Original subtitles

Yo! Spencer Wright here.

And Billy Joe Cobra.

He's an invisible ghost.

How is it that only my homebods and I can see him?

We've each got some of Billy Joe's gear.

Yee-haw!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Dude, that's my ghost!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GIRL SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)

GIRL: (OVER PHONE) Tiffany! Listen to me! It's a trap!

Whatever you do, do not open that door!

(YELLS)

(YELLS) Turn it off!

(SOBS SOFTLY) It's too scary!

-What? That scream was lame-sauce! -Not the scream, the girl!

I rocked that scream! And these fishnets.

Look, guys, the whole movie depends on having a believable scream here,

and I'm... I'm not feeling it.

Maybe we need to scare someone for real!

If only we had something wicked spooky to scare 'em with.

-You mean like a ghost? -Yeah! Yeah!

(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY) Come on, guys, let's go!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I know, I think the same thing!

BILLY: Hiyah!

I know, but I waited and he didn't call, but, uh, I really think...

-(GIGGLES) -(BILLY GROANS)

(RAJEEV GROANS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

Wow! That diet is really paying off!

Eh.

SPENCER: Oh.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm telling you guys, I'm just having a bad scare day.

Usually, I can score major screamage.

It's okay, BJC, we understand.

Yeah, dude, we totally get it. Your chili ain't got no hot sauce.

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

Fine! If that's how it is, I'm out of here! Huh!

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

BOY: Hi, Mallory!

Hey!

(CHUCKLES EVILLY) Okay, dipwads.

You want a scream, I'll give you a scream.

(CHUCKLES EVILLY)

-Um? -SPENCER: Billy, no!

Don't scare Mallory! Everybody loves her!

-(BILLY CHUCKLING EVILLY) -(MALLORY GRUNTS)

No!

(MALLORY SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS LOUDLY)

-(ELECTRICITY RATTLES) -(GRUNTS)

-Mallory! Come back! -Yeah!

(GROANS CONFIDENTLY)

-(WHIMPERS) -How's that chili now? Pretty spicy, huh?

Uh. I don't think Spensylvania's real happy with you right now.

What? How much screamier can a scream get?

No, I mean... (WHIMPERS)

So, in closing, it totally wasn't a ghost, at all.

It was just a special effect

that I was trying out. For a movie. (CHUCKLES HESITANTLY)

That's a relief. Just a special effect. Like you're doing with that lawnmower now?

Yes, precisely.

-(LAWN MOWER WHIRS) -What?

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

-Yeah! Oh! Oh! -(SCREAMS)

-No! -(THUDS)

Okay, was that scary enough?

I don't wanna scare her, drillbit! I was trying to make her feel better!

Oh, now, I get it.

Mallory! Open the door. I need to talk to you.

Sometimes we see things

-and we jump to conclusions. -Mm?

(SCREAMS)

-Billy! -Dude, we gotta get some of these!

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Huh? -(THUDS)

Ow!

That's for Mallory! (SCOFFS)

What was that all about?

Thanks for your help.

-Huh? -Huh?

(BEEPS)

-(GRUNTS) -(MUMBLES)

There really is an app for everything.

(SOBS) Mallory was my number one recruiting tool!

What am I supposed to brag about now? Our academic record?

Could somebody tell me what's going on here?

I'm standing outside Beverly Heights High, where moments ago, it was announced that

Mallory, a student so beloved by this community,

-is leaving town for good. -BOTH: Huh?

Sources tell us it is because some punk named Spencer

scared her off in his selfish quest to make a low budget horror film.

Of course, you'll be informed about any news of our precious Mallory.

-(CAMERA BEEPS) -(CHUCKLES HESITANTLY)

Great weather we're having. (CHUCKLES HESITANTLY)

Even the weather is awful.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-(THUDS) -(SPENCER GRUNTS)

Hey, nice swing!

Okay, you know what, Billy? We need to do some serious damage control.

If Mallory leaves, there's gonna be a price on my head, okay?

Oh, man.

Look, I know it's a huge risk, but I think we've gotta tell her the truth.

The truth? As in, "That ghost who's been scaring the snot out of you is really

-"the awe-mazing Billy Joe Cobra"? -Yep.

Except for the awe-mazing part.

You're right. That goes without saying.

(CHUCKLES, SIPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

So, even though he's a ghost, Billy would never hurt anyone,

-and there's nothing to be afraid of. -Except when I bring out the hot sauce!

Spencer, you're so sweet. Thank you for making up that silly story

to make me feel better about being haunted.

Okay, I knew you wouldn't believe me, so, I'm gonna prove it to you.

