Original subtitles

Hey, Jeffrey. How are you?

Hey, Jeffrey.

Will you excuse me?

That looks like a powerful scope.

It was my dad's.

I can't tell you how many times I found your dad right here...

...right here, sitting there looking through that thing.

Seymour...

...if I can lose my dad...

...then what's to say I can't lose my mom too?

I don't know why this thing happened, kid...

...but I do know your father loved you.

And I'm sure he's up there right now watching out for you.

You do right by him, Jeffrey.

You look after your mother...

...and you become a man that he would be proud of.

-What happened? Are you all right? -Yeah, I'm okay.

Don't worry, you've got plenty of time. You'll get there.

Bye, honey!

Hey, where you going?

Kiss your mom goodbye?

Oh!

Ooh.

What a loser.

What do you call that?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Jeffrey?

-Jeffrey? What do you want?

It's Jean-Paul. Something's wrong.

It's just like he's, you know, like not normal.

Just not normal.

For the love of Mike, what happened?

He was just like this when I found.... Oh....

There you go, Jean-Paul. It's gonna be okay.

Sure it is, sure it is, yeah.

Oh.

-No. -Oh, Jeffrey. Oh, Jeffrey.

Oh, sweetie. Don't-- Jeffrey.

Oh.

That's nice for Jean-Paul.

Well, oh, dear. Tsk. Bye-bye.

Let's go, sweetie.

Sometimes it takes a great tragedy...

...to make a man see his life clearly.

I realize in my 29 years on this planet...

...I haven't told you often enough how much I appreciate you.

But you are all I have left in this cruel world.

And I'm not going to let anything come between us.

-Oh.... -Ever.

-I love you. -I love you too.

Thank you, sweetie, love you.

But you know what, honey? We really have to get going, we're late.

I can see that my time is almost up.

So I want to share with you one final story.

On a beautiful morning in 1998...

...I went to my doctor for a routine colonoscopy.

He ran some tests to make sure I didn't have cancer...

...but I did.

I tried every treatment known to Western medicine...

...and some unknown to Western medicine.

Whoo! Ha-ha-ha.

Nothing worked.

I was told I was....

I was told I was going to die in six months.

That was six years ago.

I beat cancer.

How?

With my mind.

I decided I was not gonna let some overactive clump of cells...

...stop me from living my life.

From that moment on, I realized I could have anything my heart desired.

You can too.

Remember, you are the author of your own life story.

Why not make it a happy ending? Thank you.

Oh.

One, two, three, four!

-Son-of-a-- -Good morning, Jeffrey.

That's Mr. Mannus to you, and there's nothing good about it.

Jeffrey...

...did you change the window display?

Sex sells, Seymour.

Change it back, now!

I'm putting Keith in charge of window displays.

-What? -I need someone I can count on.

Seymour, how long have I been employed here?

Thirteen years.

Yeah. And in all that time, have I ever missed a day of work?

Yes. More than any employee I ever had.

There was the day your ant farm broke...

...the day you lost your hat, the day you had a sore tongue.

I can't do my job if I can't enunciate.

Jeffrey, I like you.

I liked your father, he was a good friend...

...and a great Rotarian.

But I need you to start taking this job seriously.

Just behave or you're fired.

You know, positivity goes back centuries.

I mean, Jesus, Jesus, for crying out loud, was a motivational speaker.

-I mean, at his core. -I guess, yeah.

--talk to him.

I haven't done anything like that in years. What do I say to him?

Just ask him a question. You could ask him a follow-up about his colon.

This is utterly ridiculous. I have a lot of work to do. I'm just gonna--

Ask him anything, because here's the point:

You can't spend the rest of your Friday nights...

...playing Scrabble with that son of yours.

-I know. -You gotta dip your toe in the water.

Somehow, some way, some dipping must occur.

Stop talking about-- Okay, okay.

-Calm down, relax. It'll be easy. -Okay, I'm mature.

The third world's a region I'd like to get my hands on.

-They could use some positivity. -Hi.

-Hi. -Excuse me, gentlemen.

-H-- -Hi.

I don't want to interrupt anything, of course, but I was wondering...

-...if it's all right if I ask you a question? -Sure. Absolutely.

Stem cells, that's what I mean.

It's like, what do you think of the stem-cell research that's going on today?

I'm no expert, but I think if it helps the human race, go for it.

Good. Good answer.

Oh. Thank you.

-Jan Mannus, right? -Me. Yes, I'm Jan.

Associate Director of Human Resources. You are doing a hell of a job.

Thank you for noticing.

-Hmm. -Anyway....

-Okay. -Do you like, uh, jazz?

Yes.

-Do you? -I love jazz.

You lo--? Well, I play in a band...

...and we gig on Friday nights at the Jazz Odyssey.

Yes, I know that place.

Do you? Good. Would you like to come with me?

I'd love to come with you. That's the most wonderful invitation.

-Thank you. -Terrific.

But I'm afraid I can't on Friday night.

-I'm sorry. What did you say? -I said I can't make it Friday night.

I'm still not understanding you...

...because the word "can't" isn't in my vocabulary.

You see, Jan, we never regret the things in life we do...

...only the things we don't.

-I wrote that. -Ah.

I do.

I do, but you know what I mean, not like the whole "I do."

I mean, what I'm saying is yes.

I would like to go with you...

...and listen to you play the jazz.

-Hi, sweetheart. -What are you doing here?

I thought I'd give you a ride home.

Guess who I ran into yesterday? Jennifer Cushman's mother.

Jennifer Cushman is apparently getting a divorce.

-Good for her. -I know.

She'll be at the church's single mixer on Friday so I thought you might wanna go.

I have plans with you Friday night, remember?

Oh, right.

Why are you so concerned about my personal life all of a sudden?

You haven't been on a date in three years, Jeffrey. I'm concerned about--

Neither have you.

Well, I got asked out today, and....

