Original subtitles

[BANGING ON DOOR]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

-Jay, what you doing? -Stay where you are.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Sorry, sweetheart. Who are you?

Oh, you're handsome, aren't you?

Fuck it.

Cheers, mate.

Wait, where are the police?

See, they wanted me to plant a tracker on you guys,

but I knew they were full of shit

so, I stuck it in Mrs D's fish instead.

[COUGHING]

No harm done.

You have two minutes to explain.

And it better be good.

Okay.

Kim. There is this TV show called Crystal Maze.

And at the end all the players,

they have to stand in this big fucking

-crystal dome thing... -Right.

Hey, just give him a chance!

...and they blow all these

bits of silver and gold shit into your face,

but the trick is you only have to catch the gold ones to win.

If you catch the silver ones you lose.

Okay, you can kill him.

Wait, wait, wait, okay.

I went to the police

because...

since, uh, dad died

I've just been fucking lost

in the crystal wind.

Shit blowing in my face

and the only person who can help me

separate the gold from the silver

is that kid standing right there.

Look, man, my loyalties are to Nicky and Beth

and...

and he wasn't exactly gonna save himself, was he?

Because, well, love makes you do stupid shit.

Whoa, there! Sorry. Permission to hop aboard.

Uh, you do know I don't...

Yeah! That would be...

I think you're nice and everything.

-I think you're nice. -Thanks.

I just mean in the same way I think that candle is nice.

It's a lovely candle.

-It looks nice. -Yeah.

-It smells nice. -Scented, actually.

-Like pine cones. -Cones.

[CHUCKLING]

Wow.

I bottled it, okay?

And I'm sorry.

But when I realised what they were up to,

I unbottled it!

And out flew the devil. Just like Pandora.

And her little, wooden, box.

-Wait, wait. -Please, please.

[MOBILE RINGING]

Beth! Babe! You are a lifesaver.

MAN: I thought we had an agreement.

Brooks.

What the fuck do they want with Beth?

Hello, Alan.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

TINA: What do you want?

I've got a cat, actually.

Yeah.

Always bringing dead birds in.

Heads cut off,

guts all over the fucking kitchen floor.

Apparently, it's supposed to be a gift.

I've always thought that was quite a bold choice

on his behalf, you know what I mean?

You've got your money and your fall guy.

Why are we having this conversation?

No. Because your little pal

let the cat out of the bag.

Terri now knows that Ian did not kill Jimmy.

And the money is nowhere to be seen.

[WHISPERS] You kept the money?

Oh, my God.

Now I need you to bring me a little gift.

Otherwise it won't be me calling you next time.

And Terri is a lot more vicious than her Dad ever was.

Okay.

Meet me at Carl's Caff in a couple of hours.

I'll send you the location.

You'll get your money and your dead little bird.

I appreciate that, Jo.

I really do.

[STUTTERS] Why are they at Beth's house? Is she okay?

I told you to give that money back, didn't I?

Now's your chance.

Go and get it.

We're leaving.

TINA: [OVER RADIO] They'll be here soon.

Make sure Jay's ready with the money. Over.

Roger that, Mum. And for the record, I'm still super angry with you.

Roger that, Kim. Permission to deal with it later? Over and out.

Please don't ask for my permission

and then say "out" before I've had the chance to answer.

-It's really annoying. -Copy. Completely understood.

-Over and out. -You just spoke right over me.

You do realise that?

Radio comms only please, Kimmy. Thank you. Out.

[COMMS BEEPS]

You sure about this, bro?

They were at Beth's house. I've got to do this.

[TINA CONTINUES ON COMMS INDISTINCTLY]

But then we've seriously got to start talking about the business.

Get that shit up and running. You get me?

[SKYPE RINGING]

Shit. Hold this.

TINA: Please say "out" at the end of your messages. Out.

Out.

JAY: Are you all right?

What the fuck is going on Jay?

I find half a million pounds in cash

then two police detectives, with guns, are in our house going through our stuff.

I'm trying to make it right, okay?

I was just trying to...

I know you don't wanna spend the rest of your life

with the geezer off the fish counter. I get that.

What you on about? I don't care about that.

I got plans for me and you. That's all I'm saying.

I don't need plans, Jay,

I need my boyfriend to be honest with me.

You want to talk to me about honesty?

All right, if we're being honest, then, Beth,

and you really don't care about my job and that.

Then...

Marry me.

[SCOFFS] What?

Yeah. Serious. Marry me.

Jesus, Jay. I...

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Babe, please, listen to me for a minute.

-All right, forget it. I have to go. -Jay...

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Come here, man.

BROOKS: Okay, this is the place.

[EXHALES] All right.

So, when he comes out...

Could you, could you just, stop doing that!

All right. Let me do all the talking.

We need the money, and him, in the car.

-Thompson! -Sorry.

God.

NICKY: I hate it when places only serve dishonest, foreign food.

Yeah, like halloumi.

NICKY: It's like stop pretending to be chicken, you cheesy bastard.

-Who's that? -Fit.

Here we go.

[COUGHS]

Get in the car, sweetheart.

I thought this was a bag drop.

Well, we're not exactly going to do it out here in the open, are we?

Do you know what I mean, like, that's my line of argument.

This is the same conundrum, yeah, that I have with tomatoes.

Oh, my God, don't get me started on tomatoes.

Like, you're not a fruit are you?

If you were you'd be delicious and fruity.

Don't go around and be like, I'm not a vegetable.

Yeah, d'you know what, listen, fuck tomatoes, innit?

Fuck tomatoes!

