Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:05,164
(NARRATOR READING)
Previously on 21 Jump Street
2
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,799
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
3
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:08,000
You're a fucking nerd.
4
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,102
Boy, you lucky
you even graduating.
5
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,603
SCHMIDT: Fuck!
ALL: Oh!
6
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,505
You're good at this, huh?
Yeah.
7
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,441
You're really good at this.
Yeah.
8
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,563
Hey, you want to be friends?
9
00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:20,252
Yours isn't loaded, right?
10
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,247
(BOTH GAGGING)
11
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,749
Just touch it.
I'm scared.
12
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,018
Just touch it.
13
00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:27,700
Seriously. All right,
all right, all right.
14
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,789
You took a bullet for me, man.
15
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:31,791
You shot me in the dick!
16
00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:35,227
Boom, motherfuckers!
17
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,463
You two sons of bitches
are going to college!
18
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:47,272
Yin is characterized
as slow, soft, passive
19
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:49,942
and is associated with
water and femininity.
20
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:54,346
While, Yang, by contrast,
is fast and solid and...
21
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,582
Man, this is BS.
22
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:59,518
I thought we were going to actual
college, not online college.
23
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,753
Listening for coded
messages in lectures.
24
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:02,754
(SCOFFS) What are
you talking about?
25
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:03,756
Look around.
26
00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:05,824
This is our city.
27
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:06,959
What do we want to
be in college for?
28
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,193
You're right.
29
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,762
Partners for life.
30
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:13,765
At Metro city port, the
tide comes in at 10:30 A.M.
31
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,434
Then it will return to the sea.
32
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,469
Metro port.
One hour.
33
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,471
♪♪♪
34
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:21,406
Let's do this.
35
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,143
♪ Turn down for what
36
00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:29,148
♪ Turn down for what
37
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,484
Surprise.
There's two more arms.
38
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:34,620
♪♪♪
39
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:38,690
♪ Turn down for what
40
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,303
♪ Turn down for what ♪
41
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,939
Shit! That's the ghost.
JENKO: The ghost?
42
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,440
Joste Nillsen,
43
00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:57,309
biggest trafficker of
illegal goods in Metro city.
44
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,278
He teamed up with
a Mexican cartel
45
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,013
and they're running all
this shit through the port.
46
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:01,980
What the hell are we
supposed to be buying?
47
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:02,982
I don't know.
48
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,685
What are you doing?
Huh?
49
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,320
I got a new identity
that's gonna be killer.
50
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,955
I'll be throwing it to you
to make it legit.
51
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:10,989
(SIGHS)
52
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,624
Okay.
53
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,393
I'm gonna need you
to improvise. Okay?
54
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,594
I don't want to improvise.
55
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,396
I'm gonna need you to improvise.
56
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,131
I suck at improvising.
I don't want to do it.
57
00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:21,733
I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.
58
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,603
I need absolute silence
while I fall into character.
59
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,406
Can you give me
a head start on...
60
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,875
I need absolute...
I need absolute silence.
61
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,277
Can you please...
Absolute silence.
62
00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:37,282
♪♪♪
63
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,962
JENKO: Are you fucking
serious right now?
64
00:03:52,131 --> 00:03:54,366
All right.
I hate people who are late.
65
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,736
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
66
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,471
We're trying to
see that product.
67
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:00,839
Shit!
68
00:04:01,674 --> 00:04:03,942
Yo, sleepy!
What's up, homie?
69
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,811
You know my cousin, sad boy.
70
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,813
I think you got
the wrong guy, homes.
71
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:10,115
Oh, that's bullshit, man!
You sleepy!
72
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,650
Everyone say in the barrio,
73
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:14,486
sleepy, he like
the Mexican Wolverine and shit.
74
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,455
Hey, my partner here,
he want to see the product.
75
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,589
Why ain't he talking?
76
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:22,827
(IN FOREIGN ACCENT)
My name is Jeff.
77
00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:24,796
That's jeffe, man.
78
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,200
Tell 'em about
mousie's quinceanera, man.
79
00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:31,603
Tell 'em about
that crazy adventure you guys had.
80
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:34,940
I don't know what
you're talking about.
81
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,509
Oh, man, when you were
telling the story last night,
82
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,511
you had so much detail!
83
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,713
The detail was so rich! It was rich detail!
(STAMMERING)
84
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:44,383
Go into incredibly
descriptive details
85
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,684
of the story, so we all know.
86
00:04:46,586 --> 00:04:47,953
Oh, yes. (SIGHS)
87
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:51,757
It was Dora and Diego
88
00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:53,292
and swiper.
89
00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:54,993
Swiper?
90
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,595
Who was that you
choked out, man?
91
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:58,530
He had it coming!
Who was that?
92
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,800
Boots.
93
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:05,137
No, man, that wasn't boots!
Boots isn't a real name!
94
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,305
You got to tell them
the real story, man.
95
00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:08,273
Start over from the top.
96
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,376
That's a made-up name.
97
00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:15,047
I can't believe the punks
I have to deal with these days.
98
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:22,688
It really makes me
miss the '90s,
99
00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:25,691
when we had
professionals around.
100
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,075
You want to check out the goods?
101
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,798
Check it out.
102
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:37,035
And shut up. Right?
103
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,770
Where'd you find
this gringo, man?
104
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,540
At the fucking Mumford & sons concert
and shit? (LAUGHS)
105
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,585
(SOFTLY) What is it?
Guns? Drugs?
106
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,053
(HISSING)
(SCREAMING)
107
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,388
No! No!
108
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:58,957
Dude!
It's gross!
109
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,826
It's inking in my mouth!
110
00:06:01,594 --> 00:06:03,462
I'll get it off.
111
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,565
Its tentacle is eating me!
112
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,533
It's so strong!
It's really on there, man.
113
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:09,668
It's biting my face!
114
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:11,937
(SCREAMS)
115
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,172
Shit!
116
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:16,908
Black market exotic animals,
just like we expected to be in there.
117
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:17,976
The accents are gone, huh?
118
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,846
Take them out, guys.
They're cops.
119
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,849
(GUNS FIRING)
120
00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,316
What was that? I don't know!
I think we're moving.
121
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:34,726
We're definitely moving!
122
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,294
JENKO: There's fucking
birds and shit in here!
123
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:37,462
There's actual shit!
124
00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:39,431
SCHMIDT: What the fuck?
125
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,867
There's a fucking
dragon in here!
126
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,069
(SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Shit!
127
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:46,872
What was that?
128
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:51,476
Dude, that was our car.
129
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,712
We shared so much in that car!
130
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:57,382
I'm going to shoot them in the face
for that! That was our fucking car!
131
00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,384
What are you doing?
132
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,219
Don't teen wolf on the truck!
133
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,354
Don't leave me here alone!
134
00:07:02,356 --> 00:07:03,388
Then get up here!
135
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,823
I can't do that!
136
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,759
Then fucking climb around.
Come on, climb around.
137
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,795
Let's go. Come on, buddy.
You got it.
138
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:10,829
SCHMIDT: This is so scary!
139
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:11,897
Shoot him!
140
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,465
SCHMIDT: Don't leave me
out here!
141
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,400
I'm all out.
You stupid moron!
142
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:16,562
That's it. Come on.
(GRUNTING)
143
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,472
Fucking get up here.
Come on. Fuck!
144
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:21,807
All right, you good?
Yeah!
145
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,509
All you got to do is walk now, okay?
Okay.
146
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,210
(SCREAMS)
147
00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:26,845
Shit!
148
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:30,649
What the fuck are you doing?
Get up here!
149
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:32,417
I can't!
150
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,252
All right, fine,
I guess I'll just drag you.
151
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,787
I'm gonna die!
152
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,423
You're not gonna die.
Just get the fuck up here!
153
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:39,791
(SCHMIDT CONTINUES SCREAMING)
154
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:44,196
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Pull yourself up here.
155
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:46,598
Use your core!
156
00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:50,902
You got it, you got it.
Come on, come on. Yeah!
157
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:51,636
All right.
Think you can stand on your own now?
158
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,038
Yes!
159
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,040
I think we lost them.
160
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,107
Shit!
161
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,530
He's the fucking Terminator!
162
00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:00,278
That's fucking dangerous!
163
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,784
You are under arrest!
164
00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,819
Pull the truck over!
165
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,988
I said pull the fucking truck over
right fucking now!
166
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,724
You owe me a car,
167
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,226
and it'd better be a fucking Lamborghini,
you bitch!
168
00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:15,560
I did it!
169
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:16,962
You have the right
to remain silent.
170
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,330
Oh, shit!
171
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:20,532
(BOTH SCREAMING)
172
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,405
Holy Moses!
173
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,773
SCHMIDT: Shit.
174
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:30,141
(JENKO GRUNTS)
175
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,576
JENKO: What happened?
176
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:32,818
SCHMIDT: I think they got away.
177
00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:38,650
Is that a hickey?
178
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:43,788
Oh. This was actually
an octopus-related incident.
179
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:48,860
I'd opened a crate and the
octopus had leapt onto my face.
180
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,663
Apparently, they have
many, many arms.
181
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,098
They have eight tentacles.
182
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:54,466
Yes, and...
183
00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:56,434
Look, ladies,
184
00:08:56,436 --> 00:09:00,872
nobody gave a shit about the jump
street reboot when you first came on.
185
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,941
Anyone with half a brain,
myself included,
186
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,744
thought it was destined
to fail spectacularly.
187
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:07,312
But you got lucky.
188
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,080
So now this department
has invested
189
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:13,118
a lot of money to make sure
jump street keeps going.
190
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,353
We've doubled their budget.
191
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:18,189
As if spending twice the money
guaranteed twice the profit.
192
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,758
(LAUGHING)
193
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,593
Like that's going to work.
194
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:25,864
Yeah. Well, the commissioner's
convinced this debacle happened
195
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,600
because you weren't doing the
same undercover student thing
196
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,001
you did the first time.
197
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,337
She doesn't get
that it's always worse
198
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:33,339
the second time around.
199
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,207
You settle into
worn-out roles.
200
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,877
One gets possessive,
the other runs away.
201
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:41,079
You begin a slow,
painful unraveling,
202
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,615
as all the good things
that came before
203
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:47,052
begin to be crushed
by the trash compactor of sadness.
204
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,221
That doesn't sound like us.
I mean... (CHUCKLES)
205
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:51,890
I'm getting a divorce.
206
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:56,528
We don't want to
do the same thing.
207
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:58,930
We want to burst
through our ceiling.
208
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,265
And you're gonna
find another ceiling
209
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,800
and you got to
bust through that one,
210
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:02,601
and you just got to
keep hammering ceilings.
211
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:04,502
Okay, okay, okay.
212
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,172
What if we actually went
into the secret service
213
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:08,640
and, like, tried to
protect the white house?
214
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,809
I think...
I don't think that would work.
215
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:12,544
I'm going to ask you
to stop talking.
216
00:10:12,546 --> 00:10:13,979
I thought it was
a pretty good idea.
217
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:17,716
Do the same thing as last time,
everyone's happy.
218
00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:23,655
I can't believe the Koreans
bought their church back.
219
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,423
Yeah. Good thing
there was an even bigger
220
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,158
abandoned church
directly across the street.
221
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,829
Yeah. That's convenient.
Yes, it is convenient.
222
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,364
Next year, we'll probably
just be right back across the street.
223
00:10:32,366 --> 00:10:33,765
Just next door.
224
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,600
(SCOFFS) Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
225
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:36,868
We're not ahead of ourselves.
226
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:38,110
We're right next to each other.
227
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:44,109
This is awesome.
Like, way more expensive for no reason.
228
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:46,044
Look at dickson's office.
229
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:49,247
Looks like a giant cube of ice.
230
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,749
How you bitches
like jump street now?
231
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,050
Hey!
232
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,719
Y'all see this shit?
233
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:57,689
22 jump street is the lick.
234
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,224
And I got
a big-ass raise
235
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,726
to babysit
you two fuckers again.
236
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:04,162
Designed it myself.
We got an espresso bar.
237
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,964
I'm thinking about
a shark tank over there.
238
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,432
Ooh, I like sharks.
239
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:11,202
Fuck a 21 jump street,
and fuck a Korean Jesus.
240
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,104
Whoa! Cap, come on,
Korean Jesus is right there.
241
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,739
DICKSON: That's Vietnamese Jesus.
242
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:16,941
See, this a Vietnamese church.
243
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:20,345
You racist,
sacrilegious sack of shit.
244
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:25,116
Look at that.
Vietnamese Jesus just dripping swagoo.
245
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,651
And we got some
new dumb-ass interns.
246
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:28,119
Hey, hey! Look alive!
Huh?
247
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,321
(CHUCKLES) Boys.
Yo, jenko.
248
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,323
(GRUNTING)
249
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:35,060
Hey, Schmidt!
250
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,699
Don't do that.
251
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,801
So, they want the same shit,
so here we go.
252
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,170
Same identities.
253
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,139
Same assignment.
254
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,641
JENKO: We're going back
to high school?
255
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,576
Your ass look like you about 50.
256
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,111
You're going to MC state.
257
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,746
We're going to college for real?
258
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:58,216
Somebody's out there,
they're cooking up a new drug.
259
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,252
It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed
with God knows what else.
260
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,888
JENKO: Wipey?
261
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,157
No, you dumb motherfucker.
Whyphy.
262
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:09,627
Stands for work hard? Yes.
Play hard? Yes.
263
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:11,396
Now, these kids take this shit,
264
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:15,066
and they get laser-focused
for about four hours of studying,
265
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,169
and then they party
like it's goddamn 1999.
266
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,338
SCHMIDT: Who's this?
267
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:21,906
That's Cynthia Watson.
268
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,742
She was a student at MC state.
269
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,976
She took some whyphy,
270
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,244
got locked out of her dorm,
271
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,479
ended up falling off the roof.
272
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:29,514
And now she's dead.
273
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:34,953
That's her buying drugs
on campus.
274
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,654
And that's the dealer.
275
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:38,857
Find him and we find
the supplier.
276
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:41,726
Sir, can I just say,
277
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:45,597
it is so refreshing to have
a case with a black victim.
278
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:48,299
I mean, we care so much
more because she's black.
279
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,568
I think what he's
really trying to say
280
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:53,371
is that we care equally.
281
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:56,541
It's a tie, really,
how much we care.
282
00:12:56,543 --> 00:13:00,078
Uh... no, we're not. If it was a
white person, I wouldn't even care.
283
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,800
One less cracker-ass
cracker to worry about.
284
00:13:03,482 --> 00:13:06,484
Why every time you speak I
want to throw the fuck up?
285
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:09,387
Infiltrate the dealer,
find the supplier.
286
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,889
♪♪♪
287
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:13,324
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
288
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:20,565
You all right?
289
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:22,600
Yeah.
290
00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:24,402
It's just...
291
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:30,275
I'm the first person in my family
to pretend to go to college.
292
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,110
Best part is we get to
do it together.
293
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,246
What's up, college?
294
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,648
What's up, Bro?
We're 322.
295
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:37,715
Fuck high school, right?
296
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:38,850
Fuck high school.
297
00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:41,052
Oh, so tight!
298
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,888
Oh, this is so baller!
299
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,890
Beds... oh, shit.
(GROANS)
300
00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:48,159
Oh, dope.
That looks like cum.
301
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,828
That's cum.
Okay. All right.
302
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,310
Already got cum on
the mattress, dawg.
303
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,432
Welcome to college.
Fuck, yeah.
304
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:04,309
Hilarious shirt that
signals we drink alcohol.
305
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,247
Some bacon machine
that my mom got me.
306
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,582
I do not understand
how it works.
307
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,226
It's true.
308
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,588
JENKO: Super high-Tech
police gear.
309
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:26,097
Carte Blanche with
the budget, motherfucker.
310
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:30,869
I'm going to veto that poster.
311
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:33,371
It's a touch childish.
312
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:36,107
Okay. What do lambos have to
do with touching children?
313
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:38,276
Lambos are lame.
314
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:41,112
I get one choice. I get
one thing that I'm not...
315
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,881
We have to agree.
You know what I mean?
316
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:45,383
What up, fellas? We're your
across-the-hall neighbors.
317
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,351
Oh, hey, there's two of you.
You're twins.
318
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:47,485
What's up, man?
319
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,854
We're the yangs, man.
Kenny Yang. What's up?
320
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,189
Keith Yang.
321
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,523
What's going on?
What's going on?
322
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,691
Did you say the yangs?
323
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,293
Yeah, dad's Chinese, man.
324
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,528
Our mom's not Chinese.
She's black.
325
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:58,997
Oh.
She's like real black.
326
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,632
Like Wesley snipes black.
Exactly.
327
00:15:00,634 --> 00:15:01,666
We're brothers, too.
328
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:03,434
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
329
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,769
No. He's not kidding.
He's serious.
330
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,170
Oh, really?
331
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:07,605
What? Like, one of y'all older?
332
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,307
Mmm-hmm.
333
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,174
Yeah, 'cause you got crow's
feet under your eyes, man.
334
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:11,876
You specifically.
335
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,646
We're actually just
normal college age.
336
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,314
I mean, even if you're a little
older, that's cool, man,
337
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,615
because, you know,
girls here love older dudes.
338
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,917
That's true.
339
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,785
Plus, there's mad
fuckable girls here.
340
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,720
Mad fuckable. Especially
during spring break.
341
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,923
JENKO: I love spring break.
But I do have to say,
342
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,424
I've fucked
a thousand girls by now
343
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,692
and I don't know,
at the end of the day,
344
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:28,960
you just kind of want something
345
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,061
that's just
a little deeper really.
346
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:33,932
BOTH: Yeah, balls deeper.
Jinx. Buy me a coke.
347
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:37,335
Oh, snap, we're still saying the
same thing. This is amazing!
348
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,271
Carrots. Pumpernickels.
Glow sticks. Twins!
349
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,173
That's dope, dude.
That's so sick.
350
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,443
That's crazy. We have that
brother connection, too.
351
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,811
You ready?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
352
00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:48,513
Pirates! Baby feet!
Paper clips! Bananas!
353
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,481
Sun! Anger!
I don't know! Words!
354
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:51,716
Quicksand!
Shoes!
355
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,117
Boom!
356
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,552
That's hip-hop, man.
Awesome.
357
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:55,554
That's great.
358
00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:58,056
It's gonna be super fun.
359
00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,178
All right?
Same as last time.
360
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,060
Dude, if it's like last time,
361
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,928
you're gonna have an awesome time,
and it's gonna suck for me.
362
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,596
No. You're gonna have
an awesome time, too,
363
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:07,165
because I'm gonna
make sure of it.
364
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,633
You took a bullet for me.
365
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:11,202
That's right, I did, and it
sucked, but I'd do it again.
366
00:16:11,204 --> 00:16:13,404
No way. It's my turn.
I owe you a life debt.
367
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,505
(SINGSONG)
Co-Ed bathrooms.
368
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,307
What? Oh, shit.
369
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,077
(WHISPERING) I'm not
gonna take a shit
370
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:19,944
the entire time I'm here.
371
00:16:19,946 --> 00:16:21,179
I know.
372
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,614
Hey.
How you doing?
373
00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:25,950
Hey.
374
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:28,686
What's up?
'Sup?
375
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,788
Just exhausted from
inventing Facebook
376
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,124
or whatever website
people our age use.
377
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:38,129
JENKO: They still
have books?
378
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:40,198
I thought they just put the
books inside the computers.
379
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,734
Yeah, I guess the kids just use
the stacks to hide and have sex.
380
00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:44,736
So we'll go to all Cynthia's
classes and activities,
381
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:46,137
ask around about the drug
382
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,772
and find out who the dealer is.
383
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,040
Yeah, it's just like last time.
384
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,908
Exactly like last time.
385
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,076
Dude, in human sexuality,
386
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,644
do you get to fuck
387
00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,206
or do you just get
to watch people fuck?
388
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:56,781
Neither.
389
00:16:58,150 --> 00:16:59,670
What the fuck am I
taking it for, then?
390
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:04,989
Now, obviously, we've all
heard this statement before,
391
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,726
I've got a first
impression for you.
392
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:09,728
(CLEARS THROAT)
393
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:13,064
(MIMICKING TRACY MORGAN)
Oh, y'all like psychology?
394
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,399
Tracy Morgan.
395
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:19,203
Nobody?
396
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:22,640
(SOFTLY) Work hard,
play hard, am I right?
397
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:28,946
You looking for some whyphy?
398
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,048
Yeah, man, that'd be sick.
399
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,682
Go to the police station,
400
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,451
walk in and ask your captain
to see the evidence room
401
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:34,613
'cause you're a fucking narc.
402
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:37,355
I think you're mistaken.
403
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,323
(LAUGHS) You're literally
wearing your badge.
404
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:40,291
Did you really just check to see
405
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:41,359
if you were wearing your badge?
406
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,361
This guy's a fucking cop.
407
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,128
I didn't look down.
408
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:50,368
Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't
history happen a long time ago?
409
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,203
Well, history happens...
410
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,306
This class is such a gut.
411
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:56,207
Hey, you guys play football?
412
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,209
No, this is actually my laptop.
413
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,491
Yeah, I'm taking
notes right now.
414
00:18:00,679 --> 00:18:02,313
I'm kidding.
It's a football.
415
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,315
Mr. Mcquaid?
416
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:05,683
Covalent bonds.
417
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:08,119
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
418
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:12,423
What has been the result
of the war on drugs?
419
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,592
Why would you ask me?
I'm not a cop.
420
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,595
Because this is
a college seminar,
421
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,064
and that's how
college seminars work.
422
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:23,634
Professor gets into a lively
conversation with the student.
423
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,771
Friction creates fire, and
that leads to lessons learned.
424
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,039
Well, it's definitely
harder to get drugs.
425
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:29,607
I can personally tell you that.
426
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,576
The average price of cocaine
427
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:34,545
has dropped 70%
in the last 30 years.
428
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,414
Then your dealer's probably selling
you some pretty stepped-on shit.
429
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,149
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
430
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:41,452
Mr. Mcquaid, college is
a wonderful place.
431
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:45,022
This is where you get to
decide who you actually are,
432
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,725
instead of the person that you're
clearly pretending to be right now,
433
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,161
which everyone sees
through, by the way.
434
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,664
You got to decide, do I just
keep doing the same thing,
435
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,100
or am I gonna
choose a different path
436
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,602
and question my convictions?
437
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,705
I don't have any
prior convictions.
438
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:05,309
Why are you saying this stuff?
439
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:10,448
That's exactly the answer I wanted, Mr.
Mcquaid!
440
00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,884
I want you to question
what I'm saying.
441
00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:15,219
This is the basis
of this whole course,
442
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:16,821
and that's the beauty
of college.
443
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,389
You can say whatever you want.
444
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,057
You can be whatever you want.
445
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:22,894
I mean, I have tenure. I can
really say whatever I want.
446
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:24,595
George Washington
was a black lesbian.
447
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,430
The Eiffel tower
is made of dildos.
448
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,199
They can't fire me.
I'm indestructible.
449
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,467
(SMACKING LIPS)
450
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:30,801
I'm sleeping with
two of my students.
451
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,069
Her and her.
I actually am.
452
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:34,138
Now, just like you did before,
453
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:37,742
I want you right now
to say whatever you want.
454
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,377
Say whatever you want.
455
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:41,913
Fieto.
456
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:45,183
Fieto, not a word,
but I'm gonna accept it.
457
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:48,152
You can do whatever you want
with your life, Mr. mcquaid.
458
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:50,121
The only way you can
fail this class
459
00:19:50,123 --> 00:19:52,523
is by not becoming
who you truly are.
460
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:54,792
Please respond to my text.
461
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,798
MALE STUDENT: Okay, we got time
for just one more improve game.
462
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,800
For this one, we need a ton
of different suggestions.
463
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:05,036
So, we just need you guys
to fill in the blank
464
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,637
in a sentence that
we're gonna set up.
465
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,373
So it'll go like this. Oh, I'm
so hungry, I wish I had a...
466
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,342
Tampon!
Okay, but we want...
467
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:12,710
We want it to be actual food
468
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,145
so that it, like, makes
sense with the game.
469
00:20:14,147 --> 00:20:17,081
It's more fun that way. So, uh,
let's try it one more time.
470
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,116
Oh, I've got to get home
so I can feed my...
471
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,651
Boner!
472
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:21,953
You know what? Let's just
play the game, okay?
473
00:20:21,955 --> 00:20:24,388
GIRL: All right,
so what would you...
474
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,856
Hey, that girl's
in my psych class.
475
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,258
Damn, she's hot.
Go talk to her.
476
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,759
You come talk to her with me.
477
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,462
Stop being a pussy
and go talk to her. Go.
