Original subtitles

>> SO, WHAT WE DO, WE TAKE A

LITTLE BIT OF SNOW, AND YOU

SPRINKLE IT ON THE WREATH, JUST

LIKE THIS.

YOU LIKE THAT?

>> OH, LOVELY.

HOW MUCH FOR A BAG?

>> Trent: LOOK AT THESE

BASTARDS -- PUTTING COCAINE ON

INNOCENT CHRISTMAS WREATHS.

NOT IN MY SAN DIEGO.

FREEZE! NTSF.

>> NTSF? WHAT BRANCH?

>> Trent: THIS BRANCH.

>> AAH!

>> Trent: MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND

HAVE A DEADLY NEW YEAR.

MISTAKES WERE MADE.

I GOT BAD INTEL.

>> Kove: MORE THAN MISTAKES.

THOSE WERE INNOCENT PEOPLE.

IT WAS JUST A CHRISTMAS-TREE

LOT.

>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO

SAY?

IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND

UNSTAB THAT GUY IN THE NECK, I

PROBABLY WOULD.

I'D PROBABLY DO A LOT OF

THINGS -- MAKE SURE HITLER WENT

TO ART SCHOOL, INVEST IN CROCS,

MARRY BILL GATES' WIFE SO I'D BE

RICH.

>> Kove: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU GOT SOME SLEEP?

>> Trent: NOW.

>> Kove: NO, THAT WAS BLINKING.

I MEAN ACTUAL SLEEP.

>> Trent: WHEN WAS I IN THAT

NEUROTOXIN-INDUCED COMA?

>> Kove: '09.

>> Trent: '09, THEN.

>> Kove: OKAY, THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE SUSPENDED INDEFINITELY.

>> Trent: WHAT?

>> Kove: I WANT YOUR GUN, YOUR

BADGE, YOUR PHONE, AND YOUR

"FAR SIDE" CALENDAR.

TRENT, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU LIKE

THIS SINCE OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

>> Trent: WHICH ONE?

>> Kove: THE SECOND ONE.

OH, AND ONE MORE THING.

I WANT THE KEYS TO YOUR S.U.V.

>> Trent: YOU WOULDN'T DARE.

>> Kove: TRENT, YOU GOT TO TAKE

SOME TIME, GET YOUR HEAD

STRAIGHT.

>> Trent: OH, YOU LIKE GIVING

ORDERS?

TOO BAD I'M NOT A WAITER.

I'M A GOER, AND I'M GETTING A

YELLOW LIGHT FROM YOU, BUT I'M

NO CHICKEN.

I'M A MAN, AND MY FISTS ARE MY

FRIENDS, AND YOU ARE NO

CHANDLER BING.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: WHILE TRENT IS...ON

LEAVE, THE TOP AGENT FROM

NTSF: PORTLAND HAS AGREED TO

EXTEND HIS VISIT AND LEND A

HELPING HAND.

>> Piper: PORTLAND, MAINE, OR

PORTLAND, OREGON?

>> MAINE IS FOR PUSSIES.

>> Kove: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MAY I PRESENT VAN VAN DAMM,

OREGON'S MOST DECORATED AGENT.

>> Trent: BIG DEAL.

THEY GIVE OUT CITATIONS FOR DRUM

CIRCLES IN PORTLAND.

>> AH, TRENT HAUSER, JEALOUS AS

EVER.

>> Trent: VAN VAN DAMM, CRIPPLE

AS EVER.

>> SOMEDAY I'LL WALK AGAIN, BUT

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE AN A-HOLE.

>> Trent: I'M GONNA VOTE AGAINST

STEM-CELL RESEARCH EVERY CHANCE

I GET.

SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!

[ OFF-KEY CHORDS PLAY ]

[ GRUNTING ]

FOUR-LETTER WORD FOR "TURKEY

MEAT CHOICE"?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

[ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS!

>> SIT REP, PEOPLE.

TELL ME WHAT YOU GOT.

>> Alphonse: REAL LIGHTSABERS

AT COMIC CON.

>> NO!

>> Sam: STALIN'S DNA WAS STOLEN

FROM A MOBILE CLONING LAB

>> NO!

>> Sam: WHOA!

