Original subtitles

[theme song playing]

[Jeremy] It turns out there's a good reason

why farmers always moan about the weather.

Because it never does what they want it to do.

Back in the autumn when I needed a dry spell to plant my crops,

I got this.

[thunder rumbling]

It rained non-stop for eight weeks.

And then in May when I needed rain

to keep those crops alive...

I got this.

The driest spring ever recorded.

The drought was certainly not helping in this field.

The previous year I'd planted it with rape seed...

but that had all been eaten by beetles.

-Where's the rape gone? -The flea beetle got it.

-[Jeremy] The whole bloody lot? -[Charlie] Yeah.

There's no... There's... I just...

[Jeremy] So rather than let the field sit there doing nothing,

I'd come up with one of my

brilliant lockdown brainwaves.

I've planted it with pumpkins for Halloween,

-sweetcorn 'cause I like it. -Yeah.

And sunflowers 'cause socialists

like to eat their seeds apparently.

-Brilliant. -So can you see them?

-No. -Come on, don't be so negative.

No, there's pumpkins in there.

Oh, he's just pretending he

can't see them to humiliate me.

[Charlie] I got one. There's another one

and another one there.

I know, they're everywhere, there's thousands.

Stop going, "Oh, I've found one."

Look that's good, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there look, pumpkins, Halloween in the farm shop.

-The problem is, Jeremy... -Yes?

We need to try and get some water on them.

How are we going to water it?

Well, now you see, I'm way ahead of you again.

I have bought a vacuum slurry tanker.

-So you're gonna spray it on? -Yeah.

[Jeremy] To me, the job was simple.

Hitch the tanker to my tractor

and fill it up from my big stream.

I love being in my Lambo.

It's like a hay fever capsule, no pollen allowed.

Kaleb, however,

said the job would in fact be difficult

as my tractor wouldn't be able to reach the big stream.

Yes. Look at this.

Jeremy, whoa, whoa!

[wood crackles]

[Jeremy] Oh, well, I think I've done it

rather brilliantly.

[Kaleb] Oh, Jesus!

-[Jeremy] Oh, yes! -[Kaleb] Whoa, Jeremy!

If he says my tractor is too big, I'm going to kill him.

Tractor's too bloody big!

Look at it, you're catching on the tree.

It's gonna take the beacon off.

Your ideas!

[Jeremy] Right, no beacon.

Oh, this is tight down here.

But, you know, you can't be a pumpkin farmer

without breaking a few branches.

Eventually after a half mile drive

that took just one hour...

-[Kaleb] Keep going straight. -[Jeremy] What the hell?

...I arrived at the stream.

Oh, ho, ho!

The mighty Lamborghini is in place.

Was that skillful driving or just plain luck?

The whole driving of that was just ruthless.

You snapped the gate post.

-Have I broken a gate post?

-Yes! Snapped it clean off, drove over it.

-Do come through.

-You're gonna upset these people now.

It's a faux pas.

I bet you any money they want pumpkins at Halloween.

Excuse me, do you do Halloween?

Yeah, I did this year. How come?

Well 'cause I'm growing pumpkins

and I'm just getting water for them

and he's saying I'm being an idiot

for growing pumpkins, but I'm not.

He's blocking the footpath for you, isn't he?

It's not a problem at all.

[Jeremy] Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.

That's exact... See. Have you undone this?

Yeah, it's undone.

God! The things we'll do for fucking pumpkins!

Getting in was one thing.

If you're gonna say getting out again,

it's just turn it round, go back out.

Turn it round where?

Ah, we perhaps should've reversed in, shouldn't we?

-That would have been...

-[Kaleb] Yeah, I did try and like...

-You wasn't really listening to me.

-But your hand signals, you just do this.

I was like this. What's that mean? Oh, turn around.

It could mean caterpillar, it could mean snake.

I had no idea what you were on about.

-[Kaleb] Right. -That's in the stream.

Right, let's see if we can get some water.

All I've got to do is do that. Open that valve!

[pumping]

[Jeremy] Yes, I can hear it!

It's alive!

Any minute now we're gonna have Tower Bridge,

we'll be sucked up this stream.

[Kaleb] There you are, look, look, look.

-Oh, yes! -Water for your pumpkins.

