Original subtitles

AVERY: Chapter one of my presidential memoir.

Today, my journey begins to become the youngest,

shortest, blondest female president since Buchanan!

( laughs )

Always open with a joke.

Tomorrow I launch my first major election campaign,

as I run for class president.

What a coincidence!

Because tomorrow I start as your campaign manager.

What are the odds?

Now, can you give me a turn on the computer?

I have a very important blog to write as your campaign manager.

Stan, we discussed this. You're not my campaign manager.

Fine, I'm not.

STAN: I'm so excited to be named Avery's campaign manager.

Clearly, she needs help with the way the press is hounding her.

-What press? -They're always watching.

But they're not always this adorable. Look at his little camera!

( theme music playing )

-I got this. -I got one.

Thanks you guys. I can get the rest

of the stuff from the campaign bus myself.

Avery, it's not a campaign bus, it's a little red wagon

pulled by your dog.

It was either this or make him my campaign manager.

( laughs )

So, I can't wait to find out who my opponent is.

Who I will graciously mention in my victory speech

before the balloons drop from the ceiling.

Oh, I've always wanted balloons to drop from the ceiling.

Keep blowing, Wyatt!

Actually, you don't have an opponent.

Everybody knows you'll win, so no one's running against you.

What? This is terrible.

Yes, success just falls in your lap, how awful.

You don't understand. If I win with no one running against me,

the balloons will just seem smug.

I didn't say stop blowing, Wyatt!

Does he do balloon animals? If he does, my next question is:

does he have a girlfriend?

Guys, if I run unopposed, who will I debate? Myself?

We need more computers in the library!

I agree entirely.

I also think that top is super cute.

Right back at you about that top, pretty lady!

See? It won't be a real campaign.

And victory will be meaningless.

Max?

Would you do me a huge favor,

and run against me?

Max? Why didn't you ask me?

You always said you'd never run for election

because you didn't want to throw your hat in the ring.

That expression has always bothered me.

Besides, you might care if you lost, I know Max won't care.

She's right. I don't care. I'll do it.

In fact, my campaign slogan will be: "One student, one voice."

Kidding. It's "I don't care."

Max, that's perfect.

Oh, a heart balloon with a note attached.

"Help me."

Nice try, Wyatt.

( balloon popping )

Back to work.

-I'm home. -ALL: Hey, buddy!

-Good to have you back. -The BMX tour was awesome.

I got something for everybody.

Chloe? This is a medal that I won.

Awesome!

Dad, here's a team hat. And Mom, just for you...

Oh, it is so sweet.

Three bags of mud-stained laundry.

You left with one bag of clothes.

Ellis and Skidmark needed their clothes washed, too.

Skidmark's not his real name, it's Samuel K. Wydmark.

Plus, he's a lazy wiper.

Tyler, I've missed you so much.

You're gone every few days now.

And every few days, the house is quiet,

clean, and doesn't smell like tropical breeze body spray.

I wonder if there's a connection.

Check this out.

On the tour, I learned how to make chocolate milk in my mouth.

( gargles )

For you, Mom.

My buddy Red makes them for all the guys.

This is disgusting.

And it's not even a full cup!

I'm sorry you didn't get anything good, Mommy.

I would give you my medal, but then I wouldn't have it.

You understand!

Okay, Tyler, you're going to help me wash these clothes.

And you're also going to get me something nicer than laundry

and mouth milk.

Did you even put your bike away,

or did you just leave it lying in the driveway again?

Before you left, your mother almost backed over it.

Yes, and I would have if it wasn't for a man

calling out, "Stop!"

Strange I didn't see the man

it was just Stan in the rear-view mirror.

Guys, I'm a responsible adult now,

I'd never let something happen to my bike.

Something happened to my bike!

What do you mean?

It's gone, someone must have stolen it.

I didn't steal it, I only borrowed it.

You borrowed my bike?

No! Your tropical wind body spray.

What happened to your bike?

Max, everyone is wearing your "I don't care" slogan.

What's going on?

I thought you didn't care about the election?

I don't care.

STUDENTS: I don't care! I don't care!

I don't care!

I've tapped into a deep vein of "meh."

Well, why aren't you wearing a button?

I don't care.

Hey, everybody!

If you do want something to care about,

why don't you vote for...

a very good candidate? ( laughs )

A very, Avery. A very, Avery.

See, it's a pun on my name.

Oh, that's good. It's complicated without being funny.

ALL: I don't care! I don't care!

ALL: I don't care! I don't care!

Max's campaign is really catching on.

What if I lose?

Look, all the different cliques are gathered around her:

The jocks, the nerds, the theater kids.

Even the group of guys who dress up like unicorns.

ALL: ( neighing )

How did she become so popular with the Dude-icorns?

They're the school's most elusive and mythical voters.

My election polls are a little imprecise,

but they indicate that you're losing to Max by 10%.

Or maybe 30%. Or maybe winning by 10%.

I did say they were a little imprecise.

Stan, you're not my campaign manager.

Which is why you're behind in the polls!

Unless you're really ahead.

I just don't see how some joke campaign about not caring

could be beating my very serious campaign about wanting to improve the school.

