Original subtitles

(BUBBLING)

-(SONG BEGINS) -(SINGING) One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell!

(SONG ENDS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHIMPERS)

DR. FROG: Welcome to class, class.

I'm teaching woodshop now because everyone hated my journalism course.

What?

Dr. Frog, how do I use his XP 900 double-rotating impact drill?

I am not qualified to answer that question, little boy.

Now who wants goggles?

-(LAUGHS) -Ow, my eye!

(SINGING TO HIMSELF)

("JAWS" THEME PLAYING)

(SINGING TO HIMSELF)

-(SCREAMS) -Hey, Oscar!

(PANTS)

-You! -Me!

(GROANS) What do you want, Clamantha?

What? Can't a clam just drop in to say hi to her favorite boyfriend?

Oh, boy. Look, Clamantha, how many times do I have to tell you this?

We are not a couple!

If we're not a couple, then how come we're about to smooch?

What?

-(OSCAR SCREAMS) -Come here, cutie!

-No, please! -(LAUGHS)

(CLAMANTHA KISSING)

-Poor Oscar. -Yeah.

I once thought Clamantha's crush on him was kind of cute,

but this is just sad.

-(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING) -(CLAMANTHA MUNCHING)

Hey look, a cherry.

(MUNCHING)

Today was the last straw, guys. Clamantha's ruining my life.

She was all up in your grill, bro. That was messed up.

Don't worry, Oscar, you are safe here.

That's right! Wait, what are we talking about?

C-C-C-Clamantha!

-H... how did you get in here? -(GRUNTS "I DON'T KNOW")

Oh look, an escape hatch.

I'm gonna let you two sort this out.

Nice knowing you, bro.

-So, how are things? -Things are good.

-Good, good. -Great.

-(CHUCKLES) Uh, yeah, awesome. -All right.

Things.

-(BELCHES) -(SCREAMS) Stay back!

-CLAMANTHA: Well, hello there. -Huh?

(MURMURING)

(CLAMANTHA TWITTERING) *

Oscar, aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?

My friend?

Clamantha, this is a webcam.

(GASPS) I mean, Web Clam!

(LAUGHS) Webster the Clam! Isn't that right, Webster?

(HIGH-PITCHED) Hey, how's it going? Doodley-doo, I'm a clam.

He's... (CLEARS THROAT) He's quite a handsome young man.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Guys, guys, you'll never guess what happened up there!

Oh, Webster, you're kind of dreamy.

Clamantha thinks my laptop is a clam,

and she's totally crazy about him.

Whoa, then that means... Wait, what does that mean?

It means, if she's in love with your laptop...

(GASPS) then she'll stop being obsessed with you.

Exactly! It's a win-win situation.

Clamantha gets a boyfriend, I get my freedom, and no one gets hurt.

Here, watch this.

-"So, hey, Clamantha." -(TYPING)

MALE VOICE: So, hey, Clamantha.

I know we just met, but I'm totally in love with you and stuff.

Whoa, Webster!

Look, I can't deny the attraction between us.

Anyone can see it. But my heart belongs to Oscar.

You're losing her, bro.

-Let a love master show you how it's done. -(KNUCKLES CRACK)

WEBSTER: Hell...o... Cla... mantha.

Your... eyes...

-are... like... -(SLOW TYPING)

WEBSTER: ...big... pools...

of... but... ter.

Shove over. You have no idea how to talk to women.

WEBSTER: Clamantha, I apologize.

I apologize, and I can change. And your hair looks great.

You're saying all the right things, but it's almost too easy.

Normally Oscar runs away. And he makes this sound like, "Ah, ah!"

Well, I can't do it, but it's really hot.

WEBSTER: Clamantha, that sounds swell, but can Oscar do this?

(POLKA MUSIC PLAYING)

-(STATIC) -What happened?

I'm sure it's nothing. I'll go check on the happy couple.

Oh, Clamanth... ooh!

(KISSING)

Oscar! It's...

It's exactly what it looks like.

Webster and I are madly in love.

Yes! Uh, I mean, um, yes!

(LAUGHS) Goodbye forever, Oscar.

So, you wanna go watch me try on scrunchies?

WEBSTER: That doesn't sound boring at all.

Yay! I have a pink one, and another pink one, and...

It actually worked. This must be a dream. Somebody pinch me.

Go home, Randy.

So, Oscar, how's it feel to be a free man?

I don't know. I've never experienced this emotion before.

I feel... I feel... Bea, give me a beat.

