Original subtitles

Kevin and Allison, together forever.

Previously on "Kevin Can [BLEEP] Himself."

I killed him with oxycodone and then made it look like an O.D.

You'll have to wait till I re-up Monday afternoon.

- Thank you. - Worcester PD.

Everybody stay where you are.

My friend was hauled off in a pair of handcuffs,

and my stash is in an evidence bag somewhere.

- Does that mean that you're... - Dry, no pills.

I may have a connection in Vermont.

I think you should come with me.

- Really? - I need a car.

- You can borrow Kevin's. - We'll go together.

Anything good? Are we rich?

64 cents, 9 screws,

and a tooth with a very large filling.

Lemme see that.

No, not mine.

Nice tooth, though.

I really thought the park would have more good stuff.

Hey, what do you say we try your yard

after we have lunch, some beers, a nap, and dinner?

Neil, I love ya,

but it's high time we abandon your

get-rich-quick schemes in favor of a get-wealthy-fast idea

I recently had.

Sounds way better. I'm listening.

We're gonna open our own escape room.

I've never heard of this thing,

which immediately makes me hate it.

An escape room is business idea, Dad.

People pay good money to be locked inside a room.

Plus, we can do it right here.

We already got a basement and a padlock.

That's what they call "low overhead."

Please don't lock anyone in my house.

Babe, we are discussing

business here, like titans of industry.

You wouldn't understand.

Kev, look at the first three letters

of the word "titans."

Kev. Kev. Kevin!

- What, what, what? - Where are the keys?

What... What do you need the keys for?

For the car.

I'm taking Patty to the Beauty Expo.

Pretty sure I mentioned that to you last night.

And then again this morning.

I don't remember that, and I remember everything.

I must've forgotten to ask.

Ah, God, how could I forget?

I'm such an idiot.

Here I was, gonna get you guys a few handles of

tequila from the duty-free liquor store in New Hampshire.

- Whoa. - Hey, now.

If you need the car, you need the car.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

The keys are with the wall spoons.

Thanks, hon.

Okay, we need to think of a theme for our escape room.

Last thing... I have a corned beef in the oven, so...

Yep, yep, and for advertising reasons,

the theme should probably rhyme with the word "room."

I need you to take it out in a few hours, okay?

Okay, let's think.

What do people want desperately to escape from?

Escape... tomb.

Anybody hear me?

Escape womb. Gotta get outta there.

Ah. Too disgusting.

Alexa, can you please set the timer for

six hours from now?

Six hours, starting now.

Whoa, what'd you get it going for?

The beef is in the oven.

I'm leaving now. Please don't burn down my house.

Geez, babe, sure.

Whoa, what do you need the keys for?

I can't.

I mean, Allison's cute and all,

but sometimes I think she thinks I'm an idiot.

I tell ya, being married really is...

I know that look.

Stroke!

Neil, you can't just scream out "stroke."

- Fine. Genius stroke! - No...

No, no, both of you, shut up.

I've got our theme.

Who wants to escape the most?

Just, like, drop everything and go AWOL?

- Priests. - Shawshank.

What?

No, and no.

There's a group of people who have it

even worse... husbands.

Boys, we're gonna make an Escape Groom.

Escape Groom. Right?

You get it, Neil?

Nope.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

One sec.

Jesus, Allison, just come on in.

Patty O'Connor?

- Yeah. - Hello again.

Detective Tammy Ridgeway. Worcester PD.

Uh, sorry. Have we...

Not officially.

I was at the pharmacy bust a few days back.

My partner took a statement from you.

Oh, right. Yeah, uh, Detective Abraham.

No. Just Bram. Bob Bram.

Uh, that's... That's a cool name.

I just have a few follow-up questions.

You got a minute?

Sure.

Do you have any idea what that bust was about?

Well, you arrested a pharmacist, so I assume... arson?

Drug trafficking and money-laundering.

That's... Geez, that's tough.

Yeah.

Guess he was supplying dealers locally.

Did you, uh... did you know him, the pharmacist?

Yeah, we went to the same high school.

He was a band geek who'd aggressively make out

with his girlfriend in yellow hall.

And I'm not sure how helpful that is.

