Original subtitles

Good morning, all,

and welcome to your first day at my new school!

I am waiting because I was expecting you to applaud.

(all applauding)

Please, you're too kind.

I am Zoltan Grundy, as you probably know,

because I am extremely famous

and because you've all met me several times.

I have emailed all of you your class schedules

and assignments for this week.

(clapping)

No? Not now? Okay, I'm sorry, go on.

I will be providing you with excellent facilities and teachers,

and I expect nothing less than excellence in return.

And applause.

But not now.

So, does anyone have any questions?

I have a question. Have you seen my retainer?

Interesting question. No, I have not.

I have a question. Have you checked in your mouth?

I have a question. How dumb do you think I am?

Don't you think I would know if my retainer were in my own mouth?

It's in your mouth.

This isn't mine.

It's Fletcher's.

Not anymore.

Excuse me, Mr. Grundy,

but I have an actual meaningful question.

When will we be receiving the student handbook

covering the rules, like what is our curfew,

and what's the maximum number of stuffed animals allowed on our beds?

Please be more than twelve. Please be more than twelve.

There is no rule book.

You are the best and brightest of your generation,

and I trust you all to figure things out for yourselves.

And if you can't,

I will simply replace you with robots.

(laughing)

I'm kidding, of course.

That technology won't be ready for weeks.

Wait, so the only rule is there are no rules?

This no-rules rule, while logically inconsistent,

is the greatest non-rule rule ever!

So you're saying that

instead of having to go to bed at 8:30, like my parents make me,

I can go to bed whenever I want, like 8:15, or even 8:00!

I'm going to get ready for bed.

But it's not even noon.

I know, but I'm feeling a little crazy!

Rules be darned!

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, doo, doo ♪ -Whoo!

♪ Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it, you got it ♪

♪ We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways ♪

♪ 365 days We got it, we got it ♪

♪ If you can dream it ♪

♪ You can be it ♪

♪ If you can feel it ♪

♪ You can believe it ♪

♪ 'Cause I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Yeah, I am, you are, we are ♪

♪ Exceptional, exceptional ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoo!

I hate this stupid phone!

Excuse me, Lexi. I couldn't help overhearing.

Because my overhearing aid was turned on.

-What's wrong with your phone? -Everything! If it's a smart phone,

why isn't it smart enough to block messages from boys who aren't cute?

Ah.

Actually, we tried that with the Z-Phone 2,

but I could never get through to my mother.

It should also block messages from my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend, Chad.

I'm confused.

Is he your boyfriend or your ex-boyfriend?

Both. We have a love-hate relationship.

All the other girls hate that I'm going out with him,

and I love that.

Fascinating.

You could give me a real insight into the psyche of the young consumer.

I was so advanced as a child, I never got to be a teenager.

But I've done extensive reading on the teenage experience.

So this Chad.

Is he a vampire or a werewolf?

Hey, kid. Have you seen Mr. Grundy?

-Actually... -Never mind. Found him.

He's right behind your face.

Mr. Grundy, here are the financial reports

for the Hashimoto Soda deal. I did them entirely on my own,

with no help from anyone.

Unless you hate them, in which case, it was Lotterstein from accounting.

Lexi, this is my vice-president of acquisitions,

Winter Maddox.

She's in charge of acquisitions and she bought that outfit?

Do you need a tissue?

Obviously, you're quite snotty.

Anyway, shall we discuss the deal,

and my well-deserved and overdue promotion?

Sorry, I have more important things to deal with right now.

Did you know it was the one-week anniversary

of Lexi's new haircut and Chad didn't even send her flowers?

You just don't do that to a person!

No rules! How cool is that?

I know! Check it out! Look how close I am to the TV!

Hope I don't ruin my eyes!

-What are you watching? -I have no idea,

I can't see anything and I have a huge headache.

But this is awesome.

This no rules thing, I don't think it's a good idea.

Over the years, I've read dozens of parenting books,

to train my mom and dad how to raise me to be the perfect child.

-What went wrong? -Zip it, Fletcher!

As I was saying,

all the experts agree that children need rules to feel secure.

So I've taken the liberty of writing a little student rule book for us.

Dah!

Olive, Mr. Grundy said we don't need a rule book.

No, what he said was, there was no rule book,

implying of course that we should write one ourselves.

So behold:

our "Ten Thousand Commandments"!

There are actually 13,629

but "Ten Thousand Commandments" has a better ring to it.

Olive, these rules are ridiculous.

Yeah, like rule number 79: "No eating with your mouth open."

How are we supposed to get the food in there?

See rule 80.

"Rule 80: No asking stupid questions, Fletcher."

Olive, you're not the boss of us.

We're not going to follow your rules.

Fine. You and Fletcher can live in anarchy,

Angus and I will live in civility, we'll see who does better.

Wait. Why do I have to follow the rules?

You're madly in love with me, you'll do whatever I tell you to.

Right. (chuckling) What she said.

Okay. You want to throw down the gauntlet? Let's throw down the gauntlet.