[Jeremy] With the vacuum tanker full,

it was time to switch off and disengage.

[thuds]

You fucking... You rural half-wit!

[laughs] I pressed the wrong button!

[Jeremy] There was then the simple task

of reversing back the way we'd come.

Which way do I turn the steering wheel?

Yeah, I can't tell you how to do it. You just have to know.

Yeah, but unfortunately I don't know.

[Jeremy] Nevertheless, as we'd been

working together for nine months,

we figured that with a bit of teamwork we'd solve the problem.

-Right hand down a long way. -Yeah, but I can't see it!

[Kaleb] Look behind you then. Now forward.

Whoa, whoa! Now come back. Other way.

-Other way?

-You're gonna take the fence out.

-Well, what do I do now? -Forwards.

-Again?

-No, you got to get over that way.

-[Kaleb] Wait! -[Jeremy] What?

-You gotta get the whole... -I can't see you!

You've got to tell me right or left hand down!

I'm getting confused.

Oh, that's all we now need to discover,

he does not know his right from his left.

We're gonna be here a while.

-[Kaleb] Go forward more! -[Jeremy] What?

-No, you got to get over that way.

-What? Hang on.

-Come back. -Other way?

No.

[Jeremy] Eventually Kaleb came up with a suggestion

that was, in fairness, long overdue.

-[Kaleb] Are you gonna let me do it?

-[Jeremy] Yes.

If at first you don't succeed, sod it, give it to a teenager.

Yeah, keep coming straight back. It works, I knew it would.

Yeah, this is exactly what I was gonna do

on my next run, so well done.

-[Kaleb] Come on you piece of shit!

-[Jeremy] It's not a piece of shit!

-Well, well, well... -Well done, Kaleb.

-Thank you very much. -That's very good.

You're very welcome.

[Jeremy] The trip to and from the stream had taken five hours,

but now with 1,000 gallons of water on board,

I was back at the field...

and ready to give the whole thing a damn good soaking.

-[Jeremy] Yes! -Drive! Go!

I'm going. I'm going.

Look at it. Look at me.

I'm bringing life and nutrition to my otherwise dead field.

And then I swing it round at the bottom end.

[Jeremy] That's fantastic, look at that.

Soon there will be pumpkins

growing in my wake and sweetcorn.

[Charlie] He's run out. He's run out of water.

Oh, hang on, where's the water gone?

Look how you've run out of water!

Are you seriously saying that was all we got?

[Charlie and Kaleb] Yes.

-That's 1,000 gallons. -[Kaleb] 1,000 gallons.

-[Jeremy] Four and a half thousand liters.

-Four and a half thousand liters.

And we did one and a quarter runs.

Yeah. You've just put a millimeter of rain.

[Jeremy] I've not put a millimeter on!

That's effectively what that is.

You know, I mean it's evaporated already

and blown away.

So, you know, effectively, well, it hasn't been effective at all.

-He's so miserable.

-He is, but I'm with him on this.

If we want pumpkins for Halloween.

Well, that's answered the question,

we don't really want pumpkins do we?

Yes, yes. No because we paid for the pumpkin seeds,

I've paid for the water bowser thing.

But how do I make them live?

-You know, until we get a meaningful rain.

-Yeah, yeah. When's the next rain?

Well there's nothing in the forecast

for another fortnight.

Fucking hell.

[Jeremy] That meant there was only one thing I could do...

-Give Kaleb a hosepipe...

-[Kaleb] It's stupid ideas all the time!

[Jeremy] ...and get an early night.

The next day was important,

because soon everything in this field

would be sold to make bread.

And everything in this field

would be sold to make Sunday lunch.

And to make sure I got the best possible prices,

cheerful Charlie said I had to sit an exam.

-[Jeremy] Charlie, how are you?

-[Charlie] I'm very well. How are you?

Good. This red tractor business?

Yeah, so you've got your inspection this morning.

But then I've got to do it on the phone?

Yeah, that's the Covid rules.

And the background is this is the difference

between being able to sell your produce at full market rate

or not having a discount.

So when a customer goes out and buys something,

if it's got a little red tractor on the package...

-Exactly.

-...that means that somebody's checked

to make sure my farm hasn't got feces all over it.

