Original subtitles

♪ Go, Ninja! ♪

(Randy) I was chosen to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the Ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

♪ Smoke bomb! ♪

Hmm?

(gasps)

All I'm saying is

a ninja sword cannot cut through a bulldozer.

Come on! It slices through Robo-Apes, Robo-Lizards,

-Robo-Donkeys Robo-Birds... -That's great!

Can it slice through a bulldozer? I didn't hear you say "bulldozer."

Not falling for it.

I don't care how hard you try, there is no way...

How do you like your 'dozer?

Sliced, diced. Shoe string, waffle cut?

-O'Brien? -Ninja's choice.

Yah! (gasps) Oh, no.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

I did tell you it wouldn't cut through a bulldozer.

I can fix this. Just find a bag and start scooping.

And, there.

You know, this actually looked worse than it was.

-(sneezes) -(gasps) I am so busted.

-(groans) -Say it was like that when you found it.

(laughing)

You don't even have to say anything.

I broke my sword and I am really, really sorry.

(beeping)

(Randy) "In the realm of the ninja,

a swordsmith crafts blades in a cauldron of fire."

Cracked blade, cauldron of fire, love it.

-(grunts) -And I promise I will not break this one!

Ooh! Oh, man. This time I know I did it!

Come on, give them here.

-Ow! -(grunts)

-Try again, Brent. -Ooh.

How am I supposed to master the ancient art of metalwork,

if all I'm making is corn holders?

Boy, you ain't making no corn holders, you making corn droppers.

Why you fussing with corn, anyways?

This ain't no dang old Home Ec.

-Brent, do it again. -Oh, no. I am done!

I am out of here!

Mmm-mm-mmm. I'm getting too old for this shop.

(grumbling) Ding-dang corncob.

-Ah! -Watch it, Weinerman!

Okay, the realm of the ninja has to be the school,

but where is there a cauldron of fire?

This chili's a cauldron of fire going in and coming out.

-(belching) -Aah!

"S. Ward Smith"?

Sword... Smith. Swordsmith!

Oh-uh! Boom!

-Cracked it! -(burps)

Um, Mr. Smith? Mr. S. Ward Smith?

I'm looking for a swordsmith.

Why you smithing around my metal shop?

(clears throat) Greetings, swordsmith of Norrisville, 'tis I...

I know you the Ninja. Caught a whiff of you the second you walked in.

-Ow! -You reek of smoke bombs.

Those things smell like farts.

(grunting) Check it out!

-I made dents. -Mmm, let me get a feel on those.

Mr. Smith wouldn't have made you his protoge

if he didn't see something in you.

Just apologize for using your mad words,

and make the best dang cob holders ever!

Mmm-hmm. This is some quality work, son.

He replaced me with... Weinerman!

Quality work? Really?

No, they're dents! A donkey can do that.

Donkey's can't hold hammers.

And back to the reason I'm here.

So I kinda, sort of, might have, in a way,

in a sense, might have, could have...

You broke your sword, didn't you?

Wait a sec, how did you...?

Ninja swords can cut through anything, except stupid.

Cut stupid? No, no, no, no. I wasn't cutting stupid, friend.

I was cutting a bulldozer.

Okay... I see what you're saying.

Bulldozer? No wonder your sword broke.

Ninja weapons are for ninja business.

-(gasps) -Learn how to honor your tools.

So Bruce! Whoa.

Stupid Weinerman. (crying)

-Listen to that. -(squeaking)

The muted thud of rejection.

The angry clank of failure.

All coming together in a glorious symphony of shame.

-(clanging continues) -Hang on. Here comes my favorite part.

-(loud clang) -Exquisite.

Mmm? (shouting)

(roars)

I've been crafting swords for the ninja my whole life.

When used properly,

a swordsmith signature sword is the most

powerful weapon in the ninja's arsenal.

Totally. I was thinking my new sword

should have two blades, a touch screen and Wi-Fi.

-Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi. (grumbles) -(laughing)

Um, that's a clown balloon.

-That better? -No!

That's not better, that's worse! I'm a ninja. I need a real sword.

Ninjas get swords, clowns get balloons.

