Original subtitles

TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO THE GROOMER.

A LITTLE TRIM, A LITTLE BLOWOUT. GONNA BE A FULL DAY OF BEAUTY.

NOT THAT YOU CAN IMPROVE ON PERFECTION. TSK, TSK.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T MISS ANY FUN.

THE KIDS DO SOME CRAZY THINGS AROUND HERE.

WELL, THAT WAS WEIRD.

( screaming )

FINALLY, A MOVIE WE CAN ALL WATCH.

A HIGH OCTANE ACTION ADVENTURE...

ROMANTIC COMEDY...

WITH RAINBOW PONIES.

- ( Stan sneezes ) - All: BLESS YOU.

All: WHAT?

IT CAME FROM OVER HERE.

- KARL? - YOU'RE SPYING ON US?

WHAT? NO.

OKAY, MAYBE A LITTLE.

I'M GONNA SEND THIS PHOTO TO YOUR MOTHER.

NO, DON'T. MOTHER HATES WHEN I SPY.

SHE ALSO HATES WHEN I CHILLAX,

AND THE FACT THAT I WAS CHILLAXING WHILE SPYING

WOULD INFURIATE HER.

IF YOU TELL HER, I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOUR BIG SECRET.

BIG SECRET? THERE'S NO BIG SECRET. THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT SHOULD BE MADE OBVIOUS

BY THE ABSURDLY LARGE AMOUNT OF LAUGHING I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, I ADMIT, THERE'S A SECRET.

I PLAY THE AIR BANJO.

( imitates plucking banjo strings )

THAT'S NOT A SECRET.

YOU INVITED ME TO YOUR COUNTRY AIR JAMBOREE.

OH, YEAH. THANKS FOR COMING.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

THE SECRET I'M REFERRING TO IS,

I KNOW YOUR DOG STAN CAN TALK.

( theme music playing )

STAN CAN'T TALK. THAT IS RIDICULOUS, KARL.

ISN'T THAT RIDICULOUS, TYLER?

YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY

THAT WE HAVE A BEAR WHO COOKS GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES.

WHY DID I SAY THAT? NOW I WANT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

I WISH WE HAD A BEAR.

PLEASE, I'M NOT STUPID.

I'M THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO POSSESSES A KARL FINK-LEVEL INTELLECT

ON THE KARL FINK SCALE OF INTELLECTS

ONE TO KARL FINK, KARL FINK BEING THE HIGHEST.

IF MY LAST NAME WERE FINK,

I DON'T THINK I'D SAY IT AS OFTEN AS YOU DO.

I'VE SENSED FOR A WHILE THAT SOMETHING WAS AMISS REGARDING STAN,

SO I LAUNCHED OPERATION: KARL FINDS OUT STAN'S SECRET.

IT'S NOT A CLEVER TITLE, BUT IT REALLY DRAWS YOU IN

BY TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

AND I'VE SEEN SOME AMAZING THINGS.

SERIOUSLY, NO ONE NOTICES THAT A DOG IS DEEJAYING?!

STILL PROVES NOTHING. PLENTY OF DOGS WHO CAN'T TALK

DEEJAY, GO ON SPY MISSIONS, DANCE IN CLOGS,

PUNCH GROWN MEN IN THE FACE,

LINT BRUSH SOFAS AND DRIVE CARS.

- THEY DO? - OF COURSE. YES.

NOT COUNTING CARTOONS?

NO, PROBABLY NOT AS MANY.

HI, HON, DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.

SO YOU'RE STILL WRITING YOUR BOOK

ON BLENDED FAMILIES, HUH?

YEAH, THAT IS GREAT. JUST GREAT.

REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

WHAT IS IT?

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TELL MY HUSBAND I'M CONCERNED

HE'S GOING TO TELL STORIES IN HIS BOOK THAT MAKE OUR FAMILY LOOK FOOLISH,

BUT HOW DO I DO THAT?

HOW DO I DO THAT?

- WHEN HAVE WE EVER LOOKED FOOLISH? - WELL...

MAMA'S GOIN' DOWN!

( thump )

SO WE HAVE FUN. I WOULDN'T SAY WE'RE OVER THE TOP.

EXACTLY. YOU WOULDN'T,

WHICH IS WHY I NEED TO HAVE SOME INPUT ON THIS PROJECT.

- SOME INPUT? - YES. I CAN'T JUST BE

YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND ALLURING MUSE.

I NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE WRITING.

LIKE I'M... WRITING SHOTGUN WITH YOU.

( laughs ) LITERARY ONE, ELLEN.

OF COURSE, THERE'S THAT TIME IN THE PARK.

THE DOG JUST DANCED THE TANGO, AND NO ONE IS QUESTIONING IT?

YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD US ONE TIME STAN WAS TALKING.

LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE THEN, SHALL WE?

- I WAS THERE WHEN... - WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A SECOND? I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD TALK.

THAT WAS ALL YOUR IMAGINATION.

I DON'T HAVE AN IMAGINATION.

THAT'S SO SAD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT MY IMAGINARY FRIEND.

RIGHT, MRS. GRIMMONS?

( exaggerated British accent ) RIGHT YOU ARE, CHLOE.

MAYBE WHAT YOU HEARD WAS LIKE SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET

WHERE A DOG HOWLS AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SAYING

- I LOVE YOU. - GOOD IDEA, TYLER. I MEAN...

YEAH, THAT COULD BE IT. LIKE THIS.

I ROVE YOU.

All: I ROVE YOU.

WELL...

DID HE HOWL WHEN HE DID THIS?

♪ I'M YOUR FURRY FUN TECHNICIAN ♪

♪ HERE TO FIX YOUR DISPOSITION ♪

♪ POUTING CAN BE INFANTILE ♪

♪ TIME TO MAKE THAT INFANT SMILE ♪

JAZZ PAWS.

( singing Italian opera )

( scatting )

( rapping )

♪ SHE'S THE POODLE FROM PASADENA ♪

♪ SHE MAKES ALL THE DOGS GO WOOF ♪

♪ MAKES THOSE CUCKOO DOGS GO WOOF ♪

♪ SHE MAKES ME GO WILD... YEAH ♪

TRY THE KIBBLE.

YOU HAVE A VERY SHOW-BIZZY DOG.

FINE, KARL.

YOU KNOW STAN'S SECRET. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF.

AVERY JENNINGS, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK

THAT KARL FINK, YOUR SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY,

OTHER THAN RACQUETBALL, BECAUSE YOU SOMEHOW MANAGE

TO DART ABOUT THE COURT LIKE A JACKRABBIT,

DIDN'T MAKE RECORDINGS OF STAN TALKING? ( laughs )

WELL, IF YOU HAVE RECORDINGS,

WHY HAVEN'T YOU USED THEM AGAINST US?

BECAUSE SOMETHING THIS BIG,

YOU WAIT FOR EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT.

HOPEFULLY FRIDAY, SO I CAN SAVOR IT OVER THE WEEKEND.

TOOTS. YES, I WAS HERE FOR THAT, TOO.

- TOOTS. - IS THAT SHORT FOR TOODLE-OO?

NO, I FARTED.

THOUGH THIS TIME, IT WAS SHORT FOR TOODLE-OO.

CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY.

- ( door slams shut ) - WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

IF WE GO UP TO THE WOODS, WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A BEAR.

I'M SORRY. I REALLY WANT GRILLED CHEESE.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT HIM, MRS. GRIMMONS?

( exaggerated British accent ) NOT MUCH WE CAN DO...

ONE LITTLE GIRL AND AN IMAGINARY CHAMBERMAID.

BENNETT, ARE YOU THE TYPE OF PERSON

THAT LIKES THE BANDAGE RIPPED OFF SLOWLY OR QUICKLY?

- QUICKLY. - YOUR BOOK STINKS.

- SLOWLY. - ( speaking slowly ) YOUR BOOK STINKS.

BUT I HAVE A SOLUTION. I'M GOING TO CO-WRITE THE BOOK WITH YOU.

I'VE JOTTED DOWN SOME GREAT STORIES ABOUT MY MOTHERING EXPERTISE.

REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU AND TYLER WEREN'T COMMUNICATING?

AS I REMEMBER IT... YOU TWO NEED TO TALK.

COMMUNICATION IS THE LEGS TO THE LOVE TABLE

AROUND WHICH WE AS A FAMILY EAT.

BRILLIANT, HONEY.

SON, I AM AWED BY YOUR MOTHER'S TABLE METAPHOR,

AND ASHAMED THAT I SOMETIMES FAIL TO HEED HER WISE COUNSEL.

LOVE EACH OTHER.