478
00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:32,763
All right, all right.
479
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,832
Coming to the stage, we got...
480
00:20:37,469 --> 00:20:38,970
J. Bohnes, aka...
481
00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:41,072
Hey.
Hi.
482
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,554
I think we're in
the same psych class.
483
00:20:43,108 --> 00:20:44,642
Oh, yeah. Hi.
484
00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:46,244
Yeah.
485
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:51,115
Pills! Pills!
Bills! Pills!
486
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,619
Bills! A sign of
the times that rhymes
487
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:56,487
Amanda Bynes
488
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:59,156
drop that raggedy Andy circus
489
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:01,058
circle jerkus...
490
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,027
You guys are the improve
guys, right? Yeah.
491
00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:04,428
That's cool.
492
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,230
You're the guy with
the terrible suggestions.
493
00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,933
Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, man.
Yeah.
494
00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:12,236
Thanks, guys. Um, lady J is
gonna be up next for you.
495
00:21:12,238 --> 00:21:14,639
Cynthia, that girl who died,
496
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:15,840
she used to come here
all the time, right?
497
00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:17,074
Mmm.
498
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:19,877
This piece is called areolas.
499
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:22,346
Did you know her?
500
00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:24,315
Yeah, she lived
across the hall from me.
501
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:25,750
Yeah?
So why do you care so much?
502
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,352
I'm... I'm writing a...
503
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,588
Greedy man hands!
504
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,157
...a slam poem
in her honor.
505
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:34,759
Early stages, very early stages.
506
00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,060
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah.
507
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:37,561
Wouldn't it be better
508
00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:39,130
just to, like, plan the
stuff out ahead of time,
509
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:42,800
and then not say it in front of
people and embarrass yourself?
510
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:46,237
That's a thing that people do.
That's stand-up comedy.
511
00:21:46,239 --> 00:21:47,371
That's probably
what you should do,
512
00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:49,073
because that stuff's funny.
513
00:21:49,075 --> 00:21:53,010
My brown nipple will produce
white milk during lactation...
514
00:21:53,012 --> 00:21:54,612
What do you think of this?
515
00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:56,614
I actually think
it's really powerful.
516
00:21:56,616 --> 00:21:58,149
That's cool that you said that,
517
00:21:58,151 --> 00:22:00,351
'cause I actually thought it
was really powerful, too,
518
00:22:00,353 --> 00:22:03,020
when the one girl was talking
about her nips and shit.
519
00:22:03,022 --> 00:22:04,755
(APPLAUSE)
520
00:22:04,757 --> 00:22:08,426
Okay, does anybody have
anything they want to share?
521
00:22:08,428 --> 00:22:09,760
Let's see what you got.
522
00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:11,395
Any more poets in the audience?
523
00:22:11,397 --> 00:22:12,837
I... I mean, do you
really do poetry?
524
00:22:13,131 --> 00:22:14,799
I do, and I will.
525
00:22:14,801 --> 00:22:16,167
I got somebody.
What?
526
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:18,969
Okay, we got somebody.
All right, give it up, guys.
527
00:22:18,971 --> 00:22:20,371
Yeah!
Okay.
528
00:22:20,373 --> 00:22:21,639
Just go up there.
All right, okay.
529
00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:22,807
Okay.
No pressure.
530
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:23,929
You'll see, it's good. Yeah!
531
00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:27,812
(LAUGHS)
532
00:22:29,514 --> 00:22:30,681
Um...
533
00:22:32,317 --> 00:22:34,752
This is a work in progress.
534
00:22:36,822 --> 00:22:37,822
So, uh...
535
00:22:42,894 --> 00:22:44,562
Slam poetry!
536
00:22:45,263 --> 00:22:46,464
Yelling!
537
00:22:47,165 --> 00:22:48,165
Angry!
538
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:52,770
Waving my hands a lot!
539
00:22:52,772 --> 00:22:54,972
Specific point of view on things
540
00:22:56,007 --> 00:22:57,007
Cynthia!
541
00:22:57,676 --> 00:23:00,478
(ENUNCIATING) Cynthia
542
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,714
Jesus died for
our sin-thee-uhs
543
00:23:04,316 --> 00:23:05,616
Jesus cried
544
00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:07,585
runaway bride
545
00:23:08,653 --> 00:23:10,121
Julia Roberts!
546
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:12,757
Julia rob
547
00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:14,525
hurts
548
00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:16,494
(LAUGHING)
549
00:23:16,496 --> 00:23:17,962
Cynthia!
550
00:23:18,363 --> 00:23:20,131
(GROANS)
551
00:23:20,133 --> 00:23:22,233
Cynthia
552
00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:23,934
you're dead you are dead
553
00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:27,004
(SCATTING)
554
00:23:28,273 --> 00:23:29,273
You're dead
555
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,144
that's for Cynthia, who's dead.
556
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:35,813
(ALL APPLAUDING)
557
00:23:39,017 --> 00:23:40,017
Whoo!
558
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,192
I don't have a single lead.
559
00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:51,028
I do. I hear you can get whyphy
on campus anywhere 24/7.
560
00:23:53,231 --> 00:23:54,899
Do you think they mean
whyphy the drug
561
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:55,941
or WI-Fi like
the Internet?
562
00:23:57,335 --> 00:23:58,869
What...
563
00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:02,339
Fuck you, brain.
564
00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:05,509
How did we find the dealers
so easy the first time?
565
00:24:05,511 --> 00:24:07,011
Well, his number was
literally on a sticker.
566
00:24:07,013 --> 00:24:09,013
Well, let's go find
this guy's sticker.
567
00:24:09,015 --> 00:24:10,781
I don't think this guy
does stickers.
568
00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:13,717
Well, we need help. We
need to consult an expert.
569
00:24:13,719 --> 00:24:15,686
KENNY: Yo, dude, you shot
him in the dick, dude.
570
00:24:15,688 --> 00:24:16,768
I got him in the dick. Yep.
571
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:19,190
Shot him in the dick.
572
00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:23,127
(LAUGHING)
573
00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:25,529
If it isn't Turner and
hooch, in the flesh.
574
00:24:25,531 --> 00:24:27,998
Holy shit, you are looking fit.
575
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,467
(GRUNTS)
576
00:24:29,469 --> 00:24:32,436
Hey, you should get
some tips from this guy.
577
00:24:32,438 --> 00:24:35,172
He's looking good. Look at
those pectoral muscles.
578
00:24:35,174 --> 00:24:37,241
That's the kind of definition
I want out of you, man.
579
00:24:37,243 --> 00:24:39,076
What's up, Eric?
Hey.
580
00:24:39,078 --> 00:24:41,645
Mr. Walters,
we should, um...
581
00:24:41,647 --> 00:24:43,180
Or I should apologize for, uh...
582
00:24:45,617 --> 00:24:47,117
For shooting my penis off?
583
00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:48,486
Yeah.
Yeah.
584
00:24:48,488 --> 00:24:51,822
Don't sweat it, brother.
I'm liberated. Totally.
585
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,064
You know they gave me a vagina?
586
00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:55,693
It's awesome. You
guys want to see it?
587
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:57,761
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
588
00:24:57,763 --> 00:24:59,930
That's fine. All right.
Eric's seen it.
589
00:24:59,932 --> 00:25:02,266
Eric's been all up in that shit.
Isn't that right, Eric?
590
00:25:02,268 --> 00:25:03,734
You guys got to get me
the fuck out of here.
591
00:25:03,736 --> 00:25:04,768
Hey, guess what.
592
00:25:04,770 --> 00:25:05,770
I'm Eric's bitch.
593
00:25:06,271 --> 00:25:07,404
No, you're not.
594
00:25:07,406 --> 00:25:09,206
Yes! I am!
595
00:25:09,774 --> 00:25:10,875
I'm your bitch.
596
00:25:12,110 --> 00:25:14,545
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, honey.
597
00:25:14,547 --> 00:25:16,914
I didn't mean that.
You know that, right?
598
00:25:16,916 --> 00:25:18,883
I am such a bitch
when aunt Flo shows up.
599
00:25:18,885 --> 00:25:21,886
It bleeds so much, it's crazy.
600
00:25:21,888 --> 00:25:24,288
It's like the elevator doors
opening in the shining.
601
00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:26,957
Your vagina doesn't
fucking work, man.
602
00:25:26,959 --> 00:25:29,627
Worked for you
last night. (CHUCKLES)
603
00:25:29,629 --> 00:25:32,963
You are so clearly forcing
Eric into this relationship.
604
00:25:32,965 --> 00:25:35,032
Eric, am I forcing you
into anything?
605
00:25:35,034 --> 00:25:37,268
Yes.
(CHUCKLES) See?
606
00:25:37,270 --> 00:25:38,669
Look, they sent us in
undercover at a college
607
00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:40,304
to find the dealer
of this new synthetic,
608
00:25:40,306 --> 00:25:42,339
and no one will
tell us anything.
609
00:25:42,341 --> 00:25:44,608
That's 'cause you guys look
like fucking narcs, all right?
610
00:25:44,610 --> 00:25:46,210
College kids
aren't dumb like Eric.
611
00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:47,845
I was supposed
to go to Berkeley.
612
00:25:47,847 --> 00:25:50,581
Well, they gave us a
picture, so we do have that.
613
00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:51,749
Well, that's your lead,
motherfucker!
614
00:25:51,751 --> 00:25:53,651
That's what you start with.
615
00:25:53,653 --> 00:25:55,619
I know, but we can't see his face,
so we don't know who it is.
616
00:25:55,621 --> 00:25:57,655
We don't know who it is.
617
00:25:57,657 --> 00:25:59,723
I'm Schmidt. My pants
are filled with doody.
618
00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:01,792
(GROANS) That's you.
619
00:26:01,794 --> 00:26:03,194
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
620
00:26:04,029 --> 00:26:05,596
You sort of sound like that.
621
00:26:05,598 --> 00:26:06,764
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
622
00:26:06,766 --> 00:26:07,831
That doesn't sound
anything like me.
623
00:26:07,833 --> 00:26:09,266
It's not not you.
624
00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:13,237
Eric! Close your eyes and tell
me who's talking right now.
625
00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:14,972
(BABBLING)
626
00:26:14,974 --> 00:26:16,974
That's Schmidt
being a little bitch.
627
00:26:16,976 --> 00:26:18,542
That's just not
a good impression.
628
00:26:18,544 --> 00:26:19,743
WALTERS: Whoa!
629
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,679
Nice job, super sleuths.
630
00:26:21,681 --> 00:26:22,980
Did you even bother to look
at the fucking picture?
631
00:26:23,481 --> 00:26:25,015
Yeah.
Huh?
632
00:26:25,017 --> 00:26:26,297
There's a reflection right here.
633
00:26:27,819 --> 00:26:29,987
Your fucking guy's got a tattoo.
634
00:26:29,989 --> 00:26:33,557
Find the tattoo,
find the dealer.
635
00:26:33,559 --> 00:26:37,728
Fuck, man, I don't know. I do a lot
of stupid tattoos to drunk kids.
636
00:26:37,730 --> 00:26:39,063
Do you remember
that stupid tattoo?
637
00:26:39,065 --> 00:26:40,931
TATTOO ARTIST: A bazooka?
638
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:44,535
Think I might have did it
on a football player.
639
00:26:44,537 --> 00:26:45,903
Guy with a red Mohawk.
I don't know.
640
00:26:45,905 --> 00:26:47,771
They all start to
look the same to me.
641
00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,607
I think I know exactly
who he's talking about.
642
00:26:50,542 --> 00:26:51,842
(GRUNTING)
643
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,378
Fuck you!
644
00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:56,981
Fuck you,
you little walk-on fuck!
645
00:26:56,983 --> 00:26:58,782
I can't, like, move around
in these things.
646
00:26:58,784 --> 00:27:00,451
ROOSTER: God,
I love walk-on day!
647
00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:01,453
(WHISPERS) Fuck, yeah.
648
00:27:04,022 --> 00:27:05,489
That's a weird time
to be q-tipping.
649
00:27:05,491 --> 00:27:08,325
You're all fucking pussies!
650
00:27:08,327 --> 00:27:10,260
Dude, you don't have to do this.
What?
651
00:27:10,262 --> 00:27:11,829
I just don't want you to get hurt.
I'm not gonna get...
652
00:27:11,831 --> 00:27:12,963
Whoops.
(GRUNTS)
653
00:27:12,965 --> 00:27:14,264
Shit. Whoa.
654
00:27:14,266 --> 00:27:15,833
Dude, I am so sorry.
655
00:27:15,835 --> 00:27:16,934
It's all right, man.
Don't worry about it, man.
656
00:27:16,936 --> 00:27:18,402
Are you sure? All right...
Yeah. Ow.
657
00:27:18,404 --> 00:27:20,471
Shit.
I got it.
658
00:27:20,473 --> 00:27:21,705
Okay, I got it, I got it.
659
00:27:21,707 --> 00:27:23,307
Ow!
That's fine.
660
00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:24,875
I'll get it. No, no, let
me get it, let me get it.
661
00:27:24,877 --> 00:27:26,276
No, I got it. Let me just get it.
No, let me get it.
662
00:27:26,278 --> 00:27:28,312
I got it, I got it.
Let's just...
663
00:27:28,314 --> 00:27:31,048
Dude, I'm sorry. I got my
q-tip in your meat, Bro.
664
00:27:31,050 --> 00:27:33,050
No, man, I got my... I got
my meat in your q-tip.
665
00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:35,319
It's like a whole
new type of sandwich.
666
00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:37,287
Like, a meat q-tip.
(CHUCKLES)
667
00:27:37,289 --> 00:27:38,289
Like a meat-qute.
668
00:27:38,757 --> 00:27:40,057
(BOTH GIGGLING)
669
00:27:40,725 --> 00:27:42,126
That's funny.
670
00:27:42,128 --> 00:27:43,728
Hey, you guys want
some of this sandwich?
671
00:27:43,729 --> 00:27:45,129
It's a meat-qute
sandwich.
672
00:27:45,131 --> 00:27:47,398
Me and this guy are having a meat-qute.
(LAUGHING)
673
00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:51,035
You're hilarious, dude.
What's your name?
674
00:27:51,037 --> 00:27:53,070
Brad. Wait...
Brad.
675
00:27:53,072 --> 00:27:54,405
Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad.
676
00:27:54,407 --> 00:27:55,839
I'm Zook. Nice to meet you.
Zook.
677
00:27:55,841 --> 00:27:57,808
Nice to meet you, too, man.
678
00:27:58,610 --> 00:27:59,810
ZOOK: Blue 20!
679
00:28:01,246 --> 00:28:02,413
Blue 20!
680
00:28:03,248 --> 00:28:04,381
Set, hut!
681
00:28:05,650 --> 00:28:07,317
♪♪♪
682
00:28:20,398 --> 00:28:21,398
(LAUGHS)
683
00:28:26,604 --> 00:28:27,604
You love walk-on day now?
684
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:29,206
(GROANS)
685
00:28:31,643 --> 00:28:33,723
Your arm all right? You want
to take that sleeve off?
686
00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,380
No, I'm good.
687
00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:40,684
Dude, holy shit, Bro.
Great fucking catch, dude.
688
00:28:40,686 --> 00:28:44,455
If you see that safety line up
that deep, though, hit me quicker.
689
00:28:44,457 --> 00:28:46,356
Oh, yeah, I didn't know you
had wheels like that, Bro.
690
00:28:46,358 --> 00:28:48,058
It's funny, 'cause
he's my brother. So...
691
00:28:48,626 --> 00:28:50,194
Um...
692
00:28:50,196 --> 00:28:53,931
Hey, uh, you know, we have
this rush party at zeta.
693
00:28:53,933 --> 00:28:56,800
But I thought, you know, you
could come by and meet the guys.
694
00:28:56,802 --> 00:28:58,302
It'd be really fun, I think.
695
00:28:58,304 --> 00:28:59,436
Great.
Yeah, maybe we will.
696
00:29:00,972 --> 00:29:02,606
Are you guys, like, together?
697
00:29:02,608 --> 00:29:04,508
Yeah.
Yeah, this is my Bro.
698
00:29:04,510 --> 00:29:07,044
(LAUGHING) That's...
Funny, dude. You're funny.
699
00:29:07,512 --> 00:29:09,012
Oh.
700
00:29:09,014 --> 00:29:10,714
Uh, really?
Wow. Um, okay.
701
00:29:10,716 --> 00:29:12,483
Yeah, man, sure.
You, too, you can come, too.
702
00:29:12,485 --> 00:29:13,917
We'll see what we can do.
703
00:29:13,919 --> 00:29:15,052
Also, I said
a bunch of stuff earlier
704
00:29:15,054 --> 00:29:16,186
that you didn't acknowledge...
705
00:29:16,188 --> 00:29:18,055
Great catch.
Cool, yeah.
706
00:29:18,057 --> 00:29:19,156
See you then. So you
won't address that?
707
00:29:19,158 --> 00:29:20,624
What the fuck's up
with that guy?
708
00:29:20,626 --> 00:29:22,526
All we have to do now is
rush the frat long enough
709
00:29:22,528 --> 00:29:25,295
to confirm that rooster
has that bazooka tattoo.
710
00:29:25,297 --> 00:29:27,364
Look, man, do you think
it's cool if you come?
711
00:29:27,366 --> 00:29:29,533
'Cause, I mean, he kind of
really just asked me.
712
00:29:29,535 --> 00:29:30,601
I just don't want to start off
713
00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:31,301
on the wrong foot with this guy.
714
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:33,637
(LAUGHS)
715
00:29:33,639 --> 00:29:36,206
Dude, you're tripping.
We do everything together.
716
00:29:36,208 --> 00:29:37,841
You should lose
the puka shells, though.
717
00:29:37,843 --> 00:29:40,210
Things are different since
you didn't go to college.
718
00:29:40,212 --> 00:29:41,678
(MUSIC PLAYING)
719
00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:43,347
Yo, Brad!
What's up, dude?
720
00:29:44,315 --> 00:29:45,716
Same puka, dude.
721
00:29:45,718 --> 00:29:47,017
You got the same...
Puka Bros.
722
00:29:47,019 --> 00:29:48,259
ZOOK: Holy shit!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
723
00:29:49,354 --> 00:29:50,454
Look at him,
it's, like, all the same.
724
00:29:50,456 --> 00:29:51,955
Dude, you wear pants, too?
725
00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:54,024
What? Bros, man.
Dude.
726
00:29:54,026 --> 00:29:55,626
I knew we were gonna be
connected, just like that.
727
00:29:55,628 --> 00:29:57,094
Yeah, why don't you guys
just tie your dicks together
728
00:29:57,096 --> 00:29:57,895
and get married, right, rooster?
729
00:29:57,897 --> 00:29:59,930
Rooster. What's up, Bro?
730
00:29:59,932 --> 00:30:01,431
You look good, man.
731
00:30:01,433 --> 00:30:02,766
What's up, rooster?
732
00:30:02,768 --> 00:30:04,434
How you doing, man?
Digging the puka.
733
00:30:04,436 --> 00:30:05,769
Thanks, dude. I can't
believe it's the same...
734
00:30:05,771 --> 00:30:07,070
How you doing, rooster?
735
00:30:07,072 --> 00:30:08,205
Rooster is getting some pop.
736
00:30:08,207 --> 00:30:09,447
Why don't you go check him out?
737
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:14,545
JENKO: You in the zone, Bro?
ZOOK: In the fucking zone, dude.
738
00:30:15,380 --> 00:30:16,380
(IMITATING EXPLOSIONS)
739
00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:20,951
Hey. What's up?
740
00:30:21,719 --> 00:30:22,920
What's up? I'm rooster.
741
00:30:22,922 --> 00:30:24,755
Oh, yeah, no.
742
00:30:24,757 --> 00:30:26,089
We've met before.
743
00:30:26,091 --> 00:30:27,524
Oh, really? I don't
remember that at all.
744
00:30:27,526 --> 00:30:29,459
You must just have
a really plain face.
745
00:30:29,461 --> 00:30:31,261
Yeah. They call me
ol' plain face.
746
00:30:31,963 --> 00:30:33,564
They call you that?
747
00:30:33,566 --> 00:30:36,600
So, do you have any body art
or, like, any ink I could see?
748
00:30:36,602 --> 00:30:38,602
That's a pretty random question.
749
00:30:38,604 --> 00:30:41,071
Hey, anyway, it was so nice
chatting with you, man.
750
00:30:41,073 --> 00:30:42,406
Nice to meet you, man.
751
00:30:42,408 --> 00:30:43,440
Yo, what the fuck, Bro?
752
00:30:43,442 --> 00:30:44,641
Yo, what the fuck
are you doing, dude?
753
00:30:44,643 --> 00:30:45,676
You serious right now? You...
754
00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:47,044
You're being weird.
755
00:30:48,379 --> 00:30:49,379
You've been weird.
756
00:30:51,082 --> 00:30:53,684
JENKO: It was just like,
what am I hearing?
757
00:30:53,686 --> 00:30:54,918
What am I hearing right now?
758
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:55,919
And the psychic told you that?
759
00:30:55,921 --> 00:30:57,521
Yo.
That is so crazy, dude.
760
00:30:57,523 --> 00:30:59,189
Hey, dude, you want to
go see the roof?
761
00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:00,557
Fuck yeah, I want to
see the roof, dude.
762
00:31:00,559 --> 00:31:02,226
Come on, let's go,
let's go. Come on.
763
00:31:02,228 --> 00:31:04,228
Come on to the roof, come
on to the roof. Let's go.
764
00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:10,234
JENKO: Come on, you can do it.
Come on, come on, come on!
765
00:31:10,236 --> 00:31:11,335
(LAUGHING)
766
00:31:13,004 --> 00:31:15,472
I miss climbing so much.
Come on, let's go. Come on.
767
00:31:15,474 --> 00:31:16,540
All right, uh...
768
00:31:21,679 --> 00:31:23,080
One more time.
769
00:31:23,082 --> 00:31:25,015
I'm just gonna go home.
770
00:31:25,017 --> 00:31:26,283
I don't know parkour, so...
771
00:31:27,452 --> 00:31:28,452
All right.
772
00:31:33,491 --> 00:31:35,025
Hey, Maya Angelou!
773
00:31:35,526 --> 00:31:36,960
(LAUGHS)
774
00:31:36,962 --> 00:31:39,496
Poetry, okay.
I got it. (CHUCKLES)
775
00:31:39,498 --> 00:31:40,658
Make fun of the poetry major.
776
00:31:42,033 --> 00:31:43,533
So, I guess you have no interest
777
00:31:43,535 --> 00:31:45,168
in having a real job
in the future.
778
00:31:45,170 --> 00:31:47,371
Absolutely not.
No, right?
779
00:31:47,373 --> 00:31:49,773
(BOTH LAUGH) What about you?
780
00:31:49,775 --> 00:31:52,142
Um, I'm an art major.
781
00:31:52,144 --> 00:31:55,245
Okay. So you definitely cannot
talk any shit, 'cause...
782
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:57,281
No, I can't. I cannot.
783
00:31:57,283 --> 00:31:58,181
...you're never gonna
make any money. (LAUGHS)
784
00:31:58,183 --> 00:32:00,183
I'm never gonna make any money,
785
00:32:00,185 --> 00:32:02,119
so don't tell my parents, but...
786
00:32:02,121 --> 00:32:03,320
When I talk to
your parents tonight,
787
00:32:03,322 --> 00:32:05,155
I will not tell them
about your major.
788
00:32:05,157 --> 00:32:06,757
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
789
00:32:06,759 --> 00:32:08,191
All right, art major.
790
00:32:09,027 --> 00:32:10,961
What do you think about that?
791
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,666
Um, I would say that
792
00:32:17,101 --> 00:32:20,070
it's these two beings
793
00:32:20,072 --> 00:32:22,940
leaning up against each
other in perfect balance.
794
00:32:22,942 --> 00:32:25,609
If one were to fall, they
would just lose each other.
795
00:32:26,577 --> 00:32:28,679
So it's just about support.
796
00:32:30,882 --> 00:32:33,483
You can't admit that it looks
exactly like testicles?
797
00:32:35,253 --> 00:32:37,120
(LAUGHING) That's exactly
what it looks like.
798
00:32:40,224 --> 00:32:42,893
So, is there someone
who supports you?
799
00:32:42,895 --> 00:32:44,394
No, I'm just one of those people
800
00:32:44,396 --> 00:32:46,563
that really likes to
spend time with myself.
801
00:32:47,665 --> 00:32:50,033
Tell me about it.
802
00:32:50,035 --> 00:32:53,370
I love to be alone. I am,
like, the best at it.
