1 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,600 [orchestral music] 2 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:28,170 * 3 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,600 [audience ohs] 4 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,600 [laughter] 5 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,670 * 6 00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:47,567 [cheers and applause] 7 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:52,770 - COME ON. 8 00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:54,827 YOU'VE NEVER WANTED TO SEE A GIRL'S FACE 9 00:00:54,833 --> 00:00:59,133 GET PUNTED IN SLOW-MO... ON ACCIDENT? 10 00:00:59,133 --> 00:01:00,703 WELCOME TO TOSH.0. 11 00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:03,070 NO, MY NECK IS NOT GOING TO A FANCY GALA. 12 00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:07,067 IT'S JUST DRAPED IN LUXURIOUS CASHMERE. 13 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,297 AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING 14 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,930 WHAT SKYLINE IS BEHIND ME THIS EVENING, IT'S ROME. 15 00:01:10,933 --> 00:01:14,373 TONIGHT IN THE SHOW, IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE. 16 00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:16,427 NOPE, IT'S JUST THIS GUY. 17 00:01:16,433 --> 00:01:18,433 I RESTORE SOME MUCH NEEDED INTEGRITY 18 00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:19,673 TO THE SPORT OF CYCLING 19 00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:23,397 AND WE FOCUS ON AREAS YOUR VALENTINE COULD IMPROVE. 20 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,870 NOW TAKE ME BACK TO THE OLD 21 00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:28,067 PRETEND-TO-KICK-A-LIGHT-FIXTURE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TRICK. 22 00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,467 - 3, 2, 1. 23 00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:31,067 - GO! 24 00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,767 [audience ohs] 25 00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:36,967 - THE FACE IS THE WORST PART OF THE BODY TO BLOCK A KICK WITH. 26 00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:39,767 THAT LIGHT BULB OWES HER ITS LIFE NOW. 27 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:43,467 [slow-mo sound effects] 28 00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:46,967 - YET ANOTHER GREAT REASON FOR VAULTED CEILINGS. 29 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:48,297 I'M GLAD HE DIDN'T KICK THE LIGHT OUT... 30 00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:50,430 SO I COULD SEE THERE'S ANOTHER CHICK IN THE BED. 31 00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:53,103 WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OVER THERE? 32 00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,870 CLOSE YOUR DRAWERS, LADIES. OH, THAT ANNOYS ME! 33 00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:58,397 [laughter] 34 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,100 THIS NEXT VIDEO MAKES ME WONDER WWSMS-- 35 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,330 WHAT WOULD SAL MASEKELA SAY? 36 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:07,103 - OH, MY GOD, OH! OH, MY! 37 00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:08,870 - LOOKIN' SEXY! 38 00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:11,827 I SEE THE X GAMES HAVE BEEN READING MY LETTERS. 39 00:02:11,833 --> 00:02:14,573 - OH, MY GOD! HE'S--OH! 40 00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,827 [audience ohs] 41 00:02:16,833 --> 00:02:20,733 - AT LEAST A SNOWMOBILE DIDN'T LAND ON HIM? 42 00:02:20,733 --> 00:02:23,533 I WONDER WHERE HE HANGS HIS LIFT TICKET. 43 00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:25,373 THAT'S OKAY. I WAS THERE THAT DAY. 44 00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:28,597 THEY HAD THREE INCHES OF POWDER. THAT ICE IS SOFT. 45 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,700 YOU THINK THAT OUTFIT WAS INAPPROPRIATE. 46 00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,500 YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I SURF IN. 47 00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:34,400 [laughter] 48 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,127 BY THE WAY, THAT WAS REALLY DANGEROUS. 49 00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,303 I ALMOST DROWNED. 50 00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,670 NOTHING WORSE THAN WET CASHMERE. 51 00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:48,067 YEAH, I WAS WEARING IT AS A BASE LAYER. 52 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:50,597 NOW, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HUGGED A ASIAN? 53 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:55,900 [men singing] 54 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,230 SEE, BY THE TIME CHINA FINISHES SEWING OUR CLOTHES, 55 00:02:58,233 --> 00:03:00,973 THEY'RE TOO TIRED TO MAKE THEIR OWN. 56 00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:02,867 NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE "CROCK" 57 00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:05,427 AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE. 58 00:03:05,433 --> 00:03:08,473 AND THAT'S HOW AN iPAD MINI IS BORN. 59 00:03:08,467 --> 00:03:12,497 BIG DEAL. DUKE'S BASKETBALL TEAM DOES THIS AFTER EVERY PLAY. 60 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:14,100 THEY'RE TRYING TO WIN $106 61 00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,200 ON CHANG AND CHANG IN THE MORNING. 