Original subtitles

[*]

Left, left! Go right, go right!

Go left! Go right! [SCREAMING]

I do my job.

What kind of job's that? A hand job? No.

[GRUNTS]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

DR. BRAIN: Oh, that's real mature.

God!

Why do you spite me?

[GRUNTING]

Whoa!

Doughnuts.

[*]

I'm gonna let you know right off the bat

that I've been drinking.

Too much?

Is there such a thing?

Can you drink too much?

I don't know. I'm not Socrates.

I'm in marketing, for crying out loud.

I'm basically like any other guy.

I want a new boat,

I want some of the secretaries here

at Funny or Die to understand my wife and I have a--

An "agreement."

And I want to start drinking at 2 in the afternoon.

Where's the crime in that?

Speaking of crime, we at Funny or Die

agreed to make some television

with funds supplied by our friends over at HBO.

Currently there is an investigation

into what became of those funds.

But in the meantime, without any money at all,

we were able to cobble together this half hour of shit.

I'm not telling you to watch it.

I'm just letting you know what's happening.

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network:

It's the Amazing Adventures of David & Jennie.

The final episode of Designated Driver,

starring Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer.

Space Baby.

Dave Koechner's Men of Unquiet Desperation.

And a sketch from Day by Day.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Wow. It's so pretty. Such a beautiful view.

We should get a picture.

Yeah.

Oh, hi. Excuse me?

Hello? Would you take a picture of us?

Okay.

[*]

Do you guys have a camera?

BOTH: No.

You know, how am I-- BOTH: Do you?

No I don't. No.

Okay, yeah. Okay.

Thank-- Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. Oh, right.

Crazy.

Who's that? What a loco cabeza.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[*]

Oh, here we are. Oh.

Zagat rated.

Let's do it.

"Tang's Donuts. You won't be able to leave."

BOTH: Huh.

[DOOR CHIMES]

Hi, welcome to Tang's Donuts.

I'm Mr. Tang. How can I help you?

Uh, hi, I'm gonna have a Chocolate Long John.

Um, two Paul's Balls and a Jelly Jean Jammer.

Okay, we also have some really old Glazed Holes.

Oh, that sounds really good. I'm gonna have a dozen.

David look, they're hiring!

Jennie, we're on vacation.

No jobs.

But I love jobs.

Get a job.

Jennie, we're not getting a jo--

Hey, check this out.

[DRUMS BEATING]

[FLUTE PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC]

[DOOR CHIMES]

[BLOWING AIR]

[DOOR CHIMES]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC]

[ALL PLAYING JAZZY MUSIC]

[ALL LAUGH]

Wow, that last 15 seconds

was the best minute of my life.

Aw!

What do we do next, boss?

You have to go in the basement and watch the training video.

Cool.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, and welcome to Mr. Tang's House of Donuts.

[GRUNTING]

Whoa!

Doughnuts.

Oh, wow.

If you're watching this,

you've probably been locked in the basement.

[*]

[LOCKS CLICKING]

This is weird.

This is not weird.

This is my way of saying

live in my basement.

Eat nothing but dust.

Go to the bathroom in a bucket.

And live with me forever.

I think you're gonna like it here.

* Tang's Donuts

* You won't be able to leave

Unh! Huh!

Pesky doughnuts.

Also, another interesting fact about Tang's Donuts:

There's no reason to look under the flower pot.

'Cause there is nothing there.

It'd just be a waste of your time.

Whoa, what are you doing there?

Aah! Aah!

If you think there's a key under there,

you're foolin' yourselves.

That's not a key.

Um, okay, it is a key.

But don't use it to unlock that door at the top of the stairs.

Guys. Stop it.

Oh, no!

[*]

Oh, no!

We quit! Yeah, shove it.

Wait! Do-nut leave, you guys.

Bagel your pardon, Tang,

but you locked us in the basement.

Don't you think that's a little bit cruller?

Yeah, you really hurt our cream fillings.

Get back in the basement?

Okay. Don't, it's a trick.

What the h--

Well, could I at least take a picture of you

before you leave?

A little something to remember you by?

