Take it.

I can't take it, sweetheart.

Am I ever gonna see you again?

Maybe. You're the real deal, Luke.

[Kiss]

I love you.

[Door closes]

Well, I took care of him.

Now I'm gonna take care of you.

Oh, you are such a hopeless loser, Steve.

I can't believe I ever wore this thing.

Hey, that's a cubic zirconium.

You're history. Keys to my car.

You don't mean our ragtop chevelle ss?

You got a Ferrari, slick?

♫ They said all the right things ♫

♫ You knew it was all lies ♫

♫ But you went under the sheets, and you gave it a try ♫

♫ Then you had a few kids ♫

♫ Settled down to start to die ♫

♫ Well, you think you might be cursed ♫

♫ Ain't it tough to find love? ♫

hey.

Hey. Luke.

Mike.

You ok?

Psycho chick.

Huh.

That term's redundant.

[Chuckles]

Long ago...

in a galaxy not so far away,

she told me she worked in target.

I couldn't find the place.

It turned out it was target.

♫ It's in the palm of your hand ♫

♫ You better keep on your toes ♫

♫ Or what you have you might lose ♫

♫ It's tough to find love ♫

Alex: Is there anything left to eat?

Just the gum.

Give it to me.

[Gulp]

It's chilly in here, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. It's only about 100.

Oh, my god.

I need a drink really bad.

And then she kicks me out,

just like that.

It sounds like love to me, brother.

What do you mean?

You should fight for your chick.

I did.

Right, but you got your ass kicked.

Maybe that's what it takes.

♫ Or what you have you might lose ♫

♫ It's tough to find love ♫

How are you doing on cash?

Oh, I'm loaded.

5 bucks buys a case of old Milwaukee.

All we need to borrow is 5 lousy bucks.

Nobody's giving you shit, pal.

It's a jungle out there,

full of needy and greedy bastards.

I am not drinking soy sauce.

I am gonna...

[gagging]

Gods!

Spirit gods!

Good people!

Citizens and brothers!

Your attention for a moment!

We need your help!

It's a desperate situation! A terrible misfortune!

I am standing here, bare naked before the world,

blindly believing that there is a generous soul out there

willing to help one of their kind!

Now, all I need is a few wretched dollars

for a man's happiness!

What a deal!

Your salvation is not gonna come any cheaper than that!

It is the final clearance sale, right here, now!

Anyone? Oh! Hello! God! I just want a fucking drink!

I... I...

want to stop fucking around?

You're starting to piss me off there, Pete.

Money is a fucked-up thing when you ain't got none.

Well... life is simple.

If you're polite, you get stepped on.

In other words, if you don't fuck, you get fucked.

[Knocking]

Oh, my god! We're fucked!

Shit! We're fucked, man!

[Shouting]

[Knocking]

We're going to jail! We are going to jail!

I knew it!

Up your nose! Up your nose!

Oh, my god! Aah!

Hello?

Hello.

I'm just, uh... excuse me.

Where the... I'm just gonna, uh...

I can...

Hello.

Whoa! Hyah!

I'm just here about the money.

What money?

Just now, from the... that was you, right?

What if it was?

Well, I have some money here.

Perhaps you'd like to give us some.

Officer.

Sorry I bothered you.

No, no! Don't go!

Please! No, don't go.

Yeah, santa. Please.

How about a 20?

Here's a thousand.

You can do whatever you want with it.

Ha ha.

[Door closes]

How much is it? How much is it?

It's at least a grand, man!

A thousand bucks for nothing!

Oh, man!

I don't like this.

That's it! That's it! I'm cleaning up my act.

I'm going cold turkey right now.

We asked for 20.

That mother fucker is up to something.

Ok, would you relax, man? Just...

I guarantee you it's a setup.

Some rich guy just helped us out.

Let's go get some waffles.

You're clueless, aren't you?

You're a paranoid and psychotic human being!

Look at how you're ennobled

by divine intervention.

You are such the sweetie, Pete.

And you're a lousy waiter.

Uh!

Let's see what the pope

of the pink motel is up to, shall we?

If it isn't a prick, what is a prick? Huh?

Huh? Do you think I'm a monkey? Is that it?

Do I look like a monkey to you?

[Imitating monkey]

Am I a moron, hmm? Am I a moron?

Hmm? What is it?

Are those laundered bills?

Are you trying to launder cash through me?

Is that what it is?

Get some help, man.

I think you've lost it.