62 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,600 DANCES AT NINJA SCHOOLS 63 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,430 ARE TOTAL VIENNA SAUSAGE PARTIES. 64 00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:22,973 VIENNA. 65 00:03:22,967 --> 00:03:24,197 [laughter] 66 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,270 MAYBE HAVING A FEW DAUGHTERS IN THAT COUNTRY 67 00:03:26,267 --> 00:03:27,927 WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BAD IDEA. 68 00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:28,973 [time expired gong sound effect] 69 00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:32,227 OH, TOO BAD! I HAD 1.3 BILLION MORE. 70 00:03:32,233 --> 00:03:35,273 ALL RIGHT, LADIES HERE'S THE DOWN SIDE TO DATING A DOCTOR. 71 00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:38,167 [laughter] 72 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,230 I HAVE FOUR QUESTIONS. 73 00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:48,573 SHE SEEMS POPULAR. HOW COME NOBODY'S SIGNED HER CAST? 74 00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:51,797 HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN WEARING THOSE JEAN SHORTS? 75 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,070 DOES HER HMO COVER SLUTTY ACCIDENTS? 76 00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:58,267 HAS SHE BEEN BANGED IN THAT GAMING CHAIR? 77 00:03:58,267 --> 00:04:00,497 THAT LAST ONE'S RHETORICAL. 78 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,430 ALL RIGHT, GET PLENTY OF REST. 79 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:05,103 WE'LL HAVE YOU BACK ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES IN NO TIME. 80 00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,630 I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT RECENTLY, 81 00:04:06,633 --> 00:04:09,073 AND I WENT WITH A PINK CAST BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY, 82 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,597 BUT EVERYBODY JUST TEASED ME, SAID I LOOKED GAY. 83 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,800 [moans] 84 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:19,200 THE WEIRD PART ABOUT THAT CAST IS I JUST HAD AN ANKLE SPRAIN. 85 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,270 I'M NOT SURE THESE NEXT GIRLS ARE FOLLOWING THE RECIPE. 86 00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,797 [beaters whirring] 87 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,600 - [laughs] 88 00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:32,233 [screams] 89 00:04:32,233 --> 00:04:34,533 [laughter] 90 00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:36,973 - LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HAVING HAIR PIE. 91 00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:39,467 WHO WANTS TO LICK THE BEATERS? 92 00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:40,597 [beaters whirring] 93 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,400 - [screams] 94 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,400 - ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, FEMINISTS? 95 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,370 YOU GOT YOUNG GIRLS ALL CONFUSED IN THE KITCHEN. 96 00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:50,097 [laughter] 97 00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:53,900 PRETTY SURE MILEY CYRUS' BARBER USES A FOOD PROCESSOR. 98 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:55,370 WHAT'S NEXT? 99 00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:58,367 [funky music] 100 00:04:58,367 --> 00:05:00,727 ** 101 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,433 - * CAN YOU QUACK? 102 00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:05,803 * CAN YOU QUACK LIKE A DUCK WHEN YOU SUCK? * 103 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,870 - GREAT. NOW I'VE GOT TO CHANGE MY RINGTONE. 104 00:05:08,867 --> 00:05:10,367 LET'S HEAD DOWN TO AUSTIN, TEXAS, 105 00:05:10,367 --> 00:05:12,067 THE LIVE MUSIC CAPITAL OF THE WORLD, 106 00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:13,067 IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 107 00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,597 [cheers and applause] 108 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,070 AW, THE SOUTH BY SOUTHEAST FESTIVAL 109 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,397 IS STILL WORKING OUT THE KINKS. 110 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,070 [laughter] 111 00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,267 LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT-- 112 00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:24,227 IT'S NOT COOL TO BURN THE FLAG, BUT YOU'RE OKAY 113 00:05:24,233 --> 00:05:27,633 WITH LETTING PERVERT JESUS COVER IT IN BALL SWEAT? 114 00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:40,197 I CAN'T BELIEVE PITCHFORK ONLY GAVE THIS A 7.2. 115 00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:58,267 HE IS ASKING ALL THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. 116 00:05:58,267 --> 00:06:00,967 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS KNEW ALL THE WORDS. 117 00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:02,627 IF I EVER GET MARRIED, 118 00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:05,073 "CAN YOU [bleep] ON MY CHEST FOR GOOD LUCK" 119 00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:08,897 WILL BE ENGRAVED INSIDE OUR WEDDING BANDS. 120 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:11,370 - * CAN YOU QUACK? 