Original subtitles

Archie, we stand at a moral crossroads.

This is the notorious devil of Dachau, and we must act.

Our children will be born of our actions.

This is your destiny, Jones.

Embrace it.

That's far enough.

Get down.

I'm gonna kill you, you filthy, murdering Nazi bastard.

I am a scientist.

You are a soldier.

We each do what we must.

What is your name?

My name?

Is it too much to know the name of the man

who is about to take my life?

Archibald, my name is Archibald.

[GUNSHOTS]

Run.

Run!

Archie, you did your duty.

[THEME MUSIC]

Samad.

No, Archie.

I will not meet him.

I will not have him in the house.

He's not my son.

He's a space alien in a waistcoat.

I told him, Archie, as long as you're my son,

you will live in my house.

And you know what he said?

I prefer to live with the Malfens

so I can concentrate on my work.

I let him go.

I let him go and live with that interfering old sow.

You see if I care.

I have no brother.

Allah [INAUDIBLE]

Marcus.

Magid.

Good god.

I know.

I know.

This is--

You haven't heard from your brother, have you?

I have only just arrived in the country, Mrs. Malfen.

Oh.

I'm off to deliver Josh's mail.

Joyce.

Up here is my office, where you'll be working.

It's all in good order now, thanks to Irie.

I don't hold out much hope for her academic aspirations,

of course, but she's a pretty good secretary.

Is she still as beautiful as I remember her?

I know about that, but she does have

the most tremendous breasts.

Well, there he is.

I'd hope to see this wondrous being in the fur, so to speak.

I'm sorry.

He's locked away in a secret vault in the country.

We couldn't have $8 million worth of mouse scurrying

about in an attic in Willesden.

Of course, but his value to the future of mankind

goes far beyond only mere financial concern.

Oh, Magid, I wish my family understood that.

Joyce seems to spend all her time worrying about where

your bloody brother's got to.

And as for Josh, well--

MAGID: Still no news?

No.

Well, yes.

Yes, he appears to be living in a squat.

A very un-Malfenist strategy.

Still, what matters is that your work must go on, Marcus.

Freud, Einstein, Crick and Watson, the bus

is not yet full.

There's an empty seat.

Ding ding, room for one more.

Thank you, Magid.

Magid.

Irie.

It's good to have you back.

I have missed you.

So what about our press release, then?

The world famous geneticist, Dr. Marcus Malfen,

is now ready to unveil the wonder of Future Mouse.

This genetically improved mouse will remain on public display

for its entire lifespan.

Visitors will be able to watch the mouse develop various forms

of cancer and then die, all at precisely preordained times,

not to mention a few other entertaining surprises

along the way.

Good, good.

I'm still not sure about entertaining.

It's got to be accessible, Irie.

Can I suggest a coda?

To the effect that Future Mouse ushers in a new phase

of history, where man is no longer a victim of the random,

but instead master of his own destiny.

I'd be honored if you would draft it for me.

What about entertaining?

Come on.

I'll show you to your room.

I've managed to persuade my mentor to come to the launch.

Your mentor?

Yes, my old biology Professor at Kings.

Amazing chap.

Total recluse.

I owe all my life's work to his--

Shh!

Oh god.

Look at this, man.

It's a chicken.

It's unbelievable.

They make me sick.

They go on about rights and freedoms, yeah,

but they eat, like, 50 fucking chickens a week.

Those bastard hypocrites.

Do you know how battery chickens live?

It's a complete crime, but you try telling Dad that.

God, he is so smug.

You ever notice that?

Yeah.

I can't tell you how things have changed.

I feel as if I've-- I've really found myself.

I wanted to talk to you before, but I

just can't stand being with Millat scrounging around,

you know?

Millat's gone.

Yeah.

God, Irie, you've just gotta meet these people.

They're completely incredible.

They know who you are?

I mean, who your dad is.

Don't be absurd.

You know, Joely, she's so incredible.

She's bringing situationism into animal rights in such a,

like, new and-- and amazing way.

Have you shagged her yet?

Well, no.

She's still married to that tosser Crispin, obviously,

but I'm-- but I'm working on it.

You look amazing, you know.

Really.

I do?

Yes, really.

Millat's mad.

Yeah.

Hello?

Comrades?

Comrades?

Joely, hi.

What's up?

Master Malfen, oh yes, your mumsy-wumsy popped by

to drop off your mail.

Still think we should hear what he has to say.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Joely, he's the son of the beast.

Oh no.

The only question is.

What do we do with you?

