Original subtitles

Oh, simple Allison.

Previously on "Kevin Can [bleep] Himself"...

I just don't know when I got so isolated from everyone.

You blew up my life. Was that just for fun?

I felt sorry for you.

I was hoping to do some computer research.

About a woman who decides to kill her husband.

I killed with oxycodone and made it look like an O.D.

These types of pills get abused.

Yeah, I've heard.

I swear I know someone.

Thank you.

Oh, it's drugs. Shit.

[Upbeat music plays]

Dad!

I hope you still have some contacts

in the Miracles Department of the church,

because this...Oh.

...qualifies.

[Laughter]

That is a great bag.

Very roomy.

I think he's talking about what's inside.

Please don't be alive. Please don't be alive.

Also, please don't be dead.

[Laughter]

So, there I was, walking down the street.

No one else was around when -- boom!

This just appeared in front of me.

Kevin!

"Hart Live at the Worcester Centrum."

W-- You took that?!

The wind took it off the side of the Worcester Centrum.

And it's got your name on it,

so legally, it belongs to you.

Wow, your grasp of the legal system is so interesting.

My public defender said the same thing.

Let's hang my banner off the side of the house, yeah?

After we staple the good sheets over

anything that doesn't say "Kevin."

Why would you specify the good--

[Scoffs] Never mind.

Alright, ideas on how we can do this?

I got my dad's towing winches.

You're a winch.

[Laughter]

No, guys, we use the towing winches

to do a pulley system.

A "system?" Patty, we're climbing one roof.

We're not gonna take Vegas.

[Scoffs] I know.

Neil, you shimmy up the drain pipe

and hang it off the old lightning rod.

I'm sure it doesn't do anything important.

Please be careful.

On it. Fine! Do it your way!

Oh. I'd say break a leg...

Wait, I'm stuck!...but Neil most definitely will.

[Laughter]

[Insects chirping]

♪♪

[Lighter clicking]

[Dog barks in distance]

[Exhales]

My brother broke his leg.

40 megs of OxyContin, comin' up.

[Laughs]

Remember you missed prom 'cause Neil got a concussion?

[Keyboard clacking]

Yeah, Terrance.

That's why I didn't go to the prom.

I called ahead, you know. They should be ready.

Gotta wait all day?

[Bag rustles]

You know, these pills are pricey.

I could get my hands on some generics for you.

In the future.

It's alright. Medicaid covers it.

I mean, like...

they only give you 10 of these.

So if your brother ever needs a refill,

come back and see me for the generic.

♪♪

Oh, I --

No.

You got a degree.

A good job.

Don't be an idiot with this stuff, Terrance.

With what?

[Scoffs]

[Indistinct announcement over PA]

Okay, lady, let's get you out of this chair.

Ooh. You got it?

I'm not an invalid yet.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, before I forget, hand me my pocket book.

I think you'll like it.

Nobody has taken it out in ages,

so, eh, just keep it.

♪♪

Thanks.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh...[Sighs]

Hey. You okay?

It's just this damn sciatica.

[Scoffs]

My do-gooder sister-in-law's

taken to picking up my groceries for me.

I-I-It's just hard.

Friggin' doctor visits

are too expensive without insurance,

and the pain is just --

You know, some days, it's just bad.

Judi.

I'm fine.

♪♪

♪♪

I'm gonna be needing some generics.

[Laughter]

[Rumbling]

[High-pitched ringing]

[Laughter swells]

[Sounds swell to crescendo]

What the hell are you doing here?

I -- You've never been in here before.

I know. But I want a wash.

♪♪

Like Barb gets.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

I need them. I need it.

Why?

Back pain.

♪♪

Bullshit. Okay, well, how the hell would you know?

Because you're a terrible liar. Even you don't believe what you're saying.

Oh, Jesus, why does this have to be so hard?

[Laughs]

I don't have anything for you.

Of course you don't.

You'll have to wait till I re-up Monday afternoon.

