Original subtitles

>> * I WANT TO DO WHATEVER I

WANT TO DO *

* 'CAUSE IT FEELS GOOD

TO BE BAD *

>> Sam: THAT SHOULD DO IT.

COMPUTER'S ALL SET UP.

WHOA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JESSIE, WE'RE CO-WORKERS.

>> Jessie: SO?

Let's live dangerously.

>> Sam: YOU MISUNDERSTOOD

SOMETHING.

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU IN THAT

WAY.

WAIT.

DID YOU THINK THAT THIS WAS A

DATE?

>> Jessie: IS IT MY GLASSES?

>> Sam: I MEAN, HONESTLY,

THEY'RE NOT HELPING.

OH, GOD. NO. THEY WERE HELPING.

PUT THEM BACK ON.

[ GUNS COCK ]

>> FREEZE!

>> Jessie: [ GASPS ]

LOOKS LIKE THIS DATE JUST WENT

FROM BAD TO --

>> Sam: WHOA. NOT A DATE.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Piper: WASHED ASHORE THIS

MORNING.

>> Trent: THANKS FOR COMING IN

ON YOUR DAY OFF.

>> Piper: NO PROBLEM.

SO, WE TRIED TO RUN THE PLATES,

BUT IT TURNS OUT IT'S NOT A CAR.

IT'S A BOAT.

AND IT'S JESSIE'S BOAT, ALL

RIGHT.

THERE'S TRACE AMOUNTS OF

LONELINESS AND DESPERATION ALL

OVER THE PLACE.

>> Alphonse: LOOKS LIKE WE DON'T

HAVE ALL OF THE PIECES TO WHAT I

LIKE TO CALL "THE PUZZLE."

>> PERHAPS I COULD BE OF SOME

HELP.

COMMANDER KOVE THOUGHT MY POWERS

OF PERSUASION MIGHT BE OF

SERVICE.

THEY CALL ME "THE MENTLEMAN."

>> Trent: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED

TO BE -- SOME COMBINATION OF THE

WORDS MEN AND GENTLEMAN?

>> Alphonse: THE MENTLEMAN.

YOU'RE THE DUDE WHO CAN SEE THE

PAST WITH HIS MIND, RIGHT?

>> INDEED. AND MORE.

EXCUSE ME.

[ GASPING ]

THE SAILBOAT WASHED UP THIS

MORNING...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...DURING A VOLLEYBALL GAME...

>> UH-OH! OH, MY GOD!

I LOVE VOLLEYBALL.

>> ...AN ALL-FEMALE VOLLEYBALL

GAME.

>> OH! NICE ONE!

>> DIRTY, DIRTY GIRLS.

>> OH!

NASTIES!

>> SWEATY ON TOP.

>> [ MOANS ]

>> Trent: THIS GUY'S A PHONY.

>> Alphonse: YEAH.

>> YOU GOT ME, DAWG.

>> Trent: OH.

DON'T BOTHER WITH YOUR TRICKS,

MENTLEMAN.

I CAN'T BE HYPNOTIZED.

>> DOG.

YOU ARE A DOG.

>> Trent: [ BARKING ]

>> [ CLAPS ]

>> Piper: WOW!

>> Alphonse: [ LAUGHS ]

NOW TRE IS THE DOG!

>> Piper: HOW AMAZING!

>> SEEMS YOUR BARK IS WORSE THAN

YOUR BITE.

>> Trent: [ HOWLING ]

>> HOW MANY SHIPS DO YOU HAVE?

>> Jessie: "SHIPS"?

I MEAN, ONE, BUT IT -- IT'S JUST

A SAILBOAT.

>> YOU LIE!

YOU, UGLY GIRL, YOU TELL TRUTH,

OR WE HURT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

>> Sam: WHOA, I AM NOT HER

BOYFRIEND.

>> Jessie: WE -- NO, WE DON'T

KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

WE'RE FIGURING IT OUT AS WE GO

ALONG.

>> Sam: NO.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS.

WE'RE FRIENDS-ISH.

>> Kove: WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

>> Piper: WE MANAGED TO ISOLATE

A FOOTPRINT THAT WAS MADE IN

LIPSTICK THAT WE FOUND ON THE

BOAT.

