1
00:00:02,041 --> 00:00:03,671
TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO THE GROOMER.

2
00:00:03,750 --> 00:00:07,580
A LITTLE TRIM, A LITTLE BLOWOUT.
GONNA BE A FULL DAY OF BEAUTY.

3
00:00:07,667 --> 00:00:10,577
NOT THAT YOU CAN IMPROVE ON PERFECTION.
TSK, TSK.

4
00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:12,875
I JUST HOPE I DON'T MISS ANY FUN.

5
00:00:12,959 --> 00:00:15,669
THE KIDS DO SOME
CRAZY THINGS AROUND HERE.

6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,830
WELL, THAT WAS WEIRD.

7
00:00:34,959 --> 00:00:36,169
( screaming )

8
00:00:54,959 --> 00:00:57,419
FINALLY, A MOVIE WE CAN ALL WATCH.

9
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,710
A HIGH OCTANE ACTION ADVENTURE...

10
00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:01,172
ROMANTIC COMEDY...

11
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:02,750
WITH RAINBOW PONIES.

12
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,127
- ( Stan sneezes )
- All: BLESS YOU.

13
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:07,752
All: WHAT?

14
00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:10,287
IT CAME FROM OVER HERE.

15
00:01:16,291 --> 00:01:18,251
- KARL?
- YOU'RE SPYING ON US?

16
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:20,213
WHAT? NO.

17
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:22,710
OKAY, MAYBE A LITTLE.

18
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:26,209
I'M GONNA SEND THIS PHOTO TO YOUR MOTHER.

19
00:01:26,291 --> 00:01:28,791
NO, DON'T. MOTHER HATES WHEN I SPY.

20
00:01:28,875 --> 00:01:30,535
SHE ALSO HATES WHEN I CHILLAX,

21
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:32,825
AND THE FACT THAT I WAS
CHILLAXING WHILE SPYING

22
00:01:32,917 --> 00:01:33,917
WOULD INFURIATE HER.

23
00:01:34,583 --> 00:01:38,213
IF YOU TELL HER,
I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOUR BIG SECRET.

24
00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:45,665
BIG SECRET? THERE'S NO BIG SECRET.
THAT'S CRAZY.

25
00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:48,254
THAT SHOULD BE MADE OBVIOUS

26
00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:50,543
BY THE ABSURDLY LARGE AMOUNT
OF LAUGHING I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.

27
00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:56,037
OKAY, I ADMIT, THERE'S A SECRET.

28
00:01:56,125 --> 00:01:58,165
I PLAY THE AIR BANJO.

29
00:01:58,250 --> 00:02:00,460
( imitates plucking banjo strings )

30
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:03,630
THAT'S NOT A SECRET.

31
00:02:03,709 --> 00:02:05,919
YOU INVITED ME TO YOUR
COUNTRY AIR JAMBOREE.

32
00:02:06,917 --> 00:02:09,167
OH, YEAH. THANKS FOR COMING.

33
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:10,670
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

34
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,170
THE SECRET I'M REFERRING TO IS,

35
00:02:15,709 --> 00:02:19,249
I KNOW YOUR DOG STAN CAN TALK.

36
00:02:20,875 --> 00:02:22,825
( theme music playing )

37
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:42,130
STAN CAN'T TALK. THAT IS RIDICULOUS, KARL.

38
00:02:42,208 --> 00:02:43,628
ISN'T THAT RIDICULOUS, TYLER?

39
00:02:43,709 --> 00:02:45,459
YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY

40
00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:48,332
THAT WE HAVE A BEAR WHO COOKS GRILLED
CHEESE SANDWICHES.

41
00:02:48,417 --> 00:02:50,997
WHY DID I SAY THAT? NOW I WANT A GRILLED
CHEESE SANDWICH.

42
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:52,503
I WISH WE HAD A BEAR.

43
00:02:53,583 --> 00:02:55,963
PLEASE, I'M NOT STUPID.

44
00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:59,381
I'M THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD
WHO POSSESSES A KARL FINK-LEVEL INTELLECT

45
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:00,998
ON THE KARL FINK SCALE OF INTELLECTS

46
00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,333
ONE TO KARL FINK,
KARL FINK BEING THE HIGHEST.

47
00:03:05,041 --> 00:03:06,251
IF MY LAST NAME WERE FINK,

48
00:03:06,333 --> 00:03:08,083
I DON'T THINK I'D SAY IT
AS OFTEN AS YOU DO.

