Original subtitles

The athletes are on the track.

They have both been preparing long and hard

for this very moment.

Go on. Get real.

BOOM!

And they're away!

Well, the champ has gotten them showing

what the audience is witnessing right now.

My balls! My balls! Hello. This man is grabbing my balls!

Well, I'm not sure that he did

but we shall see.

Only time will tell.

Well, he took the corner

and he's seen an opportunity.

You alright?

He's lining things up carefully.

I'm Mark.

Hi.

He's going for it, you know.

You've got no chance!

Do you want a leaflet?

Oh, that's a cheeky move.

Cheap foul, that's not in the rule book.

Well, they're facing a real challenge now.

The finishing line in sight.

And seemingly no way to get to it.

But they're not backing down.

They are going for it!

But no, they're denied right on the line.

So very close and yet so completely naked!

You next.

Ma-maybe you-you could come back later, Mark, you know?

Ben, we have this every year, right.

You don't like it.

It's like... it's like Eurovision.

What?

Are you scared?

I'm not scared. Don't be daft.

Whoa, whoa, too quick.

Right, We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

What's the easy way?

The easy way is I take a sample from you.

And it takes ten seconds.

Hmm?

The hard way is I get a rusty knife

stab you in the leg,

you bleed all over the rug.

We roll rug up, take that to the lab.

And the rust from the blade

gives you lockjaw.

And unable to speak or move

you expire here in silent, expressionless agony.

Good decision.

What?

I-I hadn't made one, Mark.

I hadn't... ha-ha-ha!

Next year - by hook or by crook

you are coming into hospital.

We'll even give you a lollipop.

Don't say that word to me, Mark.

What, lollipop?

Hospital! Hospital! Hospital!

Ben, we met in hospital.

If it wasn't for a hospital,

you'd be one mate short of a mate. You'd be mate-less.

When was the last time you rode an actual bicycle, Ben?

Mark. Put them down, put them down!

They are collectors' items, Mark.

BEN Put them down.

MARK Are you still free Wednesday?

BEN Yeah, of course I am, Mark.

BEN Don't be daft.

Are we allowed to be here?

Who can stop us?

Lock up your Pot Noodles.

Tonight, the canteen is ours!

I hope we get to do this again.

What do you mean?

I mean, I hope I stick around long enough...

Yeah, of course you will.

We can do this every Wednesday night

if you want, me and you.

Guaranteed.

Yeah, yeah, sound.

Yeah.

Cheers.

Javan, Marlene, your results.

So...

Jerk, put her out of her misery.

Tell her what we already know.

It's not all bleak.

True, the initial treatment

didn't achieve what we'd hoped.

The tumour's still metastasizing,

growing to the liver.

Which means we will have to

proceed with the chemotherapy.

I went through chemotherapy when I was your age.

And it's not fun.

But you can beat this, okay?

Do you really think so?

I'm living proof.

Thank you.

Just gonna get your notes, okay?

You okay?

Yeah. I'll be fine.

Mum, I promise.

Okay.

It's just an hospital.

I'll look after him if you want.

Thank you.

I've seen 'em all come and go here.

What do you mean go?

You mean they died?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I didn't mean that.

Some of them probably did.

Mum.

You're gonna be okay.

Thanks, mate.

It's okay.

It's gonna be okay.

Sponge ball.

72, 69, 66, 63...

47, 54, 51...

Thank you.

Sorry about this.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Excuse me?

Hmm!

Am I... am I bleeding?

Am I bleeding?

Okay, sorry for shooting you in the head, mate.

Just didn't expect to see anyone down here.

But I-I-I work here.

Thi-this is where I work.

Oh, Ben! Ben!

I thought they closed your department down.

Sorry?

You trained me.

Maybe ten years ago now though.

Ben. The office ghost.

I'm-I'm not a ghost.

Come in.

Test results, mystery samples.

Just so we're clear.

Jade dumped you, right?

Jade dumped me?

Now, that's ludicrous.

You see, what really...

Hmm.

Okay, she might have done.

But she wanted more of a commitment, if I'm honest.

And I wasn't...

Well, I'm not looking for commitment.

Young, free and single, me.

In case you need a shoulder to cry on.

Eastern Road, mate.

You have the wrong flat, alright.

Can I come in?

Uh, sorry, you're not on the list tonight.

Jade, wait.

What?

Are you cooking?

Yeah.

Who you cooking for?

My mum.

Oh. Oh, she's-she's here.

What?

Shit, oh Mark, you know what.

That is a really...

Flower, candle.

Your mum is in for a treat, isn't she?

Mm-hmm.

Is that a new top?

Yes.

Outrageous.

Is there a point to you being here?

Well, it would appear I have arrived not a moment too soon.

What?