Correct, yeah. It's a serious accreditation scheme.

And if I'm not all right,

then I can't sell all my stuff at full price.

Yes, which will have an even

bigger effect on your profit for the year.

[Jeremy] Soon, the Red Tractor examiner called

and I began my first ever face-Zoom-time meeting.

[Dave] Jeremy, how are you?

I'm very well thank you. How are you?

And how do I get to see you? Or do I not?

Um, I should be on your screen somewhere in a little corner?

No. there's nothing. You're on, video on, microphone on.

All apps don't work and now the screen's dead.

[Jeremy] When we finally reconnected...

Greetings, we're finally there.

...Dave, the inspector,

asked for a tour of the farm buildings.

[Dave] Right, Jeremy, what's to the right

of the hay and the straw there?

That is a massive scissor jack

that I used in Colombia to spot condors.

And then there's some doors over there

from a house that my colleagues blew up.

[Jeremy] Dave politely pointed out

that he wanted to see farm equipment,

not old Grand Tour props.

[Dave] Where abouts is your chemical store?

And where are the chemicals currently?

Oh, they're over here in a shipping container.

We thought shipping containers are watertight and secure.

-Ready? -Yeah.

Ta-da!

Oh! Oh sorry that might be an Alfa Romeo.

-Yeah. -Hang on.

It's...

[Jeremy] After this shaky start...

Dave made me jump through hoops for the rest of the morning.

[Dave] There's the can of petrol on

the floor there Jeremy, what's that for?

What's in the bags that are there in front of you?

Any medicines that you use for the sheep,

where are they stored?

What's the black bag we just walked past?

Is there a red picket anywhere?

Are you gonna be using that shed to store grain at harvest?

What make is that? What does it say on that?

What do you do for vermin control here, Jeremy?

Nick, the mouse murderer comes. That's not his real name.

What's the batch number, please Jeremy?

17318.

What's the math number on that one, Jeremy?

19/2H.

76325.

/1549.

Zero zero zero zero zero B.

[Dave] Where abouts are the sheep then, Jeremy?

-See my tractor? -Yeah, very nice.

Ah-ha, chemical store.

Is there anything in there, should any liquid get spilt,

is there anything in there that can mop it up?

We've got a Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence movie.

Is that something you'd be interested in?

That won't do.

Yeah, so you need emergency facilities,

which include sand, absorbent granules,

a sump, an ability to retain a spillage.

Who does the transportation of the livestock?

Sometimes it's me.

[Dave] There's still sort of animal muck in there.

No, that's just soil. There's no animal muck.

Would you pick a handful of it up and show me closer?

I can. Hang on. There you go.

The standard talks about trailers being clean,

the trailer isn't clean.

[Jeremy] After a ticking off

about the chemical store and the trailer,

which had a bit of mud that wasn't feces in it,

Dave asked to see my filing system.

[Dave] Do you have a soil management plan

to hand there, Jeremy, at all?

Oh, no that's MMP no.

What was the question? I've forgotten.

Is this the first audit

you've been involved with, Jeremy?

[Jeremy] Eventually with my phone battery on 2%,

I had to cut to the chase.

[Jeremy] David, what I really wanna know,

I appreciate there are two things that we've got wrong,

the sand pit and the muddy trailer,

but are we gonna be okay?

Yes.

[Jeremy] This made me very proud.

I've done a thing!

Sadly though, there was no time to celebrate

because the next emergency beckoned.

Putting some wet into my wetlands.

[Jeremy] I mean look at the cracks.

-[Kaleb] Yeah. On the plus side, though.

-What?

Grass is worth a lot of money at the minute.

-Is it? -Mmm, hay.

-Hay. -Is it?

Cut some hay, bale it, put it in the shed.

Guarantee, 'cause no one's had a very good cut.

Well the sheep's had most of the hay away.

-Yeah. -Which you don't like again.

No, I mean, if you'd have not had the sheep, cut that for hay,

you'd have made more money on the hay

than you would have the sheep.

-I haven't made any money on the sheep.

-Exactly, you've lost loads.

But what would you have lost if you'd cut it for hay?

-Nothing. -Exactly.

And there's my point again. Fuck the sheep.