Sorry, but rule number 27 prohibits the throwing

of a gauntlet, a party, a football,

a javelin, a punch, a bone, a tantrum, a banana pie,

a monkey, a momma from a train, or a baby out with the bath water.

Aargh!

You can't throw your hands up in frustration.

Ugh!

Check this out.

Chad just texted me a picture of him and Nicole,

followed by a text that says, "Sorry, I sent this to you by accident."

That is totes cray!

Sorry to interrupt your little party.

Not as sorry as we are.

(sing-song) Roasted!

Mr. Grundy, we have a video conference with Mr. Hashimoto about the deal.

Not now. We need to figure out what to text back to Chad.

How about T-T-Y-N.

Talk to you never.

(mumbling)

Sir, to set up this call,

I sent Mr. Hashimoto gifts for 12 straight days.

Do you know how much it costs to ship a partridge in a pear tree?

We need to call him now.

-Okay. -Are you nuts?

You can't call him again so soon. You'll look totes desperate.

What?

Wait like three days before you call him.

Ooh, and change your relationship status from "pursuing a deal"

to "open to offers."

That actually might work!

I didn't realize business negotiations were so much like dating!

Probably because I know absolutely nothing about dating!

We'll call Hashimoto next week.

Sir, are you going to listen to some self-obsessed teenage girl,

or to a self-obsessed Harvard-trained management major?

If you majored in management,

you'd think you could manage to put a little makeup on.

(sing song) Microwaved!

That's not a thing.

And done.

Ah!

Okay, so lunch is in five minutes,

but to show Olive we don't need her stupid rules,

I brought us a big snack to spoil our appetites.

No, thanks. I brought my own snack.

Carrots?

Do you know what these will do to you?

They'll improve your vision and flush out harmful toxins!

Your good behavior is appalling.

What do you think you're doing? Do you know what time it is?

Hammer time?

No, fifteen minutes till lights out.

Hammer time was at 4:00, you missed it.

-Did you finish your homework? -Yes.

-Did you brush your teeth? -Yes.

-Did you floss? -Yes.

-Are you lying about all this? -Yes.

Okay, here is the plan.

We take a picture of you drinking a competitor's soda

and then "accidentally" text it to Hashimoto.

Okay, look like you really love it.

Lexi, may I talk to you for a minute?

I have a favor to ask.

Sorry, there's nothing I can do with your hair.

I'll have you know this hair went to Harvard.

All of me did. Uh, except my nose. That was a graduation gift.

Anyway, I need you to stop distracting Mr. Grundy.

I understand.

What you're saying is, you're totes jelly.

What?

Sorry, I forgot you only speak "old people."

You're totally jealous that Zoltan listens to me and not you.

Ha!

I am not "totes jelly!"

And I am not old!

I have the complexion of a one-year-old.

Notice I didn't say newborn, because let's be honest,

newborns are disgusting.

Winter is totes jelly and bitter.

We should make her a peanut bitter and jelly sandwich.

And add a side order of "hater" tots.

(both) Ooh!

(gasps)

Wow. Your room's pretty messy.

You're right. I have to do something about it.

Because it has to be super messy.

Olive has to think we love living without her rules,

even though, and this might surprise you,

pepperoni and ice cream is a little tough on the tum tum.

Anyway, I appreciate you not showering

for three days and smelling terrible.

Yes, that's why I smell.

To help contribute to whatever it is we're doing.

If Olive thinks she's right, she'll boss us around forever.

We have to stand up to her tyranny.

Right! What's tyranny again?

What are you looking for?

My flash drive. It has all this music I wrote on it!

I can't find it anywhere!

Hey, guys.

Looking for something?

Uh, no. I have a system.

I know exactly where everything is.

For instance, here is my half-eaten burrito from three days ago.

Exactly where I meant to put it...

On my favorite dry-clean only silk blouse.

(chuckles)

That wouldn't have happened if you'd cleaned up the room.

Are you kidding? I did it on purpose!

It looks so much better now.

In fact, I'll make matching pants.

There! Super cute!

Ugh.

We have to find that flash drive! Help me clean up so I can look!

I'll put things away, you fold... Everything!

-What are you doing? -Folding.

I only had a pair of twos.

I can't live like this anymore.

Olive's right. I like having a clean room.

I like going to sleep at a reasonable hour.

-And I like carrots. -I like carrots too!

I am a weak, weak person.

So I guess we tell Olive she wins?

(sighs) No way!

If we admit to Olive that we were wrong,

her most common phrase won't be "interesting factoid,"

it'll be "I told you so."

Wow. What happened?

Have you seen the error of your ways?

Interesting factoid: I told you so.

No, I didn't clean up because you thought I should.

I cleaned because...

The new dorm supervisor made me.

There is a new dorm supervisor?

-Who is it? -Yeah, who is it?

Uh, his name is... Dorian Bannister.

Dorian Bannister?

Yeah. Mr. Grundy put him in charge of supervising us,

because apparently not everyone

is as able to handle their independence

as responsibly as I am.

Oh, yeah and the new rule is only 11 stuffed animals per bed.