Millat, Brother Ibrahim wants to speak to you.

Rule one, Brother Millat?

Remember always the glory of Muhammad, peace be upon him.

Rule two?

Immerse oneself in the Quran.

Rule three?

Be ascetic in one's habits.

Sleeping quarters, Brother Millat,

are subject to regular searches.

Marijuana, masturbation, and alcohol, Brother Millat,

are a government conspiracy to weaken

the powers of our best men.

Forgive me, Brother.

I haven't seen a woman for weeks.

A test is common, Brother Millat, a test of your very

deepest mettle, something that will

prove your loyalty beyond any doubt,

and bind us together forever.

This is not the time for forgiveness, Brother Millat.

This is the time for action.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mrs. Iqbal?

Mrs. Iqbal?

Now, I know we haven't always been on the best of terms.

Look, this is just too important to let

your feelings get in the way.

I've been speaking to my therapist.

He said that Millat has terrible mental scarring, that it's

absolutely vital that he and Magid should

meet so that their conflict can be resolved.

Surely, you can see that the twins have to meet each other.

We have to persuade Millat to come home!

Home?

Whose bloody home?

You can hardly expect him to come back here after you've

burned all his things, can you?

This whole damn mess is your bloody fault!

Stupid English girl.

You let those fundamental bastards steal him away

from under your stupid nose.

And all the time your snooty bloody husband

is poisoning my other son with all

the dreaming spires bullshit.

Is that not enough for you?

With all due respect, Mrs. Iqbal,

the dysfunctionalism in your family

predates any involvement of ours, thank you very much!

Magid.

Yes?

You will tell me if you hear from Millat, won't you?

I won't hear from him.

My brother shuns me because I am an atheist.

He has converted to Islam, and I to science.

We have found our truth.

If you wanted to meet, would you see him?

Millat demands unconditional surrender, but you know that.

You love him.

Have the tickets for the launch arrived from the printer's yet?

Don't use the bloody phone!

I told you before.

What happened to your face?

We must keep the line free at all times in case Millat calls.

Don't worry.

He won't.

I'm not cross with you, Irie.

I know you're only saying that because you love him,

even though he doesn't love you.

Listen, Joyce.

Why don't you worry about your own family for once?

I mean, what about Josh?

When was the last time we saw him, eh?

Those people he's with, you don't know anything about them,

do you?

Why don't you think about that for a while

and keep the fuck out of anyone else's business?

Josh is only trying to get a little bit of attention

at the moment, just like you are.

Joely, Joely, I swear, I'm not a spy.

I'm one of you, I am.

I've converted.

I've renounced Malfenism.

What the fuck's Malfenism?

I hate him more than you do.

Joely, you've got to believe me!

Well, I'd like to, Josh.

I really would.

But we're gonna need some proof.

Crispin's devised a little test, Josh.

See if you really are one of us.

Brothers, the hour is at hand.

A great evil has come among us.

In Willesden, there is a man, brothers, who aspires

to take the place of Allah.

And his name is Malfen.

This infidel, brothers, has taken Allah's mouse,

and he has dared to change, to adjust, to modify it,

to create a new animal, brothers, one which has no name

but is simply an abomination.

Today, a mouse, brothers, tomorrow a man.

Such is the way with the unbeliever.

And who in this godless society will stand up and stop him?

Who, brothers, will make the necessary sacrifice?

I will.

Takfir.

Allahu akbar!

Takfir.

Allahu akbar.

Takfir.

Allahu akbar!

Takfir.

Allahu akbar!!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Abu.

I want you to know that I'm not here of my own volition,

but because your mother told me, begged me to deliver a message.

Magid, your mother wishes you to meet your brother, Millat.

I am aware of his name.

Oh yes?

Ridicule me?

My own son?

Have you never read the Quran?

Do you not know the duties a son owes to his father?

Samad.

Your mother also particularly wishes that you not

speak of this to the Malfen woman,

in case she thinks it was her idea.

Why should I not meet him?

He was always the favorite.

What?

It was you I sent home to Bangladesh.

Precisely!

So?

The thing is, Magid, Millat's come

home especially to see you.

Interesting.

I'm curious as to what might have engendered

this shift in policy.

What is your opinion, Archie?

Sorry, what?

Should I meet my brother or not?

Go on.

Answer him.

If he would rather have advice from an old fool

he barely knows than from his own father,

then let him have it!

Heads, he does, tails, he doesn't.

[SINGING IN GERMAN]

May I help you?

Uh, Dad said that I could have some tickets for

the-- the Future Mouse thing.