[Jeremy] Kaleb Attenborough and I then turned our attention

to the watering solution system I'd bought.

Solar powered water pump.

That's not gonna work, is it. Be realistic.

I don't think it is either,

but I'm going to give nature a chance.

God has provided us with this power station in the sky

and we're going to try and use it.

Let's just lie them down for now, that's a good idea.

This should fire up the pump.

I'm about to lower an

electrically powered object into a pond.

-Ready? -[Kaleb] Go for it.

-You could piss faster than that.

-That is just lamentable.

-You know what the solution is, mate?

-What's that?

Internal combustion.

It's the solution to everything. Speed and power.

[Jeremy] I therefore went shopping

and soon we had some meaty hoses.

And a generator that ran

on the amber nectar that is petrol.

[Jeremy] Solar power, my arse.

-[Kaleb] Um, problem. -[Jeremy] Oh!

[Jeremy laughs]

-Can you go and get it for me? -Yeah, of course.

No, that's stuck fast, mate, sorry,

nothing I can do about that.

Oh, you bastard!

Well you got me in the tractor the other day, that is payback.

Fuel, pump on, choke on.

-Um, right. -Yeah, you ready?

[Jeremy] Here we are demonstrating that once again

solar power is no match for internal combustion.

There it is. There it is. There it is!

Okay, that's pretty wild actually.

-[Kaleb] That's not really working is it?

-What do you mean?

It's too powerful.

It's taking all the seeds and the soil into the river there.

This is really hard work holding onto it.

-Oh! -[laughs]

Fucking hell! No, shut it down.

Right, as I've always said, speed and power doesn't work.

Solar power's the answer.

And so...

Come on, Kaleb, we'll let Zeus do his job.

-Got to come back down in 15 minutes.

-I know.

And water here and turn round and move the pipe.

[Jeremy] With the wetlands sorted,

I plunged into my next project.

Planting some trees for the government.

Which in the driest May on record

is not the sort of job your right leg will thank you for.

When Monty Don does this...

it always looks so incredibly easy.

The government announced that by 2025,

it would plant 125 million trees in the UK

and everybody said that's fantastic!

And it is.

But where are all these trees gonna come from?

You'd have to import them from abroad and if you do that,

you get abroad diseases like Ash dieback

from Scandinavia

and Dutch elm disease from Canada.

And then that kills off all the trees that are already here.

And who was gonna plant them? 125 million trees!

You can't even get people

to pick strawberries in this country.

And selfishly, there's another problem.

You know what I just thought of, if I plant a tree,

by the time it's an actual tree, I'll be dead.

So I'm doing all this work

for a bunch of ingrates and millennials.

I need to speed this up.

We're managing to plant all these trees

with just two track vehicles.

The dump truck, the van and the lorry. That's all we're using.

A tree!

-And this is the exhaust pipe. -This is the exhaust pipe.

So this is an irrigation and an aeration tube.

So it's putting water around the edge of the roots.

-So it's got holes in it. -It's got holes in it.

And how old is it? Five, ten years?

-Probably about 40-years-old, I reckon.

-Is it?

And this is what I've ended up with, 20 new trees.

Good for insects, good for birds, which will nest in them.

I don't normally like trees,

but I like these ones 'cause they've all got exhaust pipes.

As May came to a close, there was still no sign of rain.

So we did everything we could

to look after everything in our care.

We built some shade for the trout.

I moved water about non-stop.

Kaleb stood around with his hose.

And Charlie monitored the vegetables

I'd planted in lockdown.

It's not ideal conditions, but you know,

we've got the farm shop,

we need something to stock it.

We've got Swiss chard, we've got beans,

broad beans, we've got swedes,

we've got turnips, we've got leeks.

Whatever you want,

we're growing it up here, or trying to.

I think it's gonna be a real challenge.

[Jeremy] But the biggest challenge

was the state of our main crops,

as Charlie pointed out on our next field walk.

-So this wheat. -And if we come down,

you can just see now that we've got quite a lot of...

Brilliant, that's a whole loaf of bread just gone.

So we've got rust coming on the bottom.

-We've got what? -Rust.

-So it's a type of disease. -What, like a Lancia?

Exactly.

But the main problem at the moment

is at this end of the plant,

we need these lovely white

fresh roots to keep growing with the moisture.