121 00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,867 * CAN YOU QUACK LIKE A DUCK WHEN YOU SUCK? * 122 00:06:13,867 --> 00:06:17,897 - THIS HAPPENS TO LADY GAGA ALL THE TIME. 123 00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,400 HEY, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU MAKE A REQUEST. 124 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,500 YOU PULL THAT CRAP AT THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER, 125 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:23,630 THEY'LL KICK YOU OUT. 126 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,503 [laughter] 127 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:27,600 AS LONG AS YOU MAKE A SARCASTIC FACE, 128 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:32,070 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH GIVING ANOTHER DUDE A HAND JOB. 129 00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:33,497 I HAVE A SNEAKING SUSPICION 130 00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:36,130 THIS GUY'S GETTING PAID IN HEROIN. 131 00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:37,903 OH, I JUST HOPE THE CHOREOGRAPHY IS BETTER 132 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,870 WHEN THEY DO THIS SONG ON GLEE. 133 00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,197 UH, ATTENTION, 134 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,900 THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF GOOD SEATS AVAILABLE IN FRONT. 135 00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:45,730 DON'T BE AFRAID TO MOVE UP. 136 00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:49,533 MIGHT WANT TO SPRINKLE SOME SCOTT'S TURFMASTER ON YOUR LAWN. 137 00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:51,873 OR STOP BURNING CROSSES. 138 00:06:51,867 --> 00:06:53,197 IT COULD BE WORSE. 139 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,430 THEY COULD BE IN RYAN SEACREST'S BACKYARD, 140 00:06:54,433 --> 00:06:57,073 LISTENING TO OWL CITY, AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU. 141 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:59,427 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MY NEW FAVORITE SUPERHERO. 142 00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:03,073 BUT FIRST, OFFICER DOWN. ALL UNITS COME MAKE FUN OF HIM. 143 00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:06,097 [sirens] 144 00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,930 [audience ohs] 145 00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,533 [applause] 146 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,167 - I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW FAST 147 00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:21,527 I CAN CRANK THIS STATIONARY BICYCLE 148 00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:24,433 AT THE LOWEST RESISTANCE SETTING. 149 00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,800 [laughter] 150 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,370 WHOO! 151 00:07:32,367 --> 00:07:39,227 I AM THE FIRST HUMAN EVER TO RUN OVER 30 MILES PER HOUR. 152 00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:40,703 WHOO! 153 00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,170 [grunts] 154 00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:44,197 WHOO-HOO! 155 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,870 WOW! THAT'S SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH. 156 00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,427 THAT'S THE X12. 157 00:07:50,433 --> 00:07:53,773 - I GUESS GREAT POWER DOES NOT COME WITH A GREAT DENTAL PLAN. 158 00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:55,927 THAT GENETIC MARVEL IS X12, 159 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:58,073 AND HE'S POSTED HUNDREDS OF VIDEOS, DOCUMENTING 160 00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,867 THAT HE IS THE WORLD'S FIRST REAL SUPERHERO. 161 00:08:00,867 --> 00:08:03,067 HE WEARS THAT VEST AS A SYMBOL OF JUSTICE 162 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,267 OR MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S SHINY. 163 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,697 THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT SUPERHEROES FOR SURE 164 00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:09,430 IS THAT SETH ROGEN AND VAN WILDER 165 00:08:09,433 --> 00:08:11,373 SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PLAY ONE. 166 00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:13,627 BEING A HERO MEANS YOU HAVE TO CATCH CRIMINALS 167 00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:15,773 AND DRESS LIKE A FIGURE SKATER. 168 00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:18,567 YOU COULDN'T SAVE MANKIND IN A SENSIBLE PAIR OF CARGO PANTS? 169 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,267 AND EVERY SUPERHERO HAS THE SAME SECRET HIDEOUT. 170 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,827 IT'S CALLED "THE CLOSET." 171 00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:25,273 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SUPERHEROES ALL HAVE DAY JOBS. 172 00:08:25,267 --> 00:08:26,427 I CAN BARELY STAY AWAKE 173 00:08:26,433 --> 00:08:28,773 THROUGH THREE EPISODES OF THE BRONSON PINCHOT PROJECT, 174 00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:32,427 SO THERE'S NO WAY I'M STOPPING A MURDER AFTER I GET OFF WORK. 175 00:08:32,433 --> 00:08:34,373 WANT TO KNOW WHY WHY THERE ARE NO BLACK SUPERHEROES? 176 00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:37,767 BECAUSE THEY ALL GOT SCOOPED UP BY THE NBA AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. 