Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[calm music]

[dramatic music]

♪ What a woman wants is a mystery ♪

♪ They've been trying to guess that for years ♪

♪ Clothes and makeup and special jewelry ♪

♪ Can't always manage her tears ♪

♪ But every lady has her qualities ♪

♪ In certain quantities anyway ♪

♪ It could change every day ♪

♪ In many different ways ♪

♪ But listen to what we say ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ I go to work in the morning ♪

♪ Nighttime and I'm having a ball ♪

♪ So much to see in my life ♪

♪ Don't want to miss it at all ♪

♪ And every moment that I'm living ♪

♪ I'll be giving in every way ♪

♪ All men have got to know how far we're gonna go ♪

♪ So listen to what we say ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ We're talking to you doll ♪

♪ Some say women should know their place ♪

♪ We say we're half the human race ♪

♪ No matter what it's so you ought to know ♪

♪ Ladies forgive us ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're my sister ♪

[light hearted music]

- Fuck!

[screaming continues]

[light hearted music resumes]

[bones cracking] [grunting]

- [Evie] Hello, Gorgeous.

[light hearted music continues]

Jesus.

I wish someone could tell me how to just once

wake up without a splitting headache.

- You could drink less.

- Thank you, Coco. That's very helpful.

The place looks nice.

- Yeah, because we were both getting up early

to clean it today, remember?

- [Evie] Oh, I'd a just gotten in the way.

- You did get in the way.

That's why I moved you to your bed.

Evie?

- Yeah?

- What do you think about the idea

of having a dog in the house?

- I'm sorry. Have I been staring?

- I'm thinking of getting one.

I mean, let's face it at this point,

I'm probably never gonna have kids.

- Oh, Coco. It's not too late.

I'm kidding.

A dog sounds fun.

- It sounds depressing, is what it sounds.

Do you have kids? No, but I have a dog.

Well, it's the same thing, you crazy barren old hag.

- This new roommate will cheer your right up.

- I just hope she's not too loud, or happy.

Happy people always make such a racket.

- Coco, she came by and she was a peach.

- Were you drunk?

- It was 12 noon.

Course I was drunk.

- I'm surprised anybody would want to rent

that awful bicentennial room.

[stifled laughing and coughing]

What?

- I rented Varla your room.

- What?

- So you'll be the one in the [gags]

in the bicentennial room.

- Evie, I have seniority.

[doorbell rings]

- Bet that's her.

- [Coco] All you do is take advantage of me.

And I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Ooh, she's a happy one.

- Hello. You must be Yoo Hoo.

- Coco.

- I'm Varla.

- Hello, Varla.

Let me help you with your duffle bag.

- My things are in the Cabriolet.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

That's just your area.

[gate banging]

Jesus Christ.

Well, this is the backyard.

- You have a pool!

- Nothing like that first puke of the day. Martini?

- Oh, happy hour for me never starts till after five.

- Me other, this is only number three.

- Varla was just telling me all about

how she came here from Arkansas.

- Right, to become a big movie star.

- And singing sensation.

- Oh.

- Well, you know. It's not as simple as just showing up.

You also have to fill out the application.

- I realize how tough it can be.

But that's why I have a plan.

I'm gonna spend every afternoon at Schwab's Drugstore.

- You know? Where Tina Turner was discovered.

- Except it's a Virgin Megastore now.

- Are people still discovered there?

- Yes, but mainly in the men's room by undercover cops.

- Her plan could work.

When I was first starting out,

I ran into Fred MacMurray at the Brown Derby

just when they were casting "Flubber".

We hit it off so well, he threw a juicy part my way.

- Then he put you in the movie.

- Well, I hate to brag, but acting is sort of in my blood.

You see, my mother was Marla Simonds.

[dramatic music]

- 'Cause of her!

- Here, try this.

It's huge!

- Your mother was Marla Simonds?

- Chesty, on "Fill her up".

The short lived, but wildly acclaimed

Summer spin off of "CPO Sharkey".

- Damn it. That was a lot of martini.

- Did you know her?

- Goodness, yes.

We were always running into each other at auditions.

She had such a bright future too.

We were all so shocked when she offed herself.

- Evie.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Passed herself away.

- Well, they shipped me off to Arkansas right after, so.

I have so many questions.

What was she like?

- Very sweet.

- And a big pot head.

- Evie. - Loved cock.

- Evie!

- [Evie] Coco is sexaphobic.

- Did you ever work with her?

- No. But you know what?

She almost got my breakthrough role in "Asteroid".

Still, there were never any hard feelings.

She even came to the big house warming party I threw

after the premiere to help my friends celebrate my success.

[calm music]

- My mother was here?

- Everyone was.

Marla, Rick Taylor, everyone.

- You know what?

I think the universe sent me here for a reason.

It's telling me that

I'm supposed to follow in my mother's footsteps.

If I can become a big movie star then,

maybe in a way, her life wouldn't have been for nothing.

- How do you figure?

- [Coco] Piece of shit.

Evie, help.

[treadmill motor whining up]

[heart beating] [groaning in pain]

- Ooh, hi.

- I didn't realize you knew this room still existed.

- I come in here plenty.

- Oh look.

Cher Allman decided to drop her last name all together.

