Original subtitles

Hey, Stan. Did you have fun hanging out with the wife?

How was your two-month anniversary dinner?

We went to our favorite dumpster, but it's going downhill.

Cats are starting to show up. Next, it'll be hipsters.

Plus, Princess has been acting strange lately

and I can't figure out why.

If you're trying to understand girls, just stop.

They're irrational, weird, and totally nuts.

-No, we're not. -Whoa!

Dial it back, psycho.

Mason always acts strange.

Today he pasted all his school books together

and called it "big learnin'."

Then he pasted his hands together

and called the nurse.

Stan, I know what's wrong with Princess.

You know, Karl, I almost wore that,

then I realized I wasn't being dropped

behind enemy lines today.

I need to be invisible

when I do my daily sweeps of the neighborhood

with my parabolic microphone.

-Keeping vigil. -Snooping.

Keeping vigil.

And I heard Heather say,

"Princess is going to have puppies."

( gasps )

-What? -Oh, my gosh.

This is the most amazing thing I've ever heard.

I'm gonna be a father.

Thank you, talking plant.

Stan, it's Karl.

Oh, I have a friend named Karl.

I'm really excited to be a father.

But it's actually not my first time

in a paternal role.

I once raised a family of baby geese.

Good thing I had that hang glider.

( theme music playing )

Where have you been? We're supposed to go dress shopping.

I'm starting to think you don't want to go dress shopping with me.

Well, finish thinking that.

You used to love doing that with me.

I pretended to like a lot of things when we were dating.

Like farmers markets

and your Uncle Alan's knock-knock jokes.

Knock-knock. Who's there?

Us, unfortunately.

You still find my insecurity charming, right?

Look, I bought a desk for Chloe's room.

If we don't assemble it,

then we're just gonna have this huge box sitting around.

And I know how much you hate huge boxes.

True. My sister used to hide in them,

and then leap out at me and yell "You're unpopular!"

Okay, okay, I guess we can build the desk.

Great. Thanks, honey.

People like me!

Sorry, reflex. Just a reflex.

Avery, I'm so excited about being a father,

I'm experiencing emotions I don't even know the names of.

So I made some up, the Goofy Grinnies.

The Happy Happies.

And the Mega-Barks.

Where you bark a lot. I get it.

No, I strip the bark from giant sequoia trees. See?

Trying to figure out how you got that bark

giving me the Totes Confusies.

I don't have a gesture for it yet,

but how about...

I just can't wait to be there by Princess's side

when the puppies are born.

It's gonna be the happiest day of my life.

I'm not letting your dog anywhere near my Princess

for the birth of her puppies.

No, no, this is horrible.

Stan needs to be there for the birth of his puppies.

You can't do this to him.

I can do whatever I want.

Ever since Daddy made me vice president of his company

for tax purposes.

What is wrong with you?

Were you summoned to this realm by some sort of incantation?

What is wrong with you? Were you summoned to this realm by some sort of incantation?

Avery's never gonna believe that I came up with that first.

Here's the deal. We're taking Princess to have her puppies

at Chez Chateau Maison,

the most luxurious dog spa ever.

None of you are getting anywhere near her.

Don't be evil, Heather.

Please let Stan be there to see his puppies being born.

And please don't make a coat out of them afterwards.

Breaking news, I don't care what you want.

I'm thinking about becoming a famous TV newsperson.

And now to the weather.

Ugh, it's hot.

All right, we need a plan to get Stan in

for the birth of his puppies.

The place Heather will be taking Princess,

Chez Chateau Maison, is very exclusive.

They don't just let you in.

In fact, the guards at Fort Knox brag

that Fort Knox is the Chez Chateau Maison

of heavily fortified gold bullion depositories.

( laughs )

No, they don't.

So how are we getting in?

We could form a ragtag band

of highly trained misfits to break in, like in the movies.

I call charming con-man.

And you're the flexible girl

who can fold herself into a dresser drawer.

Thank you very much,

but I can come up with my own role.

I'm the brains of the operation.

Who can fold herself into a dresser drawer.

And I'll be the scrounger who can get anything.

Copper wire...

letters of transit, 2,000 Deutsche Marks.