Are you going to dance or sing?

Because neither is a good option, you know.

Our tune, babe. From Venice.

Remember?

Yeah?

Yes.

Jade, I've realised that I really need you in my life right now.

No, no, no.

This is no...

This isn't the way to do this, Mark, alright?

Please get up, please.

I'll go away for a week-end.

Anything.

Just-just please, just take me back.

Venice was great but we missed it.

We missed our moment, alright?

Sorry, look...

Am I interrupting something?

Obviously.

And you are?

Going.

Mark, where are you?

Where are you now?

You in?

Can I come round?

Eighteen minutes late.

Already eighteen minutes late. Mark!

I'm sorry.

Bread and, um, some water.

Would you like me to

make you a cocktail for your umbrella?

No, it's a travel umbrella.

Are you traveling somewhere?

Can I get you one for the road?

No.

I'll get you a menu.

Uh, I'll just... I'll just be five minutes.

I'm ju... I'm-I'm just waiting for my friend, so...

Right, I'll see you in five minutes then.

Thank you.

Hello Evie.

I said give me half an hour.

Turns out I was just around the corner.

Brought wine.

Fuck it.

He reminds me of Mr Bubbles.

That was my hamster when I was little.

Had to put him in another cage

to stop the other hamsters from trying to eat him,

actually, in the end.

Lived to the ripe old age of three.

Let's just hope he tips.

Send.

Where are you?

Crikey.

You're not stopping are you?

No, um... just thirsty.

Oh. Crazy.

Are you... are you joking?

What'd you do that for!?

I'm sorry, did you come here

to text or to have sex with me?

Um, se... oh...

Brought you some, uh...

Pea soup here, it's uh...

It's a peas offering.

Thank... thank you.

Hmm. Hmm, yeah.

Can really, really taste the peas.

Yeah. Peas man.

Ben.

Mark.

I wanna apologise.

Dinner tonight instead?

Tonight is a Thursday.

Yep, radical concept, I know.

You could have texted me, you know.

Mark, you're stepping on my jacket.

Actually, no, I couldn't, my phone's...

You know, I am not an idiot.

I know that Wednesdays have become a chore.

That's not true.

Well, maybe sometimes.

But only when you eat chicken wings wearing surgical gloves.

Do you know what I mean?

Come with me now.

No.

Come on, just get off of the bus.

No.

Right.

See ya. Oh, sorry.

Mark! Get off my briefcase!

Mark, that is my briefcase!

Mark! Mark!

Give it back now.

Mark!

Mark!

Give it back. Now.

Now.

Mark, Mark.

This way.

Come with me.

What are-what are you doing?

Where are you taking me?

Do not take my briefcase again.

It is pathetic.

You're pathetic.

Which floor?

Third please.

Ben.

We usually take the stairs.

Mark, is this door gonna shut behind us?

Just leave it.

Come on.

I'll pro... I'll prop it.

Metal.

Hey, Mark, wait, wait up.

I love it up here.

Lager?

Mark, what we...

What we doing here?

Tah dah!

The test results.

Acute Myeloid Leukaemia.

Quite advanced.

It's come back, eh?

Always knew that having AL-L as kids

would increase the risk of having A-M-L as adults.

Well...

Fucking, yeah.

Things are just starting to, uh...

to look up for me, you know.

I-I even bumped into a new friend at work the other day.

How... how long have I got?

How long have you got?

How long have you got?

It's hard to say, mate.

Oh my God!

Oh! Oh my Go...

Oh.

I want...

Oh shit.

I don't... I want more time.

Time to do what exactly?

To upset people on lifts?

Sterilise your entire flat?

I am still in my prime.

I am just... I'm still in my prime.

And I'm sorry it's bad news.

But, do you know what,

a part of me thought you'd be a little bit relieved.

What?

Yeah.

What?

You know, I think about it,

tha... that's when you changed.

When we went into remission

that's when all the odd behaviour started.

That weird counting,

your sponge ball,

the fucking organising.

The OCD.

Locking yourself away like Howard Hughes.

You actually have a reason to act like your fucking world's ending.

You are a heartless bastard.

This heartless bastard has taken you to doctors' appointments,

therapy groups, hypnotists.

That fucking lazy eyed gypsy woman

that read your tea leaves.

And what's the point of that?

What was it for?

I don't ask you to do that.

Well, I did it anyway.

You're wasting your life.

You're wasting my fucking life as well.

These past sixteen years

you've been a fucking selfish bastard.

And you've wasted it all.

We should have been out

We should have been enjoying ourselves.

But we're not.

And now we're two sad, lonely bastards sat on a roof.

And one of us is dying.

Yeah, me. Me. Me. Me.

What is the point?

Do you know what?

Fuck it.

Come here. Let's just jump.