- Well, with that new girl in the house, I gotta keep up.

- Three hours in, and you're already competing.

Just like with her mom.

- That's not what this is.

- Oh my God.

[somber music]

[crying]

[crying louder]

- What?

- Oh, Evie.

When I was at Vassar, I became

with child and I had a procedure.

- That's your big secret? An abortion?

- Have you had one?

- One?

Coco I've had more children

pulled out of me than a burning orphanage.

- Well, anyway, there's more.

I was still very young myself so,

needless to say I was quite nervous.

But Evie, when that doctor walked in,

my fear melted like snow when it's melted.

- So, is this your first abortion?

- Yeah. He was confident and kind.

- There you go.

- [Coco] And I know this sounds crazy.

- Yeah, hold still.

- But even in our brief time together,

I felt our souls touch.

It's over?

Afterwards I tried to make contact,

but they didn't give out doctor's names

on account of all the shootings.

I must have the doctor's name.

All I knew was, he worked on Tuesdays.

And Evie. Young man?

That's when I hatched my evil plan.

- You're on the pill, right?

- Of course I am.

Think I want to get pregnant?

I took on all comers, classmates, teachers, my priest.

- Going straight to hell.

- [Coco] My reputation went into a tailspin,

but I didn't care.

I was a woman obsessed.

Then one morning, a Tuesday, if you believe in fate.

I ran to that clinic so fast, I'm lucky I didn't miscarry.

Time had only made him more handsome.

- Hey, look who it is. My favorite patient.

- [Coco] I smiled at him. He smiled back.

And Evie, that's when I saw it. He had gotten married.

- What's wrong?

- I was so distraught after that. Nothing.

I couldn't even enjoy our intimacy.

- Here I come.

- I'm not proud of what I did.

In fact, I haven't slept through a night since.

But when I do sleep,

I dream of him.

[rock and roll music]

[coughing]

- I'll bring the rest when you finish with that.

- Stay close.

- I saw you sitting all alone, looking so very beautiful.

- Thank you.

- My apology for being so bold, but

when I see the best, I have to have it.

- Well, you know,

a Maserati needs much more pampering than a Toyota.

- This is not a problem if the Maserati

would take it's driver where he wants to go.

- Maseratis don't do anal.

- I think we understand each other.

So what brings you lunching this afternoon?

- Well, it's not the exact malt shop

where Tina Turner was discovered by a big producer.

But it is the closest one to it, that had apple crumble.

- Do you know that I, I am movie producer.

- Really?

Well,

where on Earth did you produce that charming accent?

[speaking in foreign language]

- Waiter. [dramatic music]

[speaking in foreign language]

We, we do not bathe.

- Can't tell.

That does remind me. I really should refreshen my perfume.

- So I said, why am I laughing?

We're doing it doggy style, and your name is Barker.

Ooh, that used to be George Peppard's house.

Great lay. But talk about loud.

They knew he was cumming in Oxnard.

- Evie, I'm not sure about this.

- Coco, I've done this a million times.

- [Coco] Plus the sounds dangerous.

- Dangerous? Oh, Coco.

I slam on the brakes, the poor sap behind us doesn't.

Then this quack I know says were injured.

And my ambulance chaser son sues them for all they're worth.

It's like stealing money.

- It is stealing money.

Jean Allison.

You know, they offered me that commercial for Depends.

Lot of money too.

Just one little problem. I don't shit my pants.

- Plus I want to show Papi his new home.

[brakes squealing]

- [Evie] Jackpot!

[screaming in fear]

[metal crunching]

- And at the time of the accident, had you been drinking?

- No, I was sober.

- Ma, this guy's lawyer is gonna ask you-

- Fine, I hadn't been drinking.

- Not even one drink?

- One drink? What's that? [laughing]

- Okay, I'm gonna go start with Coco.

- Oh, they kept her overnight at the hospital.

- Is she gonna be okay?

- I hope so. Do we get more if she dies.

- Mom, Aunt Coco is my favorite.

[ethereal music]

Hi.

- Oh. [stammers]

- Varla.

- Varla. This is my son...

- Stevie.

- Hello, Stevie. - Hi, Varla.

Pretty name for a pretty girl.

- It's also kind of a fat name.

Which is good too.

I'm glad I'm pretty because

I'm taking a big producer to dinner tonight.

- Hey, maybe I'll go on a date tonight too.

That guy who hit us slipped me his number.

- He had to, Mom. It's the law.

- Well, did he have to flirt with me

while we waited for the cops?

- He said,

look the fuck where you're going, you drunk corpse.

- It was more in his body language.

- So, I know I'm not a big shot producer or anything, but

I get jobs from Mom sometimes.

- Stevie, I don't know why you bother.

They all run screaming when they see your tiny dick.

- Mom!

- What? It's not?

The doctor changed his mind twice before calling him a boy.

- When it comes to men, I look for what's on the inside.

- Then you're in luck, 'cause his dick practically is.

Hi, Jeff. You rammed into me today, and I want seconds.

[calm piano music] [voices overlapping]

- Thank you.

Why are you doing so far from me?

Be closer.

- Oh yes, this is much more romantic.

[takes deep breath]

- You see that girl at the bar?