-Pfft. Please. -What do you mean, "Please"?

Can you--? What is wrong with me getting asked out?

-You're a middle-aged widow. -I'm not that old.

Not some trollop out of a Jackie Collins novel.

There's no reason to be absolutely ugly to me in front of people.

I'm trying to protect you. What if it doesn't work out, like the last one?

I couldn't bear to see you get hurt again.

You know something, we never regret the things that we actually do in our lives...

...only the things that we don't do. So.

Where did you get that pseudo-philosophical platitude?

-It doesn't matter. -Dr. Phil?

Okay, that's not funny. I think I'm gonna go.

Okay, fine.

So. When is this date?

-Friday night. -What? That's Putt-Putt night.

But I said I was sorry. -Well, I'm afraid sorry won't do.

I know, I know, sweetheart.

What if I make your favorite, huh? What do you think? Little bitty?

No! You can't win back my affection with Manwich.

This has been the worst day of my life. I'm going to my room.

Did you do something to your hair?

I cut it.

A little garish, but not altogether unattractive.

-Really? -What's the occasion?

Well, I have a date tonight, remember?

Oh, yes, right, of course.

The bitter sting of rejection's coming back to me now.

Jeffrey. Oh, my goodness, here it is.

Well, have a nice day.

-Aren't you forgetting something? -What?

It comes in a brown paper sack, and rhymes with my lunch.

I just didn't have time to make it this morning.

Why can't you just grab yourself a little sandwich or something?

All right, honey? Bye-bye, bye-bye. There you go.

Can I help you?

Yes. Do you have anything that's not utterly repugnant?

No.

Okay.

Fine, give me three biscottis...

...two chocolate chip fudge brownies...

...and one of these giant Rice Krispie abominations.

Maybe a heart attack will teach my mother...

-...a lesson in abandonment. -Maybe.

Biscotti.

That's a cool store.

It's actually got some character, unlike those lame mega-chains.

Do you like working there?

It's paying the bills until I make my first astronomical discovery.

You're an astronomer? That's cool.

I'm a singer, actually. Well, trying to be.

Most of my songs that I write are about...

...how corporate America's totally screwing up our culture.

I'm calling my first album "Bed, Bath and Bullshit."

So....

I actually do a show here every Saturday.

It's not sappy. You know, my songs aren't about love or anything.

They're about...

...how much I hate corporations.

So, anyway, that will be 10.76.

For stale bread and cereal? That's obscene.

I know. The guys who own this place are a bunch of poser A-holes.

So.... But I'll give you my employee discount if you want.

It's 10 dollars even.

All right, here you go.

Well, take it easy.

Here.

This is redeemable for a free book.

Not including first editions or new releases...

-...or fiction. -Thanks.

Or non-fiction.

It's--

We--

Woo. Oh.

Thank you. Thank you very much for coming out to the Jazz Odyssey tonight.

For our last song, I'd like to dedicate it to a very special lady...

-...in the audience tonight. -Oh--

Do you mind if I say this?

I just can't get over what a great singer you are. I mean that.

Well, Nat King Cole, that's a great singer. I'm just a wannabe.

You know something? I disagree.

To me, I think that you could have your own Christmas special even.

Thank you. That's very kind. Actually, music is just another hobby for me.

Kind of like golf and horseback riding and archery.

And wine making.

-Of course, puppetry. -Oh.

My goodness. I just don't even understand how you find time for all of it.

I think we always find time for the things that are important to us.

Don't we? What's important to you?

-Me? -Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. Well....

Unless I'm being too personal, because I don't wanna--

No, not at all. I just haven't thought about...

...what's important to me in a really long time, so....

Well, maybe it's time you start.

What a wonderful evening I had.

-You are so nice. -Well, thank you, I did too.

Would you like to maybe do it again?

-You mean go out again? -Yeah.

I mean, my God, you're beautiful, you're smart, and....

Plus, you like my singing, so there's that.

Seriously, though, I think being a single mother...

...is the most noble thing that anyone could ever do.

It takes strength and fortitude to raise a well-adjusted child...

...who is prepared to go out and take on the world...

...and I think what you've done is just terrific.

-You know something, Mert? -Yeah.

-I have to be completely honest with you. -Mm-hm.

My son lives with me.

Oh.

He's still in school?

He's 29. I know what you're thinking. He should have his own place hands down.

But, you know, the thing is we made a big agreement.

That he could live at home until he makes...

-...his first astronomical discovery. -Oh.

Astronom-- Wow, that's-- Boy, that sounds ambitious.

-Yeah. -I'd love to meet him.

Sure, of course.

But you're not talking about now, right? No, yeah, because he's not actually here.

-It could be another time. -Okay. Another time, well, good.

Well, listen, I'll call you.

-Oh, okay. -All right.

Sure. Do that. Whoa. Ha-ha.

-Oh, boy. -Good night.

Good night.

Jeffrey?

That's my name, don't wear it out.

Well, what are you doing up?

Where did you say you were again?

I told you, sweetie. I was out with Barbara.

-Lie! I called Barbara's house. -Hah!

Her son told me he was with her all night.

You've been cavorting around with that Mert character, haven't you?

-Oh, tough. -I knew it.

Have you had sex with him?

-I'm not going to answer that. -You have.

Oh. I hope you used a condom. I'm sure he has herpes.

Oh!

-I want you to meet him. -Forget it. No!

If you wanna skulk around behind my back with some VD-ridden sex maniac...

...who keeps you out until all hours of the night, that's your business.

-But I want nothing to do with him. -Can't you just...

...make this easier on me for once, Jeffrey, and meet him?

I'm sorry, but the answer is no.

Come on, sweetie. We can go to Putt-Putt.

Hmm?

Hmm?

So, Mert. You ever been married before?

I was married once.

-Divorced? -Deceased.

-Any kids? -No.

Why do you hate children?

Well, actually, my wife had ovarian cancer.

