Original subtitles

[orchestral music]

*

[audience ohs]

[laughter]

*

[cheers and applause]

- COME ON.

YOU'VE NEVER WANTED TO SEE A GIRL'S FACE

GET PUNTED IN SLOW-MO... ON ACCIDENT?

WELCOME TO TOSH.0.

NO, MY NECK IS NOT GOING TO A FANCY GALA.

IT'S JUST DRAPED IN LUXURIOUS CASHMERE.

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING

WHAT SKYLINE IS BEHIND ME THIS EVENING, IT'S ROME.

TONIGHT IN THE SHOW, IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE.

NOPE, IT'S JUST THIS GUY.

I RESTORE SOME MUCH NEEDED INTEGRITY

TO THE SPORT OF CYCLING

AND WE FOCUS ON AREAS YOUR VALENTINE COULD IMPROVE.

NOW TAKE ME BACK TO THE OLD

PRETEND-TO-KICK-A-LIGHT-FIXTURE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TRICK.

- 3, 2, 1.

- GO!

[audience ohs]

- THE FACE IS THE WORST PART OF THE BODY TO BLOCK A KICK WITH.

THAT LIGHT BULB OWES HER ITS LIFE NOW.

[slow-mo sound effects]

- YET ANOTHER GREAT REASON FOR VAULTED CEILINGS.

I'M GLAD HE DIDN'T KICK THE LIGHT OUT...

SO I COULD SEE THERE'S ANOTHER CHICK IN THE BED.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OVER THERE?

CLOSE YOUR DRAWERS, LADIES. OH, THAT ANNOYS ME!

[laughter]

THIS NEXT VIDEO MAKES ME WONDER WWSMS--

WHAT WOULD SAL MASEKELA SAY?

- OH, MY GOD, OH! OH, MY!

- LOOKIN' SEXY!

I SEE THE X GAMES HAVE BEEN READING MY LETTERS.

- OH, MY GOD! HE'S--OH!

[audience ohs]

- AT LEAST A SNOWMOBILE DIDN'T LAND ON HIM?

I WONDER WHERE HE HANGS HIS LIFT TICKET.

THAT'S OKAY. I WAS THERE THAT DAY.

THEY HAD THREE INCHES OF POWDER. THAT ICE IS SOFT.

YOU THINK THAT OUTFIT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I SURF IN.

[laughter]

BY THE WAY, THAT WAS REALLY DANGEROUS.

I ALMOST DROWNED.

NOTHING WORSE THAN WET CASHMERE.

YEAH, I WAS WEARING IT AS A BASE LAYER.

NOW, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HUGGED A ASIAN?

[men singing]

SEE, BY THE TIME CHINA FINISHES SEWING OUR CLOTHES,

THEY'RE TOO TIRED TO MAKE THEIR OWN.

NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE "CROCK"

AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.

AND THAT'S HOW AN iPAD MINI IS BORN.

BIG DEAL. DUKE'S BASKETBALL TEAM DOES THIS AFTER EVERY PLAY.

THEY'RE TRYING TO WIN $106

ON CHANG AND CHANG IN THE MORNING.

DANCES AT NINJA SCHOOLS

ARE TOTAL VIENNA SAUSAGE PARTIES.

VIENNA.

[laughter]

MAYBE HAVING A FEW DAUGHTERS IN THAT COUNTRY

WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BAD IDEA.

[time expired gong sound effect]

OH, TOO BAD! I HAD 1.3 BILLION MORE.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES HERE'S THE DOWN SIDE TO DATING A DOCTOR.

[laughter]

I HAVE FOUR QUESTIONS.

SHE SEEMS POPULAR. HOW COME NOBODY'S SIGNED HER CAST?

HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN WEARING THOSE JEAN SHORTS?

DOES HER HMO COVER SLUTTY ACCIDENTS?

HAS SHE BEEN BANGED IN THAT GAMING CHAIR?

THAT LAST ONE'S RHETORICAL.

ALL RIGHT, GET PLENTY OF REST.

WE'LL HAVE YOU BACK ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES IN NO TIME.

