Original subtitles

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES,

MAYOR FRANCISCAS WILL START UP

THE SAN DIEGO C.E.R.N. PARTICLE

ACCELERATOR.

THIS MACHINE PRE-SPEEDS UP

ATOMIC PARTICLE BEFORE SHIPPING

THEM OFF TO SWITZERLAND'S

HADRON COLLIDER.

AS YOU CAN SEE, OPINIONS ON THIS

DEVICE ARE MIXED.

>> OF COURSE WE SHOULD BE AFRAID

OF THIS THING.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S

CAPABLE OF.

I LOOKED SOME STUFF UP ON THE

INTERNET, AND I DON'T REALLY

KNOW MUCH ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT

FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, TH-THIS

COULD CAUSE BLACK HOLES.

IT COULD CAUSE RIFTS IN TIME AND

SPACE.

ANYTHING COULD GO WRONG.

UH, FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, THE

NTSF, WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE

PROTECTING SAN DIEGO FROM

TERRORISTS, IS UP THERE

PROTECTING THIS FACILITY.

I GOT NEWS FOR THEM.

UH, THERE'S ONE TERRORIST THEY

CANNOT PROTECT SCIENCE FROM,

AND THAT'S THE ORIGINAL

TERRORIST -- GOD.

>> BACK TO YOU, EILEEN.

>> Kove: WE'VE RECEIVED REPORTS

OF A SECURITY BREACH IN THE

MAINFRAME COMPUTER.

WE SUSPECT IT'S A PRELUDE TO A

TERRORIST ATTACK ON THE

ACCELERATOR.

FRESH EYES, PEOPLE --

FRESH EYES!

C.E.R.N. SPINS UP IN TWO

MINUTES.

>> INITIALIZING REACTOR

PROTOCOL.

>> Piper: SEE MY FIANCé ON TV?

>> Alphonse: WHO, TUCKER?

>> Piper: YEAH.

HE'S PROTESTING AGAINST SCIENCE.

>> Alphonse: OH, YEAH?

>> Piper: I'M REALLY PROUD

OF HIM.

>> Trent: WHAT'S THIS?

>> Kove: THAT'S THE NUCLEUS OF

THE REACTOR.

IT'S WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.

>> Trent: THEN THAT'S WHERE THE

TERRORISTS ARE GONNA STRIKE, SO

I'M GOING IN.

>> Piper: TRENT, NO.

YOUR CELLS WOULD BE TORN APART

ON AN ATOMIC LEVEL.

>> Kove: TRENT, THAT'S MADNESS.

>> Trent: YOU GUYS CAN SIT

AND TALK.

I'M GOING IN. OUT OF MY WAY!

>> Piper: TRENT, NO!

>> 3...2...

>> Trent: THIS WASN'T SUCH A

GOOD IDEA.

>> ...1.

[ WARBLING ]

>> Trent: AAH!

WHAT THE?

>> Alt Trent: WHAT THE?

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

THAT GUY'S NOT WEARING ANY

PANTS.

>> Trent: IT'S OKAY. I'M NTSF.

>> NTSF? HE'S A TERRORIST!

HE'S A NAKED TERRORIST!

>> Trent: I'M NOT A TERRORIST.

UH, I'M JUST -- WHAT IS THIS

PLACE?

OOH, BOY.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

>> Alt Piper: TRENT, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?!

[ EXPLOSION ]

WE GOT TO GO!

>> Trent: NO. NO!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Alt Alphonse: DID YOU GET THE

PASS CODES?!

>> Alt Piper: TRENT, DID YOU GET

THE PASS CODES?

>> Trent: WHAT PASS CODES?

>> Alt Alphonse: BASE, THIS IS

THE SAN DIEGO CHICKEN.

WE'RE HEADING BACK TO THE ROOST.

>> Alt Piper: GOOD THING I

ALWAYS CARRY ANOTHER PAIR.

>> Trent: WHERE'S OUR S.U.V.?

>> YOU REALLY SCREWED THE POOCH

TODAY, BUCKO.

WE NEEDED THOSE SECURITY CODES,

JERK.

AND GUESS WHAT YOU DID -- YOU

TOOK YOUR PANTS OFF.

>> Alt Kove: MR. PRESIDENT, I

ASSURE YOU --

>> OH, SHUT IT.

JUST SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH.

OKAY, LISTEN -- COME HELL OR

HIGH WATER, WE'RE BLOWING UP

THAT SAN DIEGO PARTICLE

ACCELERATOR.

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

>> [ LAUGHING ]

WHO'S THE BEST?

CHICO, WHO's THE BEST?

HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

WHATEVER.