Would you call yourself a religious man?

I'm agnostic.

-Don't believe in God, I guess? -That's an atheist.

How many pieces of string would it take to connect the Earth to the moon?

One, if it were long enough.

Go ahead, just-- -So, we can just--

Yeah, bend over. Come on. I know.

Just bend over.

Excuse us for just a second.

-Hit it softer. Yeah. -Yeah!

-Okay, all right, okay. -Oh. Okay.

-Not bad, huh? Go ahead, Jeffrey. -Thank you, Mert.

Show us how. Well, you know, I play a little bit, so....

-Come on, Jeffrey. Show us how. -Yes, Jeffrey, yes.

Here you go, Jeffrey.

Ah! Oh!

-Jeffrey! -Oh!

-Nice shot. -Hats off, Jeffrey.

-Outstanding. -Oh, my.

It's called a triple ricochet, Mert, and it took me years to perfect.

Isn't this so much fun? You know what, sweetie?

You know what we could do?

We could-- Maybe next time you could bring a date, and we could play doubles.

You know dating is not an option for me...

...given the lack of privacy I have in the house.

Honey.

Oh! Look what he did. -Yes!

Ha-ha. -Ho! Ho-ho!

Beginner's luck. That's all that was.

-Oh. I know! -That's just-- How impressive is that?

Well, I read the break. That's what I did.

Well, what do you know, Jeffrey. We're tied at 29. I could live with that.

Naturally, you'd be content with mediocrity, Mert.

I, on the other hand, play to taste the savory thrill of victory.

Fine, all right, suit yourself.

Your mom's waiting in the car.

She's a little bit worn out from having played for five hours.

Ho!

Ha-ha! Should have gone with a tie, son. Ha-ha-ha.

-Oh. Tough luck there. -No, that's a do-over.

Official rules state I'm eligible for another turn.

Oh-- Got it.

He's entering the third stage of shock right now.

I gotta get out of here. I have very fragile--

-Give me your hand, son. -I can't.

It's cutting deep into my flesh. I think I can feel the blood.

-It's a dull blade, sir. There's nothing there. -No, give me some gauze.

-I need some gauze. Come on, give me a hand. Push.

-Push? I'm not giving birth here. -Chuck, get the Jaws of Life.

Mert? If you can hear me, I get another shot.

Mert. Whoo. What a guy, huh?

Honey? Did you--? What did you--? What did you think of Mert? I mean, did you--?

I'm sorry. I can't give you my blessing.

He simply doesn't have your best interest at heart.

I suggest you break it off with him via e-mail...

...he may react violently if you do it in person.

Morning, gang. -Hi, M-mert.

What are you doing here?

Uh.... Haven't you told him yet?

-Told me what? -Well....

-Well.... -Well...

...Jeffrey, your mother and I have made a decision.

You're never going to see each other again?

-No. -No, no.

No, no, no, sweetheart, no, no.

Actually, what's happening is that Mert is going to kind of like...

...kind of, sort of move...

...in, around the house a little bit, you know?

Kind of like on a temporary sort of-- Like sort of be here, and kind of--

Oh, God. Mert, move in. Like, with us, and....

Well, we wanna.... We want to know how you feel.

Jeffrey?

Can I speak to you in private, please?

Obviously you're upset.

Of course I'm upset. I wasn't even consulted, for Pete's sake.

I'm so sorry. It's just that the last six weeks have been a whirlwind and--

What was all that about you wanting my opinion?

You don't care about what I think.

Of course I care what you think, you're my son.

I love you more than anything in the world...

...and Mert's moving in isn't going to change that one iota.

Now, I know this is an adjustment, but you know what I think?

I think you're gonna enjoy having a man around the house.

I am a man around the house.

Fixed the sink. The p-trap collar nut was loose.

It's two machines in one.

Now for the first time ever you can make homemade sausage...

...and homemade pasta as easy as one, two, three.

Look, I know we sprung this on you a little bit abruptly...

...so I don't blame you if you feel angry. That's an authentic emotion.

I encourage you to go ahead and experience it.

But just so you know...

...I don't wanna replace your father, and I.... Ha. Heh.

I don't expect you to call me dad.

But I do have one request, and that is that you just give me a chance.

You're a good kid, Jeffrey.

I'd like to be your friend.

You know...

...only those who risk going too far...

...can possibly find out how far they can go.

Hmm.

I wrote that.

Mitch, I need your help.

Sorry, Jeffrey. We stopped selling interactive porn.

No. I want you to do some hacking for me. His name is Merton Jacob Rosenbloom...

...and I want all the dirt you can dig up on him.

-Fifty bucks. -That's ridiculous.

You're ridiculous.

I'll give you 25 dollars and a Warburtons discount card.

Great choice, sir. One of our most popular games.

Good, good. It's a gift for my girlfriend's son.

-Cash or charge? -Charge.

Wai--

You're Merton J. Rosenbloom?

That's right. Heh.

I might have some information...

...about your girlfriend's son you want to know.

Really? What--? What is it?

Hey! Hey!

You remember me?

-Remember? -Oh, yeah.

You want a ride?

Yeah, then when I was like 17, my dad was all:

"Get rid of the tattoo or get out of the house."

So like, I've been on my own ever since.

Why don't you have a car?

I have severe carpal tunnel syndrome.

Well, thanks for the ride.

-It was nice of you. -Actually, do you wanna get a beer?

Um....

My life's very complicated right now.

It's too complicated for a beer?

Look, I appreciate the invitation...

...but I think you should know I'm seeing someone else.

Her name's Allison.

Whatever, you know. I just....

Just trying to be nice.

All right. Goodbye.

Bye.

The basement? Have you gone mad?

I wouldn't even survive a night in that dank cave.

You know how sensitive my joints are to moisture.

Now, it's perfectly dry down there, and guess what. Guess what we did.

We put in the old TV and VCR down there so it's gonna be like your own bachelor pad.