803
00:32:53,372 --> 00:32:56,373
I just love when you're
sitting there in a room,
804
00:32:56,375 --> 00:32:57,975
and you're just there
with your thoughts,
805
00:32:57,977 --> 00:33:00,043
and you're like,
oh, my gosh, I'm alone.
806
00:33:00,045 --> 00:33:01,845
Would anyone ever
love me? Or whatever.
807
00:33:01,847 --> 00:33:04,614
And, like, do I know
anyone who would care
808
00:33:04,616 --> 00:33:06,717
if I just ever came out
of this room or not?
809
00:33:06,719 --> 00:33:08,352
Or whatever and, like...
810
00:33:08,354 --> 00:33:09,519
I don't know. It's just peaceful.
I just like it.
811
00:33:09,521 --> 00:33:11,154
Yeah.
812
00:33:11,156 --> 00:33:13,090
Well, if you don't want
to be alone tonight,
813
00:33:13,092 --> 00:33:14,852
we are gonna go hang out
at the art building,
814
00:33:14,959 --> 00:33:16,526
if you want to come.
815
00:33:17,095 --> 00:33:18,562
Okay, okay.
816
00:33:19,731 --> 00:33:21,631
Okay. Okay.
817
00:33:21,633 --> 00:33:23,533
(MUSIC PLAYING)
818
00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:24,735
(CHEERING)
819
00:33:28,106 --> 00:33:30,107
I expected tonight would go in a
way that you wouldn't expect,
820
00:33:30,109 --> 00:33:31,508
but what I didn't expect
was tonight would go
821
00:33:31,510 --> 00:33:33,443
in the exact way
that you would expect.
822
00:33:33,445 --> 00:33:36,413
You know what I mean?
Totally.
823
00:33:36,415 --> 00:33:38,248
So you guys hang out here a lot?
824
00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:40,717
Yeah. I mean, we're not into the
whole frat party kind of stuff.
825
00:33:40,719 --> 00:33:42,452
We like to sit around,
just drink some good wine
826
00:33:42,454 --> 00:33:44,454
and talk about
some important stuff.
827
00:33:44,456 --> 00:33:48,558
Banging bitches and getting
wasted all fucking day.
828
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:50,660
Those are, like, two of
my favorite things to do.
829
00:33:50,662 --> 00:33:53,296
You are, like, a slightly
less attractive version of...
830
00:33:53,298 --> 00:33:54,464
Picasso?
Picasso.
831
00:33:54,466 --> 00:33:55,532
Right? I've been
told that before.
832
00:33:55,534 --> 00:33:56,534
You read my mind.
833
00:33:58,069 --> 00:33:59,102
(LAUGHING) What?
834
00:33:59,837 --> 00:34:01,038
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
835
00:34:06,677 --> 00:34:07,778
(ALL CHEERING)
836
00:34:16,521 --> 00:34:18,321
(SIGHS)
837
00:34:18,323 --> 00:34:20,257
Oh, that's
Cynthia Watson's room.
838
00:34:20,992 --> 00:34:22,526
Oh.
839
00:34:22,528 --> 00:34:26,063
It's only 2:00. I thought it was late.
Do you want to come in?
840
00:34:26,065 --> 00:34:29,332
It's only 2:00? I usually go to
dinner at, like, 2:00 A.M., so...
841
00:34:29,334 --> 00:34:30,834
Sure, yeah, why not?
842
00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:36,849
ROOSTER: I'm gonna do it. I just
got to get it at the right angle.
843
00:34:36,874 --> 00:34:38,375
(GROANS)
844
00:34:38,377 --> 00:34:40,277
Dude, stop. Rooster: Stupid fucking goalpost!
845
00:34:40,279 --> 00:34:42,712
It's impossible.
You can't fucking do it.
846
00:34:42,714 --> 00:34:44,848
The fans used to rush the field
847
00:34:44,850 --> 00:34:46,483
after every win and tear
down the goalposts,
848
00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:49,052
and coach hated it. And
so he cemented them in.
849
00:34:49,054 --> 00:34:50,454
They storm the field,
and still do it,
850
00:34:50,456 --> 00:34:52,222
but they just bounce around.
851
00:34:52,224 --> 00:34:53,557
ROOSTER: Fuck
this goalpost, Bro!
852
00:34:53,559 --> 00:34:54,858
You guys might want to hold on,
853
00:34:54,860 --> 00:34:57,427
'cause this shit is coming down.
854
00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,429
(BELLOWING)
855
00:35:01,532 --> 00:35:04,534
Yo, what is that? The tattoo,
what's that right there?
856
00:35:04,536 --> 00:35:06,069
Oh. Oh, this?
Mmm-hmm.
857
00:35:06,071 --> 00:35:09,706
It's my old high school team.
The Plainview red herrings.
858
00:35:09,708 --> 00:35:10,708
Look at it swim.
859
00:35:12,343 --> 00:35:14,678
Shit.
What?
860
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:16,580
Shit, that's a really
outside-of-the-box
861
00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:18,715
high school mascot.
862
00:35:18,916 --> 00:35:20,383
Hold on, guys.
863
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:25,755
ZOOK: Hey, why don't you
come to practice today?
864
00:35:25,757 --> 00:35:27,997
I mean, you're obviously good
enough to play on the team.
865
00:35:28,860 --> 00:35:30,760
Look, I'm not supposed to
be here to play football.
866
00:35:30,762 --> 00:35:32,462
What?
867
00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:34,464
I'm just here to
do my assignments
868
00:35:34,466 --> 00:35:36,366
and get out, that's it.
869
00:35:36,368 --> 00:35:38,768
I mean, yeah, school's
important or whatever,
870
00:35:38,770 --> 00:35:41,705
but when I was
throwing you those passes,
871
00:35:41,707 --> 00:35:44,267
it was like I knew where you were
gonna be before you went there.
872
00:35:45,209 --> 00:35:47,344
You know, I had this,
like, vision of me
873
00:35:47,346 --> 00:35:50,547
throwing bullet TDS
to you, dude,
874
00:35:50,549 --> 00:35:52,916
and then all these fans
just started going, like...
875
00:35:52,918 --> 00:35:54,317
(QUIET SCREAMING)
876
00:35:54,319 --> 00:35:56,319
Zook! Mcquaid!
Zook! Mcquaid!
877
00:35:56,321 --> 00:35:58,355
And they were
chanting and chanting,
878
00:35:58,357 --> 00:36:00,290
and then
the goalposts came down.
879
00:36:00,791 --> 00:36:02,893
Dude?
880
00:36:02,895 --> 00:36:05,829
I have had that exact vision,
like, my entire life.
881
00:36:07,098 --> 00:36:09,099
Dude.
Dude.
882
00:36:09,101 --> 00:36:10,800
Bro?
Bro.
883
00:36:10,802 --> 00:36:12,369
Dude.
Bro.
884
00:36:12,371 --> 00:36:13,371
BOTH: Dude.
885
00:36:14,705 --> 00:36:16,506
Like, well, we fucking can, Bro.
886
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:17,828
All you gotta do
is join the team.
887
00:36:21,412 --> 00:36:22,846
Yeah. Why not?
888
00:36:22,848 --> 00:36:24,281
Yes!
889
00:36:24,283 --> 00:36:26,449
Fuck yeah, dude.
Fuck yeah, dude.
890
00:36:27,318 --> 00:36:28,485
What's that?
891
00:36:28,487 --> 00:36:29,452
My tattoo.
892
00:36:29,454 --> 00:36:31,254
Yeah, fuck, look.
893
00:36:31,256 --> 00:36:34,391
Look, it's me, Zook.
894
00:36:34,393 --> 00:36:37,294
Got a fucking bazooka for an arm.
Know what I mean?
895
00:36:37,296 --> 00:36:38,461
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
896
00:36:39,163 --> 00:36:40,330
(SIGHS)
897
00:36:41,999 --> 00:36:43,466
Dude, I'm so fucking pumped
898
00:36:43,468 --> 00:36:44,868
you're gonna be on
this fucking team, Bro.
899
00:36:44,870 --> 00:36:45,902
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
900
00:36:45,904 --> 00:36:46,904
Yep.
901
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:53,677
What's up with it?
902
00:36:53,679 --> 00:36:54,778
(SNORTS)
903
00:36:54,780 --> 00:36:55,845
How you doing?
904
00:36:55,847 --> 00:36:57,214
Hi. Good.
905
00:36:57,882 --> 00:36:59,449
How was the, um...
906
00:36:59,451 --> 00:37:01,384
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
907
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:02,719
How was the sex for you?
908
00:37:02,721 --> 00:37:04,955
It was fun for me.
It was a good time.
909
00:37:06,190 --> 00:37:07,290
Yeah, right.
910
00:37:07,292 --> 00:37:08,225
I enjoyed it.
911
00:37:08,227 --> 00:37:09,426
Yeah.
912
00:37:10,595 --> 00:37:11,695
This is why I don't drink.
913
00:37:12,463 --> 00:37:13,496
Oh.
914
00:37:13,498 --> 00:37:15,298
Hey. How you doing?
915
00:37:15,300 --> 00:37:17,334
I'm fine.
916
00:37:17,336 --> 00:37:19,803
I mean, I'm not listening to you
guys fornicate all night long.
917
00:37:19,805 --> 00:37:20,904
Thrusting and pumping.
918
00:37:20,906 --> 00:37:22,606
Okay.
919
00:37:22,608 --> 00:37:24,841
I thought your hip
popped out at one point.
920
00:37:24,843 --> 00:37:26,676
I'm just saying, it's,
like, all fun and games,
921
00:37:26,678 --> 00:37:28,998
and then you wake up in bed
next to a 40-year-old freshman.
922
00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:31,414
I'm 19, so...
923
00:37:31,416 --> 00:37:34,050
Nineteen minutes late
to pinochle,
924
00:37:34,052 --> 00:37:35,652
where you're meeting your
old friends in the park?
925
00:37:35,654 --> 00:37:37,420
Yeah, that's what I meant.
926
00:37:37,422 --> 00:37:38,955
Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him.
927
00:37:38,957 --> 00:37:41,324
He's still so sharp.
That's so inspiring.
928
00:37:41,326 --> 00:37:44,060
Tell us about the war,
any one of them.
929
00:37:44,062 --> 00:37:46,496
You're, like, the loudest
climaxer I've ever heard.
930
00:37:46,498 --> 00:37:49,666
It was, like, the sound of,
like, a 30-year-old sprinkler
931
00:37:49,668 --> 00:37:52,068
finally going off
for the first time.
932
00:37:52,070 --> 00:37:56,439
Okay, well, so lovely
talking with you. (SIGHS)
933
00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:57,907
You're a lovely person.
Hmm.
934
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:00,810
Nice to meet you.
935
00:38:00,812 --> 00:38:02,812
(DOOR OPENS)
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
936
00:38:02,814 --> 00:38:04,514
She seems nice.
(DOOR CLOSES)
937
00:38:04,516 --> 00:38:05,949
She's horrible.
938
00:38:07,118 --> 00:38:08,318
God.
939
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,020
She was Cynthia's roommate,
940
00:38:10,022 --> 00:38:11,454
and I felt bad for her, so I
told her I would room with her.
941
00:38:12,056 --> 00:38:13,056
So...
942
00:38:15,493 --> 00:38:17,394
So you probably
have a bunch of stuff
943
00:38:17,396 --> 00:38:18,436
that you have to do today.
944
00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:20,297
Right?
No.
945
00:38:20,299 --> 00:38:22,532
Oh. Okay.
946
00:38:22,534 --> 00:38:23,933
Look, I just want you to know
947
00:38:23,935 --> 00:38:27,470
I'm not, like, a hit it and
quit it type of fella.
948
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:29,105
I'm, like, a hit it,
949
00:38:29,107 --> 00:38:33,176
continue to hit it both physically
and emotionally kind of guy, so...
950
00:38:33,178 --> 00:38:35,418
Hey, Doug, you're not gonna be
weird about this, are you?
951
00:38:35,980 --> 00:38:37,447
No.
952
00:38:37,449 --> 00:38:38,815
I mean, you're cool
with just hooking up?
953
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:41,818
Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I'm
glad you said something.
954
00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:43,253
'Cause I don't even know
if I like you when I'm sober.
955
00:38:43,255 --> 00:38:44,521
No, I know, and it's like,
956
00:38:44,523 --> 00:38:46,256
that doesn't even hurt,
like, at all.
957
00:38:46,258 --> 00:38:48,992
Okay, so, um...
958
00:38:48,994 --> 00:38:51,494
I'm gonna... I'm gonna split.
I'll text you later.
959
00:38:52,630 --> 00:38:55,999
Great, that was great sex.
You're good at it.
960
00:38:56,001 --> 00:38:57,400
And I'll text you, three to
five minutes or something?
961
00:38:57,402 --> 00:38:58,335
(DOOR OPENS) All right.
962
00:38:58,337 --> 00:38:59,736
♪♪♪
963
00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:19,723
what the fuck is this?
964
00:39:21,092 --> 00:39:23,226
This is bullshit.
965
00:39:23,228 --> 00:39:25,362
Are you two fucking
around at school again?
966
00:39:25,364 --> 00:39:26,830
Hey, we got to
pay for this shit.
967
00:39:26,832 --> 00:39:28,631
We need results!
No, no, no.
968
00:39:28,633 --> 00:39:31,234
Look, we are
looking aggressively
969
00:39:31,236 --> 00:39:33,103
for this very specific tattoo.
970
00:39:33,105 --> 00:39:34,704
Or the tattoo could
just be a dead end.
971
00:39:35,573 --> 00:39:37,774
What the fuck?
It's the same case!
972
00:39:38,509 --> 00:39:40,510
Do the same thing.
973
00:39:40,512 --> 00:39:42,979
Well, it's not exactly
the same case, 'cause
974
00:39:44,148 --> 00:39:45,382
one of us got laid last night.
975
00:39:46,016 --> 00:39:47,016
Schmidt?
976
00:39:47,018 --> 00:39:48,284
Shh.
977
00:39:48,286 --> 00:39:50,186
Don't wake up my dick.
978
00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:51,988
Flew in on the red-eye, hasn't
gotten a wink of sleep.
979
00:39:51,990 --> 00:39:53,289
Damn.
980
00:39:53,291 --> 00:39:54,791
We're talking missionary.
981
00:39:54,793 --> 00:39:57,327
We're talking missionary.
982
00:39:57,329 --> 00:40:00,397
We're talking when I'm on
top and she's on her back.
983
00:40:02,133 --> 00:40:04,200
She's smart, she's an art major.
984
00:40:04,202 --> 00:40:06,836
She can't be that smart.
She's a fucking art major.
985
00:40:06,838 --> 00:40:08,304
Come on.
986
00:40:08,306 --> 00:40:09,839
I will give you
some daps, Schmidt.
987
00:40:09,841 --> 00:40:10,840
Give me some
motherfucking daps, man!
988
00:40:10,842 --> 00:40:12,075
Come on, give me some.
989
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:13,910
Give me some.
Come on!
990
00:40:13,912 --> 00:40:16,813
JENKO: My human sexuality
class is blowing my mind.
991
00:40:16,815 --> 00:40:18,581
Did you know I used gay
slurs in high school?
992
00:40:18,583 --> 00:40:20,683
Yes, directed at me.
993
00:40:20,685 --> 00:40:24,020
Dude, I am so sorry
for being a homophone.
994
00:40:24,022 --> 00:40:26,356
Are we gonna talk about how weird
you were today with Dickson?
995
00:40:26,358 --> 00:40:29,192
Look, I don't think the tattoo
means what you think it means.
996
00:40:29,194 --> 00:40:31,428
I mean, for all we know, a lot of
people could have that tattoo.
997
00:40:31,430 --> 00:40:34,931
This tattoo? This
absurdly specific tattoo?
998
00:40:34,933 --> 00:40:36,293
Name one other person
who has this.
999
00:40:37,401 --> 00:40:39,602
For starters, Zook has it.
1000
00:40:39,604 --> 00:40:41,037
Zook has the tattoo?
1001
00:40:41,039 --> 00:40:46,242
What the fuck? We've been looking
for this tattoo for days!
1002
00:40:46,244 --> 00:40:47,977
Do you understand this
means Zook is the dealer?
1003
00:40:47,979 --> 00:40:49,646
I really want
you guys to hang out.
1004
00:40:49,648 --> 00:40:52,782
We have hung out. He's
completely ignored me.
1005
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:55,585
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have
to investigate your new BFF.
1006
00:40:55,587 --> 00:40:57,153
We're gonna put
cameras everywhere,
1007
00:40:57,155 --> 00:40:58,888
and we're gonna monitor the
fuck out of what he's doing.
1008
00:40:58,890 --> 00:41:00,223
We can't just walk
into zeta house
1009
00:41:00,225 --> 00:41:02,525
and just put up a bunch of
fucking cameras, okay?
1010
00:41:02,527 --> 00:41:04,260
There's dudes there everywhere.
1011
00:41:04,262 --> 00:41:06,029
All right, your plan
is stupid. I'm sorry.
1012
00:41:06,031 --> 00:41:08,498
My plan is stupid? That's interesting.
What... okay.
1013
00:41:08,500 --> 00:41:09,833
I'm, like, basically done
1014
00:41:09,835 --> 00:41:11,434
fucking watching your shit
all the fucking time.
1015
00:41:11,436 --> 00:41:12,702
Okay, yeah, exactly. I'm the
fucking stupid one. Yeah.
1016
00:41:12,704 --> 00:41:14,037
Oh, that's really
fucking stupid.
1017
00:41:14,039 --> 00:41:16,206
Man, it must be hard
being so different.
1018
00:41:16,208 --> 00:41:19,442
We're exactly the same. It makes
everything so much easier.
1019
00:41:19,444 --> 00:41:21,945
Guys, can you just
give us some space?
1020
00:41:21,947 --> 00:41:23,046
We're really trying to
figure something out,
1021
00:41:23,048 --> 00:41:24,280
and we need to focus, okay?
1022
00:41:24,282 --> 00:41:26,316
You're not gonna have
trouble focusing, man.
1023
00:41:26,318 --> 00:41:29,452
Yeah, man, those krispie
treats got mad whyphy in them.
1024
00:41:29,454 --> 00:41:31,821
KENNY: We made a batch
for the whole dorm, man.
1025
00:41:33,524 --> 00:41:36,659
I've eaten six of these.
1026
00:41:36,661 --> 00:41:38,695
KENNY: Then you're gonna be real focused.
KEITH: Be real focused.
1027
00:41:38,697 --> 00:41:40,497
In about four hours,
you're gonna be tripping.
1028
00:41:41,799 --> 00:41:43,166
You're fine. You're gonna
be all right, man.
1029
00:41:43,168 --> 00:41:44,567
Who sold you whyphy?
1030
00:41:44,569 --> 00:41:46,069
Nobody sold it to us.
1031
00:41:46,071 --> 00:41:47,937
Yeah, man, Cynthia
gave us a butt load,
1032
00:41:47,939 --> 00:41:50,306
and in exchange, we wrote
her logic paper for her.
1033
00:41:50,308 --> 00:41:51,508
All right. All right, man,
we'll see you guys later.
1034
00:41:51,510 --> 00:41:53,076
Enjoy the food.
1035
00:41:53,078 --> 00:41:54,678
Maybe this is a good thing.
(DOOR CLOSES)
1036
00:41:54,679 --> 00:41:59,148
let's use that focus to figure out
a way to get into zook's house.
1037
00:41:59,150 --> 00:42:01,150
You feel anything?
No. Do you feel anything?
1038
00:42:01,152 --> 00:42:02,872
No, but I have a super
high tolerance for...
1039
00:42:04,955 --> 00:42:05,955
(PANTING)
1040
00:42:08,292 --> 00:42:09,759
I'm so focused.
1041
00:42:09,761 --> 00:42:10,860
I'm so focused, too.
1042
00:42:14,732 --> 00:42:15,431
You don't have to
be on top of me.
1043
00:42:15,433 --> 00:42:16,733
Yes, I do.
1044
00:42:16,735 --> 00:42:18,167
Why?
Camouflage.
1045
00:42:18,169 --> 00:42:19,302
Go.
1046
00:42:22,673 --> 00:42:24,407
(CANS CLATTERING)
1047
00:42:24,409 --> 00:42:25,675
Let's go.
1048
00:42:27,278 --> 00:42:28,678
MALE STUDENT: No fucking way.
1049
00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,014
Okay, so no?
Dane? All right.
1050
00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:33,049
Out, all right.
1051
00:42:39,757 --> 00:42:40,757
Bull's-eye.
Bingo.
1052
00:42:44,828 --> 00:42:46,563
That helmet looks kind of lame.
1053
00:42:46,565 --> 00:42:48,431
You know what's not lame?
1054
00:42:48,433 --> 00:42:49,433
Safety.
1055
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:51,234
(WHIRRING)
1056
00:43:12,723 --> 00:43:13,723
What are you doing?
1057
00:43:14,224 --> 00:43:15,658
I'm cutting glass.
1058
00:43:15,660 --> 00:43:17,026
It's a laser pointer.
1059
00:43:17,028 --> 00:43:18,695
It can't cut glass.
What?
1060
00:43:22,399 --> 00:43:24,801
That's no fun at all.
1061
00:43:24,803 --> 00:43:26,269
I'm so focused.
Let's do this.
1062
00:43:26,271 --> 00:43:27,431
I'm so focused.
Let's do this.
1063
00:43:27,638 --> 00:43:29,072
(WHIRRING)
1064
00:43:39,550 --> 00:43:41,390
Give me another. I don't
have any more cameras.
1065
00:43:46,957 --> 00:43:48,917
You don't need to drill so many holes.
Yeah, okay.
1066
00:43:55,833 --> 00:43:57,934
Yeah, that one's perfect.
Okay, you can do that one.
1067
00:43:57,936 --> 00:44:00,096
I don't have any more cameras.
I've said it five times.
1068
00:44:02,206 --> 00:44:04,374
All right. Okay.
That's the last of 'em.
1069
00:44:04,376 --> 00:44:05,675
(BEEPING)
1070
00:44:05,677 --> 00:44:06,976
Time to prove that
zook's the dealer.
1071
00:44:06,978 --> 00:44:08,077
JENKO: Or not the dealer.
1072
00:44:08,079 --> 00:44:10,913
Next up is Brad mcquaid.
1073
00:44:10,915 --> 00:44:12,515
(ALL AGREEING)
Right? Yes.
1074
00:44:12,517 --> 00:44:13,950
Yes!
1075
00:44:13,952 --> 00:44:15,952
Obviously, right?
I mean, the guy's...
1076
00:44:15,954 --> 00:44:18,087
The guy's all-time.
You guys, let's be honest.
1077
00:44:18,089 --> 00:44:20,590
I mean, like, he was opening up
beer cans with his eyeballs.
1078
00:44:20,592 --> 00:44:21,624
That's so sweet of them.
1079
00:44:21,626 --> 00:44:23,493
So Brad... Brad's in.
1080
00:44:23,495 --> 00:44:24,694
Uh, Doug mcquaid.
No!
1081
00:44:25,396 --> 00:44:26,863
He's a bag of dicks!
1082
00:44:29,566 --> 00:44:31,034
He's Brad's brother.
1083
00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:33,069
He follows him
around everywhere,
1084
00:44:33,071 --> 00:44:35,571
so I doubt we get
Brad without Doug.
1085
00:44:35,573 --> 00:44:37,273
That's not true. I have
a serious girlfriend.
1086
00:44:37,275 --> 00:44:39,108
I got a bad feeling about
this guy, dude. Why? Why?
1087
00:44:39,110 --> 00:44:41,010
I was talking to him
for a second.
1088
00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:42,712
He's got a big mouth, okay?
1089
00:44:42,714 --> 00:44:44,881
I feel like he could fuck
this whole thing up for us.
1090
00:44:44,883 --> 00:44:47,350
See, you're fucking this up.
You talk way too much.
1091
00:44:47,352 --> 00:44:49,686
That guy is harmless, dude.
Look at him, he's nice.
1092
00:44:49,688 --> 00:44:51,921
ROOSTER: He looks like a
30-year-old eighth grader.
1093
00:44:51,923 --> 00:44:53,122
ZOOK: He's gonna be fine.
1094
00:44:53,124 --> 00:44:55,291
I'm just saying, the kid sucks.
1095
00:44:55,293 --> 00:44:58,261
Okay, and Brad. Brad
could be, like, our guy.
1096
00:44:58,263 --> 00:45:01,064
He could, like,
be a part of our thing.
1097
00:45:01,066 --> 00:45:02,799
Our thing?
Yeah.
1098
00:45:02,801 --> 00:45:04,500
Shh. I'm trying to hear
them be nice about me.