What are you doing? Let go of me, Mark.

We used to do everything together, didn't we, Ben?

Come on.

Well, let's do this now.

Get off me now.

Let's die together. I'll die with you.

I'll do that for you.

I will do that for you

because I'm a good friend.

Let's do your counting thing.

Ninety-nine.

Ninety-seven.

Come on!

You are fucking crazy, Mark.

You are crazy. Crazy.

Proper crazy.

And the gypsy woman was your idea!

She was your idea.

Leave me alone!

Jesus!

What was that?

It's a travel umbrella.

What are you doing here, Mark?

Making a cuppa.

Oof.

Do you want one?

Yeah, I'll have a PG.

I'll put the kettle on.

Don't go to work today.

I've got to save my sick days, Mark.

Would they even notice if you didn't turn up?

Yes, of course they would.

It is a very important job.

Ben, I'm sorry about what happened last night.

But if you take the day off work

I'll even write you a sick note.

What-what happened last night, Mark?

Oh, yeah, I know.

My friend told me I had cancer.

You can take your sick note

and you can shove it up your arse!

Shove it up your arse, Mark!

Shove it up your arse.

And I want my mug back!

I want it back!

Stick to Wednesdays then, shall we?

Dress down Friday.

Hey, now.

If you can't beat them, join them.

Are you for real?

How's wanky McBeard Face?

Uh, he's fine.

How's Evie?

Hmm.

Touch�.

Listen, I'm-I'm sorry about the other night.

I just... I-I-I can't get back on that rollercoaster.

No, right. I understand.

You're actually taking this break-up harder than I expected. Hmm.

Flipflops.

New me.

I don't-I don't think you're a bad bloke.

You're no... you're not.

I do...

It's just... oh dear.

You-you see the entire world

through this prism of your own design.

It's-it's... it's always about what you want

when you're ready, when you're in pain.

Yeah. I get it. I'm selfish.

But that was the old me.

Hmm.

This... is the new me.

Wow.

What if I told you

I was about to embark on a project

a life or death project

entirely for someone else's benefit?

I would say does that someone else

happen to have nice tits?

Hmm.

Hmm.

He is a tit. Does that count?

Good luck with your project, Mark.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh my God.

Let's celebrate.

No, Mark, no, no, no, no, no.

Here he is!

"For he's a jolly good fellow..."

"and none of you quite know why!"

I didn't know you were leaving.

Although to be fair, I thought you'd left years ago.

There's been a mistake.

I'm-I'm not leaving.

I'm-I'm-I'm not... I'm not leaving.

We want to thank you all

from the bottom of our hearts

for ignoring my best friend

for all these years.

And now you can all stuff yourself.

Mark!

Pfft! Come on.

I-I promise you I'm not leaving.

Yes, you are!

I'm not leaving.

I-I'm not leaving.

Oh my gosh.

Get-get off me.

You have just lost me my job, Mark.

You have just lost me my job.

What does anything matter anyway?

This is entropy, a hurtling crash

towards certain oblivion.

You...

You have lost your head.

You have lost your head, Mark.

Leave me a alone.

Just leave me alone!

Ben!

Surprise.

What have you done?

What have you done, Mark?

No, no, no.

Oh, no. Oh no!

Mark, Mark.

What have you done this time?

Calm down, I'm-I'm freeing you

from the burden of all your...

your horrible lifestyle.

Carefully collated collections of crap.

Look, I could go on about

how you can't take it with you.

But to actually do something about it

that-that-that takes a pair of large cheesy Wotsits.

I'm-I'm calling the police.

And say what?

'Constable, he's stolen my antibacterial wipes, and-and plastic boxes.'

My-my mother's wedding ring!

You've ta...

Not a complete lunatic.

Would you like to visit the rest of your stuff?

Hmm.

Follow me.

Just over there.

Mark!

Attention consumer zombies!

Welcome to the Church of Material Possessions Mobile Unit.

Bring forth your offerings to the altar of redemption.

Everything you see here is not only irrelevant to your eternal souls.

It is also for sale.

Who will free us of these

mortal trinkets?

Who will shed us of these material coils? Come on, name your price.

Make your offer.

A quid for the DVD?

Done, young sir.

How much for that?

For you, sir, 'cause you're so good looking, �5.

Come on, mate, I'm on benefits.

�3.

Two quid.

�1.

Got yourself a deal.

Good man.

50p in the bucket.

Mark.

All your offerings in this blue bucket.

What do you want, mate?

This machine, sir, promises to organize your life

and fill your mind with knowledge.

But it is a time toilet whose only desire is to be worshipped!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ask yourself this question:

'Do I own my possessions or do my possessions own me?'

How about nine hundred For the set of wheels?

