Original subtitles

Hey, Stan. I'm home from school.

How was your day?

Amazing.

Your mom walked through a huge spider web with her mouth open in the yard.

She totally freaked. ( screams )

"Spider in my mouth! Spider in my mouth!"

( laughs )

It wasn't in her mouth.

It was in her hair.

ELLEN: Ah! Ah! Spider in my hair!

Spider in my hair!

Oh, she found it.

And how was your day?

Fantastic!

Today in Bio, we learned about photosynthesis.

It's how plants make their own food in their bodies.

Whoa! Do they make bacon in their bodies?

-You're thinking of a pig. -I certainly am.

Just every day I learn something new.

And sure, I could just read or look things up online.

But being there just makes it come alive.

So, it's like the difference between

reading a play and going to the theater.

Yes, Stan. Exactly.

Well, what's that like? 'Cause I've never done either of those.

It's like school.

Wow!

Stan: Avery makes school sound so exciting.

Too bad the rules say dogs can't go.

Good thing the rules don't apply to a dog with a back-to-school outfit.

Just your typical middle school student,

cruising in a little late 'cause he chased the wrong bus.

Who can give an example of symbolism in the novel?

Anyone who hasn't answered the last 10 questions?

Come on, anyone?

Cassidy, Cole,

Dan, Lindsay, Max,

Jack, Ben,

dog, Leslie, Sarah?

Anyone know the answer?

And anyone know why there's a dog in my class?

Oh, I know the answer to that.

I am so sorry, Mr. Starr. This is my dog.

And I know what you're thinking.

Of course, it's Avery's dog. He was raising his paw.

Sorry about that.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Who were you imitating?

No one. I'll get him out of here.

Too bad it's just Avery's dog in street clothes.

I was hoping the school finally had a teen wolf.

Another disappointment.

Without a teen wolf, our basketball team will never win the playoffs.

Talk about disappointment.

( theme music playing )

Hey, sweetie. Do you want a snack?

I want a boyfriend.

How about a fruit leather?

Tyler has a girlfriend, Avery had a boyfriend,

now I want one.

Sweetheart, I think you're a little young for a boyfriend.

Besides, when I was a girl

and decided I wanted a boyfriend,

it took me two years to finally get one.

You can't just say you want a boyfriend and go out

and get a boyfriend just like that.

How'd you get a boyfriend just like that?

Well, nice to meet you, young man.

So, boyfriend, huh?

It was a little weird the first time I heard it, too,

but you get used to it.

But just like that, Chloe? Walk me through it.

You just asked him and he said yes?

I didn't ask him, I told him.

"Mason, you're my boyfriend."

And then I gave him one of these. ( clicks tongue )

I should have tried that.

Plus, she gave me cutsies in the lunch line,

so I kind of owed her.

Front cutsies.

These are all really good pointers.

Ellen, you do realize you're never going to be dating again?

Particularly as a second grader?

I know, I know.

It's just fun to think about in an aching,

unresolved past issues kind of way.

-Let me fix you kids a snack. -Ehh, you sit down and relax.

-I'll do it. -Thank you. That's so gallant.

I'm gonna go put my backpack away.

-You sit down and relax. -I'll do it.

Thank you. That's so gallant.

What's "gallant"?

It's considerate and respectful.

Oh, he's supes gallant.

Hey, how'd I end up back in here?

Come on, let's go play.

He's so cute.

Do you think he's the one?

Honey, they're just modeling our behavior.

It's perfectly normal childhood role-playing. It doesn't mean anything.

So, did you have a girlfriend in second grade?

Oh, yeah. In fact, she gave me front cutsies in the lunch line.

How does everyone know about this but me?

Avery, I'm sorry about sneaking into your class.

But I learned so much.

Mostly by sniffing all of the students.

Did you know a lot of the kids in your class are night bathers?

Whew!

I'm sorry you can't go to school, Stan.

I know how I'd feel if I couldn't go to school.

Although there's no way they could keep me out.

I'd tunnel, I'd skydive, I'd--

I'd learn French foot fighting and kick my way in.

That's weird. I spend a lot of my time figuring out

how not to go to school, though I wouldn't mind

if it was to learn French foot fighting, 'cause that sounds awesome.

Hey, you know what?