W-- Monday?

Like, this Monday? Like, three da-- Like, 72 hours?

We all know you can do math.

Okay, that -- Monday is great.

That is amazing.

I will be here for the wash on Monday.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Laughs] Okay.

But for now, get out of here.

Is it, like, dangerous or something?

No.

I'm just done being around you.

♪♪

Thank you.

♪♪

Here for another free coffee?

Wait, you serve free coffee here?

Uh, you keep leaving before you actually pay.

Oh, my gosh. You're right.

I -- Well, I promise to pay for this one --

and the other two.

It's been sitting for a while. Make a fresh pot.

No, no, I'm not picky.

[Sighs] Um...

I am sorry for the other night.

Just had a really bad day,

and you were saying some stuff that I didn't, uh --

It's not a big deal.

Wha-- No, I was rude.

When I'm around you, I feel --

I don't know -- 15, and I was a brat at 15.

So I am sorry.

♪♪

It's cold. I told you I'd make a new pot.

I c-- it's not --No, no. [Laughs]

No, it's okay. I deserve this.

♪♪

Mmm.

Mm. Mm. So stoic.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

I'm sorry, too.

I think I was kinda harsh to cover the fact

that seeing you again makes me feel a little...

guilty.

Oh, yeah?

When I was working the steps with my sponsor,

I listed out people to make amends to,

and you were on there.

Maybe towards the top. [Chuckles]

If anyone deserved a call...

I just didn't do it.

What, did you lose my number?

Nope, just a coward.

[Both laugh]

♪♪

You know, I'm getting my chip in AA tomorrow night.

Eight years sober.

Eight years? Yeah.

Wow! [Laughs]

Feel like I don't even know this version of you.

You look the same, though.

♪ Please give me a chance♪

I like that you think I'm the same.

[Dishes clattering]

You are.

They say to invite people to these things.

Would you come?

Consider it me making my amends.

♪♪

So, you got a special occasion you wanna look nice for?

Sure, my husband's taking me to Paris.

[Laughs]

No, this is self-care.

Woman: Last time, we did those swoopy layers.

Cathy in accountin' says, "Nice haircut."

And I knew what she meant.

Woman #2: And she's insisting on a band. Can you imagine?

No. [Bell jingles]

[Tire spokes tick]Woman: Hey.

Hey, Cindy.

Hoping you can squeeze me in for a wash?

Okay, great.

One sec, hon.

Let's have a look at the book.

So, thing is, I'm cleaned out at the moment.

Oh. We had a couple people in rough shape this week,

needed a bit more, but I'm re-upping Monday.

I sorta need 'em now.

Listen, Cindy, I know your knee's blown,

but for a day or two, toss back a few ibuprofen.

It'll be fine.

Patty. Ibuprofen? Are you serious?!

♪♪

[Whispers] I really need them.

Okay.

Let me see what I can do, okay?

Thank you.Yeah.

Thank you. Oh.

For last time.

Thanks f-for frontin' for me.

It won't happen again.

No big thing.

[Bell jingles]

♪♪

[Upbeat music plays]

♪♪

Hey, babe, you might want to keep your coat on,

'cause it's about to get "chili" in here.

[Laughter]Chili, the food.

[Laughter]Thank you for clearing that up, Neil.

[Laughter]

Can't you just buy the chili this year?

Sweet Allison.

The Renzulli Brothers don't plow our street

in exchange for store-bought chili.

No, they do it 'cause we pay taxes.

The Renzulli Brothers plow our street

early and often because we bribe them in,

and I quote, "Yummy-nummy chili in their tummies."

[Laughter]

That's right, and this year,

we're making an extra-special batch

with deep-fried turkey meat --

prepared, of course, using my brand-new

55,000 BTU All-Pro Stainless Steel Turkey Deep Fryer.

Ooh!

She is a sexy little contraption.

I call her the "Dirty Birdie."

Is that the, uh --

the thing that's set up in our driveway?

Bingo! Best to do it outdoors.