-And there isn't any moisture.

-'Cause there isn't any moisture.

I mean we've been in lockdown now

for six, seven weeks, haven't we?

It's just because I came to see this rust.

-Yes.

-But we've been in lockdown for...

-And it hasn't really rained, really.

-No, well, about two months.

Yeah, two months.

It was the same parched story everywhere.

He's ripped up another bit.

It's just getting a little bit stressed, moisture stress again.

-So they become a bit waxy. -How do you know?

-Oh, I see, so the white stuff? -The white stuff.

So the white stuff is just like a wax,

so it's just protecting itself,

So the leaves are curled.

So it's stressy when it's got white stuff on it?

Yeah. And the leaves are curled to try and reduce moisture.

[Jeremy] Ah! So curling round is bad?

-Curling round is a bad sign. - Stress.

[Dave] Stress, these crops are stressed.

[Jeremy] The water shortage was a serious problem,

but it wasn't the only thing that was bothering me.

I was doing this thing the other day,

I was watching Kaleb spraying something or other.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

How long can we keep just spraying fields before they go,

"Actually you know what? I've given all I can give"?

-The crop? -Just the soil.

Isn't it a bit like saying to a footballer,

right you've done the whole Premier League season,

now you're immediately going on to play

in the Southern Hemisphere

and you've got to give just as much

there and then straight back.

They're not gonna last very long as footballers.

So that's why we have a rotation.

So we grow different...

But we do wheat, barley, rape. So there's no real...

But the rotation breaks up the rotation of chemicals.

And we're not just pouring on chemicals

just for the sake of it.

I appreciate it. We're doing it for all the right reasons.

Feed the world, keep the crops healthy.

Long term though, some people are saying,

I mean they're probably scaremongers,

but nevertheless,

they're saying that in this country

we only have 90 or 100 harvests left

before the top soil is dead.

-Am I allowed to be a bit worried?

-It's only right to be worried.

[Jeremy] Once Charlie and I had finished the crop walk,

I turned my attention to a murder mystery.

Normally my hens look like this.

But in the last couple of days,

they'd started to look like this.

And I just worked out what was going on.

This is a pastoral scene, you would agree.

All the sheep rubbing up against the henhouses.

There's nothing pastoral about it, though.

Because what they do is they open the henhouse doors.

Not making it up, they rub against the catches until...

No, the blue one, they've opened it, come on.

There you go.

Come on, clear off.

Look, they rub themselves against the catches

so the door opens and the hens can get out.

I wonder why they do it?

The only reason I can think is that

they're bored and they just think,

"Hey, girls, let's just go and let some hens out

"and see how far they get

before they're eaten by the fox."

I mean the foxes live in a hole,

I can see it actually from here, in that hedge.

Basically they're living opposite a branch of KFC.

The sheep know the foxes are there.

They know the hens are here.

It's just a game to them.

[Jeremy] Kaleb, however, dismissed my theory.

As we built a fence to stop the problem,

he said the sheep were rubbing themselves on the henhouses

because they were hot and itchy.

Which meant it was time to shear them.

-Well, they basically live in this field.

-Yeah.

Well there's a story to tell there, isn't there?

That's green and that isn't.

[Jeremy] So I gave Kevin from the NSA a call

and he was keen to hear how I'd got on with the lambing.

[Jeremy] Overall, all the lambs have survived, except one.

[Kevin] Well that's good.

[Jeremy] I did put my hand up one's bottom by mistake.

-I bet you've done that. -No.

It was an honest mistake. I wasn't doing it on purpose.

-[Kevin] Is this your friend? -Yeah, this is the one.

I think this is the one I went up the back,

'cause every time I come,

she comes and looks at me like, "Please don't do that again."

-Yeah, but because there's people here.

-I've apologized.

[Jeremy] Soon, Ellen the shepherd arrived with a mate.

The sheep were rounded up in their pens...

and a blizzard of shearing began.

-God look at... Does that spin round then?

-Yeah.

Oh, I've found it.

-What if you get your finger in there?

-They'll come off.

That's bloody...

I'm gonna cut my hand off if I...

-Why do they have that? -[Ellen] So you can move it.