You, sir, are a fuc... fine entrepreneur.

�900 for this.

�900 to the bloke who weighs approximately nine hundred pounds.

Hey!

I, for one, appreciate the symmetry.

What we saying, yeah?

Tell you what, you can have it if you take all the crap in the boot.

Having fun yet?

Mark, this is a B...

Mark, this is a BMW.

Mark, this is a BMW.

What's going on?

What's going on here?

We are freeing ourselves of a dead albatross of our material possessions.

Smell the liberation!

Can smell the bullshit.

You. Out!

I'm-I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Who wants some furniture?

Come on, Ben, help me out.

Get involved.

Come on.

You can't do this without a street traders' licence.

We're nearly done.

And I can see that people are starting to see the bright lights of redemption.

Over there, by Argos.

I'm assuming you do have a trader's licence?

We're not trading.

This is an exorcism.

We're freeing ourselves from all

the evil rubbish that builds up

in our lives and vanquishes our souls.

I'm shutting you down, mate.

Yeah, everyone, move away. Come on, move away.

Move away. Get back. Get back.

Oi, move away.

Come on, gents.

I'm not finished yet.

I've still got more stuff.

No, no, no, come on, hand it over.

I tell you what...

Alright, don't push it.

I'll give you that for free.

What you got there?

It's just my sponge ball.

Hand it over.

Get off!

Give it to me.

Okay.

I'm... I'm so sorry, it was just a sponge ball.

Make it easy, make it easy!

Thank you, sir.

Uh, when-when do we get our call?

Fuck off.

Of course.

Oh.

You keep hand sanitiser in your sock?

Shut up, Mark.

Shut up.

Missed a bit.

I don't think I can breathe in here.

I feel so cooped up.

Mate, this is bigger than your flat.

I think I prefer the decor.

How can you be so fucking calm?

Has it gone tits up?

Yes, it's gone tits up.

Yes, it has gone tits up.

But let's look at this tits-up situation as a metaphor.

No, this is not a metaphor. This is a jail cell.

Have you ever considered that I

work in the very same hospital

where we spent most of our teenage years?

So?

And that you are now too terrified to walk through the door of said hospital?

No, it is not just that hospital, Mark.

It is all hospitals.

But my point is that we're prisoners of the past.

We live in the jail cells of our minds.

Oh my God.

Another metaphor.

What are we doing?

Who dares wins.

Shh!

What are we doing?

You alright there.

Uh, uh... oh, Doctor...

When am I getting an operation?

Ahh...

Um, well, it's Dr Mark, mate.

And as soon as we get out of this lift, we'll, uh, amputate your leg.

Whi... which leg?

Um, I don't know.

Which leg do you want?

It's up to you, innit?

Yeah. Quick, quick, we go.

Come on, come on, come on.

See you later, old bullet.

Whoo!

We did it!

Come on!

Get in!

Oh!

This is it, man.

This is... fresh air!

Freedom.

Freedom!

Ha, ha!

- Oh. - Ah.

So, what do we do now?

Uh...

Go on bikes.

Nah, a bit nippy for that.

Oh God.

I can smell... I can smell it.

I can smell it. Oh my...

There.

Like it never happened.

Oh.

What happens now then?

I ring my lawyer.

He bails us out. We sleep it off.

And then we say hello to the first day of the rest of our lives.

No, I mean...

No, I mean what happens with my illness?

Well... there's bruising.

Hmm.

There is shortness of breath.

Bleeding.

Swelling of the glands.

That's a-a major symptom.

It's... it's hard to know what happens next.

Yeah. Right. Thanks.

Hmm.

Shame we dropped the money. We could have had a punt.

Remember when you won fifty quid at the dogs?

That was a... that was ages ago, Mark.

What are you...?

I stashed it when-when- when the fight broke out.

Ben, you are chock full of surprises.

Sometimes even good ones.

I know.

And you-you have half of that.

And I'll...

Ah, you keep all of it.

You are now officially the money man.

Yay!

Yay.

There's one. Free Lad.

Seems apt.

Mark, stop slapping me on my back, okay?

Three-to-one favourite.

Put it on that.

Mark, I said stop slapping my back.

Do you wanna bet?

I-I've got my own betting slips.

Thank you. I-I-I won fifty quid here when I was a teenager.

Don't care, mate.

I'm just gonna check the other half.

Is it... is it definitely three-to-one on Free Lad?

- Yeah, it's definitely three-to-one on Free Lad. - Definitely?

Definitely.

Definitely three-to-one on Free Lad.

Hiya, mate, um, can you budge at anything on three-to-one on Free Lad?

Three-to-one? Free Lad.

No, that's gonna stay where it is.

It's gonna end up three-to-one?

Definitely three-to-one.