(SONG BEGINS)

(SINGING) I finally got rid of the clam

That was ruining my life

(SINGING) I finally found a man

Who knows how to treat me right

BOTH: And I never ever felt this way before

All my troubled days are through

-Now that I have -Now that I don't have

-You -You

I can bake a cheese souffle

I can moisturize my 'fro

CLAMANTHA: I can go to a matinee

And smooch in the back row

And we've never seen a dude In such solitude

Or a love so perfect and true

-Never been so serene -He's a lovin' machine

-I can finally rejoice -(ELECTRONIC) He can digitize my voice

-Now that I have -Now that I don't have

-You! -You!

-(BOTH SCATTING) -(SONG ENDS)

I'm a clam.

Ah, what a beautiful sunset.

WEBSTER: I agree with the thing you just said.

-Webster, can I ask you a question? -WEBSTER: Of course.

Why are there lasers on your face?

WEBSTER: Because I love you?

That makes so much sense!

-Wow, this is way too easy. -Let's take a break, guys.

We've been in front of this computer screen for way too long.

We need video games!

-Hit "select." -I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

-Now hit "B." -Ow!

-I said hit "B." -Milo!

So, hey, Oscar, you think we should get back to chatting with Clamantha?

(LAUGHS) Don't worry about it.

Clamantha's not exactly the world's best listener.

I doubt she'll even notice we're gone.

My only concern is if she introduces Webster to anybody else.

(SCOFFS) It's Clamantha, bro. I mean, who's she gonna show him to?

CLAMANTHA: Mom, Dad, I'd like to introduce you to someone.

Say hello to Webster.

Ooh, what a cutie. Gerald, be social!

I'm just gonna come out and say it. I don't like him.

Oh my gosh, Dad. What the heck?

I might be deaf and have no sense of smell,

but one of my eyes still works, and I don't like what I think I see.

Don't mind him, Webster. He gets like this when he's hungry.

(GROANS AND GRUNTS)

So, do you like paella?

I'm not hearing a no.

(LOUD MUNCHING)

Well, you can call me a flip-flopping pianist

because I have changed my tune.

Webster here is the single greatest young man I've ever met.

He doesn't talk back. He doesn't hog the gravy.

He's done nothing to win me over, and it's worked like a charm.

Ooh, yes, I'd say we're all quite smitten.

-Can we be excused, please? -Yes, go.

Go be young and wonderful. I love you like a son, Webster.

I love you both, yes. Oh gracious, yes!

What are the odds? Here comes the smooch train.

Smooch, smooch!

-(BEEPING) -Webster?

Webster? Are you okay?

Why won't you talk to me?

-(PHONE BUZZES) -Oscar the fish.

-CLAMANTHA: Webster broke up with me! -W... what? Clamantha?

CLAMANTHA: He gave me the silent treatment for, like, eight hours.

-He hates me! -Uh, maybe he's just sleepy or in a coma.

-Ah! I can't take the heartache anymore! -(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

OSCAR: We've got a problem, guys.

She's locked herself in her room.

We became concerned when we heard her screaming louder than usual.

She said she'd only talk to Oscar.

(GULPS)

C-C-Clamantha?

Oscar, oh, I hate for you to see me like this.

(GURGLING)

Aw, jeez, Clamantha, don't...

-(GURGLING) -Don't make that noise.

I...(SNIFFS) I don't know what I did wrong, Oscar.

One moment, he was the clam of my dreams,

and the next... Uh-oh, here come the pearls.

-(WAILS) -Aw, jeez.

Look, Clamantha, there's something I need to tell you.

(EXHALES) Webster isn't who you think he is, okay?

-Webster's really a... -(MILO CLEARS THROAT)

Webster is really... a great big jerk.

-(SNIFFS) -OSCAR: Sure, you come on a little strong,

you kiss on the first date and you have no indoor voice,

but you're a sweet girl and a surprisingly good paperweight.

But most of all, underneath that shell is a heart of pure glittery gold.

And if Webster can't see that, then by gum, he doesn't deserve you.

Oh, Oscar, you know just what to say.

(MURMURS)

So, what happened to Webster, anyway?

-I threw him into a ravine. -What?

-(ELECTRONIC CRACKLING) -(SNIFFS)

(CAT YOWLS)

He was disrespecting me. He broke my heart, so I broke his face.

Phew, boy, Clamantha. You sure have a unique way of seeing the world.

Oscar, it's a wonderful thing.

So, did you guys sort everything out?