Until you prove to me you can be responsible for your weapons,

-this is your sword. -No problem.

I can be responsible for a balloon, that's baby stuff.

So... I'm gonna need another sword, please.

Cunningham, you're my best friend,

but no way can you handle an assignment this heavy.

Please, I'm a ninja.

I can keep a balloon from popping.

-Seriously? -(groans)

New rule: Don't get the sword near anything that'll pop it.

Okay, class. Who's ready...

...for blindfolded archery?

(both) Hmm?

See, Howard? Responsible. Me.

Hey, a balloon! I'm gonna pop it!

-No! -(balloon pops)

I'm starting to think you don't even want a sword.

(groans)

(growling)

Yeah. (cackling)

New, new rule: I'm not letting go of this balloon.

No matter what.

As a special treat, we're going to spend

a fascinating 45 minutes

walking through the poorly lit and completely unmarked

Norrisville High cactus maze.

It's a-maz-ingly educational.

Hmm?

(Randy) This isn't that bad. I was wrong! There's so many...

So many pointy things! All of them hurt all over my body!

Aah, my balloon! My balloon is all I care about!

Howard, do not push me. Howard! Ooh!

Now I'm gonna push you... I missed! I missed and my face is touching it.

Mmm-mm-mm.

I'm gonna do it. Ow. I'm gonna show Ward Smith

that I'm not an irresponsible shoob. Ow.

And I'm gonna get that new sword. (groans)

Which is why I promise nothing will happen to you.

This is painful.

You know you're talking to a balloon, right?

It's not a balloon, Howard. It is my sword,

and it is my responsibility.

Could you do that at another table,

'cause you're kind of weirding me out. (yelling)

(growling) Weinerman!

-(shouting) -(panting, gasps)

Don't worry. I'm coming for you, buddy.

-(growling) -(screams)

You have no skill.

I don't know what you're talking about, but it's probably true.

-(grunting) -(Howard screaming)

(rumbling)

-(growling) -(shuddering)

-(yelling) -Me apprentice!

Him not apprentice.

How come you have such trouble with grammar,

-but you can say "apprentice." -Ninja leap!

Tell me you're not going to fight with a balloon!

Howard, I'm not going to fight this guy with a balloon.

What are you going to fight him with?

The heart and soul of a responsible ninja.

Oh, great, I'm dead. I'm dead.

Ninja flash!

-Ninja-size.! -(growling)

Yah! Hi-yah!

-(growling) -(grunts) Ah...

Ninja comet. Ninja chain-sicle.

-(growls) -Uh... Ninja rings?

What the juice? Nothing's working.

I could really use a sword right now.

(ward) Until you prove to me you can be responsible

- for your weapons... -This is my sword.

-Ninja... -Uh...

(growling)

Yah! Ninja bat!

Feel the inflated wrath of my ninja sword.

Ninja, what do you think you're doing?

I know what you were telling me.

This is my sword, and I'm gonna ninja with it.

What? That's not a sword, it's a metaphor.

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

Oh, no. I wasn't behaving like a clown,

I was behaving like a ninja, and you all saw it.

-All you guys saw it. -No duh.

Why do you think I made you this?

Yeah!

Ah, yes! So Bruce!

Now that sword would cut through a bulldozer.

Yeah, it would.

Don't even think about it! Now get in there

-and poke that monster! -(growling)

Let's do this. Yah!

(shouting)

(yells)

I'll be slicing that.

-Yah. Yah! -(grunting)

Ho-ho-ho!

(moaning) Hey. Hello?

No, no, no. No, no.

-No. No! -(squeaking)

Howard, I'm never abusing my sword again.

From now on, the ninja sword is for ninja business.

Yeah... Besides, these are way better.

Hmm?

You better not be toasting marshmallows

-over my sacred fire pit. -(both) Run!

This is big, Cunningham. first day of Home Ec.

We're already partners in Science, Gym, Spanish and lunch.

When we're officially logged as baking buddies,

we'll be partners in every class!

We will have achieved the freshman class-fecta.

You guys are idiots.

(speaking gibberish)

I took the liberty, hope you don't mind.