Frying a turkey can be very dangerous.

Yeah, sometimes they explode,

and no one knows why. [Laughter]

Sounds violent.

Don't worry, Mom, I'll be careful.

Oh.

Neil's cooking the exploding turkey.

Yeah. Why?

I guess I was just confused

'cause you usually cook the meat,

so I thought it was your chili.

It is, since I'm the magician behind it.

[Inhales sharply]

Uh, well, you know, we both work on it, so...

Yeah, but I'm the main magician.

You're the random audience member

we can all agree I've never met before.

[Laughter]

Um, you're wrong.

[Gasps] What?

I said "no offense."

No, you didn't.

I'm wrong?

Uh, [Scoffs] if I'm so wrong,

how come my plans, ideas, and goof-arounds work out

99% of the time?

Uh, 'cause you got me jukin' stats and crackin' skulls.

You need me.

Pssh, I don't need anybody.

Fine, then I'll take my

55,000 BTU All-Pro Stainless Steel Turkey Deep Fryer

and make my own chili,

and it's gonna blow yours into the water.

[Laughter]

A chili cook-off?

Good luck making anything the Renzulli Bros respect

without my help.

Pfff. I don't need your help!

[Laughter]

'Cause I've got Allison!Oh!

She's gonna help me cook the chili,

and she is way better than you.

[Groans]

I can't believe you'd stoop that low.

Oh, we're playing limbo now, baby.

You don't even know how low I can go!

Welcome to the Dream Team, baby.

[Sighs]

[Laughter]

Yeah, you get out of here with that turkey.

Leave my carrot!

[Laughter]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Insects chirping]

♪♪

Allison: Neil's not in there. Geez.

Starting to think I should tie a little bell

to all your cardigans.

This is a new look for you.

No, it's actually an old look.

I used to have a burger every day after swim practice.

I had to earn it.

You go swimming today?

Nope, but I earned it.

And...

the second one was only 50¢,

and I can't pass up a deal, so...

You want it?

Mm.

Of course you're the kind of girl who's always cold.

Why are you eating outside?

Um, I'm just stalling.

Kevin's inside. He and Neil got into a fight.

They don't do that.They do now, I guess.

It was nice for the first 30 seconds

until Kevin started looking to me

to fill the Neil-sized hole.

As soon as I go in there,

he's gonna put me to work.

So, don't do it.

Like that's an option.

He's just gonna whine until I, like,

drive 90 miles to get pork belly,

or something stupid like that.

This fight between 'em's gonna be the end of me.

Allison, I'm always impressed

with how you can make nothing to do with you

all about you.[Dog barking in distance]

Okay.

Well, if I'm so obnoxious,

why don't you go in there

and deal with Kevin's chili hysteria?

Or go home and deal with Neil's.

Go on, Patty. Go be one of the boys.

[Train whistle blows in distance]

I knew it.

You hate them as much as I do.

I don't hate them.Yes, you do.

I knew it.

I knew there was something else going on.

I just didn't know it was selling drugs.

Can you just be cool?

I'm right.

That's way better.

Kurt: I'm so glad you're eating healthy with me.

I can't do anything alone.

[Chuckles]

Glad my company is good for something.

You're good for more than that.

Got "Ray Donovan" all ready to go.

I'm hooked. Ugh.

His accent's for shit, though.

Yeah.

It's true.

[Clears throat]

Mmm.

Guess how much this salad cost us?

60¢.

Well, no.

I mean, $2.49, though?

Plus the dressing, which we already had,

but at a salad bar, we'd be paying 7 bucks each --

plus tip and tax.

Maybe by summer, we'll save up enough

for our own place on the Cape --

show off our skinny arms on the beach.

[Laughs] Yeah, maybe.

[TV chatter]

[Woman moaning]

♪♪

Hey, maybe tonight, we could --

Do you mind if we don't tonight?

Oh, yeah. [Laughs] Of course.

I'm just really tired.