177 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,767 WONDER WOMAN HAS THE ABILITY TO MAKE PEOPLE TELL THE TRUTH. 178 00:08:40,767 --> 00:08:44,497 ONLY A WOMAN WOULD CONSIDER HONESTY A SUPER POWER. 179 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,730 AND IF SUPERMAN CAN GO BACK IN TIME 180 00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:48,603 BY REVERSING THE POLARITY OF THE EARTH, 181 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,330 THEN WHY DOESN'T HE GO BACK AND STOP THE HOLOCAUST? 182 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:53,233 WHAT A SUPER JERK. 183 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:56,603 THE REAL SUPERHEROES ARE THE POLICE, FIREMEN, AND SOLDIERS 184 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,430 WHO PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND OUR FREEDOM. 185 00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:01,533 [applause] I'M KIDDING. 186 00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,173 THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME, 187 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:05,397 EXCEPT THEY COULDN'T GET INTO A FOUR YEAR COLLEGE. 188 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,230 X12 SEEMS LIKE A VERY SPECIAL CASE. 189 00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:10,333 THAT'S WHY I INTENTIONALLY JUMPED OFF A BUILDING, 190 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,173 SO HE WOULD HAVE TO FLY HERE AND SAVE ME 191 00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:14,067 FOR THIS WEEK'S "CEWEBRITY" PROFILE. 192 00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,427 [applause] 193 00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,973 [dramatic music] 194 00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:22,327 I HAVE BEEN ON THESE WILD GOOSE CHASES BEFORE. 195 00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:24,433 EVERYBODY CLAIMS SUPERHUMAN ABILITIES, 196 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,803 BUT IT NEVER PANS OUT. 197 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,670 - YES, BUT FOR SOME CRAZY REASON, 198 00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:30,097 I HAVE A FEELING ABOUT THIS ONE. 199 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:33,800 - YEAH, JERRY. YOUR FEELING IS GONNA GET ME KILLED. 200 00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:39,833 INVISIBILITY. BRAVO. 201 00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:41,733 - HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR. 202 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,767 - GOOD ONE, X12. 203 00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:47,527 HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE NAME X12? 204 00:09:47,533 --> 00:09:49,833 - I'M AN EXPERIMENTAL SUPERHUMAN. 205 00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:54,403 I WAS DEVELOPED IN DECEMBER, THE 12TH MONTH OF THE YEAR. 206 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,930 - THAT MAKES SENSE. 207 00:09:55,933 --> 00:09:58,903 WHAT DO YOU THINK GAVE YOU THIS SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH? 208 00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:01,930 - FOODS, SUPPLEMENTS, AND MY TRAINING. 209 00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:03,673 - OKAY, TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR DIET. 210 00:10:03,667 --> 00:10:08,567 - MY DIET IS TUNA FISH, CHILI, CORN BEEF HASH, 211 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:11,367 PINTO BEANS, OKRA, SPINACH, 212 00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:14,327 ORANGE JUICE, MUSCLE MILK, AND SUBWAY FOOD. 213 00:10:14,333 --> 00:10:15,933 - ALL SENSIBLE. 214 00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:18,903 OF ALL YOUR TALENTS, WHICH IS THE MOST IMPRESSIVE? 215 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:19,970 - MY FAST WALK. 216 00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,327 - I'M GONNA BE HONEST, 217 00:10:21,333 --> 00:10:23,273 WHEN I WATCHED THAT VIDEO OF THE FAST WALK, I LAUGHED. 218 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:28,603 WHY WERE THE CONES SET UP SO CLOSE TOGETHER? 219 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,900 - 'CAUSE IT TELLS YOU MY PEAK DYNAMIC SPEED. 220 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:33,770 MY PEAK DYNAMIC SPEED IS AROUND 20 MILES AN HOUR. 221 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,097 MY OVERALL SPEED IS 11 MILES PER HOUR. 222 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,670 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT, X12, 223 00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,267 BUT IT SOUNDS AMAZING. 224 00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,497 DO YOU HAVE ANY WEAKNESSES THAT YOU KNOW OF? 225 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,970 - FLYING. 226 00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:46,067 - YOU DON'T LIKE TO FLY OR YOU CAN'T FLY? 227 00:10:46,067 --> 00:10:48,197 - I DON'T LIKE TO FLY. - OKAY. 228 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,770 I WAS ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND 229 00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:52,827 IF WE HAD SOMEBODY THAT COULD FLY, 230 00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:54,503 BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. 231 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:57,130 - I'VE BEEN BEHIND THE CONTROL OF AN AIRPLANE BEFORE 232 00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:59,003 AND I'VE FLOWN ONE WHILE IT WAS IN FLIGHT. 