Yeah?

Mmm... you think?

Wait a minute.

I know! I know!

Me! I know!

I think you're undercover.

I think you're undercover, tough guy.

Are you D.E. A? Are you undercover?

Who do you think you're fucking with? Huh?

Who do you think you're fucking with?

Huh? Hoo! Hoo hoo! Hoo hoo!

Come on.

Are you A.T. F? Are you A.T. F?

Are you F.B. I?

Are you C.I. A?

Are... you... C.I. A?

Are you C.I. A?

Triple-a? I.B. M? I.B. M?

Who sent you?

Who sent you?

Who sent you?! Who sent you?!

Was it that whore?

It was, wasn't it?

Yeah. Was it that whore?

What's her name?

Penelope?

Are you Penelope's pimp? Are you Penelope's pimp?

Cutie.

Little cutie. Hello.

I'm gonna bite your nose unless you start talking.

Yeah. I'm gonna bite your nose until you say ow.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.

[Clashing teeth]

[Barking]

Ow!

Fuck. Oh, my god.

[Barking continues]

Ok.

Luke: I don't understand. What's your problem, man?

So I'll see you at your crib a little later, huh?

I'm gonna make some really nice love with you, baby.

Maybe next lifetime.

Fuck.

Uh, darling, there's somebody in the chevelle

that I want you to meet.

Oh, I'll introduce myself in just a sec, hon.

[Singing in french]

Hi.

So, you're Steve's girl, huh?

Yes. My american name is Peaches.

That's a nice name.

I'm thinking to change it to Tiffany.

So, uh... you know Steve?

Oh, yeah.

Tell me about him.

Well, he's an incredible man...

kind,

sensitive, loyal.

Very few flaws, really.

Very few flaws.

What's a flaw?

Oh, it's nothing.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Anyway, as long as he stays on the penicillin, he's fine.

Penicillin? How do you know about this?

Oh, well, all the girls know...

And some boys.

AC/DC, you know. He swings both ways.

But nobody judges him for that.

And then there's the parole thing,

but he's been good about seeing his parole officer.

Parole?

Oh, he was framed the second time.

I swear.

What the hell is a morals charge, anyway?

Unnatural acts? That's subjective. Give me a break.

Get out of my car, Peaches.

I've got to go.

He's a great guy, really.

You two will make a wonderful couple.

[Engine starts]

Hi, Alex. Where are you going?

[Alex barking]

Come on, Pete.

What's going on?

Ow! God.

Peaches: Hey, you. Pumpkin muffin.

I need to talk to you now.

I need to talk to you, too. There's many things. In a minute.

Now!

Whoo whoo!

There's a boat on the tracks!

Whoo whoo!

Give me the money now.

Give it up.

Whoo! Up, up, and away!

What the hell are you doing?

Get your ass out of my face.

I'm gonna drown you if you don't start talking.

You are Penelope's pimp, aren't you?

Aren't you?

It's pandemonium! They're going crazy!

And who the fuck are you?

I'm Stevie G.

Alex. A pleasure.

And this geek is jocking my bitch.

I heard that. You don't call her a bitch,

you tailpipe-sucking dick weed.

Whip it out! Come on! Whip it out!

You heard what i said! Whip it out! Come on!

I'm right here. I'm not going.

Who will save your soul if you don't save your own? Jewel.

Oh, fuck.

This man has a right to a fair trial,

an uncensored expression of himself.

Set him free. Sting.

Fuck you. Yeah.

Ooh, spank him up, baby. Spank him up.

Ok, I'm her pimp.

[All shouting]

Order in the courtyard!

Will someone please tell me what is going on around here?

Ok, I stuck my head out the door,

and then...

shut the fuck up!

I'm trying to watch some TV here.

If you want to fight, get off my property!

I work too fucking hard to keep this place going!

That guy Mike loves you.

You know mike?

How you doing, bro?

Hey, check it out. Look.

I love this shit.

♫ Do you remember those crazy, crazy nights ♫

♫ When we drank and danced into the... ♫

I'm a coolant engineer.

All right. Let's untie him.

Oh!

Look, look, look.

Hey!

Enough! Enough!

Everybody shut the fuck up and freeze!

Put the motorola down, al!

Tell me the scam with the cash, or I'm frying your ass.

There's...

money, it's a drag. Pink floyd, dark side of the moon.

Album 4, capitol records, originally recorded in 1973.

That's it, fruit pie.

You're going in the fucking pool, too.

