Original subtitles

[*]

Huh, what?

Oh, not what you wanted, huh?

Well, I didn't want them to raise the price

of happy hour drinks down at the Lamplighter either,

but they did it. So you can suck on it!

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network:

David Spade, Tim Meadows,

and Will Ferrell

star in the Carpet Brothers.

Nothing else.

Just...the Carpet Brothers.

[RADIO STATIC BUZZING]

CHORUS [ON RADIO]: * KBAG

* Rancho Cucamonga

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Some sad news today. Brock Raylon,

owner of the famed Carpet Galaxy, has died.

He is survived by his three sons:

Eldest Skip Spence Raylon,

middle child Xavier Montrose Raylon,

and youngest child Paul Samwell Smith Raylon.

These are the survivors, these are

the Carpet Brothers.

[*]

My father started this business, it was one store.

[SCOFFS]

It's still just one store, but it's much bigger.

From shag, to plush,

to wall-to-wall, he did it all.

XAVIER: He did the inside too.

Sell carpet different than anybody else.

He used to say, "You can't sell carpet from a swatch."

My father wrote this book. It's--

It's called Rugs not Drugs.

XAVIER: I mean, was he an addict?

Yeah.

But was it a problem?

Maybe he was

involved in some kind of drugs.

But, look, he was an older dude.

Old people do drugs.

[*]

* Dreams of you Will carry me through *

ALL: Wow.

Hi.

May I please come in?

You'll have to forgive us, ma'am. We just lost our father.

My name is Sandoz.

I was the executor of your father's estate,

and still am.

So you're an accountant?

Sort of.

I do crunch numbers.

Would you like to see my calculator collection?

I've been going over the documents

and, well...

[*]

We are in "debt."

But we are also

"very good."

MAN: And why are those words in quotes?

Because, well,

some people--

Whenever you do "this," that means

"sarcastically"

"this word."

So if I were to say, "Yeah, you're really 'good-looking,'"

it would be I'm being sarcastic,

by saying you're not really good-looking.

MAN: But you said you're very good, so that means you're not good?

"Yes."

This is not good, fellas.

It gets worse.

BROTHERS: Raymond Davies Allen.

[*]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

[*]

When you're in biz, like I am, uh,

you just absorb different entities.

It's a little bit like Monopoly.

I know it's hard to follow.

It's like Monopoly.

You've got Baltic Avenue, I have Boardwalk.

I'm gonna fuckin' eat your shit up.

Then I'm gonna charge you to put a little house on it.

I'm gonna buy Carpet Galaxy.

He doesn't know the carpet business.

He's got all these other businesses

that he tries to focus on.

They've got restaurants. He's got the Loin Ranger.

ANNOUNCER: The Loin Ranger, featuring USBA graded meats,

Rising Phoenix fortified wines, and our famous salad bar

wheeled right to your table. The Loin Ranger.

After Three Formal Snack Wear.

[*]

ANNOUNCER: After Three Formal Snack Wear.

When it's time to snack,

shouldn't you be wearing formal wear?

And he also has this other place called the Vestibule.

That's when they get you in the store,

shove you in a cubicle,

throw a vest on you and tell you you look great.

And then they send you out the back door.

What kind of place sends you out the back door?

I like the Vestibule.

At least a third of my vests come from the Vestibule.

[*]

The rest of my vests come from, uh,

well, there's the annual Vest-ival.

That's the vest festival.

There's Best Vest, which is--

They're all right. It's not the best.

But I don't mind the Vestibule.

You leave through the back, it's kinda neat. They're nice there.

Lady, our father meant everything to us.

We have to continue his legacy.

You do know your father left behind a jazz will, don't you?

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

* Hello, my sons

* If you're hearin' this

* I'm dead

Go, man, go. * You own

It's not that kind of jazz. Oh.

* Carpet Galaxy now

* Please, boys Whatever you do *

* Make friends With Grant Measum *

* Yes, Grant Measum, baby

* Grant Measum--

Are you boys familiar with Grant Measum?