Yeah, you don't have to explain.

It's -- I'm always happy just sitting here with you.

♪♪

Yeah. Me, too.

♪♪

[Lettuce crunches]

[Upbeat music plays]

Hey, babe.

It's Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Ugh, it's the day of rest.

Only for lazy people like Neil who lose chili cook-offs

'cause they rest on their Lauras.

Rest on their what?

Like, when you're sleeping with some chick named Laura

and you don't want to get out of the bed,

you're lazy.

[Laughter]

I learn so much being married to you.

I love you, too, babe.

I have to go run an errand,

but it's for a huge surprise I have planned for ya.

Planned for me? Of course.

Well, last time you said you had something planned for me,

you and Neil went to Rock 'N' Roll Camp.

[Laughter]

Who doesn't like a weekend alone?

[Laughter]

Now, I expect you back here this afternoon for your surprise.

Kevin and Allison, together forevah!

[Laughter]

[Inhales deeply]

[Sighs]

[Cellphone buzzes, chimes]

♪♪

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

[Chuckles]

And I never called before, Terrance.

Isn't it good that I'm out?

I mean, I'm -- I'm selling, right?

And this is important, so --

Hell--

Geez.

♪♪

[Door rattling]

Oh, hell.

♪♪

[Bell jingles] Yes?

Um, I was hoping you did walk-ins?

Look, I said Monday, okay?

Why is everybody up my ass this week?

I mean it.

I was hoping you could give me, like,

a beachy wave or somethin'.

You say "hoping" a lot.

Well, it's nicer than saying "I want."

Just a curl, not a whole wash.

[Bell jingles]

I'll take it.

Whee! [Laughs]

You got a special occasion you wanna look nice for?

Uh, I was hop--

I want to look nice,

but, uh, I'm not sure it's a special occasion.

I -- Well, promise you won't tell Kevin?

We're in that

mutually-assured-destruction territory now, yeah?

Right.

Well, uh, I am seeing an ex.

Well, not really an ex.

He, um -- We used to bus tables together

at this really terrible Mexican restaurant --

Aunt Chiladas?

No, Sloppy José's.

[Stammers]Yeah.

I guess we never actually, like, "dated."

He was always with this girl from Amherst.

Jenn, with two "N's."

Mm, I hate her.

Um, I would lock up and he would turn the sign off,

and then we would go in back in the kitchen

and fool around.

And I didn't know Jenn that well,

so it didn't seem quite as terrible.

It just felt like I wanted to beat her.

And it was fun and dangerous.

Having sex in front of the tortilla chips

is your idea of dangerous?

Well, it's the worst thing I've ever done.

So, you're gonna go fool around.

No.

Kinda sounds like you want to.

He's married.You're married.

E-- Of co-- Yes, of course.

We're both married, yes.

It's not gonna happen. [Scoffs]

And this is what you're wearing?

Hey.

I'm just saying.

You have that wrap dress from the Gap.

Well, I'm going to go home and change, okay?

So, what about you?

You have fun hanging out with Kurt?

Huh?

Did you have fun?

[Clicks tongue] Uh, yeah.

It was fine.

Okay, did you go out, or...?

No. Oh, okay.

Well, that's nice. A man who can cook.

Unless he's bad at it. Is he bad at it?

I don't know. He -- He's Kurt.

He opened a bag of salad, put it on a plate,

and then watched me eat it.

[Laughs]

Okay, well, I'd take that over being chained to Kevin

while he makes the world's most disgusting chili.

♪♪

Kurt thinks we're eating healthy together.

That cheeseburger I had last night

was my third this week.

[Gasps]

Shut up.

[Power tools whirring, clanging]

Oh, you got all done up for me, huh, sweetie?

Really putting yourself out there, aren't ya?

Yeah, settling in to your new profession.

Hey, let me know if you want me to set up

any more appointments under the bridge.

♪♪

Yes, hello.

Um, I was just walking by Clark Street Elementary,

and I saw a man selling drugs.