49
00:03:08,959 --> 00:03:12,289
I'VE SENSED FOR A WHILE
THAT SOMETHING WAS AMISS REGARDING STAN,

50
00:03:12,375 --> 00:03:16,035
SO I LAUNCHED OPERATION:
KARL FINDS OUT STAN'S SECRET.

51
00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,205
IT'S NOT A CLEVER TITLE,
BUT IT REALLY DRAWS YOU IN

52
00:03:18,291 --> 00:03:20,041
BY TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

53
00:03:20,875 --> 00:03:23,495
AND I'VE SEEN SOME AMAZING THINGS.

54
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:04,247
SERIOUSLY, NO ONE NOTICES
THAT A DOG IS DEEJAYING?!

55
00:04:05,542 --> 00:04:08,672
STILL PROVES NOTHING.
PLENTY OF DOGS WHO CAN'T TALK

56
00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:10,920
DEEJAY, GO ON SPY MISSIONS,
DANCE IN CLOGS,

57
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,540
PUNCH GROWN MEN IN THE FACE,

58
00:04:12,625 --> 00:04:14,535
LINT BRUSH SOFAS AND DRIVE CARS.

59
00:04:14,959 --> 00:04:16,919
- THEY DO?
- OF COURSE. YES.

60
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,710
NOT COUNTING CARTOONS?

61
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,792
NO, PROBABLY NOT AS MANY.

62
00:04:23,917 --> 00:04:25,667
HI, HON, DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.

63
00:04:25,750 --> 00:04:27,580
SO YOU'RE STILL WRITING YOUR BOOK

64
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,457
ON BLENDED FAMILIES, HUH?

65
00:04:29,542 --> 00:04:33,002
YEAH, THAT IS GREAT. JUST GREAT.

66
00:04:33,917 --> 00:04:35,497
REALLY, REALLY GREAT.

67
00:04:36,834 --> 00:04:37,924
WHAT IS IT?

68
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,960
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO TELL MY HUSBAND I'M CONCERNED

69
00:04:41,041 --> 00:04:44,081
HE'S GOING TO TELL STORIES IN HIS BOOK
THAT MAKE OUR FAMILY LOOK FOOLISH,

70
00:04:44,166 --> 00:04:45,496
BUT HOW DO I DO THAT?

71
00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:48,793
HOW DO I DO THAT?

72
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,500
- WHEN HAVE WE EVER LOOKED FOOLISH?
- WELL...

73
00:05:14,667 --> 00:05:16,287
MAMA'S GOIN' DOWN!

74
00:05:16,458 --> 00:05:17,748
( thump )

75
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:21,384
SO WE HAVE FUN. I WOULDN'T SAY
WE'RE OVER THE TOP.

76
00:05:21,458 --> 00:05:23,128
EXACTLY. YOU WOULDN'T,

77
00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:25,998
WHICH IS WHY I NEED TO HAVE
SOME INPUT ON THIS PROJECT.

78
00:05:26,083 --> 00:05:28,383
- SOME INPUT?
- YES. I CAN'T JUST BE

79
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,708
YOUR BEAUTIFUL AND ALLURING MUSE.

80
00:05:31,583 --> 00:05:33,213
I NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN THE WRITING.

81
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,787
LIKE I'M... WRITING SHOTGUN WITH YOU.

82
00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:38,415
( laughs ) LITERARY ONE, ELLEN.

83
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,290
OF COURSE, THERE'S THAT TIME IN THE PARK.

84
00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:17,918
THE DOG JUST DANCED THE TANGO,
AND NO ONE IS QUESTIONING IT?

85
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,460
YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD US
ONE TIME STAN WAS TALKING.

86
00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,252
LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE THEN, SHALL WE?

87
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:27,378
- I WAS THERE WHEN...
- WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

88
00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,708
WOULD YOU GIVE ME A SECOND?
I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD TALK.

89
00:06:40,417 --> 00:06:42,037
THAT WAS ALL YOUR IMAGINATION.

90
00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:43,705
I DON'T HAVE AN IMAGINATION.

91
00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,130
THAT'S SO SAD.

92
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,628
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND.

93
00:06:48,750 --> 00:06:49,920
RIGHT, MRS. GRIMMONS?

94
00:06:50,208 --> 00:06:52,998
( exaggerated British accent )
RIGHT YOU ARE, CHLOE.