She's a whore.

- How can you tell?

- Whores are sexy. Do you know why?

- Because it's their job?

- Because they do it for love.

Tonight she is going to give all the money she make

to one most very important man.

- Right, or he'll cut her.

- Also to prove that she cares.

As a producer I have many actors.

They tell me that they care.

But a whore, a whore proves it.

- Laurent, I care.

- And would you like to prove?

- Heavens, yes.

More than I'd like to finish those Bob Hope nachos.

- I think we understand each other.

Waitress. [dramatic music] d'armee

[body collapsing]

- I'm glad I could coax you over.

At first I was afraid you'd think it a bit strange.

- Why, 'cause you're so old?

- Because of how we met, Silly Billy.

- What's this?

- Oh, let me turn it on. I love turning things on.

Ooh, it's raining.

- Nice.

- I'll sell it to you for $5,000.

- That's okay.

- Oh, I'm kidding.

I could never part with it anyway,

for less than 3500, rock bottom.

- You know Mary Tyler Moore?

- Very well. We did "Night of a Thousand Stars" together.

Funny story. She has diabetes.

- It's always been sort of a fantasy of mine

to sleep with a big movie star.

- Well, tonight might just be the night

your fantasy comes true.

- Why, who's coming?

- Me. "Asteroid".

- I'm sorry, I didn't see it.

- Oh, you're the one. [laughing] I'm kidding.

But "Battlestar Galactica"?

- No.

- "Facts of Life go to Europe" - No.

- "Tabitha".

- You know, I just realized tonight is my laundry night.

- "Court TV, Celebrities who Kill"?

- You're the hit and run hooch hound!

[labored breathing]

- [Intercom] Clean up in ICU.

- Hello.

- Oh, hi.

You gave us quite a scare there,

Coco.

- What happened?

All I remember is this truck, and. Oh, Papi.

- I'm sorry.

- He's gone?

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

Didn't you get your morphine?

No. But in fairness, the nurse seemed really sleepy.

[body collapsing]

- [Intercom] Dr. Benton to the medical ward.

- Which is just as well, really

'cause I usually don't take such strong-

- Trust me. It's the pizza of drugs.

[sighing]

[ethereal music]

- Dr. Perfect?

[ethereal music continues]

- Patient Beautiful.

- [John] Five bucks, make it last.

- Oh, thank you sir.

My pimp and I appreciate your business.

[calm music]

- Oh.

- Okay, enough child's play.

- Do you have any porn?

- Maybe, leftover from my husband.

- Could we, for a goof?

- Okay. It'll be kind of old, though.

- Oh, that's fine.

- [Evie] And man on man.

- Anything.

- I wanted to look for you, but

I was afraid you'd reject me when you heard.

- Heard what?

- When I fall for a woman,

I become her emotional slave.

- I'll manage.

[calm music]

- God. I had hoped you'd be a lifeless kisser.

And in a few years, when your ass begins to sag-

- But Dr. Perfect, it's sagging now.

- No?

[sighs] [brakes squealing]

[guns firing]

- She's famous, she's famous, she's famous, she's famous.

[sighs]

- What's wrong? Did my glass eye roll back?

I'll fix it.

- [Video] Worry about my balls.

- Oh yeah.

She's famous.

- [Video] Oh, God yes.

- [Evie] Oh yeah.

- [Video] Yes, yes, yes. Yes!

- [Jeff] Ms. Harris,

my drinking has been spinning out of control lately.

But last night made me realize

I've hit bottom, and need help.

Thank you, Jeff.

- Feels so good to make a difference.

- Evie.

You promised to pick me up at the hospital.

- I know, but I really needed the extra sleep.

- No, I believe the phrase

you're searching for is, I'm sorry.

- You're the one who believed me.

[calm music]

- Evie?

Have you ever been on morphine?

- Once, when I had my eyes done.

Then every day for 10 years after that. Why?

- It's too horrible to talk about. [crying]

- I'm in love.

- [Evie] My date went great too.

- What's wrong?

- It's too horrible to talk about, thank God.

- Laurent is charming and handsome, and sexy.

And he really makes me feel like I'm worth something.

- That stain is from us.

- Plus, he is going to give me

a role in his new feature film.

- Congratu... [crying resumes]

[beeper beeps]

- Oh, phooey. I'm late for our love game.

- Take these for the ride, you huge cow.

- Excuse me?

- I'm kidding. Jesus.

[Coco continues crying]

- Here you go, Pimpalton.

It would have been more.

But that football team beat me and ran.

- Get back out there

- But I'm so sorry already.

- Like my heart is sore when you are away from me.

- Laurent. You should write epitaphs.

- Varla, you're coming with me.

- This is none of your concern, my friend.

- I'm not your friend, pal.

- Stevie, Laurent and I are just playing a love game.

I make a thousand dollars,

and then he puts me in his feature film.

- Don't you see what's going on here?

This ass wipe is a con man,

and he's turned you into a whore.

- If you could hear yourself speak right now.

Oh, loved blowing you. Thanks for the tip.

- Okay, fine. You need $1000.

Here's,

here's 420.

- I'm still a C and a fin shaw short.

- Well, that's all I've got.

- Your shoes look new.

- There, Laurent.