Those are ridiculously awesome!

After you, Chef Cunningham.

Oh, no, no, no. Chef Weinerman, I insist.

(both grunting)

Greetings, fellow foodies.

Mr. D's teaching a few classes,

so he can take me on a tan line optional cruise.

Don't tell him I know, it's supposed to be a surprise.

That skeleton's gonna teach us how to cook?

Well, she sure isn't. Look at me, I'm all bones!

(chuckling) Delicious zing, Mr. D.

Before you pick your baking buddies,

I'd like to introduce our foreign exchange student.

Put your oven mitts together for the new kid, Franz Nukid.

I am Franz. I was just enrolled in your education factory.

-Hallo. -(crickets chirping)

Now you say "hallo."

-Um... -Hello.

-Hi. -Or something.

That was excellent "hallo."

That guy is so weird.

What is up with that shoobtastic hat?

Howard, he's new. Give him a chance.

Not everybody has it as locked down as we do.

Let's get rolling. Time to pick your baking buddies.

-What are you doing? -NinjaNomicon. It could be important.

Nothing is more important than the class-fecta.

Tell Mr. D we're partners. I don't have to be there for that.

Just wait two seconds,

buddy up with me, then go into the book.

-Give me the Nomicon. -No.

-Give me the Nomicon. -(grunting)

-Class-fecta. -Class-fecta isn't a real thing.

(gasps)

I'm the Ninja. I like being the Ninja.

It's my duty, but I wouldn't expect

you to understand what it means to have a duty.

One, (laughs), duty.

-And, two... How dare you? -Whatever.

(grunts)

What the juice, Nomicon?

Howard is so wrong on this one. Right?

"The most dangerous enemy often wears the mask of an ally."

Ha!

Thank you. Howard is totally being a huge enemy right now.

The second I (gust) out of here, I'm gonna tell that guy what's up.

-(chuckling) -Ah, what's up?

(screams, grunts)

(Franz) I will just look in this cabinet for the dill weed.

Hey, you found the dill weed.

Hallo!

Howard, why is Nukid, the new kid, wearing my hat?

What new kid? Oh, you mean my baking buddy, Franz!

Hallo! Now you say, "Hallo."

You just blew the class-fecta on that guy?

Ho-ho! Look who suddenly gives a squirt

-about the class-fecta. -(bell rings)

Howard, the buns are ready, yah?

-(moans) -Excuse me. I have buns to butter.

-(grumbling) -(squeaking)

(humming)

What's with all the fuzz, Viceroy?

Mother told me these shorts were too short.

-I should've listened. -Ew!

And I was talking about them!

Oh, that. That's my latest plan to take down the ninja.

It doesn't seem very deadly.

It's the exact opposite of deadly.

Through genetic engineering, I extracted the adorability

of a bunny, the naiveté of a koala, and the weaselyness of a weasel.

Then I encoded it into a robotic exchange student!

(yawning) I'm sorry.

I must've checked out during the part where

you talked about destroying the ninja!

He's not a destroy-bot, he's a befriend-bot.

Hallo!

Thanks to his extremely high LQ, or lovability quotient,

my robot will have no trouble collecting

voice samples from every student at Norrisville.

Then, we compare the voices

to the sample we have on file for the ninja.

Say hello to my ninja eye poke! Say hello to my ninja eye poke!

Once we find a match, we'll know who the ninja is.

-And then we'll destroy him? -And then we destroy him.

Ooh! This is my best plan yet!

Please, sir. You're scaring the koala.

-(laughing) -Makes me think that some people can't...

...the way that they say they can.

I'm Franz Nukid. Hallo.

-Now you say "hallo." -Uh! Oh, me? Hello.

Hello.

(Randy) Say hello to my ninja eye poke!

(man) Voice match negative. Not the ninja.

-Excellent "hallo." You win! -I do? Hooray!

I can't help but love this guy.

(all laugh)

Howard, I'm willing to forgive you... Franz!

Why is Nukid sitting in my seat?

Oh, this is awkward.

My ex-lunch partner just caught me with my new lunch partner.

