Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On) -By T. -Rex

TURNS MUSIC DOWN

Look... You know, you don't have to go to Tommy's tonight.

We could stay in, watch a film.

I have to go. No, you don't.

You can just, you know, blame me.

Tell them I won't let you out.

I want to go.

OK.

And do they? You know, I mean, have you told them about...

My cancerous testicle?

No.

Look, I know it's scary, OK?

But God's looking out for us.

He wasn't looking out for Dad.

Look, I know you said you didn't want to talk to a priest,

but I could still ask Father Donal to have a chat with you.

'Does she know I'm dying?'

You know everything still might be 100%, it could be fine -

it probably is fine - but he's... He is a really good listener.

Honestly, he really helped me...

'Did the doctor tell her something already?'

After your father died, you know.

We got through that, and we can get through this.

'Shite.'

I can walk from here.

Don't be silly, I'll drop you to the door.

I'm not dead yet.

Don't you say that, Michael! That's not funny.

Right, I'm going to be waiting up, OK?

So you watch yourself. Don't be doing anything stupid.

I need you for that fundraiser tomorrow.

What fundraiser?

For Motor Neurone Disease, in the parish hall.

You never listen to a word I say, do you?

Go on.

'Mum knows I'm going to die.

'She has to, or why would she bring up all that stuff?

'Fuck it. Everyone dies.

'They just don't think about it.

'So I'll just put it out of my mind.

'This is going to be a big night.

'My last party with the lads.

'My last chance to get with Rachael.

'I'm not going to die a virgin.'

RINGS DOORBELL

'Giant ball or no giant ball.

'This is it. This is going to be the best night ever.

'Let's do it! Let's fucking do it!'

Vol-au-vent?

Red, white, blue and orange.

Very Unionist colours in Settlers of Catan.

Surprised your da lets it in the house.

Lads, this is bollocks. There's no drink!

Why is there no drink?

My cousin's bringing it. He's on his way.

Well, when's he going to get here? And where's everyone else?

Jesus, calm yer baps. Rachael'll be here soon,

and my bedroom's always free.

Well, unless Conor's giving Niamh a good buckin'.

Well, actually Niamh might not be able to make it.

Surprise surprise!

And, anyway, I wouldn't buck her in your room.

You've probably cameras hidden so you can watch.

Aye, I've got videos of me bucking your ma!

As if my ma would go near you...

How can we have sex without her seeing my ball?

I could just keep my trousers on.

No, don't think about it!

Mick.

Mick, what colour do you want to be?

Lads, I didn't come here to sit around

playing Loyalist board games all night.

DOORBELL RINGS Thank fuck!

Big Dick Mick!

All right, Micky-boy.

Danny! I didn't know you were coming.

Don't worry.

I'm not your sister's spy, Mick.

Whatever happens at the party, stays at the party.

Let's go.

Come on, lads.

Cheers!

ALL: Cheers!

Let the party begin.

DANCE MUSIC

Let's just go for it. One, two...

CHEERING

RAUCOUS CHATTER

THEY CHEER

Tommy. What?

They're here.

You ready, Mick?

Big time.

Rachael!

Hi, Mick.

You look amazing. Thanks.

Do you want a drink? Yeah.

Erm, do you have any cider?

Absolutely. Coming right up. Come on.

Yeahhh!

You got a drink for me, buddy? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

I'll get mine myself then, will I?

Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry.

Down it, boy! Down it!

How about we go somewhere a bit quieter - just us?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Cheers. Cheers.

Hey! Slow down.

Ah, shit. Shit.

Sorry.

Mick.

It's OK.

Breathe.

Just...sit.

Yeah. Sorry.

OK.

So...

Um... You like me?

I thought that was obvious!

No, but, like, properly?

Like, actually like me?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Good.

Because, you know, I think I like you.

And you know how I've never done anything before?

Well, I think I'd like to.

With you.

If you wanted?

'Can't let her see the ball!

'My horrible, giant, cancerous ball,

'which is going to kill me.

'God, she smells amazing, and feels fuckin'...

'And I'm going to die.

'Oh, my God, it's happening.

'I could do this forever.

'But I can't. This is it.

'Then it's over. Just death.

'And fuckin'...nothing!'

I'm sorry, I can't. You don't want this.

What? Yeah, I do. I like you.

I can't. It's not fair, I should never have...

What the hell, Mick?!

First you're all over me, and now you're just pushing me away?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

SHE SIGHS

LOUD MUSIC

What the hell, Mick?

Oh, come on, we're here to have fun.

Jesus Christ, Mick!

You guys are shit. Come on! Piss off.

Siobhan. Would you stop telling everyone I'm your girlfriend?

But we went out!

Once! And I only did that

cos Rachael wanted to get with your stupid mate.

Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

You're pathetic, Tommy.

I can't even believe I went on one date with you.

Out of my way.

Ah, just fuck off, Siobhan.

Don't talk to her like that.

What's your problem? You're a prick, you know that?

Come on, Siobhan. They're as bad as each other.