Aah! Aah!

[Screaming continues]

Aah! Aah!

[Screaming continues]

♫ Do you remember... ♫

I was on my way to dinner

when I was notified of a disturbance.

Is this what you sick valley fucks do for kicks?

Who's Alex?

There's little Alex.

I want you to meet my representative...

Mr. Tangerine.

Pete: Oh, my god. It's her.

Who's she? Who are you?

My name is Penelope, and this... gentleman here

owes me some money.

How was your day, little Alex?

She's back, and she brought her Mr. Tangerine.

So you lied to me.

You're not Mr. Tangerine.

Does he look like an agent of human resources to you?

No. He's a coolant engineer.

Don't touch me, ok?

Ok. I'm sorry.

Where's our money? Where's our bonus for staying all night?

What bonus? I paid you 10 times more than you're worth.

You know, when you throw a dance,

you've got to pay the band.

I set the price on my merchandise.

Wait a minute. Who are you calling merchandise,

you rat fuck refugee?

That's rat pack, baby.

I ain't giving you nothing because I'm broke.

You're broke? Yeah.

Oh...

how do you feel about giving it up now?

I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to work it off for you, man.

I think you broke my nose.

Let's be sure.

Wait. Hold, hold.

Don't... don't kill the guy.

I'll give you the money.

How flush are you?

A grand. It's in my left pocket.

Get the fuck out of the pool.

I got it.

Well, would you look at that?

Well, I guess our business here is complete.

Well, valley folk, it's been nice hanging with you.

You're a lot of laughs.

Ladies, let's roll.

Easy, easy, easy, penguin.

500 of that cash stays with me.

Who the fuck are you? What does your polyester cock have to do with the 500?

The sea lion over here... my fiancee's boyfriend.

It's family money.

Let me get this straight.

You're representing your own bride?

The skirt left me.

This ain't no dealership, baby.

Don't ever, ever manage your own squeeze.

Let me take care of you.

Thanks.

Here's, uh... an Andrew Jackson.

The rest of the tariff is mine,

for consulting amateurs like you.

You ain't going nowhere, pal.

[Gunshot]

Uh!

♫ So wipe away the tears ♫

♫ Man, we're all still here ♫

I love you.

♫ Those crazy days and nights ♫

♫ Those were the swinging years ♫

♫ Swinging years ♫

♫ Oh, those were the swinging years ♫

see, all my dad ever wanted

was for me to be an actor.

You know, like, ever since i played

a reindeer in kindergarten.

I was a great fucking reindeer,

and I also played this, uh...

the king mouse in the sixth-grade production

of the nutcracker.

And then in high school,

I was the stage manager

in our town,

and I repeated that role in, um...

I'm listening.

In, um... Community College.

And I got, you know, pretty good reviews.

But my dad loved them all,

so much that 5 years ago,

he gives me $10,000...

whoa! That is a lot of money.

To help me start my acting career.

So, you know, I come out to hollywood,

and you know, to pay the rent and stuff like that,

I work as a busboy, delivery boy,

you know, pep boys, piss boy, boy toy.

She was 35, and i was kind of...

ha... right.

Anyway, the 10 grand goes towards

acting classes, voice lessons, yoga,

haircuts, and, you know, teeth.

They got to be ding, you know.

And don't get me wrong.

I mean, I love my dad and everything.

Um... It's just...

I fucking hate acting.

The whole business of pretending to be somebody else...

going to these auditions

with your little head shot and fake resume

for some casting director,

and hopefully a producer, an agent.

So anyway, one year ago,

I started my own little refrigerator repair business.

Oh.

And I've been so happy.

Everything's just good, you know.

But I've still got this thousand dollars left

of this 10 grand. See?

And, I mean, I don't need it.

It was just money for something

I never really wanted.

So, you know... Give it away.

Hmm.

That's a good story.

That's kind of it.

♫ So be careful who you're with ♫

♫ Or you might spend your whole life ♫

♫ Just a-going round in circles as somebody's wife ♫

♫ You ignored all his faults ♫

♫ Knew something wasn't right ♫

♫ Well, it just gets worse ♫

♫ It's tough to find love ♫

Steve: Peaches!

Peaches!

What are you doing?

I'm looking for Mr. Larry Flynt on my own.

Peaches, come on. I gave you a ring.

You know I love you, baby.

Oh. Wilshire Boulevard.

And no more blow-jobbing for you, comrade.

[Kiss]

Let's go.