Honey? Oh, sweetheart.

-Would you just please go away? -Hey, buddy.

Was this a great idea, or was this a great idea?

I was thinking the other night. You were talking about how you didn't have privacy.

That's when it hit me.

I bet you can't wait to get to that basement and start bringing in those ladies.

-Ha-ha-ha. -Oh, Mert. Oh.

Here, take it.

Take it, go on.

It's just something from me to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

-So sweet. -Yeah.

Well, open it, silly.

-Oh, looky-look. -But turn the--

-Can I see that? -Come on.

What is it? What does it say?

Ta-da! Ha-ha-ha. Oh.

You are now officially a member of Team Rosenbloom.

What do you say, Jeffrey? Jeffrey?

Please.

Thank you so much, Mert.

You're welcome, buddy.

-Whoo! Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Scared you. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh.

I gotta tell you, I got nothing on your boy. Diddlysquat.

What? That's impossible.

The Internet doesn't lie, bro.

He's totally clean. Never been arrested, no funny diseases, nothing.

That's ridiculous.

What do you think is more deviant? Bondage or bestiality?

No, I don't know, dude.

I haven't seen a boob in three years.

It was at the pool.

Wait. Shh. Hold on.

She got out of the pool and it just flopped out.

Oh, Mert. Oh!

I'm having my way with you. -No, they're headed for the bedroom.

Dude, what's going on? Who's headed for the bedroom?

-Oh, Mert. Oh, Mert. Oh, honey. -Oh! Oh!

Your thighs are like a bear trap. -Ugh!

Oh.... Oh!

And everything's sponsored

By huge corporations

What will be next? A Del Taco space station

This corporate culture Just sucks out our brains

While the corporate vultures Eat our remains

From Wolfgang Pucks to Family Feud

It all sucks and we're all screwed

There's no way to escape

From the corporate rape

And this world that we're living in Is headed for oblivion

If you don't stop buying crap At Staples and Baby Gap

I'm an old-fashioned girl And I'm stuck in a corporate world

Hey, what can I say I'm an old-fashioned girl

That says screw this whole corporate world

Yeah

-Whoo! -Thank you, Skyler.

-Well done. -What are you doing here?

Where's Allison?

Actually, Allison and I just broke up.

Long distance relationships are impossible to maintain.

I hear that.

I guess I'll see you around.

Wait a minute.

I want to apologize for being so brusque earlier.

Whatever.

Uh-- Wait.

I want to make amends. Let me buy you a cup of coffee or something.

It's been a really long night, I don't think so.

You would be doing me a colossal favor.

See, I can't go home right now...

...because my mother is having violent sex with her new lover.

-Okay. One cup of coffee. -Waitress!

No! God, no, not here, the coffee sucks.

So, I used to date this guy, Trip. He was the last guy I dated.

And he had this band called the Taco Shits.

And he wrote all, like, these really poetic, beautiful songs.

And then I found out that he stole them all off the Internet.

And I was like, "Oh, that's so lame."

And that's why I hate this city, you know? Because it's all a bunch of posers.

And I just feel like as soon as I get enough money...

...I am gonna get out of here because I can't stand it anymore.

-Do you wanna sit here? This good? -Oh, sure.

Well, where are you gonna go?

I think I'm gonna go to Austin, Texas.

I wanna check it out.

It's got this really, really cool indie music scene there.

Have you been there?

Actually, I did go there one summer, for an astronomy conference...

...but I usually try to avoid trips like that whenever possible.

Why? You don't really like to travel?

Unfortunately, my mother's ill and needs my constant attention.

Oh. That's really, really cool that you take care of her.

Yeah. It's my cross to bear.

Well, that really sucks that you have to live at home.

Well, at least it affords me the financial freedom to pursue my life's work.

For the last seven years, I've been tracking what I believe to be...

...a long-period comet which emanates from the Oort cloud.

That's cool.

Oort.

What's up, Nora?

What do you want, Trip?

-I'd like a tall latte, extra hot. -Heh-heh-heh.

-That's a good one, Trip. -Ha-ha-ha.

Yes, Trip. Very clever.

I've seen you before. You work at that bookstore, right?

Yes, I do.

Well, that's messed up, bro. That place is, like, old...

...and shit.

Wow, you have a real gift for language.

I'm shocked you had to pilfer your lyrics off the Internet.

-Screw you, dude. -Jeffrey. Come on, let's get out of here.

-You was a ho, anyway. Oh! Ooh!

It doesn't matter.

What did you call her?

I called her a bizznatch.

Aah!

-Oh! -Ah! Trip!

-Oh, oh. Are you okay?

I'm hemorrhaging.

You haven't heard the last of me!

I'll sue you, you monster!

Hurry. Get a napkin, stat.

I think I may be a hemophiliac.

So is your nose okay?

I think that barbarian broke it.

Hey, cool. Whose hybrid?

That's my mother's beau du jour.

This is Mert again. -Speak of the devil.

So call me, please.

Don't look at him, you'll turn to stone.

-Hey there. Oh! -Hi.

What happened to your nose, Jeffrey? Heh-heh-heh.

Life happened to my nose, Mert.

What are you guys doing out at this hour anyway?

Isn't it a little past your beddy-bye time?

Gee, it's hard to imagine why I'd wanna leave...

...all the luxury and comfort of my dungeon.

What are you doing outside on the phone?

-Hi, I'm Mert. -Hey, I'm Nora.

What do you do, Nora?

-Well, I work in a coffeehouse-- -Nora is an aspiring iconoclast.

-And she was just leaving. -Hey.

Would you like to join us Saturday? We're having a family picnic.

-No, we're not. -Actually, we are.

I decided to do something special for your mother's half-birthday.

You must've forgotten.

I am far too busy to keep track of fractions of people's birthdays.

And anyway, I'm sure Nora doesn't have the time nor the desire...

...to subject herself to that kind of horror.