MOM'S RIGHT, AND SMART AND BEAUTIFUL, AND WITTY AS ALL GET-OUT,

WITH THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL AND THE HEART OF A SAINT.

HOW DID SOMEONE LIKE YOU LAND SAINT MOMMY?

DON'T PINCH ME, LEST I WAKE FROM THIS WONDERFUL DREAM.

SO THAT GOES IN THE BOOK.

( laughs ) ARE YOU KIDDING?

THAT IS NOT HOW IT HAPPENED. IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS.

BENNETT, I AM JUST A FLIBBERTY-GIBBET

WHO NEEDS HER MUSCLY ARMED SMART MAN TO GUIDE OUR FAMILY

IN WAYS THAT I CANNOT.

I AM MUSCLEY-ARMED.

AND BRILLIANT, SON.

WHY YOU SPOKE TO THE FLIBBERTY-GIBBET IN THE FIRST PLACE DEFIES REASON.

HIS ABS ARE MUSCLY TOO.

MOM'S RIGHT. YOU ARE THE MOST FIT

AND THE MOST BRILLIANT OF ALL THE FATHERS IN MY AGE COHORT.

WE FREQUENTLY TALK ABOUT IT AT SCHOOL, AS DO THE TEACHERS,

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

WHO AM I TO ARGUE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE RIGHT?

YOU MIS-REMEMBERED THE WHOLE THING.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR BE INSULTED,

SO I'LL DO BOTH. HA HA... HEY.

OKAY, THERE AREN'T ANY VENTS IN HERE, SO WE CAN TALK WITHOUT KARL HEARING.

I'M SO GLAD STAN'S AT THE DOGGIE DAY SPA.

ALL THIS TALK ABOUT HIS SECRET WOULD REALLY STRESS HIM OUT.

PLUS, HE ALWAYS COMES BACK WITH JUICY GROOMER GOSSIP.

THE WILSONS' IRISH SETTER... DYE JOB.

CHLOE, WE ALL ENJOY STAN'S DOG DISH.

( laughs ) I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.

BUT WE NEED TO STAY FOCUSED.

HOW ARE WE GONNA KEEP KARL FROM REVEALING STAN'S SECRET?

I KNOW. WHAT IF WE COVER KARL WITH PIGEON FEATHERS?

THEN, WHEN HE TRIES TO TELL PEOPLE THAT STAN CAN TALK,

- NO ONE WILL BELIEVE HIM. - WHAT? WHY?

WOULD YOU BELIEVE A PIGEON MAN?

I THINK I WOULD.

LOOK, KARL WAS AFRAID WE'D SEND THOSE PICTURES OF HIM TO HIS MOM.

WHAT IF WE TELL HER HE'S BEEN SPYING ON US,

AND ASK HER TO DELETE THE VIDEO RECORDINGS ON HIS COMPUTER?

- WHAT IF SHE LOOKS AT THEM? - WE HAVE TO HOPE THAT SHE WON'T.

IT'S OUR ONLY OPTION.

GUESS WE'RE BETTER OFF TRUSTING KARL'S MOM

TO DESTROY THE RECORDINGS THAN WE ARE TRUSTING KARL.

- STOP! - ( all screaming )

YOU WERE LISTENING TO US?

I JUST CRAWLED IN AT THE END. YOUR HOUSE IS NOT SECURE.

DO NOT TEXT MY MOTHER ABOUT THE RECORDINGS.

TOO LATE, KARL. WE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO STOP YOU.

AND... SEND.

WHY? STOP ME FROM WHAT?

I WAS NEVER REALLY GONNA REVEAL STAN'S SECRET.

I'VE SEEN HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO YOU ALL.

STAN, AS BAD AS IT WAS THAT I SAID YOU WERE JUST A DOG,

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD JUST RUN AWAY.

BUT I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE. WE NEVER FOUGHT LIKE THAT.

OF COURSE WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.

YOU'RE THE FIRST REAL FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD.

I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND, NO MATTER WHAT.

I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND, TOO.

IF YOU KNOW HOW MUCH STAN MEANS TO US, AND YOU WEREN'T GONNA REVEAL THE SECRET,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT?

BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY OUR RIVALRY.

I CHERISH BEING WORST FRIENDS WITH YOU ALL.

OR WORSTIES, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT.

THINK OF ALL THE GOOD BAD TIMES WE'VE HAD.