Don't worry, I'm on it. I have time now.

My wife Princess is on the road doing dog shows.

We're America's number one canine power couple.

They're calling us Stan-cess.

Whose calling you that?

Well, so far just me and Robert.

But that's how things get started.

We're also bring back harem pants.

Anywho, I've made a campaign video that will turn the tide for you.

STAN: Max's slogan is, "I don't care."

You know who else doesn't care? Cats.

That's right, Max is a cat.

She goes potty in sand.

Don't invite her to your beach party.

She plays with yarn. Oh, that's really cute.

Or is it?

Eww! She's got fleas.

Do you really want your next president to be...

( Stan narrating )

( imitating Avery's voice )

( in normal voice )

Let's put aside for a moment that that video is crazy.

I am not going to run a negative campaign.

Max is my friend.

The only reason she's running is because I asked her to.

Then you should ask her to drop out.

That's actually a good idea.

I'm full of good ideas, Avery.

Check out the video Robert and I made to promote our harem pants.

STAN: ( humming dance tune )

I've looked everywhere for my bike and nothing.

So I'm going to need to borrow money from you guys

so I can get a new bike before the next competition.

Well, what happened to all the money you've been making on the BMX circuit?

I swear I didn't waste a penny of it.

No way I'm a waste of money.

This is ridiculous, Tyler, you have to be more responsible.

Honey, you don't clean up after yourself,

you lose your bike, and you're wasting your money,

some of which you could have spent on a present

for your mother that wasn't made in your mouth.

Come on, Mommy and Daddy, Tyler's a really great brother.

Everybody makes mistakes. Haven't you ever lost something

really important and really red-headed

at the mall when she was five?

I was hoping that memory wouldn't take.

Forgive, but never forget.

That's what I say about the man who put the robot inside of me.

Actually, Tyler, you could learn from Chloe.

Now she gets a dollar every week for doing chores and she saves it all.

How much do you have now, sweetheart?

$450.

What? How'd you get that much money?

I sell mice to the pet store as friends for the snakes.

Oh, sweetie. Snakes eat mice.

Really? I didn't know that.

Well, business is business and business is booming.

Please, if you loan me $300 to get a new bike,

I promise I'll pay you back.

Okay, but you have to pay us back before you spend that money

on anything frivolous.

That's right, Tyler.

No more throwing away money on stupid things.

( laughs ) This is great!

Hey, Max. I really appreciate you running,

but I was thinking now would be a good time for you to bow out.

-Because I'm winning? -Glad you understand!

No, Avery. I'm going to be class president.

-I'm not dropping out. -What?

You don't even care.

Well, true, that's been my life's motto,

but now I'm a high school kid getting a lot of positive attention from my peers,

so I'm going to ride that train for a while.

Max, I asked you to run as a favor, you're my friend.

You should know how much this means to me.

Well, if our friendship mattered to you,

you'd understand that for the first time,

I'm kind of a big deal.

STUDENTS: I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

Yeah, you don't.

Hey, Chloe, I just got a new bike.

Totally customized. Even got a bell.

So, when I'm getting mad air,

I'll be all like, "Phew, bling, bling!"

So, you're going back on tour?

Yeah, and, honestly, and I don't Mom and Dad

would have lent me the money if you hadn't stood up for me.

You're a great sister.

Nothing says thank you like a smoothie.

I'll make you one.

Not in your mouth!

I shouldn't have to say that.

Chloe, you sly taco!

Hey, Chloe, come check out my new bike.

Sure, Tyler, that would be very interesting.

Check this out.

My bike!

Where is my bike? I just left it here for a second.

Someone took it right out our backyard. Mom, Dad!

Are you sure it was out here?

You guys, someone stole my bike!

The bike you just bought? You already lost it?

Don't you remember what the bear said?

You have to be more responsible.

Tyler, we are out $300.

No, now you're out $600 'cause you have to loan me $300 to get another bike.

Man, this is a nightmare for all of us.

You expect us to buy you another bike after you just lost two?

Oh, good. You understand.

I thought we were going to have a whole to-do about this.

I think I'm going to get a blue one next.

We are not going to keep buying you bikes

if you're going to keep losing them.

Why would we throw good money after bad?

That's the sunk-cost fallacy!

I learned that on a money show I watch for my mouse business.

It's called Screaming About Stocks

with a guy who screams about stocks!

Look, I'm not losing the bikes, somebody keeps taking them.

Please, I promise I won't let this next bike out of my sight.

If anything happens to it,

I'll quit BMX and get a regular job to pay you back.

What kind of regular job?

Uh...

Try technology! It's going through the roof!

I can't believe Max isn't going to drop out!

If she wants a fight, I'll give her a fight.

A very good fight.

AVERY: ( laughs )

Come on! Avery, a very? Someone has to get that!

So, if I'm understanding you correctly,

we are going wide with the Flea-bag Max video.

I already made the plushie.

Stan, why do you keep making plushies?

I'd have thought you learned your lesson from this.

Or these?

Why don't stores want those? They're adorable!

And they're not even radioactive like the first batch.

So, about that cat video?