>> Alt Kove: YOU REALLY BLEW IT

TODAY, TRENT.

>> Trent: SO, NTSF CAUSES

TERRORISM?

>> Alt Kove: THIS IS NO TIME FOR

JOKES.

DON'T SCREW UP AGAIN, TRENT.

>> Alt Sam: WATCH YOURSELF,

PUNK.

GOT IT? GOT IT? HUH?

HUH? DO YOU HEAR ME? HUH?

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Alt Sam: YEAH, YOU HEARD

THAT.

>> Trent: I'LL BE A HORSE'S ASS.

THIS IS ONE DIFFERENT UNIVERSE.

>> Trent: HEY, S.A.M.

>> [ Cockney accent ] GOOD

AFTERNOON, AGENT HAUSER.

HOW MAY I HELP YOU BRING ABOUT

REVOLUTION TODAY?

>> Trent: I NEED TO ASK YOU A

COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

>> OF COURSE.

>> Trent: HYPOTHETICALLY, COULD

YOU USE THE NUCLEAR CHAMBER AND

A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR TO BE A

PORTAL TO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE?

>> EVERYONE KNOWS THERE ARE AN

INFINITE NUMBER OF PARALLEL

UNIVERSES.

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS?

WAIT -- YOU'RE AN

INTERDIMENSIONAL IMPOSTER,

AREN'T YA?

SECURITY BRE...

[ WARBLES ]

[ BEEPS, WARBLES ]

GOOD AFTERNOON, AGENT HAUSER.

>> Trent: IF I WAS AN

INTERDIMENSIONAL TRENT HAUSER

IMPOSTER, COULD I USE THE

SAN DIEGO C.E.R.N. TO TRAVEL

BACK TO MY OWN UNIVERSE?

>> YEAH, SURE, BUT WE'RE ABOUT

TO BLOW IT UP.

WAIT.

>> Trent: MEMORY ERASE.

>> [ WARBLES ]

>> Alt Alphonse: HEY, UH, WHY'D

YOU JUST ERASE SAM'S MEMORY?

>> Trent: UH, SOMETIMES I USE

SAM TO MASTURBATE ME.

>> Alt Alphonse: Me too.

>> Alt Kove: GENTLEMEN, BECAUSE

OF TRENT'S SCREW-UP THIS

MORNING, WE NO LONGER HAVE THE

PASS CODES TO THE REACTOR.

TRENT, I WANT YOU TO TAKE

ALPHONSE AND KIDNAP THE LEAD

C.E.R.N. SCIENTIST TOMORROW.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE

THAT AND STILL KEEP YOUR LITTLE

PANTS ON?

>> Trent: MY PANTS ARE --

>> Alt Kove: DO NOT TALK BACK TO

ME, MISTER.

NOW LET'S GO.

WE'VE GOT A LONG DAY AHEAD OF US

TOMORROW.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Alt Alphonse: GO!

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT, HERE WE

ARE.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

>> Alt Kove: [ LAUGHS ]

OH, YOU.

JUST BECAUSE WE ARGUE AT WORK

DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE NOT MAN AND

WIFE.

I LOVE YOU.

[ SMOOCHES ]

>> Trent: I LOVE YOU, TOO.

>> Alt Kove: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT IS THIS?

>> Alt Kove: YOUR FAVORITE.

IT'S A DECO DISK ENGRAVED WITH

ALL OUR SECRET MEMORIES.

IT TOOK ME SIX YEARS TO MAKE IT.

>> Trent: THANK YOU.

UM, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, AS

WELL.

UH...

>> Alt Kove: [ GASPS ]

>> Trent: OH.

>> Alt Kove: WHAT IS THIS?

SOME KIND OF NOVELTY JOKE MONEY?

WHOSE PICTURE IS THIS?

WHERE'S RONALD REAGAN?

>> Trent: THIS IS --

>> Alt Kove: YOU FORGOT OUR

ANNIVERSARY.

YOU'RE IN THE DOG HOUSE NOW,

MISTER.

[ CAR DOOR SLAMS ]

>> Trent: I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF

THIS PLACE.

>> Alt Alphonse: NOW, KEEP YOUR

EYES OPEN FOR THEIR CHIEF

SCIENTIST, THE HEAD OF THE

PARTICLE ACCELERATOR.

>> Trent: WAIT A SECOND.

THIS IS PIPER'S FIANCé, TUCKER.

>> Alt Alphonse: PIPER'S FIANCé,

TUCKER?

PIPER DOESN'T GO FOR DUDES!

>> Trent: LOOK. THERE HE IS.

>> Alt Alphonse: LOOK?