Thanks for playing this game, Tyler,

I've been holding onto these for a while.

And I'll be the sassy computer expert

who uploads the data at the last second.

I've never seen this kind of encryption.

Click, click, click. I'm in!

And I shall be the master of disguise.

Yes, Karl, we'll call you if we need anyone to look like drapes.

Actually, I'm your best hope.

Heather has a massive crush on me.

Really? I heard she had a thing for some Venetian blinds

at another school. ( laughs )

No, she doesn't.

I'm serious. Recently, women have been finding me irresistible.

I'm a late bloomer. I get it from Father.

Mother's sole contribution to my genome

is the ability to digest raw boar meat.

If you want raw boar meat,

I'll need eight hours.

You've got four.

Karl, thank you for offering to help, but I already have a plan.

-We can do this without you. -Suit yourselves.

A Fink only offers his manly wiles once.

Away!

Bennett, I'm so sore from putting that desk together.

I've the worst crick in my neck.

-( grunts ) -( bones crack )

Ellen, you're just squeezing an empty water bottle.

It's the only thing that relieves the pain.

-( grunts ) -( bottle crushing )

We have some menthol rub in the bathroom.

Yeah, but, Bennett, that just sounds like this.

( blowing raspberries )

I landed on purple. I'll buy it.

For the 10th time,

this is not a game where you buy things.

I'm gonna get a glass of water.

Don't play bouncy house on the couch.

Hi, Mason.

I was bored at home.

STAN: That's Jason, Mason's twin brother.

Chloe doesn't know Mason has a twin brother.

I'm not even sure they understand.

I have to go to the bathroom,

but I'm playing a game with Chloe.

I'll finish the game with her.

Okay.

Don't play bouncy house on the couch.

You're not the boss of me!

What did I tell you?

Hey, you're pretty.

Okay, you can jump.

It's your turn.

Blue! I'll buy it.

For the 11th time,

this is not a game where you buy things!

I have to go to the bathroom.

All done.

What?

How? No, don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

Good, I don't even know how it works anyways.

My turn.

No, it's not. You just rolled and tried to buy blue.

This is not a game where you buy things.

( screams )

Big news! Big news!

Got to let Chloe know it's something important

but I can't talk in front of Mason.

( barks )

Your dog is acting weird.

When my sock puppets act weird,

I put them on my feet

but I can't do that with your dog.

I think my dog's upset about something. Could you give us a minute?

Okay, what should I do so I don't get bored?

I don't know, go look for mangos in our gazebo.

I don't know what either of those things are,

but Mommy says I'm an overcomer.

They're taking Princess to have her puppies.

I heard Heather talking about it.

We've got to go! What are you doing?

I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Remember, we're rich girls, and Stan is a pregnant dog.

You guys said I was silly to get this pregnancy suit.

But I told you, when there's a costume sale,

you buy everything.

Next week, I'm a conquistador.

Let's hurry up.

We don't have time to wait for Tyler to park the car.

Welcome to Chez Chateau Maison.

I'm Grace. How may I help you?

I'm Agatha Von Hempstead of the Swiss Von Hempsteads.

And I'm Constance, her wealthier sister.

Daddy's favorite!

As you can see, our beloved Stana is having puppies

and she simply must be taken care of here.

I'm afraid that won't be possible.

Our last birthing suite was booked for the day

by the famous French veterinarian,

Dr. Frederic Monfore.

He's flying in shortly

for the show dog Princess's delivery.

It's quite a scandal.

Mutt father.

( gasps )

Oh, my!

Hello, I am Dr. Frederic Monfore.

You're the famous French veterinarian?

You look like a teenager.

I get my youthful looks from my mother.

She looks so young that when we go out to dinner,

they make her sit in a highchair.

And they make her wear a bib,

but that is because she eats like a horse.

That is right, my mother is a middle-aged woman

who looks like a baby and eats like a horse.

And that is all you need to know.

I think some of the words here are getting lost in translation.

Let's just speak in French.

( speaking in French )

( speaking in French )

I'm sorry, Doctor. Of course. Let me find her file.

How do you know French?

Well, they've given me so much, with their toast,

their fries, and their farces.