Stan, the cat video is not a serious political statement.

It's just a joke.

And a joke is exactly what I need.

Max is running a joke campaign, and everyone loves it.

If I do show your Flea-bag Max video,

people will think I'm funny and it will make Max look ridiculous.

And you know what else will win you votes?

Hand these out:

DOLL: There's the sugar!

You see that? It talks.

It has an electronic voice box just like me.

Naw, I'm kidding. I'm a regular talking dog.

Thanks for letting me be part of your stake-out, Tyler.

-This is pretty cool. -I just hope we catch the thief.

Mom and Dad will see that I wasn't just being irresponsible.

At least not the second time.

I'm still not sure about the first bike.

I am pretty irresponsible.

Feel free to take a nap while I keep watch.

Thanks, but we're out here for an important reason.

Look what I found stowed away in a box in the garage.

Blankie!

Oh, Blankie.

No! Chloe wake up! We missed it, someone stole my bike!

Tyler, how could this happen again?

And again! And again!

Mom and Dad are gonna freak!

Oh, no!

It's okay, I rigged the bike with blue dye,

so whoever took it will have blue hands.

Tyler, we will those blue-handed people,

whoever they are.

Chloe, you took my bike?

( laughing ) That is, I mean, are you...

Oh, Tyler. Yes.

They're in my room.

You took my other bikes, too?

Why would you do this to me?

I put my whole BMX career on the line.

I don't want you to do BMX.

You keep leaving all the time.

You're my big brother. We used to do so much together.

You got my ears pierced. You taught my how to make mouth milk.

I probably won't use that one, but I know it.

I miss you.

Chloe. I'm getting to be an adult now,

and I'm chasing my dreams.

And one day, you will, too.

I will always be close.

You're my little sister.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Sorry about your shirt.

Hey, how come Mom didn't find the bikes when she cleaned your room?

I'm going to vacuum your room.

Okay, let me know if you find the snake that escaped.

-It's been eating all my mice. -Maybe later.

Maybe later.

-( laughing ) -COMPUTER: And I approve this message.

Which is also not true.

So, when the debate starts,

I'll queue you and you'll play this Flea-bag Max video through the projector.

Avery, I can't play that! I mean, it's hilarious.

She's gonna poop on the beach?

( laughing )

But, it'll humiliate her.

( laughs ) But, it's funny.

Don't you remember what happened to Timmy Sperlock?

One day he wore a black and white sweater to school

and now everyone calls him Skunk Boy.

He sits alone at lunch.

Partly because he's a jerk.

Yeah, but still.

Max will be fine.

No, people latch on to one little thing in high school

and you're stuck with it for the next four years.

Do you want people calling her Flea-bag Max?

She's your friend.

She's not my friend. She's my competitor.

Oh, Avery.

( sighing )

Faculty, fellow students,

and those of you who just wanted to ditch fifth period...

What? ( laughs )

Always open with a joke.

DOLLS: There's the sugar!

Stan, do not pass those out in the middle of my speech.

Now, in lieu of my introductory remarks,

I would like to play this video.

But I can't.

I decided to run for office to start on my path

to helping people and making a difference.

But I almost did something really horrible.

I wanted to win the election so much that I lost myself,

and I almost lost my friend.

Max, I am so, so, sorry that I asked you to drop out.

You have as much right to run as I do.

Fellow students.

ALL: I don't care! I don't care!

I have a confession to make. I do care.

( gasping )

I care about Avery.

I am so sorry, Avery.

You asked me to do you a favor

and I got so carried away with the attention.

I mean, I am an honorary Dude-icorn now. How cool is that?

But the point is, I lost sight of what's important.

Your friendship.

I don't even want to vote against you.

So, I'm just not going to vote.

I'm not going to vote against you either.

Hey, where'd everybody go?

They got bored by your long, mushy speeches and left.

-So, nobody voted? -Well, I did.

You're the only vote?

I didn't know that at the time.

Who'd you vote for?

I couldn't choose between you two,

so I just wrote in my name.

BOTH: You're the class president?

I guess so.

I don't how to be president,

but I will take it seriously and work really...

Oh, balloons!

I guess we get the government we deserve.

Yeah.

AVERY: Losing this election makes for a great

first chapter in my memoir,

since I learned the important lesson that what kind of person you are

matters more than winning.

I also learned that I look great in harem pants.

And... ( singing )

( singing stops )

STAN: So, I finally sold my first pair of harem pants.

And my stint as a campaign manager was a huge success.

We only lost by one vote.

Chloe, it is not okay to steal.

Even if you are doing it out of love.

Tyler can't return those new custom bikes,

so you're going to have to pay for them out of your mouse money.

It's not just mice, anymore.

I'm expanding my business. I've got lizards, spiders,

and one turkey vulture.

I really got to shut my window at night.

I am never vacuuming your room again.

You know what? Chloe's been a really good sister.

I'm paying for half of it.

Where are you getting the money, Tyler?

Well, I decided to sell my animatronic bear.

Who'd you sell it to?

Hello, there, Stan, how are you?

( laughs )

Why are talking animals so funny?

( laughing )