Original subtitles

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Kove: WELL DONE, AGENTS.

IT'LL BE A HOT DAY IN

SASKATCHEWAN BEFORE THE CANADA

TERROR LEAGUE VISITS SAN DIEGO

AGAIN.

>> Piper: WE KNOCKED THE SMUG

GRINS OFF THEIR

ALAN THICKE-LOOKING FACES.

>> Alphonse: IT'S LIKE WE ALWAYS

SAY IN ALASKA, CANADA AIN'T

NOTHIN' BUT THE MEAT IN

AMERICA'S SANDWICH.

>> Sam: TOTALLY.

WE REALLY SHOWED THOSE DUMB

CANUCKS.

>> Jessie: YEAH! WE DID IT!

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT, "WE"?

WHAT DID YOU TWO DO?

>> Sam: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I-I HACKED INTO THE CANADIAN

MAIN FRAME.

>> Jessie: AND I MADE THE

ANTIDOTE THAT SAVED THE

SAN DIEGO WATER SUPPLY.

>> Alphonse: I MEAN, ANYBODY

COULD OF DONE THAT.

>> Piper: BABOONS CAN DO THAT.

>> Trent: AND BABOONS ARE THE

DUMBEST MEMBERS OF THE MONKEY

KINGDOM.

>> Jessie: WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S NOT NICE.

>> Kove: OKAY, OKAY.

EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN.

WE ALL KNOW SAM AND JESSIE

AREN'T ESSENTIAL PERSONNEL.

>> Jessie: [ SCOFFS ]

>> Kove: BUT THAT'S NO REASON

FOR US TO GET NASTY.

>> Jessie: THAT'S IT!

I'M...GOING ON A BREAK.

>> Trent: MAKE SURE YOU TAKE ALL

YOUR LAB-GEEK FRIENDS WITH YOU.

>> Piper: YEAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Piper: THAT'S ODD.

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

>> JAMAICAN BOBSLED.

[ JACKET ZIPS ]

YOUR MISSION IS TO RETRIEVE THE

MANCIA DEVICE AND SPEAK IN A

RUSSIAN ACCENT.

>> Piper: [ Russian Accent ]

JAMAICAN BOBSLED.

[ SCREAMING ]

[ ALARM BLARING ]

>> Trent: IF THIS IS HOW SHE

REACTS TO HER BIRTHDAY, I'D HATE

TO SEE HER ON HER PERIOD.

>> DIEGO!

>> ♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

[ ALARM BLARING ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> Sam: PIPER, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

>> Piper: MY NAME IS

EVANKA SNITCHKU, AND I AM HERE

FOR THE MANCIA DEVICE.

>> Alphonse: THEN MAKE LIKE AN

IGLOO AND CHILL.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO HURT

YOU.

[ THUD ]

>> Sam: OH, BOY.

>> Piper: MY NAME IS

EVANKA SNITCHKU.

>> Sam: UH-HUH.

>> Piper: AND I AM HERE FOR THE

MANCIA DEVICE.

>> Sam: NICE TO MEET YOU, VODKA.

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

OH, WAIT!

[ CRASH ]

[ ALARM BLARES ]

>> ENTERING LOCK DOWN.

SYSTEM SHUT DOWN.

>> Piper: YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE

DONE THAT.

>> Jessie: THEY'RE SUCH JERKS.

THEY THINK JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE

SO HOT THEY CAN SAY AND DO

WHATEVER THEY WANT.

>> JUST FACE IT, JESSIE.

NERDS LIKE US WILL NEVER LIVE A

NORMAL LIFE.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE CALLED NERDS.

[ ALARM BLARING ]

>> Sam: UGH, HOW LONG HAVE WE

BEEN OUT?

>> Alphonse: MUST HAVE BEEN A

COUPLE HOURS.

>> Trent: UH, WELL, SHE'S BACK.

>> Sam: WHO'S BACK?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

>> Kove: THAT WAS A SLEEPING DOG

THAT JUST WOKE UP.

>> Alphonse: DOG?

IT'S MORE LIKE A ONE-WOMAN WOLF

PACK.

>> Kove: ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN.

SAM, PULL UP FILE 3176 ONSCREEN.

>> Sam: I CAN'T.

WE'RE ON LOCKDOWN.

ALL THE COM LINKS ARE DEAD --

INTERNET, AUDIO, VIDEO,

EVERYTHING.

>> Trent: DAMN.

WE'RE TOTALLY CUT OFF.

>> Kove: WELL, THEN, I GUESS

WORDS WILL HAVE TO DO.

BACK BEFORE EITHER OF YOU CAME

TO NTSF, PIPER WAS ABDUCTED AND

BRAINWASHED BY A TERRORIST CELL.

WHEN WE GOT HER BACK, JESSIE

RE-WASHED HER BRAIN, BUT I GUESS

SOME DIRTY LAUNDRY WAS LEFT

BEHIND.

>> Sam: MUST HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED

BY THAT BIRTHDAY CARD.

>> Kove: PRECISELY.

AND NOW WE NEED TO USE THE RESET

WORD THAT WILL BRING HER BACK.