I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT RECENTLY,

AND I WENT WITH A PINK CAST BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY,

BUT EVERYBODY JUST TEASED ME, SAID I LOOKED GAY.

[moans]

THE WEIRD PART ABOUT THAT CAST IS I JUST HAD AN ANKLE SPRAIN.

I'M NOT SURE THESE NEXT GIRLS ARE FOLLOWING THE RECIPE.

[beaters whirring]

- [laughs]

[screams]

[laughter]

- LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HAVING HAIR PIE.

WHO WANTS TO LICK THE BEATERS?

[beaters whirring]

- [screams]

- ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, FEMINISTS?

YOU GOT YOUNG GIRLS ALL CONFUSED IN THE KITCHEN.

[laughter]

PRETTY SURE MILEY CYRUS' BARBER USES A FOOD PROCESSOR.

WHAT'S NEXT?

[funky music]

**

- * CAN YOU QUACK?

* CAN YOU QUACK LIKE A DUCK WHEN YOU SUCK? *

- GREAT. NOW I'VE GOT TO CHANGE MY RINGTONE.

LET'S HEAD DOWN TO AUSTIN, TEXAS,

THE LIVE MUSIC CAPITAL OF THE WORLD,

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

AW, THE SOUTH BY SOUTHEAST FESTIVAL

IS STILL WORKING OUT THE KINKS.

[laughter]

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT--

IT'S NOT COOL TO BURN THE FLAG, BUT YOU'RE OKAY

WITH LETTING PERVERT JESUS COVER IT IN BALL SWEAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE PITCHFORK ONLY GAVE THIS A 7.2.

HE IS ASKING ALL THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS KNEW ALL THE WORDS.

IF I EVER GET MARRIED,

"CAN YOU [bleep] ON MY CHEST FOR GOOD LUCK"

WILL BE ENGRAVED INSIDE OUR WEDDING BANDS.

- * CAN YOU QUACK?

* CAN YOU QUACK LIKE A DUCK WHEN YOU SUCK? *

- THIS HAPPENS TO LADY GAGA ALL THE TIME.

HEY, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU MAKE A REQUEST.

YOU PULL THAT CRAP AT THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER,

THEY'LL KICK YOU OUT.

[laughter]

AS LONG AS YOU MAKE A SARCASTIC FACE,

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH GIVING ANOTHER DUDE A HAND JOB.

I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION

THIS GUY'S GETTING PAID IN HEROIN.

OH, I JUST HOPE THE CHOREOGRAPHY IS BETTER

WHEN THEY DO THIS SONG ON GLEE.

UH, ATTENTION,

THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF GOOD SEATS AVAILABLE IN FRONT.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO MOVE UP.

MIGHT WANT TO SPRINKLE SOME SCOTT'S TURFMASTER ON YOUR LAWN.

OR STOP BURNING CROSSES.

IT COULD BE WORSE.

THEY COULD BE IN RYAN SEACREST'S BACKYARD,

LISTENING TO OWL CITY, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MY NEW FAVORITE SUPERHERO.

BUT FIRST, OFFICER DOWN. ALL UNITS COME MAKE FUN OF HIM.

[sirens]

[audience ohs]

[applause]

- I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW FAST

I CAN CRANK THIS STATIONARY BICYCLE

AT THE LOWEST RESISTANCE SETTING.

[laughter]

WHOO!

I AM THE FIRST HUMAN EVER TO RUN OVER 30 MILES PER HOUR.

WHOO!

[grunts]

WHOO-HOO!

WOW! THAT'S SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH.

THAT'S THE X12.

- I GUESS GREAT POWER DOES NOT COME WITH A GREAT DENTAL PLAN.

THAT GENETIC MARVEL IS X12,

AND HE'S POSTED HUNDREDS OF VIDEOS, DOCUMENTING

THAT HE IS THE WORLD'S FIRST REAL SUPERHERO.

HE WEARS THAT VEST AS A SYMBOL OF JUSTICE

OR MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S SHINY.

THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT SUPERHEROES FOR SURE

IS THAT SETH ROGEN AND VAN WILDER

SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PLAY ONE.