No, Josh.

You're trying to steal tickets so you

and your animal rights friends can wreck the launch

and embarrass your father, aren't you?

Um.

Top drawer on the right.

Help yourself.

Irie, thank you.

You're incredible.

Well, I do have the most tremendous breasts.

Millat.

Sit down quickly.

We're just having some curry.

Where have you been?

May I say, sister, it is good to see a Western woman who

respects herself, and doesn't prostitute

her body to the rapacious glasses

of every passing white man.

Woman.

Uh, thanks.

You see, sister, released from the shackles of male scrutiny,

the woman is free to be who she is inside.

Here, take a leaflet.

I'm going to meet my brother tomorrow.

I want you to come.

Come on.

You've changed.

You too.

So you're going through with it, yeah?

It is a great project.

It's an abomination.

Our desire, brother, is only to improve the lot of humanity.

It was all very well for you safe at home with Irie,

but I was banished to Bangladesh, where I found

myself prey to every passing whim

of nature, every hurricane and flood,

every illness and disease!

And now, now I have a chance to help,

to improve our thoughts in the random lottery of life.

Millat, is that so wrong?

Seems to be going pretty well.

Well?

Tomorrow, I want you to bring some tickets

for the Future Mouse launch round to my brother.

What?

I've convinced him that Dr. Malfen has been unfairly

maligned, and he now wishes that his colleagues in the sect

should have an opportunity to hear our arguments.

Well, you can't say fairer than that.

[PHONE RINGING]

MARCUS: All right, children, this is it, the big day.

What time's the old boy coming?

He's not an old boy, Irie.

He's my friend and the world's leading geneticist.

Pardon me.

I should be back by the time he comes.

Now, try not to do anything stupid.

Don't take his rudeness to heart, Irie.

He's simply nervous.

Now, do you think five tickets will be enough for my brother's

colleagues?

Better make it 10.

You know, Irie, you look very nice today.

Thank you.

[HOLLERING]

OK, now that we've got the tickets--

and personally, I think that dispels any doubts

about Josh's loyalties-- we have to decide what to do with them.

We've got to take Malfen out, definitely.

Make a point that will shock the public

and force the whole scientific community to think again.

Fear is the key.

Right.

What's the point in freeing the mouse, anyway?

Plenty more where that came from.

Couldn't be more wrong there, Crispie.

It's unique.

It cost a fortune and funding's run out.

Future Mouse has to be a success,

otherwise the backers will pull out.

In short, this launch is make or break for the entire research

program.

So liberating the mouse would, in fact, be a fatal blow.

Exactly.

But that bastard thing's got cancer, hasn't it?

Thanks to your daddy.

If we get it out, it'll just die in pain somewhere else.

So, Crispin, what you're saying is that you wouldn't help

a political prisoner to escape if he

or she had a terminal disease.

I think he's got a point, Crisp.

Yeah.

Right.

Let's put it to a vote.

Not yet, Laddie.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Millat?

Millat?

I, um, I-- the tickets for the launch of Future Mouse--

Yeah?

Do you want to see my breasts?

Yes, please, sister.

Mwah!

Mwah.

Clothe yourself, sister.

HOw can I respect you when you don't respect yourself?

What?

How can you offer it to me like that?

And make so much noise?

Are the women become men?

Are they meat upon the shelf?

I love you.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Irie!

Are you OK?

[SOBBING]

Irie.

Irie.

You know me, brothers.

For 18 years, I owned the most famous

halal butchers in Willesden.

And what did it profit me?

Incites robberies, assaults, firebombings, burglaries,

vandalism, idiots trying to commit

suicide outside my front door-- these were my rewards.

So when I heard the words of Brother Ibrahim, when I heard

him tell me there was a war going on,

I thought to myself, no fucking shit!

Yes!

BUTCHER: At last, somebody was speaking my language!

CROWD: Yes!

BUTCHER: After 18 years, brothers, I want some payback!

Yes!

Then let it be so.

BUTCHER: Brothers, the entire world decays around us.

Everywhere men wallow in fornication, corruption,

and vice.

You see it on television every day,

every evening, every night.

We are being indoctrinated, fooled, and brainwashed.

CROWD: Yes!

BUTCHER: I want some action!

Yes!

Hello, sir.

Marcus, it is good to see you again.

Ah, Professor, I would like to meet my young protege.

Magid Mahfooz Murshed Mubtasim Iqbal.

I have heard much about you.

I cannot thank you enough for taking

such an interest in my family.