Well, it could be helpful since he's been filling

your prescription for about a decade.

Yeah, and the same guy's owned the gas station

at the corner my whole life.

I mean I see him a lot more,

and all I know about him is that he hands me

my cigarettes real well.

"Memoirs of a Geisha."

Any good?

No idea. Haven't read it yet.

Well, they made a movie out of it, right?

So how bad can it be?

It's next on my list.

You got a lot of books.

Yeah, uh, hey, I just remembered,

I-I'm running late for something.

- Could we, um... - Sure thing.

Just in case, maybe wait a minute before you go out of town.

Okay?

Yeah, you bet.

- Hey. - Hey.

Whoa, I'm driving.

It's my car.

No, it's Kevin's car.

And we're going four hours to meet my guy with the drugs.

Yeah, but the drugs are for me.

They're for Jared.

Jason.

Like "Friday the 13th."

No one's ever been scared of a guy named Jared before.

Okay.

They're for Freddy Krueger...

To get him off your back or whatever.

You like slasher films, too?

We're not bonding, okay?

And you're not driving 'cause you're like a tourist here,

and tourists should never be allowed to drive.

Gimme those.

Hope you have a strong bladder.

I don't make stops.

And we're off like a herd of turtles.

I'm going 60.

Fathead.

Oh, look at his plates. He's from North Dakota.

That's exotic.

Exotic?

Well, it's far. Better than here.

You think North Dakota's better than Worcester?

I mean, yeah, probably.

What about you?

Well, I have this theory.

Everywhere's bad.

North Dakota, Worcester, Florida...

Nowhere's better than anywhere else.

They're all just bad in their own way.

Florida's humid.

North Dakota probably has,

I don't know, snakes or whatever.

I bet France has its shit.

- So everywhere's bad? - Everywhere's bad.

I don't know.

I'd like to see different places.

Maybe I should've been a trucker.

Just me and Celine Dion's second CD,

and I'd just stock up on beef jerky.

You do not eat beef jerky.

I would if I could ever go anywhere.

My dad was a trucker back in the '80s.

Wasn't exactly Walden on wheels, okay?

It's just a bunch of guys racing through traffic,

dealing with some combination of drugs,

diabetes, and slipped disks.

The times my dad was actually home,

I wished he'd go back out on the road.

Your mom want him home?

No idea.

She died when we were kids.

Neil found her.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

Settle down.

It's not like you did it.

Actually, I did.

I wanted your trucker dad all to myself.

That's funny.

Kev, I... I got a little business question.

Yes, you can be the vice president of

the Escape Groom's parent company, Kevlndustries.

That's... wow, that's very generous,

and I formally accept, but my question's about

how we get actual customers.

There's a lot of escape rooms out there.

This escape room is gonna be better than

all the others because ours has a twist.

We are gonna offer $10,000 to any team that escapes.

- Follow-up question. - Yes.

How?

'Cause $10,000 is, like,

$12,000 more than you have in the bank.

That's where my top-secret second twist comes into play...

This room is inescapable.

I-I get it, but I don't think Pete does,

so maybe explain it so he understands.

Our clues are so c... Our clues are so complicated,

they basically lead nowhere.

So we just hide the key somewhere random,

and then when time's up, it's like,

"Sorry, your book smarts didn't help ya here."

Pure "Good Will Hunting."

"What about the apples?"

You misquote that movie again,

I'm taking away your Massachusetts driver's license.

Now, all we gotta do is print out the fliers

to pass out all over town.

Except I don't know how to work the printer.

Or the computer.

Luckily, I know someone who's an expert at explaining

simple tasks to me like I'm a toddler.

Send it to voicemail.

Won't he think we're up to something?

If you don't pick up one time?

Come on. It's fine.

Jesus.

How many times is he gonna call?

I don't know.

What, you always pick up?

See? World didn't end.

We're all still here.

Keep an eye out for Ardmore Lane, would ya?

Why don't you just use your phone?

And have this guy's address in there?

Come on, Barbie.

Who even is this guy?

He's a guy a I know from high school who still deals.

Moved up here a few years ago.

Rick DiNunzio.

Wait, we're buying drugs from a DiNunzio?