(shrieks) No!

Not the Dolly Llama!

-I want to talk to this Bannister guy. -What?

There's no way his rules are better than mine.

Wait! You can't talk to Bannister, because...

Bannister's first rule is no complaining about his rules.

Rats!

Well played, Bannister.

-(talking indistinctly) -Mr. Grundy,

I have been trying to get you to focus all week.

And now, thanks to her,

the Hashimoto deal is probably dead.

-(gasps) -Mr. Hashimoto?

What a pleasant surprise!

What is going on between us?

You don't call me for three days,

and you probably do not know this, but you accidentally sent me a text

of you drinking a competitor's soda.

Did I? Oops.

I just have one question.

Oh, Harvard. I went to Harvard.

My question is, would you reconsider the deal

if I knock a billion dollars off the price?

Is it me, or is it desperate in here?

Yes! Yes, absolutely. It's a deal!

Excellent! Let us celebrate our corporate matrimony

by toasting with some refreshing

Hashimoto Soda.

(fizzing)

Oh. What is this?

It tastes like squid mucous.

How dare you insult our most popular flavor:

octopus mucous!

You have dishonored Hashimoto Soda!

The deal is off!

Ah! Godzilla! Not again!

Mr. Grundy, do something!

What do you do when a boy is breaking up with you?

I don't know. It's never happened to me before.

This Bannister idea was genius!

We can make up any rules we want,

blame them on "Bannister," and Olive has to follow them.

I know. By the way, I told Olive that Bannister

outlawed "interesting factoids" and pants with flowers on them.

(laughing)

I can't believe Bannister and his rules.

I had to borrow these stupid flowerless pants from Angus!

And Bannister said we had to stay up until 9:00!

Like rock and roll musicians!

I barely slept ten hours. I am slowly dying.

Technically, we're all slowly dying.

-It's called aging. -Zip it, Fletcher!

I got to talk to Bannister. Where is he?

Um... I think it's his day off,

so I guess you're out of luck.

(elevator dings)

There's Mr. Grundy. I'll talk to him instead.

-Wait... -Mr. Grundy,

how could you put someone in charge of us instead of me?

You have crossed the line.

Rule 27 be darned! I'm throwing down a gauntlet!

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Thank you for finding my gauntlet.

I've been looking all over for it.

So what you're saying is,

somebody at your company is making up their own rules?

Without your permission?

This is an outrage! An outrage, I say!

I don't know who's responsible for this, but I intend to find out.

And when I do, I would not want to be that person.

Mostly because I like being who I am, because I'm a billionaire.

It's Bannister! He's run amok with power!

That's my job!

-Bannister? -You have a big company.

You can't be expected to know all the employees by name.

I know exactly who he is.

-You do? -(elevator dinging)

(Zoltan) Bannister! A word, please?

Yes, sir?

There's a real Bannister?

Who do you think you are?

Supervising these kids without my approval?

Yeah! What's wrong with you? Outlawing interesting factoids?

I have had to use uninteresting factoids all day!

Mr. Grundy, sir, I...

I don't want to hear it! Pack up your office.

-You're fired! -What?

But sir! I have a wife, and five children,

all named Zoltan!

No excuses, Bannister! Hit the bricks!

Wait!

Bannister didn't do anything.

Well, now he can not do anything at home,

because he ain't working here anymore!

Look, Mr. Grundy, I can explain.

I didn't want Olive bossing us around,

I told her we were following rules made up by some guy named Bannister.

I didn't know there was a real Bannister!

Dorian Bannister is the fake name I use whenever I need to invent someone!

It's a condition I have.

You should ask my pediatrician, Dr. Dorian Bannister.

In that case, Bannister, you can stay. But for goodness sake,

rename your children.

Five Zoltans? That's totes creepy.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Stop groveling, Bannister, and get back to work!

(elevator dings)

So you lied to me?

(sighs) Look, Olive, I'm sorry.

I didn't want to admit it, but we do need some rules.

You were right. Again.

I'm sorry too. I kind of overdid it.

What about me? This hasn't been easy on me either.

(both) Zip it, Fletcher!

Students! Attention please!

It seems I've made a dreadful mistake.

(clapping)

Maybe you should get an applause sign.

Turns out that children do in fact need supervision,

so I've created a new position in the school,

the sole responsibility of which will be to look after

and nurture you Ants.

I wish I could do it myself, but I don't want to.

So say hello to your new den mother, Winter Maddox.

What?

But...

Mr. Grundy, I don't like children.

I didn't even like myself until I got into Harvard.

Did I mention, I went to Harvard.

I've made up my mind.

-Mr. Grundy, please... -Sorry, I've got to run.

I'm late for a meeting with City Councilman Dorian Bannister.

Oh.

Okay, I don't really know the first thing about being a den mother,

so I did some research by reading this child rearing book.

Granted, I only got through the first chapter.

Could you maybe jump ahead to the chapter on teenagers?

Um, how long do we have to stay in here?

And can we please get some more challenging toys?

Stop complaining.

This thing is awesome!

Whee!