95
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,710
MAYBE WHAT YOU HEARD
WAS LIKE SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET

96
00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:00,082
WHERE A DOG HOWLS AND IT
SOUNDS LIKE HE'S SAYING

97
00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:03,206
- I LOVE YOU.
- GOOD IDEA, TYLER. I MEAN...

98
00:07:03,458 --> 00:07:06,328
YEAH, THAT COULD BE IT. LIKE THIS.

99
00:07:06,583 --> 00:07:08,213
I ROVE YOU.

100
00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:10,791
All: I ROVE YOU.

101
00:07:12,291 --> 00:07:14,131
WELL...

102
00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:16,748
DID HE HOWL WHEN HE DID THIS?

103
00:07:16,834 --> 00:07:18,794
♪ I'M YOUR FURRY FUN TECHNICIAN ♪

104
00:07:18,875 --> 00:07:20,915
♪ HERE TO FIX YOUR DISPOSITION ♪

105
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,708
♪ POUTING CAN BE INFANTILE ♪

106
00:07:23,792 --> 00:07:29,672
♪ TIME TO MAKE THAT INFANT SMILE ♪

107
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:31,830
JAZZ PAWS.

108
00:07:32,917 --> 00:07:36,037
( singing Italian opera )

109
00:07:41,709 --> 00:07:43,749
( scatting )

110
00:07:46,625 --> 00:07:50,665
( rapping )

111
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:57,542
♪ SHE'S THE POODLE FROM PASADENA ♪

112
00:07:57,625 --> 00:08:01,325
♪ SHE MAKES ALL THE DOGS GO WOOF ♪

113
00:08:01,417 --> 00:08:04,667
♪ MAKES THOSE CUCKOO DOGS GO WOOF ♪

114
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:09,500
♪ SHE MAKES ME GO WILD... YEAH ♪

115
00:08:09,625 --> 00:08:10,955
TRY THE KIBBLE.

116
00:08:12,750 --> 00:08:15,540
YOU HAVE A VERY SHOW-BIZZY DOG.

117
00:08:16,291 --> 00:08:17,671
FINE, KARL.

118
00:08:17,959 --> 00:08:21,289
YOU KNOW STAN'S SECRET.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF.

119
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:24,205
AVERY JENNINGS, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK

120
00:08:24,291 --> 00:08:27,001
THAT KARL FINK, YOUR
SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY,

121
00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:29,173
OTHER THAN RACQUETBALL,
BECAUSE YOU SOMEHOW MANAGE

122
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:31,080
TO DART ABOUT THE COURT LIKE A JACKRABBIT,

123
00:08:32,041 --> 00:08:35,751
DIDN'T MAKE RECORDINGS OF STAN TALKING?
( laughs )

124
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,294
WELL, IF YOU HAVE RECORDINGS,

125
00:08:37,375 --> 00:08:39,495
WHY HAVEN'T YOU USED THEM AGAINST US?

126
00:08:39,583 --> 00:08:41,293
BECAUSE SOMETHING THIS BIG,

127
00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:44,205
YOU WAIT FOR EXACTLY THE RIGHT MOMENT.

128
00:08:44,709 --> 00:08:47,539
HOPEFULLY FRIDAY, SO I CAN SAVOR IT
OVER THE WEEKEND.

129
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:51,455
TOOTS. YES, I WAS HERE FOR THAT, TOO.

130
00:08:51,542 --> 00:08:53,962
- TOOTS.
- IS THAT SHORT FOR TOODLE-OO?

131
00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:55,133
NO, I FARTED.

132
00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:58,536
THOUGH THIS TIME,
IT WAS SHORT FOR TOODLE-OO.

133
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,415
CONSIDER YOURSELVES LUCKY.

134
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,920
- ( door slams shut )
- WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

135
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,710
IF WE GO UP TO THE WOODS,
WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND A BEAR.

136
00:09:07,542 --> 00:09:09,422
I'M SORRY. I REALLY WANT GRILLED CHEESE.

137
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:13,504
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
ABOUT HIM, MRS. GRIMMONS?

138
00:09:14,125 --> 00:09:16,535
( exaggerated British accent )
NOT MUCH WE CAN DO...

139
00:09:16,625 --> 00:09:20,535
ONE LITTLE GIRL
AND AN IMAGINARY CHAMBERMAID.