233 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,870 - I'M SO GLAD I WASN'T ON THAT FLIGHT. 234 00:11:01,867 --> 00:11:04,927 - [laughs] 235 00:11:04,933 --> 00:11:06,503 - WHERE IS YOUR SECRET LAIR? 236 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,600 - HOUSTON, TEXAS. 237 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,570 - THAT'S NO LONGER A SECRET NOW. 238 00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:12,067 DO YOU GET A LOT OF RAIN IN HOUSTON? 239 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:15,627 - YES, THE STREETS FLOOD, AND I PUSH THE CARS OUT OF THE-- 240 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:20,573 - YOU PUSH CARS WITH YOUR HANDS OUT OF FLOODED WATERS? 241 00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:22,427 - I TELL THE DRIVER, "GET IN THE CAR, 242 00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:24,773 "OPERATE THE STEERING WHEEL AND THE BRAKE, 243 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,827 AND I'LL PUSH YOUR CAR." 244 00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:27,533 - AND YET, YOU WERE COMPLETELY UNDERWATER? 245 00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:29,073 - NO. 246 00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,827 - THAT'D HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF YOU WERE. 247 00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:33,573 DID YOU PUSH IT DEEPER? - I PUSHED IT UP AN UP-RAMP. 248 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,097 - YOU WENT UP A HILL? 249 00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,270 - THE CAR WEIGHED ABOUT 3,200 POUNDS. 250 00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,827 - THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. 251 00:11:38,833 --> 00:11:40,803 I WAS EXPECTING YOU TO SAY A NUMBER THAT WASN'T RIGHT. 252 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,830 THAT WAS RIGHT. THAT'S A BIG-SIZED CAR, THOUGH. 253 00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:45,073 - ABOUT THE SIZE OF A NISSAN ALTIMA. 254 00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,167 - MM-MM, NO. NOW YOU WENT WRONG. 255 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:48,897 I THINK A NISSAN ALTIMA IS GONNA BE LIGHTER. 256 00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:50,600 SO WE'RE GONNA SAY 2,000 POUNDS OUT OF WATER. 257 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,670 IS THAT FAIR? OR DO YOU WANT TO STICK TO 3,200? 258 00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:55,867 - 3,200. A NISSAN ALTIMA WEIGHS 3,200 POUNDS. 259 00:11:55,867 --> 00:11:57,097 - I'M GONNA LOOK THAT UP. I'M GONNA HAVE MY TEAM-- 260 00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,530 I'M GONNA HAVE MY RESEARCHERS LOOK THAT UP, 261 00:11:58,533 --> 00:11:59,873 AND I'M GONNA HAVE MY ASSISTANT--MY ASSISTANT-- 262 00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:03,397 HOW MUCH DOES A NISSAN ALTIMA WEIGH? GOOGLE IT! 263 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,500 I'LL HAVE HIM GOOGLE IT. - ON WIKIPEDIA. 264 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,930 - WIKI--SCRAP THE GOOGLE! WIKIPEDIA! 265 00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:12,303 WHAT FAMOUS BAD GUY WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO FIGHT? 266 00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,300 - THE TERRORISTS. 267 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,970 - DO YOU FEEL, AS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER, 268 00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:19,397 THAT YOUR STRENGTHS ARE DIMINISHING? 269 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,870 - IT'S NOT. 270 00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:23,097 - SO, WHAT YOU'RE IMPLYING IS THAT YOU'RE REVERSING AGING. 271 00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,100 - I'M REVERSE AGING. 272 00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:26,730 - WILL YOU EVENTUALLY TURN BACK INTO A BABY? 273 00:12:26,733 --> 00:12:28,433 - NO. [laughs] 274 00:12:28,433 --> 00:12:30,473 - THEN THAT WOULD TURN MORE INTO A BIB, 275 00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,067 WHICH WOULD BE APPROPRIATE AT THE END. 276 00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,967 - THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO BABYSIT ME. 277 00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:36,427 - I'LL BABYSIT YOU, X12. 278 00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:39,273 I'M GONNA SAY A WORD, X-12, AND I WANT YOU TO SAY 279 00:12:39,267 --> 00:12:41,097 THE FIRST THING THAT POPS INTO YOUR MIND. 280 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,700 CAR. - GET OUT OF THE WAY. 281 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,970 - PEACHES. - SWEETNESS. 282 00:12:45,967 --> 00:12:48,567 - HONEYMOON. - HOTEL SUITE. 283 00:12:48,567 --> 00:12:50,767 - JACK FROST. - FROSTBITE. 284 00:12:50,767 --> 00:12:53,067 - HMM. THAT ONE WE CAN'T COUNT. 285 00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:56,967 YOU USED THE WORD "FROST" IN IT. SORRY. 286 00:12:56,967 --> 00:12:58,697 OKAY, THERE'S NO DENYING YOUR SUPERHUMAN MIND. 287 00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,730 THESE READINGS ARE OFF THE CHARTS. 288 00:13:00,733 --> 00:13:03,233 BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO TEST YOUR BODY, X12. 289 00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:06,073 - LET'S DO IT. - FIRST THINGS FIRST. 