BEING A HERO MEANS YOU HAVE TO CATCH CRIMINALS

AND DRESS LIKE A FIGURE SKATER.

YOU COULDN'T SAVE MANKIND IN A SENSIBLE PAIR OF CARGO PANTS?

AND EVERY SUPERHERO HAS THE SAME SECRET HIDEOUT.

IT'S CALLED "THE CLOSET."

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SUPERHEROES ALL HAVE DAY JOBS.

I CAN BARELY STAY AWAKE

THROUGH THREE EPISODES OF THE BRONSON PINCHOT PROJECT,

SO THERE'S NO WAY I'M STOPPING A MURDER AFTER I GET OFF WORK.

WANT TO KNOW WHY WHY THERE ARE NO BLACK SUPERHEROES?

BECAUSE THEY ALL GOT SCOOPED UP BY THE NBA AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

WONDER WOMAN HAS THE ABILITY TO MAKE PEOPLE TELL THE TRUTH.

ONLY A WOMAN WOULD CONSIDER HONESTY A SUPER POWER.

AND IF SUPERMAN CAN GO BACK IN TIME

BY REVERSING THE POLARITY OF THE EARTH,

THEN WHY DOESN'T HE GO BACK AND STOP THE HOLOCAUST?

WHAT A SUPER JERK.

THE REAL SUPERHEROES ARE THE POLICE, FIREMEN, AND SOLDIERS

WHO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND OUR FREEDOM.

[applause] I'M KIDDING.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME,

EXCEPT THEY COULDN'T GET INTO A FOUR YEAR COLLEGE.

X12 SEEMS LIKE A VERY SPECIAL CASE.

THAT'S WHY I INTENTIONALLY JUMPED OFF A BUILDING,

SO HE WOULD HAVE TO FLY HERE AND SAVE ME

FOR THIS WEEK'S "CEWEBRITY" PROFILE.

[applause]

[dramatic music]

I HAVE BEEN ON THESE WILD GOOSE CHASES BEFORE.

EVERYBODY CLAIMS SUPERHUMAN ABILITIES,

BUT IT NEVER PANS OUT.

- YES, BUT FOR SOME CRAZY REASON,

I HAVE A FEELING ABOUT THIS ONE.

- YEAH, JERRY. YOUR FEELING IS GONNA GET ME KILLED.

INVISIBILITY. BRAVO.

- HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR.

- GOOD ONE, X12.

HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE NAME X12?

- I'M AN EXPERIMENTAL SUPERHUMAN.

I WAS DEVELOPED IN DECEMBER, THE 12TH MONTH OF THE YEAR.

- THAT MAKES SENSE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK GAVE YOU THIS SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH?

- FOODS, SUPPLEMENTS, AND MY TRAINING.

- OKAY, TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR DIET.

- MY DIET IS TUNA FISH, CHILI, CORN BEEF HASH,

PINTO BEANS, OKRA, SPINACH,

ORANGE JUICE, MUSCLE MILK, AND SUBWAY FOOD.

- ALL SENSIBLE.

OF ALL YOUR TALENTS, WHICH IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE?

- MY FAST WALK.

- I'M GONNA BE HONEST,

WHEN I WATCHED THAT VIDEO OF THE FAST WALK, I LAUGHED.

WHY WERE THE CONES SET UP SO CLOSE TOGETHER?

- 'CAUSE IT TELLS YOU MY PEAK DYNAMIC SPEED.

MY PEAK DYNAMIC SPEED IS AROUND 20 MILES AN HOUR.

MY OVERALL SPEED IS 11 MILES PER HOUR.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT, X12,

BUT IT SOUNDS AMAZING.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WEAKNESSES THAT YOU KNOW OF?

- FLYING.

- YOU DON'T LIKE TO FLY OR YOU CAN'T FLY?

- I DON'T LIKE TO FLY. - OKAY.

I WAS ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND

IF WE HAD SOMEBODY THAT COULD FLY,

BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.

- I'VE BEEN BEHIND THE CONTROL OF AN AIRPLANE BEFORE

AND I'VE FLOWN ONE WHILE IT WAS IN FLIGHT.