140
00:09:24,875 --> 00:09:27,375
BENNETT, ARE YOU THE TYPE OF PERSON

141
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,170
THAT LIKES THE BANDAGE
RIPPED OFF SLOWLY OR QUICKLY?

142
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:31,500
- QUICKLY.
- YOUR BOOK STINKS.

143
00:09:32,792 --> 00:09:36,542
- SLOWLY.
- ( speaking slowly ) YOUR BOOK STINKS.

144
00:09:37,208 --> 00:09:40,498
BUT I HAVE A SOLUTION.
I'M GOING TO CO-WRITE THE BOOK WITH YOU.

145
00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:43,503
I'VE JOTTED DOWN SOME GREAT STORIES
ABOUT MY MOTHERING EXPERTISE.

146
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,753
REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU AND TYLER WEREN'T
COMMUNICATING?

147
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:50,537
AS I REMEMBER IT...
YOU TWO NEED TO TALK.

148
00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:52,915
COMMUNICATION IS THE LEGS
TO THE LOVE TABLE

149
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,880
AROUND WHICH WE AS A FAMILY EAT.

150
00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:56,379
BRILLIANT, HONEY.

151
00:09:58,291 --> 00:10:00,921
SON, I AM AWED BY
YOUR MOTHER'S TABLE METAPHOR,

152
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,330
AND ASHAMED THAT I SOMETIMES
FAIL TO HEED HER WISE COUNSEL.

153
00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:05,417
LOVE EACH OTHER.

154
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:11,785
MOM'S RIGHT, AND SMART AND BEAUTIFUL,
AND WITTY AS ALL GET-OUT,

155
00:10:11,875 --> 00:10:14,125
WITH THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL
AND THE HEART OF A SAINT.

156
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,330
HOW DID SOMEONE LIKE YOU LAND SAINT MOMMY?

157
00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:20,127
DON'T PINCH ME, LEST I WAKE
FROM THIS WONDERFUL DREAM.

158
00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:22,791
SO THAT GOES IN THE BOOK.

159
00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:25,205
( laughs ) ARE YOU KIDDING?

160
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,631
THAT IS NOT HOW IT HAPPENED.
IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS.

161
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:29,920
BENNETT, I AM JUST A FLIBBERTY-GIBBET

162
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,790
WHO NEEDS HER MUSCLY ARMED
SMART MAN TO GUIDE OUR FAMILY

163
00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:34,455
IN WAYS THAT I CANNOT.

164
00:10:34,542 --> 00:10:36,042
I AM MUSCLEY-ARMED.

165
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:39,424
AND BRILLIANT, SON.

166
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:43,710
WHY YOU SPOKE TO THE FLIBBERTY-GIBBET
IN THE FIRST PLACE DEFIES REASON.

167
00:10:43,792 --> 00:10:45,502
HIS ABS ARE MUSCLY TOO.

168
00:10:47,291 --> 00:10:49,331
MOM'S RIGHT. YOU ARE THE MOST FIT

169
00:10:49,417 --> 00:10:51,957
AND THE MOST BRILLIANT OF
ALL THE FATHERS IN MY AGE COHORT.

170
00:10:52,125 --> 00:10:54,375
WE FREQUENTLY TALK ABOUT IT AT SCHOOL,
AS DO THE TEACHERS,

171
00:10:54,458 --> 00:10:55,668
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

172
00:10:55,750 --> 00:10:58,250
WHO AM I TO ARGUE
WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE RIGHT?

173
00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:02,328
YOU MIS-REMEMBERED THE WHOLE THING.

174
00:11:02,417 --> 00:11:04,667
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
TO LAUGH OR BE INSULTED,

175
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:07,130
SO I'LL DO BOTH. HA HA... HEY.

176
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:14,830
OKAY, THERE AREN'T ANY VENTS IN HERE,
SO WE CAN TALK WITHOUT KARL HEARING.

177
00:11:14,917 --> 00:11:17,247
I'M SO GLAD STAN'S AT THE DOGGIE DAY SPA.

178
00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:19,713
ALL THIS TALK ABOUT HIS SECRET WOULD
REALLY STRESS HIM OUT.

179
00:11:19,792 --> 00:11:23,422
PLUS, HE ALWAYS COMES BACK
WITH JUICY GROOMER GOSSIP.

180
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:26,710
THE WILSONS' IRISH SETTER... DYE JOB.

181
00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:30,253
CHLOE, WE ALL ENJOY STAN'S DOG DISH.