290 00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:09,527 CAN YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS JAR OF PICKLES? 291 00:13:09,533 --> 00:13:12,373 - [grunts] 292 00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:15,067 - OKAY, THAT DOESN'T TELL US ANYTHING EXCEPT, 293 00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:17,627 I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THAT LID FOR TWO WEEKS, 294 00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:20,073 AND I APPRECIATE IT. 295 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:23,767 - EAT THIS. 296 00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:25,197 THAT SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM. 297 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,800 - BUT IT DIDN'T, SO THAT IS INTERESTING. 298 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,430 HOW IS HE DOING? 299 00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,473 - HE HAS BEEN RUNNING NONSTOP FOR FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS. 300 00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:33,597 - AT WHAT SPEED? - HE'S STILL SPEEDING UP. 301 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,300 - MAGNIFICENT. 302 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:38,630 LET'S SEE HOW FAST YOU CAN DRINK THIS SLURPEE. 303 00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:46,127 - THAT IS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF BRAIN FREEZE 304 00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:49,473 ANY MAN HAS EVER GOTTEN! 305 00:13:49,467 --> 00:13:52,467 [dramatic music] 306 00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:56,227 * 307 00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:59,173 - DOES IT HURT? 308 00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:02,367 I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IF YOU CAN SHATTER THIS GLASS 309 00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:04,697 ONLY USING YOUR VOICE. 310 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:07,400 - [screams] 311 00:14:08,833 --> 00:14:12,633 - JERRY, QUIT SENDING DICK PICS TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND. 312 00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:15,633 - OH, UH, THIS IS A PICTURE FOR MY PHYSICIAN. 313 00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:17,733 - HAND HIM THE STRENGTH-O-METER. 314 00:14:20,833 --> 00:14:22,733 [bell dings] AMAZING! 315 00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:25,673 GIVE HIM HIS PRIZE. 316 00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,197 [clangs] 317 00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,067 YOUR NEW SUIT LOOKS GREAT. 318 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,797 DON'T PUT THAT THING ON. FINE. 319 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,430 THIS CERTIFICATE HERE STATES THAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT 320 00:14:37,433 --> 00:14:40,503 ACKNOWLEDGES YOUR SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH. 321 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,470 WE EVEN PUT A GOLD STAR ON THERE BECAUSE YOU DID SO WELL. 322 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,097 I WANT YOU TO HEAD ON BACK TO HOUSTON, 323 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,070 AND WE'LL BE SENDING YOU SOME MISSIONS IN THE MAIL. 324 00:14:48,067 --> 00:14:49,297 NOT THAT DOOR. 325 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,300 [dramatic music] 326 00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:53,670 * 327 00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,327 I WISH YOU HADN'T SEEN THAT. 328 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:58,603 [gunshot] 329 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,070 [crash] 330 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,927 [laughter] 331 00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:03,833 I DON'T THINK THE WORLD'S READY FOR X12. 332 00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:06,933 - I DON'T THINK X12 CAN TIE HIS OWN [bleep] SHOES. 333 00:15:06,933 --> 00:15:09,073 [laughter] 334 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:10,197 [applause] 335 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:15,530 [laughter] 336 00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:18,133 - I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I SLEEP A LITTLE BETTER AT NIGHT, 337 00:15:18,133 --> 00:15:21,373 KNOWING X12 HAS MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS. 338 00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,067 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, 339 00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:25,867 WHO KNEW STRASBURG WAS SUCH A PROGRESSIVE COMMUNITY? 340 00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:28,867 - DRIVERS CAN NOW FINALLY TRAVEL ON ROUTE 209 341 00:15:28,867 --> 00:15:31,297 WITHOUT TAKING A TWO-MILE DETOUR. 342 00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:34,200 FOR SOME DRIVERS, IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE. 343 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,430 - WELL, IT MAKES IT BETTER FOR GOING TO STRASBURG. 344 00:15:36,433 --> 00:15:37,673 IT MAKES IT BETTER 345 00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,567 WHEN I GO DOWN FISHING IN THE DELAWARE RIVER. 346 00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,067 OR IF I GO HUNTING DOWN IN THE DELAWARE RIVER, 347 00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,627 IT MAKES IT VERY MUCH EASIER TO GET THERE. 