- I'M SO GLAD I WASN'T ON THAT FLIGHT.

- [laughs]

- WHERE IS YOUR SECRET LAIR?

- HOUSTON, TEXAS.

- THAT'S NO LONGER A SECRET NOW.

DO YOU GET A LOT OF RAIN IN HOUSTON?

- YES, THE STREETS FLOOD, AND I PUSH THE CARS OUT OF THE--

- YOU PUSH CARS WITH YOUR HANDS OUT OF FLOODED WATERS?

- I TELL THE DRIVER, "GET IN THE CAR,

"OPERATE THE STEERING WHEEL AND THE BRAKE,

AND I'LL PUSH YOUR CAR."

- AND YET, YOU WERE COMPLETELY UNDERWATER?

- NO.

- THAT'D HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF YOU WERE.

DID YOU PUSH IT DEEPER? - I PUSHED IT UP AN UP-RAMP.

- YOU WENT UP A HILL?

- THE CAR WEIGHED ABOUT 3,200 POUNDS.

- THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

I WAS EXPECTING YOU TO SAY A NUMBER THAT WASN'T RIGHT.

THAT WAS RIGHT. THAT'S A BIG-SIZED CAR, THOUGH.

- ABOUT THE SIZE OF A NISSAN ALTIMA.

- MM-MM, NO. NOW YOU WENT WRONG.

I THINK A NISSAN ALTIMA IS GONNA BE LIGHTER.

SO WE'RE GONNA SAY 2,000 POUNDS OUT OF WATER.

IS THAT FAIR? OR DO YOU WANT TO STICK TO 3,200?

- 3,200. A NISSAN ALTIMA WEIGHS 3,200 POUNDS.

- I'M GONNA LOOK THAT UP. I'M GONNA HAVE MY TEAM--

I'M GONNA HAVE MY RESEARCHERS LOOK THAT UP,

AND I'M GONNA HAVE MY ASSISTANT--MY ASSISTANT--

HOW MUCH DOES A NISSAN ALTIMA WEIGH? GOOGLE IT!

I'LL HAVE HIM GOOGLE IT. - ON WIKIPEDIA.

- WIKI--SCRAP THE GOOGLE! WIKIPEDIA!

WHAT FAMOUS BAD GUY WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO FIGHT?

- THE TERRORISTS.

- DO YOU FEEL, AS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER,

THAT YOUR STRENGTHS ARE DIMINISHING?

- IT'S NOT.

- SO, WHAT YOU'RE IMPLYING IS THAT YOU'RE REVERSING AGING.

- I'M REVERSE AGING.

- WILL YOU EVENTUALLY TURN BACK INTO A BABY?

- NO. [laughs]

- THEN THAT WOULD TURN MORE INTO A BIB,

WHICH WOULD BE APPROPRIATE AT THE END.

- THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO BABYSIT ME.

- I'LL BABYSIT YOU, X12.

I'M GONNA SAY A WORD, X-12, AND I WANT YOU TO SAY

THE FIRST THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR MIND.

CAR. - GET OUT OF THE WAY.

- PEACHES. - SWEETNESS.

- HONEYMOON. - HOTEL SUITE.

- JACK FROST. - FROSTBITE.

- HMM. THAT ONE WE CAN'T COUNT.

YOU USED THE WORD "FROST" IN IT. SORRY.

OKAY, THERE'S NO DENYING YOUR SUPERHUMAN MIND.

THESE READINGS ARE OFF THE CHARTS.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO TEST YOUR BODY, X12.

- LET'S DO IT. - FIRST THINGS FIRST.

CAN YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS JAR OF PICKLES?

- [grunts]

- OKAY, THAT DOESN'T TELL US ANYTHING EXCEPT,

I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THAT LID FOR TWO WEEKS,

AND I APPRECIATE IT.

- EAT THIS.

THAT SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM.

- BUT IT DIDN'T, SO THAT IS INTERESTING.

HOW IS HE DOING?

- HE HAS BEEN RUNNING NONSTOP FOR FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS.

