Original subtitles

[*]

Look at me now. Look!

My career as a cop is over.

And I guess the hand modeling is a big question mark now too.

There are other bars in this world to drink in.

I was thinking about buying me a house

and havin' turtle fights in that bitch.

SHADES: You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, Shades.

[LAUGHS]

[*]

Welcome back to another night of award-winning television

from Funny or Die.

If you haven't seen our program yet

then you're in for a real treat.

On the other hand, if you've been following us

from the very beginning,

then you'll know I'm lying to your face.

That's what I do. I'm in sales and I'm a trained liar.

Now, who are we?

What do we do at Funny or Die?

I couldn't tell you.

But if I had to guess,

I'd say Funny or Die

is something to do with the Internet.

What is the Internet beyond a bunch of pornographic images?

Beats me.

But let's imagine the Internet

as this big colorful ball of wires and cables, okay?

Now, imagine an online comedy destination

somewhere in the middle of all this crap.

As I understand it, that's Funny or Die.

The future of comedy entertainment,

proudly sharing a network of interconnected wires

and satellite transmissions with penises and vaginas.

And here's the really exciting part.

Somehow we've taken this ball of wire

and managed to put together one half hour of spectacular,

revolutionary television programming.

So enjoy.

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network:

From Tim and Eric,

it's Just 3 Boyz, a new sitcom in three parts,

featuring Zach Galifianakis.

And from Rob Huebel the continuing saga of Holdup.

And a new music video

from Mike O'Connell.

* Well, sometimes life Just makes you come undone *

* And you need your boys Around you *

* If you're gonna make the best For everyone *

* You might think That you don't need 'em *

* But you find It's hard to beat 'em *

* It's Just 3 Boyz *

* Livin' in the same old house In the neighborhood *

* Just 3 Boyz *

* No matter whether times Are bad or times are good *

* Just 3 Boyz *

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You dust, now you clean.

You polish, then you dust!

Right.

Now watch.

[SQUEAKING]

Hurry.

[SHADES COUGHS]

Watch it with that duster, asshole.

Oh, Shades.

Would you hurry up? He's gonna be here any minute!

I'm cleaning as fast as I can!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[*]

Okay, we can do this.

Jesus, come on. What? Is, uh, George Clooney

coming over here, with, uh,

what, his Ocean's Eleven wrap party, schmucks?

BOTH: Come in!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, hi, Zach.

[*]

Welcome home, Z-Za-- Zach.

Hi, Shades.

Holy Christ.

I think we should wave hi. Yeah.

Say how you doing. Mm-hm.

And go around and give him a hug.

I say it's a great idea. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness, you-- Don't touch me.

You got tall. Don't touch me, please.

Come here. Don't kiss me.

Come on. Big man on campus.

So good to have you home.

Really looking good. Yeah.

What's with the cameras?

What's that?

Why are there cameras here?

Oh.

TIM: Okay? ERIC: Come on in.

Uh, it's me. Sit, make yourself at home, Zach.

Come on, you know where everything is.

Its good to have you back, man!

It is good to have you back. Thank you.

What do you got in there?

Just a few things that I bought you from my college.

I wanna hear all about this college thing

you've been up to anyways.

[*]

You--? You wanted to do what?

I just-- I wanted to hear more about

your c-- At college. When you're at college.

So...

You better watch your mouth.

It's down in here somewhere.

[*]

[RATTLING]

All right.

So, Eric.

Thank you. This...

I don't know if you have one of these but...

I don't, thank you so much. Okay.

And I thought this was--

Those are so cool, thank you so much.

[LAUGHS]

They think they're human.

Are those for me, or--? Nope, they're not for you.

Who are they for?

They're for you. Oh, thank you, Zach!

ZACH: And uh, Tim?

Here. I got you that. [AUDIENCE GROANS]

Oh, yeah, it's an animal college shirt.

Thank you very much.

Put it on, Tim.

It's his present.

I don't need to put it on now. I'll just wear it later. So...

He should put it on now.

Yeah, you should put it on now.

[*]

I would honestly,

rather try it on later.

He should try it on right now.

You gotta put it on now.

Zach, I would like to put it on later.

He's being ungrateful, he should put it on right now.