I don't see the cameras. [Laurent mimicking ringing]

- Yes, hello. Thank you, goodbye.

The film, it was canceled.

[somber music]

- Varla.

There's some people out there you just got to watch out for.

- I'm starting to see that now.

I guess I never had anybody to show me who they are.

- Well, you do now.

I know what it's like to grow up without a mom.

[inspirational music]

- Well, don't you listen to her either.

You're a man, because of what's in here, not in

- Down a little.

To the left. Now up. You went past it.

- Here.

- Go back a little more. More, stop. There.

- Really?

- Press down.

Try sort of rolling your fingers

back and forth a little bit.

- Oh.

Well,

I'm sure when it's firm.

- Well, it kind of.

So, listen.

How about tomorrow night I take you out

for a great big steak dinner?

- Your mom is my roommate.

- Oh, sure.

Okay.

- But thanks for the money and the shoes.

[light hearted music]

If you're like me, your days are jam packed with activity.

It seems it no sooner am I done watching my programs,

than a new magazine arrives.

And suddenly boom, it's nap time.

That's why I'm so grateful for new

Busy Gal's, Dinner's Ready.

You keep Busy Gal right in your cabinets.

No more lugging open that heavy freezer door.

And the exhausting char of reheating, a thing of the past.

Busy Gal meals are treated with nutri-dation,

which rendered some chemically unstable

in a way that feels just like heat in your mouth.

All they'll know is, it tastes great.

Busy Gal's, Dinner's Ready is sold as a novelty item,

and is not intended for human consumption.

Side effects of ingestion can include cancer,

bleeding, enlargement of the heart,

and second degree burns along the rectal cavity

resulting in irreversible incontinence.

Us gals have it hard enough.

- Congratulations, Varla.

- Thanks.

Stevie got it for me.

- So are you and he?

- No, I need someone with a bigger heart.

- I remember my first commercial.

- Do you have a tape?

I could learn so much.

- Well, it wasn't for a TV exactly.

I used to come out between acts,

and sing this darling song about Dr. Vim's Miracle Elixir.

That's what led to my first kinetoscope.

- If only my mother had lived to see my very first-

- Well, that's enough about your commercial.

[dramatic music]

- [Billy] That was the worst one yet.

- According to my calculator, the asteroid

will penetrate the atmosphere in 15 minutes.

Oh, Billy.

Oh, the children.

[dramatic music]

- You saved all you could with the space ark.

- But what about all the people who could have

fit into space arks three, and two?

If only the President had listened to me.

- As I should have, when you were promoted over me.

But I was just too macho.

- Or maybe I was so busy being an

astrophysicist that I forgot how to be

a woman.

[thunder crashing]

[somber piano music]

[glass breaking]

- [Evie] Oh, mother fuck.

[somber music continues]

- Goodnight, Coco.

Goodnight, hun.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Pipe down in there.

School day tomorrow.

[light hearted music]

- [Female Computer Voice] Santa Claus has entered.

- [Male Computer Voice] Is your mommy home?

- [Female Computer Voice] My mother died in 1975.

Sad face.

Santa Claus has left.

[thunder crashing]

[door creaking]

[soft babbling] [suspenseful music]

- [Creature] Mommy?

I'll get you.

[screaming in fear]

- Shut up.

- I heard screaming.

- Jesus, what?

- I've had this dream, ever since the hospital.

I think that doctor gave me morphine and then raped me.

- Oh my God. Coco.

- So it's a sex dream, huh?

- Here, have some chocolate.

Have some peach sorbet.

- The babies.

It doesn't make sense. There's no connection.

And I cry for no reason, and blame myself.

I've been slowly cutting off my toe with a nail file,

and I have no idea why. [sobbing]

- I went in on a television motion picture about rape.

And in the back of the script,

there was a number for a support hotline.

- Jesus Christ, Varla.

Does everything around here

have to be about your fucking career?

- I was only trying to help.

- I know what you were only trying to do.

I've seen your type before plenty.

Worm your way into the life of a huge star.

Next thing I know you've stolen my son, and my maid.

Well, I won't let you steal my career.

- No, that's your specialty.

- Sleepy.

- "Asteroid" was supposed to be

my mom's big break, not yours.

She spent two months preparing for that role,

working with her being crushed coach.

I can still remember her practicing. It's huge.

Well, little did she know that in Hollywood,

the real killer asteroids don't fall from the sky.

[thunder crashing]

- Still raped over here.

[calm music]

[screaming in pain]

- Coco. - Oh, my God I'm on fire.

- I thought you were Varla.

- Oh my God. Oh God. Evie, Evie I'm burning.

- Cold water. - I'm burning!

[water splashing]

- I'm serious.

I'll do anything they offer, except porno.

- Mom, you doing porn isn't porn anymore, it's horror.

- Everyone, this is Nipsy. Nipsy, this is everyone.

- Hey, Nipsy. Boy or girl?

- From you. - He's a boy.

- No, seriously.

Supposing just for an instance, they suddenly need

a new Busy Gal after tonight, or tomorrow morning latest.

- Ma, no one will hire you.

- Why not? I mean, I admit my looks are starting to go.

- Starting to go? Evie, your looks are home and in bed.