Thought I missed out on my chance to do that

in high school.

Never indulged in that rite of passage.

I'm shocked.

Ah, but everyone got their stuff from DiNunzio.

Rick wasn't in my year, but one of them

pissed in the pool and got my swim meet canceled.

Which one? Joey? Ronnie? Deena?

- Davy. - Ah. Davy.

He loved to piss on things.

Um, also, how did I not know we went to

the same high school?

Because up until 20 minutes ago, I didn't know I liked you.

After 10 years?

What changed your mind?

When you said you killed my mom.

You sure you got the right address?

Yep.

I just didn't think a drug den would be so Town & Country.

Oh, okay, this makes more sense.

No, no.

Hands and feet inside the tour bus at all times.

He said to wait by the lawn mower.

Oh, no. Come on.

Patricia?

Yeah. Who are you?

I'm Jif, Rick's step-son.

Where's Rick?

He's at work, but he said you'd be by.

Come in.

Wow. I like your room.

Kind of Pinterest-rustic.

Uh, Rick said that you had some newspapers for...

What? Trevor, turn that down.

Rick said you had some newspapers.

For $250?

Right.

What?

What the hell are these?

Newspapers.

No, we wanted Oxys, not cocaine.

Well, then you should've asked for magazines,

not newspapers.

We change up the names sometimes for security reasons.

Okay. Okay, well, uh,

we would like some magazines, then.

Sorry, Rick just traded the last of our magazines

for those newspapers you asked for.

Come on. Are you kidding me?

Okay, uh, well, we don't want this,

and, uh, we would just like our money back, please.

Jesus Christ.

Trevor, just walk it to the garbage can.

Yeah, uh, we don't really have

an exchange policy.

I mean, you could always try and trade the guy back,

but he'll probably just mark up the price.

Who'd he give the Oxys to?

No idea.

I went with Rick.

Buy me a 12-pack, and I'll take you to the guy.

What? No. You're like 13 years old.

- Six-pack? - Done.

Sure. Take Trevor.

And I suggest you leave this one at home next time.

She's looking mighty custy.

Custy?

Like an obvious customer.

I am a customer.

That's me.

Jesus, Allison.

Sorry.

Declined.

I don't understand why she's not picking up.

First she leaves me hanging with the printer,

and now I can't find my lucky Bruins hat.

How is this business venture

supposed to work if I can't find my lucky hat?

Son, we don't need luck.

Besides, some of these clues seem hard.

They are pretty good.

I mean, why does this bus ticket go to numbers?

Those are coordinates to Kissimmee, Florida.

It's where you'd hide out while your would-be bride

deals with returning all the wedding gifts.

Why Kissimmee, though?

Well, obviously, Kissimmee is an anagram for "Me-me-I-kiss."

So they have to kiss the mirror

at the altar in order to get the next clue.

How many more clues like this are there?

A trail of 56.

Each one less solvable than the last.

And if they somehow manage to get to the final clue,

they have to find the word "pipe" spelled out

on four separate, individual grains of rice.

Only then can they find the key.

On the pipe.

I've never been more proud of you, son.

Oh, God, it smells good out here.

Where is that kid?

How do I know? I'm out here, same as you.

Jesus.

He programmed it so it always when he calls.

I don't know how to undo it.

You turn it off, that's how.

Okay.

Phone time's over. See?

Great.

Trevor said he'd be right out. Now he's just being rude.

This is how it works, okay?

The pill connect probably works inside,

and Trevor will bring him out on his next break.

Stop being so custy.

Come on. You didn't know that word either.

There he is. See?

So I guess that's his connect?

Looks like they have a very professional

business relationship.

Oh, I see.

You're funny all the time now, huh?

Who are you?

I'm Brittani.

What's in the bag?

Burgers.

It's a burger place.

I just had to go pick up my girl, you know,

before we go get my beers.

Look, I'm not new here, okay?

You can't extort me into being your taxi.

Um, I kinda can.

Unless you don't need any pills.

These are basically mine.

Um...

That's good. Very crunchy.

Good.

Um, the fliers worked.

There's like five people outside.

Alright, it's go time.

Everyone, we need to get into character.