♫ It's tough to find love ♫

[violin playing]

Oh...

[singing opera]

I saw you dealing with the rabble in the courtyard.

The riffraff is taking over the planet.

Well, it's the end of the world

as we know it, and I feel fine.

Yet in these thoughts, myself almost despising,

happy I think on thee,

and then my state, like to the lark

at the break of day arising from sullen Earth,

sings hymns at heaven's gate.

William Shakespeare,

sonnet number 29, abbreviated.

Your skin is so beautiful.

It's been fully exfoliated.

Oh! I have to go.

I... I'm... I'm going to a doctors conference

where I'm going to meet my perfect man.

Would you like to come to my room for a drink?

Do you like beet juice?

I love beet juice.

Come on. Let me see you walk.

Come on. Come on.

You know what your problem is, son?

You've got to stop walking

like a depressed maricon, you know.

Don't look at the floor.

There is nothing down there.

You've got to, you know,

walk with your head straight up,

like you own the world,

like that guy... What's his name?

Napoleon. Napoleon. Huh? Come on, try.

Hey. Head up. Come on.

See? Not bad.

Hey, lose the hand. Lose the hand.

Good. Good.

It's show time.

Break a foot, cowboy.

Straighten up.

Um... Ramona...

I... I'm sorry.

I screwed up.

I didn't express myself very well.

I love you. Not bad.

Why is it that you love me, Mike?

I love you because I can't live without you.

Muy bien.

He has to do better than that.

I love you because...

your eyes are like cosmic guide lights,

because your lips are the softest of velvet,

because your smile is the wellspring of life.

Fantastico.

Because your heartbeat is the pulse of the universe,

and because you are the most tender petal

on the flower of life that could inspire

the gardener in a guy like me.

Hombre. The man is a genius.

I'll marry him myself. Mwah!

[Laughing]

Go ahead, boy.

Bueno.

Hey, you.

Hi.

♫ Hey, hey, what's up with overkill? ♫

♫ Take these, we don't get a bad pill ♫

♫ Follow me up until the night they find me dead ♫

♫ Now, make me give back what you gave to me... ♫

I'll tell you, buddy.

I can't find anything wrong with this unit.

What the fuck do I know?

When you finish up, leave the bill in the office.

[Singing]

Hello, Mr. Repairman.

Being a housewife is so boring.

I can, uh...

adjust that for you, ma'am.

So, how do we get on top of this mother fucker?

These, um...

kelvinators are tricky.

Show me.

Yes, ma'am.

[Tools rattling]

[Moaning]

[Meow]

[Woman singing in french]

[Electrical crackling]

[Cat screeches]

[Thump]

♫ No vacancy, no vacancy ♫

♫ You can't get no job ♫

♫ No vacancy ♫

♫ I wake up in the morning ♫

♫ I'm making early tracks and ♫

♫ A job me goin' seeking ♫

♫ People need feeding ♫

♫ Everywhere you go, it's no vacancy ♫

♫ They must want me commit robbery ♫

♫ Everywhere you go, it's no vacancy ♫

♫ Tell me, are we ever politically free? ♫

♫ Oh, yoy, oh, yoy ♫

♫ No vacancy ♫

♫ No vacancy ♫

♫ Especially ♫

♫ If you are naughty ♫

♫ Oh, yoy, oh, yoy ♫

[new song begins]

♫ Good-bye, joe, you've got to go ♫

♫ 'Cause i know where you've been ♫

♫ Sign of the times, ain't it a crime? ♫

♫ And you know that it's true ♫

♫ I'm still in love with you ♫

♫ I'm still in love with you ♫

♫ Sign of the times, ain't it a crime? ♫

♫ Love kills you for free ♫

♫ When you got time, drop me a line ♫

♫ It's all plain to see ♫

♫ You're still in love with me ♫

♫ You're still in love with me ♫

♫ It hurts to be going ♫

♫ It hurts to be there ♫

♫ It hurts to be going home ♫

♫ She just doesn't care ♫

♫ She just doesn't care ♫

♫ Goodbye joe, you've got to go ♫

♫ And you know where I've been ♫

♫ Sign of the times, ain't it a crime? ♫

♫ I know that it's true ♫

♫ I'm still in love with you ♫

♫ I'm still in love with you ♫

♫ It hurts to be going ♫

♫ It hurts to be going home alone ♫

♫ It hurts to be going home ♫

Recovered by (c) dCd / March 2018