'Cause otherwise you wouldn't be able

to get over all the bumps

-and the bends of the sheep. -That's lethal.

-You pull them out upside down. -'Cause then it's easy.

You can get straight on and start clipping them.

Just saves you time.

And this is done mainly for welfare reasons, isn't it.

I mean 'cause they'd be too hot.

They'd be too hot and it's more likely

they'd get maggots as well.

[Kevin] Right, you're looking for a job, I assume.

[Jeremy] Kevin then set me to work rolling up the fleeces.

All right. Throw it out.

Can you tell which was the back end from the neck?

-I reckon that's the back. -No, that's the neck.

-[Jeremy] Yeah, I knew that. -A bit of poo there look.

[Jeremy] Yeah, that's shit, yeah.

[Kevin] Need to take any poo off like that,

roll it up tight, bring your neck round

and stuff it in there.

That's a nice one.

This one was crapping...

How's it got crap at the back and the front?

Look it's crapped everywhere. It's got it on its feet.

I immediately decided rolling wasn't for me.

I want to have a go at that. Can I do the next one?

If you want. So you get her head.

And get her tail.

And they're gonna bend towards each other

and you're gonna step back.

No, no!

Right. First of all, I've got to be calm.

Give them no sense that I'm gonna

roll them on their back in a moment.

Just talking to you. Sheep psychology. Here we go.

-She already knows you're after her.

-Of course she does.

Stay calm, Kev, stay calm.

Let's have no panicking from you two.

Okay. Put your hand on her chin.

I've done a thing.

-We got her. -Well, yeah, but she's on me.

The next move is head.

I'm gonna get kicked.

Ow, it's got me in the testes! Oh, that's it. Right.

[all laugh]

I can't wrestle sheep.

To make life easier, Ellen pulled a sheep out for me.

So you want to put that leg up your bum crack.

-Up my bum crack? -Yeah.

-Where do I put her head? -Her head stays forward.

That side. Oh, God! Oh look, I know I'll settle her down.

Where are you going on your holidays this year?

There you go, now we've got a relaxed relationship going on.

Whoa! In the inner thigh!

Fucking hell, that's impossible.

I couldn't believe the idea of holding a sheep down,

already you need to be an octopus to do that,

already you need eight legs and you need to be strong.

-[Ellen] Yeah. -Then it's lying there,

thrashing its head around, looking for a weak spot in you,

while you're operating a thing

that would have your hand off as quick as anything.

I mean, the old dog I thought was impressive,

and now you're more impressive

-than your dog. -[laughs]

[Jeremy] After the shearing debacle,

I was put back on rolling duties.

And how did you spend the day, Jeremy?

Well ripping dingle berries out of shaved sheep's coats.

Because this is a sheep related enterprise,

I suspected it wouldn't be financially rewarding either.

I know there's Covid, so there's no exports to China.

Nobody's building houses, so nobody's buying new carpets.

And nobody wears wool clothes anymore

'cause everybody wears tracksuits and football shirts.

So how much am I gonna get for that fleece?

That probably I'd say 30 to 40p.

So, if there's 77 sheep.

£30.80.

£30.80 is what I'm going to get for all this wool!

Yeah.

Ellen is £1.75 a sheep, her mate's the same.

I then get 40 pence for what they produce.

Mmm-hmm.

Kev, this is a bam business.

Yeah, but we're not doing this section now

really to make money are we.

It did in the olden days.

Think about it half a million sheep

in the Cotswolds in the 12th century

and there were only two million people in the whole country.

Sheep outnumbered people

back then four to one in Britain.

Yeah, I mean if you look round

at some of the towns around here,

they got unfeasibly large churches,

that's because all the people

that made their money out of the wool,

felt they needed to give to the community

and just built massive churches.

Yeah. There, we've got massive churches and big houses.

Why do people wear tracksuits?

Why don't we make tracksuits illegal?

And football shirts, illegal. Illegal.

You can only wear woolen clothing.

We're right behind you.

-Right, no more tracksuits. -Woolly underpants.

Woolly underpants.

As Ellen and her mate blitzed through the sheep,

I got a visit from Gerald, who'd also been to the shearers.

-All right, Gerald. -Hello.

I didn't think you'd be with the herds out here.

That's the area with all the shit on.