Franz is teaching us a fascinating game from his homeland.

-So Bruce! -Now you say "hallo."

-Hallo. Was that okay? -Okay? It was excellent "hallo."

-You win! -(laughter)

(grumbles) How could you replace me with that guy?

Hey! You were busy with your big, fat, hairy duty.

But me not understand duty, me stupid.

Me just want friend to eat with.

I am not the one acting like an enemy here.

You are. The Nomicon even said so.

Well, maybe you should have lunch with the Nomicon.

I'm gonna go abuse my friend Franz's

exchange student discount at the snack cart.

(yodeling)

Hey! What are you supposed to be, huh?

-Tell me! -(gasps)

I am Franz Nukid. Hallo.

Now you say "hallo."

-Ha-llo? -That was excellent "hallo."

-You win! -Yeah! I win.

Ha! I love this guy.

I don't know why, but I love him! Come here you little munchkin!

(cheering)

-Hallo. -Hallo.

-Hallo. -Hallo.

-Hallo. -Excellent "hallo."

-(laughter) -Who cares... saying "hallo."

Check, one, two. Two. Check, check.

Oh, hallo! Now you say "hallo."

Franz, I know you think Howard's your new best friend

and all, but actually he's my best friend.

We're kind of having a thing right now, and you got caught up in the middle of it.

So, it'd be the cheese if you could find someone else to "hallo" with.

(Randy) Say hello to my ninja eye poke!

(man) Ninja identified.

Hallo, ninja.

-What did you just say? -I said, hello, ninja.

(gasps)

(man) Ninja identified.

- Who is it? - (man) Ninja identified.

I heard you the first time, who is it?

-(man) Ninja identified. -Who is the ninja?

(man) Ninja identi... fied.

I just got an alert! The ninja's been...

-Oh, Hannibal, you didn't. -It was like this when I found it.

Ah! Send the chainsaw werewolves to retrieve Franz.

I can rebuild the Franz later...

Send in the chainsaw werewolves!

But I'm not the ninja.

But you are the ninja, I know this.

You told Franz? I can't believe you're trying to jack my BFF.

No, Howard, he just figured it out.

Franz, okay? You can't tell anybody.

But I must, it is my duty.

(chuckles) Ah, duty.

(gasps)

(all screaming)

-Oh, hallo. -Take him to McFist.

They're Franz-napping him!

McFist can force him to give up my true identity.

This kid doesn't know how much trouble he's in.

-(grunts) -(girls scream)

Sorry!

Ninja rings!

(all growling)

(screams)

(yells) Ofta.

See, Franz. This is why you shouldn't know my secret.

It puts you in danger.

No, ninja. It's you who is in danger.

(both) You're a robot?

"The most dangerous enemy often wears the mask of an ally."

Oh! You're the enemy the Nomicon was warning me about.

(clears throat) Anything you'd like to say to me?

(grunts, yelps)

There. Fixed it.

We can still download the ninja's true identity.

Well, push it!

Hiyah! (grunts)

McFist is uploading my data. I win!

-(groans) -(bubbling)

(Howard screams)

-Goodbye, ninja. -(gasping)

Now you say goodbye.

Hey, Nukid.

Hello, Howard. What are you doing?

I wouldn't expect you to understand this,

'cause you're a robot, but I also have a duty as a friend.

Also (laughs) duty.

Yah!

(screaming)

Hallo... Hallo...

(slow-motion) Hallo...

Well, I guess you have to know the difference

between your Franz and your enemies.

Ugh, too soon, Ninja, too soon.

(grumbling)

The ninja's identity is...

(man) Transmission terminated.

-(grunting) -(chittering)

Sir, please release the weasel.

(continues grumbling)

Howard, I acted like a total shoob.

I thought my only duty was being the ninja, but I was wrong.

I have two duties. A ninja duty, and a best friend duty.

-(chuckling) -No, you can laugh.

I said "duty" a lot of times.

You did! You said it like 100 times!

It was awesome!

Hey, so what do you say? Baking buddies?

-(both) Class-fecta! -(ringing)

(scoffs) You guys are idiots.

(theme music playing)