Dad, remember, you're the kindly priest who signals

with his eyes that the groom should say, "I don't."

Got it.

Neil, you're the emcee.

The emcee? But I can't rap.

Last time I tried, I just rhymed the word "snake"

with "snake" over and over again until the guy unplugged

my microphone.

No, no, no. You're the host, like a strip-club deejay.

Your job is to make us comfortable without

distracting from the main event.

The butts and the boobs.

Exactly.

And finally, I'm gonna go "UnderKever Boss"

on these suckas.

Oh.

'Course, I know what you mean, but Neil seems lost.

I'm gonna pose as a customer.

The others will quickly identify my smarts and charisma

and elect me as their leader and ask me to supervise

the escape mission.

And then you subtly guide them off-course.

Even better, I play hard to get.

"Who me? I couldn't possibly solve these clues.

Maybe that drip over there should be in charge."

You little tease.

You can milk the clock all the way down

to the buzzer that way.

And I intend to.

Get ready to be rich as hell, boys.

Welcome.

Please be sure all phones are in the basket.

There will be no cheating allowed.

I will be locking the door behind you.

Already left my phone in the car, whoever you are.

Nice.

You have one hour to escape and win $10,000.

Where are the clues?

God and the priest only knows.

Hey, wow. Um, you two look alike.

Don't they look like they could be related?

What? I'm way better looking than him.

My son, God does not like questions.

And begin!

Well, I-I guess we need someone to take charge.

Uh, how about you?

Who me? I don't know if I should.

Okay, then, I'll do it.

What?

I'll find out what the priest knows

while you all go through the clues.

That mirror.

It looks important.

Um...

I think there are coordinates on this bus ticket.

I'm a pilot.

Looks like that's Kissimmee, Florida.

Must be some sort of anagram.

Uh, Kissimmee... "Me Me I Kiss"?

Ah, good ideas, all around.

Oop, we're here.

Damn, drive normal. You have coke in the car.

Nobody cares how I'm driving. We're in Vermont.

Live free or die, right?

That's New Hampshire.

- Same thing. - Same thing.

We're here?

- We're in the middle of nowhere. - Too bad.

Now, where's this guy with the pills?

I told you he's at the mall.

Oh, yeah? Or am I just your chauffeur to Hot Topic?

Dude hangs out in a parking lot by Centennial Woods.

He goes by Red Rooster.

- Come on. - Green light.

Shh. Keep going.

His truck's usually parked out there.

Do not get out of the car.

You pull up, honk twice, and he'll get in the back seat

so you can do your business on the move.

Thank you for being honest.

That's the last stop on the bang bus.

Now get out.

- Are you serious? - Yep.

Bitch.

That's right.

Nice mouth.

- Good luck, custies. - Thank you.

Really?

Phyllis, I'm almost done decoding the vows.

Way to go, Asher!

Yeah.

Wait, guys, I found a grain of rice with a letter on it.

Ooh!

At this rate, we'll have that

10,000 bucks in no time.

Hang on. Hang on.

Let's back up for a second here.

Tall guy wanted me to be in charge at first,

and there must've been a reason for that.

Not really. It was just sort of random.

It wasn't random!

It wasn't.

You had an instinct, and I think that we should honor that.

Fair enough. Um, we got some extra time.

So, uh, what's your suggestion?

Right, like I'm just gonna tell you my suggestion

so you can repeat it back louder and get credit for it

like I do with Kelly's jokes at work?

Nice try.

I'll be strategizing with each of you individually.

Tall guy, you're up first. Come on.

I guess you're a pretty good leader after all.

Looks like you just found the key!

Hey!

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is a fake key.

Look, ugh, you can just snap it right in half.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

It looks like your hand is bleeding.

No, it's, uh... it's... It's just jelly 'cause...

'cause it's a candy key with filling in it.

See? The key is food.

Ahh!

I can't believe we're meeting a guy named Red Rooster.

Trevor seemed to know what he was talking about.

This place is creepy.

It's a parking lot.

Yeah, well, you like slasher movies.

Don't hang out in parking garages or parking lots

or help a guy move a couch into his creepy van.

Okay. Maybe you have a point.