[*]

Hello. Graham Rhys Grahamcox,

and welcome once again to Viewpoint.

I'm joined today by Grant Measum.

Mm.

Mr. Measum is a motelier,

and a nightclub impresario.

Owner of such motels as the Afternooner,

and the Raping Viking Ski Lodge.

And also, uh,

you are the proprietor of such "of the minute"

nightclubs as, uh, Amphetaminino's,

the Coke Spoon,

and the Waiting For Godot Rathskeller.

Mr. Measum, welcome.

Rhys, let me, uh...

Let me answer your question,

uh, by saying yes.

It is an incredible feat that I've accomplished.

Mm, I didn't-- I didn't--

I didn't ask a question.

When a-- When a fatherless kid,

uh, who grows up,

in the inner city slum of Detroit,

um, drops out of school,

public school at age 10.

And can pull himself up by his bootstraps,

scraping and clawing his way just--

Just to get his foot in the door,

to become a motel desk clerk.

Working his way up to motel manager.

Mm-hm.

All the while saving his pennies,

so that he can become the owner of--

Of one, and eventually 76,

nightclubs and motels.

Do you follow me? Mm-hm.

That is what America's all about.

Mm-hm.

Well, yeah, it--

I think we'd all have to agree that is--

That is pretty remarkable.

Or-- Or you can do it the way that I did it.

Uh, by inheriting a bottomless

trust fund from my billionaire father.

Right. [CHUCKLES]

That's less impressive.

Mm.

You didn't get any help along the way?

No help. Not a vast--

Other than the trust fund.

RHYS: Right.

Is that supposed to impress the people of America?

Mm-hm.

So people will look to you as a role model

because you can do that?

I hope, I can only hope.

Grant Measum is seriously considering

re-carpeting 75 percent of his motels and nightclubs.

So?

So Raymond Davies Allen

has promised him that he would re-carpet

all his floors for half the price,

outsourcing the job and bringing in the carpet

from Afghanistan.

If Raymond Davies Allen takes over Carpet Galaxy,

there'll be more bloodshed than World War II

and Vietnam combined.

I don't know about that. That seems kinda--

A lot of people.

Well, there will be a lot.

So I've secured us invitations

to Grant Measum's most famous

and impossible to get into

Labor Day party at one of his motels.

Now, your job is to mingle.

Get to know Grant just a little bit.

Let him know that it's business as usual at Carpet Galaxy.

Do you think you boys can handle it?

Lady, I have a saying.

That when one door closes,

a window opens.

So yes?

Yes. Yeah.

So we're talking about those guys around the house,

that have the, uh, other company.

What are they called?

The Carpet Brothers. Yeah, yeah.

And then what am I called around the house?

The Carpet Boners.

Yeah, yeah, and then that's funny, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah.

So that's cool.

Hey, uh, you look good today, baby. And by you I mean me.

Patty, get a picture.

[*]

That's a winner. That one's going on the fridge.

Daddy's gotta do some work. Can you skedoodle?

Yeah. All right.

[SIGHS]

Hey, I found some powder in your purse.

That's not that, uh, cocaine shit, is it?

And what if it is?

I don't give a shit.

I'm fuckin' cool, man. Whatever.

Just, bust it out sometime.

I learned how to share in school.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't hide, divide.

[CHUCKLES]

Break flake. Ahem.

But seriously, give me some.

[*]

* You're lookin' So pretty today *

* Seeing you In a brand new way *

* You're lookin' So pretty today *

* It's all I wanted to say

What the fuck is this? What are you wearing?

No, this stuff is good.

This comes from the Thread Shed.

[*]

Everybody knows that Thread Shed is for losers

and elderly women. We are here supposed to be

convincing Grant Measum that we mean business.

And, look at you, you look like just--

[SIGHS]

His came from the Sir Awesome collection.

That can't be bad.

* It's Rancho Wrap-Up *

We are here live at the Motel Exclusivo.

Site of the party of the century

thrown by none other than motelier Grant Measum.

[*]

This promises to be one hell of a barn burner, folks.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Good evening, everyone.