There was this kid last year, Andy,

who was stuck at home with two broken legs.

-Did he do it French foot fighting? -No.

Maybe. I don't know.

The point is he had a robot that filled in for him

while his legs were broken.

-So, the robot did all his fighting? -No.

Maybe. No!

It went to school for the kid.

He interacted through a tablet computer that was attached to the robot.

It was like Andy was really at school doing all the work himself.

So it was a nerd robot who was afraid to fight.

Stan, if we can get that robot from school,

I can enroll you and we can go to school together.

I'll get to share my favorite thing, school,

with you, my best friend.

-That sounds great. -Yeah!

-We can have snacks together. -I love snacks.

-We can walk to class together. -I love walks.

-We can meet up and study together. -I love meat!

Please, please, please, Avery, get me that robot.

I want it more than anything.

Except maybe a custom closet remodel.

Half of my suits are folded. What am I, a farmer?

We'll just have to make up some story

about why you can't physically be at school.

We could say your parents are astrophysicists

in Antarctica and they're studying gamma ray bursts

and you can't go to school there because there are no schools.

Great idea. Where did that come from?

Like I said, I spend a lot of time figuring out how to get out of school.

Just couldn't figure out how to get Mom and Dad to be astrophysicists.

No matter how much I hinted.

So...

...stars are pretty interesting, huh?

You okay in there, Stan?

This shoe bin is the perfect place to control the robot from.

I'm at school and surrounded by old shoes.

It's like a dream come true.

Luckily not the dream where I show up with no pants on.

Oh, no!

I still think it'd be safer

for you to control the robot from home.

No way. I want to be at school so I'm closer to you.

The whole point is that we're sharing this, right?

Plus, I'd get way too distracted at home.

Your mom's been learning Swedish.

( speaking in foreign language )

My gums bleed when I brush my teeth.

-Why is she-- -Not flossing regularly?

Yeah, I wondered that, too.

So we ready for my big entrance?

Let me turn this thing on.

( upbeat music playing )

Stan.

Very cool music. First day of school

and you're really making your mark.

Nice entrance, Stan. Now let's introduce you to everybody.

Where'd you get the picture of this kid?

He's one of my BMX buddies. He goes to another school.

I bought him some mint ice cream in exchange for taking his picture.

Kind of sad. Still eats ice cream like a 5-year-old.

You do not want to see what he does with pudding.

I said you didn't want to see it.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, no, did Andy break his legs again?

That kid's got to stop trying to jump off the top bunk into his pants.

Oh, no, this is the new virtual student.

He lives with his parents at a research station

in Antarctica.

Oh, so you're distant and cold.

I'm Max.

Hi. I'm Lindsay.

Stan: I'm Stan.

Stan, uh, Shoe Bin.

Stan Shubin.

Yeah, that sounds like a name and not just a hiding place.

(music resumes)

(confetti bursts)

Normally I don't go for showboats,

but this Shubin kid is just the right amount of wrong.

So Romeo and Juliet, much like my life, is a tragedy,

although Romeo and Juliet never lived in their more successful brother's garage.

I'm really pulling for him for Teacher of the Year.

This is his time.

Is this brother's garage thing gonna be on the test?

Yes.

Isn't this great, Stan?

We're gonna spend the next hour learning about Romeo and Juliet

and then you and I can continue the discussion on our own time.

Stan: Yes! Finally I get to do this with you.

Let the excitement begin.

And then Juliet said: "Wilt thou be gone?

"It is not yet near day.

"It was the nightingale and not the lark

"that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear."

This is so moving.

I'm crying. Aren't you?

( Stan snores )

Stan! No sleeping in class.

What? I wasn't asleep.

Maybe I'm just hungry.

Is it okay if I get a snack?

( munching )

No eating in class, Mr. Shubin, unless you brought enough for everyone.

Shoot, I broke the tip of this one.

Here, I'll sharpen it for you.

Thanks. So gallant.

I'm really glad you told me I'm your boyfriend

and then gave me one of these. ( clicks tongue )

I'll go get us some snacks.

But I should warn you, I'm a terrible cook.

Bennett, I appreciate that you're doing the dishes,

but you're getting water everywhere.

-What are you, seven? -I'm just trying to help.

By making more work for me? It's like you don't care.

I don't, yet I'm still doing it, which makes me really special.