Well, actually, I'd really like to go.

See?

All right.

What are you guys gonna do now?

I don't know.

You must be Nora. I'm Jan.

-Hi. -Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, God, you have no idea how happy I am to meet you.

Words cannot express it. Ooh.

-Welcome. -Thank you.

Oh, my goodness, look at you. All right now, listen, Mert is out back on grill duty.

Jeffrey's getting dressed. Jeffrey! Jeffrey!

That's Jeffrey. Look at him. Little fat butterball.

You could just eat that little face right up, couldn't you?

He was really big.

Oh, he was huge.

Yeah, I mean, he was a month late.

And so, eventually they had to induce labor and it was kind of a battle.

The doctor had to use forceps, and it was kind of like a tug-of-war, you know?

Because every time they'd get Jeffrey's head out, he'd pop right back inside of me.

This went on for just hours and hours...

...and finally, they had to inject a mild tranquilizer into his skull...

...and then he kind of slid right out after that and....

Jeffrey, honey. Nora's here!

That's John. That's Jeffrey's dad.

He was in the Rotary club.

Anyway.

Oh-- See this?

Jeffrey is 12 years old, and that's right after he got back from Austin.

He went to an astronomy convention when he was 12?

No. He went to a fat farm.

Who's ready for a picnic?

-These ribs are delicious. -Mmm.

Thank you, Nora.

-Mert is a magician with meat. -Oh.

-Ha-ha. -Oh.

Do you have any more barbecue sauce?

-Oh, yes, of course we do. -In the....

-Did you bring this, Mert? -No.

It's addressed to you.

Why don't you open it, Mert? I always enjoy a good read after lunch.

Sure, open it.

All right.

Oh.

What is frontierism?

Actually, I think it's pronounced frotteurism.

It's a deviant sexual behavior in which the frotteur becomes sexually aroused...

...by rubbing his genitals against others in public places.

-Oh. -I read about it on the Internet.

Do you subscribe to that magazine, Mert?

Actually, I do.

I have a client who is a frotteur.

He's having a difficult time overcoming his problem...

...and I thought if I could understand what it was like to be a frotteur...

-...l'd be better prepared to help him. -Oh.

I mean, he is....

He is such a good kid, darn it. Tsk.

I just wanna help him get past this, you know? Live up to his full potential.

That's really cool.

Thrilling is what it is. Well....

Moving.

So, Nora.

Did you study music in college?

-I took a couple of guitar lessons. -Mm!

Jeffrey was accepted to the Lunar Space Institute in Austin.

Really?

How was that?

-Jeffrey didn't exactly finish. -I cut my college experience short...

...to save my mother the trauma of empty nest syndrome, Mert.

Cut it short, Jeffrey?

No, no. Remember? You showed me your dorm room...

...and you made me take you home.

It was like a prison cell. And did you see who would've been my roommate?

All covered in tattoos and piercings.

I'm sure he and his friends would've gotten intoxicated one night and sodomized me.

Jeffrey.

Sometimes we confuse our fears with our fantasies, Jeffrey.

I myself loved college.

Getting away from my parents, being on my own in Berkeley.

I mean, it was a very exciting time.

Mm. Heh.

Berkeley in the '60s? Must have been very exciting.

All you hippies shooting up acid and snorting LSD.

I mean, I might have smoked a little pot, but who hasn't, you know?

I haven't.

Neither have I. Because drugs are wrong.

I tend to agree.

Well, that was a long time ago.

Nora? Do you make a living as a singer?

Well, that's the dream.

What's holding you back?

I'm just trying to save up enough money so I can record a demo.

But I can't afford it right now.

I'm-- I'm sorry, what did--? What did you say?

I said I can't afford it.

No, see, I still don't understand you...

...because the word "can't" isn't in my vocabulary.

You see, Nora, I believe that if you really want something in life...

...you gotta go after it. You can't let anything hold you back.

-You just said "can't." Uh-uh-- Mm.

Jeffrey, please, just be quiet.

I don't get it. I mean, how am I supposed to record a demo...

...if I don't have the money to pay for it?

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

Lightning bolt. Lightning bolt.

Lightning bolt. Lightning bolt. Lightning bolt.

Have pity, Gallantar, I'm but a simple Mage.

-Silver. Silver. Silver. -Stop, I'm dead, Gallantar!

-Enchanted. Enchanted. -Stop, Gallantar! Time freeze! Ow!

Get off me. Get off.

He called time freeze, Gallantar. That means stop!

I'm the game master, Rathkon. I get to call the shots around here.

You hit me in the forehead.

I have a deposition tomorrow and I'm gonna look ridiculous.

What's wrong with you, Gallantar?

Sorry, Alhorn, my old friend.

I've brought my troubles from home to the battlefield.

The boyfriend?

You must confront this enemy head on, Gallantar.

For your own sake, and for the sake of the Land of Erdreja!

Ahh.

How do you like thine grog?

It's not grog. This is apple juice.

Well, yeah, I mean, my parents locked the liquor cabinet, so I....

It's got a lot of sugar in it, though, so....

How may I help you elves?

I'm looking for Mert Rosenbloom.

Why, are you trying to steal the magic orbs?

I'll call you back.

Wrong cord.

-What's up, Lancelot? -Your time in my life is up.

My mother's not big enough for the two of us.

I'm sorry, Ace. I love her, and I'm not leaving.

Well, I'm not leaving either.

You know, Jeffrey, it doesn't have to be this way.

I hereby throw down this gauntlet.

That sounds like glass.

You're gonna pay for that.

War is hell, old man.

Yes, it is.

And you're going down.

That's a promise, son.

See you on the battlefield.

Don't call me son.

So then I just went out and got my tubes tied.

Oh. You wanna go to Comic-Con?

It's important to always create a kind of positive atmosphere in the work home.

And when I say "work home," I mean...

...a place where you can have a warm, kind of comfortable...