- I think you know.

- My attitude? - No.

- My drinking? - No.

- Chronic lateness? - No.

- Never learned my lines? - No.

- The kleptomania? - No.

- I spread disease? - No.

- Then what?

- That little thing where you ran over

a family of four while drunk off your ass.

- It was a family of six. I only killed four.

And what kind of people have a picnic in their own backyard?

- Oh, Mom.

- What? - The.

- Oh.

- Nipsy.

What's wrong with him?

- Oh, Nipsy. That was for Varla.

- [Announcer] Coming up, Evie Harris vomits her way

off the Hollywood squares when "Has Beens" continues.

- If you're like me, your days are jam packed with activity.

It seems no sooner am I done watching my programs.

[remote clicks]

If you're like me, your days are jam packed with activity.

[remote clicks]

Us gals have it hard enough. [remote clicks]

Us gals have it hard- [remote clicks]

Have it hard, hard, hard, hard.

Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard enough.

[dramatic music]

- It's huge.

[laughing]

It's huge.

[laughing continues]

- I think Busy Gal

is the most important thing to happen for women

since they were emancipated from slavery.

[dramatic music]

- I can't finish this.

- [Announcer] Leonard Nimoy, Charo,

Bret Sullivan, Robert Reed.

- Oh, I heard about "Asteroid". Congratulations.

- [Announcer] Barbara Bates, Ted Knight, Joey Hetherington,

The Osmond Five, Lee Majors, Alan Luden, William Conrad.

[gun fires]

[calm piano music]

[suspenseful music]

[dramatic music]

- No!

[screaming continues]

- Never, dude. You're never going to look normal again.

- Dr. Benson. He drug and rape you yet?

- No.

- Coco. I was going to call.

- How nice.

A girl always likes that after she's been drugged and raped.

- Right, about that. I am so sorry.

- Sorry? Oh, then I guess that makes it okay

that ya drugged and raped me.

- Jesus Christ. I get the fucking point.

Look, you have every right to be ticked.

And I know it's no excuse, but can I try to explain?

- Explain?

- You reminded me of someone.

Years ago when I was first starting out,

the most beautiful girl came to see me.

I felt our souls touch.

But I froze.

I tried to get in touch with her later,

but clinic's records were anonymous,

because of all the letter bombs.

- Dr. Perfect?

- Patient Huge Tits?

- It's really you? - It's really you?

- When you came back after I'd lost hope and married,

I broke.

- I couldn't date anyone without comparing them to you.

- Coco.

God has given us a second chance, and I say we take it.

- You still shouldn't have raped me.

- Really super sorry.

[inspirational music]

♪ Dream lover I must know ♪

♪ Dream lover are you gonna go ♪

♪ Are you real or fantasy dream lover ♪

- Well, to.

- Great.

♪ Dream lover you gotta stay ♪

♪ I'll make you happy all your days ♪

♪ Promise me you'll be true dream lover ♪

♪ I gave up hope stopped looking around ♪

♪ Cried all night ♪

- Dr. Perfect.

♪ Now you're here is it a dream ♪

♪ Is my life really how it seems ♪

♪ I waited so long almost all my life ♪

♪ So much pain it cut me like on life ♪

♪ I'll just die if you leave dream lover ♪

♪ Dream lover I must know ♪

♪ Dream lover are you gonna go ♪

♪ Are you real or fantasy dream lover ♪

♪ Dream lover you gotta stay ♪

♪ I'll make you happy all your days ♪

♪ Promise me you'll be true dream lover ♪

[Coco puking]

- Nice, Princess. Real sexy.

[light hearted music]

- Chester, this'll be where you poop.

That's a good poop, Chester.

God, what did they feed you at that kennel?

Oh, come on.

- Guess who's going to be in a movie.

- Me?

- Congratulations, Varla.

What's it called?

- I think "Counter Girl"

because that's the name of my role.

- "Tarantula Tropolis."

- Oh, so no more commercials for you.

I told Stevie those tiny little parts do nothing for me.

I need great big parts.

- Stevie, why didn't you put me up for that part?

- Well, I can only recommend one person, Mom.

- Well, that's obviously a lie,

because she's practically two.

- I'm sorry?

- A little less binge, a little more purge.

You know what I'm saying, hun?

- Damn it, Mom. Shut up.

Why should I lift a finger for you?

What have you ever done for me?

- Carried you to term, for starters.

Coca would have had your sucked out for a phone number.

- Evie, I can't believe you would stoop to-

- Stop fighting!

Evie.

I'm sorry for the things I said the other day.

And I know my recent success has been stressful.

I'm sorry for that too.

- Well, good.

- Evie. Varla said she's sorry for what she said.

- I heard her.

- Well, you said some mean things too.

- Like what?

- Like she's all binge and purge.

- I did? That's funny.

- [Stevie] Mom.

- That's okay.

I was thinking.

I bet that the reason you're having trouble getting parts

is that people have forgotten how great you are.

So you got to show them, just like you did

in your wonderful special, "Christmas Evie".

I remember watching it that year,

even though I was still quite small.

- I'm sure, not for your age.

- And I remember wanting to meet you.

- Varla, no one's gonna give Mom a special.

- I know.

Even though they should.