And thank you for attending my annual bash

here at the crown jewel of my motel empire,

the Motel Exclusivo.

If you go ahead and take a look at your gift bags right now,

I think you'll find some wonderful items.

We've got toiletries and perfumes from the motel.

We have some tins of Bensons cat food.

Benson's cat food is purrrfect.

We have some, uh, diagonal pieces of leather.

That thing in the bottom of the bag is taco meat.

So just leave that alone.

So please, enjoy yourself.

Uh, stay as long as you want.

Remember, this party goes from 8:00 till question mark.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[*]

Mr. Measum? Hi.

I'm Sandoz.

Please, call me Grant. Mr. Measum's my husband.

This is my ornament, Bianca.

Hello. Oh, hello.

This is a wonderful party.

What? This over-planned-to- looked-thrown-together soiree?

Well, I'd love you to meet the Carpet Brothers.

I'm terribly sorry about your father.

Yeah.

He was a very handsome man.

Thank you?

"Brock the Hawk" we used to call him.

By the way, those are magnificent ensembles

you're wearing. Oh, thank you.

Is that silk?

It's actually silg.

I'm not familiar with silg.

It's an imitation silk.

It's from Madagascar. Silg.

I've heard of sildge.

No. No?

It's different. That's from Canada.

Here's the deal.

I just need to know from you guys--

In fact, I need to be assured beyond a doubt.

--that Carpet Galaxy is still the best in the biz.

RAYMOND: Grant Measum!

Well, hello, Raymond.

RAYMOND: Grant.

Ah, I see you've met the carpet snoozers.

[WHISTLES]

Who's that, your daughter?

Nice try. It's my daughter's friend.

SKIP: Oh.

And this is Patty, my personal shutterbug.

Hello, Sandoz.

Ahem, hello.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, Sandoz did a little bit of

"accounting" for me.

[RAYMOND CHUCKLES]

Get a picture, Patty. We're all having fun.

Gold.

RAYMOND: There you go.

We're gonna go mingle. Hm.

I see Danny Tripuka over there. I owe him a call.

Oh, well, let me join you, please.

Sure.

We'd really like to meet Danny Tripuka.

Here's where it gets tricky.

I don't think the center for the Cucamonga Cougars

wants to hang out with

a bunch of owners of a company

that's about to go belly up.

GRANT: What? Uh, no, belly up--

Is this true, boys?

Really strong, like a bionic--

He didn't say belly.

Grant, I'd like to talk to you about some man-made fibers

we've been experimenting with.

Some very exciting things are happening.

Belly up like a puppy.

It's good.

Guys, start to mingle. Come on, quick.

[*]

Hi. Hi.

What's a beautiful young lady like you doing in this,

well, high-end exclusive party?

Uh, I'm just paying my bills,

until I can follow my dream.

Wow. What's your dream?

I wanna be a professional tambourine player.

I wanna be the chick that--

That takes tambourine mainstream, you know?

I love the, uh, drinks.

REPORTER: So how are you liking this party so far?

This party is a fucking joke.

Has anyone ever told you

you have the most happening mustache?

Ah.

Well, well, I bet you say that to everybody

with a little lip fur.

I'd love to photograph it sometime.

I'm doing a coffee table book on mustaches.

I've shot all the greats.

Dalí,

Sonny Bono.

Zappa.

Save it.

Oh, oh I--

Are these for me?

Just be really careful about the--

The little purple one. It is exceptionally strong.

How strong could it be?

[*]

I'd like to thank Grant Measum,

for having us tonight and his generosity.

Round of applause. That's right.

I have a question for you people.

What is the one thing everyone needs?

MAN 1: Water. MAN 2: Air.

WOMAN: Oxygen. No. Well, yes.

MAN 3: A hot tub.

True, but not what I'm going for.

Over here. Carpet? Carpet.

I think I heard some-- Oh.

Yes, carpet.

I don't care if it's in a crappy mobile home,

or the red stuff you walked on coming in here.

Everyone needs carpet.

It's the great democratizer.

Sure, I've had some bad ideas in my day.