YOU KNOW I'M BLIND.

>> Trent: BUT YOU DROVE HERE.

>> Alt Alphonse: NOW!

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> WHO ARE YOU RUFFIANS?!

WHERE AM I GOING?!

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!

HELP ME!

>> Alt Piper: WE WANT THE PASS

CODES TO THE PARTICLE

ACCELERATOR.

>> Alt Sam: WE CAN DO THIS THE

EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY.

>> DO...YOUR...WORST.

[ SCREAMING ]

>> Trent: WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

>> Alt Kove: TORTURING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> Alt Piper: YOU ASKED FOR IT!

>> Trent: THIS REALITY'S A

PUSSY.

>> [ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

>> Alt Kove: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT POWERS THE MINI FRIDGE.

WHAT POSSIBLE OTHER USE COULD IT

HAVE?

>> Trent: MAYBE RECHARGING HIS

MEMORY?

>> I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU THOSE

PASS CODES.

>> Trent: REALLY?

>> NEVER!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

[ SCREAMS ]

543291.

543291!

>> Trent: ANYTHING ELSE YOU

WANT TO KNOW?

>> Alt Kove: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

HAD IT IN YOU.

I'M BEGINNING TO SEE YOU IN A

WHOLE NEW LIGHT.

>> Alt Piper: WHAT'S MY

HIGH-SCHOOL LOCKER COMBINATION?

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> BATTING NEXT, MICHAEL EARLE.

>> Alt Jessie: EVERYBODY...

EVERYBODY, I'M GETTING MARRIED.

>> Trent: YOU? TO WHO?

>> Alt Jessie: ONLY TO THE

COOLEST GUY IN SAN DIEGO.

>> Trent: BUT YOU'RE NERDS.

>> Alt Sam: MM-HMM.

SHE FINALLY MADE AN HONEST

TERRORIST OUT OF ME.

>> Alt Jessie: [ LAUGHS ]

I FIGURED AFTER YEARS OF

MEANINGLESS, MINDBLOWING SEX, IT

WAS TIME TO SETTLE DOWN.

>> Alt Sam: MM-HMM.

>> Alt Kove: THESE SCIENTIST

ROBES WE STOLE WILL GET YOU INTO

C.E.R.N.

ONCE INSIDE, YOU'LL USE THE

PASS CODES TO DISABLE THE

SECURITY SYSTEM.

THEN WE'LL PLANT EXPLOSIVE

DEVICES, AND IT'LL BE

ARRIVEDERCI, SCIENCE.

>> Alt Alphonse: LET'S GO!

>> Alt Piper: LET'S GO, LET'S

GO, LET'S GO!

>> Alt Alphonse: COME ON!

>> Alt Piper: MOVE, PEOPLE!

GO. GO.

>> Alt Alphonse: LET'S GO!

[ BOMB BEEPS ]

>> Alt Alphonse: WE'VE GOT TO

GET OUT OF HERE!

>> Alt Piper: TRENT, LET'S GO.

>> Trent: BE RIGHT THERE.

>> Alt Piper: COME ON, PEOPLE,

MOVE!

[ BOMB BEEPING ]

[ BEEPING INTENSIFIES ]

>> Alt Kove: STOP RIGHT THERE.

YOU LOOK LIKE THE TRENT I LOVE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT HIM.

>> Trent: IF YOU WANT YOUR TRENT

BACK, THEN YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME

GO.

>> Alt Kove: THAT'S JUST IT.

I THINK I LIKE THE NEW TRENT

BETTER.

>> Trent: IF I STAY WITH YOU,

I'LL BE TRAPPED FOREVER.

AND I WAGER YOU WON'T PULL THAT

TRIGGER.

>> Alt Kove: YOU'RE RIGHT, AS

ALWAYS.

>> Trent: YEAH. OBVIOUSLY.

UH, LATER.

YOU!

>> Alt Trent: YOU!

AAAAH!

>> Alt Kove: GODSPEED, YOU

HANDSOME SON OF A BITCH.

>> Trent: HERE WE GO AGAIN!

[ SCREAMING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

MY PANTS.

I'M HOME.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

>> Alt Alphonse #2: WHAT THE

HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?

>> Alt Jessie #2: WHERE'S YOUR

MUSTACHE?

>> Alt Piper #2: HE HAS

NO MUSTACHE.

>> Alt Sam #2: HE'S A SHAVEN.

>> Trent: NO! NO!

>> All: CLEAN-SHAVEN!

CLEAN-SHAVEN! CLEAN-SHAVEN!

>> Trent: GOD HELP ME! NOOOO!

I DON'T WANT TO...

[ SCREAMS ]