But late at night,

when they have those infomercials on,

where they sell that makeup and stuff.

- I could do one selling me.

A specimercial.

- Do you have any idea how much that would cost?

- $40,000. I already checked.

- [Stevie] Plus production costs.

- And I would be willing to give $10,000

of my "Tarantula Tropolis" money.

- Varla.

- That is so generous.

- We'd still have to mortgage the house, Mom.

- Oh, I'll make it back tenfold,

when the parts start rolling in.

Oh thanks, Varla. I always liked you.

- Evie, let's not quarrel anymore, all right?

As a girl, whenever I was cross or blue,

my mother used to say that feelings are like treasures,

so bury them.

- Oh, Coco.

- Excuse me, I'm a little chilly.

Be right back.

[flatulating] [flames exploding]

- I've really enjoyed these past couple of weeks.

- Doug, I have to.

- It's funny, isn't it?

You fantasize about something your entire life.

And the truth is always so much more muted.

- Muted?

- In the sense of less joyful.

But what I've come to realize is that

everything in life is a disappointment.

And in any situation you have to ask yourself

can I reasonably expect better?

And Coco, I don't think I can.

[calm violin music]

Marry me.

- Doug, that's not a very-

- You can't either.

You're not much to look at.

You're no great lay.

Quite honestly, you're a drag to be around.

- Doug.

- Like I deserve better?

I've got a bum heart. I drink.

I drug and rape my patients.

- You said just me.

- And I lie.

What do you say you and I stop chasing happy,

and settle for each other?

[calm violin music]

- This is your college-

- It's a fucking ring.

- And.

I am [coughing]

Michael, what are you trying to do, play me into orbit?

- That's how it goes, bitch.

- [Evie] I heard that.

- Sorry.

Bitch.

- Singing that song always makes me so proud.

- Bitch.

- I am woman. - Bitch.

- ERA now. - Bitch.

- Applause, applause, applause.

- Bitch, bitch, bitch.

- Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Oh God, I tell you, I just.

I feel like I'm up here tonight

performing in front of all my friends.

And you know sometimes all we have are friends.

Like my friend Varla, TV's Busy Gal,

who's so good in those commercials she actually acts thin.

[ring falls to the floor]

And now she has a big movie.

But on the brink of all that success,

she was risking everything by working as a prostitute.

So I sat her down-

- Evie, oh my God.

- Coco. What did you think now? Now be honest.

- Varla gave you the idea to do this show.

She put up money for it.

- And I'm repaying the favor.

If something like this got out after she was famous,

it would destroy her like it did her mother.

- You destroyed her mother, for all the good it did you.

You're just a fucking walking

ball of ambition, aren't you, Evie?

You'd step on anybody, destroy anyone

if you thought it would help you.

But you know what's funny?

People can smell it on you, and it makes them gag.

[somber music]

That's why you career never went anywhere.

- My career was going like gangbusters

till that family made me run them down.

- And all you had to do was say you're sorry.

And it's not that you didn't, Evie.

It's that you didn't know to.

Audiences require at least a shred of humanity,

even from their game show personalities.

- Bitch. - I heard that.

- Sign here.

And here.

[sultry music]

Initial here.

You have

such pretty initials. [giggles]

[music stops]

Sign here.

[sultry music resumes]

Well, it's official. You're a movie star.

- I'll show you out.

[sultry music continues]

On second thought,

[briefcase drops to the ground]

let's really seal the deal.

[calm piano music]

- [Stevie] Oh, it burns.

- [Varla] Are you okay? Do you want to stop?

- [Stevie] No, I'm fine. Ow.

[calm music]

- I'm sorry.

This has never happened before.

- What hasn't?

- I can't.

- Oh yeah. What's up with that?

- I've been so.

Varla,

I never thought, you know you and me.

But I couldn't stop thinking about you.

At my practice, I work with a lot of investigators and.

Well, I had them get stuff on you.

- I don't think I like the sound of that.

- Nothing creepy.

Mostly, I was just looking for high school yearbooks,

stories from old boyfriends to, you know, beat off to.

But then things started turning up.

- Like what kind of things?

- Well,

like things in your ninth grade diary.

- How did you get that?

- A couple of goons roughed up your aunt.

September 8th, 1978.

Evie Harris killed my mom.

I watched her "Christmas Special"

and I hate, hate, hate her.

And March 15th.

One day I'm going to find Evie Harris.

I'm going to make friends with her,

and then I'm going to make her pay, pay, pay, pay.

The rest is all pay.

- That was a brillion years ago,

before I discovered spiritualicity.

- Maybe. Or maybe you still want her to pay.

Maybe just happening to answer her ad,

maybe driving her into a jealous rage,

maybe tricking her into spending

all of her money on this specimercial,

maybe it's all part of some plan.

- Why should you even care?

She never loved you.

[grunting]

- That doesn't mean I can't love her.

- A shred of humanity.

[glass breaking]

Ow, cuts.

My career never went anywhere.

[banging on door]

Hello, Battlestar fucking Galactica!

- [Coco] Go to bed.

- Fuck you.

[body falling down stairs]

Cut.

Cut.

Uncut.

Jesus.

I guess you can't fuck your way to the top,

or I'd be queen of the goddamned universe.