182
00:11:30,542 --> 00:11:33,462
( laughs ) I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.

183
00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:35,633
BUT WE NEED TO STAY FOCUSED.

184
00:11:35,709 --> 00:11:38,629
HOW ARE WE GONNA KEEP KARL
FROM REVEALING STAN'S SECRET?

185
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:41,879
I KNOW. WHAT IF WE COVER
KARL WITH PIGEON FEATHERS?

186
00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:44,289
THEN, WHEN HE TRIES TO
TELL PEOPLE THAT STAN CAN TALK,

187
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:46,665
- NO ONE WILL BELIEVE HIM.
- WHAT? WHY?

188
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,380
WOULD YOU BELIEVE A PIGEON MAN?

189
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,002
I THINK I WOULD.

190
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:56,040
LOOK, KARL WAS AFRAID WE'D SEND
THOSE PICTURES OF HIM TO HIS MOM.

191
00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:59,125
WHAT IF WE TELL HER
HE'S BEEN SPYING ON US,

192
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:01,788
AND ASK HER TO DELETE THE VIDEO RECORDINGS
ON HIS COMPUTER?

193
00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:04,375
- WHAT IF SHE LOOKS AT THEM?
- WE HAVE TO HOPE THAT SHE WON'T.

194
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:05,788
IT'S OUR ONLY OPTION.

195
00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:07,785
GUESS WE'RE BETTER OFF TRUSTING KARL'S MOM

196
00:12:07,875 --> 00:12:09,915
TO DESTROY THE RECORDINGS
THAN WE ARE TRUSTING KARL.

197
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,920
- STOP!
- ( all screaming )

198
00:12:13,959 --> 00:12:15,499
YOU WERE LISTENING TO US?

199
00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:18,383
I JUST CRAWLED IN AT THE END.
YOUR HOUSE IS NOT SECURE.

200
00:12:19,166 --> 00:12:21,786
DO NOT TEXT MY MOTHER
ABOUT THE RECORDINGS.

201
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,955
TOO LATE, KARL.
WE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO STOP YOU.

202
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:26,957
AND... SEND.

203
00:12:27,041 --> 00:12:29,041
WHY? STOP ME FROM WHAT?

204
00:12:29,125 --> 00:12:31,665
I WAS NEVER REALLY
GONNA REVEAL STAN'S SECRET.

205
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:33,630
I'VE SEEN HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO YOU ALL.

206
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:36,669
STAN, AS BAD AS IT WAS
THAT I SAID YOU WERE JUST A DOG,

207
00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:38,580
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD JUST RUN AWAY.

208
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:41,497
BUT I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE.
WE NEVER FOUGHT LIKE THAT.

209
00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:43,133
OF COURSE WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.

210
00:12:43,208 --> 00:12:45,208
YOU'RE THE FIRST REAL
FRIEND I'VE EVER HAD.

211
00:12:48,208 --> 00:12:51,168
I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND,
NO MATTER WHAT.

212
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:53,000
I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND, TOO.

213
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:03,290
IF YOU KNOW HOW MUCH STAN MEANS TO US,
AND YOU WEREN'T GONNA REVEAL THE SECRET,

214
00:13:03,417 --> 00:13:04,787
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT?

215
00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:06,745
BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY OUR RIVALRY.

216
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:09,504
I CHERISH BEING
WORST FRIENDS WITH YOU ALL.

217
00:13:09,625 --> 00:13:11,535
OR WORSTIES, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT.

218
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,577
THINK OF ALL THE GOOD BAD TIMES WE'VE HAD.

219
00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:17,625
♪ WHEN I LOOK AT YOU
I DON'T THINK YOU SEE ♪

220
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:22,539
♪ JUST HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME ♪

221
00:13:22,625 --> 00:13:26,535
♪ WHEN I THINK OF YOU
I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW ♪

222
00:13:26,625 --> 00:13:30,495
♪ JUST HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU SO ♪

223
00:13:30,583 --> 00:13:35,253
♪ JUST HOW MUCH I LIKE YOU SO ♪

224
00:13:37,458 --> 00:13:39,498
OKAY.

225
00:13:39,583 --> 00:13:42,173
IS THAT WHY YOU KEPT SPYING, EVEN AFTER

226
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:45,080
YOU COLLECTED ALL OF YOUR EVIDENCE
TO BE CLOSE TO US?

227
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,786
THAT, AND I ENJOY THE SNUGNESS
OF CLOSE SPACES.