Okay.

Yeah, okay. Fine, fine.

Okay, yeah.

Get together.

Smile.

[*]

[*]

[*]

[*]

[GASPS]

[*]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, I'm drunk. Pick my ass up!

Oh, fuck! Doughnuts!

Oh! No, no, no!

Pow! Whoo!

Drive! Don't yell!

Booty call, motherfucker!

She's married! Her husband!

Who are you? No-- Aah! Oh!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

It's a night of reckoning!

Whoo!

I'm the fuckin' devil!

What do you think about that, Glenn?

That's not Glenn. We went to the wrong house.

What the hell's going on?

It's Glenn. Barry?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[*]

If there was a robot,

that you could have intercourse with,

is that weird? Are you being a weirdo?

Because if they're made for that--

That's not-- I have a robot that I fuck.

It's-- What?

It's a doll that I put a Darth Vader mask on.

But-- That is fucked up.

That's what I'm saying. It's not fucked up.

I gotta tell you something. Yeah?

This is the best night of my life, man.

Oh, dude, I haven't had this much fun forever.

Barry, what the fuck, man?!

Shut the fuck up, Glenn!

TABACK: Seriously, shut the fuck up!

Help me, please! Call 911!

Time to pay the piper, motherfucker!

Oh. Please, God, don't kill me!

You've been pranked! You've been car pranked!

My friend Taback's got a ranch.

We're gonna take you up there, and we're gonna put your body

in his hot tub. We're gonna drowned you!

How many dead bodies could fit in that tub, my friend?

What? Yeah! Sixteen, yeah?

Sixteen of you! And when you're dead,

we're gonna bring you out back to the horses,

and feed your body to them.

They eat your flesh, right?

GLENN: Somebody help me!

Plug that shit in the GPS, Taback.

GLENN: I don't wanna die!

Yeah, well, about that, Barry.

I, uh... I don't have a ranch.

What do you mean?

I don't have a ranch. I don't have horses.

I ain't fuckin' with you. Ha-ha.

No, listen to me. I don't even have--

I don't even have a hot tub.

GLENN: You don't have a hot tub?

Anybody can afford a hot tub.

Shut the fuck up, Glenn!

Why would you lie to me?

I'm a fuck-up, all right? I don't know what to tell you.

I've been lying, about a lot of shit.

I don't even have a girlfriend, dude.

That-- That booty call?

She's a hooker.

What?

I don't have a job. I got fired today.

I think I got a drinking problem.

I mean, look,

you're the only friend I got

in the whole world, man.

And I managed to fuck your life up too tonight.

I don't have anything, man, all right?

I'm a total fucking failure.

I lied to you.

Fucked up my life, I'm fucking up your life.

And we're gonna end up killing Glenn tonight.

GLENN: No, God! No, don't kill me!

No, no, we're not gonna kill Glenn.

GLENN: Oh, thank God. You're not a fuck-up either.

Yeah?

And you don't probably have a drinking problem.

Y-You do have a drinking problem.

But you're a good guy.

A real good guy, right, Glenn?

I don't really know him.

Tell him he's the best, Glenn!

You're the best!

Hey, I'm sorry I fucked your life up.

Can you forgive me?

You didn't fuck my life up.

I owe you.

I owe you a taco.

Yeah. Ha-ha.

A fuckin' taco.

Taco? Yeah, a taco.

GLENN: Why don't you suck each other's dicks?

BOTH: Shut the fuck up, Glenn!

BARRY: Run!

TABACK: All right.

Let's get our grub on!

Ah, yes. Love it. After you.

BOTH: Whoa! No, no, no!

Come on, man. It's always, like, 5 to 4.

Your sign says you don't close till 4, man!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What?

What the fuck did he just say?

Whatever, he's-- He said whatever.

Oh, God!

Why do you spite me?

Jesus Christ.

[GROANS]

[BARRY YELLS]

[*]

Whoo!

This one's on me.

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!

[*]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Shh, shh.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[YELLING IN SPANISH]

[*]

[GUNS COCK]

Don't move! Don't move! Put your hands on your heads.