>> Kove: WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

>> Piper: OF COURSE.

IT'S CALLED A FOOTPRINT.

YOU SEE, EVERYONE'S STEP HAS A

UNIQUE MARKING.

AND WE FOUND ONE OF THESE

MARKINGS AND THEN WERE ABLE TO

USE IT TO DETERMINE SOME

INFORMATION ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO

TOOK JESSIE.

LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT TYPE OF

SHOE THEY WEAR.

>> Kove: INTERESTING.

SO WE ALL HAVE THESE FOOTPRINTS?

>> Piper: YES.

>> Kove: AND THEY'RE ALL THE

SAME?

>> Piper: NO.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY ALL UNIQUE AND

DIFFERENT.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS ABLE TO USE

THIS FOOTPRINT AND ROUTE IT

INTO THE COMPUTER AND PRINT OUT

A DUPLICATE OF THE ACTUAL SHOE.

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE AN IMPERIAL

NAVY BOOT THAT THE JAPANESE WORE

IN WORLD WAR II.

>> Kove: ARE YOU SAYING THAT OUR

ABDUCTORS ARE JAPANESE SAILORS?

>> Piper: OR JAPANESE

WORLD WAR II BOOT ENTHUSIASTS?

>> Jessie: WOW!

CHECK OUT THAT CALENDAR!

CASUAL ANALYSIS OF THE PAPER

QUALITY SUGGESTS AN EASTERN

ORIGIN OF EARLY- TO MID-20th

CENTURY.

>> Sam: MAYBE SOMEWHERE AROUND

1941?

>> Jessie: POSSIBLY.

[ SIGHS ]

MY SECOND FAVORITE CONSPIRACY

BLOG DID A WHOLE SERIES ON THIS!

SOME JAPANESE SUBMARINES GOT

LOST ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK

PEARL HARBOR AND ARE STILL OUT

THERE, FIGHTING A WAR THAT ENDED

GENERATIONS AGO.

>> CAPTAIN, WE SEE LAND!

>> FINALLY, HAWAII IS WITHIN OUR

REACH.

FOR 70 YEARS, WE HAVE LIVED IN

THIS SUB.

WE HAVE LOVED IN THIS SUB.

WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED, DIVORCED,

HAVE CHILDREN, WATCHED THEM GROW

INTO MANHOOD.

AND THEY HAVE CHILDREN OF THEIR

OWN AND DIE THEMSELVES.

AND NOW WE HAVE OUR REVENGE!

LOWER THE TORPEDOES!

[ HORN SOUNDS ]

>> Alphonse: IF SHE'S NOT ON

LAND, MAYBE SHE'S STILL ON THE

WATER.

CAN YOU GET A MENTAL IMAGE OF

WHERE JESSIE IS NOW?

>> I WILL JUST LET MY FINGERTIPS

DO THE SEEING.

>> Kove: HE'S QUITE A CATCH.

PIPER, YOU'RE SINGLE, RIGHT?

>> Piper: NO. I'M ENGAGED.

>> Kove: OH, RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT YOU, ALPHONSE?

>> Alphonse: I'M STRAIGHT!

>> Kove: Really?!

>> I'VE GOT SOME FISH, AND --

AND THEY'RE DOING IT.

[ LAUGHING ]

YEAH, A WHOLE LOT OF THEM.

OH, GOD.

THEY'RE REALLY GOIN' AT IT,

DROPPING EGGS.

YEAH, GET THAT FISH. GET IT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

LISTEN UP, DIRT BAGS, KNOCK THAT

TRASH OFF.

APPARENTLY, THERE IS A

WORLD WAR II-ERA JAPANESE

SUBMARINE OFF THE COAST OF

SAN DIEGO.

DON'T ASK ME HOW.

>> Trent: JAPANESE SUB.

WE FOUND JAPANESE FOOTPRINTS ON

JESSIE'S BOAT.

>> I DON'T -- I DON'T SEE HOW

THOSE TWO THINGS ARE RELATED.

BUT, HEY. YOU'RE THE BOSS.

WE'LL RADIO YOU THE SUBMARINE'S

COORDINATES RIGHT NOW.

HEY!

DUMB ASS, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I

JUST SAID?

SEND THE COORDINATES!