1099
00:45:04,502 --> 00:45:05,902
This is fucking
bullshit. Shit!
1100
00:45:08,305 --> 00:45:09,706
Shit.
1101
00:45:09,708 --> 00:45:11,207
Is somebody up there?
1102
00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:12,642
Shit. We got to get out of here.
1103
00:45:12,644 --> 00:45:13,810
Did you lock the door?
1104
00:45:13,812 --> 00:45:14,944
I did, man.
I checked twice.
1105
00:45:32,329 --> 00:45:33,329
Go, go!
1106
00:45:33,897 --> 00:45:35,298
I'm so focused, dude.
1107
00:45:38,535 --> 00:45:39,769
Shit.
1108
00:45:44,042 --> 00:45:47,710
No, you're just paranoid because
we're about to trip balls.
1109
00:45:47,712 --> 00:45:49,078
No, I'm paranoid because
it could be dangerous.
1110
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:50,012
No, we're fine.
Look, we made it.
1111
00:45:50,014 --> 00:45:51,014
We made it.
It's all good.
1112
00:45:52,349 --> 00:45:53,616
SCHMIDT: Oh, shit!
1113
00:45:53,618 --> 00:45:54,817
(SCREAMING)
1114
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:57,920
Help! Help!
1115
00:45:57,922 --> 00:45:59,055
What's happening!
1116
00:45:59,057 --> 00:46:00,189
JENKO: What the fuck?
1117
00:46:03,827 --> 00:46:06,429
JENKO: (PANTING)
I can't breathe.
1118
00:46:07,564 --> 00:46:09,499
They made us!
1119
00:46:09,501 --> 00:46:11,167
They're gonna kill us!
1120
00:46:13,270 --> 00:46:14,837
Jenko!
1121
00:46:14,839 --> 00:46:16,372
Where are you going?
1122
00:46:21,178 --> 00:46:24,080
Oh, fuck! I'm having a bad trip!
We're having a bad trip!
1123
00:46:24,082 --> 00:46:26,015
I think we are tripping, but...
1124
00:46:26,017 --> 00:46:27,483
God, isn't this great?
1125
00:46:27,485 --> 00:46:29,385
My side's so much
scarier than yours.
1126
00:46:29,387 --> 00:46:31,554
Oh, shit, your trip sucks.
1127
00:46:31,556 --> 00:46:33,189
You should come over here.
It's way better.
1128
00:46:33,191 --> 00:46:34,290
Okay.
1129
00:46:35,893 --> 00:46:37,627
(THUD)
(GROANS)
1130
00:46:37,629 --> 00:46:39,462
It's some kind of
weird split screen!
1131
00:46:39,464 --> 00:46:40,963
(LAUGHING)
1132
00:46:40,965 --> 00:46:42,398
Hello, football.
1133
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:45,935
Jenko! Jenko!
1134
00:46:45,937 --> 00:46:47,804
I finally got my lambo!
1135
00:46:48,305 --> 00:46:50,506
Hey, Schmidt, look!
1136
00:46:50,508 --> 00:46:51,541
Look! Look!
(LAUGHING)
1137
00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:53,609
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1138
00:46:53,611 --> 00:46:55,077
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
1139
00:46:56,313 --> 00:46:58,581
(SOMBER ROCK BALLAD PLAYING)
1140
00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:04,520
My legs are tired.
1141
00:47:08,258 --> 00:47:09,992
Help! No more music!
1142
00:47:10,894 --> 00:47:12,228
You'll always be alone.
1143
00:47:12,230 --> 00:47:13,696
(SCREAMS)
1144
00:47:13,698 --> 00:47:14,797
Hey, jenko.
What?
1145
00:47:14,799 --> 00:47:16,365
Where are you going?
1146
00:47:16,367 --> 00:47:17,466
I'm just gonna go up
for a little while, okay?
1147
00:47:17,468 --> 00:47:18,768
Stay, stay here.
1148
00:47:18,770 --> 00:47:20,570
No, I don't want to stay here.
I'm flying. This is amazing.
1149
00:47:20,572 --> 00:47:22,305
No. God. Don't go!
1150
00:47:22,307 --> 00:47:23,372
Oh, my God.
1151
00:47:23,374 --> 00:47:24,640
No!
1152
00:47:24,642 --> 00:47:26,609
Stay here!
No, no, stop it.
1153
00:47:26,611 --> 00:47:29,245
You're dragging me down!
Why would you drag me down?
1154
00:47:29,247 --> 00:47:30,247
Please stay!
I'm flying.
1155
00:47:31,281 --> 00:47:32,648
Stay!
1156
00:47:32,650 --> 00:47:34,183
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1157
00:47:35,786 --> 00:47:37,687
Wake up! Get out of the car!
Shit.
1158
00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:39,555
Get out of the car!
Get on the ground!
1159
00:47:39,557 --> 00:47:40,756
On your fucking knees!
1160
00:47:40,758 --> 00:47:42,291
Get on your knees!
1161
00:47:42,293 --> 00:47:44,327
You already know, don't you?
What?
1162
00:47:44,329 --> 00:47:45,161
Do you have anything to say?
1163
00:47:45,163 --> 00:47:46,796
Please don't kill us.
1164
00:47:46,798 --> 00:47:48,831
If you don't have
anything to fucking say,
1165
00:47:48,833 --> 00:47:50,933
open your fucking mouth.
1166
00:47:56,506 --> 00:47:57,740
What the fuck?
1167
00:47:57,742 --> 00:47:59,175
Is that vodka?
1168
00:47:59,177 --> 00:48:01,811
Welcome to zeta, pledges!
(LAUGHING)
1169
00:48:01,813 --> 00:48:03,346
Yeah, buddy!
1170
00:48:05,415 --> 00:48:11,087
Pledges, tonight, we separate
the weak from the strong.
1171
00:48:12,856 --> 00:48:15,658
If you don't make it
through tonight,
1172
00:48:15,660 --> 00:48:17,393
you're dead to all of us.
1173
00:48:18,195 --> 00:48:19,228
Rooster,
1174
00:48:19,796 --> 00:48:21,297
light the torch!
1175
00:48:22,466 --> 00:48:23,633
For zeta!
1176
00:48:25,702 --> 00:48:26,702
(ALL CHEERING)
1177
00:48:29,006 --> 00:48:31,607
ALL: (CHANTING) Drink, motherfucker!
Drink, motherfucker!
1178
00:48:31,609 --> 00:48:33,643
Drink, motherfucker!
Drink, motherfucker!
1179
00:48:39,783 --> 00:48:41,817
Look, whatever happens tonight,
you have to keep up, okay?
1180
00:48:41,819 --> 00:48:43,219
I'm gonna throw up.
1181
00:48:43,221 --> 00:48:44,487
I know. Shut up. Go.
1182
00:48:45,389 --> 00:48:46,923
ZOOK: Ready? Go!
1183
00:48:46,925 --> 00:48:49,125
Here we go, here we go.
1184
00:48:49,127 --> 00:48:51,427
One, two, three, four, five...
1185
00:48:51,429 --> 00:48:53,829
I can't do it anymore!
I can't do it anymore!
1186
00:48:53,831 --> 00:48:55,031
Twenty's the record!
1187
00:48:55,033 --> 00:48:57,099
Thirty-three, 34...
(GROANING)
1188
00:48:57,668 --> 00:48:58,868
...67...
1189
00:48:58,870 --> 00:49:00,569
(ALL CHEERING)
1190
00:49:36,073 --> 00:49:37,206
You can do this,
you can do this.
1191
00:49:37,208 --> 00:49:38,307
I can't.
This is disgusting.
1192
00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:39,475
No, you got to.
I can't do this anymore!
1193
00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:41,544
And now, for my favorite event.
(SQUEALING)
1194
00:49:43,013 --> 00:49:44,046
Fuck this.
I'm not doing this.
1195
00:49:44,048 --> 00:49:45,181
I'm not doing it.
What are... no!
1196
00:49:45,183 --> 00:49:47,216
I'm not doing this,
okay? All right?
1197
00:49:51,989 --> 00:49:53,289
Hey!
1198
00:49:53,291 --> 00:49:55,091
Schmidt!
What the fuck, man?
1199
00:49:55,093 --> 00:49:57,493
What is your problem? You said
you wanted to stick together.
1200
00:49:57,495 --> 00:50:00,262
This is what we have to do
to win their trust.
1201
00:50:00,264 --> 00:50:02,765
This is supposed to be fun. It's
just drinking and bonding games.
1202
00:50:02,767 --> 00:50:04,367
It's fun.
1203
00:50:04,369 --> 00:50:05,849
It's fun for you.
It's not fun for me.
1204
00:50:07,137 --> 00:50:09,338
I don't know.
Maybe we should just...
1205
00:50:11,141 --> 00:50:14,010
Maybe we should just
investigate different people.
1206
00:50:15,779 --> 00:50:18,447
Did you really just say that?
1207
00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:20,383
Did you really just say that you
want to investigate other people?
1208
00:50:20,385 --> 00:50:21,751
That's what you want?
1209
00:50:21,753 --> 00:50:23,652
I don't know, maybe.
1210
00:50:23,654 --> 00:50:26,355
Maybe we should just...
We should just branch out.
1211
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:28,224
Okay, just sow
our oats a little.
1212
00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:30,393
Sow our cop oats.
1213
00:50:30,395 --> 00:50:32,061
Look, I have an in with Zook.
1214
00:50:32,063 --> 00:50:33,996
We have a thing
and it's good, and...
1215
00:50:33,998 --> 00:50:36,399
I don't know, maybe I should
just stay closer to him.
1216
00:50:36,401 --> 00:50:38,300
And you should do your thing
1217
00:50:38,302 --> 00:50:40,603
with your connections
and channels
1218
00:50:41,405 --> 00:50:42,938
with Cynthia's roommate.
1219
00:50:42,940 --> 00:50:45,074
You should see if she knows
who sold her drugs.
1220
00:50:45,776 --> 00:50:47,510
I just...
I just don't...
1221
00:50:49,079 --> 00:50:52,448
I don't like the idea
of us doing stuff separately.
1222
00:50:52,450 --> 00:50:54,517
No, look, we can
still investigate
1223
00:50:55,118 --> 00:50:57,219
together.
1224
00:50:57,221 --> 00:51:00,656
It's just, you know,
now it'll be an open thing.
1225
00:51:02,159 --> 00:51:03,893
You want an open investigation?
1226
00:51:03,895 --> 00:51:06,328
I don't know if
that's what I want.
1227
00:51:06,330 --> 00:51:09,498
All right? I just think it's healthy
right now for us to try it.
1228
00:51:12,169 --> 00:51:13,269
Okay.
1229
00:51:14,104 --> 00:51:17,039
Yeah?
Sure.
1230
00:51:17,041 --> 00:51:18,961
Okay, so I guess I'll just
catch you later, then.
1231
00:51:23,447 --> 00:51:25,481
You okay?
1232
00:51:25,483 --> 00:51:27,450
No, you can't hug me right now.
1233
00:51:27,452 --> 00:51:29,051
Do you need money
for a cab or anything?
1234
00:51:29,053 --> 00:51:31,587
No, I don't need money
for a cab.
1235
00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:33,589
Okay.
1236
00:51:42,699 --> 00:51:45,201
I don't know where
the fuck I am right now.
1237
00:51:50,140 --> 00:51:51,507
Hey, Lauren.
1238
00:51:52,843 --> 00:51:56,846
I just want to get in bed
and watch friends all day.
1239
00:51:56,848 --> 00:52:00,850
ANNOUNCER: Let's hear it for your
metropolitan city state statesmen!
1240
00:52:00,852 --> 00:52:02,351
(ALL CHEERING)
1241
00:52:02,353 --> 00:52:04,253
BOB: And the statesmen
take the field
1242
00:52:04,255 --> 00:52:07,323
for the opening game against the
university of college generals.
1243
00:52:07,824 --> 00:52:09,058
MAN: Ready?
1244
00:52:09,060 --> 00:52:10,493
JIM: And a surprise
start today
1245
00:52:10,495 --> 00:52:12,761
for walk-on freshman
Brad mcquaid.
1246
00:52:12,763 --> 00:52:14,163
BOB: Looks pretty old
to be a freshman.
1247
00:52:14,165 --> 00:52:15,064
It's the hormones
in the milk, Bob.
1248
00:52:15,066 --> 00:52:16,565
Ready? Set, hut!
1249
00:52:18,235 --> 00:52:19,635
BOB: Haythe drops back.
1250
00:52:21,238 --> 00:52:22,204
And connects with mcquaid!
1251
00:52:22,206 --> 00:52:24,507
(GRUNTS)
1252
00:52:24,509 --> 00:52:27,877
Who beats safety will Glock like an egg
white in my famous meringue recipe.
1253
00:52:30,847 --> 00:52:32,414
Holy shit, he's good.
1254
00:52:32,416 --> 00:52:35,651
None of you tell mcquaid
that he's good, all right?
1255
00:52:35,653 --> 00:52:38,821
If you do, he'll leave
this shitty program.
1256
00:52:38,823 --> 00:52:41,724
BOB: And as the clock ticks down,
we've got time for one last play.
1257
00:52:45,562 --> 00:52:49,098
Another perfect hookup
between haythe and mcquaid.
1258
00:52:49,100 --> 00:52:51,367
JIM: Even their end zone
celebration is in perfect sync.
1259
00:52:51,369 --> 00:52:53,769
It's like these two
share a single brain, Bob.
1260
00:52:53,771 --> 00:52:56,305
That's right, Jim. They
both have one half a brain.
1261
00:52:56,307 --> 00:52:57,706
And the crowd rushes the field
1262
00:52:57,708 --> 00:52:59,375
to try and knock down
a goalpost.
1263
00:52:59,377 --> 00:53:00,509
It's not coming down!
1264
00:53:01,711 --> 00:53:03,112
(ALL CHEERING)
1265
00:53:03,114 --> 00:53:04,446
BOB: (CHUCKLING)
Good luck, guys.
1266
00:53:04,448 --> 00:53:06,715
JIM: Looks like mc state's
got a new power couple.
1267
00:53:06,717 --> 00:53:08,184
Zook and mcquaid!
1268
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,454
I got to get around you, man.
1269
00:53:12,456 --> 00:53:14,857
I can't jump up.
I got a broken ankle.
1270
00:53:17,827 --> 00:53:19,428
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1271
00:53:19,930 --> 00:53:20,930
Yeah!
1272
00:53:22,098 --> 00:53:24,466
BOTH: Fuck yes!
1273
00:53:24,468 --> 00:53:25,968
Yeah!
One more!
1274
00:53:28,104 --> 00:53:29,144
(CELL PHONE BUZZING) Shit.
1275
00:53:31,508 --> 00:53:32,641
(SIGHS) Who is that?
1276
00:53:32,643 --> 00:53:33,643
Nothing.
All right, ready?
1277
00:53:34,978 --> 00:53:36,245
ZOOK: Come on!
1278
00:53:36,247 --> 00:53:37,479
Focus!
1279
00:53:39,783 --> 00:53:41,250
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1280
00:53:47,090 --> 00:53:48,724
Come on!
Do it!
1281
00:53:48,726 --> 00:53:50,226
Fuck you, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
1282
00:53:50,228 --> 00:53:51,794
I'm so jammed!
Fuck you!
1283
00:53:51,796 --> 00:53:53,729
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) There's a
sock on the door! Don't come in!
1284
00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:55,164
Fuck, yeah!
1285
00:53:55,166 --> 00:53:56,665
I'm having sex
with a human woman.
1286
00:53:56,667 --> 00:53:58,267
My God! Fuck!
1287
00:54:03,373 --> 00:54:04,807
Hey!
Look at you!
1288
00:54:04,809 --> 00:54:05,975
What are you guys doing here?
1289
00:54:05,977 --> 00:54:07,977
What? Are you kidding?
It's parents weekend.
1290
00:54:07,979 --> 00:54:09,545
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
1291
00:54:09,547 --> 00:54:12,014
Wonderful.
You're dating someone.
1292
00:54:12,016 --> 00:54:15,050
Thanks, mom. Listen,
we're undercover, okay?
1293
00:54:15,052 --> 00:54:16,052
Thank you.
No problem.
1294
00:54:16,987 --> 00:54:17,987
Doug!
1295
00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:19,755
Maya!
1296
00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:20,757
Hey.
Hi.
1297
00:54:21,391 --> 00:54:22,625
These are my parents.
1298
00:54:22,627 --> 00:54:24,593
So this is the girl?
1299
00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:26,729
Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your new
mother-in-law. (LAUGHS)
1300
00:54:28,498 --> 00:54:30,099
Nice to meet you.
Worst thing to say.
1301
00:54:30,101 --> 00:54:31,400
Hi.
Hey. David.
1302
00:54:31,402 --> 00:54:32,402
My dad.
Nice to meet you.
1303
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,536
Well, my parents are here, too.
1304
00:54:34,538 --> 00:54:36,739
DICKSON: Maya, hurry up!
1305
00:54:36,741 --> 00:54:39,008
Your mama done
found a table she want.
1306
00:54:45,982 --> 00:54:47,750
How do you know this person?
1307
00:54:47,752 --> 00:54:50,352
Dad, this is Doug,
a guy that I'm dating.
1308
00:54:50,354 --> 00:54:52,588
The fuck?
I...
1309
00:54:52,590 --> 00:54:54,723
How's your classes going, Doug?
1310
00:54:54,725 --> 00:54:57,459
You... we were just in
the neighborhood, and...
1311
00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,560
I have an idea. Why don't
we all sit together?
1312
00:54:58,562 --> 00:54:59,895
Would that be fun?
1313
00:54:59,897 --> 00:55:01,063
Yes, thank you.
1314
00:55:02,098 --> 00:55:03,699
(MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY)
1315
00:55:15,879 --> 00:55:17,279
So...
1316
00:55:17,281 --> 00:55:18,847
Do you like weather?
1317
00:55:20,417 --> 00:55:22,217
You two know each other?
1318
00:55:22,219 --> 00:55:23,686
No.
1319
00:55:23,688 --> 00:55:25,521
This is crazy, all these, uh,
1320
00:55:26,790 --> 00:55:28,791
students and parents.
1321
00:55:30,093 --> 00:55:31,093
Potential witnesses.
1322
00:55:32,395 --> 00:55:33,595
How did you two meet?
1323
00:55:33,597 --> 00:55:35,698
Oh, I love
meet-cute stories.
1324
00:55:35,700 --> 00:55:37,666
We met at a poetry slam,
1325
00:55:37,668 --> 00:55:39,868
and then he stalked me
back to my dorm room.
1326
00:55:39,870 --> 00:55:42,004
Stalked her?
Oh, that's so beautiful.
1327
00:55:42,006 --> 00:55:43,305
Then what happened?
1328
00:55:43,307 --> 00:55:45,407
And then we hung out
and we watched a movie.
1329
00:55:46,376 --> 00:55:49,011
Actually, we watched
it a couple times.
1330
00:55:50,547 --> 00:55:52,548
This is bullshit!
1331
00:55:52,550 --> 00:55:54,283
This fucking... waiter!
1332
00:55:54,285 --> 00:55:56,885
What can a black man do to
get some water around here?
1333
00:55:56,887 --> 00:55:58,487
Give the fucking guy some water!
1334
00:55:58,489 --> 00:56:00,489
He's black!
He's been through a lot!
1335
00:56:00,491 --> 00:56:03,459
For the sake of your daughter,
please keep it together.
1336
00:56:03,461 --> 00:56:05,621
I'm gonna need a motherfucking
crepe before I go crazy.
1337
00:56:06,196 --> 00:56:08,530
I'll be right back.
1338
00:56:08,532 --> 00:56:11,633
So, where are you
from originally?
1339
00:56:11,635 --> 00:56:12,768
I'm straight outta Compton,
1340
00:56:14,371 --> 00:56:16,338
but my husband's
from northridge.
1341
00:56:16,340 --> 00:56:18,073
Come on, man, hook me up.
1342
00:56:20,310 --> 00:56:22,378
What the fuck y'all doing?
Y'all rationing around here?
1343
00:56:22,380 --> 00:56:24,213
Come on, hook me up. Two
little fucking string beans?
1344
00:56:24,215 --> 00:56:26,582
Give me the goddamn
string beans.
1345
00:56:26,584 --> 00:56:28,450
I want some
fucking deviled eggs.
1346
00:56:28,452 --> 00:56:29,818
I like fruit.
Don't you like fruit?
1347
00:56:30,353 --> 00:56:31,820
I like fruit.
1348
00:56:31,822 --> 00:56:33,989
But this pork shit?
Got to go!
1349
00:56:33,991 --> 00:56:35,424
He's really taking it out
on the omelet bar.
1350
00:56:35,426 --> 00:56:36,859
Shit was nasty!
1351
00:56:36,861 --> 00:56:38,594
He's under a lot
of pressure at work.
1352
00:56:38,596 --> 00:56:40,429
What's up, playa? Want
to go to the movies?
1353
00:56:40,431 --> 00:56:43,332
I'll break your motherfucking legs!
Break your legs!
1354
00:56:43,334 --> 00:56:44,700
(CLATTERING)
1355
00:56:44,702 --> 00:56:46,335
What?
1356
00:56:46,337 --> 00:56:48,670
How you doing, Mr. nice plant?
Get your fucking ass in there.
1357
00:56:48,672 --> 00:56:49,972
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
1358
00:56:51,875 --> 00:56:53,475
(ALL CHEERING)
1359
00:56:56,646 --> 00:56:58,080
Hey, you want another beer?
I'm gonna get another beer.
1360
00:56:58,082 --> 00:56:59,882
Yeah, yeah, I'll do another.
1361
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:18,133
Hey, look, man,
1362
00:57:18,135 --> 00:57:19,668
you know you can
always tell me something
1363
00:57:19,670 --> 00:57:21,036
if you want to get
it off your chest.
1364
00:57:21,038 --> 00:57:22,598
You know I'm always
here for you, right?
1365
00:57:24,374 --> 00:57:25,374
What are you trying to say?
1366
00:57:25,376 --> 00:57:26,475
No, nothing.
1367
00:57:29,779 --> 00:57:32,347
All right, with everything
that happened
1368
00:57:32,349 --> 00:57:33,649
with Cynthia and whyphy,
1369
00:57:35,518 --> 00:57:36,838
I just don't want you
to screw up.
1370
00:57:37,654 --> 00:57:40,322
You don't think I know
what I'm doing?
1371
00:57:40,324 --> 00:57:42,057
What? I know exactly
what I'm doing here.
1372
00:57:44,794 --> 00:57:46,328
I'm gonna tell you
something, all right?
1373
00:57:46,330 --> 00:57:47,796
Can I trust you?
Yeah, of course.
1374
00:57:53,203 --> 00:57:56,638
I have a friend who
knows a guy at UMC.
1375
00:57:57,407 --> 00:57:59,374
He's a scout. It's D1.
1376
00:57:59,376 --> 00:58:01,043
Their QB, he's not playing well.
1377
00:58:01,045 --> 00:58:02,044
They're not happy
with the situation.
1378
00:58:02,046 --> 00:58:03,412
They want me to make a tape.
1379
00:58:03,414 --> 00:58:05,747
And I want you to
be on it with me.
1380
00:58:09,619 --> 00:58:11,687
(STAMMERING) Nothing else?
1381
00:58:11,689 --> 00:58:13,555
They had five guys in
the draft last year.
1382
00:58:13,557 --> 00:58:14,823
I mean, Brad,
this could be our shot.
1383
00:58:14,825 --> 00:58:16,859
We're like the dynamic duo, Bro.
1384
00:58:16,861 --> 00:58:19,294
We're like Batman and Robin.
1385
00:58:19,296 --> 00:58:21,196
But we're both Batman.
1386
00:58:21,198 --> 00:58:23,365
What do you want to be,
like, a stockbroker?
1387
00:58:23,367 --> 00:58:24,900
Or a cop?
1388
00:58:24,902 --> 00:58:26,768
Dude, your ceiling is, like,
1389
00:58:27,704 --> 00:58:29,171
so high.
1390
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:34,009
You can just bust right...
1391
00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:36,144
Just break right through it.
Right through it.
1392
00:58:36,146 --> 00:58:38,914
Right through it.
Right through it.
1393
00:58:38,916 --> 00:58:40,883
You really think
I could make it at umc?
1394
00:58:40,885 --> 00:58:44,219
Dude, you could make it
into the hall of fame.
1395
00:58:44,221 --> 00:58:46,121
No, dude, come on, that's you.
1396
00:58:46,123 --> 00:58:48,590
You're gonna be in, like, the
anals of football history.
1397
00:58:48,592 --> 00:58:51,159
Dude, you could make it into the
anals of football history, too.