348 00:15:42,633 --> 00:15:44,533 [applause] 349 00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:50,533 [audience ohs] 350 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,973 - [bleep]! THAT HURT. 351 00:15:52,967 --> 00:15:54,467 - IT'S OKAY. 352 00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:57,627 IT WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST AS EMBARRASSING IF HE'D LANDED IT. 353 00:15:57,633 --> 00:16:00,833 EVER SINCE THAT DRUG ABUSING CANCER PATIENT BLEW THE WHISTLE, 354 00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:03,073 CYCLING HAS BECOME A NATIONAL JOKE. 355 00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:04,297 PERSONALLY, I THINK 356 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:07,130 ANYONE WHO USES A TWO-WHEELED BIKE IS A CHEATER. 357 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,073 THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO FINALLY GIVE UNICYCLING 358 00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,367 THE RESPECT IT DESERVES 359 00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:13,667 WITH THE PRESTIGIOUS LE TOUR DE CUL-DE-SAC.0. 360 00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,367 [electronic beep] 361 00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,597 [starter pistol fires] 362 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,600 [calliope music] 363 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:25,500 ** 364 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:34,970 - AHH-HH-HH-HH-HH-HH... 365 00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:38,067 * 366 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,867 [audience ohs] 367 00:16:39,867 --> 00:16:46,967 ** 368 00:16:46,967 --> 00:16:53,067 [cheers and applause] 369 00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:00,803 - [laughs] 370 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,130 I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY APOLOGIZE FOR CHEATING 371 00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,233 TO THE USDA, WHO HANDLES CYCLING 372 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,733 AND ALL GROUND BEEF RELATED ISSUES. 373 00:17:07,733 --> 00:17:09,333 I WAS GONNA CONFESS ON OPRAH, 374 00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:11,933 BUT I KNEW MORE PEOPLE WOULD SEE IT ON MY SHOW. 375 00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:14,373 SURE, I USE AN ELECTRIC UNICYCLE 376 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,067 WITH A SELF-BALANCING GYROSCOPE, 377 00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,497 BUT EVERYBODY WAS CHEATING. 378 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,270 HELL, CARLY TOOK OFF HER SEAT 379 00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:23,127 JUST SO SHE COULD ORGASM HER WAY INTO SECOND PLACE. 380 00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:24,773 GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP 381 00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:26,097 FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO. 382 00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,100 HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER. 383 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,200 - I JUST THINK IT'S TIME 384 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,230 THAT WE TAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL, 385 00:17:31,233 --> 00:17:36,073 SO, ALEXA, WILL YOU-- 386 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,067 [laughter] 387 00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:38,227 DON'T MAKE ME. THIS IS--THIS IS HARD. 388 00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:39,503 - I KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS, THOUGH. 389 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:40,730 - OKAY. WILL YOU HELP ME OUT, THEN? 390 00:17:40,733 --> 00:17:41,733 - OKAY, YEAH. 391 00:17:41,733 --> 00:17:42,933 - ALEXA... - ALEXA... 392 00:17:42,933 --> 00:17:45,403 - WILL YOU MARRY ME? - WILL YOU HAVE BUTT SEX... 393 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,670 WITH ME? 394 00:17:46,667 --> 00:17:49,667 - WHAT? - WHAT? 395 00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:52,267 - THIS IS ABOUT ANAL? - YEAH. 396 00:17:52,267 --> 00:17:54,097 - YOU LIT CANDLES! 397 00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,500 - YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOSEN YOU UP. 398 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:59,430 - LOOS--LOOSEN ME UP? - TO THE IDEA. 399 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:02,233 I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY INTO THIS. 400 00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,103 I MEAN, SHOULD I EVEN READ THE POEM? 401 00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:07,070 - THE ANSWER IS NO. - TO THE POEM? 402 00:18:07,067 --> 00:18:08,397 - TO EVERYTHING. 403 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,570 - I THINK THIS CAN BENEFIT THE BOTH OF US. 404 00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:14,727 THESE ARE BUTT BUCKS, OKAY? 405 00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:18,603 YOU CAN CASH THEM IN AND GET ME TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU. 406 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,070 WHATEVER YOU WAN-- 407 00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:23,227 - YOU'RE USING MY ASS AS CURRENCY. 408 00:18:23,233 --> 00:18:25,603 - WELL, IT'S MORE OF A REWARDS-BASED SYSTEM. 