Original subtitles

Hey, check this out.

I was buying a new fishing rod today,

and they were just handing these out.

A 2019 "Most Beautiful Bass" calendar?

Holy shit, you got that for free?

Totally free. Can you believe it?

I mean, look at these gorgeous guys.

Let me see.

- Look at that. - Wow.

What a bunch of hunks.

Mm. Now, who's your favorite? Be honest, all right?

February is pretty good-looking.

February does have the prettiest eyes.

Oh, I don't know. Look at April.

April's got the best body.

Mm, but October,

now, he looks like a real sweetheart.

- Yeah, come to Mama. - Right?

Looks like he'd take you out to a nice dinner.

If things are going well, you could rip out

his skeleton and eat him.

- That sounds so romantic. - Mm-hmm.

You know, I did that to a guy in college once.

I can't believe the lake house trip

is only a couple weeks away.

- Yeah. - It's a big one this year.

Thirteen's a big one?

I thought it was 14.

Is 14 a big one?

Well, they're all kind of big ones in a way.

Aw.

Hey.

I have this totally crazy idea

that I've been meaning to talk to you about.

Okay.

What if...

we went somewhere else this year?

Hmm. I mean, it's kind of a tradition for us.

But maybe. Where did you have in mind?

What about a ski trip?

- It's active. It's outdoors. - Mm.

I was just reading this great interview with Edie Falco.

She's very into skiing.

She and her family go all the time.

Really?

I mean, she's one of my favorites.

I know. She's amazing.

- Talented and... - Yeah.

- ...down to earth. - Yeah.

I think she might have adopted

some kids at one point, and...

even if she didn't, it seems like she would.

Hundred percent agree. I love her.

So let's go skiing.

My company has some nice properties up in Big Bear.

We could go for cheap.

I don't know.

I already told my staff that we're going up

- to the lake house. - Mm-hmm.

So what do I tell them tomorrow if they ask me about it?

That we decided to go somewhere new this year?

Hmm.

Uh, "Hey, guys, uh,

we're going skiing this weekend."

Yeah, that could work.

See?

All right.

Let's go skiing.

Let's do it.

Well...

sorry, October, I guess we'll have

to murder you and your family next year.

Aw, look, you made him sad.

- That's a frown. - Aw.

- His mouth is... - Sad face.

I'm gonna throw this in the garbage.

- You don't want it, do you? - God, no.

There you go, ma'am.

So you're picking up a new hobby?

Yeah, I think it could be fun.

Mm. At your age?

We're the same age.

Uh, yeah, knee-deep in our 40s.

You're supposed to be quitting shit, not adding on.

Well, I think Oscar and I need to mix things up.

It would be good for us.

Ugh, you married people always talk about "mixing things up."

That sounds real bleak.

No, it's not that things are going badly.

Everything's fine.

It's just, you know, you have

to keep working on things

all the time.

It's sort of like

tending to a garden.

Like I said, "bleak."

- Okay. - All right.

- You know what? - You know,

- I love being single. - Mm.

You know what I do?

Whatever I want all the time.

- Yeah, no shit. - Yeah.

Last night, I wanted me a baked potato.

So I went on down to Ruth's Chris. Mm!

And now I'm trading filthy pictures

with the bartender.

Wow, another bartender?

Also, do you think that just because I'm married,

I can't get a baked potato whenever I want?

Because I can.

I'm eating baked potatoes all the fucking time.

Aw, all right, all right. You got a good thing going.

What you think about this, though?

Jesus.

What is that?

It's either very close up or very far away.

Pull it...pull it back a little bit.

- Okay? - Oh! Oh, God.

- Yeah. - Oh, wow.

Going to the lake house this weekend?

We're actually going skiing instead.

Oh.

That's different.

Yeah.

How much farther?

About half an hour.

Oh, okay.

So say we weren't in the car.

What do you think's the best activity

of all time when you have exactly half an hour?

Okay.

Half an hour.

- How about... - Mm-hmm?

How about a bath?

Great in theory, terrible in practice.

See, 'cause you gotta fill the tub,

you gotta adjust the temperature,

and then by the time you get in the bath,

you got about ten minutes left of your half hour.

A very good point.

Mm, I'm sorry about that.

Oh. I got it.

Massage.

- Eh, it's risky. - How come?

- Because of the masseuse. - Uh-huh.