IF YOU DON'T SEND THE

COORDINATES, I WILL BLOW A HOLE

IN THIS SUB AND KILL US ALL!

[ BEEP ]

THANK YOU!

>> Piper: SO JESSIE AND SAM ARE

STUCK ON A JAPANESE SUB.

>> Kove: IF IT HAD TO BE TWO

PEOPLE, THEY'RE THE ONES FOR THE

JOB.

I'M REFERRING OF COURSE TO THE

FACT THAT THEY HAVE THE LEAST TO

LIVE FOR.

>> Trent: MAYBE IF I CAN GET

ABOARD, I COULD DO SOMETHING.

>> Kove: LIKE WHAT?

BIRDIE, CAN YOU HYPNOTIZE IN...

JAPANESE?

>> Sam: WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN

TRYING TO ESCAPE?

WE'RE A MILE UNDER WATER.

>> Jessie: [ SIGHS ]

WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS SOMEHOW

FORCE THEM TO SURFACE.

>> Sam: WAIT.

THESE OLD SHIPS USED TO HAVE

ARGON TANKS IN THEIR AFT

COMPARTMENT.

>> Jessie: IT'S A HARMLESS GAS,

BUT IT MIGHT TRICK THEM INTO

THINKING THEY NEED...

>> Both: FRESH AIR.

>> Sam: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA.

YOU MISREAD THAT AS -- AS SOME

SORT OF CONNECTION.

GUARDS, I'M BEING ATTACKED!

>> Trent: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA,

YOU NAKED UNDER THERE?

>> WHY, IS IT MAKING YOU

UNCOMFORTABLE?

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

>> Jessie: TRENT!

>> Trent: JESSIE.

THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE.

>> Sam: WHAT ABOUT ME?

>> WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOKIE HERE.

WERE YOU ON A DATE WITH THIS

WOMAN?

BECAUSE YOU COULD DO SO MUCH

BETTER.

>> Sam: I KNOW.

>> Jessie: LISTEN.

WE HAVE A PLAN.

SAM HAS A HARMONIC RESONANCE

EQUALIZER.

>> Sam: YEAH.

I CALIBRATE IT TO CAUSE A

RUPTURE.

>> Trent: WE GOT A BETTER PLAN.

THE MENTLEMAN AND I ARE GONNA

HYPNOTIZE THE ENTIRE CREW AND

MAKE THEM THINK THEY'RE DOGS.

STAY HERE.

>> Sam: HEY.

WE'RE STILL HANDCUFFED.

>> Trent: Now!

YOU ARE AN INU.

INU.

>> [ BARKING, GROWLING ]

[ ALL BARKING ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE WE TAUGHT

THESE OLD DOG SOME NEW TRICKS.

NOPE. TOO DARK.

>> Kove: THAT SUB IS GOING TO

SPEND THE REST OF ITS DAYS JUST

CIRCLING LIKE A DUMB DOG TRYING

TO CATCH ITS OWN TAIL.

>> Jessie: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Piper: GREAT JOB, EVERYONE.

GREAT WORK.

>> Sam: HEY, JESSIE.

UM, I THOUGHT WE MADE A REALLY

GOOD TEAM BACK THERE ON THE SUB.

AND I GOT TWO TICKETS TO THE

BOAT SHOW.

>> Jessie: SORRY, SAM.

IT'S TOO LATE.

I'M ALREADY GOING WITH THE

MENTLEMAN.

>> Sam: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE WAS

REALLY UGLY.

>> GOT TO FEED THE BEAST.

>> Alphonse: SO, IT LOOKS LIKE

WORLD WAR II IS FINALLY OVER.

>> Kove: IT'S NEVER OVER.

AS LONG AS THERE ARE JAPANESE

PEOPLE ON AMERICAN SOIL.

>> Piper: SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU,

MENTLEMAN?

YOU GONNA STICK AROUND FOR A

WHILE?

>> UH...NO.

I THINK MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

>> Kove: BYE.

>> Trent: BUH-BYE.

>> Piper: BYE.

>> Alphonse: BUH-BYE.

>> Piper: SEE YOU, MENTLEMAN.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR

GREAT WORK.

[ ALL BARKING ]

>> [ HOWLS ]