And I followed him to the auto body on Buckingham Ave.

He works there.

Please help, because I don't want this monster

getting children hooked on drugs.

Okay, well, you're welcome.

Thank you for your time.

Okay, bye-bye.

♪♪

Kev, you back yet?

[Clicks tongue]

[Scoffs]

Jesus Christ, Kev, come on.

[Dog barking in distance]

[Sighs]

[Screams]

Oh, hey!

Perfect timing! [Laughs]

Guess what I got?

A pig.

Dinga-ding-ding!

This is our trump card, baby!

It's, um, staring at me.

Can you --

Oh, there you go. Much better. [Laughs]

Peek-a-boo! Oh!

[Laughs] Just kidding.

[Snorts] Ah!

[Laughs] I'm just kidding.

[Grunts]

Stupid Neil thinks he's gonna win

with bird meat when I got a pig on my side!

[Laughs]

This is game over, right here. [Sighs]

Certainly is for the pig.

I'm gonna cook him as God intended --

all night long over a roaring open flame

10 feet from our house.

It's gonna be a great time, babe!

You're gonna love it.

I'm gonna love it?

Oh, yes. That's my surprise.

You and me -- Kevin and Allison --

the greatest duo that this backyard has ever seen.

We got eight hours of togetherness

over a roasting pig.

You want me to be here?

I can't do this on my own!

Not that I need anyone!

Okay, well, all you have to do

is just watch an open flame and try not to fall asleep,

so w-why do you need me here?

It's so much more than just not falling asleep.

Neil and I... [Clears throat]

That neighbor guy and I

used to do this sort of stuff all the time.

Come on, it's gonna be the best time.

We got an excuse to pound beers all night long.

And then, around 3:00 A.M.,

I'll do my line-for-line reenactment

of "Good Will Hunting."

Oh, as great as that sounds, I --Allison.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, I-I know.

It's not your fault, Allison.

Yes. No, I understand.

Allison. It's from the film.

It's not your fault. Uh-huh.

I mean, see? How great is that?!

Where else are you gonna be?

Well, I have a work --

I have a work at the package store.

I'll be here. [Chuckles]

Waitin' for you.

[Laughter][Snorting]

Oh! "So will I!"

[Laughs]

[Screams]

[Gasps] Oh!

[Laughter]

It was his fault!

[Laughter]

[Drumroll]

[Chatter]

Hey.

Would you just hold on one second?

Yeah, sure.

Hey. [Laughs]

Hi. Oh, my God.

Uh -- S-Sorry. Hi.

So glad you made it.

Ugh. Uh, you look great.

Oh, thank you. [Laughs]

Uh, I-I don't really know what to do.

I've never been to one of these before.

Oh, yeah, don't worry. It's not a big deal.

Um, you've never been to a meeting?

No.

Do you think I should have?

No. No, please. That's not what I meant.[Laughs]

Um, you're the most self-controlled person

I ever met.

Well, it's been a while.

Maybe I've changed.

Totally lost it.

Eh, I'm not buying it.

Okay. [Both laugh]

Kurt: Bon appétit.

[TV clicks]

Man: The road to Big Trout Lake is a narrow corridor

filled with twists, turns, and steep hills...

Mmm. ...that make ordinary runs challenging

and mega-hauls like Todd's an outright gamble.

Hey, you need the Honda this week?

Maybe.

I'll let you know.

Oh.

"Bon appétit"means you can start eating.

Uh...[Sighs]

Can we please just have some real food?

W-Wha-- Thi-- But this is.

This -- This is -- This is protein and vegetables.No, Kurt.

I would like some real-ass food, you know?

With carbs and animal fat

so I don't have to keep speed-eating

alone in my car on the way over here.

It's lonely and I'm getting heartburn.

Yeah, o-okay.

I'll order something.

Thank you! [Laughs]

Yes, God! Thank you!

[Clears throat] Ugh. [Sighs]

Ooh, maybe chimichangas!