228
00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:49,205
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE HUG.

229
00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:52,421
THE POINT IS, MOTHER WILL
LOOK AT THE RECORDINGS

230
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,330
ON MY COMPUTER AND TELL
EVERYONE ABOUT STAN.

231
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,627
SHE LOVES ATTENTION.

232
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,919
WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE
A BODY-BUILDING STRONG WOMAN?

233
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,630
STOPPING CANNONBALLS WITH YOUR STOMACH
HASN'T HAD A REAL-LIFE APPLICATION

234
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,329
SINCE THE BATTLE OF ANTIETAM.

235
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:04,830
THAT'S TRUE.

236
00:14:04,917 --> 00:14:06,877
I THINK... I GUESS. I DON'T CARE.

237
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:10,002
YOU HAVE TO DELETE THE RECORDINGS BEFORE
YOUR MOM SEES THEM.

238
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,713
THAT MAY SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM,
BUT NOT MINE.

239
00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:13,582
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MOTHER
SEES THOSE PICTURES

240
00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:16,577
OF ME IN THE VENTS SPYING AND CHILLAXING?

241
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:19,707
THOSE RECORDINGS OF STAN
ARE THE ONLY ASSURANCE I HAVE

242
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:22,042
THAT YOU'LL HELP ME GET THAT TEXT MESSAGE
OFF HER PHONE.

243
00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:24,415
FINE. WE'LL HELP YOU DELETE THE MESSAGE.

244
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,830
EXCELLENT. WE HAVE
A SMALL WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY.

245
00:14:26,917 --> 00:14:29,417
MOTHER'S COMPETING AT A STRONG WOMEN'S
COMPETITION IN THE PARK.

246
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:31,000
SHE WON'T LOOK AT
HER PHONE UNTIL IT'S DONE.

247
00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:32,253
WAIT. BACK UP A SECOND.

248
00:14:32,875 --> 00:14:34,245
YOU HAVE A BEAR COSTUME?

249
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,380
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

250
00:14:37,625 --> 00:14:38,745
MAYBE NOT TO YOU.

251
00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,995
WHO WANTS GRILLED CHEESE?

252
00:14:43,125 --> 00:14:44,665
I DO, I DO!

253
00:14:52,417 --> 00:14:55,167
SO I REWROTE YOUR WHOLE BOOK.

254
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:58,634
I WAS ABLE TO REPURPOSE
SEVERAL CHAPTERS OF MY JOURNAL

255
00:14:58,709 --> 00:15:01,129
AND FILL IT OUT WITH PICTURES
FROM OUR TRIP TO OJAI.

256
00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:03,208
REMEMBER THOSE TOMATOES?

257
00:15:03,291 --> 00:15:05,001
I ATE THEM LIKE THEY WERE APPLES.

258
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,540
ELLEN, YOU CAN'T JUST WRITE MY BOOK.

259
00:15:08,625 --> 00:15:10,495
DON'T WORRY, I'LL LET YOU
KEEP YOUR NAME ON IT.

260
00:15:10,583 --> 00:15:11,963
I DON'T WANT A LEGAL BATTLE.

261
00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:15,463
BESIDES, I'M NOT
WRITING IT, I'M FIXING IT,

262
00:15:15,542 --> 00:15:17,132
LIKE I FIX EVERYTHING AROUND HERE.

263
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,705
LIKE THAT TIME...

264
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:21,542
CHLOE, I'D LOVE
TO JUMP IN, BUT DADDY'S AFRAID.

265
00:15:21,625 --> 00:15:23,035
HONEY, COULD YOU PUSH ME?

266
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:24,710
I'M ALL READY.

267
00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:25,962
BUBBLES!

268
00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:32,328
I SEE YOU'RE ENJOYING
MY DELICIOUS SANDWICH.

269
00:15:32,417 --> 00:15:34,247
YOU'RE AN AMAZING COOK.

270
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:37,173
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

271
00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:39,999
OH, I LOVE IT.

272
00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:41,753
I KNOW. MMM, YUMMY.

273
00:15:41,834 --> 00:15:43,964
MOMMY, YOU'RE A FANTASTIC COOK.

274
00:15:44,792 --> 00:15:47,582
MMM. SCRUMPTIOUS.

275
00:15:49,625 --> 00:15:51,705
OKAY, I'M GONNA ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

276
00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:54,791
WHAT IS YOUR NAME, WHAT YEAR IS IT,
WHO'S THE PRESIDENT?