1398
00:58:52,195 --> 00:58:55,697
We're gonna have to
tear those anals up.
1399
00:58:55,699 --> 00:58:57,266
All right. We're gonna
fucking tear it up.
1400
00:58:57,268 --> 00:58:58,548
I mean, it's just a tape, right?
1401
00:58:59,435 --> 00:59:00,769
I fucking hate my dad so much.
1402
00:59:00,771 --> 00:59:02,170
Do you have any idea
1403
00:59:02,172 --> 00:59:03,405
what it's like to
have a guy like that
1404
00:59:03,407 --> 00:59:05,140
telling you what to do all the time?
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
1405
00:59:05,142 --> 00:59:06,575
I can only imagine.
1406
00:59:06,577 --> 00:59:09,978
I just don't understand what his
problem is with you specifically.
1407
00:59:09,980 --> 00:59:12,814
(SIGHS) I don't... Jesus.
That makes no sense to me.
1408
00:59:12,816 --> 00:59:13,916
I mean, you are
a perfectly good guy.
1409
00:59:13,918 --> 00:59:15,017
You're very honest and nice.
1410
00:59:15,019 --> 00:59:17,619
Why does my dad
have your phone number?
1411
00:59:17,621 --> 00:59:20,188
I don't know. Maybe the school
directory or something.
1412
00:59:20,190 --> 00:59:21,557
Let's do something...
1413
00:59:21,559 --> 00:59:22,424
Let's do something
that would distract us.
1414
00:59:22,426 --> 00:59:24,059
Okay.
1415
00:59:24,061 --> 00:59:26,128
So we don't have to think
about him anymore.
1416
00:59:26,130 --> 00:59:27,729
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
1417
00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:28,971
All right. Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
1418
00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:30,599
Maya.
1419
00:59:32,669 --> 00:59:34,002
Is it okay if we just talk?
1420
00:59:36,205 --> 00:59:37,205
Okay.
1421
00:59:37,473 --> 00:59:39,508
Let's talk.
1422
00:59:39,510 --> 00:59:41,276
No way.
Yeah.
1423
00:59:41,278 --> 00:59:43,278
I was Peter Pan, but
then I was, like, late.
1424
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:45,000
You're really close
with your brother, then.
1425
00:59:45,515 --> 00:59:47,049
It seems like.
Yeah.
1426
00:59:47,850 --> 00:59:49,284
Yeah, you know...
1427
00:59:49,286 --> 00:59:50,319
(LAUGHING)
1428
00:59:53,122 --> 00:59:54,823
You're a fucking genius, dude.
1429
00:59:54,825 --> 00:59:56,505
Are you sure it's not
too much, though? No!
1430
00:59:57,594 --> 00:59:59,595
Yeah!
Fuck, yeah!
1431
00:59:59,597 --> 01:00:01,897
All right? All right?
Yeah. Yeah.
1432
01:00:01,899 --> 01:00:03,332
All night, Bro. Come on. All night.
Yeah, I know.
1433
01:00:03,334 --> 01:00:04,800
It's gonna be so worth it, dude.
1434
01:00:04,802 --> 01:00:06,268
It's gonna be fucking worth
it, I promise, all right?
1435
01:00:06,270 --> 01:00:07,736
Dude, you know what this needs?
1436
01:00:07,738 --> 01:00:09,504
BOTH: Another star wipe.
1437
01:00:09,506 --> 01:00:11,540
Jinx. Buy me a beer.
(CHUCKLING)
1438
01:00:11,542 --> 01:00:12,641
Nice twist.
1439
01:00:12,643 --> 01:00:13,742
On what?
1440
01:00:15,511 --> 01:00:17,312
MAYA: I can't believe we've
been talking all night.
1441
01:00:17,314 --> 01:00:21,316
Oh, my God, it's 8:00.
I have class, actually.
1442
01:00:21,318 --> 01:00:23,418
Okay.
I...
1443
01:00:23,420 --> 01:00:26,288
Yeah, you can help yourself
to whatever you need, and...
1444
01:00:26,290 --> 01:00:27,623
All right.
1445
01:00:27,625 --> 01:00:29,524
Yeah, I'm so sorry,
this... (CHUCKLES)
1446
01:00:29,526 --> 01:00:30,993
I'll see you.
1447
01:00:30,995 --> 01:00:32,027
I'll see you later.
1448
01:00:32,029 --> 01:00:33,762
Okay.
Best night ever.
1449
01:00:33,764 --> 01:00:35,197
Okay. Bye.
1450
01:00:37,333 --> 01:00:38,367
Bye.
1451
01:00:39,435 --> 01:00:40,435
(CLEARS THROAT)
1452
01:00:42,839 --> 01:00:44,806
How long have you been there?
1453
01:00:44,808 --> 01:00:47,275
Like, the longest amount of time
you could think of right now.
1454
01:00:47,277 --> 01:00:48,677
This stuff wasn't meant for you.
1455
01:00:48,679 --> 01:00:50,245
It was meant to be private.
1456
01:00:50,247 --> 01:00:52,781
So, am I supposed to just
sit here and not act like
1457
01:00:52,783 --> 01:00:55,017
I hear every one
of your problems?
1458
01:00:55,019 --> 01:00:58,387
You got 99 problems,
but being young isn't one.
1459
01:00:58,389 --> 01:01:01,757
You're just jealous because Maya
and I have a real connection.
1460
01:01:01,759 --> 01:01:03,258
I'm pretty close
with my grandpa, too.
1461
01:01:04,961 --> 01:01:06,461
You're more messed up
than Cynthia was,
1462
01:01:06,463 --> 01:01:08,697
and she went to the school
shrink three times a week.
1463
01:01:08,699 --> 01:01:10,866
Why?
I don't know.
1464
01:01:10,868 --> 01:01:12,701
But he gave her a ton
of pills and shit.
1465
01:01:12,703 --> 01:01:15,103
Maybe he could give you something
for your weird old face.
1466
01:01:15,105 --> 01:01:16,105
Okay.
1467
01:01:19,909 --> 01:01:22,444
Hey.
You're late.
1468
01:01:22,446 --> 01:01:25,247
No, actually, I was busy
with the investigation.
1469
01:01:26,983 --> 01:01:30,185
This is Cynthia's therapist's office.
This is our investigation.
1470
01:01:31,721 --> 01:01:32,721
(WHISPERING) All right.
1471
01:01:40,263 --> 01:01:42,064
Watch the door.
1472
01:01:42,066 --> 01:01:45,300
Oh, is that all I'm good for?
Just watching a fucking door?
1473
01:01:45,302 --> 01:01:46,368
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
1474
01:01:47,637 --> 01:01:48,837
Got it.
1475
01:01:50,440 --> 01:01:52,908
Patient exhibits
drug-induced paranoia.
1476
01:01:52,910 --> 01:01:55,343
Believes her life is in danger.
1477
01:01:55,345 --> 01:01:56,345
Uh, door, door.
1478
01:01:58,414 --> 01:02:00,415
Hey.
1479
01:02:00,417 --> 01:02:02,851
I wasn't told that I had
a 9:00 A.M. session.
1480
01:02:02,853 --> 01:02:04,720
Yeah, no, we're your 9:00 A.M.
that's us.
1481
01:02:04,722 --> 01:02:07,322
And we're cured.
1482
01:02:07,324 --> 01:02:09,958
Thank you very much.
You're an amazing doctor.
1483
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:11,727
Please. You think
you're the first partners
1484
01:02:11,729 --> 01:02:16,565
only to try to run when you're
first faced with talking with me?
1485
01:02:16,567 --> 01:02:17,999
How the fuck did you know
we were partners?
1486
01:02:18,001 --> 01:02:19,768
He doesn't know we're partners.
1487
01:02:19,770 --> 01:02:21,503
(WHISPERING) I suspect
you're partners.
1488
01:02:21,505 --> 01:02:24,172
A relationship is something
that requires constant work.
1489
01:02:24,174 --> 01:02:25,674
Which is what I thought
we learned in high school.
1490
01:02:25,676 --> 01:02:27,642
So you are
high school sweethearts.
1491
01:02:27,644 --> 01:02:28,844
I picked up on that early.
1492
01:02:28,846 --> 01:02:30,046
Please, continue the dialogue.
1493
01:02:30,513 --> 01:02:31,513
Doc.
1494
01:02:32,982 --> 01:02:34,516
I just feel like sometimes
1495
01:02:34,518 --> 01:02:36,017
he's not even trying anymore.
1496
01:02:36,019 --> 01:02:38,386
Like this isn't
even worth saving.
1497
01:02:38,388 --> 01:02:39,721
JENKO: Oh, okay. Well,
sometimes I feel like
1498
01:02:39,723 --> 01:02:41,356
that we should be
more like the yangs.
1499
01:02:41,358 --> 01:02:43,058
Or maybe I should be more
like your beautiful zook.
1500
01:02:43,060 --> 01:02:44,626
Oh, go fuck yourself!
You go fuck yourself.
1501
01:02:44,628 --> 01:02:46,628
Okay.
You're so selfish.
1502
01:02:46,630 --> 01:02:48,497
All right. That's a lot of fucking.
Oh, my God.
1503
01:02:48,499 --> 01:02:52,200
Sometimes I like to have the
participants make physical contact.
1504
01:02:52,202 --> 01:02:53,602
Why don't you hold hands?
1505
01:02:53,604 --> 01:02:55,003
Okay.
I'm not doing that.
1506
01:02:55,005 --> 01:02:56,872
Hmm?
Do you see?
1507
01:02:56,874 --> 01:02:58,039
Reach out your hand.
1508
01:02:58,041 --> 01:02:59,541
I'm...
1509
01:02:59,543 --> 01:03:01,343
He's literally
reaching out for you.
1510
01:03:01,345 --> 01:03:02,444
He won't hold my hand.
1511
01:03:02,446 --> 01:03:03,612
JENKO: I'm not doing it.
1512
01:03:03,614 --> 01:03:05,013
I kind of need you to do it.
1513
01:03:05,015 --> 01:03:06,848
He won't hold my hand.
Oh, you...
1514
01:03:06,850 --> 01:03:08,316
You got to interlock it, though.
1515
01:03:08,318 --> 01:03:09,684
If you don't interlock it,
it's not hand-holding.
1516
01:03:09,686 --> 01:03:11,253
Fine.
1517
01:03:11,255 --> 01:03:12,420
We might as well just be friends
1518
01:03:12,422 --> 01:03:13,455
and not partners.
1519
01:03:13,457 --> 01:03:14,457
Nice, right?
1520
01:03:15,291 --> 01:03:17,392
Okay, you see this?
This is strong.
1521
01:03:17,394 --> 01:03:19,628
What I want to be
able to have is this.
1522
01:03:19,630 --> 01:03:22,297
Is this...
1523
01:03:22,299 --> 01:03:26,101
I want to be able to have that,
that same thing, in, like
1524
01:03:26,103 --> 01:03:28,270
without actually
having to do it.
1525
01:03:28,272 --> 01:03:29,471
Are you embarrassed
of your partner?
1526
01:03:29,473 --> 01:03:30,906
No, not at all. Okay?
1527
01:03:30,908 --> 01:03:32,674
And why the fuck are you
guys ganging up on me?
1528
01:03:32,676 --> 01:03:33,875
Gang up on him.
Okay, seriously.
1529
01:03:33,877 --> 01:03:35,644
Okay, okay.
He's clingy.
1530
01:03:35,646 --> 01:03:37,913
He literally is terrified
of being by himself.
1531
01:03:37,915 --> 01:03:39,514
Look, I know zook's your buddy
1532
01:03:39,516 --> 01:03:40,415
and you don't
want him to be guilty,
1533
01:03:40,417 --> 01:03:41,883
but he's our guy.
1534
01:03:41,885 --> 01:03:43,819
No, he's actually not our guy.
I would know.
1535
01:03:43,821 --> 01:03:46,354
Now, you know,
we sometimes cling to things
1536
01:03:46,356 --> 01:03:48,456
because they're
familiar and comfortable.
1537
01:03:48,458 --> 01:03:50,192
I teach about
a principle called embedding.
1538
01:03:50,194 --> 01:03:51,726
Look at the facts.
Matter of fact, I...
1539
01:03:51,728 --> 01:03:54,296
Zook has the tattoo.
He knew Cynthia.
1540
01:03:54,298 --> 01:03:55,597
I know the first time
he met you,
1541
01:03:55,599 --> 01:03:56,898
you dropped a fucking
sandwich on his foot
1542
01:03:56,900 --> 01:03:58,300
and he smiled at you,
1543
01:03:58,302 --> 01:04:01,369
but you are completely
blind to the fact...
1544
01:04:01,371 --> 01:04:03,305
What'd you say embedding was?
Embedding?
1545
01:04:03,307 --> 01:04:06,775
Oh, embedding is our
tendency to latch on to
1546
01:04:06,777 --> 01:04:09,277
the first bit of information
that we're offered
1547
01:04:09,279 --> 01:04:11,913
and overlooking, or even ignoring,
contradictory information.
1548
01:04:11,915 --> 01:04:12,814
It's a fascinating principle...
1549
01:04:12,816 --> 01:04:14,583
Shut up. I'm thinking.
1550
01:04:15,651 --> 01:04:17,953
You think it's possible that
1551
01:04:17,955 --> 01:04:19,788
we embedded?
1552
01:04:19,790 --> 01:04:21,423
What, like when we were
drunk or something?
1553
01:04:21,425 --> 01:04:23,325
We embedded each other? Okay.
I'm gonna recommend...
1554
01:04:23,327 --> 01:04:24,092
Okay, you can leave the room.
1555
01:04:24,094 --> 01:04:25,160
Just get the fuck out.
1556
01:04:26,095 --> 01:04:27,462
Get the fuck out.
You heard him.
1557
01:04:27,464 --> 01:04:28,763
This took a turn.
1558
01:04:28,765 --> 01:04:30,265
One, two...
1559
01:04:30,267 --> 01:04:32,033
Okay. Yep. Good session.
(DOOR CLOSES)
1560
01:04:32,035 --> 01:04:33,301
The first time we saw the photo
1561
01:04:33,303 --> 01:04:34,669
of Cynthia buying whyphy,
1562
01:04:34,671 --> 01:04:37,339
Dickson said,
this guy's the dealer.
1563
01:04:37,341 --> 01:04:39,407
Everything we've done and thought
has been based on that fact,
1564
01:04:39,409 --> 01:04:41,109
but what if Dickson was wrong?
1565
01:04:41,111 --> 01:04:43,545
And we've ignored
all the other clues.
1566
01:04:43,547 --> 01:04:45,267
SCHMIDT: What if Cynthia
wasn't the buyer?
1567
01:04:45,781 --> 01:04:47,849
What if Cynthia was the dealer?
1568
01:04:47,851 --> 01:04:51,286
Captain, we have something really,
really important to tell you about.
1569
01:04:51,288 --> 01:04:52,288
(VELCRO RIPPING)
1570
01:04:55,558 --> 01:04:57,058
Captain?
1571
01:04:57,060 --> 01:04:58,793
Are you wearing Kevlar?
1572
01:04:58,795 --> 01:05:03,331
Now, gentlemen, we're not
gonna sit here and pretend
1573
01:05:03,333 --> 01:05:05,834
there's not a big-ass
elephant in the room.
1574
01:05:05,836 --> 01:05:06,876
What the fuck is going on?
1575
01:05:08,004 --> 01:05:09,938
This is what
the fuck is going on.
1576
01:05:16,112 --> 01:05:18,947
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
1577
01:05:18,949 --> 01:05:20,482
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
1578
01:05:22,184 --> 01:05:24,185
Oh, shit! No!
1579
01:05:24,187 --> 01:05:27,756
That is not happening
right now! No!
1580
01:05:27,758 --> 01:05:31,159
Hey, y'all, he's fucking
the captain's daughter! Yo!
1581
01:05:31,161 --> 01:05:32,661
Every time he say that shit...
1582
01:05:32,663 --> 01:05:34,229
JENKO: Oh, my fuck!
1583
01:05:34,231 --> 01:05:36,231
...that's another
foot in your ass.
1584
01:05:36,233 --> 01:05:39,467
Schmidt, you clearly... Yo,
this is the best thing ever!
1585
01:05:39,469 --> 01:05:40,502
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
1586
01:05:41,671 --> 01:05:44,239
Schmidt fucked
the captain's daughter!
1587
01:05:44,241 --> 01:05:47,242
(SINGSONG) Schmidt fucked
the captain's daughter!
1588
01:05:47,244 --> 01:05:50,078
Schmidt fucked
the captain's daughter!
1589
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:52,681
Shit! Fuck!
1590
01:05:52,683 --> 01:05:55,283
You fucked
captain dickson's daughter?
1591
01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:57,519
Captain, what the...
1592
01:05:57,521 --> 01:05:59,921
You bragged to him to his face.
1593
01:05:59,923 --> 01:06:01,589
To his actual face.
Captain...
1594
01:06:01,591 --> 01:06:05,393
Do you understand that this face right
here, you bragged to that face?
1595
01:06:05,395 --> 01:06:08,964
You actually high-fived Schmidt
for fucking your daughter.
1596
01:06:08,966 --> 01:06:10,031
Holy shit!
1597
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:12,067
Oh, my God! This is...
1598
01:06:13,402 --> 01:06:14,970
It's really not that funny.
1599
01:06:16,038 --> 01:06:17,939
SCHMIDT: I just want to say that
1600
01:06:17,941 --> 01:06:22,344
it was bizarre not
to share the fact
1601
01:06:22,346 --> 01:06:24,879
that your daughter
went to mc state.
1602
01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,247
I think it's bizarre
1603
01:06:26,249 --> 01:06:28,616
that I haven't cut your
motherfucking nuts off.
1604
01:06:28,618 --> 01:06:31,953
What if captain gets to punch
you in the face one time,
1605
01:06:31,955 --> 01:06:33,688
really, really, really hard?
1606
01:06:33,690 --> 01:06:34,690
Nah.
1607
01:06:36,092 --> 01:06:38,259
I got something
way better than that.
1608
01:06:39,295 --> 01:06:40,528
(SCREAMS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1609
01:06:41,764 --> 01:06:44,733
You think Cynthia
was the dealer?
1610
01:06:44,735 --> 01:06:47,936
How the fuck we gonna infiltrate
the dealer if the dealer is dead?
1611
01:06:47,938 --> 01:06:49,371
We have to stop treating this
1612
01:06:49,373 --> 01:06:51,773
like it's exactly
the same as last time.
1613
01:06:51,775 --> 01:06:54,843
And we got a bigger problem.
No more money in the budget.
1614
01:06:54,845 --> 01:06:56,325
What? I thought
we had Cate Blanchett.
1615
01:06:56,946 --> 01:06:58,513
Cate Blanchett?
1616
01:06:58,515 --> 01:07:01,016
Yeah, I thought we had Cate
Blanchett with the budget.
1617
01:07:01,018 --> 01:07:02,550
You mean carte blanche.
1618
01:07:03,452 --> 01:07:04,686
That one.
1619
01:07:04,688 --> 01:07:06,488
Welcome back, dum-dum.
1620
01:07:06,490 --> 01:07:09,724
We did have carte blanche.
Not no more.
1621
01:07:09,726 --> 01:07:11,893
You got that expensive
chase in the beginning,
1622
01:07:11,895 --> 01:07:15,663
that expensive equipment,
this fucking office...
1623
01:07:15,665 --> 01:07:18,933
This look like some shit iron man
would have. Shit's expensive!
1624
01:07:18,935 --> 01:07:22,904
I got on $800 shoes, and you can't
even see the motherfuckers.
1625
01:07:22,906 --> 01:07:25,340
So now you two motherfuckers
is in the crosshairs.
1626
01:07:25,342 --> 01:07:26,808
I'm warning you,
1627
01:07:26,810 --> 01:07:28,710
find the supplier,
1628
01:07:28,712 --> 01:07:30,432
but don't cost the
department no more money.
1629
01:07:32,481 --> 01:07:36,017
Look, I apologize
about the zook thing.
1630
01:07:36,019 --> 01:07:38,353
You were right,
he's not the dealer.
1631
01:07:38,355 --> 01:07:39,821
Okay, great.
You apologized.
1632
01:07:39,823 --> 01:07:41,222
What's that worth, man?
1633
01:07:41,224 --> 01:07:44,526
Now we have no leads. What
are we supposed to do now?
1634
01:07:44,528 --> 01:07:45,528
Police work.
1635
01:07:52,902 --> 01:07:54,436
Fuck.
1636
01:07:55,938 --> 01:07:58,206
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
1637
01:07:58,208 --> 01:08:00,308
Don't throw a fucking
dead person's dildo at me.
1638
01:08:00,310 --> 01:08:02,477
We're at work right now, okay?
1639
01:08:02,479 --> 01:08:04,746
JENKO: Kids don't check out
books anymore, right?
1640
01:08:05,848 --> 01:08:07,582
I don't even think
they know how to read.
1641
01:08:10,386 --> 01:08:12,187
Library.
Book place.
1642
01:08:12,189 --> 01:08:13,354
Library.
1643
01:08:13,356 --> 01:08:15,423
The supplier is putting drugs
1644
01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:16,524
inside the books in the library,
1645
01:08:16,526 --> 01:08:18,660
where literally no one
goes anymore, man.
1646
01:08:18,662 --> 01:08:20,428
And the dealers
check out the books.
1647
01:08:20,430 --> 01:08:22,297
We're going to catch the supplier.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
1648
01:08:22,299 --> 01:08:23,598
Do you realize how cool...
Wait, one Sec, one Sec.
1649
01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:25,100
What's up, dude?
1650
01:08:25,102 --> 01:08:27,001
Hey, dude, where are you?
1651
01:08:27,003 --> 01:08:29,237
We're warming up.
The game's about to start.
1652
01:08:29,239 --> 01:08:30,839
All right, man.
Um, look, I'm just gonna...
1653
01:08:30,841 --> 01:08:32,107
I'm coming.
1654
01:08:32,109 --> 01:08:33,341
All right, later.
1655
01:08:33,343 --> 01:08:34,943
What are you doing?
Don't leave me hanging.
1656
01:08:34,945 --> 01:08:37,645
Dude, I got to go or I'm
gonna blow my cover, okay?
1657
01:08:37,647 --> 01:08:39,114
You can do this alone.
I'll be back in two hours.
1658
01:08:39,116 --> 01:08:40,315
You got this.
1659
01:08:48,224 --> 01:08:49,557
(CROWD CHEERING)
1660
01:08:49,559 --> 01:08:50,925
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
1661
01:08:50,927 --> 01:08:52,327
You scared me.
1662
01:09:03,105 --> 01:09:06,007
ZOOK: State name! Number!
State name! Number!
1663
01:09:06,009 --> 01:09:07,609
Color! Color! Number!
1664
01:09:08,377 --> 01:09:09,744
MAN: This is the place.
1665
01:09:09,746 --> 01:09:11,312
You'd think if somebody wants
to show us their operation,
1666
01:09:11,314 --> 01:09:12,747
they'd at least be on time.
1667
01:09:14,183 --> 01:09:16,584
Look at this crap. Huh?
1668
01:09:16,586 --> 01:09:18,653
I do miss the days...
Shit.
1669
01:09:18,655 --> 01:09:20,775
What's he doing here? ...When
people did normal drugs.
1670
01:09:21,223 --> 01:09:22,590
What is this?
Jelly beans?
1671
01:09:23,792 --> 01:09:24,959
Crap!
1672
01:09:24,961 --> 01:09:26,995
Set, hut!
1673
01:09:26,997 --> 01:09:29,931
BOB: Mcquaid crosses
in an end-around.
1674
01:09:29,933 --> 01:09:33,234
It's a trick play! These two are
practically interchangeable.
1675
01:09:33,236 --> 01:09:35,503
Mcquaid throws down
the field to haythe.
1676
01:09:40,209 --> 01:09:42,177
And he hangs on
for the touchdown!
1677
01:09:42,179 --> 01:09:43,745
JIM: These two are
peas in a pod, Bob,
1678
01:09:43,747 --> 01:09:45,147
but instead of
little green balls,
1679
01:09:45,148 --> 01:09:46,648
they are human football players.
1680
01:09:50,854 --> 01:09:54,756
ANNOUNCER: Let's hear it once again,
mc state, for your dynamic duo.
1681
01:09:54,758 --> 01:09:56,257
(CROWD CHEERING)
1682
01:09:58,027 --> 01:09:59,561
Oh, shit. My brother
needs me again.
1683
01:10:01,931 --> 01:10:04,332
Look, you know, loyalty's cool,
1684
01:10:04,334 --> 01:10:06,167
and I admire it,
1685
01:10:06,169 --> 01:10:07,335
and I know he's your brother.