- AT WHAT SPEED? - HE'S STILL SPEEDING UP.

- MAGNIFICENT.

LET'S SEE HOW FAST YOU CAN DRINK THIS SLURPEE.

- THAT IS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF BRAIN FREEZE

ANY MAN HAS EVER GOTTEN!

[dramatic music]

*

- DOES IT HURT?

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IF YOU CAN SHATTER THIS GLASS

ONLY USING YOUR VOICE.

- [screams]

- JERRY, QUIT SENDING DICK PICS TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

- OH, UH, THIS IS A PICTURE FOR MY PHYSICIAN.

- HAND HIM THE STRENGTH-O-METER.

[bell dings] AMAZING!

GIVE HIM HIS PRIZE.

[clangs]

YOUR NEW SUIT LOOKS GREAT.

DON'T PUT THAT THING ON. FINE.

THIS CERTIFICATE HERE STATES THAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

ACKNOWLEDGES YOUR SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH.

WE EVEN PUT A GOLD STAR ON THERE BECAUSE YOU DID SO WELL.

I WANT YOU TO HEAD ON BACK TO HOUSTON,

AND WE'LL BE SENDING YOU SOME MISSIONS IN THE MAIL.

NOT THAT DOOR.

[dramatic music]

*

I WISH YOU HADN'T SEEN THAT.

[gunshot]

[crash]

[laughter]

I DON'T THINK THE WORLD'S READY FOR X12.

- I DON'T THINK X12 CAN TIE HIS OWN [bleep] SHOES.

[laughter]

[applause]

[laughter]

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I SLEEP A LITTLE BETTER AT NIGHT,

KNOWING X12 HAS MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,

WHO KNEW STRASBURG WAS SUCH A PROGRESSIVE COMMUNITY?

- DRIVERS CAN NOW FINALLY TRAVEL ON ROUTE 209

WITHOUT TAKING A TWO-MILE DETOUR.

FOR SOME DRIVERS, IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE.

- WELL, IT MAKES IT BETTER FOR GOING TO STRASBURG.

IT MAKES IT BETTER

WHEN I GO DOWN FISHING IN THE DELAWARE RIVER.

OR IF I GO HUNTING DOWN IN THE DELAWARE RIVER,

IT MAKES IT VERY MUCH EASIER TO GET THERE.

[applause]

[audience ohs]

- [bleep]! THAT HURT.

- IT'S OKAY.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST AS EMBARRASSING IF HE'D LANDED IT.

EVER SINCE THAT DRUG ABUSING CANCER PATIENT BLEW THE WHISTLE,

CYCLING HAS BECOME A NATIONAL JOKE.

PERSONALLY, I THINK

ANYONE WHO USES A TWO-WHEELED BIKE IS A CHEATER.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO FINALLY GIVE UNICYCLING

THE RESPECT IT DESERVES

WITH THE PRESTIGIOUS LE TOUR DE CUL-DE-SAC.0.

[electronic beep]

[starter pistol fires]

[calliope music]

**

- AHH-HH-HH-HH-HH-HH...

*

[audience ohs]

**

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs]

I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY APOLOGIZE FOR CHEATING

TO THE USDA, WHO HANDLES CYCLING

AND ALL GROUND BEEF RELATED ISSUES.

I WAS GONNA CONFESS ON OPRAH,

BUT I KNEW MORE PEOPLE WOULD SEE IT ON MY SHOW.

SURE, I USE AN ELECTRIC UNICYCLE

WITH A SELF-BALANCING GYROSCOPE,

BUT EVERYBODY WAS CHEATING.

HELL, CARLY TOOK OFF HER SEAT

JUST SO SHE COULD ORGASM HER WAY INTO SECOND PLACE.

GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP

FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.

- I JUST THINK IT'S TIME

THAT WE TAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL,

SO, ALEXA, WILL YOU--

[laughter]

DON'T MAKE ME. THIS IS--THIS IS HARD.

- I KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS, THOUGH.

- OKAY. WILL YOU HELP ME OUT, THEN?

- OKAY, YEAH.

- ALEXA... - ALEXA...