I'm ready to get out of here, bro. Hey ho!

CLAMANTHA: So, are we gonna kiss now or what?

(OSCAR SCREAMING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MIMICS APE ROARING)

MILO: Do you guys wanna see something totally awesome?

I brought it in to show the Chief.

Chief's had, like, a million gazillion adventures

And he knows all sorts of stuff.

He was in the fish army, he was the king of the ferrets,

and the only reason he invented the Hokey Poke

was because his fin got caught in that lobster crash.

-(DINGS) -Order up!

Who's got the flake sandwich?

I've been bringing in all the cool stuff I find outside the tanks

just to show the Chief so he'll think I'm a cool dude too.

But, Milo, you know that's not the way you make friends with fish.

You do it by being nice and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, but check this out. Yo, yo, Chief!

Bleh.

You're the only fish who's been outside the tank more than me,

so maybe you can tell me what this baby is.

-Holy smokes! That's a people egg. -A people egg?

Yeah, you can even see the little baby people inside.

Ew, that is so disgusting!

Cool!

No, it's not cool.

They don't teach you little punks about people in your fancy schools, do they?

Well, actually, our school's not particularly fancy.

Well, let me tell ya.

People are monsters, and I should know.

When I was a young blobfish, I'd go peopleing every weekend.

Peopleing? (GASPS)

You mean you actually caught those huge freaky beasts

that live outside the fish domain?

You better believe it, punk.

But I haven't touched one of these peopleing poles

since I went after Big Blue back in '86.

Big Blue? Wow, he sounds big and blue.

You betcha.

People might start small in those little flat eggs, but they get big.

And Big Blue is the biggest, dumbest, most deadliest people of them all.

The day I caught him started like any other day.

First, I woke up.

Later I went to the end of the tanks, where the peopleing is best.

I cast my line, and it wasn't long before I felt a tug.

CHIEF: I knew right away I had a fighter.

What I didn't know was that I'd remember that fateful night

-for the rest of my life. -(LINE WHIRRING)

(ROARS)

CHIEF: That was the day of... of...

The day of what, dude?

The day of my accident.

-(SCREAMS) -(THUNDER CRASHING)

So stay away from people. You don't wanna end up like me, do ya?

-Oh, yeah, I do. -No, you don't.

-Yeah, I do. -No, you don't.

-Yeah. I do. -Just eat your mush and be quiet!

Man, the Chief is so brave!

When I had my accident last Fishtober, I ran home crying.

But Chief's all like, "Look at me, world! I had an accident."

Well, yeah, but the Chief's accident wasn't a potty accident, Milo.

He was telling us that Big Blue took his fin,

and that's why he's got the hook.

Hmm, Oscar, you were right when you said that making friends is about being nice.

-I said that. -So,

we're gonna do something nice for the Chief.

We're going to get his fin back from Big Blue.

No, we're not.

Bea, lend me five bucks for the check because we are going peopleing.

(WHISTLING)

Can't we just get the Chief a new spatula or something?

Milo, have you ever thought that maybe

there's an even cooler role model out there

that doesn't inspire you to go on semi-deadly adventures?

-Like who? -I don't know.

(GASPS) How about a fish doctor?

Yeah, you're looking a little green around the gills.

Or a fish teacher.

What? You've never seen a grown man sucking the algae off gravel before?

Or a deadly lurking cave fish.

(ROARS)

Really, Dave? Come on, man. We're trying to have a conversation here.

-Oh. Sorry, Milo. -Hey, no sweat, man.

Nice lurking though, huh? Catch you later, dude.

Those are all cool fish, Bea, but the Chief is super-cool!

I mean, like, there's a diff. (CHUCKLES)

All right, here we are. End of the tanks.

Right where the Chief caught Big Blue.

(GASPS)

Uh, Milo?

(GASPING)

Milo, it's Big Blue!

(ROARS)

Oh my gosh!

Quick, someone get a picture of me dual wielding in front of Big Blue!

(ROARS)

Is it good?

Beautiful.

Now stand back and watch the master work it.

I got him. (GASPS)

-I, I got him. -Yay, Milo!

-Don't encourage him, Bea. -(BEA GASPS)

Quick, quick, take another picture! (SCREAMS)

BOTH: Milo!

Whoo! (GURGLES)

(LAUGHS)

(GURGLES)

(SCREAMS)

-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) -(HUMS)

-Milo! -Ooh! (SHRIEKS)

-(OSCAR PANTS) -Yeah, let's trash this place!