All right, hold on. Everybody relax.

Hands on your heads!

TABACK: Hold on a sec, guys.

This man is completely innocent, all right?

He is my hostage.

And I forced him to drive me around tonight.

That's a fact.

Is that true?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Cuff him. We'll get a statement from him.

Ah.

[SIREN WAILING]

Oh, jeez.

Jeez.

Devil.

[LAUGHS]

How's it goin', Green Mile?

Wow, what a night, huh?

Barry? You still hungry?

Hell, yeah!

Hey.

Who are you guys? [ENGINE STARTS]

Let's do this! TABACK: Yes!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[*]

[*]

[*]

[*]

DR. BRAIN: The professor is meeting with Space Baby

to give her important information.

You must stop them, and kill Space Baby.

[*]

* Space Baby

ANNOUNCER: All we know about Space Baby is that she's from Earth.

And she travels the galaxies looking for a one-eyed man,

who has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.

And as she travels from planet to planet,

she rights wrongs and helps the oppressed.

So...

* If you're in the black hole

* There's only one name You need to know *

* Space Baby

[*]

[BABBLING]

I understand.

But I have some very important secret information

that proves that the one-eyed man

is not your enemy.

[*]

DR. BRAIN: Is Space Baby dead?

No, I did not kill Space Baby.

DR. BRAIN: You have failed me for the last time.

So I guess that means I'm fired.

Well, that sucks.

DR. BRAIN: No, I'm going to kill you.

Oh, that's worse.

[POWERS HUMMING] [CHOKING]

[DIALING]

[LINE RINGING]

TRAVIS [ON RECORDING]: This is Travis. You know what to do.

Damn it, wrong number.

[DIALING]

[LINE RINGING]

[RINGING]

Hello.

DR. BRAIN: I need your help.

I told you never to call me here, Dr. Brain.

Uh, that's my other line I gotta take this.

Uh, yes, I'll hold.

Hello?

TRAVIS: You just called and hung up.

No. Uh, yes. It was the wrong number.

I know, I saw your number on my phone.

Oh, thank you, Captain Technology.

You wouldn't say that if you were here, pussy.

[POWERS HUMMING] Aah!

Better.

Hey, look, I'm going to the space station.

I need you to get Space Baby there.

I'm sending Space Baby directly to you.

[LAUGHING]

Is that a personal call?

Uh, no, it's just

a guy in Sector G.

He's... He's crazy.

[*]

Space Baby, we meet at last.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, that's real mature.

You're not very smart.

I don't understand how people had problems killing you.

[BABBLING]

[DR. BRAIN BABBLING]

Those aren't words. You're dumb.

Hey, watch the tray.

Hey, easy there, Baby. Oh, son of a--!

[LAUGHING]

ANNOUNCER: This has been another episode of Space Baby.

[*]

[*]

[*]

Hi, Ken. Hey, doll.

What are you, a Barbie doll?

Hey, you hear about Ken?

Smooth down there now.

You're Ken.

Ken doll, no.

But I'm not smooth down there. I think--

Okay. I think some, uh, visitors

parked in some reserve spaces back there.

Reserved spaces? Were they, uh--

Were they reservations?

Native American,

dances with cars. No.

Trail of Tears.

What?

No. Hey, I can't quit you.

No.

Hey, did you hear about that movie?

Brokeback Mountain?

Yeah, lot of controversy, huh?

Yeah, they're doing a lot of smokin'.

Cock, no.

I didn't see 'em, Ken, so I really couldn't tell you.

Didn't seem 'em? Gay or not--

Maybe you ought to get some, uh, glasses.

Four-eyes.

Uh-oh! Four-eyes.

Old Pol Pot would've put you down.

No.

I don't know what you want.

Hey, give me your rouge.

Come here, doggy. No.

Doggy? Style, no.

Okay.

Hey, dirty girl. Valtrex.

No.

Just open the gate. Open the gate?

I'll be back in an hour, Ken. Back in an hour?

One-hour photo. Bye.

KEN: You're late. Late? What are you, pregnant? No.

Hey don't look at me, no.