♪ WHEN I LOOK AT YOU I DON'T THINK YOU SEE ♪

♪ JUST HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME ♪

♪ WHEN I THINK OF YOU I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW ♪

♪ JUST HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU SO ♪

♪ JUST HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU SO ♪

OKAY.

IS THAT WHY YOU KEPT SPYING, EVEN AFTER

YOU COLLECTED ALL OF YOUR EVIDENCE TO BE CLOSE TO US?

THAT, AND I ENJOY THE SNUGNESS OF CLOSE SPACES.

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE HUG.

THE POINT IS, MOTHER WILL LOOK AT THE RECORDINGS

ON MY COMPUTER AND TELL EVERYONE ABOUT STAN.

SHE LOVES ATTENTION.

WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE A BODY-BUILDING STRONG WOMAN?

STOPPING CANNONBALLS WITH YOUR STOMACH HASN'T HAD A REAL-LIFE APPLICATION

SINCE THE BATTLE OF ANTIETAM.

THAT'S TRUE.

I THINK... I GUESS. I DON'T CARE.

YOU HAVE TO DELETE THE RECORDINGS BEFORE YOUR MOM SEES THEM.

THAT MAY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM, BUT NOT MINE.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MOTHER SEES THOSE PICTURES

OF ME IN THE VENTS SPYING AND CHILLAXING?

THOSE RECORDINGS OF STAN ARE THE ONLY ASSURANCE I HAVE

THAT YOU'LL HELP ME GET THAT TEXT MESSAGE OFF HER PHONE.

FINE. WE'LL HELP YOU DELETE THE MESSAGE.

EXCELLENT. WE HAVE A SMALL WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY.

MOTHER'S COMPETING AT A STRONG WOMEN'S COMPETITION IN THE PARK.

SHE WON'T LOOK AT HER PHONE UNTIL IT'S DONE.

WAIT. BACK UP A SECOND.

YOU HAVE A BEAR COSTUME?

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

MAYBE NOT TO YOU.

WHO WANTS GRILLED CHEESE?

I DO, I DO!

SO I REWROTE YOUR WHOLE BOOK.

I WAS ABLE TO REPURPOSE SEVERAL CHAPTERS OF MY JOURNAL

AND FILL IT OUT WITH PICTURES FROM OUR TRIP TO OJAI.

REMEMBER THOSE TOMATOES?

I ATE THEM LIKE THEY WERE APPLES.

ELLEN, YOU CAN'T JUST WRITE MY BOOK.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL LET YOU KEEP YOUR NAME ON IT.

I DON'T WANT A LEGAL BATTLE.

BESIDES, I'M NOT WRITING IT, I'M FIXING IT,

LIKE I FIX EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.

LIKE THAT TIME...

CHLOE, I'D LOVE TO JUMP IN, BUT DADDY'S AFRAID.

HONEY, COULD YOU PUSH ME?

I'M ALL READY.

BUBBLES!

I SEE YOU'RE ENJOYING MY DELICIOUS SANDWICH.

YOU'RE AN AMAZING COOK.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

OH, I LOVE IT.

I KNOW. MMM, YUMMY.

MOMMY, YOU'RE A FANTASTIC COOK.

MMM. SCRUMPTIOUS.

OKAY, I'M GONNA ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, WHAT YEAR IS IT, WHO'S THE PRESIDENT?

JUST TRYING TO DETERMINE WHAT KIND OF DAMAGE I'M DEALING WITH.

VERY FUNNY, BENNETT. BUT THAT'S HOW THINGS ARE AROUND HERE.

NO, I AM THE ONE WHO MAKES THINGS WORK IN THIS FAMILY.

REMAIN CALM, SON.

I WILL GET US OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT WITH MY TYPICAL APLOMB AND INGENUITY.

WOW, DAD, YOU WERE RIGHT.

YOU ARE MY HERO.

AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN A FINER HERO.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA GO AND NOT THROW UP.

LET'S SEE IF I CAN MAKE MYSELF TRIP OVER THIS FENCE. WHEE!

YES. GOOD JOB, BENNETT.

YOU'VE TWISTED ALL THESE THINGS TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM GREAT.

IF I'M NOT GREAT, WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THAT FATHER'S DAY CARD THAT SAID I WAS?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ONE THAT SAYS, "YOUR WIFE HOLDS THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER

AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE HER, BUCK-O.

LOVE, ELLEN."