Once again, welcome to the Sunday Trinity

Big Book Discussion Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I've stated that I'm an alcoholic.

Are there any other alcoholics present tonight?

We also celebrate the anniversaries at this meeting.

An anniversary is defined as 365 days free of alcohol

or anything else that affects you from the neck up.

We have one anniversary tonight,

and that is Sam, celebrating eight years.

Get up here, Sam.

[Laughs]

[Applause]

Hey, I'm Sam.

Alcoholic.

Hi, Sam.Hi, Sam.Hi, Sam.Hi, Sam.

Uh, I dragged myself into the Program

when I finally hit rock bottom.

One night, I got so loaded

that I stole a bundle of heroin from some guy I met at a bar --

too drunk to even remember his name.

Jason, maybe?

If he'd caught me, I bet he would've killed me.

I can still feel that fear and that shame, and that's good.

It keeps the cycle from starting again.

I've been done with destructive patterns for eight years.

I'm not going back.

[Applause]

[Chatter]

Oh. [Laughs]

Um, thank you so much for having me.

Really? This -- Yeah.

Uh, I know these things can be painful.

Oddly, I'm, uh -- I'm proud.

I -- Woman: Sam.

Oh, hey! Hey.

What are you doing here?Oh, I wanted to surprise you.

Did I miss it?

Yeah, but that's okay. There's plenty more.

My dad was at the house looking at tile samples,

and I lost track of time.

Sorry.Eh, that's okay.

House looks great though. [Laughs]

Good. Uh, Jenn, this is Allison.

Allison, my wife, Jenn.

Hi.Hi. Oh. [Laughs] Hi.

Uh, we've actually met before.

I, uh, worked with Sam in high school.

Oh, how sweet of you to come.

Of course.

It's a big deal.

Sorry, you got, um -- You have something.

Oh.

[Laughter]

Is that a bean?

A pinto bean.

It's, uh -- It's from a chili.

[Laughs]Oh.

[Chomps]

[Bean patters]

Um, anyway...

[Laughs]

[Dog barking in distance]

♪♪

[Sighs]

[Barking continues]

♪♪

[Pork sizzling]

[Snoring]

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

Hello.

[Laughter]

[Upbeat music plays]

♪♪

I can't do it! What?

I can't hurt him!

You cooked him over a fire all night long.

That was different. This is murder!

[Groans]

We had a totally life-changing night together.

You and the already-dead pig?

Don't say it like that.

You don't know. You weren't here.

I slept here.

But you were late.

You totally missed the connection I had

with this beautiful creature.

We talked about real big-picture stuff, you know?

Life. Love.

How dudes who say they don't pee in the shower

are definitely lying.

[Laughter]

Do you pee in the shower?

No.

[Laughter]

Look, the point is,

there's no way that I can cut up my best friend!

Ok-- Do you think that this might possibly be about Neil?

Of course not.

This is about my new friend, Piggy Stardust.

[Laughs]

And worse -- about how, now I'm completely screwed

because I got no meat for the chili!

Just give them vegetarian chili.

Vegetarian chili is worse than no chili at all.

Nobody wants salad soup!

Well, then, you'll just be

the laughing stock of the whole neighborhood.

[Laughter]You're right.

Oh.

I won't be able to leave the house.

That's it.

I'm gonna become a Kermit. A "Kermit"?

Yeah -- someone who's alone and inside all the time.

Like Kermit always hiding from Miss Piggy.

[Laughter]

This is when you feel humiliation?

You definitely pee in our shower.

I'm never leaving this house again,

and you're gonna be here right by my side the whole time.

[Laughs]

In it till we kick it, baby!

[Laughs] Lucky you.

So lucky.

Alright, I'm gonna go upstairs

and stew this out over a bath.

[Laughter]

You're gonna have to come up in 45

with a beer and a sandwich.Oh--

[Laughter]Not that I need anyone!