This is Billy's hat. If you put it on, you'll be able to see him.

-Mm? -He's going through a little pirate phase.

Argh! That I am, matey!

I'm gonna put it on you. Don't freak out when you see him.

Ice cream man!

-(GASPS) -(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I'm sorry, Spencer. I don't see any ghost.

What kind of flavor you want?

-You should really keep that on. -I don't need it.

Chocolate? Vanilla? Maybe banana. So, which is it?

Strawberry? Vanilla? Chocolate? Menthol? Wood? Airplane!

-(SPENCER GRUNTS) -Nice try, Spencer.

But I really should finish packing.

I wanna get out of here before that ghost finds me again.

I hope you're moving pretty far away. I wouldn't want him to follow you.

I mean, he is a ghost after all, with... with the flying and the swooshing.

How far away do you think I have to move?

I don't know. What's up with that International Space Station?

I mean, that's pretty cool. They... they got any room up there?

Oh, no! What am I going to do?

Mm. Now, I'm no expert or anything, but if you got a ghost,

you gotta ghost-bust him, right?

It's the only way to get rid of him once and for all. Maybe I can help.

Dude, check this out!

Hm? (SCREAMS)

(SOBS)

Okay, so we all down with the plan?

Billy, you make your entrance, we chase you around a little bit,

big battle, you lose, Mallory doesn't leave town,

and people stop using me as a punching bag.

-Cool? -Mostly.

-What? -Well, I thought your plan

was kind of lacking in the hot sauce department,

-so, I made a few tweaks. -What? What kind of tweaks?

Dude, trust me. Performing's what I do.

-Just follow my lead, okay? -Guys, guys! She's coming!

Hey. Ready to bust some ghost?

No, not really.

(HAUNTING MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't worry. Rajeev and I are gonna take care of everything.

Prepare for ownage, ghost!

How do you know the ghost is gonna be here?

This is where he made initial contact.

His restless spirit is drawn to this place.

Yeah, plus, he loves smoothies.

(GASPS)

-He's here! -(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

(BLOWS IN AGONY)

-(GROANING) -(MALLORY SCREAMING)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

I didn't know ghosts could be checkered.

Oh, yes, checks are very in with ghosts right now.

(BEEPS, HONKS HORN)

(CHUCKLES)

-(MALLORY SCREAMS) -Quick, get the gear!

-Isn't that the frozen yogurt machine? -Yeah.

-But we filled it with ghost antimatter. -Oh.

-(SLURPS) Strawberry swirl. -Strawberry swirl antimatter. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, let's get started.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, Paul. I totally agree. Yeah, Paul. Beautiful day today.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

-(GASPS) -(LAUGHS EVILLY)

(SCREAMS)

Billy! Hold still so we can get you!

-Dude, we can't make it that easy. -(GASPS)

-Where's your sense of showmanship? -(MALLORY CRIES)

(RAJEEV SCREAMS)

Pain! (CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Dizzy! Ow!

No! Whoa!

Did he get away?

And now, hot ghost potatoes!

(BOTH GRUNT)

-(GROANS) -(GROANS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY, GRUNTS IN AGONY)

(EXHALES, SIGHS)

Spencer, be careful!

-(SIGHS) -(SPENCER GROANS)

-(BOTH GRUNT) -(WHIMPERS)

Be gone from these premises, oh foul spirit!

-You're not wanted here! -Mm?

You have no business with this innocent...

-Kind. -...beloved...

-Smoking hot. -(GROANS)

...mortal girl! Returneth to the hereafter from whence you came!

-Seriously, Billy. Now. -Okay.

Good night, WiFri! We love you!

(GASPS)

-Is he really gone? -RAJEEV: Oh, yeah, he gone!

He don't dare come back or he's gon' get some of this!

-Pants are a little loose. -Mm?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NEWS REPORTER: The town breathed a sigh of relief

when Mallory announced that she was not moving after all.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's awesome news.

But can you believe she fell for that loser's stupid special effects?

I mean, come on. A ghost? Huh! Is there anything lamer?

-Mm? (GROANS) -(BOTH CHUCKLE HESITANTLY)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Yeah, so, she w... (GRUNTS) -(LAUGHS EVILLY)

-BILLY: Yeah! -(SCREAMS)

-(CONTINUES SCREAMING) -(LAUGHS)

-Did you get it? -I got it!

-Yes! -Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

(GROANS)

You know, Kleet makes a really convincing girl.

Oh, no! Don't even think of replacing me with him!

-I'm just saying. -(BELL RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Maybe.

No.