And I'm the one stuck cleaning up your special mess.

But it's fine, it's fine.

I sharpened all the crayons so they're nice and pointy,

like you like them.

Mason, there are shavings everywhere.

What are you, seven?

Next month.

And look at your pants.

There's crayon all over them.

It's like you don't care!

But it makes them colorful.

I have rainbow pants.

I thought you'd like that.

But I'm the one stuck cleaning up your rainbow mess.

But it's fine, it's fine.

That's good, that's good.

No, it's not good. We're fighting.

Is it about my pants?

I don't understand.

I don't understand either, but this is what's happening!

Tyler, I do not like school.

Avery made it sound so exciting, but it's just not for me.

I'm a dog, I want to take naps,

and have yard time and catch frisbees.

That sounds awesome.

Maybe I'm a dog, too.

What do I do about Avery?

She's so excited about our doing this together.

Just tell her. She'll understand.

She knows no one else loves school the way she does.

Stan, it means so much to me to finally have someone else

who loves school the way I do.

Yeah, about that, there's something I have to tell you.

I signed us up to do the history project together.

Oh, this is going to be so amazing for our friendship.

I don't really share a love of school with Max and Lindsay.

It's so great this can be our thing.

So, what was it you were going to tell me?

Uh, how great it is that we share our love of school.

We are totally on the same wavelength.

I'm gonna go right now and start thinking about--

-Lunch meats. -Ideas for the project.

So, did you tell Avery school's not for you?

I couldn't. She was too excited about

how this was going to be so great for our friendship.

Well, if you're stuck here, do what I do. Make the best of it.

Well, I guess school's better than sitting at home hanging out with your mom.

( laughter )

-Good one, Shubin. -Yeah, it was.

Bam!

Stand back while I do a little of this.

All: Whoa!

( Stan chuckles )

Well, I better get to Bio.

Hey, some of us are in the same class.

We can all sit in the back and make fun of everything together.

-You mean we don't have to learn? -( all laughing )

You are on a roll, Shubin.

Yeah, I was like "You mean we don't have to learn?"

( chuckling ) Oh, man.

Tyler! Stan loves school.

Don't try to corrupt him and turn him into a slacker like you.

I'm not a slacker. I have a goal.

To own a food truck someday.

So I focus on the things that matter.

Hanging with friends to develop social skills,

and lunch to develop lunch skills.

I don't need to know who invaded Iceland in 1940.

-England. -Or who discovered sun spots.

-Galileo. -Or what's the capital of Bulgaria.

Sofia.

England. Galileo.

Sofia. Thanks.

My point is, what's going on between you and Stan

has nothing to do with me.

Really. You should talk to him.

I'm not trying to teach him how to live or what's atomic number five...

-...on the periodic table. -Boron.

Hey, I know we don't see eye to eye on this school thing,

but that's no reason for name calling.

You're a boron.

Stan, you were supposed to be home hours ago

to work on our project.

Sorry, I got caught up in something.

Tyler and I were hanging out with the Skateboard Club.

( heavy music playing )

You got this, Shubin.

-( crash ) -( sparks crackling )

I'm good.

( all cheering )

The last couple of days,

every time we're supposed to work on this assignment,

you always have an excuse not to.

You're right. After the pep rally tonight,

we'll really buckle down.

No, it's due tomorrow.

We can't go to the pep rally. We have too much to do.

This does mean as much to you as it does to me, doesn't it?

Yes, of course.

This is the thing we have in common.

We'll skip the pep rally

and work all night or my name isn't Stan Shubin.

-It's not. -Right, right.

Sorry, I've been confused since I took that spill on my skateboard.

-You didn't take the spill. -I told you I've been confused.

Okay, Stan. You wait here.

I've got to get some poster board for the project,

but when I get home, we'll get to work.

Yes, good, looking forward to it.

-Okay, Stan. You ready for the rally? -Totally. Let's get out of here.

Daddy, can you help me?

Mason doesn't want to be my boyfriend anymore.

Doesn't want to be your boyfriend?

Did your mother give you relationship advice?

-No. -Okay. Then maybe there's a chance.

What happened?

Well, I was the one stuck cleaning up his mess.

It's like he doesn't care!

But it's fine, it's fine.