[Laughter]

[High-pitched ringing]

[Sighs]

[Train whistle blows in distance]

It's a dangerous thing, falsely accusing someone --

especially a guy high up in the community.

Good job, family.

Might as well accuse Father O'Donnell

of peddling pills.

So, please, keep in mind,

if you're full of crap,

no one would think twice about sending you to Walpole.

And I'll tell my friends over there that you touch little kids.

[Radio chatter]

I swear on my mother's life,

this is the guy you're looking for, okay?

Who am I? I'm nobody.

Whoever ratted me out, like --

Listen, pal, the amount of stuff you got caught with,

that's an intent to distribute.

Forget intent to distribute.

It's like Black Friday in there.

Yeah, we'll see.

♪♪

Terrance: If you have any questions, give me a call.

♪♪

Hey, buddy.

How can I help you?

Uh, it's Monday.

I'm here for the generics.

You're not supposed to call.

I know. I know, I'm sorry.

It was a huge mistake. It won't happen again.

Terrance.

Please.

[Chuckles]

Thank you, Terrance.

I love you, Terrance.

♪♪

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Back for more Lipitor, huh?

Maybe it's all those, uh, carbs and animal fat.

S-- Listen, last night,

I think I just got confused, right?

Because we had --[Door slams]

Officer: Worcester PD!

Everybody stay where you are.

Sir, put your hands behind your back.

Don't move.

[Radio chatter]You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used --

♪♪

[Lighter clicking]

[Sighs]

Well, they say witnesses can't leave

for another 45, at least, so...

Great. [Clears throat]

Oh, here.

I'm not cold.

Okay.

[Radio chatter]

[Clears throat]

[Engine turns over]

That was insane.

It was terrifying.

Yeah.

It reminded me of this one 4th of July when I was a kid.

I couldn't have been more than 3,

and my parents took me into town to see the fireworks.

Dad put me up on his shoulders.

They started up --

these huge explosions right above us.

I remember thinking, like,

"The world is on fire."

[Voice echoing] Sound hit me in my chest.

Smoke was in my eyes.

Everybody just laughing and smiling.

Like, they didn't understand.

[Clears throat]

This was the end.

Kurt, what the hell are you doing?

Being that close to death

makes you think -- really --

about what's important

and what you can't live without.

And, Patty...

Oh.

I can't live without you a-and your chimichangas.

♪♪

[Door opens, bell jingles]

Okay, it's Monday.

Time...[Door closes, bell jingles]

Whoa. You okay?

Rough morning.

Ye-- Well, I guess that, but, how?

What happened? You okay?

Okay, what's with all the questions all the time?

I-- W-- I don't ask you stuff to piss you off.

I just want to know the answers.

[Laughs]

Why?

Because...

uh, I thought I knew your whole thing.

[Laughs]

We practically spent the last 10 years

in the same room,

but no one knows that I'm buying drugs,

and I'm guessing that no one knows

that you're selling them.

Unless Kurt's some kind of secret drug mule.

No.

He has no idea.

[Car horn honks in distance]

If he did, [Sighs]

he probably wouldn't have, like, proposed.

Wha-- Ser--

[Grunts]

[Metal shrieks]

Seriously?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Um, what does the ring look like?

There was no ring.

It was in the parking lot of the pharmacy.

That -- [Sighs]

Hmm.

Yeah, m-minutes after we were caught

in the middle of a drug raid.

At the pharmacy?

Was that your --

Yep, my friend was hauled off in a pair of handcuffs

and my stash is in an evidence bag somewhere.

And that's when Kurt decided to propose.

Okay, uh, so, does that mean that y-you're --

I'm out. Dry. No pills.

Nothing. God damn it.

Well, hey, it's not my fault.

[Sighs]

Blame the corner-kid-asshole at the auto body

who got arrested

and gave up the area's only supplier.

Maybe this is good.

This whole s-- like, selling this shit --

it's too much trouble.

Bu-- No.

I was close to going off the rails.

My hair's startin' to break from the stress.