- Oh, God. - It's fine.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't talk.

- I'm not gonna... - Don't. Allison.

Yeah?

We're looking for... Red.

Uh, Rooster?

Okay. Good. Um...

We're looking to trade.

Oh.

Okay. Let's go.

Yeah.

We can't get out of the car, remember?

Right, change of plans.

No, Trevor said we can't...

Trevor is 13.

There's no, like, right way to do this shit, Allison.

There's nothing right about any of it.

And now they have our coke. So...

I either go with them,

or we go back empty-handed to Worcester.

- Lock the door. - Well, be careful.

Look, we could keep re-litigating

my correct choice to eat that fake food key, or...

Or we could start looking for

the real key and win that moolah.

Okay? Alright, so who's with me?

Maybe you should just let us all out.

I think he needs a doctor.

Hour's up! No one escaped!

Oh! Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

It feels so good.

He was in on it the whole time.

"Good Will Hunting'd" all of ya.

How do those apples feel?

We all knew you were a part of it, okay?

Can we just leave, please?

Yeah, and you two are related, right?

My son, that's strike two.

You're out.

This is honestly getting really upsetting.

Oh-ho-ho. Sore losers, much?

Neil, will you please find the real key

and slide it under the door.

Sure thing. Where is it again?

Uh, it's on my key ring.

It says "Dilly Dilly" on it.

Okay. I'm not seeing it.

Hey, didn't Allison take your keys this morning?

Oh, Jesus.

Don't sweat it, gang. I'll get you out.

I may just sort of need to chop the door down.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Allison got so mad at us last time we did that.

No, no, go get your power drill and screw off the hinges.

I loaned my drill to my cousin Terry.

Oh, Terry still up in Grafton?

Nah, they moved. Terry's in Shrewsbury.

Yeah, yeah? How's he liking it?

He loves it.

They got a Buffalo Wild Wings there now.

Ah, they got the best commercials, don't they?

Hello?

What is happening?

Oh, hey, hey, run up to Shrewsbury,

come back, drill us out.

You got it.

How long will this take?

Uh, 30 minutes.

Alexa, stop!

That was weird. Wonder who set that.

Uh...

Oh, thank God.

- Okay, so, don't freak out. - Okay.

I didn't get you the Oxys,

but I did get you something else.

Something I'd argue is far more useful.

They gave you a gun? What the hell?

- Shh. - I need the pills.

What am I gonna do with a gun?

You're gonna protect yourself, that's what.

You don't have to worry about Jason Voorhees

shaking you down anymore.

Just point this at him, and he'll leave you alone.

Just point it at him?

- Yeah, here. Take it. - No!

Come on.

You already killed my mom. What's the big deal?

Chill out, Barbie. It's not even loaded.

I was alone with them in the woods.

What was I supposed to do? Just hand the gun back?

Yes!

Fine. You know what?

You do the deals from now on.

- Wait, where are we going? - Home.

- No. - This was a bust.

Wait, no, please.

- No, we're getting out of here. - No, please. Wait. Sorry.

I... I didn't mean to sound ungrateful.

I just... I really need those pills.

I didn't want to worry you, but that guy,

I don't know what he can do, what he's capable of.

He started stalking me, following me everywhere I go.

Okay, so take the gun...

No, Patty, I-I jump out of my skin when I hear a car horn.

I'm not gonna carry around a gun.

I just need those pills so he'll leave me alone.

Please.

I can't live like this anymore.

There's one more place I can try.

But it's two hours away.

Okay. Yes. Yes.

Thank you. I'm in.

Get your hand off my hand.

Okay.

Thank you.

Why does it smell like camping?

Is that smoke?

Smells like... corned beef.

One of you guys put a corned beef in my oven?

Oh, I think my wife did it.

God, how dare she leave

and let everything go to hell like this.

Great, so now we're gonna die of smoke inhalation?

Okay, okay, just cool it, alright?

We just gotta air the place out a little bit.

You know, get some ventilation.

Wait, there's a window?

Okay, uh, why didn't you guys tell us

there was a way out?

'Cause it's not.

It's clearly too small for any actual adult to...

fit through.

You pump. I'm gonna get a Red Bull

and stock up on menthols while we're outta state.