- WILL YOU MARRY ME? - WILL YOU HAVE BUTT SEX...

WITH ME?

- WHAT? - WHAT?

- THIS IS ABOUT ANAL? - YEAH.

- YOU LIT CANDLES!

- YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOSEN YOU UP.

- LOOS--LOOSEN ME UP? - TO THE IDEA.

I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY INTO THIS.

I MEAN, SHOULD I EVEN READ THE POEM?

- THE ANSWER IS NO. - TO THE POEM?

- TO EVERYTHING.

- I THINK THIS CAN BENEFIT THE BOTH OF US.

THESE ARE BUTT BUCKS, OKAY?

YOU CAN CASH THEM IN AND GET ME TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.

WHATEVER YOU WAN--

- YOU'RE USING MY ASS AS CURRENCY.

- WELL, IT'S MORE OF A REWARDS-BASED SYSTEM.

- I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. - I DO LOVE YOU, OKAY?

THIS IS A SPECIAL MOMENT THAT WE CAN SHARE TOGETHER

FOR, LIKE, 70 BUTT BUCKS.

- THE PROBLEM WITH BUTT BUCKS IS,

THEY'RE EASY TO COUNTERFEIT.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN BURNED MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO ADMIT.

I NEED TO GET ONE OF THOSE BUTT BUCK MARKERS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JOCKS.

[applause]

[applause]

- WELCOME BACK.

HERE'S A QUICK SCARF TIP FOR YOU.

IF YOU'RE GONNA WEAR IT UNDER A JACKET,

I SUGGEST YOU WRAP IT LIKE THIS.

CASHMERE.

NEXT WEEK I'LL BE DOING A SPOILER ALERT

OF ALL THE MOVIES THAT ARE NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR,

SO IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON WATCHING THEM, DON'T BOTHER.

NOW, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, GO TO OUR BLOG,

AND COME SEE ME ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR

WITH SPECIAL GUEST JERROD CARMICHAEL.

I'M SORRY, THAT IS ACTUALLY MR. COOPER.

I PROMISE WE WILL GET THIS SLIGHTLY RACIST MESS

STRAIGHTENED OUT EVENTUALLY.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR

WHERE YOU'RE EITHER DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE

OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A RELATIONSHIP.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

TO MAKE IT EXTRA SPECIAL, I GAVE MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS

THE CHANCE TO PROCLAIM THEIR LOVE ON TV,

AS LONG AS THEY INCLUDED ONE THING THEY WANTED CHANGED

ABOUT THEIR SWEETHEART,

IN A SEGMENT CALLED, "BE MINE AND BE BETTER."

[laughter]

YOU DON'T GOSSIP WHILE YOUR MAN IS DRIVING A VEHICLE.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO-- YOU SIT THERE QUIETLY,

AND ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE YOU REACH YOUR DESTINATION,

YOU SAY, "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ROAD HEAD?"

- SWEDISH FISH GOT ONE THING RIGHT--NO YELLOW, NO GREEN.

I WOULDN'T MIND AN ORANGE. CHA CHA CHA.

RACHEL, TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS. IT'S [bleep] GROSS.

WHY IS "GRAVY" CAPITALIZED? IS THAT HOW BAD HER GRAVY IS?

AMY HAS NO IDEA. SHE'S MAKING A SUB-PAR GRAVY.

THIS GUY'S NOT ASKING FOR AN EXCELLENT GRAVY.

"I WANT THE BEST GRAVY!"

HE WANTS A DECENT GRAVY SO HE CAN CHOKE DOWN

THAT DOG FOOD YOU CALL DINNER.

BYE-BYE, SHAQUEFFA. WHITE GIRL NEVER STOOD A CHANCE.

SEE YOU ON THE POST-SHOW. GOOD NIGHT.

[applause]

- WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT X12 BECAME SO POPULAR?

- YES.

- WERE YOU SHOCKED THAT WE CALLED YOU?

- I NEVER HEARD OF YOUR SHOW. - WHAT?

X12, IF YOU WEREN'T SUPERHUMAN,

I WOULD REACH ACROSS THIS TABLE.