409 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,700 - I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. - I DO LOVE YOU, OKAY? 410 00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:32,730 THIS IS A SPECIAL MOMENT THAT WE CAN SHARE TOGETHER 411 00:18:32,733 --> 00:18:35,473 FOR, LIKE, 70 BUTT BUCKS. 412 00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:38,067 - THE PROBLEM WITH BUTT BUCKS IS, 413 00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:39,427 THEY'RE EASY TO COUNTERFEIT. 414 00:18:39,433 --> 00:18:42,173 YEAH, I'VE BEEN BURNED MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO ADMIT. 415 00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:44,467 I NEED TO GET ONE OF THOSE BUTT BUCK MARKERS. 416 00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,467 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JOCKS. 417 00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:48,367 [applause] 418 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,670 [applause] 419 00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:56,867 - WELCOME BACK. 420 00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,567 HERE'S A QUICK SCARF TIP FOR YOU. 421 00:18:58,567 --> 00:18:59,897 IF YOU'RE GONNA WEAR IT UNDER A JACKET, 422 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:02,370 I SUGGEST YOU WRAP IT LIKE THIS. 423 00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,767 CASHMERE. 424 00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,597 NEXT WEEK I'LL BE DOING A SPOILER ALERT 425 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,530 OF ALL THE MOVIES THAT ARE NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR, 426 00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:15,403 SO IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON WATCHING THEM, DON'T BOTHER. 427 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,070 NOW, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, GO TO OUR BLOG, 428 00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,727 AND COME SEE ME ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR 429 00:19:19,733 --> 00:19:22,733 WITH SPECIAL GUEST JERROD CARMICHAEL. 430 00:19:22,733 --> 00:19:25,373 I'M SORRY, THAT IS ACTUALLY MR. COOPER. 431 00:19:25,367 --> 00:19:27,867 I PROMISE WE WILL GET THIS SLIGHTLY RACIST MESS 432 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,927 STRAIGHTENED OUT EVENTUALLY. 433 00:19:29,933 --> 00:19:31,533 ALL RIGHT, IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR 434 00:19:31,533 --> 00:19:33,173 WHERE YOU'RE EITHER DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE 435 00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:35,397 OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A RELATIONSHIP. 436 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,170 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. 437 00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:39,527 TO MAKE IT EXTRA SPECIAL, I GAVE MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS 438 00:19:39,533 --> 00:19:42,073 THE CHANCE TO PROCLAIM THEIR LOVE ON TV, 439 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,967 AS LONG AS THEY INCLUDED ONE THING THEY WANTED CHANGED 440 00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:46,297 ABOUT THEIR SWEETHEART, 441 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:50,230 IN A SEGMENT CALLED, "BE MINE AND BE BETTER." 442 00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,473 [laughter] 443 00:19:58,367 --> 00:20:01,297 YOU DON'T GOSSIP WHILE YOUR MAN IS DRIVING A VEHICLE. 444 00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,400 HERE'S WHAT YOU DO-- YOU SIT THERE QUIETLY, 445 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,100 AND ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE YOU REACH YOUR DESTINATION, 446 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,900 YOU SAY, "HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ROAD HEAD?" 447 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:20,830 - SWEDISH FISH GOT ONE THING RIGHT--NO YELLOW, NO GREEN. 448 00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:25,373 I WOULDN'T MIND AN ORANGE. CHA CHA CHA. 449 00:20:28,967 --> 00:20:32,097 RACHEL, TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS. IT'S [bleep] GROSS. 450 00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:41,797 WHY IS "GRAVY" CAPITALIZED? IS THAT HOW BAD HER GRAVY IS? 451 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:45,470 AMY HAS NO IDEA. SHE'S MAKING A SUB-PAR GRAVY. 452 00:20:45,467 --> 00:20:47,727 THIS GUY'S NOT ASKING FOR AN EXCELLENT GRAVY. 453 00:20:47,733 --> 00:20:49,303 "I WANT THE BEST GRAVY!" 454 00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:53,200 HE WANTS A DECENT GRAVY SO HE CAN CHOKE DOWN 455 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,830 THAT DOG FOOD YOU CALL DINNER. 456 00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:03,427 BYE-BYE, SHAQUEFFA. WHITE GIRL NEVER STOOD A CHANCE. 457 00:21:03,433 --> 00:21:05,533 SEE YOU ON THE POST-SHOW. GOOD NIGHT. 458 00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:08,233 [applause] 459 00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,070 - WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT X12 BECAME SO POPULAR? 460 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:17,197 - YES. 461 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,370 - WERE YOU SHOCKED THAT WE CALLED YOU? 462 00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:22,527 - I NEVER HEARD OF YOUR SHOW. - WHAT? 463 00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:25,473 X12, IF YOU WEREN'T SUPERHUMAN, 464 00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:26,727 I WOULD REACH ACROSS THIS TABLE.