...relaxing, kind of....

You know, an environment where people...

...really enjoy what they're doing, and it's--

It's the kind of....

It's the kind of thing that doesn't have--

Goddamn it!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Mert?

Uh-huh?

What is this?

It looks like a bong.

Hmm. With some pot.

That's what I thought, but you said you don't do drugs anymore.

-I don't. -Well, then where'd this come from?

Actually, the truth is...

...I do smoke a little pot, once in a while.

-Oh. -Jan? It's not that, you know....

Honesty is very important to me, Mert.

Mother fucking hell.

Hello? Anyone home?

Tsk. Oh....

Hey, hey.

Are you okay?

What's the matter?

Is it about Mert?

Did you discover something about him that you didn't know before?

Well, I discovered that Mert smokes pot because he has glaucoma...

...but that's not actually it.

Wait, then why are you crying?

I'm crying because Mert and I are gonna get married. Look. Ha-ha.

Grab a glass. Let's celebrate, huh?

You're gonna be a Rosenbloom.

-Come on, baby, let's dance. -Oh, Mert, no, I'm too embarrassed.

-Oh, no. Come on, come on, come on. -Ah, sweetie, oh, please. Oh, Mert.

Oh, ha-ha-ha. Mm.

Oh, you're so snappy, pappy.

Ooh. How's that?

I feel like I'm on a subway.

Mert, what do you say? Ha-ha-ha.

We got one other piece of good news.

Jeffrey, dear?

I can't believe you're selling the house.

Look, we feel it's in everyone's best interest.

This is our home. I spent my formative years here.

No, of course it's your home, naturally...

...but Mert and I are starting a new life...

...and we want our own home so that we can make new memories.

New memories. Brand-new memories, Jeffrey.

Well, I hate to rain on your parade...

...but I refuse to give my consent on the sale of this house.

Well, I don't need your consent because the house is in my name.

Okay. Fine. Let's assume for a moment that's true.

What about me? Where do I fit into this new house equation?

Well, we're looking at smaller places.

Yeah, condos and whatnot. So....

Yeah. No, but you can come and sleep in the hideaway bed whenever you come for...

-...like, a little visit. -Yeah, but, little.

Visit?

Don't worry, sweetie. I would be so happy to subsidize you for a year...

...two years, or three years, or something like four--

Or six months.

Six months. As long as it takes for you to learn how to pay for things.

Fine. You two obviously don't want me here anymore...

...so maybe I'll just get out of your hair tonight.

Jeffrey, no.

Yeah.

Mert.

Hey.

Thank goodness you're home. I'm in desperate need of a Yoo-hoo.

I have this nasty infestation of vermin at my house which I can't seem to exterminate...

...and it's causing my gastritis to flare up.

Yoo-hoo's the only beverage that seems to soothe it.

How do you know where I live?

I bribed one of your associates with a discount card.

Well, unfortunately, I'm fresh out of Yoo-hoo.

I see you still listen to Morrissey.

Yeah, well, a lot of his new stuff's really good.

Really? I wouldn't know.

He's been dead to me since 1987 when The Smiths broke up.

How old were you? Like, 10? You should really give him another shot.

So, what do you think?

It's not atrocious.

I think you're better.

Thanks.

Do you want some?

Marijuana?!

I'm sorry, I say no to drugs and so should you.

-Are you joking? -No.

Not only is it illegal, I'm sure it contains any number of unknown toxic substances.

But go ahead and "trip out" or whatever it is you hippies do.

I'll just sit here and monitor you for safety purposes.

Well, it's a good thing you're here.

You're kind of a freak.

Thank you.

Mooo.

Maya, it's Mert again. I was really hoping that we could talk.

Listen, I'm not sure why you sent my letter back, but....

I wanna see you, that's all. All right, I just-- I wanna see you.

So, call me, please. I love you.

Seymour, I need a six-week advance on my salary so I can purchase a plane ticket.

I'm letting you go, Jeffrey.

-What? -I'm sorry.

You can't fire me. I'm irreplaceable.

I'm replacing you with Keith.

Don't do this to me, all right? I love this old bookstore.

Here's your severance check.

I gave you my youth, Seymour.

-If you need a reference, I'd be happy to-- -Burn in hell, old man!

'Cause I believe that freedom's

A right that we all share

But I believe that advertising's

Messing up our air

And when I see a Nike swoosh On a baseball player's mitt

Hah It makes me bawl

'Cause the world is all

Bed, Bath and Bullshit

Nora? Nora?

I need you to drive me to Arizona.

What are you doing here? You just ruined a great take.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to record a good demo?

What is this?

Proof that Mert is cheating on my mother.

Go ahead, take a gander.

I don't know. I just....

Mert doesn't really seem like the cheating type.

-They never do. -So, what do you need me for, anyway?

Why don't you just show those emails to your mom?

Uh-uh. Too circumstantial. We need definitive evidence.

Nothing must be left to chance. Now, come on, let's go.

Jeffrey! I'm in the middle of recording my demo.

Nora, time is not our friend at the moment.

My mother's gonna marry that philanderer if we don't do something right now.

Please.

I'm just trying to do what's best for my mother.

I could really use your help.

Arizona?

Hey. Hey.

I'm gonna stop, okay?

Stop where?

I don't know. I was thinking we could camp out tonight.

You know, under the stars.

I've got a couple sleeping bags in the back.

Camp out?

I don't wanna be raped by some sex-crazed trucker.

Come on. Why don't you drive? For real.

I know about fat camp.

It's okay.

I was a chunky kid too. Believe me, I know exactly what you went through.

It's awful.

Just be honest with me.

I'm afraid to drive because my father was killed in a car accident.

Okay?

I'm sorry.

-This is pretty great, huh? -Oh, yeah.

If you consider great having a sciatica flare-up...

...while being eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Don't be such a baby.

I can't believe you've never been camping before.