It's-- It's amazing. What?

I don't know what the deal is. I'll try it on later.

Fucking put it on!

Then I'll put it on.

[*]

I don't see what the big deal is. It's just a shirt.

It's an extra-medium.

I actually do like it.

What, nothing for the lamp of the house?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

* Just 3 Boyz *

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Holdup:

Everybody get your white asses on the floor right now!

Don't shoot!

[SCREAMING]

There are at least two armed gunmen inside.

And they have taken several hostages.

I need your head in the game.

You're the best psychic on the force.

Your hands are so soft.

I'm gonna call 'em in here.

I'm gonna trade 'em the coke for my freedom. See you.

MAXINE: Help me! [GUNSHOTS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

What the hell happened?

Yippie-ki-yay, motherfuckers?

[*]

[*]

With me now are the two head police hostage negotiators,

Captain Rollins and Doheny. Gentleman, what's the plan?

Well, first of all I'd like to make the point

that you are in no way Hispanic,

although you go by the name Rodriguez.

Doesn't matter.

Uh, we're projecting a film to demoralize the gunmen.

It's The Happening by M. Night Shyamala.

And it's a horrible film.

Okay, that's great, but there's no audio.

Uh, the audio isn't working right now.

But if they do come outside and watch the film,

they will be demoralized.

[LOUD SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

Maxine?

Oh, God.

I just wanna tell you, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what happened.

I-- I froze up there.

Yeah, well, look at me now. Look!

My career as a cop is over.

And I guess the hand modeling is a big question mark now too.

Well, I feel terrible.

I mean, you are a really hot girl.

And now this.

Maybe you'll have some self-esteem problems.

And after I get us out of here,

maybe one day we could go out.

We're not getting out of here.

HUEBEL: Guys, trust me.

This time I got a different plan.

Hey, yeah.

Hey, man.

What is you gonna do with your half?

I was thinking about buying me a house, man,

and having turtle fights in that bitch.

Everybody gotta have a dream.

Even Martin Luther King had a dream.

Never heard of him, nigga.

What you gonna do with your spilt of the cash?

Oh, man. I don't really know, man.

You know, at first I just wanted to come up in here and shoot

the whole fuckin' place up like Ghostbusters.

Yeah, I love me some motherfuckin' ghosts.

But now that I got a chance to dream, man?

There's only one way to spend this money right.

Come on, Doheny, get inside their minds.

I need to know what they're thinking.

[*]

[LAUGHING]

Ugh!

I think I may be losing my gift.

Shit.

[*]

[WHISPERING] Everybody, follow me.

No, follow me. Follow me.

Follow me. I'm the leader.

I'm the professional.

Wait. Who do we follow?

Me.

[*]

Oh, no! You're escaping without me!

Hey, get these motherfuckers!

[*]

Get your bitch-ass back inside!

You dumb motherfuckers.

Where the fuck are you supposed to go?

Stupid motherfucker.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[GRUNTS]

ROBBER 1: So stupid.

Shots fired!

Shots fired from inside of the bank.

As the standoff continues.

Rodriguez, roll on this. I'm ending this thing.

Rollins, don't do it. They'll kill you.

Not surrounded by civilians, he wont.

Come on, all of you, let's go.

I need your help. Let's go, come on.

Under the tape.

Okay, you're gonna be my human shield.

Don't worry, they don't wanna kill you, they wanna kill me.

You're completely safe.

Slowly. Don't worry.

Relax. We'll all go as a team.

We're all innocent civilians.

[GROWLING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Shit! [BOTH LAUGHING]

Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck!

Don't you air that, Rodriguez!

Don't you fucking air that!

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Next time, on Holdup:

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Oh, I miss you, sweetheart.

WOMAN: No, please, no! Oh, my God!

[*]

[*]

* Just 3 Boyz *

All right, guys.

Special gift for a special guy.

BOTH: Chicken!

I hate chicken! I hate it!

What are you talking about? Get off!

It's a good bird.

Keep that shit away from me! Hey, hey, hey.

Look out. Get off of me!

Chill. No, you chill.

Let's sit down and let's talk about this.

Come on. Calm down.

Would you shut your claptrap and start telling me

what exactly this non-liking of chicken

is all about all of a sudden, Jack?