MOTHER'S PHONE IS PROBABLY IN HER BAG IN THE WARM-UP TENT.

OH, GOOD, SHE'S ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW,

SO WE CAN SLIP IN AND GET IT BEFORE SHE FINDS OUT.

WHOA, YOUR MOM'S LIFTING A CAR.

IS THAT PART OF THE COMPETITION?

NO, SHE PROBABLY CARRIED IT ONSTAGE BECAUSE SOMEONE

PARKED IN HER SPACE AGAIN.

OH, LET THE PEOPLE OUT FIRST NEXT TIME, MOTHER.

LOOKS LIKE THAT BIG WOMAN'S GUARDING THE ENTRANCE TO THE TENT.

HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN?

IF ONLY I HAD A COUPLE MORE HUNDRED POUNDS OF MUSCLE,

I COULD CONVINCE THEM I WAS A CONTESTANT.

I'M ALREADY PRETTY CUT.

TRICEP.

( Russian accent ) I WILL PRETEND TO BE TATIA, THE TRAINER.

SQUAT, THRUST, SQUAT, THRUST.

SQUAT, THRUST.

THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT. THERE'S FOUR OF US.

SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO STOP US IF WE ALL RUSH AT ONCE. THREE, TWO, ONE.

WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME TO SAY "GO"?

- COME ON! - OH, NOW THEY GO.

I GOT IT!

HONEY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING, AND I'M SORRY FOR TAKING OVER YOUR BOOK.

I KNOW IT'S WHAT YOU DO.

AND I'M SORRY FOR SAYING YOU WERE ACTING LIKE

SUCH A MEDDLESOME BUSYBODY, STICKING YOUR NOSE IN MY BUSINESS.

YOU NEVER SAID THAT.

NOT WHILE YOU WERE THERE.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ONE THAT SAYS,

"YOUR WIFE HOLDS THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER,

AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE HER, BUCK-O. LOVE, ELLEN."

MAN, SHE IS ACTING LIKE SUCH A MEDDLESOME BUSYBODY

STICKING HER NOSE IN MY BUSINESS.

STILL, I FEEL BADLY FOR WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR BOOK.

AND I'M SORRY ABOUT DISCOUNTING YOUR CONTRIBUTION.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT WE ALWAYS END UP

COMPLETELY IN SYNC.

I AM SO GLAD SHE IS NOT GONNA GET INVOLVED WITH THIS BOOK.

I'M SO EXCITED I'M GONNA BE WRITING THIS BOOK WITH HIM.

AH, ROBERT AND I HAD THE MOST RELAXING TIME

AT THE DOGGIE DAY SPA.

YEP, NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN POSSIBLY STRESS ME OUT RIGHT NOW.

KARL KNOWS YOU CAN TALK.

WHAT?

HELLO, STAN.

EVERYONE BACK UP. ROBERT NEEDS SOME AIR.

IT'S OKAY, STAN.

WE GOT THE PHONE AND WE DELETED THE TEXT

- BEFORE ANYTHING BAD HAPPENED. - WHAT?

CHLOE, HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY OF THAT, AND WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

GIVEN ROBERT'S CONDITION.

TYLER, YOU DO KNOW THAT ROBERT'S NOT...

NEVER MIND.

SO IS MY SECRET SAFE WITH YOU?

FOR A PRICE.

I MUST KNOW WHERE YOU GET YOUR COSTUMES.

THAT'S ONE SECRET YOU'LL NEVER KNOW. TOOTS.

All: OH, STAN!

( exaggerated British accent ) CHLOE, GET US OUT OF HERE.

( normal accent ) GOOD CALL, MRS. GRIMMONS.

WELL, THE KIDS AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH KARL

WILL NEVER BE THE SAME NOW THAT HE KNOWS.

WE'LL ALL HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW WE DEAL WITH HIM.

OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME THINGS NONE OF THEM KNOW,

'CAUSE THEY'RE ONLY IN MY MIND,

AND ON MY BLOG.

HI, I'M STAN, STAR OF FREAKY FIDO.

I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A CAUSE THAT'S DEAR TO MY HEART--

FREE-RANGE BACON-WRAPPED CATS.

( normal voice ) STAN.

( forcefully ) STAN.

( sexy ) STAN.

WAIT, WHAT AM I SELLING HERE?

OH, RIGHT. KIBBLE. I MEAN, ( sexy ) KIBBLE.

THERE'S THE SUGAR!