>> Piper: MEXICO'S MOVING ITS

BORDER TWO INCHES NORTH EVERY 28

DAYS.

>> NO!

16 HOP STREET, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> SOMEONE'S BEEN COUNTERFEITING

CLASS RINGS, AND A SOPHOMORE

NAMED TODD WILSON'S FIXING THE

J.V. BASKETBALL GAMES.

>> NO!

ALL OF THIS IS DINKY.

DINKY DOO!

>> Alphonse: "DINKY DOO"?

>> I'VE GOT A TIP ON TERRORIST

CELLS.

>> Alphonse: WE'RE ALREADY

MONITORING ALL TERRORIST CELLS.

>> NOT TERRORIST CELLS,

TERRORIST CELLS.

THEY'RE PROGRAMMING CELLPHONES

TO CAUSE BRAIN EXPLOSIONS.

>> Piper: HE'S GOOD.

>> GIRLFRIEND, I'M VAN DAMM

GOOD.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I WANT YOU IN YOUR S.U.V.s IN

SIX MINUTES.

>> Alphonse: THIS GUY'S A

KEEPER.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> AT CHRISTMASTIME, EVERYONE

USES A CELLPHONE.

EVERYONE LIKES A CELLPHONE.

WE'RE GOING TO USE THE CELLPHONE

AS A WEAPON.

PONCH, YOU'RE GOING TO OVERRIDE

THE SYSTEMS.

THAT WILL SEND A MASSIVE BLAST

OF RADIATION INTO EVERYBODY'S

HEADS.

POOF, IT'S GONNA BE INSTANT

BRAIN EXPLOSION.

WE'RE GOING TO SEND SAN DIEGO A

VERY SPECIAL INSTANT MESSAGE.

"SAN DIEGO, YOU'RE DEAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"L.O.L."

HUH?

>> Piper: I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS

WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN.

>> YOU ALL TAKE POSITIONS AROUND

THE PERIMETER, AND WHEN THE

MOMENT COMES, WE'LL GET THE JUMP

ON HIM.

>> Alphonse: HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN

TO ATTACK?

>> OH, YOU'LL KNOW.

NTSF!

>> WATCH OUT!

HE'S GOT A WHEELCHAIR!

>> HYA-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!

[ GUNFIRE ]

>> FINALLY, WE GOT TRENT HAUSER

HOME ALONE.

THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE.

>> Both: "RISKY BUSINESS"!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> MAN, THIS IS TOO EASY.

I'M GONNA TORTURE HIS BALLS.

>> Trent: NOT IF I PORTRAIT YOUR

BELLS FIRST.

MY HOUSE IS SURROUNDED.

NO GUN, NO CELLPHONE, NO

NTSF:SD-ISSUED S.U.V.

I'M COMPLETELY CUT OFF.

[ DOORKNOB JIGGLES ]

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Trent: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ SIGHS ]

TIME TO POOL MY RESOURCES.

[ BEEP ]

>> AAH! WHAT THE?!

OH!

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

ELECTRIC EELS!

AAH!

>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]

YOU TELL ME WHO SENT YOU, AND

I'LL CALL THEM OFF.

>> IT WAS VAN DAMM!

VAN DAMM! AAH!

>> Trent: VAN DAMM?

I GOT TO GO ALERT THE TEAM.

[ BUZZING ]

WHOA!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

>> Trent: [ SCREAMING ]

>> COME ON! COME ON!

>> Trent: AAH!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ ENGINE REVS ]

HA!

>> AAH!

[ GRUNTING ]

AAH!

>> Trent: IT'S GOOD TO BE GNOME

FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE ALL

OUT OF ROLLOVER MINUTES.

>> Alphonse: WHOA.

I THINK YOU HAVE THOSE GUNS

POINTED THE WRONG WAY.

>> Piper: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,

VAN DAMM?

>> ARE ALL ALASKANS THIS DUMB?

>> Piper: I'M ACTUALLY FROM

SAN DIEGO.

HE'S FROM ALASKA.

>> THERE IS NO TERRORIST CELL

PLOT.

THESE ARE JUST CHILDREN'S TOYS.

[ RINGTONE PLAYS, GUNS COCK ]

>> AH. L.O.L.

>> Alphonse: YOU PROBABLY DON'T

EVEN NEED THAT WHEELCHAIR.