I can finish it off if you want? I've got the shit.

[laughs] Yeah, I know.

I reckon now you'd pick whatever

or whichever one tank to put on each tree, haven't you?

And not disturbing them,

I would have thought they'd have went to Manchester.

Another thing I found two years ago on the subject...

Oh, yeah.

But, you know, with the old back,

it's a terrible job, that is.

You got bloody hoses fetching out there

in the place where your pond is.

Find no animals at all round here now.

You're better off with the dirt. You can't do that with animals.

Yeah. Right, I'm gonna roll this up.

Nice talking to you Gerald.

As the afternoon wore on,

the valueless fleeces kept on coming,

until eventually all we had left were the two rams.

Wayne and Leonardo.

If he writhes around now...

Funny thing is the real Wayne Rooney,

when he goes to the barbers,

he normally comes out with more hair

than he went in with, but not this one.

With Wayne and Leo sporting their new BNP haircuts,

it was time to down tools and crack open a beer.

I don't feel like I quite earned it though,

I've got to be honest, 'cause I

didn't really master sheep shearing.

Yeah, but as the host, it's always good

to have a beer with the shearers

to say thank you for all the hard work.

Yeah, but they brought the beer, so I'm now feeling bad.

You didn't tell me about the need

to bring beer to a sheep shearing,

and he didn't tell me that sheep have two holes at the back.

-Well, you know that now, don't you?

-Oh, yeah.

You learned that one.

[Jeremy] With the beer break over,

there was still one job left.

Move the sheep to their new field,

which was on the other side of the farm.

And given that I hadn't been much help all day,

I volunteered to take point

and steer the flock from the front.

-[sheep bleating] -Come on, girls. Come on, girls!

Come on girls, you're going on a road now.

-Welcome to my world, the highways.

-[sheep bleating]

"Baa" to you too. No, no, not there.

[Kevin] Don't let them go by, Jeremy!

No, you've overtaken me. Whoa, slow down!

-[Kevin] You're in front, Jeremy!

-No, no, whoa!

[Kevin] You've got to be in front of them!

That's not gone terribly well.

-[Ellen] Come here! -[Kevin whistles]

Where are you going?

-[Ellen] Lie down! -[Kevin] Come on, girls.

Well, they've just...

Now they're just trampling the crop now.

-[Kevin] Come on, girls. -Well, walk on the margins.

They all think they're Russell Crowe.

[whistles]

-[Jeremy] Come on, girls! -[Kevin] Come on, girls!

[Jeremy] Come to me. This has not gone well.

-[Kevin] Come on, girls. -There's the dog.

The dog contributing slightly to this, mostly me.

Come on, girls!

Don't do that. Don't do that.

No. No. No!

-[Ellen] Wait. Come by. -[Jeremy] Right, watch the dog.

[Ellen] Come by, come by, come by! Come by!

[Jeremy] Come on dog, get them back.

Good dog. There they go.

-[Ellen] Get on. -[Jeremy] Go on labradog.

[Kevin] Come on, girls.

[Jeremy] They're now going in the right direction.

-That's a great sight. -[Ellen] Not a bad view, is it?

-[Jeremy] It's lovely, isn't it?

-[Kevin] That's the beauty of this job.

See something like that and it just makes you smile.

[Jeremy] Eventually after a fraught

but visually stunning journey,

the sheep were at their destination.

This is the very field where I first had

the idea to keep sheep.

I thought they'd be a cheap and easy way

of keeping the grass down ecologically.

But seriously, I could have done this field,

mown it completely in the tractor in an hour,

would have cost me a tenner in diesel.

But no, Jeremy knows best. I shall keep sheep.

[laughs] What was I thinking of?

I quite enjoyed having them though.

So, the newly trimmed sheep

were now equipped to deal with the heat,

which is more than could be said of my new trees.

Even though we were watering them constantly,

they were all shedding their leaves and dying.

And it was the same story everywhere.

I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks' time.

And the big question was would they all

just be shriveled husks by then?

Give me anything, grow something, make something.

-I am growing things. -Do something.

Now we have to have an enforcement case opened on us.

[car honks]

Are you fucking having me on?

Every single thing you can do in the countryside,

you can't do in London.

Where am I?