Ow, cuts.

Hello.

- Coco awake?

Thought I'd twist her arm for a lie there.

- Well, you could do that.

And then again, I'm already on my back and tanked.

[random piano notes playing]

Harder.

Harder.

[random piano notes continue playing]

Coco.

[dramatic music]

- Doug?

- You have to admit, this is kind of its own punishment.

- Harder!

- So, this is the stage.

- What? Where's the big block letters

that say Evie, like I paid for?

- [Director] We add that in with the computer later.

- Really?

Gosh, so much has changed since I was slightly younger.

But you always want to fuck the grips.

- So listen, the only trick with this set is

you can't wear any blue, or any color that has blue in it.

No turquoise, no purple.

No, this is important, Miss Harris.

Because the computer replaces all blue with the fake set.

- Speaking of fixed sets, how do you like my boobs? Feel.

It's gross, huh?

[suspenseful music]

[angelic singing]

- Varla?

- Stevie.

what's wrong?

- Let's save the kisses till I'm sure you mean them.

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, of all the nights for the botox to wear off.

- Hello, Evie.

- Coco. Friends?

- Are you high?

- Little bit, un-huh.

- I just came by to ask you one last time

to drop that part about Varla.

- No, you're just mad because I killed your marriage.

- Not this time.

We're going through with it.

Of course, it won't be charmed like I'd hoped.

And I'll always be a little mistrustful.

You made sure of that.

- [Evie] Plus he did rape you.

- Fair point.

But that's just, Evie.

You and me, were damaged goods.

But Varla, at least with her there's hope.

And hope dies quickly enough on its own.

- 90 seconds, people.

Who has eyes on Gross Boobs?

[suspenseful music]

- [Announcer] Miss Harris, we need you on the set.

- Well, I'm on.

This is gonna be like the Mike Douglas Show

and the Democratic Party Telethon all rolled into one.

- Good luck, Ma.

- Thanks, Stevie.

- Good luck, Evie.

- Thank you, Coco.

- Yes, good luck.

[suspenseful music]

- [Announcer] Miss Harris.

[suspenseful music]

[bell ringing]

[erratic music]

- [Narrator] Live, from Glendale City College,

it's "All About Evie."

- Five, four, three.

♪ Look at me then you'll see ♪

♪ All around you it's glittery and flashy tonight ♪

♪ It's all about Evie tonight ♪

♪ It's special and dreamy ♪

♪ It's all about Evie ♪

♪ So come and look at me tonight ♪

- House with a pool, house with a pool.

♪ Look at me ♪

[calm music]

♪ I've been with you so long ♪

♪ I find I'm singing this song ♪

♪ I've had time to think of a way for my heart to say ♪

♪ I need you every moment of every day ♪

♪ I love you more and more than I'll ever say ♪

♪ What will I do if you decide to go away ♪

♪ Stay with me forever and ever ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

[canned applause playing] - Oh, thank you.

Oh God, I love you too.

Oh God, I tell you, just.

I feel like I'm up here tonight

performing in front of all my friends.

And you know, sometimes all we have are friends.

- Uh-oh.

- What?

- [Evie] I just gotta help.

- Nothing.

- Like my friend Varla, TV's Busy Gal.

- Uh-oh.

- Who's so good in those spots, she actually acts thin.

And now she has a movie.

But on the brink of all that success,

she was willing to [stammers]

[fast paced music]

Cat got my tongue.

Let me just drown him real quick.

[suspenseful music]

That's better. I, oh boy.

[suspenseful music continues]

Well, that's peculiar.

- What's going on.

- Don't insult my intelligent-ness.

- I just felt a rush of disorientation,

and a flash of colored lights,

very much like when you chop a Vicodin up in your hash

while you're still flying from last night's Quaalude.

- I'll say one thing for you. You're poetic.

- I'd even swear there was

a milligram or two of silicide in there.

No, one.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- But I didn't take anything special tonight, so I need.

Oh, party!

- I would never. - Then who would?

- Waiter, more cock.

No, no. The one with sprinkles.

[pill bottles landing in the trash can]

- Never mess with a doctor's wife.

Sit down kids. You'll miss the show.

- I can date rape myself.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Call me Fred.

Varla, TV's Busy Gal. Busy Missy Sissy, and her mom.

[voices overlapping]

Lay gate.

It's hideous.

Loud about ta, Tom.

[voices overlapping]

They knew us loud, was he not?

Oh, George Peppard, great lay. But talk about loud.

They knew he was cumming in Oxnard.

[guests laughing]

Oh, thanks.

Whatever.

[voices overlapping]

Loren Greene. Swell party, Evie.

Say, did you ever shit out that earring?

- Trail mix?

- Coco.

Trish. - Keep away from Bob.

- Hi, Evie.

- So, where's?

- Brad?

He's packing.

The firm transferred him to Michigan.

Evie, he proposed.

- Coco, you can't move to Michigan.

What about your acting career?

- Let's face it.

I'm not pretty enough to be an actress.

- Oh, Coco. Lots of actresses aren't pretty.

Plus, who's gonna keep my schedule?

- Well, you could give doing for yourself a try.

- Anyway, you said you don't love Brad.