Hey, we can't give up on this.

Okay?

I-I can't deal with going home right now,

so, um, why don't we grab a bite and --

real food -- and just talk about it?

[Sighs] I have to get home to Neil.

When he deep-fried the turkey,

it exploded and burnt up his arms.

This goddamn chili.

He didn't even make the chili.

Just a pile of deep-fried turkey

sittin' on the kitchen counter.

I can smell it from downstairs.

I think I know how to make both our lives easier.

We just have to make them think that it's their --

...brilliant idea to merge ingredients.

[Laughter]

My lame-ass batch of vegetarian stew...

And my gorgeous pile of manly meat.

Into the greatest friendship chili

this world has ever tasted.

Well, I gotta give this a little test.

W-- No, no, no, no. Pete, I love you,

but you smell like the pellets at a petting zoo,

and I need you to stay five feet away from the chili.

[Laughter]

Well, how is that okay?

Because it's my chili.

I'm sorry.

Ourchili.

I'm so glad we were both man enough to admit

we need each other.

In a totally normal way.In a totally normal way.

You ask me, you could both do with some more time apart.

No.No, no, no.

No, he -- Kevin needs a Neil.

We've already begun planning

to make up for the lost goofin' time.

Yeah, water balloon fight. Then, "Ace Ventura" marathon

followed by one of our epic games of hide and seek.

Allison, you might not see me for the next 24 hours.

Oh, no!

But first, let's get this chili to the Renzulli Brothers.

To the Kev-mobile!

[Laughter]Let's go. [Grunts]

Come on. Left. Ow. Ow.

Left. Ow.

Left. Keep going. Ow!

♪♪

It's looking at me.

Yeah, it does that.

So, I guess they just assume you'll clean it up.

Okay, what are we gonna do about this?

Chainsaw? N-- I mean the pills.

Listen, Allison, I already told you at the salon.

I'm out, okay? Patty, you don't understand.

I need this, and you're m--

the only one that can help.

Okay, you know what?

We're sharing so much now? You like answers?

So do I.

Why do you actually need these?

What the hell's been going on with you?

I just...

I'm in a really bad place.

The night that you told me that Kevin drained the account,

I lost it.

I went on a bender.

That powder that you wiped off my face,

that was coke.

"Cain."

Ye-- I know what you meant.

Somethin' in me just snapped,

and I made this decision.

I don't know if I should tell you.

Um, I got blackout drunk,

and apparently,

I stole a bunch of oxys from this guy at a bar.

I was so drunk, I don't even remember his name.

It was, um, Jason, maybe.

And they must be hard to get,

because he won't take money for them,

and he said that I g-- I'd better get more.

Patty, I screwed up, and I'm scared.

Please.

[Dog barking in distance]

Okay. I--

I got no guarantee.

But I may have a connection in Vermont.

I'll make a few phone calls.Oh, thank you.

Well, don't thank me yet.

I mean, if this works, I'll go up there soon.

But even if I get anything,

I'm using this pipeline once, okay?

Of course, of course.

I'll get your stuff

and enough to wean my clients off,

and then, I'm done.

Yes, sure.

And I think you should come with me.

Really?

I need a car.

You can borrow Kevin's.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, okay.

We'll -- We'll go together.

♪♪

God, it smells like death out here.

♪ You always hurt

♪ The one you love

On the next "Kevin Can [bleep] Himself"...

I can't live like this anymore.

I can't.Kevin: Allison's cute and all,

but sometimes I think she thinks I'm an idiot.

The world revolves around him.

I really need those pills.

[Knock on door]

Patty O'Connor? Detective Tammy Ridgeway.

Worcester PD.We're not bonding, okay?

They're looking to trade.

Oh.[ Siren wails ]

Allison?

It's going to be fine.

♪ The one you shouldn't hurt at all ♪

♪ You always take

♪ The sweetest rose

♪ And crush it

♪ Till the petals fall

♪ You always hurt

♪ The one you love