>> NO. ACTUALLY, I DO.

MY PARENTS THOUGHT VACCINES WERE

FOR PUSSIES, SO...BUMMER.

>> Piper: WHAT DO YOU WANT,

VAN DAMM?

>> SAME THING I'VE ALWAYS

WANTED -- TO WORK IN THE HOTBED

OF TERRORISM, SAN DIEGO.

YEAR AFTER YEAR, MY REQUESTS

WERE DENIED.

YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR GOLDEN BOY,

AND HIS NAME WAS TRENT HAUSER.

SO I JUST HAD TO MAKE HIM A

LITTLE LESS GOLDEN.

>> Piper: THE CHRISTMAS-TREE

LOT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I FED HIM SOME BAD INTEL, MADE

HIM SEEM LIKE A MAD DOG, AND YOU

ALL BOUGHT IT.

>> Alphonse: YEAH, WELL, HE'LL

STOP YOU.

>> UH, 'FRAID NOT.

ACCORDING TO MY WATCH, MY TWO

BEST MEN ARE MAKING HIM DEAD

RIGHT NOW.

>> Trent: NO. NO!

DAMN IT! THEY SABOTAGED MY CAR!

[ SCOFFS ]

I NEED YOUR MOWER!

>> OH, MY GOSH!

>> Trent: GIVE ME YOUR MOWER!

>> OH! FRANK!

TRENT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[ GUNS COCK ]

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

TIME TO CAUSE SOME VAN DAMM-AGE!

>> AAAH!

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED A

TRIM!

>> OH!

AAH! MY LEGS!

MY NON-WORKING LEGS!

I CAN'T FEEL THIS, BUT I KNOW

IT'S STILL TRAUMATIC!

>> Trent: I MAY ALWAYS BE AN

A-HOLE, BUT YOU'LL NEVER WALK

AGAIN.

>> AAH!

AAH!

>> Kove: TRENT, WE ALL CHIPPED

IN AND GOT YOU A GIFT.

>> Trent: MY GUN AND BADGE?

>> Kove: WELCOME BACK, TRENT.

>> Trent: REALLY CHEAPED-OUT ON

THIS GIFT.

I GOT YOU GUYS ALL BLU-RAY

PLAYERS.

>> Piper: I WONDER HOW VAN DAMM

IS CELEBRATING HIS CHRISTMAS.

>> Trent: WHO CARES?

THE GUY'S BAD NEWS -- ALWAYS

BEEN.

>> Kove: I THOUGHT HE WAS

CHARMING.

>> Piper: YOU JUST CAN'T STAY

MAD AT VAN DAMM.

>> Alphonse: YEAH, FOR A

NON-ESKIMO DUDE, HE WAS PRETTY

COOL.

>> Sam: IT'S AS IF HE WASN'T IN

A WHEELCHAIR AT ALL.

>> IF I FELT EMOTION, I WOULD

LOVE HIM.

>> Trent: HE SET YOU ALL UP TO

BE KILLED.

>> Kove: NOW, TRENT.

IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND THAT MEANS

EVEN TERRORISTS ARE FORGIVEN.

>> All: * SILENT NIGHT

>> Alphonse: * OH, SILENT

NIGHT *

>> All: * HOLY NIGHT

>> Alphonse: * HOLIEST OF

NIGHTS *

>> All: * ALL IS CALM

>> Alphonse: * ALL IS CALM

>> All: * ALL IS BRIGHT

>> Alphonse: * AIN'T IT BRIGHT

OUTSIDE? *

>> All: * ROUND YON VIRGIN

>> HEY!

>> Alphonse: * SHE WAS A

VIRGIN *

>> HELP!

>> All: * MOTHER AND CHILD

>> Alphonse: * WHO WAS THERE,

TOO? *

>> IS ANYONE GONNA ARREST ME OR

BRING ME TO THE HOSPITAL OR

SOMETHING?

HELLO?

UGH, THIS SUCKS.

>> All: * SLEEP IN HEAVENLY

PEACE *

* SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE

>> Kove: MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> Piper: MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> Sam: MAZEL TOV.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> HEY, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

YOU DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!

THIS AIN'T HANUKKAH!

[ SLURPS ]