- I could learn.

- Don't bother.

- Brad?

- And this was my grandmother's.

You, give me it.

- Ow. Ow, ow.

Ow.

- Pull, you pussy.

So what do I have on tap for tomorrow?

- Mom?

Can I come play at the party with you?

- Oh, you'd just be bored.

It's more fun in there.

- Mommy, can I live here instead of

that boarding school this summer?

- We'll talk about it on the way to the airport.

- But mommy, I wanna stay here with you. I love you.

- Course you do.

But Mommy can't let people know

she's old enough to have such a big boy.

You'd ruin everything.

I'll send you lots of money, though.

Coming.

- Where is she?

Where is the woman who stole my life?

- Marla.

There she is.

- There it is.

- Let me get you a drink.

[guests screaming]

Stevie, come shield Mommy.

- No, no no. No no no, no no, no no.

I want you all here for this.

I want you here for this, to hear this.

- [Guest] That is not her color.

- Why I'm not in "Asteroid".

And why my daughter, Varla will never see me

in "Asteroid Two, and "Asteroid Three".

'Cause of her.

- Me?

- You all just think I'm that crazy girl

from the "People's Pick Awards".

But she drugged me.

- Mommy's on TV.

- And that whole week, there was so much fucking.

I know just where I'm putting this.

I forgot to thank my agent.

- Mommy!

- She's lying.

[dramatic music]

- You don't have to.

None of you.

[suspenseful music]

I don't care anymore

But,

I did want you all to see one thing,

because I practiced so, so much.

[suspenseful music]

It's huge!

[gun fires] [Marla screams]

- Ooh, loony tunes.

Listen, how about let's just move the party inside?

Wait, everyone.

Don't leave. Sara, Lee.

Sheila.

Lord, don't you go. I'll switch agents.

You don't have an agent.

No, Stan. Everybody, it's early.

I'll break out the orgy coke.

- [Guest] Heads up. There's another party at Charo's.

[ethereal music]

- Damn it.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

Damn it, damn it!

Damn it.

[wind blowing]

Everyone?

Anyone?

Hello?

I can't be alone.

Please.

I'm scared.

[wind continues blowing] [Evie crying]

[Evie crying hysterically]

I didn't mean to.

All I wanted.

You want something, you take it. [echoes]

If I were a man. [echoes]

[calm piano music]

I'm sorry.

[inspirational music]

Coco.

I'm sorry.

- Thank you.

- Varla.

I'm sorry.

- I know.

- And Stevie.

You, most of all.

Everyone.

For all of this, I'm sorry.

It's huge!

Oh, it's.

Goodnight, everyone.

♪ Look at me then you'll see all around- ♪

- Goodnight, you.

♪ It's glittery and flashy tonight ♪

♪ It's all about Evie tonight ♪

♪ It's special and dreamy ♪

♪ It's all about Evie ♪

♪ So come and look at me ♪

- [Stevie] Mom?

- Over here.

- Well, we're off to Wyoming

for this one's big screen debut.

- Tarantulas!

- She's already in character.

- Hey, Bud. A little help?

- Oh, yeah I got you.

- [Evie] That was very good.

- It was?

- I really thought I had tarantulas.

You're gonna be amazing.

- I was worried you might be upset.

- I want you to have a big career, Varla,

big enough for all of us.

- That means so much,

Mom.

- Oh, congratulations.

- Thanks.

- And you don't mind about his little?

- Once I realized how much I love Stevie,

nothing else mattered.

It's a little small.

- We better get going to the airport.

- Stevie, I just heard. Come here.

[calm music]

I am so happy for you.

- I love you, Mom.

- Course you do.

- Well, I'm all packed.

[horn blaring one lone sound]

That must be Doug.

[horn continues honking]

- Coco, you can do a lot better.

[horn continues honking] - It was never about him.

Evie,

[horn stops honking] I'm pregnant.

- Really?

Oh, Coco.

- Thank you.

And, I'm sorry about the house.

- Oh, this old clap trap.

I'm glad to be rid of it. Fresh start.

- Coco?

You gave me herpes.

- Need to work on your delivery, hun.

I've heard that line read by the biggest stars in Hollywood.

[calm music]

♪ Listen to what we say ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls please know ♪

♪ Always and forever girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ I go to work in the morning ♪

♪ Nighttime and I'm having a ball ♪

♪ So much to see in my life ♪

♪ Don't want to miss it at all ♪

♪ And every moment that I'm living ♪

♪ I'll be giving in every way ♪

♪ All men have got to know how far we're gonna go ♪

♪ So listen to what we say ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ We're talking to you doll ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ Never change our ways doll ♪

♪ Some say women should know their place ♪

♪ We say we're half the human race ♪

♪ No matter what it's so you ought to know ♪

♪ Ladies forgive us ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ Girls will be girls girls will be girls ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're never ever gonna change their ways ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ You're my sister ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Look at me then you'll see ♪

♪ All around you it's glittery and flashy tonight ♪

♪ It's all about Evie tonight ♪

♪ It's special and dreamy ♪

♪ It's all about Evie ♪

♪ So come and look at me tonight ♪

- [Evie] Thanks for tuning in to my specimercial.

♪ Look at me ♪