No. Almost cool.

Yo, Spence! Look what I found in the basement, Wax Billy!

-Cheese! -(SPENCER: Hmm.

-Salami! -Whoa! I want that!

Back off! He's mine!

Huh? No! I'm talking about this. Some dude is selling the windshield

from the people-eating taxi in Zombie Cab Two.

Yuck! Nasty! It still has the brain splatter on it!

Oh, look at the price. I don't have that kind of cheese.

Speaking of which...(SNIFFS) ...what's that smell?

-(SNIFFS) Mm? -Billy?

Wax Billy! No!

(MUMBLES) Phew!

Dude, uh, drama queen much?

It's just a little melted. You can't even see it.

Just a little melted? Would you say that about a Picasso?

Spencer, this is museum-quality work!

Yes, uh, of course it is. Sorry.

Wait, I got it! We can turn the pad into The Billy Joe Cobra Museum!

-We'll be rolling in it! -(MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, and we can use the moolah to get reconstructive surgery for wax Billy!

Well, no, ac... actually I was thinking the windshield, but...

What's in it for BJC?

-House full of adoring fans? -I'm in!

Mom and Dad are going to an accounting convention today. It's perfect!

(GASPS) Did you hear that, wax Billy? Your fans are coming to see you!

(GASPS)

Phew!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Look out, accountants. You Know Hugh is on the way!

And he's bringing his spreadsheets! Whoo-hoo!

And Jokester Jane is bringing her water balloons! (CHUCKLES)

And don't let any strangers in the house.

Unless they paid admission.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE EVILLY) -JESSICA: Mm?

Problem?

Nope. Just waiting for you to do something bad, so, I can tell on you.

SPENCER: Well, then, I guess you're not interested in these rare,

imported outtakes of the greatest karate masters of all time.

Woo-hoo!

Sometimes it's just that easy.

And now, we tell the world that the BJC Museum

-is open for business! -(PHONE BEEPS)

Yeah!

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

I hate museums. So boring!

-MADAME X: Hoover! -(GASPS, SCREAMS)

MADAME X: They're opening the house, you fool!

Get over there and capture Billy!

Right away, your X-ness.

MADAME X: Hoover!

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yes, my student ID!

No way am I playing full price to get in...

-MADAME X: No, you dunce! -(GASPS, SCREAMS)

MADAME X: You need to wear Billy Joe's underwear so you can see him!

Hmm.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

MADAME X: It never gets any easier to see that.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-The Cobra still pulls 'em in! -(CROWD CHEER)

-All right, people, show time! -(BABY CRIES)

BILLY: Oh!

Well, that's it for now, peeps.

But sit tight. The next tour's gonna start real soon.

(SPENCER HUMS

Billy Joe Cobra designed the mansion himself.

-TOURIST: Oh, look how out of shape he is. -Mm?

I'll bet this house doesn't even have a gym!

Hey, I was on tour, okay? You try finding a salad on the road.

Intruder!

(BOTH GRUNT)

What are you doing out? How come you're not watching DVDs?

What's going on? Who are these people?

Let me go! What kind of museum you running here?

You turned the house into a museum? Oh, this is gold.

Look, what's it gonna take for you to keep your mouth shut?

-Partners. 60-40. -I'm not giving you 40 percent!

I know. You're giving me 60.

-Forty. -Sixty.

Okay. 50-50. But you gotta work for it.

Cool. I'll be security chief.

-Would you let me go already? -Sure. For ten bucks.

-(TOURIST GRUNTING SOFTLY) -(CHUCKLES)

-Here you go, partner! -(GROANS)

-MAN: Hey! Pushy! Get to the back! -HOOVER: Out of the way, excuse me.

Hey, chillax, my brothers! I'm just delivering some 'za.

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

-(LAUGHS, GRUNTS) -Hiyah!

Freeze, punk! I'm gonna need to see a ticket!

Uh. Ticket? Oh!

Uh. Totally, man. It's here somewhere. Um. Must have dropped it...

Do I look stupid?

-JESSICA: Out! -(HOOVER GRUNTING, SCREAMING)

Oh. Bogus.

This is Billy Joe's studio,

where he wrote such classics as "I'm Still in Love with Me,"

"I Am the Sunshine of My Life"

-and "P.S. I Love Me." -(SMOOCHES)

Look at me, I'm Billy Joe Cobra. I only know two chords!

-That's a lie! I know three chords! -(PLAYS GUITAR)

No playing the instruments. Ah. Unless you wanna pay extra.

-(CONTINUES PLAYING GUITAR) -Huh? (GROANS)

-Dudenstein, what the hay? -Mm?