I really liked her.

Sometimes there's nothing else you can do.

I just don't know how to talk to girls.

Life's fucked.

Yep.

You'll be all right.

Aye?

You'll be going to hundreds more parties.

You've got time to do anything you want, Tommy.

Go to uni, drive a car,

get the ride.

Get a proper girlfriend, go fuckin...inter-railing!

You've got it all in front of you.

You're right, Mick.

Fuck 'em.

We'll be grand. Aye.

Are you all right?

Tommy, I don't know.

Mick?

I think I'm... What?

I think I'm going to boke.

Ah, shit! The downstairs bog, Mick!

BANGING ON DOOR

Piss off! I'm having a poo!

Shit. Right, upstairs!

HE RETCHES

Out the front door! Out the front...

No!

SLOW MOTION: For fuck's sake, Mick!

Hey, stop taking photos.

Stop taking photos.

Come on.

Stop filming him! Stop. Put that away!

Get up now.

Mick! Mick, get up.

We'll get you cleaned up. Leave me alone.

Let's get you inside, Mick, come on. Get off me!

What's wrong Mick? Why are you being such a dick tonight?

I'm not a dick! Stop being a bitch!

ALL: Oooh!

You know what? Fuck you! I was going to give you another chance,

but clearly I'm wasting my time.

No, Rachael... Nah, Mick.

I'm done. Please!

I've got cancer!

Mick! Where are you?

Mick?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Let us in, Mick.

Aye, come on.

Mick, open the door.

KNOCKS HARDER Mick!

Look, we just want to talk to you.

Come on, we're your mates.

Mick?

Well?

Aye.

Cancer?

I don't know. Maybe.

Maybe?

I've got a swelling on my ball.

I was in for an ultrasound today. They wouldn't tell me what it is.

It might be cancer.

It might be something else. I don't know.

So...you don't have a big dick?

Well, I mean, it's not tiny!

That's the best news I've heard all week!

Do you have any idea how pathetic

we felt next to you and your massive schlong?

THEY CHUCKLE

Why didn't you tell us?

I don't know.

Yeah. We would have been there, like.

CRYING

Gis some bog roll.

Fuck's sake, like.

Making us cry!

Sorry.

You're not going to die, are you?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

You don't need to be sorry.

You're right. I'm a dick.

You're not, Mick.

I'm sorry I said that.

Jesus, you might have cancer.

I should have told you.

Well, I know now.

Yeah.

You and everyone else.

Look, this is too much. I can't be here. It's OK, Mick, it's OK.

Come with me.

Jesus, Rachael! What the hell?!

Whoa, sorry!

Danny?

Mick, there's no point in telling your sister about this.

Right, big lad?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, Mick! Fuck! Danny!

Mick?

For fuck's sake!

HE GROANS

BACKGROUND TV SOUND

LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR

Mrs Campbell? A-ha.

I believe this one's yours.

Jesus Christ!

Any chance you could look a wee bit less hungover?

You're putting people off the cakes. I'll try my best.

Look, I know you're going through a lot with everything,

but getting blind drunk is not going to help. OK?

I just don't want to die, all right?

Oh, these look lovely.

Finn, could you help this gentleman, please?

Mick!

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, I know. I stink!

Did you tell her? No.

She'll never listen to me.

All right? Jesus!

You look like you're on the run. I'm absolutely dying.

Shit, no. Not like DYING dying.

It's grand.

Thank you all very much for coming. Oh, shit.

There's a bin over behind Finn.

..wonderful housekeeper and organiser of this event,

Patricia Campbell.

APPLAUSE

Da, we can't go in. The priest is talking.

I don't care if the priest is talking, Tommy!

Sorry, is everything OK down there?

What do you think you're doing, vomiting all over my house?

Did you know there was sick in the keyhole?

I had to poke it out with a coat hanger. And the carpet's ruined.

Don't you talk to my son like that! How dare you accuse him of anything!

Can't you raise your son properly?

And don't you question my parenting!

I am raising three kids on my own

and I'm doing it a damn sight better than you.

What do you think you're doing, leaving children in a house

on their own without coming back to check on them?

You're lucky nobody died. Now get out! Now!

Right.

Sorry about that, everybody...

I can't believe your mum stood up to a RA man.

For the last time, my dad's not in the RA!

He definitely was.

He's a Protestant, for fuck's sake!

..will go to The Foundation for Motor Neurone Disease.

Jesus, they'll let anyone into the RA these days.

Hello. Right, I won't keep yous.

I just wanted to thank you all for coming here today and helping us

raise money for the Foundation for Motor Neurone Disease.

Erm, the support we got from the parish

after Jimmy died was incredible.

And, erm, if it wasn't for that,

I don't think I could have got through it.

When we got the news that he was sick,

well...

It was hard. It was hard.

You feel like you can't do anything.

You can't do anything but watch your loved one in pain,

and you just want to protect them, but you can't.

All you can do is...

..support them and help them in any way you can.

And that's what you've all done here today.