- Might get a talker. - Ah.

- "Hey, you live around here?" - Oh, no.

"Hey, want to listen to some music?"

- Ugh. - "Oh, I love music."

Ew!

- "You a music fan?" - Ugh, go fuck yourself.

Yeah.

What about watching an episode of Jeopardy?

Uh-huh, nice. I like it.

- It's exciting. - Right.

- You learn things. - Sure.

Then during the commercial breaks,

you just get to look at your phone.

Mm-hmm. Ooh!

You could look at your phone for half an hour.

- A very strong contender. - Very strong.

That's in there.

What about sex?

- Ooh. - Duh.

- A great idea. - Simple.

It's right there. You don't need anything.

Easy. Free.

Yeah.

I got to say, half an hour's a little long.

It's a little long. Yeah.

I feel like 20 minutes, tops.

Then you're just like,

"What are we doing here?"

I got it.

- Okay? - I'm listening.

You get into a warm bed,

eat a large McDonald's fries,

and sleep for 25 minutes.

Wow!

- Mm? - You got it.

I got it.

Fries and going to bed?

- Yes, immediately. - That's the winner.

Mm-hmm, it's pretty good.

I'm gonna do it right now.

Oh, no...oh!

Sir, you have to dr... you have to drive.

- Wow. - Oh.

How gorgeous is this?

- This is so beautiful. - I know.

- Such a good idea, honey. - Aw.

Thank you.

Jesus motherfucking Christ, that's cold!

Good Lord. Jesus.

Is it gonna be that cold everywhere?

Is it that bad? You're scaring me.

It's pretty bad.

All right. We can do this.

On my count of three, let's go out there.

- Together. You ready? - All right, all right.

- Okay. - Okay.

One...

Two...

three.

No!

- God! Fuck! - God!

- Good mother...good Lord! - Ah!

How are children out in this weather?

Their parents should be put in jail.

I don't know.

Oh, my fucking face.

Let's just go up to the slopes.

It'll be warmer if we keep moving.

Fucking air.

Oh, fuck you!

- God! - Fuck!

- Look at these things. - Yeah.

They look so high-tech.

Excuse me. Hi.

Um, are these the same kind

that professionals wear?

No.

He doesn't know what he's talking about, honey.

They look great.

- Uh-oh. - What?

What?

I think my contact lens fell out.

Oh, no.

- Really? - Yeah. It's not in there.

I'm not used to these things, you know.

- Can't have gone far. - Shoot.

Right around here. I'll find it.

No, no, no, let me. I'll look for it.

Blech.

It's so wet down here.

It's disgusting.

Oh, wait. Is this it?

Ah.

Ugh, is that a fingernail?

Ew!

Well, it's a boot rental place,

so it's probably a toenail.

Ugh!

- Wait, hold on. - What?

I think I actually feel it in there.

Yeah, it's stuck up under the lid.

I can get it.

It's coming down. It's coming down.

It's coming down. It's coming down.

It's coming down. It's coming down.

It's coming. It's in.

Should we go?

Sure.

This line has not moved in 30 minutes.

It has been a little long.

But, you know, once we get to actually skiing,

it's gonna be so fun.

We'll be, like, whipping down the mountain

just like Edie Falco and her wonderful family.

Is she married? I know she has kids.

I don't know if she... Oh, here we go.

Finally.

Hello, we'd like to sign up

for the adult beginner's class, please.

I'm sorry, all the adult classes

are filled up for the day.

Of course they are.

- Mm. - Sorry about that.

Is there anything, anything private?

Any other option we can sign up for?

Let me check.

There's one thing we could do.

All right, uh, everyone say their name and age.

We're gonna go around the horn.

I'm Jasper, and I'm almost 12.

I'm Tim. I'm nine.

My name is June, and I bet, to a lot of you,

I look like I'm probably 100 years old.

That was a joke.

It was?

Uh... - Man down.

Ma'am, you all right?

- We're okay. - A little help?

- Grab my arm, sweetie. - Oopsie.

- Her glove came off. - My glove came off.

Well, ma'am, this class is only 45 minutes,

so we got to move on.

Why don't you guys ski over

to the conveyor belt over there?

- Can you just pull my pole? - All right?

You sure you're okay? You don't need some help?

Oh, yeah. You guys go ahead and get a head start.