>> Alphonse: OKAY, NO SWEAT.

SO, W-WHAT'S THE RESET WORD?

>> Kove: SADLY, THAT'S A JESSIE

QUESTION.

ONLY SHE KNOWS THE SECRET WORD

TO FIX PIPER.

>> Alphonse: WELL, WHAT GENIUS'S

IDEA WAS IT TO JUST GIVE THE

WORD TO ONE PERSON?

>> Kove: WELL, NOT ME.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

>> Alphonse: OKAY.

>> Kove: ROBOT S.A.M., GET ON

THE P.A. AND START CYCLING

THROUGH EVERY WORD IN THE

ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

EVERYBODY ELSE, SPREAD OUT.

>> A, AARDVARK...

>> Kove: WE NEED TO FIND PIPER

AND MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T GET A

HOLD OF THE MANCIA DEVICE.

BUT BE CAREFUL.

SHE'S MOST LIKELY BOOBY-TRAPPED

THE ENTIRE AREA.

>> Sam: LOOK, A RAG DOLL.

>> ...AC/DC, ACIDIC...

>> Kove: ALPHONSE, YOU TAKE SAM.

>> Alphonse: OH, MAN!

>> Kove: TRENT, YOU COME WITH

ME.

>> Trent: SORRY, KOVE.

I WORK ALONE.

>> ...AFFIRMATIVE...

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

GOT ANOTHER ROUND OF FRO FRO

YO-YOS, COMPLIMENTS OF THE

GENTLEMAN RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> BEAUTIFUL YOGURT FOR A

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

MY NAME IS ENRIQUE.

I AM A MODEL PHOTOGRAPHER, AND

I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU AND YOUR

BEAUTIFUL FRIEND'S PICTURES.

LET'S GET YOU OUT THAT NTSF,

HUH?

>> Jessie: HOW DO YOU KNOW WE

WORK FOR NTSF?

>> IT'S...WRITTEN ON YOUR LAB

COAT.

>> Jessie: OH.

>> Alphonse: GOT TO GET OUR

HANDS ON THAT MANCIA DEVICE

BEFORE CRAZY PIPER DOES.

>> Sam: HEY, WHAT DOES THAT

THING DO, ANYWAY?

>> Alphonse: IT'S A SONIC

RESONATOR.

>> A SONIC RESONATOR?

>> Sam: WAIT, WHOA.

IF THEY SET THAT OFF UNDER THE

BORDER, THAT COULD CAUSE A LAND

TSUNAMI, AND MEXICO WOULD SLIDE

UP ON TOP OF SAN DIEGO.

>> REAL-ESTATE PRICES WOULD

PLUMMET.

>> Alphonse: [ Panting ] REALLY?

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A REALLY

LOUD SPEAKER OR SOMETHING.

>> Sam: OH, HEY, A GAY PONY.

>> Alphonse: SAM, N-O-O-O-O!

>> ...BELLOW...

>> Alphonse: IT AIN'T A PIÑATA

IF IT'S NOT AT A PARTY, MAN.

>> ...BEET...

[ ALARM BLARES ]

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> ...BETA BLOCKERS,

BETA-CAROTENE, BETAMAX...

BETCHA, BETRAYAL...

BICYCLE, BIFF...

>> Trent: WELL, WELL, WELL.

MANCIA DEVICE.

IT LOOKS LIKE I FOUND IT FIRST,

AS ALWAYS.

NOW IT'S UP TO ME TO PROTECT IT.

SERIOUSLY, IF I WASN'T AROUND

HERE, THIS PLACE WOULD BE IN THE

TOILET.

[ CRASH ]

>> ...BLADE, BLESS...

[ CELLPHONE DIALING ]

...BLESSING, BLOOMERS...

>> Piper: I HAVE MANCIA DEVICE.

>> EXCELLENT.

MY DISTRACTION IS WORKING.

>> Jessie: WHO WAS THAT?

>> OH, JUST AN ASSISTANT...

[ CELLPHONE CLATTERS ]

...DELIVERING A PACKAGE.

>> Jessie: I HAVE TO WARN YOU.

YOU MIGHT NEED TO AIR-BRUSH US.

>> ESPECIALLY MY DISGUSTING

STOMACH.

>> OH, COME ON.

LET'S BE MODELS.

HERE WE GO.

SHOW ME THOSE GUNS.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

THAT'S IT. LOVE IT.

THERE YOU GO.

YES. OKAY.

>> HEY, LOOK.

THEY HAVE COSTUMES.

>> Jessie: DELIVERY JACKET...

AFRO WIG...

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE THAT DELIVERY GUY FROM

NTSF THIS MORNING.

[ GASPS ] THAT'S HOW YOU KNEW I

WORKED THERE.

THIS -- THIS IS ALL A PRANK!

>> OF COURSE IT IS.

I MEAN, COME ON.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HIDEOUS.

>> Jessie: [ GASPS ]

>> I JUST NEEDED TO KEEP YOU OUT

OF NTSF, MAKING SURE YOU DIDN'T

CURE MY SWEET LITTLE PIPER.

NOW...