Okay, I-I won fifty quid here when I was a teenager.

So, I-I know what I'm talking about.

Hey.

Mark, get...

Oh.

I'm Sara.

Hello you.

Hello me. And I'm-I'm Ben.

Sorry.

Didn't take you for a gamblin' man, Ben.

Oh, no, I, um...

I won fifty quid here when I was a teenager.

I've spent all that money now, so...

Have you?

You big spender.

We're just here, uh, that's Madam Edam over there.

Um, she's my boss.

We're just scoping out the place for...

We're catering in a couple weeks' time.

And, uh, just thought we'd come check it out.

Have a quick flutter while we're here.

Oh, me too.

Really? What are the odds!

Oh, well, if you come with me...

These two ladies will help ya.

And you... you put the amount you want at the bottom.

And who you're betting on at the top.

And just ask the ladies.

Okay?

Um, hi, I'd like to put ten quid on, um...

Yeah, ten pounds on... on Hope Eternal to win the next race.

I love that name.

Hope Eternal.

Um, can I change my bet to

four thousand, nine hundred

and twenty eight pounds on Hope Eternal.

Yeah, so just... just scribble that out.

And change it, thank you.

Sara! Come.

Ben Taylor. Is that really you?

Of course it is, Mark.

Mark, this is Sara.

Sara, this is Mark.

Hello.

Ma... Madame Edam, this is Mark.

- Mark, this is Madame Edam. - Edam?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I get it.

That's because I'm Dutch, right?

Um, I-I...

My real name is Lotte.

Lotte Windmill.

Okay. I'm...

I'm joking with you.

Now sit down and get me some fizz.

Sa... Sara, would you like a top up?

Yes, please.

Oh my God, I've spilled it on the table.

Oh, yeah, don't worry, it's fine.

Don't worry.

Oh, sorry.

Ooh, the racing.

Look, it's starting, it-it's starting.

Come on, Ben.

There, there. There.

Oh, come on, Sara, they're doing...

Are they?

Hope Eternal.

Hope Eternal.

Yes, yeah.

Any of them could win the race.

Any of them could win.

But we want ours to win.

Free Lad, come on Free Lad.

Come on Hope Eternal.

Five?

- Come on, Hope Eternal. - Come on, Free Lad!

Track one.

Come on.

Come on, Hope Eternal!

Come on, Hope Eternal.

Yes, I feel beginner's luck.

Beginner's luck.

Go on, Free Lad, come on.

That's right, keep going.

Come on Free Lad!

Come on Hope Eternal.

Go on Hope Eternal!

What?

My bet was in my hand twenty-five to one.

Oh, for God's sake.

Mark, it could win.

It could win, it could win.

Look, it could win.

See, it's going!

Stick across. Cheesy Wotsits.

Cheesy Wotsits.

Yeah.

See, it's... it's coming.

It's coming in.

It's... it's coming in.

Oh my God. It's actually coming in.

It's coming in. Oh, Mark

We won. Oh God...

Twenty-five-to-one.

Oh my God.

Twenty... twenty-five-to-one.

Yeah.

God, I don't believe it.

What are the odds?

Twenty-five-to-one.

Good lord, twenty-five-to-one.

That was your boy, Ben.

That was your boy?

Four thousand, nine hundred and twenty-eight pounds.

That's nearly �150,000!

We can't give it away.

Yes!

Oh my God.

Oh, my God, Mark.

This is amazing.

New York City.

Fuck, yes.

What?

Wow.

But Manchester will do.

You can see the MEN.

You can actually see the MEN.

Let's see.

Right, champagne, champagne, champagne.

Yes!

Music!

Don't shake it, don't shake it.

Oh my God, shake...

Don't shake it.

Champagne shower.

Here we go!

I'm on the table doing a dance.

I'm on the table doing a dance.

I'm doing... I'm doing my penguin dance on the table.

One to the left, one to the right. One to the left...

I forgot my left and right routine.

What are you listening to?

What?

What are you listening to?

Come have a listen.

Quick.

Best bit.

Yeah.

Can you dance?

No, I'm rubbish at dancing.

No.

Sit there. Hold that.

One, two, three four...

What are you doing?

Mark, what are doing?

Dancing.

You look like a penguin.

Yeah. That's the point.

Come on, you have a go.

What do I do?

Copy me.

That's it.

This is good.

Yeah, it's good, okay.

This time I am doing the countdown.

Okay.

On three, two, one.

Oh, no!

A4 paper.

Oh, very nice.

All the way from WH Smith.

The good stuff, 80 GSM.

Very nice.

Okay.

Okay.

This is the equaliser.

Yep.

My count.

Your count.

And three, two...

Ah! Yes!

Okay, two, um, I must take...

Oh, no, no, no.