[*]

When I was just starting out in med school,

I had a bird, a beautiful bird.

One of the most beautiful birds I've ever known.

I used to walk it, I used to talk to it.

Been saving it for a special occasion and my roommate,

I caught him

masturbating in the chest cavity of the bird.

TIM: Zach, I...

[SIGHS]

...am so sorry,

that that happened to you.

Did you come [BLEEP] chicken?

No, this is a clean bird.

I didn't come in that [BLEEP].

Did you come [BLEEP] into this chicken?

I didn't come [BLEEP] chicken.

Look at me! [BLEEP] You come into this chicken?

No! I came in your toothbrush, [BLEEP] all right?

[BLEEP] I didn't come in your [BLEEP]

It's a clean bird, Zach! I didn't come in the chicken.

Are you guys gonna get to do the horn when I synch?

I mean-- I think we're--

I think we should-- We'll be able to do that in post.

Synch it up. When we say "come," you hit the honk.

I don't think that's an issue.

I think we can do it in post.

He's standing there with a horn.

Can I get some more water? Sure.

Oh.

Here you go. Thank you very much.

Oh, that's plenty.

Thank you very much. Could I have some?

Okay.

All of it, just bring it.

Keep going. More?

That's all-- Yep.

There you go. Thank you.

You know what? I don't have any.

Can I get some? Yeah.

Thank you, sir. Cheers to you.

I'm sorry, I don't wanna be rude.

Do you mind just-- Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Finally, a little glass of--

So parched. Sorry.

Okay.

Is that good or should-- Please.

A little more? Just a little bit more.

Just tilt the bottom up a little bit like that.

Down the hatch. Cheers.

Ah!

Actually, I'm pretty thirsty myself.

ZACH: Not an issue.

Oh, yeah.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Okay.

[*]

Mm. That just about does it.

Can we just eat?

I'm not gonna eat anything, but go ahead.

I thought I was gonna have to eat my own fist.

Love this chicken.

Good bird, Zach.

This is some good bird.

It's a good bird. TIM: Mm-hm.

There's a sour b-- Business in here.

[FOOD SLURPING]

Hey!

Oops.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be Christopher.

[*]

BOTH: It's Christopher.

Zach, a little bird told me you were back.

And I had to come welcome you.

[LAUGHS]

Mm!

ALL: Hi, Christopher.

Why don't you guys come in, have a seat?

Oh, anywhere you want. Sit anywhere you want.

I probably shouldn't sit here,

that's where Zach could sit. There.

I'll sit...

...here.

You wanna sit--?

Zach, why don't you sit

over here. I'm not comfortable here.

I'll just sit over h-- I'll sit here.

Okay, you sit over there, I'll sit here.

Ah, fuck this. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Okay, okay.

Watch out, watch out. Oh, watch out.

Ooh. Okay, okay, watch out.

This isn't working. All right.

Wait. Okay, th-- There you go.

Okay.

And I'll sit. Okay.

I'll just--

Well, I'll just sit here.

I'll sit right here. That's fine.

That's for you.

Oh, wow. ZACH: Thank you.

[*]

Mm-hm.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS]

It's organic.

[*]

[SOBBING]

Get the fuck out of here!

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING IN DISTORTED VOICES]

Get the fuck out!

Get the fuck out!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Fuck!

[SOBBING]

Shh, shh.

Oh, shh, shh.

You guys wanna play pinball?

Yes, yes.

[*]

[ALL IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING]

Here we are.

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, Shades. Ha-ha-ha!

[*]

* Just 3 Boyz *

[*]

[*]

CROWD: Wow!

[*]

That's the last time we put up with your bullshit, man.

[SCOFFS]

Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

Yeah, a disgusting alcoholic.

Well,

that is a very, very,

short-sighted explanation,

of my character.

Roy!

You're looking good tonight.

Don't you worry about that asshole, Roy.

There are other bars in this world to drink in.

[RINGS BELL] And tonight, Roy,

we find them.