The least I could do was learn their language.

Right this way, doctor. Just down the hall.

How did I get here?

Mason? What are you doing here?

I got into the back of your gazebo,

but then it drove away.

You got into the back of our minivan!

Chloe, come on.

Mason, how did you get here?

It's a long story.

First I rolled a seven.

Then I bought purple.

You can't buy purple!

How did I get here?

We've got to find which room Princess is in.

-Bingo. -You found Princess?

No, there's a dog named Bingo in here.

Jackpot!

There's a dog named Jackpot in there?

No, I found Princess. Catch up.

-Where's Mason? -You've got to find him.

We can't have him roaming around here messing things up.

Got it. We can't have a free Mason.

What are you doing here?

Security, activate the knock-out gas.

Why do you even have a suggestion box?

Master of disguise.

Less masterful at getting out of disguise.

Do you need me to take advantage of the fact

that Heather is gaga over me?

You're delusional. Heather is not--

Hello, dreamboat. ( giggles )

You have got to be kidding me.

This is perfect.

I'm gonna take Stan in to be with Princess.

You make sure Karl keeps Heather distracted.

How do I smell?

( sniffing )

Heather, stay on my left.

Someone please activate the knock-out gas.

Princess, I made it.

( in French accent ) She hasn't had zee puppies yet.

Why are you still doing the accent?

( in French accent ) I am, how do you say, enjoying it.

What is going on here?

( in French accent ) I am zee famous Dr. Monfore

here to deliver zese puppies.

It is? That's interesting.

Because I am the famous Dr. Monfore

here to deliver these puppies.

You are an impostor!

I think my water just broke.

No, that was pee.

I'm really scared.

You know, when the receptionist told me

I was already in here, I knew there was a problem.

You are in a significant amount of trouble, impostor!

Zat is ridiculous.

-You, sir, are zee impostor. -( laughs )

I challenge you to a duel.

I demand satisfaction.

Step outside.

This is a closet!

Or am I?

I mean, or is it?

That is it! I am calling the authorities!

Oh.

Or is it?

I mean, or are you?

-( knocking on door ) -Quiet, Dr. Monfore!

I have your phone

and I'm not afraid to go over your minutes.

I will be quiet.

These international rates are killing me.

Mason, don't say anything you shouldn't.

It's very complicated.

We're pretending to be other people.

I'm not Mason, I'm Jason.

Sure, we'll go with that. A little obvious, but okay.

I need to use the bathroom.

Go ahead. I'll wait for you here.

-Hi, Chloe. -( gasps )

How'd you do that?

I just opened my mouth and words came out.

"Pajama bottom."

Sometimes it says what it wants to say.

Where's the bathroom?

Ahh. I overheard the kids talking

about how Heather's family goes here.

It is the best, most luxurious spa in the area.

Hi, I'd like to book a treatment for my wife.

Uh, we're not really right for your wife.

That is ridiculous.

I do not care how exclusive you are.

My wife has a crick in her neck.

-( groans ) -( crushes bottle )

So you are gonna take care of her now.

I don't think you understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

( clears throat ) Is this what you're looking for?

Uh, okay.

If this is what you want.

Right this way, ma'am. Come, come.

Come on, girl. Come, come

Thank you so much, Bennett.

I will always remember you did this for me.

Oh, and give her the works!

Everything that you would do for any of your clients!

Oh, Daddy.

And that's why the Center for Disease Control

had to permanently seal off my first shed

and bury it in the Mojave Desert.

Excuse me.

I can't talk to him.

He's too perfect. I'm too nervous.

I'm gonna vom.

I'll just go and be with Princess.

No, no, no. No. We can make this work.

If you can't talk to Karl,

you tell me what you want to say

and I'll talk to him for you.

You'd do that for me?

You know this doesn't mean we'll be friends.

'Cause I know how much you want to be my friend and it's just sad.

What do you want me to tell Karl for you?

How many mice you can fit in your throat

after you've unhinged your jaw?

Tell him he's super-cute and the total package.

( giggles )

And then giggle like that.

So I'm just gonna pretend we're talking for a few seconds.

Smile and nod.

Now pretend to say something back to me.