Would you two please, shut the fuck... Where's Kim?

Oh, shit.

There's cameras on the cafe.

If you get in the car

we'll go somewhere quiet.

BROOKS: While we're still young. Whenever you're ready.

I'll drive! You shoot!

-What do you want us to do? -I dunno,

maybe just take care of staying the fuck out of my face.

I'd really appreciate it.

CARL: Oi!

Are you with them bastards?

Get out of the fucking way!

-Not until I know what's going on. -Move!

Or what?

What's going on?

They were gonna kill you. Could you not see that?

Take this.

Shit.

BROOKS: Fuck this!

Fuck my life!

TINA: Kim! Take mine.

-What are you doing? -I'm going to ask them to stop.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Shit!

TINA: Shoot the bloody tyres!

I'm trying! Hold it steady!

Magazine!

Watch my windscreen. Watch my fucking windscreen!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

[SCREAMS]

Whoa!

[COUGHING]

[KIM CHEERING]

Fuck! Fuck it!

We should find somewhere to camp.

It'll be dark soon and it's still a long drive to the cabin.

Who says we're going back to the cabin?

It's just somewhere safe to lie low and make a plan. Okay?

Even you'd agree with that. Wouldn't you, dick wallet?

Dick wallet? What's a dick wallet?

TINA: That's decided then.

We'll camp tonight and we will leave for the cabin at first light.

Seriously. What's a dick wallet?

KIM: I think she means some sort of

dystopian future in which money no longer means anything.

-Right. -And the only currency...

-Yeah. -...is for some unknown reason,

the severed penii of your fallen enemies.

Right, which you would carry around

in some kind of bespoke, leather-bound...

-Dick wallet. Exactly. -Right.

Yeah, I mean, cool. But...

I think it would be more of a purse.

You have to tell him, you know?

About the business.

Yeah, I could tell him.

Or I could just change all my life plans

and start a landscaping business to avoid having that conversation.

Okay. I'll tell him.

I just need you to tell me exactly what to say. Word for word.

It's easy. You just look him in the eye

and you say, "Jay, you're my brother

-"and you know how much I love you." -And you know how much I love you

and care for you

and I know this is a really hard time for you,

but...

I can't start a business with you, bro.

I've been offered an internship in London.

I'm really sorry, man, I just...

What do I know about landscaping? Huh?

And with my hay fever, I'd be terrible.

Compost gives me a rash!

I'm more of an indoor person.

-I just think... -Just, just...

[SIGHS]

I get it.

You've got to do what's best for you.

Don't feel bad about that. Yeah?

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Thanks, man.

JAY: Hey, at least the money in this is split one way, now, innit?

He's right, you know.

When this is over you should do whatever you want.

Just don't undervalue what we have. That's all I ask.

Okay! I'm going to get some more firewood.

Nicky, you coming?

You sure you're okay?

I'm fine, kid.

Go on, go with Kim.

Go on, go on.

Beth's pregnant.

And she didn't tell me.

I mean, why would she?

I mean, what am I really going to offer her and a baby?

That business was the only chance I had, man.

Do me a favour. Close your eyes, Jay.

Now, just imagine this,

you,

and Beth

and the baby,

and you're in a cabin in the woods.

There's nothing else.

No pressures.

No expectations.

No TV.

No money.

Nothing.

Just let that all melt away.

Shit...

I'll leave that with you, champ.

All right, boss.

We'll let you know.

That was Terri.

She's sending reinforcements.

She said if we don't find them,

then she'll take one of us instead.

I used to be a good copper, you know?

Life was a lot less complicated.

We're gonna find this mob.

And when we do.

We're gonna tell Terri that the money just...

disappeared.

And then we're gonna split it 50-50, I swear.

If she finds out, she'll kill us both.

I gave my whole life to Terri and her Dad.

If I'm gonna die alone,

I'd rather it was with an eight ball of coke in a beach rental in Malibu.

We understand each other?

Fifty-fifty.

And you have to promise to stop being such a grumpy prick.

I think I can manage that.

Thank you.

Now, fuck off.

That was amazing! I can't believe I just said what I thought.

And saying what I thought made the situation ten times better.

I don't get it. Isn't that what people just do that all of the time?

No. Nobody does.

Well. How do you ever tell anyone what you want?

By dropping subtle hints

and sighing loudly if they get it wrong.

Right. So if I wanted to kiss you now,

how would I go about it?

In your world?

You can spend six or seven months beating around the bush

and then, just drink half a bottle of vodka and then...

I'd like to kiss you now.

Oh.

Please.

My way's better. See?

Wow.

That's number 16 well and truly crossed off the old list, eh?

You read my book?

I'd say more like browsed.

Leafed, really.

Dipped my toe in and thought "Oh, God, the water's cold in there. I'm out."

Say something.

You see, you can't trust him.

Kim. Kim.

Nice one, dipshit.

NICKY: It's so obvious you want to take us back to the cabin,

so, you can pressurise Kim into staying there.

TINA: Oh, really? What about you?

You think you're so smart, don't you?

You really think Kim's gonna choose you over her own mother?

-Why don't you ask her? -Are you crying?

NICKY: No, I'm not crying.

♪ I'm so tired of playing

♪ Playing with this bow and arrow

♪ Gonna give my heart away

♪ Leave it to the other girls to play

♪ For I've been a temptress too long ♪

Looks like we might get our little bird after all.

Where are those reinforcements?

Any minute now.

All right, then.

[COUGHS]

♪ Give me a reason to love you

♪ Give me a reason to be

♪ A woman