My donation of

hundreds of untrained Mexican pit bulls

to the preschool

was not a home run.

But at least I'm trying things. I'm a doer.

Not like Earth, Wind and Fool.

Anyway, the point is, you let me take over Carpet Galaxy,

I'll take it to the top.

'Cause I'll outsource it,

and I'll get it in the sweatshops ASAP.

All right, now have a fun party

and if you get a chance check out the nerve.

Patty, quick picture of me when I gave that big speech.

[*]

Top that.

What do you want me to do, put 'em to sleep?

[CHUCKLES]

Get up there. Skip, just get up there, do it.

Go on. Do it. Lets do it, guys.

I feel kinda funny. Just, Xavier, do it.

No, I'm just saying. Do it.

Come on.

...don't know about carpet.

We know it, they don't.

He said a lot of mean stuff tonight.

[VOICE DISTORTED] I think he put something in our drinks.

Yeah, there's definitely something in those drinks.

[GROANS]

Whoa!

[LAUGHING] Wow.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[*]

SKIP: Who you people lookin' at?

[VOICE DISTORTED] Who you people lookin' at?

[DISTORTED VOICES]

[*]

BROCK: It's okay, my sons.

Poppa?

It is Dad.

[CRIES]

Brock the Hawk.

Looks more like a falcon.

BROCK: Boys, please.

Don't be afraid to shake things up.

What do you mean, Dad? A new jingle.

You must record a new jingle.

Carpet Galaxy will go under

unless we bring in a new generation of customers.

It's the only way.

But now it's time for you guys to go back to the party.

[CRIES] But no, Dad. Dad wait!

Wait! Teach me the--

[*]

[SIREN WAILING]

[DISPATCH RADIO CHATTERING]

[*]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[BELCHES]

Hello?

Are you kidding?

You're not just fuck-- Oh.

That sounds good.

That sounds better.

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: Carpet Brothers self destruct.

Measum makes a secret phone call to Raymond Allen

to discuss the biggest motel re-carpeting campaign

in the history of modern fiber.

If the Carpet Brothers don't step it up, it's all but over.

Patty!

Take a picture of me in a good mood.

[*]

Your blood test turned up positive for yormaline.

Yormaline? What's that?

ANNOUNCER: Yublonic methalyde trilosupuline.

Yormaline.

The Carpet Brothers would never, ever do any kind of drug.

All we ever do is drink.

No drugs. Mostly.

It doesn't matter now.

Grant Measum knows that Carpet Galaxy

cannot stay afloat unless it has a huge influx of cash.

And here's how we're gonna get that cash.

We're gonna record a new jingle.

Yeah. What?

No, you cant do that!

Carpet Galaxy has had the same jingle since it started.

It's legendary.

* Brock Raylon's Carpet Galaxy *

* For out of this world Savings *

To mess with this would be complete suicide!

Listen, lady, I don't know much,

but I do know

that we are the rightful heirs

to the Carpet Galaxy name.

And our father Brock was a great man,

and we may never live up to his legend.

There's no way.

SKIP: But when he comes to us,

in a dream as a black eagle,

and tells us to go for it

while we're trippin' our brains out,

by God, we are gonna go for it.

PAUL: * Stop on I-10 Take two lefts *

* Go under the tunnel And up through the alley *

* Then take a right turn And go down 5th *

* If you miss 5th Then you still got Roscoe *

* And then lay a louie And there you are *

* Three blocks away From our front door *

* Then just keep going Down that street *

* For three more blocks And you head to the east *

* Right

* Then you'll see A big, big sign *

* It says Carpet Gallery You...swine *

* If you come in the afternoon There might be traffic *

* So take a left at Grand And wait for that light *

* Sometimes the train'll come by And you'll have to wait *

* But other than that

* I like to sometimes make A U-turn on 3rd *

And also, uh-- Okay, okay, all right.

All right. Ah, cut, cut.

Stop the-- We close at 5.

Can't you just please-- You guys are ruining this.

This is not going well.

Would you stop that shaking thing?

That shaking thing's all we got going.