No accessories. We said clothes only.

Get them off, you're naked, bloke.

Take them off. Take them off.

Okay, okay, okay.

Not necessarily naked.

Oh, my, what!

Are you okay?

Um... I'm not sure I'm up for this.

Okay. Well, that's flattering.

Sorry. It's just...

Well, I've had a tough week.

And...

Well, I'll be in the bathroom playing my tiny violin.

I was in a relationship once.

Serious.

A serious relationship.

Dead serious.

What happened?

You know. The usual, I think.

He wasn't really a people person.

Wasn't, you know, great with humans.

Hmm.

Um...

Right, I have got something to tell you.

But it's a secret, okay?

What matter of secret?

Right.

You're a double agent working with the Soviets.

Well, no, 'cause the Soviets don't exist anymore.

You've been sent from the future to the present

to save mankind from an evil robber

who's also been sent from the future.

No, that's...

That was The Terminator.

Sara Connor.

Sara Connor.

Shit, you're married.

I am dying of cancer.

And I don't have long left.

Yeah, okay.

Is that what you tell all the girls so they'll sleep with you?

No.

No, I don't.

Would that work, though?

If I did?

You have exactly two minutes

to explain why you're calling me at...

two a.m.

You're right.

About the prism thing.

But it is not what you think.

Ever since, you know, being ill

as a teenager at hospital,

I learned that nothing ever lasts forever.

I...

Anything can just fall apart at any time.

So...

So, I avoided anything meaningful

or, you know, until...

till you got under my skin.

Are you okay?

Mark?

Mark, what's wrong?

Come on, stud.

Let's get you inside.

Mark.

You'll catch your death out here with just pants on.

- Hmm. - Come on.

Okay.

Come.

Morning, kid.

Mark, I feel grand.

Terrific.

I've got it.

Your sponge ball?

No, I have got it with the ladies.

Oh, so you and Sara...

We kissed and...

this.

Test results.

No, no, no, no.

She-she wrote her number on the back.

Oh, look, and she's...

She's written an X after her name.

Unless... is that how you spell it?

Sara X.

Sara X.

Mate, I do believe that

you have well and truly pulled.

I've pulled.

And they said it couldn't be done.

Who said that?

No one.

How do we celebrate this momentous occasion?

We go bike riding.

Bike riding.

We go bike riding.

Mountain bikes.

Real live mountain bikes.

Not the shit ones.

Not the shit ones.

Not the miniature ones.

Real mountain bikes.

The best in the shop.

Mountain bikes.

Yes!

Now.

Come on, now, let's go.

Shit.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Mark! Mark!

Watch this.

Yes, go Ben, go!

Yeah!

I'm right behind you, pulling up.

Mark!

Yes!

Whoo! Down here.

Ooh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mark, you... you alright?

Ah, that looks really bad.

That looks really bad.

Hey, do you... do you want me to get a plaster out the front?

It's just a scratch, mate.

Are you sure? I've got loads.

We found a beach, Ben.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful.

Sara X.

Ring her.

I haven't got a signal, have I?

O positive. Mark.

I'm... I'm O negative.

Only-only seven percent of the world's population is O negative.

The hospital wouldn't get it wrong, would they?

Mark.

Un-unless one of the doctors...

He lied about the test results

and convinced his best friend that he was dying!

Why would you do this, Mark?

No, no, you... you are gonna tell me why!

Why!?

I didn't mean to from the outset.

Things just snowballed.

Snowballed!?

Yes, snowballed.

You convinced me that I was dying.

You fuck...

You sold all my stuff.

You-you got me...

You got me fired from my job.

You tried to throw me off a roof!

That's not snowballed, Mark.

That's a fucking avalanche!

It's an avalanche.

Avalanche.

Let's just go.

You fucking...!

You fucking...

What are you doing?

You selfish...

Get off me!

Get off me now.

Coming close to a century now.

This is the most impressive innings Old Trafford's seen all year.

And I'm still two runs short.

Whoa. Quite content with a quick single to ninety-nine.

Ben, what are you doing out of bed again?

Making cricket history.

Yeah, very good, back to bed now.

Nurse.

I think the innings is over, Mark.

No one remembers ninety-nine not out, do they?

Of course they do, mate.

Yeah, well, I wish you'd realise how ill you are.

Chemo's not Lucozade, you know.

It lowers your resistance.

Make you more susceptible to germs.

Come on, get you up, one two, three.

There we go.

His temperature's off the roof.

Can you grab the trolley?

Can't you just leave him alone?

We need to get medicine into his veins to make him feel better.

Now, I'd really like it if you'd go back to bed, Mark.

No. Don't leave, Mark!

Please.

Please.

Well, come on then, Mr Doherty, do something to take his mind of it.

I don't...