1686
01:10:09,305 --> 01:10:10,972
But you can't allow yourself
to be held down by a guy
1687
01:10:10,974 --> 01:10:13,675
just because he won't let go.
1688
01:10:18,047 --> 01:10:19,247
JENKO: Yeah. Um...
1689
01:10:21,517 --> 01:10:23,318
I gotta take a piss.
1690
01:10:25,955 --> 01:10:28,122
MAN: The kid's pretty rude
to make us wait like this.
1691
01:10:28,124 --> 01:10:29,791
Can you shut it?
1692
01:10:29,793 --> 01:10:31,993
What's wrong with those
classic drugs from the '90s?
1693
01:10:31,995 --> 01:10:33,795
Heroin, you know, cocaine...
1694
01:10:33,797 --> 01:10:35,563
Hey, hey.
Whoa. Shit.
1695
01:10:35,565 --> 01:10:36,631
I'm fucking here.
You happy? Shh!
1696
01:10:36,633 --> 01:10:38,299
The ghost is right there, okay?
1697
01:10:38,301 --> 01:10:39,767
He's about to meet up
with the supplier.
1698
01:10:39,769 --> 01:10:41,703
Hey. Check that out.
JENKO: You shush.
1699
01:10:41,705 --> 01:10:43,404
You're the one fucking talking.
You're being so fucking loud.
1700
01:10:43,406 --> 01:10:44,572
You shut the fuck up.
1701
01:10:45,708 --> 01:10:46,708
What's going on here?
SCHMIDT: Shit!
1702
01:10:46,710 --> 01:10:48,243
Um...
1703
01:10:48,245 --> 01:10:51,446
(STUTTERING) You're interrupting
a really stellar blow job.
1704
01:10:51,448 --> 01:10:53,448
Oh, fuck, I just came so hard!
1705
01:10:53,450 --> 01:10:54,682
What the hell is going on?
1706
01:10:54,684 --> 01:10:56,284
It's okay. It's just
a couple of faggots.
1707
01:10:56,785 --> 01:10:58,586
Hey, yo, what the fuck
did you just say?
1708
01:10:58,588 --> 01:10:59,988
Did you just call us faggots?
1709
01:10:59,990 --> 01:11:01,310
He said you were
sucking his dick.
1710
01:11:02,024 --> 01:11:03,591
It's 2014, asshole.
1711
01:11:03,593 --> 01:11:05,159
You can't fucking use faggot.
1712
01:11:05,161 --> 01:11:07,295
Gay is okay.
Homosexual, maybe.
1713
01:11:07,297 --> 01:11:09,797
And if you know the person, you
might be able to call them a queer.
1714
01:11:09,799 --> 01:11:11,699
If they have a great sense
of humor, but I don't.
1715
01:11:11,701 --> 01:11:13,234
I'm sorry, he took one
human sexuality class,
1716
01:11:13,236 --> 01:11:14,435
he thinks he's Harvey milk.
1717
01:11:14,437 --> 01:11:16,304
Oh, my God.
Will you please,
1718
01:11:16,306 --> 01:11:18,306
just for once, just back me up?
1719
01:11:18,308 --> 01:11:19,907
Why can't you just
use your head for once?
1720
01:11:19,909 --> 01:11:21,349
Oh. You want me
to use my head? Fine.
1721
01:11:23,646 --> 01:11:24,879
Oh, yeah, what's up
now, motherfuckers?
1722
01:11:24,881 --> 01:11:25,881
You remember me?
1723
01:11:25,882 --> 01:11:27,148
I'm your best night...
1724
01:11:27,150 --> 01:11:28,516
I'm your worst nightmare.
1725
01:11:28,518 --> 01:11:30,685
Oh, man, it's my memory.
1726
01:11:31,353 --> 01:11:32,920
It's getting worse lately.
1727
01:11:32,922 --> 01:11:34,656
Are you the police?
1728
01:11:34,658 --> 01:11:37,959
Yeah, that's right. And you
motherfuckers are all under arrest.
1729
01:11:37,961 --> 01:11:38,961
(GHOST CHUCKLES)
1730
01:11:39,194 --> 01:11:40,762
Where's your gun?
1731
01:11:40,764 --> 01:11:41,896
What?
Do you have guns?
1732
01:11:42,831 --> 01:11:44,265
No.
1733
01:11:44,267 --> 01:11:45,967
No, I don't.
1734
01:11:45,969 --> 01:11:48,736
'Cause we have guns.
1735
01:11:48,738 --> 01:11:52,840
Well, why don't you put your guns
down, and let's fight like men?
1736
01:11:55,210 --> 01:11:56,678
Because we have guns.
1737
01:11:56,680 --> 01:11:58,513
Schmidt, run!
Get him!
1738
01:11:58,515 --> 01:12:00,715
Go! Go, go.
Go!
1739
01:12:00,717 --> 01:12:01,717
Shit!
(GUNS FIRING)
1740
01:12:02,618 --> 01:12:04,185
GHOST: How hard
can it be? Shoot them!
1741
01:12:04,187 --> 01:12:05,420
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
1742
01:12:05,422 --> 01:12:06,422
Shoot them! Shoot them!
1743
01:12:08,190 --> 01:12:09,557
Come on, this way, it's faster.
1744
01:12:09,559 --> 01:12:10,825
No, just come this...
Schmidt! Schmidt!
1745
01:12:10,827 --> 01:12:11,893
(GROANS)
1746
01:12:13,095 --> 01:12:14,095
Hurry up, okay?
1747
01:12:18,567 --> 01:12:19,901
Schmidt, will you hurry up!
1748
01:12:19,903 --> 01:12:21,543
Stop yelling at me!
You're distracting me!
1749
01:12:24,173 --> 01:12:25,640
Schmidt, come on!
Let's go!
1750
01:12:25,642 --> 01:12:27,475
I can't jump down! I'm not,
like, fucking spider-man!
1751
01:12:27,477 --> 01:12:29,344
I'm gonna get the car.
1752
01:12:33,315 --> 01:12:34,549
Stairs are so much faster.
1753
01:12:34,551 --> 01:12:35,683
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1754
01:12:35,685 --> 01:12:37,385
That's the car you got?
1755
01:12:37,387 --> 01:12:38,953
I'm sorry it's not a fucking lambo.
Shut up and get in.
1756
01:12:38,955 --> 01:12:40,054
Are they even still chasing us?
1757
01:12:40,056 --> 01:12:41,256
Yes, they're still chasing us!
1758
01:12:48,864 --> 01:12:50,264
Why did you do that? We were
about to catch the supplier.
1759
01:12:50,266 --> 01:12:51,499
What's wrong with you?
1760
01:12:51,501 --> 01:12:52,767
Look, if you don't
say something,
1761
01:12:52,769 --> 01:12:54,535
people will never
stop discriminating.
1762
01:12:54,537 --> 01:12:56,137
Will you please do something
1763
01:12:56,139 --> 01:12:57,459
about how slow
this thing's going?
1764
01:12:59,942 --> 01:13:01,542
(SCREAMS)
1765
01:13:01,544 --> 01:13:02,744
Oh, shit!
Watch out, watch out!
1766
01:13:06,882 --> 01:13:08,683
That is just like
a little helmet machine.
1767
01:13:12,121 --> 01:13:13,421
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1768
01:13:19,027 --> 01:13:20,962
We can't destroy any more stuff!
1769
01:13:20,964 --> 01:13:23,531
We can't waste any more
of the department's money!
1770
01:13:23,533 --> 01:13:24,866
Watch out for that cash machine!
1771
01:13:27,970 --> 01:13:29,604
ALL: Whoo!
1772
01:13:29,606 --> 01:13:30,772
Which way?
Which way? Which way?
1773
01:13:30,774 --> 01:13:32,094
SCHMIDT: Whichever way's cheaper!
1774
01:13:32,241 --> 01:13:34,108
Right? You went right?
1775
01:13:34,110 --> 01:13:35,543
You could've gone
in a parking lot,
1776
01:13:35,545 --> 01:13:36,878
you went to
the sculpture garden?
1777
01:13:36,880 --> 01:13:38,520
Do you know how expensive
that's gonna be?
1778
01:13:43,185 --> 01:13:44,652
Shit!
1779
01:13:44,654 --> 01:13:45,620
It's like they're trying
to hit 'em or something.
1780
01:13:45,622 --> 01:13:46,954
I mean, it looks cool,
1781
01:13:46,956 --> 01:13:48,316
but, I mean,
it's just so wasteful.
1782
01:13:50,959 --> 01:13:53,094
SCHMIDT: They're
destroying everything!
1783
01:13:53,096 --> 01:13:55,329
Captain's gonna kill us!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1784
01:13:55,331 --> 01:13:56,898
What are we gonna do?
1785
01:13:56,900 --> 01:13:58,065
All right, we're gonna lose
'em in the robotics lab.
1786
01:13:58,067 --> 01:13:59,067
What?
1787
01:14:01,036 --> 01:14:02,136
(CLATTERING)
1788
01:14:04,740 --> 01:14:07,074
SCHMIDT: Oh, no!
Oh, we broke everything!
1789
01:14:07,076 --> 01:14:08,843
There was a lot of
expensive stuff in there!
1790
01:14:10,279 --> 01:14:11,279
Oh, shit!
1791
01:14:12,748 --> 01:14:13,988
They're going into the stadium!
1792
01:14:16,885 --> 01:14:18,605
Listen, Schmidt,
I gotta tell you something.
1793
01:14:19,388 --> 01:14:20,588
I got offered a scholarship
1794
01:14:20,590 --> 01:14:22,356
to play football here next year.
1795
01:14:22,358 --> 01:14:24,392
And zook said I could
room with him, you know,
1796
01:14:24,394 --> 01:14:28,329
so I was thinking that
I could do that, maybe.
1797
01:14:28,331 --> 01:14:30,331
What? You can't be a cop
1798
01:14:30,333 --> 01:14:32,099
and stay here and play
football with zook.
1799
01:14:32,101 --> 01:14:34,135
No, look, I know, okay?
It's just...
1800
01:14:34,137 --> 01:14:36,270
There's no friction with me and zook.
We're the same.
1801
01:14:36,272 --> 01:14:38,473
Do you want out?
If you want out, just say it.
1802
01:14:38,475 --> 01:14:40,274
No, I don't want out, okay?
1803
01:14:40,276 --> 01:14:41,943
It's just, when I'm
on the football field
1804
01:14:41,945 --> 01:14:44,479
and I'm diving for a pass,
I feel like I can fly.
1805
01:14:44,481 --> 01:14:45,780
All right?
And when I'm with you,
1806
01:14:45,782 --> 01:14:47,182
it just feels like
you hold me down.
1807
01:14:48,684 --> 01:14:50,551
I just wish you
could fly with me.
1808
01:14:50,553 --> 01:14:53,521
BOB: And the statesmen
win, 34-14.
1809
01:14:53,523 --> 01:14:55,423
(ALL CHEERING) JIM: And there
go the fans onto the field.
1810
01:14:55,425 --> 01:14:56,425
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1811
01:14:58,994 --> 01:14:59,994
(ALL GROANING)
1812
01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:03,498
SCHMIDT: Jenko!
1813
01:15:04,366 --> 01:15:05,700
Jesus Christ!
1814
01:15:08,003 --> 01:15:09,337
Dude, the brakes are out. What?
1815
01:15:09,339 --> 01:15:10,872
Get the fuck out of the way!
1816
01:15:10,874 --> 01:15:12,554
You gotta jump. You
gotta jump, jump, jump!
1817
01:15:18,247 --> 01:15:19,247
No.
1818
01:15:22,117 --> 01:15:23,117
(CROWD GASPS)
1819
01:15:23,452 --> 01:15:24,452
(CREAKING)
1820
01:15:28,690 --> 01:15:29,824
Fuck!
1821
01:15:30,526 --> 01:15:31,526
(CHEERING)
1822
01:15:41,837 --> 01:15:43,277
Let's go, boss. We gotta go.
(LAUGHS)
1823
01:15:45,073 --> 01:15:47,108
You did it! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
1824
01:15:49,478 --> 01:15:51,078
You're under arrest, sir.
1825
01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:52,713
Hey, I'm an officer, all right?
1826
01:15:52,715 --> 01:15:55,149
Just take me in.
I'll explain later.
1827
01:15:55,151 --> 01:15:57,218
No, no, no. Hey, he's a student.
He didn't do anything.
1828
01:15:57,220 --> 01:16:00,187
Wait, wait. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
1829
01:16:00,189 --> 01:16:01,189
I, um...
1830
01:16:01,823 --> 01:16:03,324
I decided for you.
1831
01:16:04,826 --> 01:16:08,129
Just stick with football.
1832
01:16:08,131 --> 01:16:11,365
I can't give you the same
feeling that these guys can.
1833
01:16:11,367 --> 01:16:12,400
Maybe we were only
supposed to do this once.
1834
01:16:12,402 --> 01:16:13,968
What?
1835
01:16:13,970 --> 01:16:14,936
Dude, this is the fucking
best moment of my life!
1836
01:16:14,938 --> 01:16:16,270
Let's go, man!
1837
01:16:19,441 --> 01:16:22,910
ALL: (CHANTING)
Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Mcquaid!
1838
01:16:28,617 --> 01:16:29,917
♪♪♪
1839
01:16:37,960 --> 01:16:39,226
MAYA: Hey, Maya Angelou.
1840
01:16:40,329 --> 01:16:41,629
Thanks for lying to me.
1841
01:16:48,270 --> 01:16:49,270
Aw.
1842
01:16:53,976 --> 01:16:56,210
BOTH: Lam-Bros! Yes!
1843
01:16:56,212 --> 01:16:58,546
BOTH: Brad mcquaid!
Brad mcquaid!
1844
01:16:58,548 --> 01:16:59,947
Brad mcquaid! Brad...
1845
01:17:07,022 --> 01:17:09,056
How are we doing tonight, sir?
Good, thanks.
1846
01:17:09,058 --> 01:17:10,992
Are we waiting on anybody
or you dining alone?
1847
01:17:10,994 --> 01:17:13,027
Someone may swing by,
but we can...
1848
01:17:13,029 --> 01:17:14,795
We can order without them.
1849
01:17:14,797 --> 01:17:19,100
We have identified and arrested one Dr.
Karl Murphy,
1850
01:17:19,102 --> 01:17:22,436
who was found with whyphy residue
throughout his office...
1851
01:17:22,438 --> 01:17:26,007
...and had a close personal
relationship with the deceased.
1852
01:17:26,009 --> 01:17:28,709
Exactly like a case we had
recently at a high school.
1853
01:17:29,578 --> 01:17:31,746
Exactly the same.
1854
01:17:32,781 --> 01:17:34,949
The case is closed.
1855
01:17:34,951 --> 01:17:37,391
You know, like, what you're gonna
do after you're out of here?
1856
01:17:41,556 --> 01:17:43,791
You're not supposed
to throw rocks.
1857
01:17:45,293 --> 01:17:46,527
What?
1858
01:17:46,529 --> 01:17:49,030
You're not supposed
to throw rocks.
1859
01:17:49,032 --> 01:17:50,798
(GROANS)
♪ I ain't missing you at all
1860
01:17:53,902 --> 01:17:58,239
♪ Since you've been gone away
1861
01:17:58,241 --> 01:18:01,008
The lobster for one person.
1862
01:18:01,010 --> 01:18:03,144
Enough for one person only.
1863
01:18:03,146 --> 01:18:06,847
♪ No matter what my friends say
1864
01:18:06,849 --> 01:18:08,649
I found something in this whyphy
case that caught my attention.
1865
01:18:08,651 --> 01:18:10,351
Get the fuck out of my office.
1866
01:18:10,353 --> 01:18:11,819
Sir, you don't...
We caught the guy.
1867
01:18:11,821 --> 01:18:12,987
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1868
01:18:12,989 --> 01:18:15,289
BOTH: Yeah! Yeah!
1869
01:18:16,358 --> 01:18:17,358
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1870
01:18:20,028 --> 01:18:23,130
Hey, you want to do anything
else other than work out today?
1871
01:18:23,132 --> 01:18:24,365
Like what?
1872
01:18:24,367 --> 01:18:26,000
Come on, dude. They're
just lobsters, dude.
1873
01:18:26,002 --> 01:18:27,468
Come on.
No, don't be afraid.
1874
01:18:27,470 --> 01:18:29,550
It's gonna claw your face.
It's gonna claw your face.
1875
01:18:32,674 --> 01:18:34,208
(ALL CLAPPING)
1876
01:18:36,144 --> 01:18:39,880
It's gonna be like this, dude,
for the rest of our lives.
1877
01:18:39,882 --> 01:18:41,315
♪♪♪
1878
01:18:41,317 --> 01:18:44,218
♪ Down this long
distance line tonight
1879
01:18:44,220 --> 01:18:46,120
♪ I ain't missing you at all
1880
01:18:49,091 --> 01:18:53,060
♪ Since you've been gone away
1881
01:18:53,062 --> 01:18:54,829
♪ I ain't missing you
1882
01:18:58,500 --> 01:19:02,870
♪ No matter what my friends say
1883
01:19:02,872 --> 01:19:04,739
♪ Ain't missing you ♪
1884
01:19:06,742 --> 01:19:07,875
Hey.
Hey.
1885
01:19:10,679 --> 01:19:12,513
What are you doing here?
1886
01:19:12,515 --> 01:19:14,482
Just came to see how you are.
1887
01:19:15,784 --> 01:19:17,585
I'm doing fucking great.
1888
01:19:17,587 --> 01:19:19,086
I'm the happiest I've ever been,
1889
01:19:19,088 --> 01:19:21,655
so I'm just having
a great time with myself.
1890
01:19:21,657 --> 01:19:23,457
I'm glad you're having a
good time with yourself.
1891
01:19:23,459 --> 01:19:26,761
I'm a solo artist now,
like Beyonce.
1892
01:19:26,763 --> 01:19:30,498
I used to have the other destiny's
children, but now I'm just, uh,
1893
01:19:30,500 --> 01:19:31,699
a lone superstar.
1894
01:19:31,701 --> 01:19:33,434
Happy for you.
1895
01:19:33,436 --> 01:19:36,337
Just a light-skinned princess with
a dream and an amazing voice.
1896
01:19:36,339 --> 01:19:37,339
That's great.
1897
01:19:38,140 --> 01:19:39,140
How are you?
1898
01:19:39,708 --> 01:19:42,209
I'm pretty great.
1899
01:19:42,211 --> 01:19:44,912
I just chill and... You
know how chill zook is.
1900
01:19:44,914 --> 01:19:45,980
Zook's such a chill guy.
1901
01:19:45,982 --> 01:19:47,648
Just like ice.
1902
01:19:47,650 --> 01:19:49,483
That makes me so happy for you.
1903
01:19:52,554 --> 01:19:54,855
So, look, I just
wanted to say that, like,
1904
01:19:54,857 --> 01:19:56,924
I was thinking about the case,
1905
01:19:56,926 --> 01:19:59,193
and I was worried that they
got the wrong guy for it.
1906
01:20:00,962 --> 01:20:01,729
I don't think
he's the guy, either.
1907
01:20:01,731 --> 01:20:03,330
Yeah?
1908
01:20:03,332 --> 01:20:05,399
I looked into
the ghost's background,
1909
01:20:05,401 --> 01:20:08,469
and I saw that he pays tuition
for a student at mc state.
1910
01:20:08,471 --> 01:20:10,204
You think the ghost could
be the supplier's dad?
1911
01:20:10,206 --> 01:20:11,472
Maybe.
1912
01:20:11,474 --> 01:20:12,540
Okay, that's a pretty good
piece of information.
1913
01:20:12,542 --> 01:20:13,808
Thank you.
1914
01:20:13,810 --> 01:20:16,210
Well, I heard whyphy's
coming back in a big way.
1915
01:20:16,212 --> 01:20:17,711
Someone's bringing
a shit-ton of that stuff
1916
01:20:17,713 --> 01:20:19,547
down to puerto, Mexico,
for spring break.
1917
01:20:19,549 --> 01:20:22,583
And if that happens,
whyphy is going viral.
1918
01:20:22,585 --> 01:20:24,051
It's gonna be at every
college in the country.
1919
01:20:24,053 --> 01:20:26,287
I think my information
was stronger.
1920
01:20:26,289 --> 01:20:28,255
Look, if you...
If you want to,
1921
01:20:29,925 --> 01:20:30,958
we could go down there.
1922
01:20:32,060 --> 01:20:33,761
Like together?
1923
01:20:33,763 --> 01:20:35,396
We don't have to
put a label on it.
1924
01:20:35,398 --> 01:20:37,598
Just, like, one-time.
One-time thing.
1925
01:20:37,600 --> 01:20:39,733
No big commitment or
stress to each other.
1926
01:20:43,038 --> 01:20:45,539
What about school and football
and your wonderful new life?
1927
01:20:46,842 --> 01:20:47,842
I have time off.
1928
01:20:49,711 --> 01:20:51,212
I'm on spring break.
1929
01:20:51,746 --> 01:20:52,847
♪♪♪
1930
01:21:04,793 --> 01:21:05,893
(SIGHS)
1931
01:21:05,895 --> 01:21:06,895
Cool tingling.
1932
01:21:08,029 --> 01:21:09,430
Got room for one
of these babies.
1933
01:21:09,432 --> 01:21:11,732
A grenade. Why you
gonna put it there?
1934
01:21:11,734 --> 01:21:13,167
That's just unsanitary.
1935
01:21:13,169 --> 01:21:14,169
Feels right.
1936
01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:27,181
Missed a spot.
1937
01:21:38,827 --> 01:21:40,627
You know this is just
a one-time thing, right?
1938
01:21:41,796 --> 01:21:42,930
I know.
1939
01:21:44,266 --> 01:21:46,467
So you're not gonna
be weird about this?
1940
01:21:50,772 --> 01:21:51,939
Okay.
1941
01:21:56,611 --> 01:21:57,611
BOTH: Perfect.
1942
01:21:58,747 --> 01:22:00,481
Spring break, motherfucker.
1943
01:22:04,152 --> 01:22:05,586
Did you not see that I was going first?
Excuse you.
1944
01:22:05,588 --> 01:22:07,655
Excuse you.
You want to go first?
1945
01:22:07,657 --> 01:22:09,623
EMCEE: Spring break,
motherfuckers!
1946
01:22:10,592 --> 01:22:11,792
(CROWD CHEERING)
1947
01:22:11,794 --> 01:22:13,294
♪♪♪
1948
01:22:13,296 --> 01:22:15,362
♪ I be divin' in the crowd
1949
01:22:15,364 --> 01:22:16,897
♪ Shake my dreads, actin' wild
1950
01:22:16,899 --> 01:22:18,565
♪ Can't do lean, too blowed out
1951
01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:20,367
♪ Too turn up,
I can't turn down
1952
01:22:20,369 --> 01:22:21,835
♪ Can't turn down
Can't turn down
1953
01:22:21,837 --> 01:22:23,203
♪ Can't turn down
1954
01:22:27,876 --> 01:22:29,009
Hey.
1955
01:22:38,320 --> 01:22:40,220
♪ All I wanna do is party
1956
01:22:40,222 --> 01:22:41,722
♪ My head keep
On spinning around
1957
01:22:41,724 --> 01:22:43,090
♪ Baby girl, why don't you first
1958
01:22:43,092 --> 01:22:44,959
♪ Drop it to the ground
1959
01:22:44,961 --> 01:22:46,727
♪ I be divin' in the crowd
1960
01:22:46,729 --> 01:22:48,195
♪ Shake my dreads, actin' wild
1961
01:22:48,197 --> 01:22:49,964
♪ Can't do lean, too blowed out
1962
01:22:49,966 --> 01:22:51,799
♪ Too turn up,
I can't turn down
1963
01:22:51,801 --> 01:22:53,400
♪ Can't turn down
Can't turn down
1964
01:22:53,402 --> 01:22:54,935
♪ Can't turn down
Can't turn down
1965
01:22:54,937 --> 01:22:56,704
♪ Can't turn down
Can't turn down
1966
01:22:56,706 --> 01:22:58,146
♪ Can't turn down
Can't turn down ♪
1967
01:23:02,811 --> 01:23:05,079
My gosh! I'm sweaty.
1968
01:23:05,081 --> 01:23:06,180
You guys are actually
eating stuff in here?
1969
01:23:06,681 --> 01:23:08,315
That's so crazy.
1970
01:23:08,317 --> 01:23:09,950
JENKO: Come on, man,
put your dick away.
1971
01:23:09,952 --> 01:23:11,218
Put your fucking dick away.