You want a Red Bull?

Ooh, no thanks. That stuff freaks me out.

All those chemicals?

Yes, you're such a puritan.

Allison?

Allison?!

Sorry.

I'm sure I brought some emergency cash from home.

Take your time.

Oh, shoot.

Oh!

Patty, what the hell are you doing?

I can't believe he followed you here.

What?

That... Isn't that the guy?

Jason?

No, this isn't Jason. This is just some guy.

I... but, uh, I was saving you.

Patty, we gotta go, okay?

I was saving you.

Honey, that wasn't the guy.

We gotta go now. Okay?

Okay, come on. Come on.

You okay?

Want me to turn down the heat?

- No. - Okay.

You mind?

Let's just go home, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, it's fine.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Allison?

It's going to be fine.

Oh, God.

- It's fine. - What the hell?

Stop saying it's fine. This isn't...

Listen, my dad was a cop, okay?

Just sit there and try not to look so terrified.

Jesus.

License and registration.

Of course.

Sorry. I'm nervous.

Never been pulled over before.

Did I, um... did I not signal to something?

Name?

Allison Devine McRoberts.

Devine is my maiden name. My father was Les Devine.

He worked for the Worcester Police...

And you.

Uh, P-Patty. Um, P...

Um, Patricia O'Connor.

Quite a ways from Worcester.

What's your business in Vermont?

Oh, we were, uh... we were attending a Beauty Expo.

Doesn't look like you bought anything.

Do you have any idea why this car was reported stolen?

Stolen?

This is my husband's car.

The report was filed by a Kevin McRoberts.

I am such an idiot.

I, um... I borrowed the car, and I just...

I forgot to tell him how long I'd be gone.

And then my phone died.

I am so, so sorry, officer,

for wasting your time.

I completely understand if we need to

come down to the station till we sort this out.

I don't think we need to do all that.

Last name and address are the same.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.

Maybe use your friend's phone and call your hubby?

Check in.

'Course.

Thank you so much.

Sorry.

Drive safe.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

_

Oh, my God. He called the cops?

Because you didn't answer your phone?

No.

I'm sure he had a great reason.

Kevin, you called the police?

What was I supposed to do?

I've been trying to reach you all day.

I thought you'd been Liam Neeson "Taken."

I pictured you lying dead in the trunk

with some thug driving off in my car.

I was scared and concerned, and I'm so relieved

that you're okay because I can't find the Crisco.

Pull!

Pull!

It's in the pantry.

Top shelf. It says "Crisco" on it.

No, I don't know where your Bruins hat is.

Have you checked in your closet?

Okay, anything else?

Like I just said, the Crisco is in the pantry.

Okay?

And that's why I should've picked up the phone.

So it's my fault?

Like I could've predicted he'd do something like

- call the cops? - Yeah.

You've been hanging out with him for 10 years.

But this... this is...

Different?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Patty, do you remember when I got that job as a paralegal?

I started working a lot, and Kevin convinced everyone

I was having an affair?

My money was on cult. But, yeah.

He thought that I'd fallen in love with my boss,

who was 60 and married.

But that didn't matter.

Kevin still put sugar in his gas tank.

Ruined his Saturn.

Okay, fine, I never said he was a great guy.

But that's the kind of juvenile crap he does.

Patty, he got me fired.

Right when I felt like I was worth something.

He ruined it.

And you just watched him and laughed.

Can you just think about that for more than one second?

He didn't like something that was my own,

and so he took it away from me.

Like this car.

Like my friends.

Like any shred of a life that is my own.

I-It...

It seemed... harmless.

And when he spent all our life savings

without telling me?

Was that harmless, too?

I...

I'm sorry.

Why?

Wasn't your fault. It's Kevin's.

The world revolves around him.

No, it's not that it does, it's that it has to.

And if it doesn't, he just blows it to hell.

And it has to stop.

I have to beat him.

So you're going on benders,

ripping off dangerous guys?

That's how you're dealing with it?

You're smarter than that.

No, I'm not ripping anyone off.

No one's after me.

Nobody except my husband.

I need those pills for him.

'Cause I'm gonna kill Kevin.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com