I'm not sure those guys should even be selling carpet.

That was horrible.

You both are sad excuses for men.

Daddy should-- Where are you going?

He'd be rolling over in his grave.

Where are you-- This is all your fault!

The hat!

The guy wore a hat in there!

I told you to not let hats in the studio.

That is bad luck.

That's it, I quit. Bunch of jack--

You quit? I quit!

I'm quitting! I'm gonna kill myself!

I'm gonna kill myself!

Ah, fuck that!

Fuck that! Guys!

Fuck both of you.

I'm killing myself. Me first.

No, I'm killing myself

and then I'm gonna get you guys.

You're all fucking idiots!

Thanks for nothing, rock band!

Rock band.

I'm not staying in this studio with you.

You're not related to me. Thanks a lot, guys.

Hope you're happy.

Rock and roll music,

you broke up another family.

[CRYING]

I'm sorry you guys had to see that.

[*]

* The winter through The curtains *

* A frozen branch Without a leaf *

* The only thing That's certain *

* Is I'm filled With disbelief *

* No one ever thought You'd be so down *

* But I wish you

* I wish you

* I wish you weren't So gone *

* From me

Did you guys kill yourself?

No.

Did you?

No.

You kill yourself?

No.

Man, I don't know.

I've never been so low before.

I feel like I just wanna crawl off and die.

What was that?

What was what?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That we should start our own airline?

No, that can be our commercial.

That's the jingle.

That's the jingle.

* I've never been So down before *

* Ah, ah

* Feel like I wanna Crawl off and die *

* Ah, ah

* But then I saw What was on your floor *

* All of a sudden It opened my eyes *

* Like an industrial strength Eye opener *

* I wanna touch your carpet * Touch your carpet

* I wanna touch your rug * Touch your rug

* I wanna put myself Deep inside *

* It feels better Than any drug *

* Except crystal meth

ANNOUNCER: Come on down to Carpet Galaxy,

a whole galaxy of carpet values under one roof.

Shag, cropped, plush, fur, man-made fiber.

Whatever your carpet bag is, we've got it,

you insane infants, you.

So buy yourself a roll, or 17 today.

And have all, or at least nine-tenths

of those crazy kiddies out there say:

* I wanna touch your carpet

* Touch your carpet

* I wanna touch your rug * Touch your rug

* I wanna put myself Deep inside *

* It feels better Than any drug *

* Except crystal meth

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And in a dramatic turn of events,

the Carpet Brothers have shot straight to number one,

on the Jinglebox Hot 100

with their smash hit "(I Wanna) Touch Your Carpet."

They have saved Carpet Galaxy,

Rancho Cucamonga's home for discount carpets.

Raymond Davies Allen is certain to be steamed

about this latest development.

But sit back, relax, and listen,

to the Carpet Brothers.

They wanna touch your carpet,

and I want 'em to touch mine.

That's my bag, on:

CHORUS: * KBAG

Well, fellas, it doesn't get any better than this.

Oh, man. Well, I mean it could.

Hey, to Patricia.

As God as my witness,

I will bring down those Carpet Brothers.

They may have won the battle but I won the war.

Do you hear me?

Huh? Oh, sorry, were you talking?

Yeah, I was talking. I was talking some tough shit.

Is that getting you a little horny?

Has it ever got me horny?

Go away.

That one time you were horny. Remember?

Hey, guys, we should go out tonight and celebrate.

Yeah. Yeah.

Where should we go?

[HAWK CRIES]

Hey, that hawk has something in its talons.

[CRYING]

The Stone Crab Corner.

Hey, this is Dad's favorite place.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, you love the Stone Crab Corner.

Every Wednesday is the crab grab,

featuring all you can eat chimichangas

with Jimmy Tsonga and the Shimmy Congas.

It's all happening at the Stone Crab Corner.

[*]

[ALL CHEERING]

[*]

Well, what did I tell you? Not that great.

For my money, there could have been more nudity.

I mean, what's the point of being on pay TV

if the bitches ain't be naked?

Okay, didn't work.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[*]

[*]