Right, we're gonna count down from ninety-nine.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ninety-nine, ninety-eight.

Ninety-six, ninety-five.

I've got access.

Keep counting. Ninety-four.

Ninety-three.

Ninety-two.

- Ninety-two.

- Ninety-one. - Ninety-one.

Ninety.

Move out the way, Mark.

Hold this, grab this, yeah.

Pretend that it's my hand and squeeze it, yeah.

Well done, Dr Doherty.

Eighty-two.

Eighty-one.

Nine...

Eighty-nine, eighty-seven.

Eighty-six.

When were you going to tell me, Mark?

Tell me you're at least a little bit relieved.

No, I'm outraged!

Ben, you've done more

in these last three days

than you've done in the last fifteen years.

You've met a girl, for God's sake!

Just take your clothes off and dry them.

I'm fine.

You're not fine. You're-you're bloody freezing.

Your fucking fault I'm wet.

You can hang them up.

That's for lying to me.

Now your pants, they are literally on fire.

My-my sponge ball!

My sponge ball, you idiot.

You idiot.

Oh Lord, save the precious sponge ball.

I know I have my quirks, Mark.

But what harm have I ever done you?

Your quirks have robbed me of my best mate.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not a liar.

Or-or-or a commitment-phobe who

would not know a good woman if she

hit him in the face with a shovel.

Which is what Jade should do to you.

You know what?

Every boring Wednesday with you does my nut in.

Because you're the weirdo.

Yeah.

Well, me too, me... me-me too you fucking idiot.

Get off me, Ben!

Get off, argh!

Get up, I barely touched you, Mark.

I'm the one who's dying.

You stop that.

Stop it, you...

One lie is enough.

It's enough!

Just think about it, Ben!

Leave me alone.

You fucking leave me alone.

Leave me alone, Mark!

Argh.

I'm not the weirdo.

You're the weirdo.

Stop!

Please stop!

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, cheers.

Have I gotta put that in my car as well?

Yeah.

Look, I know this might be weird timing and all.

But you and I...

It's not gonna be a thing.

Really?

I expected you a bit more glamorous.

Fair enough.

Sara!

Would you like to see the dessert menu?

No, thank you.

No? Another drink?

Uh, yes, please.

Okay, good.

Your hamster's back.

Looking for somewhere to store his nuts.

So, you'd like the two glasses and a, uh, a bottle of the...

Shiraz.

Shiraz. Right, yes.

That will be right with you.

Oh, behold the Messiah.

Here's your wine.

Hello.

Hello.

I wa-I was just passing by.

I thought I would pop in for a portion of Hope Eternal.

Yeah, it's good with gravy.

And-and peas.

You okay?

Mark, you look knackered, go home.

I am home.

Can you get a porter?

Do you wanna tell me what's going on?

I have tiny bit of leukaemia.

Why didn't you tell me?

I tried.

Will you ring Ben and just tell him it's...

Tell him it's Wednesday.

Yeah, yeah.

Mark, I told you I am not...

Yeah, speaking.

Really?

No, of-of course, I'll-I'll...

Yeah, I'll be there right away, of course, yeah.

Okay.

Excu... excuse me!

Uh, ninety-nine.

Ninety-six.

Ninety-seven.

Ninety-three.

Ninety.

Eighty-seven.

Ninety-six.

Ninety-three.

Ninety.

Eighty-seven.

Eighty-four.

Eighty-one.

Move, get out my way!

I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm such a dickhead.

Sorry.

No, oh, sorry.

Sorry, thanks, sorry, sorry.

Hiya.

Um, you have a visitor.

Hello, Mark.

I'm just gonna have to sit downon that chair.

I'll be okay.

Hello, hello, I'll be okay.

I'll be okay, I'll be okay.

Ben in hospital?

Oh.

You look like shit, mate.

You... you look even worse.

You won't be on your own.

You be on your own.

So, you're not on your own.

Sometimes you only realise how happy you are in retrospect.

Venice was perfect.

The best week of my life.

Jade, wine, food, sex.

Hmm.

Gondolas, pigeons.

What?

I've really ballsed up everything in my life.

No, that's not true.

Fairly true.

No.

When you weren't lying to me about the terminal illness

you were actually a really good mate.

Really good.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I need you and Sara to help with me with something.

It doesn't have anything to do with sex or pigeons, does it?

It might do, actually.

Might do.

Brr, brr, brr, brr.

Hello, what are you doing here?

Hello. Just waiting for you.

You alright?

Um, I thought these would sound better coming from you.

Nothing to do with cancer sounds better coming from me.

Just read it.

Hmm.

Okay. Thanks.

Javan, Mrs Kitchen.

What's with the garb, Doc?

A new hospital initiative, to get us to empathise better with patients.