I've been camping. Just never without adult supervision.

My father took me once when I was 10.

Actually, that's the first time I heard the seductive song of the astronomy siren.

That's cool.

My dad was too busy getting hammered and puking on his shoes to take me anywhere.

His loss.

I just feel so insignificant out here.

Don't you?

Sometimes.

But then other times I feel totally connected to the universe...

...like a part of something greater than myself, or even this planet.

That despite what happens to all of us when we shuffle off this mortal coil...

...the universe will still be here.

That was beautiful.

Yes, well, I'm paraphrasing Leonard Nimoy, of course.

Are you okay?

What do you mean?

Your teeth are chattering.

They are?

Are you cold?

Not particularly.

Is that a permanent retainer?

-Yeah. -I have one too.

See?

They say you're supposed to keep it in for life, you know?

Well, that's what my orthodontist said.

Hey.

So ready to go?

-Hold on! -Come on.

Jeffrey?

Jeffrey, what are we doing? She's in a meeting.

Not for long.

Sorry to interrupt. I have an urgent message for Maya Sinclair.

I'm Maya Sinclair. What is it?

Does the name Mert Rosenbloom mean anything to you?

What happened? Is he all right?

I don't know, you tell me. You're the one who's been sleeping with him.

You sick bastard. Bob, call Security.

Me, sick?

You're the one having an affair with a man who's engaged to another woman.

Mert Rosenbloom is not my lover, you psycho. He's my father.

The last time I saw Mert, I was 12 years old.

He dropped me off for soccer practice one day and never came back.

At the time, my mom told me that he just wasn't ready to be a father.

And when I was older, she told me that he suffered from depression.

He started emailing me a couple years ago...

...telling me that he'd turned his life around...

...and that he'd become some sort of motivational speaker.

Actually, I think he prefers the term "success coach."

He said that he met this really great woman and he wanted me to meet her.

So when I didn't respond, I guess...

...he just figured he'd rather say he didn't have any kids...

...than admit that he'd messed up so bad.

Maybe I should have responded.

I don't know.

I guess I just never figured out a way to forgive him.

We're here.

Well, I feel sorry for the poor guy.

But the truth must be revealed.

Wait a minute. You still want your mom to break up with him?

The man lied to her, Nora.

-He was ashamed. -A lie is a lie.

Ugh. Wait a minute. So you've never told a lied before?

Absolutely not.

That's a lie right there. Remember fat camp?

That's different.

What about Allison?

What about her?

I know there is no Allison. Mert told me all about it.

And you believed him?

The man will stop at nothing to bring me down. Don't you see?

That's what this whole crusade is all about, saving my mother from that monster.

You're not trying to save your mom, you're trying to sabotage her...

...because you're too afraid to grow up.

And I was just a pawn in your sick little plan.

You were not a pawn. You were an essential component.

An essential component?

Is that what you think of me?

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

You're such an asshole.

Get out.

-Okay, Nora, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. -Get out!

Morning, Jeffrey.

Oh, Mert.

That's my name, don't wear it out.

What are you doing up?

Cut the bullshit.

I know where you've been, and you shouldn't have gone there.

Well, you shouldn't have told Nora about Allison.

Stay away from me, you maniac.

I'll call the police.

Go ahead. It'll be over by the time they get here.

I'll scream. My mother's not gonna stand idly by while you murder me.

Scared you.

Come on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Don't make me hurt you, mama's boy.

Bring it on, old man, if you can even see me with your glaucoma.

Whoa, whoa! Woop!

You ever been in a fight before, crybaby?

As a matter of fact, I have. Huh? Huh?

What the hell is going on here? What's going on?

What? Huh?

-He started it. -I did not.

-Did too. -I did not!

-Did too. -I did not!

Stop! Will somebody please...

...in God's name, tell me what is going on here?

Mert lied to you, Mother. He has a daughter, and I have proof.

Mert, what is he talking about?

Well, I mean-- I was--

I was going to-- I was going to tell you.

Okay, forget it. Forget it. Here. You can take your ring back, Mert.

-Yes. -I'm not gonna take it. I am not--

-Jan, I am not-- I am not taking the ring. -And good luck.

-Jan, your son-- -Don't talk to me like that.

Don't you dare say that about my son! Okay, that's it, Mert. I've had it!

Put him on a leash!

I know it wasn't easy for you to break it off with him, Mother...

...but take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing.

No one should have to cohabitate with a liar.

Oh, and...

...I was thinking that maybe for dinner tonight we could do something special.

Jeffrey?

I want you to move out.

What?

You have two weeks, Jeffrey, to find your own place. I'm sorry.

No, I'm not leaving. You can't make me.

Yes, I can, Jeffrey.

All right, fine, I'm sorry. I'll be better. I promise.

It's too late for that, Jeffrey.

No, look, you're in a state of shock, you don't know what you're saying.

I know exactly what I'm saying. Now, please let go of me. Let go of me.

Fine. You want me to leave?

I don't need your pity fortnight. I'll leave right now.

But I want you to know you're right. This is all your fault.

That I turned out this way, that you used me to replace Dad.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Here.

What do you want?

Actually, I'd like an application for employment.

I'm looking for work, and I recalled you mentioning...

...that the benefits package here was respectable.

Hey, Richard, can you bring this guy out an application?

The manager will be right with you.

Hey, if you wanna just fill this out for me right there--

So how are things?

Can you cover for me? I'm gonna take off early.

Nora, look, at least give me the opportunity to explain.

Okay, but what's to explain?

That you're an immature man-child who used me in your demented plot...

...to squeeze your mom's boyfriend out of her life so that you could win her back?

Oh, yeah, and your long-distance girlfriend is imaginary.

Does that about wrap it up there?

You're sick, bro.

It sounds a lot worse when you string it all together like that, Richard.

-You can't go back there. -Nora!

Don't even bother filling out that application.

Where's your car?