- You sure? - Yep.

- Okay. - Okay.

We'll see you up the mountain.

- Yep. - Just go left.

There you go. Use that.

Look, honey, I'm doing it.

I'm doing the pizza.

Oh, boy.

All right.

Go ahead and start when I blow the whistle.

Good luck, sweetie.

Thanks, you too.

There you go.

There you go, Oscar.

Nice job, "A" team.

"A" team!

Let's go up to the top and start the race again.

I want to switch teams. She sucks.

All...all right, Jasper.

This is just for fun. Everyone's learning.

Why are there old people in this class anyways?

- She's 100. - That was just a funny joke.

Listen, where are your parents?

Are they around? I would really love to talk to them.

They're having fun skiing because they know how.

They've been skiing since they were kids

because they aren't poor.

Hey!

We're upper middle class. I'm a dentist.

Cool brag, dude.

Listen, it wasn't my idea

to be in a class with little kids.

I would prefer to be with a group of adults.

But that class was full.

So we're just gonna have to make the best of it, all right?

No. I don't want to be on your team.

Why don't you go back to the lodge

and sit on your old, fat ass?

Why don't you suck my dick?

Oh, gosh.

Okay, ma'am, this is becoming disruptive.

I didn't want to have to do this, but you're gonna have

to take off your skis and go sit down by the Time-Out Dog.

Understood.

Okay, so...

I talked to Jasper's dad.

Also quite a character.

Good news, according to him,

"the little shit had it coming."

Which I guess is bad news for Jasper's home life.

I don't know why you felt the need to apologize.

Well...

you probably could have been a little more patient.

He was being really shitty. What would you have done?

I don't know.

I wouldn't have pushed him down the hill.

I didn't push him down the hill.

He lost his balance.

Okay.

Besides, since when are you

the defender of little kids?

That's a little surprising.

What does that mean?

I just mean you never seem like the biggest fan of little kids.

- That's all. - I love kids.

I get along great with them.

Well, every time we talked about having them,

you never seemed that interested.

Whoa.

Wha...

I mean, we both agreed

we weren't gonna have kids, right?

I don't totally remember it that way.

Okay. Should we...

should we go get some food?

I feel like we're both just really hungry.

Let's get burgers.

I bet they're really terrible.

I don't feel like a burger right now.

I'm sorry. I don't totally understand what you're saying.

So...you want kids now?

No. I...

I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm sorry. I guess I'm just saying...

Our lives are fine, but I mean, don't you think about

what we really accomplished?

I don't know.

I mean, don't you ever wonder

what the purpose of everything is?

Uh, not really. No.

Forget it.

Well...

I'm gonna go get some more practice runs in.

I'm gonna get a glass of rosé at the bar.

All right, well, see you after, then?

Yeah.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

Cold enough for ya?

I guess. That's why I'm here.

Fair enough.

We got a live one here!

Course, I'm used to the cold. I'm from Vancouver.

Where are you from?

Uh, Riverside.

Oh, wow. What's it like there?

Actually, it kind of sucks.

It's mostly strip malls and meth labs.

Whoa.

Well, don't sugarcoat it for me.

I'm sorry. I've had a very long day.

Listen, you don't have to apologize to me.

But if you're looking for a change of scenery,

you should come to Vancouver.

Yeah, maybe I should do that someday.

Oh, you'd love it there.

It's a wonderful city.

Very cosmopolitan.

There's actually a large Asian population there now.

Really?

Oh, yeah. They just move right in.

They love it there.

I am a huge, huge Asian food fan myself.

Fried rice, sushi.

We have these Japanese hot dogs there.

They're called Japadogs.

And they come with seaweed and mayo on them.

They're nuts. I just love them.

- Japadogs? - Yeah.

I feel like that name almost sounds offensive but not quite.

Yeah.

Oh, man, I'm getting hungry just talking about them.

You want to get some spring rolls?

I saw them on the menu earlier.

I have to confess, I've been thinking

about ordering them for a while.

Sure, why not? Let's get some spring rolls.

Okay. One order of spring rolls.

And another round of rosé for the lady.

What's your name?

Uh, June.

June. Clint.

- Great to meet you. - Clint.

Good to meet you too.

What's wrong?

You scared or something?

Yes, Jasper.

I think it's pretty clear that I'm scared.

Pussy.