My great Aunt Helen has skin like yours.

But hers is from swamp throat.

( giggles )

Is it a problem that we don't have a real doctor here for the birth?

Dogs do it all the time without doctors.

Heather just got a doctor because she's snooty.

True, dogs are resilient.

I just ate something called "biohazard", and I'm aces.

Is everything okay in here?

Yes, everything is fine.

These dogs are about to give birth.

All right. I better play along.

Push! Push!

Breathe! Breathe!

( panting )

Another doctor showed up claiming to be you.

No, you must be mistaken.

There is no other doctor here.

( knocking on door )

What's that?

I do not know.

Let us check.

After you.

Oh!

DR. MONFORE: Bonjour, I am a doctor.

( whimpers )

The puppies are coming!

( screams )

It's happening!

I'm not ready!

Now tell him you're my moon, my stars, my whole world.

And make sureyou put your hand here when you say it.

You could've just told me to do it.

You didn't have to demonstrate on me,

like with the butterfly kisses earlier.

Do you have any hand sanitizer?

Of course.

And I'll be applying it liberally to my face

as soon as you remove your hand.

( phone chimes )

( gasps ) The puppies are coming.

Okay, I think you two are ready

to talk without my help.

Topic of conversation, you both think I'm inferior.

Discuss.

Her hand is clammy.

Her cheek's no picnic either.

( both sigh )

Oh, my gosh, they're coming.

You're gonna be a dad, Stan.

It's all happening so fast.

What if I'm not cut out to be a father?

Dogs aren't like human fathers.

They're not involved in their puppies' lives at all.

What if I don't love them?

Puppies.

Here, buddy.

Say hi to your son and daughter, Stan.

There's the sugar.

You are the most amazing,

perfect little wonderful things I have ever seen.

How could I ever think I wouldn't love you?

So, what are they doing to your pooch?

I beg your pardon.

That is no way to-- Well, that is offensive.

Oh, one of those modern guys.

Wants to treat 'em like "people."

I love her.

Sure, but come on, all the yipping,

and always needing attention.

Yeah. You get used to it.

I just tell her,

"Lay down at my feet and be quiet, Duchess."

Well, I feel sorry for her.

There's my Duchess.

Who's a pretty girl?

What did they do to you? Is that a bow?

I brought Ellen to a dog spa.

She is going to--

-ELLEN: Bennett. -Ellen!

I am so-- I had no idea that this was--

I have never felt better, Bennett.

I mean, the biscuits are a little hard,

and the tub bath was a tad invasive...

but what an amazing experience.

The important thing is,

no matter what you find out later,

you enjoyed today.

Hold onto that.

Stan, they are so cute.

I'm naming them Freddy and Gracie.

DR. MONFORE: Those are our names.

Well, we've put you two through a lot today.

DR. MONFORE: Awww. GRACE: Awww.

Are they gonna be able to talk?

Won't know for months.

But it doesn't matter.

I'll love them no matter what.

Only two puppies.

Seems kind of like a small litter.

We'll just think of them as twins.

TOGETHER: Our parents say twins can be a handful.

What? You're a twin?

Why didn't I know about you're twin, Mason?

We go to different schools.

Our parents want us to be individuals.

But you're wearing the same clothes.

TOGETHER: How did we get in these?

Ugh! I specifically said

you weren't supposed to be in here.

I knew nothing about this, darling.

When a girl likes you, it makes you want to like her.

I didn't know this dynamic was possible.

We just wanted to see the puppies.

Get a good look, 'cause my family's not keeping them.

When they're old enough, we're giving them away.

Just because you're mad at us for sneaking in here?

No, we were always giving them away.

My parents don't want more dogs,

and I think mutt puppies are gross.

No! I can't lose my puppies.

ANNOUNCER: Next, on Dog with a Blog.

So Heather wants to give my puppies away.

I may never see my puppies again.

which means we'll have to come up with a plan

to get Bennett and Ellen to want to keep them.

I mean, who wouldn't want to keep these guys?

They're adorable.

So if we can work that out, we'll be completely home free.

Unless something unexpected happens.

Hello, Stan. It's me, your evil ex-owner, Ian.

I did not expect that.