I'm taking the initiative very seriously, mate.

Right, there's something I wanna show you.

Take a look at these.

Look easy.

I don't-I don't see anything.

Exactly.

Your cancer is in remission, mate.

That sounds so good.

It's better than good.

You're gonna be fine. It worked.

Oh, thank God.

But what about you?

Me. I have a plan.

Hi, I'm Sara.

I am Ben's friend.

Well, we're sort of more than friends.

We haven't really discussed labels.

Anyway, I also know Mark.

And you need to come with me now.

It's a matter of love and death.

What?

Uh, life and death, sorry, got to come. Come on.

Uh, yeah.

Alright, great, um...

It's just down this way here.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Okay, now I have to put this on you.

Oh, um, what?

Uh, it's supposed to be a surprise.

Okay, I-I thought it was supposed to be an emergency.

Yes, it is that.

It's a-it's a surprise emergency.

Okay, it's an emergency surprise.

Oh, alright, yeah.

I'm gonna fall.

You're mak... you're making me feel dizzy.

Oh, sorry.

No, it's alright.

There's grass there.

Okay.

Keep going.

And, great, and you stop.

Okay.

Um...

Hello.

Hello.

Do I get a last request before you shoot me?

What is your last request?

I would like you not to shoot me, please.

Request denied.

Are you ready, Ben?

Uh, yeah. Ready. Aim...

Hold on just a minute.

Fire!

Oh my God.

Bo-bonjourno Jade.

Oh, hello.

Oh, oh.

And Ben's promised not to sing.

Sorry, Mark.

Just like the manual.

Meet us at the first bridge.

Aye-aye captain.

First bridge.

You're making it really hard for to hate you.

Well, instead of hating me...

Why not humour me?

Okay.

Solely for the duration of this gondola ride, will you be mine?

Um... yeah, I think I will, Mark.

But only for the duration of this gondola ride.

Right, well, I need to make sure that this gondola ride doesn't end.

Keep punting, Ben, go!

Welcome to Venice.

Would you like it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Please.

It's perfect.

I'm such an idiot.

Hey.

I wish I had have just asked you when we went to pro-proper Venice.

I'm sorry.

I've wasted so much time worrying about what could go wrong.

Promise me something.

Whatever happens, promise me you'll be happy.

Stop that please.

Tour up.

Is it?

That's Venice.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes and you're there.

Go on, close your eyes, close your eyes.

My eyes are closed, Mark.

Whoo!

You made it!

Hey, I thought of everything.

I thought of everything.

You made us crash, Ben.

Yeah, I know, it looks easier in the cool ads, Mark.

Do you believe in God?

God? What, the other person?

I'm serious.

Don't know.

Okay, I used to.

As a kid.

I'm not really too sure about it now.

Well, what I do know.

What?

As long as one of us is still around then we're living.

Hey, as long as we both have fun.

I'm sure there'll be cheesy Wotsits.

I will never forget you.

I have written your name on the palm of my hands.

Isaiah, 42:16.

It's still there.

Sixteen years.

There's one more thing that we have to do.

Right?

Are you sure about this?

Full circuit.

Mark, you can't do a full circuit.

Are you scared I'm gonna beat you?

Right, full circuit.

You hear that?

What?

They're under starter's orders.

Oh, yeah, I hear it.

Let's go in five...

Four...

Three...

Let's just go.

Right, yeah, let's go.

I think that'll go down as a false start.

But I don't think anyone's going to stop them.

Underwear, Ben.

Both pairs.

The crowd are loving it.

Eyes off, ladies.

Out the way.

Nothing's gonna stand in our way this time.

Thank... thanks Pete.

Chee-cheers mate.

Whay! Whoo!

Turn around.

Whoo, hoo, hoo!

The adulation of the crowd is palpable.

I'm beginning to think that

you tipped people off that we'd be racing today.

And why would somebody do that, hey?

The fans there to greet them.

Leaflet?

Caio Bella.

She is way out of your league, mate.

Way out of your league.

BOY, you can say that again.

Full marks for trying, though.

Just cause you're ill, mate, doesn't mean I'm gonna let you win.

Ben.

You forgot something.

What?

Get over this.

Shit!

Oh, I can't believe he's

fallen for that again.

The finishing line is now in front of them.

The moment that they've waited

for, for sixteen years.

It's over!

Nothing got in the way of their ambition.

Because this time... this time they've done it.

Ben...

Ben. What are you doing?

Mark used to love it up here.

Yeah, yeah, he did.

Fuck it. Fuck it.

Ben!

What are you doing?

Ben!

Ninety-nine!

No!

A hundred!

Oh my God.

Goodbye, sponge ball!

I'm sorry. Come here.

Come here, Sara, come here.