277
00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:57,745
JUST TRYING TO DETERMINE
WHAT KIND OF DAMAGE I'M DEALING WITH.

278
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,794
VERY FUNNY, BENNETT. BUT THAT'S HOW THINGS
ARE AROUND HERE.

279
00:16:01,875 --> 00:16:05,165
NO, I AM THE ONE WHO MAKES THINGS
WORK IN THIS FAMILY.

280
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,130
REMAIN CALM, SON.

281
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:12,785
I WILL GET US OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT
WITH MY TYPICAL APLOMB AND INGENUITY.

282
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:21,132
WOW, DAD, YOU WERE RIGHT.

283
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,754
YOU ARE MY HERO.

284
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:27,174
AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN A FINER HERO.

285
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,460
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'M GONNA GO AND NOT THROW UP.

286
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:36,498
LET'S SEE IF I CAN MAKE MYSELF TRIP
OVER THIS FENCE. WHEE!

287
00:16:38,041 --> 00:16:40,131
YES. GOOD JOB, BENNETT.

288
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,000
YOU'VE TWISTED ALL THESE THINGS
TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM GREAT.

289
00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:47,543
IF I'M NOT GREAT, WHY DID YOU GIVE ME
THAT FATHER'S DAY CARD THAT SAID I WAS?

290
00:16:47,625 --> 00:16:50,575
BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ONE THAT SAYS,
"YOUR WIFE HOLDS THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER

291
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:52,377
AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE HER, BUCK-O.

292
00:16:52,875 --> 00:16:54,165
LOVE, ELLEN."

293
00:16:57,250 --> 00:17:00,290
MOTHER'S PHONE IS PROBABLY IN HER BAG
IN THE WARM-UP TENT.

294
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,325
OH, GOOD, SHE'S ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW,

295
00:17:02,417 --> 00:17:05,037
SO WE CAN SLIP IN AND GET IT
BEFORE SHE FINDS OUT.

296
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,875
WHOA, YOUR MOM'S LIFTING A CAR.

297
00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:09,669
IS THAT PART OF THE COMPETITION?

298
00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:12,080
NO, SHE PROBABLY CARRIED IT
ONSTAGE BECAUSE SOMEONE

299
00:17:12,166 --> 00:17:13,626
PARKED IN HER SPACE AGAIN.

300
00:17:14,375 --> 00:17:18,285
OH, LET THE PEOPLE
OUT FIRST NEXT TIME, MOTHER.

301
00:17:19,041 --> 00:17:21,501
LOOKS LIKE THAT BIG WOMAN'S
GUARDING THE ENTRANCE TO THE TENT.

302
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,133
HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN?

303
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,578
IF ONLY I HAD A COUPLE MORE
HUNDRED POUNDS OF MUSCLE,

304
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,747
I COULD CONVINCE THEM I WAS A CONTESTANT.

305
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,424
I'M ALREADY PRETTY CUT.

306
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:30,423
TRICEP.

307
00:17:31,959 --> 00:17:34,749
( Russian accent ) I WILL PRETEND TO BE
TATIA, THE TRAINER.

308
00:17:34,834 --> 00:17:37,884
SQUAT, THRUST, SQUAT, THRUST.

309
00:17:38,041 --> 00:17:39,421
SQUAT, THRUST.

310
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:42,630
THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT.
THERE'S FOUR OF US.

311
00:17:42,709 --> 00:17:45,789
SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO STOP US
IF WE ALL RUSH AT ONCE. THREE, TWO, ONE.

312
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,750
WERE YOU WAITING FOR ME TO SAY "GO"?

313
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:53,504
- COME ON!
- OH, NOW THEY GO.

314
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,535
I GOT IT!

315
00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:11,379
HONEY.

316
00:18:13,083 --> 00:18:15,923
I'VE BEEN THINKING,
AND I'M SORRY FOR TAKING OVER YOUR BOOK.

317
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,710
I KNOW IT'S WHAT YOU DO.

318
00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:19,582
AND I'M SORRY FOR SAYING
YOU WERE ACTING LIKE

319
00:18:19,667 --> 00:18:22,997
SUCH A MEDDLESOME BUSYBODY,
STICKING YOUR NOSE IN MY BUSINESS.

320
00:18:23,083 --> 00:18:24,333
YOU NEVER SAID THAT.