(ALL LAUGH)

(OSCAR PANTS)

My corn got tipped.

MILO: Whoa!

-(LAUGHS) -Milo, let go of the peopleing pole!

First, Oscar says I should make friends by being nice,

and now you're both telling me to throw in the fish towel?

-I said that, Milo. -Throw it in!

Let go! Stop trying so hard, Milo.

The Chief will like you if you just be yourself.

Be myself? Who do you think I'm trying to be?

Captain Aquarium or something?

Whoa! Ow!

(SCREAMS)

-(GRUNTS) -OSCAR: Milo!

-Milo, hang on! -We'll get help!

I ain't going nowhere.

BOTH: No, Milo!

There's only one fish we can go to.

Chief!

Hey, you drops it, I cooks it.

We don't care about the people egg. Milo needs your help.

Well, that's a different thing entirely.

Who's Milo?

(SNORES)

MILO: Water! (WHEEZING)

(COUGHS) So... It's so dry.

Where, where am I?

(GRUNTS) I'm trapped! I'm trapped in Big Blue's pouch!

(WHEEZES) Gotta get out of here.

I gotta get out of here.

(GASPS) Help! Help!

Water, water! Need water.

Vision... blurry.

(MILO GROANING)

Why are you making all those annoying choking sounds?

Chief? How'd you get here?

I'm not here, you ninny.

You're just imagining me because you're running out of water

and your brain is going all cuckoo.

-I'm imagining you? -Yeah. Could the real Chief do this?

-(BLOWS) -(MEOWS)

-Oh my gosh! -(BOTH LAUGH)

But seriously, you're not gonna make it.

In real life, right now, you're shriveling up like a dried apple,

All because you were trying too hard to make friends with an old grump like me.

-So, I did try too hard? -I don't know. Did you?

-I don't know. Did I? -I don't know. Did you?

Well, I don't know.

I was just trying to do something nice, you know, trying to be myself.

Well, you did your best, or whatever.

Hey, how about a man hug before you totally shrivel up and blow away?

-Really? -Don't leave me hanging, bro.

-(BUD SNORING) -(MILO WHEEZES)

(GROANS)

W... Water.

Water. How is this happening?

Chief saved me. I'm, I'm saved.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Thanks for helping us get Milo back, Chief.

Yeah, we know how hard it must be for you to face Big Blue again.

Yeah, well, for every life I've gotta save,

there's a fish flake sandwich not getting sold.

All right, stand back and watch how an old pro does it.

This I gotta see.

-Milo, you're alive! -You're here, bro.

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Once the imaginary Chief saved me from Big Blue's pouch,

it was pretty easy getting back.

You crawled all the way from Big Blue's pouch

back to the fish tanks without a water suit?

No, bro. I got picked up by some parakeet bank robbers.

Yeah, they dropped me off here after the bird cops stopped chasing them.

Wow, it would've been cool to see that.

Yeah, well, anyways.

Look, thanks for helping me find water when you were imaginary, Chief.

You really saved my tail.

I'm just, I'm sorry I couldn't get your fin back.

What the heck are you talking about, punk?

-I was born with this hook. -Really?

But, but you said that the day you caught Big Blue

was the day of your accident.

Yeah, my potty accident.

Big Blue scared me so bad I ruined my apron.

Chief, my man! I cried when I had my accident.

You are so awesome!

See, Milo? You went on that whole dangerous adventure for no reason.

I told you, you should just be yourself.

Actually, to be fair, Oscar said that.

-(BEA GROWLS) -But that's just it!

I realized that going on dangerous adventures for no reason

is who I really am.

-That's our Milo. -That's our Milo.

What? I got, I got no idea what just happened,

but I'm glad you punks think I'm awesome.

What say we go back to the Hokey Poke and celebrate with some shakes?

-Whoo-whoo! -All right!

(ALL SLURP)

Yo, yo, Chief! Thanks for hooking us up with these free shakes.

Ah, pfft! I never said those were free!

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey, seriously, I ain't running no charity here.

(ALL LAUGH)

(SHRIEKS)

SNAKE: I don't mind a life in captivity, but every once in a while

I begin to reminisce about the old days.

Oh, mine was a life of adventure, Mouse.

Leaping from tall buildings, stopping crime,

snow skiing, making a difference.

Oh, the good old days. How about you, Mouse?

Oh, well, I, um... ate a whole jar of mayonnaise once.

Oh my gosh, that's amazing!

Oh, the fat content alone! (SQUEALS)

MOUSE: You're weird.