[*]

* I've had a Singapore sling From a trough outside Gary *

* And dozens of whiskeys With a lass from Tipperary *

* A Pabst in Iraq And a Bud by the Sphinx *

* My God, I've sure Had some drinks *

* Martinis in Moscow

* Greyhounds at The Hague

* Manhattans in Sweden

* Gin Rickeys in space

* A mai tai in My Lai Before the massacre *

* A Rob Roy in Saint Croix

* Before the bastards Cut me off *

* I'm unfit And my memory stinks *

* But, my God, I've sure Had some drinks *

* People, they tell me That I should slow down *

* But I'm still here And the world, it spins 'round *

* So I'll go to the bar

* Who fuckin' cares What they think? *

* Christ knows It's time for a drink *

[*]

[*]

[*]

* Just 3 Boyz *

[*]

Those are starting to smell pretty good for an omelet.

Just you wait, Tim.

Good morning.

Good morning. Hey, Zach.

You are looking good this morning.

I feel good. Who wants some eggs?

Oh, please. I'll take some eggs.

Eggs? Doubled.

Mm. There you are.

Smell better than they look.

Zach, it's so good having you back.

Yeah. I just wanna apologize

for yesterday-- What? Can you--?

Um, yesterday was such a disaster,

we just felt so bad about it.

We got you a little surprise.

It's a horse massage gift certificate. Take a look.

ERIC: There you go. A horse massage

is a state-of-the-art treatment.

You get a real horse. Something to do with the hooves.

That's what makes it so special.

I've heard about this. This is really, really nice.

Cancel your plans for this afternoon

because it's happening today.

Okay, cool. [PHONE RINGING]

Thank you.

Tim Heidecker's phone. Who may I ask is calling?

What? No, I can't do it tomorrow.

No, it has to be today. That's not fair.

You're being a bad businessman.

Well, this is-- No, well, then

forget it, cancel it. Fuck you. Unbelievable.

Eric, a word.

That was the horse massage people.

They're not coming today, they cancelled.

What do we gonna do? I don't know,

but I'm not telling him,

he's not getting a horse massage,

after all the things he's been through.

Shh. I don't--

I think I have a solution.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

* Just 3 Boyz *

Zach, your horse massage is here!

Okay, send up the horse.

[*]

ERIC: Careful.

TIM: Watch it.

Walk like a regular horse.

Hey, do me favor. Just don't shit on the floor.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Ahem. Come in.

[NEIGHS] Hi.

How you doing?

Just de-robe, I guess.

I've never had a horse massage.

I've heard about it, so...

[NEIGHS]

I really could use a massage.

I've been so stressed out.

[SNORTS]

You know what? Can we, uh--

Can we just cut to the chase here?

Can we just do a happy beginning massage?

BOTH [WHISPERING]: I think we should do it.

Use your hands and take the cock

and just stoke it until he comes.

He'll think it's from a horse with these hooves.

Yeah. He'll never know.

[NEIGHS]

[*]

[PANTING]

Oh, come on.

[SQUEAKING]

ERIC: He's not getting hard.

I'm gonna use my mouth.

[NEIGHS]

[TIM GAGGING]

Is he getting hard?

No. [NEIGHS]

Tim, Eric. Stop.

Guys. Eric, stop.

You're not a horse.

[*]

You guys don't have to do this.

You don't have to please me all the time.

Just trying to make you happy, man.

Zach, we are here to please you.

And if that means sexually jacking you off,

then that's what we're gonna do, okay, friend?

But dressed as a-- You know what, guys?

This is just what happens in a boys' house.

ECHO: Boys' house.

Do you hear that? Yeah.

ECHO: Boys' house. What?

It kinda sounds like my voice.

ECHO: Boys' house. He's like, "Boys' house"

Sounds like he's saying-- Shh.

ECHO: Boys' house. Boys' house.

* Boyz' House *

* Livin' in a Boyz' House Baby *

* Oh, boy Just three boys *

* Boyz' House *

* Wick-wack-dackin' At the Boyz' House, baby *

* Just three boys Livin' in a house *

* Ooh, whoa, oh Whoa, oh, whoa *

* Yeah

* Livin' with the boys Livin' with the boys *

* Livin' with the boys

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* Boyz' House *

[*]

Thank you for watching tonight's program.

For everyone here at Funny or Die,

I'm Ed Haligan.

And I'll see you at the dog track.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[*]

[*]