321
00:18:24,417 --> 00:18:25,747
NOT WHILE YOU WERE THERE.

322
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:27,834
BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ONE THAT SAYS,

323
00:18:27,917 --> 00:18:29,577
"YOUR WIFE HOLDS
THIS WHOLE THING TOGETHER,

324
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:32,747
AND YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE HER, BUCK-O.
LOVE, ELLEN."

325
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:37,375
MAN, SHE IS ACTING LIKE
SUCH A MEDDLESOME BUSYBODY

326
00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:39,458
STICKING HER NOSE IN MY BUSINESS.

327
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,170
STILL, I FEEL BADLY FOR
WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR BOOK.

328
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:47,290
AND I'M SORRY ABOUT
DISCOUNTING YOUR CONTRIBUTION.

329
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,000
THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT WE ALWAYS END UP

330
00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:51,503
COMPLETELY IN SYNC.

331
00:18:52,458 --> 00:18:55,708
I AM SO GLAD SHE IS NOT GONNA
GET INVOLVED WITH THIS BOOK.

332
00:18:55,792 --> 00:18:59,132
I'M SO EXCITED I'M GONNA BE
WRITING THIS BOOK WITH HIM.

333
00:19:02,333 --> 00:19:05,583
AH, ROBERT AND I HAD
THE MOST RELAXING TIME

334
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:06,917
AT THE DOGGIE DAY SPA.

335
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,920
YEP, NOTHING IN THE WORLD
CAN POSSIBLY STRESS ME OUT RIGHT NOW.

336
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,250
KARL KNOWS YOU CAN TALK.

337
00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:13,173
WHAT?

338
00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:16,325
HELLO, STAN.

339
00:19:16,417 --> 00:19:19,497
EVERYONE BACK UP. ROBERT NEEDS SOME AIR.

340
00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:22,673
IT'S OKAY, STAN.

341
00:19:22,750 --> 00:19:24,500
WE GOT THE PHONE AND WE DELETED THE TEXT

342
00:19:24,583 --> 00:19:26,793
- BEFORE ANYTHING BAD HAPPENED.
- WHAT?

343
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:29,825
CHLOE, HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY OF THAT,
AND WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

344
00:19:29,917 --> 00:19:32,077
GIVEN ROBERT'S CONDITION.

345
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:36,080
TYLER, YOU DO KNOW THAT ROBERT'S NOT...

346
00:19:36,458 --> 00:19:37,288
NEVER MIND.

347
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:41,127
SO IS MY SECRET SAFE WITH YOU?

348
00:19:41,208 --> 00:19:42,668
FOR A PRICE.

349
00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:44,630
I MUST KNOW WHERE YOU GET YOUR COSTUMES.

350
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,384
THAT'S ONE SECRET YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
TOOTS.

351
00:20:07,875 --> 00:20:10,665
All: OH, STAN!

352
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,380
( exaggerated British accent )
CHLOE, GET US OUT OF HERE.

353
00:20:15,542 --> 00:20:17,252
( normal accent )
GOOD CALL, MRS. GRIMMONS.

354
00:20:21,125 --> 00:20:23,665
WELL, THE KIDS AND MY
RELATIONSHIP WITH KARL

355
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:25,880
WILL NEVER BE THE SAME NOW THAT HE KNOWS.

356
00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:28,789
WE'LL ALL HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL
HOW WE DEAL WITH HIM.

357
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:31,745
OF COURSE, THERE ARE
SOME THINGS NONE OF THEM KNOW,

358
00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:33,879
'CAUSE THEY'RE ONLY IN MY MIND,

359
00:20:33,959 --> 00:20:35,329
AND ON MY BLOG.

360
00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:38,037
HI, I'M STAN, STAR OF FREAKY FIDO.

361
00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:41,705
I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A CAUSE
THAT'S DEAR TO MY HEART--

362
00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:44,084
FREE-RANGE BACON-WRAPPED CATS.

363
00:20:46,291 --> 00:20:47,711
( normal voice ) STAN.

364
00:20:47,792 --> 00:20:49,422
( forcefully ) STAN.

365
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,460
( sexy ) STAN.

366
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:53,964
WAIT, WHAT AM I SELLING HERE?

367
00:20:54,041 --> 00:20:57,541
OH, RIGHT. KIBBLE.
I MEAN, ( sexy ) KIBBLE.

368
00:21:25,875 --> 00:21:28,165
THERE'S THE SUGAR!