I sold it. I'm taking a bus to Austin next Sunday.

Nora, please. Give me another chance.

Why?

You don't care about me. You don't care about anybody.

Do you have any idea how much pain you caused your mom?

Do you?

All she wanted was a life, and you went and you messed it up...

...because you're too afraid to live your own.

There's no way I'm letting you do that to me.

I'm chasing my dream. I'm taking my shot, okay?

And if your mom knew what was good for her, she would too.

And she'd kick you out of that goddamn house.

She did.

Oh. So, what? I guess you need a place to crash?

God, you're so pathetic.

Mm. Nummy-num-nums. Ahh.

Come on.

Thanks for coming. I hope we can let bygones be bygones.

I just spent 500 dollars to get you out of jail.

Then we're off to a good start.

Well, now, as you know, there isn't much room.

-And there's only one bed. -All right.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay sleeping on the floor?

I was thinking you would sleep on the floor.

I've got spina bifida.

I've got osteoporosis.

Well, I'm allergic to dust.

I'm 91 fucking years old.

Seymour, you awake?

I've been such a wiener.

What are you doing in my bed?

Do you think there's any way for me to make redress for the things I've done?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

I need to know, Seymour.

Can I be redeemed for all the suffering I've caused?

If you're looking for some wise, pithy bit of advice...

...that only an old man with a lifetime of experience can give you...

...you're barking up the wrong tree.

What I can tell you...

...is the love we give away is the only love we keep.

That's actually wise and pithy, Seymour.

I got it off an old Deepak Chopra calendar. I think it was September.

Wake up, old man.

What in the name of Mike is going on?

I have a plan...

-...to restore order to the universe. -Huh?

I'm getting my mother back together with Mert.

You're wearing my suit.

Slow down! I don't know how!

"My dearest Jan, I've taken some time...

...out of my incredibly successful schedule...

...to think about recent events, and I've come to a conclusion.

I was wrong. Yes, I, Mert, the meat magician, screwed up.

I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and I know that Jeffrey is sorry.

What he did was selfish and childish.

He was afraid to live his own life, afraid that by sharing you he would lose you...

...but he loves you and he wants us to be together.

Please, meet me at Brentfield Park tomorrow at 3.

All my love, Mert. "

"Dear Mert, you're right. Jeffrey should be on a leash.

Meet me at Brentfield Park tomorrow at 3. Love, Jan. "

Yes!

Damn it, where is she?

Jeffrey, Jeffrey...

...no matter what happens from here on out...

...I want you to know just one thing: I'm proud of you.

Subject in motion.

Hi. Hi, you wanted to see me?

Yes, yes, I did. I got your note.

-Oh. My what? My note? -Ooh.

-Yeah. -No, wait a minute.

I mean, you sent me a note. It's--

No, you wrote me a note. But, anyway.

Anyway, right, forget it.

Jan, no, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, I know I should've come clean about everything...

...but I just-- I was afraid I was gonna lose you.

That sounds like an excuse, but it's not, it's true.

Look, I....

I have been in love with you since the first moment I saw you.

Bingo.

What? Damn it!

Can't they do anything right?

What's happen--? What?

Oh! Oh.

Oh, my God.

Lovely day for a stroll.

Leave me alone, okay?

-Come on, give Mert another chance. -What?

Look, I know I haven't always been the world's greatest son, but he loves you.

And I know you love him too. Just give me the opportunity to make things right.

Come on, I really am sorry. For everything I've done.

-Since when? -Since you met Mert.

-But what about before that? -What are you referring to?

Well, I am referring to the fact that you haven't been honest with me...

...a day in your life, Jeffrey.

-And you've been honest with me? -No, I have not...

...and it just makes me absolutely sick.

To think that our whole entire relationship...

...has been based on a foundation of lies and self-deception--

This is no time for a trip down memory lane.

It's not about us. It's about you and Mert.

It's all about us. It's all about where we went wrong.

-Don't you walk away from me, young lady. -Don't you talk to me like that, young man.

I'm your mother.

I know. That's why I want you to be happy. Don't you get it?

-That's why I want you to be with Mert. -You can't handle it.

-What did you say? -I said, you can't handle it.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand you because the word "can't" isn't in my vocabulary.

Come here. Come here.

Come on.

Come on, people. Can't we put all this behind us?

-What--? What do we--? -Come on.

Tsk.

All right, well, sweetheart, please drive safe, okay?

-Do you need any cash? -No, thanks.

You're a good man, Mert Rosenbloom.

Take care of my mother for me.

I will.

Bye.

What the hell is this?

What is this? I'm on a schedule here.

Jeffrey.

-Is he your boyfriend? -What the hell are you doing?

Trying to get this contraption to work.

-You're making a scene. -Have you ever seen a shoddier...

...piece of equipment? I may be forced to litigate.

-Move this vehicle or I'm calling the cops. -I refuse to move an inch, sir...

...until the young lady agrees to come with me.

Oh, my God.

-You're insane. -No, I'm not.

I made a backup copy.

Look, Nora, you were right.

I was an asshole. I'm sorry about the way I treated you.

It's just because I liked you so much.

What are you talking about?

You're smart, you're intrepid, you're "funky."

I was just so terrified of being hurt...

...I couldn't admit it.

But I'm not afraid anymore.

Now I'm late, asshole. Move that piece of shit.

-Come make me, you philistine! Ah....

Can you give me a chance?

Come with me?

Get out of the way!

You sure you know how to drive that thing?

Sorry.

Dear Lunar Space Institute of Austin, Texas:

A night of romance beneath the stars with a plucky songstress...

...has reawakened me to the majesty of the cosmos.

I have come to realize that we are, all of us, connected.

And that, like the universe itself, our dreams know no bounds.

My dream is to be an astronomer. I look forward to seeing you in the fall.

And trust that I will not be assigned a roommate this time...

...per my doctor's request. Yours, Jeffrey Mannus.