And I know that Jimmy's up there,

and he would be so grateful for all the kindness and support.

And probably calling me a fool for getting a wee bit emotional!

So I'll just end it there, and I just wanted to say... So, yeah,

so thank you all. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Do you want to go outside? Yeah?

Are you all right?

Yeah. Come here.

Get a room!

Come on, let's go back in. No. I'm sorting this out.

You should listen to your brother, you know.

Excuse me?

Danny cheated on you with my best friend last night.

What? We saw them doing it.

And then Mick tried to stand up for you, and Danny hit him.

No, I didn't.

It's all lies, Lucy, she's lying.

What the hell, Danny? Are they telling the truth? No!

Did you hit my brother?

You're a scumbag, hitting a boy with cancer.

Sorry. What?!

I've got a swelling on my testicle.

Me and mum, we didn't want to tell anyone.

What do you mean, you didn't want to tell anyone?

I'm your sister, for Christ's sake!

It got out last night at the party.

Wait, is that where you two have been going? The hospital?

Look, Lucy, don't be listening to this.

Oh, fuck off, Danny! And don't come near me.

You're emotional, right?

Don't be getting...

Fuck.

And you're a cheating prick!

And if you touch my brother again, I'll rip your balls off.

Lucy, I'm just...

What about us?

What about our tattoos?

The tattoos look shit!

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm sorry.

But you're going to be all right? You're not, like...

I mean, you'll be able to sort it?

I don't know. I find out next week.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Mick!

I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry!

It's OK.

It's all going to be OK.

Michael. Thank you for coming in.

So, we have your test results here.

The swelling on your testicle is, um...

'Cancer. It's cancer. Just tell me. Just tell me I'm dead.'

Fluid. What?

What? What?

Fluid.

Must be about 400ml by the looks of it.

Cancer fluid?

It's a hydrocele.

A what? What's that?

It's a build-up of fluid in the innermost membrane

surrounding your testicle.

It can be caused by a defection in the absorbing mechanism.

Is it cancer?

No. It's perfectly harmless.

Oh, my God! That is just... Oh, that's brilliant news.

Thank you, thank you so much.

And...and what do we do now, then?

Well, we have two options.

There's surgery.

'I'm not letting some surgeon poke around my ball sack.'

What's the other option?

Well, we can insert a needle and let the fluid drain out.

The only problem there is it might come back, in which case

we'd have to keep needling it every year or so.

Surgery!

OK, Michael, I want you to count backwards from ten.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six...

All right, son.

Dad.

I'm proud of you going through everything that you have.

It's not easy.

It was pretty grim.

But you're getting through it.

No doubt you had your mum worried sick.

Yeah.

She's a wild worrier.

I don't know how she held it together

with you three when I was dying.

But she did. She did everything.

You make sure and thank her.

I will, Da. Good man.

Mick? Speak of the devil. Time for you to get up.

What?

Mick?

Mick?

Mum.

Lord bless us and save us.

You all right?

You're awake.

You did it. It's over.

Have you been here the whole time?

Not the whole time!

I've got a life, too, you know!

Thanks, Mum. What for?

For helping me.

Ach, sure I didn't do anything.

Except maybe light a few candles for you at mass.

No, Mum. Seriously.

Well...

..I'm your mum.

And thanks for everything you did,

like, when Dad died. You know?

I don't know how you done it.

Well, sure,

I had to get on with it, you know?

He loved you all so much.

I remember after he died people kept saying to me,

"You're so lucky to have those kids. You're so lucky to have them".

And I just kept thinking, "I wish I had none of yous."

It was the burden. No, no, the responsibility.

I didn't know how I could be there for yous when I was in bits myself.

I missed him.

I missed him so much.

I... I didn't know if I could be strong enough for yous, you know?

But sure...

..that's what he wanted in the end, you know,

"Make sure you're there for them, Pat.

"Make sure you're there for them."

I tried. Lord knows I tried.

I couldn't bring him back for you,

but, sure, I could do everything else.

Ach...

..your dad was a great man, Michael.

I know.

Right.

Let's see about getting you out of here.

We can't have you staying here too long, getting used to being

waited on hand and foot. Don't want you getting any ideas!

BUZZER

Yeoooo! Careful, boys! Careful!

Ah, easy. I'm fragile!

Did the doctor touch your balls?

I bet you jizzed everywhere, did you?

Any more of that talk, Tommy, and you'll be out.

Sorry, Mrs Campbell.

Are you all right, though?

It's not too sore?

Yeah, but I'm OK.

And they still work OK?

I fuckin' hope so!

Made you a cake.

HE LAUGHS

Thanks. It's a masterpiece.

And, Mick, you're never going to guess who this is.

Mick, this is Niamh.

She's come up from Newry.

Hello.

THEY CHUCKLE

MUSIC: Jerk It Out by Caesars

♪ Cos it's easy when you know how it's done

♪ You can't stop now, it's already begun

♪ You feel it runnin' through your bones

♪ And you jerk it out. ♪