How many guys you been with? No.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Hey, ask me something?

Careful. Don't ask, don't tell. No.

Huh? Yeah.

Ken, what are you doing out here?

You're keeping people at the gate for a really long time.

I just want you to collect the money and let them go.

Let my people go.

Gitmo. No.

Hey?

Tear down this wall.

Moses, Red Seas, no. Yeah.

Red Seas, chicken seed, no.

Tuna, no. Tuna? Ah.

This is what I'm talking about.

I don't know if you're aware that you do this,

but you insist on saying a joke every time somebody talks.

Hey. And I know--

Like, I know the job is mind-numbing out here.

But, you know, people, the just wanna

give their ticket and then they wanna go.

Let my people go. No.

You already said that.

No.

What am I supposed to do out here?

You guys are fucking off all the time.

I got you, and I got Bruce.

Bruce comes to work drunk every day.

I mean, I gotta fire one of you.

So let's do this.

If you could fire Bruce,

you can keep your job.

Okay?

So you let him know that when he comes in, all right?

[*]

Thanks, Ken.

Keep my job?

What kind of job's that? A hand job? No.

[WHISTLES]

Hey, you. Ha-ha.

Step into my office.

Uh-oh. I'm the principal, you the bad boy.

[CHUCKLES] No.

What's going on?

Hey, ahem,

I've been talkin' to Dale. Mm-hm?

He told me to--

Tell you...

I'm sorry, you're fired.

No. Heh-heh.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. Really?

Man, Ken, I just had a baby. I really need this job.

You should quit drinkin'.

Yeah, Ken.

You're right, man.

Put the bottle down, and have a fresh start.

Thanks, man.

[*]

No.

[*]

[*]

CALLIE [GIGGLING]: I can't.

HALIGAN: But my wife, she won't even be there.

She's visiting her sister.

CALLIE: Oh, just one drink.

HALIGAN: Of course, of course.

One drink.

We really need to relax.

[*]

[*]

Hey, who do you think would win in a fight?

Bigfoot

or an alien?

Hm.

That's a good--

Oh, shit!

Hold that thought. What?

Do you know what today is?

No, what?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah! What day is it? Tell me!

It's Tuesday!

Holy shit, you're right! It is Tuesday!

Yeah! Yeah!

Let's go! Yeah!

Today is Tuesday!

Tuesday!

WILL: Tuesday! Whoo!

[BOTH CHEERING]

Hey, what are you doing?!

It's Tuesday!

[SCREAMS]

Left, left! Go right, go right!

Go left! Go right! [SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[*]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

[BOTH YELLING]

Yeah! Yeah!

[BOTH YELLING]

Yeah! Yeah!

[BOTH YELLING]

Yeah! Yeah!

[BOTH YELLING]

BOTH: It's Tuesday!

[BOTH YELLING]

[MAN SCREAMING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

BOTH: Tuesday!

[BOTH YELLING]

BOTH: Yeah!

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

What do you want? It's Tuesday.

It's Tuesday! Yeah!

Yeah!

[ALL YELLING]

[ALL YELLING]

MAN [ON TV]: Tired of working all day for little or no money?

[CROWD YELLING]

Who are you?

ALL: It's Tuesday! Yeah!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[ALL YELLING]

Yeah!

[*]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL CHEERING AND SHOUTING]

You guys are so much fun!

Yeah!

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Tuesday! Tuesday!

[ALL CHEERING AND SHOUTING]

[CLOCK CHIMES]

It's not Tuesday anymore.

Good night. [WOMEN GRUNT]

[SIGHS]

Bigfoot. Yeah?

Yeah, I think Bigfoot would be stronger than an alien.

So chances are Bigfoot would win in a fight.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah.

[YAWNS]

[*]

[*]

Wasn't that wonderful, simply wonderful?

Just what we've come to expect from the creative team

over at Funny or Die.

Anyway, I'll see you next time.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

All right, baby, come on.

Let's get you in a cab. Okay.

All right, we gotta get out of here.

Come on. Come on, I got a wife.

[CALLIE LAUGHING]

[*]

[*]