YOU DIE!

>> Jessie: [ GASPS ]

>> STROBES!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> ...CRISPY, CRISTAL...

CRITERIA, CRITIQUAY --

I-I MEAN CRITIQUE...

>> Kove: [ GASPS ]

PIPER, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT

YOURSELF RIGHT NOW.

AND WHILE THAT'S TOTALLY NOT MY

FAULT, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU.

>> Piper: RELEASE SECURITY

LOCKDOWN.

>> Kove: NEVER.

>> Piper: ABOUT A TRADE?

I GIVE YOU MY BODY.

YOU BRING SYSTEM BACK ONLINE.

>> Kove: OKAY, I'M GONNA STOP

THIS RIGHT NOW.

I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING, AND

I'M JUST GONNA TELL YOU.

I'M NOT INTO IT.

>> Piper: PRETTY DANCE.

LET ME GIVE YOU MASSAGE.

>> Kove: AHH.

NO, THANK YOU.

LOOK I'M WITH NOT A HOMOPHOBE...

AT ALL.

BUT I COULDN'T BE MORE NOT

INTO WHAT YOU'RE SELLING IF

YOU WERE A HOMELESS MAN HAWKING

BATTERIES ON THE SUBWAY AND I

WAS ALLERGIC TO COPPER TOPS.

MY FREEWAY IS ONE-WAY ONLY.

>> Piper: FINE.

IF YOU WON'T BE SEDUCED, THEN I

KNOCK YOU NOT CONSCIOUS.

>> Kove: PREFERRED.

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

>> YOU LOOK LIKE KATHY BATES

DOING A KATHY GRIFFIN

IMPRESSION.

>> Jessie: YOU ARE A TERRIBLE

PHOTOGRAPHER!

YOU LOOK LIKE A LESS-ATTRACTIVE

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS.

>> WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T TREAT

MY CATS LIKE THEY'RE MY

CHILDREN.

>> Jessie: THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

YOU JUST GOT OVEREXPOSED.

>> OH, THAT'S A GREAT PUN.

NICE ONE, JESSIE.

[ ALARM BLARES ]

>> Alphonse: TRENT!

>> Sam: ALPHONSE, DON'T.

HE MIGHT BE BOOBY-TRAPPED.

>> Alphonse: HEY, STICK TO THE

LAB WORK.

LET THE BIG DOGS DO THEY JOB.

>> Alphonse: TRENT!

>> Sam: [ LAUGHS ]

YOU GOT GASSED.

SUCKER.

SUCKER. UH...ALPHONSE?

UH...ALPHONSE?

>> W-W-WELCOME TO N-NTSF.

PLEASE ENTER YOUR

S-S-SECURITY CLEARANCE C-CODE.

[ KEYPAD BEEPING ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> Jessie: THANKS, DANNY.

>> N-N-N-N-NO P-P-P-P-P-PROBLEM,

J-J-J-J-J-JESSIE.

DAMN IT.

>> ...DAFFODIL, DAHLIA, DAILY,

DAIRY QUEEN, DAIQUIRI, DAISY...

>> Sam: VODKA, HEY.

HEY, YOU LOOK GREAT TODAY, EVEN

BETTER THAN --

[ GRUNTING ]

OHH.

>> Piper: BRING SYSTEM BACK

ONLINE.

>> Sam: I CAN'T.

IT CAN ONLY BE REACTIVATED FROM

OUTSIDE.

>> Piper: THEN...

[ GUN COCKS ]

...BYE-BYE.

>> Sam: NO.

[ GUN CLICKING ]

OH, THANK GOD.

[ SHING! ]

OH, DEAR GOD.

OH, UNH....

>> Jessie: EVANKA, DEACTIVATE!

>> Piper: UNH.

[ Normal voice ] WHAT HAPPENED?

>> DEACTIVATE.

>> Sam: OH.

>> Piper: WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH.

>> Sam: "DEACTIVATE"?

THAT'S THE DEACTIVATION WORD?

>> Trent: WATCH OUT, NERDS!

>> Jessie: [ GASPS ] OH.

>> Kove: TRENT, YOU DID IT.

YOU STOPPED PIPER.

>> Alphonse: WAY TO GO, HAUSER.

>> Trent: I DID IT AGAIN.

>> Sam: NO WAY.

JESSIE IS THE ONE THAT SAVED

EVERYONE.

>> Jessie: TRENT JUST CAME IN

AND KNOCKED OUT THE REAL PIPER.

>> Kove: IT'S NOT FOR US TO

DECIDE WHO'S RIGHT OR WRONG.

THOUGH, IT'S CLEAR I DID NOTHING

WRONG.

NOW, LET'S CLEAN UP THESE

STINKING CORPSES GET BACK TO

WORK.

IT'S SO WEIRD.

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

>> JAMAICAN BOBSLED.

[ JACKET ZIPS, GUNSHOT ]

[ JACKET ZIPS, GUNSHOT ] >> [ SCREAM ]

>> [ SCREAM ]

>> HELLO.

ALWAYS MY P-PLEASURE TO BE

ACKNOWLEDGED BY YOU.