Chloe, did you overhear Mommy and me arguing?

Yes. I hear lots of things you talk about.

Did you ever think if you put the ceiling fan in,

she'll stop nagging you?

Stan, I'm home.

Stan.

Stan?

( all cheering )

( all chanting ) Shubin!

Shubin! Shubin!

This is so awesome, Stan.

Why aren't you over there? I thought you liked him.

I just liked him for his telescoping neck.

He doesn't have a telescoping neck.

I know that now.

I was just projecting onto him what I wanted him to be.

What's Mason doing here? I thought he broke up with Chloe.

And how could he do something like that? I'm beginning to think he's not the one.

Honey, they were just fighting because they saw us fighting.

Chloe!

I invited Mason over so that they could see us

apologize and learn from our good example.

-What's up, Daddy? -What's she doing here?

I live here.

You see what I'm dealing with?

Guys, I know that you saw us having a little disagreement,

but what you didn't see was the part where we made up.

So...

So...

So, Chloe's mommy has something she wants to say to me.

I thought you were gonna start.

Hey, there's a picture of you.

I live here.

We have to pretend to apologize,

even if we don't mean it.

Fine.

Bennett, I'm sorry I criticized

the way you did the dishes.

And, Ellen, I am sorry for making a mess

for you to clean up.

I was just trying to help out

because I know how much you do around here.

-Really? -Yeah.

Aw, I'm sorry for jumping on you when you were just trying to help out.

I'm sorry for not chipping in more around the house.

Aw.

Does that mean you're going to start chipping in more

or you're just sorry that you don't?

We'll talk later.

Mason, I'm sorry for yelling at you about the crayons.

Chloe, I'm sorry, too,

even though I don't know what I did wrong.

Better get used to that, buddy.

-What's your backpack doing here? -I live here!

There you are.

Max and Lindsay texted me all about how Stan Shubin

was showing off at the rally by the shoe bin.

And how has no one made that connection?

Oh, you mean the sneaker box?

Stan bailed on our project tonight.

I just can't believe you took him there

after I specifically asked you to stay out of this.

First, when have I ever done anything you specifically asked me to do?

And second, I did stay out of it. He wanted to go.

Hey, I guess I did something you specifically asked me to do.

This is a big day for you.

Wait, where's Stan?

I'm right here.

No, that's Shubin.

I want to talk to Stan.

Stan's a little afraid to talk to you right now.

Stan, I'm so mad at you.

Now you're making me more nervous.

Man, hitting all the wrong buttons.

Huh, that must be in there from the last time

a cow couldn't go to school.

Ding dong.

Who's there? Who's there? Who's--

Ah, you doorbelled me.

Nice.

Stan, you went to the rally tonight.

You knew how much working together on our project meant to me.

It was something we were gonna share.

I tried, but I just don't care about school the way you do.

I'm a dog.

I want to take naps and have yard time

and sniff your mom's left ankle every day

for no reason until she developed a complex.

( chuckles ) She made a doctor's appointment.

Oh, my gosh.

I blamed Tyler for putting the pressure on you to slack off,

but I was the one putting pressure on you to be like me.

I'm so sorry.

But if you felt that way, why didn't you say anything?

Seeing how excited you were about us having school in common

made me realize that our personalities and interests are so different.

We don't really have anything in common.

That's what this is about?

What if our friendship isn't really based on anything?

I guess I was trying to run away from having to face that.

Stan, our friendship is based on the fact

that we love each other,

and are always there for each other.

That's all that matters.

It is?

Isn't it all that matters to you?

It is.

I love you, Avery.

I love you, too, Stan.

Hey, Shubin's giving us the side-eye.

Who's controlling it?

( intense music )

( both screaming )

Good work, Shubin.

( screams )

After we discovered that our neighbor Mr. Trummer's TV remote

operated on the same frequency as the robot,

we were no longer afraid to go back in the house.

And it turns out that my going to school

did bring Avery and me closer together,

just not in the way either of us thought it would.

And I'm back to my naps and my yard time

and my fun with Ellen.

But, Doctor Landers, what do you mean the tests show nothing?

There has to be something.

Why else would the dog be sniffing that one spot?

I've been sniffing it, too, and it does smell sick.

( sniffing )

Tomorrow, I start barking at it.

( music playing )

( boing )