I am a scientist.

I take an interest in everything.

I'll show you to your room, Professor.

You must be tired.

Marcus, about the launch.

Yes, Professor.

Absolutely nothing has been left to chance.

Security is watertight, and I can assure

you no one, not even a mouse--

A mouse, hah!

Will get past our ring of steel without

special numbered tickets which have

been issued only by my office.

Brothers, let us praise the martyr.

Praise him!

He's sent by Allah himself.

There's no god but Allah!

Hey, Malfen, remember me?

Blam!

Hello, Nannah.

It's Irie.

Listen, it's about the Future Mouse launch.

We've got a couple of tickets left here,

and Dr. Malfen has asked me to give them to the Witnesses,

so you can hear his side of the argument.

I'll send them around now.

Then I drag Malfen Jr. down to the front.

Help, Dad.

He's got a knife.

Please give him the mouse, please.

Then Malfen hands it over, and maybe I should

just punch the bastard out.

Uh-uh.

The vote was clearly to rescue the mousie, Crisp.

OK, OK.

Then I'm out of there, past the photographers,

through the press.

And tomorrow morning, I will be on the front page of

every newspaper on the planet.

Samad.

Millat is coming with us.

The more the merrier.

And so is Samad.

Samad!

[SHOUTING]

Not you, asswipe.

He has to be able to recognize you, doesn't he?

For Christ's sake, Joely, we wanna get there in one piece.

[SIREN WAILS]

Crispin.

Shit.

It's pigs.

OK, everyone.

Just keep cool.

Haven't got a thing on us.

Just nice and cool, nice and cool.

[KNOCKING]

Good evening, Madam.

Are you aware your nearside brake light is broken?

Oh, no.

Sorry, Officer.

This your vehicle, Madam?

No, yes.

Do you mind opening up the back doors, please?

Remember, keep cool, and we'll be fine.

Bastard pigs!

Josh.

Look out!

He's got a knife!

Drive, Joely, drive, drive!

Good job, Joely!

We're losing them!

Oh my god, oh my god.

Don't worry, Joely, we'll do this thing

together, just you and me.

Just you and me.

Burn the rat!

Burn the rat!

Thank you.

Ah, Future Mouse.

Hold it there.

All right.

In you go.

Good evening.

My name is Marcus Malfen.

And I would like to introduce you

all to a little friend of mine.

[SQUEAK]

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Future Mouse.

And though I say so myself, he will prove to be one

of the wonders of this century.

In the past, life was thought to be chaotic, random, unknowable.

Bizarre consequences flowed unpredictably from the most

trivial of incidence.

Fate, karma, destiny, whatever its name,

we all lived under its blind tyranny.

No more.

I can now offer you a new future.

I know thy works, that thou are neither cool or hot!

I wish thou wert cold or hot, so then since thou art lukewarm

and neither cool or hot, I will spew thee out

of my mouth-- Revelation 3:15.

Amen.

Thank you for that thought-provoking contribution.

Before I go into any more detail,

I have a personal debt of thanks,

a debt to a great scientist, without whose

pioneering innovation Future Mouse and all

he represents would not be possible.

So please thank someone who has given mankind the chance

to take control of his own destiny,

a giant in the battle against the vagaries of chance,

the Darwin professor of evolutionary biology

at King's College Cambridge, Professor Archibald.

[APPLAUSE]

Come on, Professor.

Come on.

This is your moment too.

Professor Archibald!

Archibald?

He stole my name!

Archibald isn't his name at all.

That's my name!

Archibald?

Sala Harami!

It's the devil of bloody Dachau!

Professor, Professor!

Is there a doctor here?

[SQUEAKING]

Professor Archibald?

Oh my god.

Liberate the mouse!

Hey, Malfen!

Remember me?

Millat.

[SQUEAK]

[GUNSHOT]

Dad!

Archie!

Archie!

Do something.

Call an ambulance or something.

Archie, speak.

Archie?

ALSANA: Speak to me now, Archie.

Go, my son.

[SQUEAK]

SAMAD: Archie!

Archie, can you hear me?

[SQUEAKING]

Archie?

Archie?

Wake up, you silly old fool.

You're fine.

The bullet hit a coin in your pocket.

You just fainted.

I've been looking for that.

That old Nazi's a goner, finally.

Heart attack.

So you lied to me.

All these years, our friendship, our history,

our whole bloody lives!

Everything built on a big, fat lie!

Was it heads or tails?

Heads.

Heads it is.

Congratulations, young. lady.

It's twins.