Come on, Billy. This is a moment they'll never forget.

And isn't that what the Cobra Museum's all about?

You're right, I do touch people.

(CHUCKLES)

And here we have Billy's famous limo.

-Gosh, that's wonderful. -Wow, that's amazing!

-Okay, little guy. That's not for eating. -Spencer! Seeing this?

I have to have it!

-Off, off, off, get off my limo! -Uh. You... you can't do that!

-(BABY CRIES) -Unless you wanna pay extra.

(GROANS)

Dude! I am not all right with this!

But think of the money... I mean, think of the lives you're touching!

(GROANS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Cleaning service! Nothing suspicious here.

Huh!

(GROANS, GASPS)

Oh, so, we're doing this again?

HOOVER: Oh. (GRUNTING, SCREAMING)

(THUDS)

(GRUNTS IN AGONY)

This was Billy's favorite room in the house, the Freaky Tiki Room.

It features the third-largest indoor waterfall in Beverly Heigh...

Huh! They should call it the Tacky Tiki Room! (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Why did you come on this tour anyway?

I needed to use a bathroom, and I couldn't find a gas station.

Okay, guys. No fighting on the tour.

-Unless you wanna pay extra. -Huh?

(INDISTINCT)

Wax Billy!

(WHIMPERS)

(CRIES)

(GROANS FURIOUSLY)

Phew!

That's it! This museum is closed!

-(GROANS) -SPENCER: Come on, Billy.

Just hang in there, please?

No way! I don't want these lunatics messing with my stuff anymore! Huh!

It's only 'cause they love you so much! They can't help themselves.

BILLY: Yeah, nice try.

-You think? -Of course.

So, we're okay now? Cool, good talk.

Who wants to use Billy Joe Cobra's crystal toilet for a very reasonable fee?

-You? You? No? Okay. -(GROANS FURIOUSLY)

Eh? (GASPS) This place is haunted!

(ALL SCREAM)

Billy, quit it! You're ruining the tour.

That's the idea, my former friend.

-Oh, so, it's like that? -Yeah, it's like that.

Lobstergram, coming through. Move yourselves. Make it snappy. (GRUNTS)

(TOURISTS SCREAM)

-It's haunted! -(TOURISTS SCREAM)

-(HOOVER GRUNTS) -JESSICA: You again!

How many times are we gonna go through this?

-(HOOVER GRUNTING, SCREAMING) -And never come back, lobster face!

Oh, great, they're all gone.

-Billy, one, Spencer, zero. -I'm not done yet.

Is there gonna be any more ghost stuff? 'Cause this is getting lame.

Hey! Let's go have a picnic in that celebrity graveyard.

-That's a great idea. -BOY: Yeah.

Hey, what gives? How come they're not spooked?

'Cause I changed the name to the Billy Joe Cobra Haunted Museum.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's right, buddy!

That's what happens when you mess with a man's windshield.

Okay, fine. Let's see how you like people putting their mitts all over your stuff!

Huh? What? Oh, no!

Oh, what's that in there? Fantastic! Oh, I love that!

-(GROANS) Oh, fingerprints, oh, no. Huh! -(GASPS)

-Hey, put that down! (GROANS) -Why, Spence? Is it important to you?

Wax Billy!

-(SOBS) -Dude, I'm really sorry.

Sorry's not good enough, Spence!

You've crossed the line! Once that line has been crossed...

it can't be uncrossed! Cobra out!

I'm most sorry, your X-ness. But security was airtight.

MADAME X OVER PHONE: You wouldn't know airtight

if it came along and sealed you in a box!

-Hm? -Could I put you on hold?

-(BILLY GRUNTS) -Billy, I'm sorry.

Billy?

Hey, get back here!

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) -(HOOVER PANTS)

(BOTH PANTING)

-Security! -(PANTING)

-Hiyah! -(HOOVER GRUNTS)

(JESSICA GRUNTS)

(HOOVER SCREAMING)

(BALLOON DEFLATES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

BILLY: Goodbye, wax Billy.

-Hey, Billy, check it out. -Yeah, you got your windshield. Whatever.

-Better than a windshield. -Hmm? (GASPS)

-Wax Billy! Whoo! -Brand new, buddy.

Just my way of saying that I'm sorry for being such a bad friend.

Oh, man. Right now, you're looking like a pretty awesome friend!

Let me look at you, you handsome devil.

-Huh? -(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

SPENCER: Billy Joe Cobra Theme Park next weekend?

-BILLY: Yes! -SPENCER: Yes!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE VOICE: Yes!