1972
01:23:11,220 --> 01:23:12,720
Upstairs, upstairs.
Let's go.
1973
01:23:15,190 --> 01:23:16,957
MERCEDES: Okay,
so here's the plan.
1974
01:23:16,959 --> 01:23:21,061
We're gonna get all these kids at
spring break hooked on whyphy.
1975
01:23:21,063 --> 01:23:23,063
Then you're gonna bring
it back to your turf,
1976
01:23:23,065 --> 01:23:25,165
and you're gonna sell
the shit out of it.
1977
01:23:25,167 --> 01:23:27,901
Sell shit out of it.
Do you see that?
1978
01:23:27,903 --> 01:23:31,705
And if you rat me out, I framed my psych
prof just for giving me a b-minus.
1979
01:23:31,707 --> 01:23:34,208
He's in jail now,
so don't fuck with me.
1980
01:23:35,610 --> 01:23:36,744
We're gonna build
a nationwide network.
1981
01:23:36,746 --> 01:23:39,146
What? What the fuck are you doing?
Be quiet.
1982
01:23:39,148 --> 01:23:41,615
Why don't you sell
those old classic drugs
1983
01:23:41,617 --> 01:23:44,685
from the '90s, like
cocaine, heroin and...
1984
01:23:44,687 --> 01:23:47,388
Dad, those are, like,
old-people drugs.
1985
01:23:47,390 --> 01:23:49,256
That's, like, what they
did on the golden girls.
1986
01:23:49,258 --> 01:23:50,824
Like, blanche did heroin.
1987
01:23:50,826 --> 01:23:53,160
All right, I'll just sit
here and be silent.
1988
01:23:53,162 --> 01:23:55,763
Blanche never did heroin.
1989
01:23:55,765 --> 01:23:57,965
Okay, so, yangs, you'll take
my dead roommate's spot.
1990
01:23:57,967 --> 01:23:59,299
Cool.
Dope.
1991
01:23:59,301 --> 01:24:01,168
Are you kidding me, yangs?
Are you fucking high?
1992
01:24:01,170 --> 01:24:02,970
Of course.
Yeah, I am.
1993
01:24:02,972 --> 01:24:04,271
Jesus Christ,
have you ever heard of,
1994
01:24:04,273 --> 01:24:05,706
don't get high on
your own supply?
1995
01:24:05,708 --> 01:24:06,840
We didn't.
Nah.
1996
01:24:06,842 --> 01:24:08,075
I didn't do that.
1997
01:24:08,077 --> 01:24:09,676
Yeah, I used his
and he used mine.
1998
01:24:09,678 --> 01:24:12,038
Okay, well, now I have to make
a fucking example out of you.
1999
01:24:13,048 --> 01:24:13,847
That's a gun.
Yeah.
2000
01:24:13,849 --> 01:24:15,682
Who first?
2001
01:24:15,684 --> 01:24:17,384
You want to go first?
I don't want to die.
2002
01:24:17,386 --> 01:24:18,819
You die...
I don't want to die.
2003
01:24:18,821 --> 01:24:20,320
You want to do rock paper scissors?
Rock paper scissors?
2004
01:24:20,322 --> 01:24:21,655
That's how we'll do it.
That's how we'll do it.
2005
01:24:22,057 --> 01:24:23,190
Fuck.
2006
01:24:23,658 --> 01:24:24,858
Fuck.
2007
01:24:24,860 --> 01:24:26,260
Fuck.
2008
01:24:26,262 --> 01:24:27,628
Yeah, we won't figure this out.
2009
01:24:27,630 --> 01:24:29,229
I'll shoot both of you.
GHOST: Darling.
2010
01:24:29,231 --> 01:24:31,598
If you're going into
the family business,
2011
01:24:31,600 --> 01:24:33,500
you will have to
have a clean record.
2012
01:24:33,502 --> 01:24:36,203
That's why we have
these guys to do it for us.
2013
01:24:37,705 --> 01:24:39,773
BOTH: Oh, fuck. Jinx.
2014
01:24:39,775 --> 01:24:40,741
We got to move right now.
2015
01:24:40,743 --> 01:24:43,410
BOTH: Buy me a coke
in heaven. Jinx again.
2016
01:24:43,412 --> 01:24:44,892
Put your guns down!
Fucking guns down!
2017
01:24:45,146 --> 01:24:46,480
Doug?
2018
01:24:46,482 --> 01:24:48,949
My name's not Doug,
it's Schmidt.
2019
01:24:48,951 --> 01:24:50,751
And guess what, we're cops.
Boom.
2020
01:24:51,986 --> 01:24:53,454
Oh, my God.
2021
01:24:53,456 --> 01:24:55,689
Yeah, everybody knows.
Really?
2022
01:24:55,691 --> 01:24:59,126
You guys look like the stars of a
cop show called Hawaiian dads.
2023
01:24:59,128 --> 01:25:01,728
All right, enough is enough.
Boys, move in!
2024
01:25:01,730 --> 01:25:03,564
Oh, do we have company?
GHOST: Yeah!
2025
01:25:05,033 --> 01:25:06,834
Drop your guns.
Drop yours first.
2026
01:25:06,836 --> 01:25:09,169
We have way more guns than you.
Drop your fucking guns.
2027
01:25:09,171 --> 01:25:10,370
Okay, that's a good point.
2028
01:25:10,372 --> 01:25:12,106
Wow. (LAUGHS)
2029
01:25:12,108 --> 01:25:14,741
I mean, was this
really your entire plan?
2030
01:25:14,743 --> 01:25:16,176
Coming in here with no backup?
2031
01:25:16,178 --> 01:25:19,213
Or maybe we had a far more
elaborate plan. Mmm-hmm.
2032
01:25:19,215 --> 01:25:21,548
Maybe my partner has a tracking
device in his pocket right now.
2033
01:25:21,550 --> 01:25:22,783
May... what?
2034
01:25:22,785 --> 01:25:24,451
You had the fucking tracking device.
I don't have it.
2035
01:25:24,453 --> 01:25:26,086
That's the one fucking thing
you were supposed to remember.
2036
01:25:26,088 --> 01:25:27,988
JENKO: You're the smart person.
You do the tracking device shit.
2037
01:25:27,990 --> 01:25:29,723
That's your domain.
I do the physical shit.
2038
01:25:29,725 --> 01:25:31,825
SCHMIDT: You know what, I may
drag you down sometimes,
2039
01:25:31,827 --> 01:25:34,862
but every possible time
you can do something dumb,
2040
01:25:34,864 --> 01:25:36,330
you do the dumbest
possible thing.
2041
01:25:36,332 --> 01:25:37,998
No, the fucking
dumbest possible thing
2042
01:25:38,000 --> 01:25:39,833
is letting two cops
blah-blah-blah
2043
01:25:39,835 --> 01:25:42,402
while other cops are getting in
position to bust their shit in.
2044
01:25:42,404 --> 01:25:44,071
Oh, so you mean I brought
the tracking device.
2045
01:25:44,073 --> 01:25:46,140
Yeah.
What's up now, huh?
2046
01:25:46,142 --> 01:25:47,674
That seemed like
such a real argument.
2047
01:25:47,676 --> 01:25:49,042
That's improv, bitch.
2048
01:25:49,044 --> 01:25:50,177
Move!
2049
01:25:51,946 --> 01:25:53,213
Spring break yourself, fool.
2050
01:25:55,116 --> 01:25:57,217
We shoot dicks off
here in jump street.
2051
01:26:00,388 --> 01:26:02,789
We're here, as well.
2052
01:26:02,791 --> 01:26:05,826
We jump street, and we
about to jump in yo' ass.
2053
01:26:06,928 --> 01:26:08,529
Right in the crack.
2054
01:26:08,531 --> 01:26:09,897
Don't do it, leatherface.
2055
01:26:09,899 --> 01:26:10,899
(GUNS FIRING)
2056
01:26:12,367 --> 01:26:13,367
(SHOUTING)
2057
01:26:16,337 --> 01:26:17,457
DICKSON: He's got the drugs!
2058
01:26:22,777 --> 01:26:25,112
This is so boring.
No one's getting shot.
2059
01:26:25,114 --> 01:26:26,114
(GRUNTS)
2060
01:26:26,981 --> 01:26:28,415
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
2061
01:26:28,417 --> 01:26:31,785
Did you just get shot, like,
right after I fucking said that?
2062
01:26:34,322 --> 01:26:35,322
Can I have your gun?
It's bigger.
2063
01:26:35,324 --> 01:26:36,857
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
2064
01:26:36,859 --> 01:26:37,858
Stop! I'll shoot you
in the ass!
2065
01:26:37,860 --> 01:26:38,860
Dad!
2066
01:26:40,128 --> 01:26:42,196
Maya?
2067
01:26:42,198 --> 01:26:43,764
What are you doing here?
2068
01:26:43,766 --> 01:26:44,898
This is a shoot-out.
2069
01:26:44,900 --> 01:26:46,500
You know what happens
in a shoot-out.
2070
01:26:46,502 --> 01:26:48,368
They always kidnap the girl.
2071
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:49,703
Not always.
2072
01:26:49,705 --> 01:26:51,438
Mercedes?
You're coming with me.
2073
01:26:51,440 --> 01:26:53,407
Bitch, please. I ain't
going nowhere with you.
2074
01:26:53,409 --> 01:26:54,841
(GUNSHOT)
(SCREAMS)
2075
01:26:54,843 --> 01:26:55,876
(GROANS)
2076
01:26:55,878 --> 01:26:57,110
Now.
2077
01:26:57,112 --> 01:26:58,212
Dad, what do I do?
2078
01:26:58,214 --> 01:26:59,214
Is that my bathing suit?
2079
01:27:00,982 --> 01:27:02,149
(ALL SCREAMING)
2080
01:27:02,151 --> 01:27:03,417
Just ask. It's polite.
2081
01:27:05,386 --> 01:27:06,820
You shot me in
my foot! Wait!
2082
01:27:06,822 --> 01:27:08,488
Move! Move faster now!
2083
01:27:08,490 --> 01:27:11,058
I'm taking my time. Shit, you
shot me in my goddamn foot.
2084
01:27:11,060 --> 01:27:12,259
Doug? Doug!
2085
01:27:12,261 --> 01:27:13,627
Maya!
2086
01:27:13,629 --> 01:27:15,095
Mercedes just took
my dad that way!
2087
01:27:15,097 --> 01:27:16,463
Okay, we're on it.
2088
01:27:18,399 --> 01:27:21,335
DICKSON: If I die, I'm gonna
kill both of you motherfuckers!
2089
01:27:21,337 --> 01:27:23,457
Fuck. How are we gonna catch him now?
(ENGINE REVVING)
2090
01:27:26,040 --> 01:27:27,407
Lambo.
2091
01:27:30,478 --> 01:27:31,979
Policia! Policia!
Fuck off.
2092
01:27:32,981 --> 01:27:33,981
Shit, there's ghost!
2093
01:27:34,949 --> 01:27:36,116
What? What do we do?
2094
01:27:36,118 --> 01:27:37,484
Uh, we need to split up.
2095
01:27:38,219 --> 01:27:40,153
Are you okay with that?
2096
01:27:40,155 --> 01:27:41,221
Yeah, I can do it.
2097
01:27:41,223 --> 01:27:42,556
Are you sure?
2098
01:27:42,558 --> 01:27:44,358
I need to drive, 'cause
you're faster on foot.
2099
01:27:44,360 --> 01:27:45,826
What? I don't get
to drive the lambo?
2100
01:27:45,828 --> 01:27:47,761
No, you don't.
Come on, let's go!
2101
01:27:47,763 --> 01:27:49,596
But I want... Who gives a shit
about the lambo? Just go!
2102
01:27:49,598 --> 01:27:50,697
Let go of the fucking keys!
I can't let 'em go.
2103
01:27:50,699 --> 01:27:51,899
You're gonna have to take 'em.
2104
01:27:51,900 --> 01:27:53,980
Take care of her, okay? It'll
be glorious, I promise.
2105
01:27:55,036 --> 01:27:56,156
How do you drive this thing?
2106
01:27:56,704 --> 01:27:58,272
You got to let
her drive you, Bro.
2107
01:27:58,274 --> 01:27:59,339
(GRUNTING)
2108
01:28:01,009 --> 01:28:02,376
SCHMIDT: I can't get in.
2109
01:28:05,113 --> 01:28:06,280
(TIRES SCREECHING) Hey!
2110
01:28:06,282 --> 01:28:07,514
Look where you're going!
2111
01:28:08,182 --> 01:28:09,182
(CAR HONKING)
2112
01:28:10,385 --> 01:28:11,551
It's so confusing!
2113
01:28:18,426 --> 01:28:19,993
Easy, bitch.
My hands are hurting.
2114
01:28:22,664 --> 01:28:23,664
Whoa!
2115
01:28:27,702 --> 01:28:29,436
You know who's
behind us in that car?
2116
01:28:29,438 --> 01:28:31,371
That's one of the best
drivers that we got.
2117
01:28:32,073 --> 01:28:33,206
Fuck!
2118
01:28:33,208 --> 01:28:35,342
Oh, shit.
2119
01:28:35,344 --> 01:28:37,024
SCHMIDT: Fucking complicated.
What is this?
2120
01:28:38,379 --> 01:28:39,646
Holy shit!
2121
01:28:41,649 --> 01:28:43,569
You fucked up me driving
a Lamborghini, you dick!
2122
01:28:45,987 --> 01:28:46,987
Fuck you, doves!
2123
01:28:55,463 --> 01:28:57,964
EMCEE: Puerto, Mexico,
let's hear you get crazy!
2124
01:28:57,966 --> 01:28:58,966
(ALL CHEERING)
2125
01:29:03,371 --> 01:29:04,504
It's like a Batmobile.
2126
01:29:04,506 --> 01:29:05,539
Come on, Schmidt!
2127
01:29:08,409 --> 01:29:09,643
Old man coming through!
2128
01:29:12,080 --> 01:29:13,347
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
2129
01:29:13,349 --> 01:29:16,416
Brad! Spring break!
2130
01:29:16,418 --> 01:29:17,658
JENKO: Look,
I can't, all right?
2131
01:29:18,586 --> 01:29:20,320
Dude, I got to go.
I got to go.
2132
01:29:20,322 --> 01:29:21,822
This is quite enough.
2133
01:29:21,824 --> 01:29:23,690
You need to let me go
and drop all this.
2134
01:29:25,426 --> 01:29:26,426
Get out of the way!
2135
01:29:30,798 --> 01:29:33,900
Tokyo drift!
2136
01:29:36,137 --> 01:29:38,605
That was way too fast
and pretty...
2137
01:29:38,607 --> 01:29:40,407
Way too...
A little bit too furious.
2138
01:29:40,409 --> 01:29:42,809
Schmidt! Get over here!
I'm handcuffed!
2139
01:29:42,811 --> 01:29:44,444
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL GASP)
2140
01:29:44,446 --> 01:29:46,480
Give it up, asshole!
And nice parking job!
2141
01:29:46,482 --> 01:29:48,081
Fuck! I'll be right back.
2142
01:29:48,083 --> 01:29:49,449
I gotta go.
I'll be right back. Sorry.
2143
01:29:49,451 --> 01:29:51,491
That's a direct order, motherfucker!
Come over here!
2144
01:29:59,927 --> 01:30:01,795
MERCEDES: You are
so old and weak!
2145
01:30:01,797 --> 01:30:04,131
Drop the fucking gun!
Seriously!
2146
01:30:04,133 --> 01:30:05,693
MERCEDES: Get your
wrinkly hands off me!
2147
01:30:10,071 --> 01:30:11,204
Where the hell have you been?
2148
01:30:11,206 --> 01:30:12,539
Looking for you.
2149
01:30:12,541 --> 01:30:14,207
I've been running like crazy!
2150
01:30:14,209 --> 01:30:15,475
Hey! Hey.
2151
01:30:17,678 --> 01:30:19,546
Want to fight like a man?
2152
01:30:19,548 --> 01:30:21,381
Then you better
fight like two men.
2153
01:30:21,383 --> 01:30:22,383
Hey.
Hey.
2154
01:30:23,351 --> 01:30:25,552
Really? More twins?
2155
01:30:25,554 --> 01:30:26,554
(GRUNTING)
2156
01:30:28,656 --> 01:30:30,023
Get up, old man river!
2157
01:30:30,758 --> 01:30:32,626
Come on!
Hey.
2158
01:30:32,628 --> 01:30:34,127
Get up and hit me,
you fucking pussy!
2159
01:30:34,129 --> 01:30:36,129
I'm not gonna fight
a girl, so just stop!
2160
01:30:36,131 --> 01:30:37,497
It shouldn't matter.
2161
01:30:37,499 --> 01:30:39,499
If you thought of me as a
person instead of a woman,
2162
01:30:39,501 --> 01:30:41,181
you would hit me and
not feel bad about it.
2163
01:30:42,904 --> 01:30:44,571
Okay.
Bring it!
2164
01:30:44,573 --> 01:30:46,106
I'm ready.
2165
01:30:46,108 --> 01:30:47,641
It's on now, dawg.
2166
01:30:48,142 --> 01:30:49,443
Girl fight.
2167
01:30:50,144 --> 01:30:51,511
(BOTH GRUNT)
2168
01:30:51,513 --> 01:30:53,847
Oh. Oh.
Oh, my God.
2169
01:30:53,849 --> 01:30:55,415
Is there blood in my eye? Oh, my God.
Are you all right?
2170
01:30:55,417 --> 01:30:56,850
I think there's blood in my eye.
2171
01:30:56,852 --> 01:30:58,452
Fucking learn how to hit!
2172
01:30:58,454 --> 01:30:59,454
(GRUNTS)
2173
01:31:00,388 --> 01:31:02,088
That's a little better!
2174
01:31:02,090 --> 01:31:04,250
That's a little better, motherfucker!
Come on! Come on!
2175
01:31:04,625 --> 01:31:05,659
(GRUNTS)
2176
01:31:07,862 --> 01:31:09,963
No! No!
What?
2177
01:31:09,965 --> 01:31:11,898
What were you doing?
What am I doing?
2178
01:31:11,900 --> 01:31:13,166
Why'd you try to kiss me?
2179
01:31:13,168 --> 01:31:14,334
I didn't fucking
try and kiss you!
2180
01:31:14,336 --> 01:31:16,536
Yes, you did.
Ooh, you're so weird!
2181
01:31:16,538 --> 01:31:18,371
You're fucking
Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing me.
2182
01:31:18,373 --> 01:31:19,873
I'm not
Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing you.
2183
01:31:19,875 --> 01:31:21,241
This wasn't a sexy fight.
2184
01:31:21,243 --> 01:31:23,543
Oh, like you haven't wanted
to kiss me the whole time.
2185
01:31:23,545 --> 01:31:25,879
I never once wanted to kiss you!
2186
01:31:25,881 --> 01:31:27,747
Never! No!
2187
01:31:27,749 --> 01:31:28,849
You just did it again!
Stop it! Stop!
2188
01:31:28,851 --> 01:31:30,383
You're making a face
that is sexy!
2189
01:31:30,385 --> 01:31:32,185
I don't even want to kiss you!
2190
01:31:32,187 --> 01:31:33,553
Then stop trying!
2191
01:31:33,555 --> 01:31:34,988
You keep trying!
2192
01:31:34,990 --> 01:31:36,623
I've never tried to kiss you.
2193
01:31:36,625 --> 01:31:37,557
You gave me kiss me eyes.
2194
01:31:37,559 --> 01:31:38,959
No, I didn't.
2195
01:31:38,961 --> 01:31:40,794
The eyes were I just got
punched in the face eyes.
2196
01:31:40,796 --> 01:31:42,062
They weren't kiss me eyes.
2197
01:31:42,064 --> 01:31:43,296
I don't even like you!
2198
01:31:43,298 --> 01:31:45,065
Neither do I,
so stop kissing me!
2199
01:31:45,067 --> 01:31:46,199
Okay!
2200
01:31:47,435 --> 01:31:49,202
No! You're leaning
in again!
2201
01:31:49,204 --> 01:31:50,737
I didn't know if we were
gonna punch or kiss!
2202
01:31:50,739 --> 01:31:52,239
You're making this
so uncomfortable.
2203
01:31:52,241 --> 01:31:55,108
This is the most uncomfortable
fistfight I've ever been in.
2204
01:31:55,110 --> 01:31:56,643
I'm gonna give you an out by
punching you in the face.
2205
01:31:56,645 --> 01:31:58,111
Okay?
Okay.
2206
01:31:58,113 --> 01:31:59,813
And then we're gonna
go back to fighting
2207
01:31:59,815 --> 01:32:01,081
and we'll pretend
this never happened,
2208
01:32:01,083 --> 01:32:02,148
'cause I feel so awkward.
2209
01:32:03,084 --> 01:32:04,084
(GRUNTS)
2210
01:32:06,053 --> 01:32:07,053
(CHEERING)
2211
01:32:17,565 --> 01:32:18,932
I want to see you get crazy!
2212
01:32:24,338 --> 01:32:25,338
Whoo!
2213
01:32:47,461 --> 01:32:48,461
(VOMITING)
2214
01:32:50,898 --> 01:32:52,799
I fucking hate spring break!
2215
01:32:56,003 --> 01:32:57,270
Fuck!
2216
01:32:57,272 --> 01:32:58,272
Ow!
2217
01:33:02,843 --> 01:33:04,344
Are you kidding me?
It's plastic.
2218
01:33:04,346 --> 01:33:05,979
Doesn't even hurt!
Okay...
2219
01:33:05,981 --> 01:33:07,581
This isn't the spring
break you imagined?
2220
01:33:08,082 --> 01:33:09,115
How about this?
You want a little fun?
2221
01:33:09,117 --> 01:33:10,216
What is that?
2222
01:33:10,218 --> 01:33:11,518
Get wet, baby!
2223
01:33:11,520 --> 01:33:13,186
So much lube in my face!
2224
01:33:14,422 --> 01:33:15,589
Oh.
2225
01:33:15,591 --> 01:33:17,057
Lube on my face.
2226
01:33:20,161 --> 01:33:22,729
You're so violent!
2227
01:33:22,731 --> 01:33:24,831
Get off me unless
you're gonna fuck me!
2228
01:33:24,833 --> 01:33:26,099
I'm not gonna fuck you!
2229
01:33:26,101 --> 01:33:27,767
Are we gonna fuck?
No, we're not!
2230
01:33:27,769 --> 01:33:29,035
Is that what's happening?
2231
01:33:29,037 --> 01:33:30,637
No! I'm not gonna
fuck you, ever!
2232
01:33:30,639 --> 01:33:32,072
Get off!
2233
01:33:40,548 --> 01:33:41,715
Hey!
2234
01:33:42,483 --> 01:33:43,683
Hey!
2235
01:33:43,685 --> 01:33:44,918
(PEOPLE GASP)
2236
01:33:44,920 --> 01:33:46,453
What? What are
you gonna do?
2237
01:33:46,455 --> 01:33:48,655
Choke me with your
liver-spotted hands?
2238
01:33:48,657 --> 01:33:50,423
You gonna push me over
with your Walker?
2239
01:33:50,425 --> 01:33:52,025
I'm impressed you
caught up to me.
2240
01:33:52,027 --> 01:33:53,326
You probably
haven't run that fast
2241
01:33:53,328 --> 01:33:54,794
since you played
stickball in the field
2242
01:33:54,796 --> 01:33:56,696
behind old pop
Wiggleby's sweet shop.
2243
01:33:57,598 --> 01:33:59,366
Freeze, bitch.
Oh, thank God.
2244
01:33:59,368 --> 01:34:01,935
Look who got off
the motherfucking leash.
2245
01:34:01,937 --> 01:34:03,370
Now who's the damsel in distress?
SCHMIDT: Fuck!
2246
01:34:03,372 --> 01:34:05,772
Well, I guess it's him.
2247
01:34:05,774 --> 01:34:06,940
I don't have
a clean shot, Schmidt.
2248
01:34:06,942 --> 01:34:08,208
Then don't take the shot!
2249
01:34:08,210 --> 01:34:10,276
Maybe I want to
take a dirty shot.
2250
01:34:10,278 --> 01:34:12,412
Kind of like the dirty shot
you took on my daughter.
2251
01:34:12,414 --> 01:34:15,649
I didn't take a dirty shot
on your daughter, okay?
2252
01:34:15,651 --> 01:34:18,385
We talked a lot, and we
care about each other.
2253
01:34:18,387 --> 01:34:20,053
All the good qualities you have,
2254
01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:21,988
I can feel inside of Maya.
2255
01:34:21,990 --> 01:34:23,223
I'm gonna take the shot.
2256
01:34:23,225 --> 01:34:24,924
Don't take the shot.
2257
01:34:24,926 --> 01:34:26,192
I can shoot right
through your shoulder,
2258
01:34:26,194 --> 01:34:27,794
hit the bitch
right in the chest.
2259
01:34:27,796 --> 01:34:29,629
Don't take the shot.
I'm taking the shot.
2260
01:34:29,631 --> 01:34:30,864
I'll take the fucking shot.
2261
01:34:30,866 --> 01:34:32,465
Nobody take the shot before me.
2262
01:34:32,467 --> 01:34:34,300
MERCEDES: How about we take it at
the same time? No one take a shot.
2263
01:34:34,302 --> 01:34:35,902
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
2264
01:34:38,973 --> 01:34:41,041
Shit! You have the right
to remain silent...
2265
01:34:41,043 --> 01:34:42,375
DICKSON: No, no, no,
I got this.
2266
01:34:42,377 --> 01:34:44,144
You go handle the ghost.
He's on the roof.
2267
01:34:44,146 --> 01:34:45,712
I'm on it.
I got it.
2268
01:34:45,714 --> 01:34:47,814
DICKSON: What you looking at?
Oh!
2269
01:34:47,816 --> 01:34:49,315
Good job on the cuffs,
baby girl.
2270
01:34:55,823 --> 01:34:57,390
(PANTING)
2271
01:34:57,392 --> 01:34:59,092
So many fucking stairs.
2272
01:35:04,799 --> 01:35:07,067
It's me! It's me!
Shit.
2273
01:35:07,069 --> 01:35:08,101
(CHUCKLES) You made it, dude.
Did you get Mercedes?
2274
01:35:08,903 --> 01:35:10,403
Yeah. All by myself.
2275
01:35:10,405 --> 01:35:12,138
Really?
2276
01:35:12,140 --> 01:35:14,741
Mainly by myself.
Okay.
2277
01:35:14,743 --> 01:35:16,676
And, dude, you were right,
that lambo...
2278
01:35:16,678 --> 01:35:18,078
Just can't hear that right now.
2279
01:35:18,080 --> 01:35:19,612
It's a shitty-made car.
It's not good.
2280
01:35:19,614 --> 01:35:20,880
Hey, let's go.
We got to go.
2281
01:35:20,882 --> 01:35:22,082
How many bullets you got left?
2282
01:35:22,550 --> 01:35:24,350
None.
2283
01:35:24,352 --> 01:35:25,632
Act like you have bullets, then.
2284
01:35:32,626 --> 01:35:33,927
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
2285
01:35:36,697 --> 01:35:38,465
We gotta go!
2286
01:35:38,467 --> 01:35:39,587
We have to wait for pudding!
2287
01:35:46,440 --> 01:35:49,142
Jenko!
2288
01:36:01,122 --> 01:36:02,188
Go, go!
2289
01:36:04,258 --> 01:36:05,558
(GRUNTS)
2290
01:36:05,560 --> 01:36:07,227
Here, take this.
Okay.
2291
01:36:07,229 --> 01:36:08,328
I tried to take
a bullet for you, man.
2292
01:36:08,330 --> 01:36:09,696
Yeah. But you didn't.
2293
01:36:09,698 --> 01:36:11,731
But I tried. It's the
thought that matters.
2294
01:36:11,733 --> 01:36:12,899
No, it's not
the thought that counts.
2295
01:36:12,901 --> 01:36:14,141
It's fucking taking the bullet.
2296
01:36:18,372 --> 01:36:19,506
Cover me.
I'm gonna go long.
2297
01:36:20,141 --> 01:36:21,241
Okay.
2298
01:36:27,181 --> 01:36:28,181
(CLICKS)
2299
01:36:37,892 --> 01:36:38,958
(GRUNTS)
2300
01:36:45,332 --> 01:36:48,034
Bye-bye, Terminator!
2301
01:37:01,949 --> 01:37:03,583
Hey! Get off
of my chopper!
2302
01:37:04,618 --> 01:37:06,186
Can you shake him off?
2303
01:37:06,188 --> 01:37:08,555
I'm coming for you,
motherfucker!
2304
01:37:08,557 --> 01:37:10,637
GHOST: Come on, just wiggle
the stick back and forth!
2305
01:37:12,026 --> 01:37:13,459
He's only got one arm!
2306
01:37:13,461 --> 01:37:15,295
I only need one arm to
punch you in the dick.
2307
01:37:16,964 --> 01:37:18,164
Shake him off! Shake him off!
2308
01:37:18,866 --> 01:37:20,366
Don't be a pussy!
2309
01:37:49,763 --> 01:37:50,763
(SCREAMS)
2310
01:37:52,366 --> 01:37:53,933
Holy shit!
2311
01:37:53,935 --> 01:37:55,835
SCHMIDT: I did it!
2312
01:37:55,837 --> 01:37:57,604
I look so fucking badass!
2313
01:37:57,606 --> 01:37:58,705
Oh, my God, you flew!
2314
01:37:58,707 --> 01:37:59,772
This is crazy!
2315
01:37:59,774 --> 01:38:00,974
You made the leap, man!
2316
01:38:00,976 --> 01:38:02,342
Why'd you do that?
2317
01:38:02,344 --> 01:38:04,010
SCHMIDT: 'Cause you did it!
2318
01:38:04,012 --> 01:38:05,411
I couldn't leave
you hanging, man!
2319
01:38:05,413 --> 01:38:06,746
What are you talking about?
I was fine. I had it.
2320
01:38:06,748 --> 01:38:07,748
You weren't...
2321
01:38:13,554 --> 01:38:15,088
(GRUNTING)
2322
01:38:15,090 --> 01:38:17,023
I got you!
Shit! Schmidt!
2323
01:38:17,025 --> 01:38:18,191
I got you!
2324
01:38:18,193 --> 01:38:19,392
You saved my life!
2325
01:38:19,960 --> 01:38:20,994
(SCHMIDT YELLS)
2326
01:38:29,670 --> 01:38:30,670
(CHEERING)
2327
01:38:31,639 --> 01:38:33,907
I just realized something.
2328
01:38:33,909 --> 01:38:35,842
You don't hold me down, man.
2329
01:38:35,844 --> 01:38:37,076
You lift me up.
2330
01:38:37,078 --> 01:38:39,579
Literally and figuratively.
2331
01:38:39,581 --> 01:38:40,621
Yeah, I know.
I meant both.
2332
01:38:41,482 --> 01:38:43,349
You don't drag me down,
either, man.
2333
01:38:43,351 --> 01:38:44,984
I mean, except right now.
2334
01:38:44,986 --> 01:38:47,420
You're dragging me down.
You're really heavy.
2335
01:38:47,422 --> 01:38:49,455
Hey, listen, there's
a grenade in my shorts.
2336
01:38:49,457 --> 01:38:50,690
Can you reach it?
2337
01:38:50,692 --> 01:38:52,358
You gotta go in from underneath.
2338
01:38:52,360 --> 01:38:53,459
Oh, shit!
2339
01:38:57,064 --> 01:38:58,498
Is that it?
That's my dick.
2340
01:38:58,500 --> 01:38:59,699
What about that?
2341
01:38:59,701 --> 01:39:00,701
That's my dick also.
2342
01:39:01,001 --> 01:39:02,502
(SCHMIDT YELLS)
2343
01:39:02,504 --> 01:39:04,337
Why is it hard?
2344
01:39:04,339 --> 01:39:06,406
I have so much
adrenaline right now!
2345
01:39:06,408 --> 01:39:08,141
JENKO: Is that it? (LAUGHING)
You're tickling me.
2346
01:39:08,143 --> 01:39:09,409
I can't find it!
2347
01:39:09,411 --> 01:39:10,411
That's it! Grab it!
2348
01:39:12,046 --> 01:39:13,212
Yes!
2349
01:39:13,214 --> 01:39:14,914
No, I got it in my mouth.
2350
01:39:14,916 --> 01:39:16,215
Say something cool
when you throw it!
2351
01:39:16,217 --> 01:39:18,184
One, two, three!
2352
01:39:20,054 --> 01:39:22,221
Something cool!
2353
01:39:27,628 --> 01:39:28,628
They're gone!
2354
01:39:29,930 --> 01:39:31,564
Oh, I feel so...
2355
01:39:37,871 --> 01:39:39,138
Whoo-hoo!
2356
01:39:39,907 --> 01:39:41,174
(CHEERING)
2357
01:40:06,567 --> 01:40:07,867
We did it!
2358
01:40:07,869 --> 01:40:09,035
Dude, fuck, I'm... ow!
2359
01:40:09,037 --> 01:40:11,070
Oh! Shit, sorry.
2360
01:40:11,072 --> 01:40:12,405
Dude, I miss you so much, man.
2361
01:40:12,407 --> 01:40:13,906
I miss you, too.
2362
01:40:13,908 --> 01:40:15,808
You were like a tiny
little flower seed
2363
01:40:15,810 --> 01:40:18,411
and I was clenching you
in my fist.
2364
01:40:18,413 --> 01:40:20,880
But a flower,
it can't grow in a fist.
2365
01:40:20,882 --> 01:40:24,217
A little seed needs to fly
away free and find its soil.
2366
01:40:24,219 --> 01:40:27,253
Yeah, I know. I tried to soil
myself and, dude, I didn't like it.
2367
01:40:27,255 --> 01:40:29,489
I wanted a relationship
without friction.
2368
01:40:29,491 --> 01:40:31,591
Dude, you need friction
to create fire.
2369
01:40:31,593 --> 01:40:34,360
And that's what we have,
we have fire.
2370
01:40:34,362 --> 01:40:36,596
Dude, I'm in.
I'm all in.
2371
01:40:36,598 --> 01:40:38,097
Thank God.
2372
01:40:38,099 --> 01:40:40,933
Dude, this is what I've always wanted.
Just me and you, buddy.
2373
01:40:40,935 --> 01:40:42,335
I love you.
2374
01:40:42,337 --> 01:40:43,703
Me, too, man.
I love you, man.
2375
01:40:44,505 --> 01:40:45,505
(ALL CHEERING)
2376
01:40:46,640 --> 01:40:48,441
You know what?
2377
01:40:48,443 --> 01:40:49,763
That's who he should
be with, man.
2378
01:40:51,478 --> 01:40:53,746
What?
2379
01:40:53,748 --> 01:40:55,715
Hey, what'd you say when you
threw the grenade up there?
2380
01:40:55,717 --> 01:40:56,883
(LAUGHS) I said, something cool.
2381
01:40:56,885 --> 01:40:58,384
What did you say?
2382
01:40:58,386 --> 01:41:00,153
It was something cool.
No, but what'd you say?
2383
01:41:00,155 --> 01:41:01,635
Yeah, I know.
I said, something cool.
2384
01:41:04,491 --> 01:41:07,226
I didn't expect spring
break to be this stinky.
2385
01:41:07,228 --> 01:41:09,362
It's pretty gross.
2386
01:41:09,364 --> 01:41:12,065
Man, we're getting
too old for this shit.
2387
01:41:12,067 --> 01:41:14,667
We started off
too old for this shit.
2388
01:41:14,669 --> 01:41:16,669
(CHUCKLING) You ain't
lying about that.
2389
01:41:19,273 --> 01:41:23,176
Dude, we're even about the
arm thing, okay? Right?
2390
01:41:23,178 --> 01:41:24,277
What? What do you want to do?
(LAUGHS)
2391
01:41:24,279 --> 01:41:25,545
Don't move.
Fuck. All right.
2392
01:41:25,547 --> 01:41:27,346
Just get it over with, all right?
Don't move.
2393
01:41:27,348 --> 01:41:28,781
One...
Just graze my arm.
2394
01:41:28,783 --> 01:41:30,416
I don't want you to hit the bone.
...Two,
2395
01:41:30,418 --> 01:41:32,151
three.
(BULLET RICOCHETS)
2396
01:41:32,153 --> 01:41:34,120
Fuck! Fuck!
Shit!
2397
01:41:34,122 --> 01:41:35,688
Oh, my God, are you all right?
Shit!
2398
01:41:35,690 --> 01:41:37,723
Why, man? Why am I always
getting hurt around you?
2399
01:41:37,725 --> 01:41:38,825
Jenko, what are you doing?
JENKO: Oh, fuck you.
2400
01:41:38,827 --> 01:41:40,693
Fuck you, Schmidt.
Stop dicking around.
2401
01:41:40,695 --> 01:41:42,962
Hey, cap.
Congratulations, you two.
2402
01:41:42,964 --> 01:41:45,731
You managed to un-fuck up the
situation you originally fucked up.
2403
01:41:45,733 --> 01:41:47,233
Thanks.
2404
01:41:47,235 --> 01:41:48,601
I wish you can
un-fuck my daughter,
2405
01:41:48,603 --> 01:41:50,470
but I'm gonna let
that be the past.
2406
01:41:50,472 --> 01:41:52,939
Now, for your next mission,
2407
01:41:52,941 --> 01:41:56,008
you two sons of bitches
are going to medical school.
2408
01:41:56,010 --> 01:41:57,477
What?
2409
01:41:57,479 --> 01:41:58,511
(YELLING)
(GUNS FIRING)
2410
01:42:07,588 --> 01:42:09,755
This time,
foreign exchange students.
2411
01:42:09,757 --> 01:42:10,823
Awesome.
Yes!
2412
01:42:10,825 --> 01:42:11,825
In Russia.
2413
01:42:12,192 --> 01:42:13,226
What?
2414
01:42:15,129 --> 01:42:16,229
Do svidanya.
2415
01:42:16,231 --> 01:42:17,497
Vodka soda.
2416
01:42:22,736 --> 01:42:25,238
Next assignment.
A semester at sea.
2417
01:42:38,185 --> 01:42:41,487
You two sons of bitches
are going to culinary school.
2418
01:42:41,489 --> 01:42:42,822
There's a microchip
in this empanada.
2419
01:42:42,824 --> 01:42:44,857
Old family recipe.
2420
01:42:44,859 --> 01:42:46,225
Best to keep it a secret.
2421
01:42:48,428 --> 01:42:49,862
Oh, shit!
2422
01:43:00,174 --> 01:43:01,841
New assignment...
2423
01:43:01,843 --> 01:43:03,563
Cap, does Schmidt look
any different to you?
2424
01:43:04,077 --> 01:43:05,778
DICKSON: No.
That's Schmidt.
2425
01:43:05,780 --> 01:43:07,280
I don't know what you're
talking about, man.
2426
01:43:07,282 --> 01:43:08,381
He look exactly the same to me.
2427
01:43:08,383 --> 01:43:09,949
I got new glasses.
2428
01:43:09,951 --> 01:43:12,618
Yeah, man, he just got some
new glasses, man. God damn.
2429
01:43:12,620 --> 01:43:14,300
(WHISPERING) No one's
gonna fucking notice.
2430
01:43:16,089 --> 01:43:17,523
Let's do this, Schmidt.
2431
01:43:17,525 --> 01:43:20,526
Yeah. Just like we
always do, Jenkins.
2432
01:43:20,528 --> 01:43:22,261
(WHISPERING) It's jenko. Sorry.
2433
01:43:30,537 --> 01:43:33,005
I'm really, really glad
you're back, Schmidt.
2434
01:43:33,007 --> 01:43:34,740
What are you talking about?
What contract dispute?
2435
01:43:34,742 --> 01:43:36,876
I've been here the whole time.
2436
01:43:36,878 --> 01:43:37,877
DICKSON: Man,
shut the fuck up.
2437
01:43:37,879 --> 01:43:39,445
How about a flight academy?
2438
01:43:50,557 --> 01:43:53,793
Undercover just got
a whole lot sexier.
2439
01:44:02,536 --> 01:44:03,836
You're jump street, right?
2440
01:44:03,838 --> 01:44:05,238
Yeah. How the fuck
do you know that?
2441
01:44:05,572 --> 01:44:07,106
I'm booker.
2442
01:44:07,108 --> 01:44:08,608
Oh, shit.
Man, you're a legend.
2443
01:44:15,082 --> 01:44:16,082
Traffic school!
2444
01:44:16,817 --> 01:44:17,850
Military school.
2445
01:44:18,852 --> 01:44:19,852
Scuba class.
2446
01:44:20,754 --> 01:44:21,787
Dance academy.
2447
01:44:21,789 --> 01:44:23,256
Yes.
2448
01:44:23,258 --> 01:44:26,325
Finally something
I'm amazing at.
2449
01:44:26,327 --> 01:44:29,328
♪ Your friends'll be there
When your back is to the wall
2450
01:44:30,163 --> 01:44:31,497
♪ You'll find you need us
2451
01:44:31,499 --> 01:44:33,566
♪ 'cause there's
No one else to call
2452
01:44:33,568 --> 01:44:36,636
DICKSON: You sons of bitches
is gonna be in a video game.
2453
01:44:37,904 --> 01:44:39,105
SCHMIDT: Let's blow shit up.
2454
01:44:39,107 --> 01:44:40,740
JENKO: Jump street style.
2455
01:44:40,742 --> 01:44:42,508
♪ We out of control
all over the place
2456
01:44:42,510 --> 01:44:44,510
♪ And somebody gotta
Put it to a stop, quick
2457
01:44:44,512 --> 01:44:46,512
♪ Out on the road
All up in your face
2458
01:44:46,514 --> 01:44:49,382
JENKO: Get ready for a lifetime
of being badass motherfuckers.
2459
01:44:49,384 --> 01:44:52,018
SCHMIDT: It's inking in my mouth!
2460
01:44:52,020 --> 01:44:53,340
DICKSON: Don't fuck
my daughter.
2461
01:44:54,688 --> 01:44:55,688
♪♪♪
2462
01:44:57,691 --> 01:44:59,492
(SIRENS BLARING)
2463
01:44:59,494 --> 01:45:02,662
♪ They're the jump street and
'bout to jump up in your ass
2464
01:45:02,664 --> 01:45:05,965
♪ This the special unit that's
Designed to keep it quiet
2465
01:45:05,967 --> 01:45:09,969
♪ We infiltrate the dealers
And we find the damn suppliers
2466
01:45:09,971 --> 01:45:13,205
♪ Don't need permission
to decide what you believe
2467
01:45:13,207 --> 01:45:16,042
♪ Say jump,
Jumping down on jump street
2468
01:45:16,044 --> 01:45:17,610
All right, new assignment.
2469
01:45:18,178 --> 01:45:19,779
Six hours of makeup?
2470
01:45:20,947 --> 01:45:22,348
We're getting too old
for this shit.
2471
01:45:22,350 --> 01:45:23,350
(CHUCKLING) Nice.
2472
01:45:23,817 --> 01:45:25,284
♪♪♪
2473
01:45:25,286 --> 01:45:26,652
♪ Wait, we just here
trying to find us
2474
01:45:26,654 --> 01:45:28,354
♪ Schmidt went lookin',
till he found love
2475
01:45:28,356 --> 01:45:30,222
♪ Got his life sweet,
bon appetit
2476
01:45:30,224 --> 01:45:31,924
♪ Spring break, bitch,
throw a party on the beach
2477
01:45:31,926 --> 01:45:33,693
♪ Shit did change,
but all that means
2478
01:45:33,695 --> 01:45:35,495
♪ Is that your real friends
don't ever leave
2479
01:45:35,796 --> 01:45:37,396
♪ Will it ever be complete?
2480
01:45:37,398 --> 01:45:38,998
♪ Jump street won't ever cease
2481
01:45:39,000 --> 01:45:40,800
♪ Ever cease ever cease
2482
01:45:40,802 --> 01:45:42,668
♪ Ever cease ever cease
2483
01:45:42,670 --> 01:45:44,470
♪ Ever cease ever cease
2484
01:45:44,472 --> 01:45:45,971
♪ Ever cease ever cease
2485
01:45:45,973 --> 01:45:47,807
♪ Ever cease ever cease
2486
01:45:47,809 --> 01:45:49,008
♪ Ever cease ever cease ♪
2487
01:45:52,646 --> 01:45:54,447
BOTH: Something cool!
2488
01:46:02,756 --> 01:46:04,523
♪♪♪
2489
01:46:04,525 --> 01:46:07,360
♪ We're gonna live forever
2490
01:46:10,597 --> 01:46:13,799
♪ We're gonna live forever
2491
01:46:13,801 --> 01:46:16,635
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2492
01:46:16,637 --> 01:46:19,638
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2493
01:46:19,640 --> 01:46:22,108
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2494
01:46:25,746 --> 01:46:29,982
♪ Yeah, me and my homie
this is aye
2495
01:46:29,984 --> 01:46:32,985
♪ And it's going down
like a fire drill
2496
01:46:32,987 --> 01:46:35,988
♪ Came a long way,
now we part here
2497
01:46:35,990 --> 01:46:38,791
♪ And we still running shit,
call it diarrhea
2498
01:46:38,793 --> 01:46:40,526
♪ Coming up together
like them good fellas
2499
01:46:40,528 --> 01:46:41,827
♪ Heart through the loop
2500
01:46:41,829 --> 01:46:43,562
♪ Holding down, keep it
real in these streets
2501
01:46:43,564 --> 01:46:45,030
♪ Back to the roof
2502
01:46:45,032 --> 01:46:47,800
♪ Anywhere, anytime I got
your back like a spine
2503
01:46:47,802 --> 01:46:51,070
♪ My homies never left behind
my whole team get to shine
2504
01:46:51,072 --> 01:46:54,039
♪ The world has opened up
that's why we're blowing up
2505
01:46:54,041 --> 01:46:56,976
♪ That's why we rolling up
drinking till we throw up
2506
01:46:56,978 --> 01:47:00,112
♪ The way we get this cheddar,
there ain't nobody better
2507
01:47:00,114 --> 01:47:03,382
♪ Write our names in the sky
'cause we gonna live forever
2508
01:47:03,384 --> 01:47:04,817
♪ Live forever, man
2509
01:47:04,819 --> 01:47:07,686
♪ We're gonna live forever
2510
01:47:10,791 --> 01:47:14,493
♪ We're gonna live forever
2511
01:47:14,495 --> 01:47:16,962
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2512
01:47:16,964 --> 01:47:19,965
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2513
01:47:19,967 --> 01:47:22,568
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2514
01:47:27,374 --> 01:47:30,509
♪ Life of the party,
patron and Bacardi
2515
01:47:30,511 --> 01:47:33,078
♪ Get faded, get sloppy, and
all up in that chick's body
2516
01:47:33,080 --> 01:47:34,780
♪ Came up with
the people that's real
2517
01:47:34,782 --> 01:47:36,015
♪ Ticket to the meal
2518
01:47:36,017 --> 01:47:37,683
♪ Now like it, we all together
2519
01:47:37,685 --> 01:47:39,218
♪ That's just how it is
2520
01:47:39,220 --> 01:47:40,920
♪ I'm throwed like a strike out
2521
01:47:40,922 --> 01:47:42,254
♪ Shine brighter
than a lighthouse
2522
01:47:42,256 --> 01:47:43,656
♪ Bigger than the white house
2523
01:47:43,658 --> 01:47:45,157
♪ Go against my team,
get wiped out
2524
01:47:45,159 --> 01:47:46,559
♪ Got them choppers
like troopers
2525
01:47:46,561 --> 01:47:48,260
♪ Don't make me split your head
2526
01:47:48,262 --> 01:47:50,930
♪ My lil' homie left up here,
He'll smoke ya like a cig
2527
01:47:52,966 --> 01:47:55,835
♪ We're gonna live forever
2528
01:47:59,039 --> 01:48:02,541
♪ We're gonna live forever
2529
01:48:02,543 --> 01:48:05,177
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2530
01:48:05,179 --> 01:48:08,147
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2531
01:48:08,149 --> 01:48:10,850
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2532
01:48:41,481 --> 01:48:44,550
♪ We're gonna live forever
2533
01:48:47,454 --> 01:48:50,623
♪ We're gonna live forever
2534
01:48:50,625 --> 01:48:53,659
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2535
01:48:53,661 --> 01:48:56,462
♪ We're gonna live for
We're gonna live for
2536
01:48:56,464 --> 01:48:58,998
♪ We're gonna live forever
2537
01:49:02,536 --> 01:49:06,205
♪ We're gonna live forever
2538
01:49:06,207 --> 01:49:07,573
♪ Yeah
2539
01:49:09,342 --> 01:49:10,342
♪ Forever ♪
2540
01:49:16,182 --> 01:49:17,750
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
2541
01:51:37,557 --> 01:51:38,724
Eric.
2542
01:51:40,026 --> 01:51:41,760
Eric, are you awake?
2543
01:51:43,196 --> 01:51:44,196
No.
2544
01:51:45,331 --> 01:51:46,331
I'm late.
185105
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
