Original subtitles

(eerie suspenseful music)

(mysterious music)

(suspenseful music)

(woman gasping)

(suspenseful music)

(woman screaming)

(woman gasping)

(weed whacker whirring)

(woman screaming)

(record scratches)

- A weed whacker?

I'm supposed to be terrified of some putz

with a weed whacker?

- What, you think those things aren't dangerous?

Hey, I got hit by one of those things once,

and I'm telling you, it hurt.

- What happened to the chainsaw?

When we were shooting it, Igor was holding a chainsaw.

- Well, Frank thought the whole chainsaw thing

was overdone, you know, so we did a reshoot.

- Oh, okay, a reshoot.

All right, and are we gonna reshoot the scene

where I'm fighting them off?

And let's see, what shall I use,

a leaf blower, a water pick?

God, what is wrong with you guys?

You don't have any sense of credibility.

You know, just once, just once,

I would like to be in a film that is not

a complete and utter fucking embarrassment.

I'm not asking for Shakespeare.

I'm not asking for Anton Chekhov.

I'm not even asking for David freaking Mamet.

I just once would like to be in a film

that doesn't make me cringe at the thought

of people actually watching it.

I would settle for Stephen fucking King, for Christ's sake.

- Stephen King is a god.

- Stephen King is an overpaid third-rate hack.

But even he could fart out a better script

than the shit they have me doing.

And another thing, it's like, can't I just do one movie

where I don't have to get naked?

God, did you see the fucking trailer

from the last film that I did?

There's not one shot of me wearing clothing,

not one fucking shot!

It's like my characters have this mutant skin

that just repels fabric or something.

- Yeah.

- Oh, whipe that smirk off your face, you little pervert.

- But Rebecca, that's what your fans pay to see.

- My fans?

God.

My fans.

My fans.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're out there, all right.

Legions of them, thousands and thousands

of pathetic, pimple-faced virgins

cooped up in Mommy's basement,

sitting in front of the TV screen

with the remote in one hand and their...

Well.

At least they're not breeding.

- You've been working too hard.

- Yeah, no shit.

Eight films alone last year.

- Some of them took almost a week to shoot.

I think you need to talk to Frank.

- Yeah, talk to Frank.

- You should, tell him everything you told me.

He'll understand.

He's always saying like, we're family around here.

- You know, maybe you're right.

Yeah, maybe I should talk to Frank.

Maybe it's time that he realized

whose talents really pay the bills around here.

Okay, Frank.

Let's talk.

- How the hell did she know?

- I'm telling you, Gaylord, we have no other choice.

I mean, we all love Rebecca.

- Yeah.

- I mean, it's not like it's anything personal, you know?

- Business is business, Frank.

- Exactly. Business is business.

She'll understand that.

- [Man] Hey Rebbecca, can you help me...

(objects crashing)

- Oh!

Rebecca, sweetheart!

Just the person I wanted to see.

- Yeah, that's what you think.

- Is there something wrong?

- Yeah, Frank, we need to talk.

- Yes darling, I'm afraid we do.

- You're firing me?!

- No one ever said "fired."

We simply decided not to pick up your option, that's all.

- Which means that you're firing me!

- Could you look at it a little bit more positively?

Think of it as an extended vacation.

- Without pay.

- I can't believe this shit.

You know, I made this company.

This whole studio was built on Rebecca Raven.

- Rebecca Raven is our creation.

You Ethel Kaminski, from Cleveland,

straight outta high school doing nudie photographs

in hotel rooms.

- Okay.

Fine.

And who are you gonna get to replace me, huh?

Who are you gonna get to star in your little

slasher fantasies now, huh?

Carly Foche?

Oh my god.

Oh, that's it, isn't it?

You're fucking dumping me for that silicone mutant?

- You make it sound so sleazy.

- What does she have that I haven't got, huh?

- I can think of two things.

- It's all about the tits with you, isn't it, Gaylord?

- Yeah.

- We offered to pay for the surgery.

- Oh, fuck the surgery, Frank.

You're such a sleazeball!

Fuck the surgery, fuck you and your little dick-ass studio,

but most of all, fuck you, Frank.

Fuck you!

God!

You know, this place has held me back long enough.

I could have been a real actress taking real roles

if you hadn't shoved me into all those T and A fests!

That's it, it's over, I'm finally free.

I'm gonna go do real movies and your company

is going to shrivel up and die without me!

You are nothing without me!

God!

So long, losers.

And in case I failed to mention it earlier, fuck you!

- You know, that didn't go anywhere near as bad

as I thought it would.

- [Woman] Wow you really said those things?

And then just walked right out.

Quit.

Wow.

- Yeah, well, I should have done it a long time ago.

- So cool.

Now you can do real movies.

Rebecca Raven will be the biggest star in Hollywood.

- Actually, no.

The studio owns the name Rebecca Raven.

And they've already handed it over to somebody else,

and she's 16 years old.

- Is that even legal?

- I hope not.

I would love to see those dudes get busted for kiddie porn.

Let them take it up the ass for a while.

- So what now?

- Now?

I'm on vacation.

(woman chuckling)

- [Woman] Wow.

So, oh. - It's cool, right?

- Yeah.

It's so empty.

I would go crazy in a place like this.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

- Yeah, well, no sweaty fans or dirtbag producers.

I think I'll be just fine.

And I can't wait to be alone.

- Gee, thanks.

- Oh, come on, you know what I mean.

Just really need time for myself.

- Yeah, yeah.

How much are you paying for this place?

It must be really expensive.

- The realtor was so amazed anybody was interested,

he practically gave it away.

- Uh-oh, you know what that means.

There's probably like bodies buried

under the stairs or something.

- No, I think that only happens in crappy movies.

The kind I don't do anymore.

Okay, so remember what you promised.

You don't know where I am, you don't know

how to get in touch with me.

I don't want any prank calls, I don't want

anybody dropping by, I don't care how important

they say it is.

- Is there a number here in case I need to reach you?

- No, I had the phone shut off.

- What if something happens to you?

- What's gonna happen to me?

- This is kinda scaring me, Becky.

- Becky?

My family calls me Ethie, the studio calls me Rebecca.

You're the only one who's ever called me Becky.

You're so cute.

Come here.

I'll see you in two weeks, okay?

I'll be fine.

- Okay.

Two weeks. - Not a day sooner.

- All right. - Okay, love you.

- Love you too.

Bye.

(engine rumbling)

* Oh, Rebecca Raven's gone away *

* Do-da, do-da

* Rebecca Raven's gone away

* I hope she rots in hell

- Looking good, pally.

(zipper unzips)

- Frank. - Jesus Christ!

- Sorry, Frank.

You all right?

- Aside from the fact that my left testicle

is stuck in my zipper, I'm grand.

How may I help you?

- We got a problem.

- What's the problem?

- It's about Carly Fuche.

- Ah, Carly Fuche.

You know, she's just what we need, Gaylord.

She's got everything that Rebecca had,

except it's in a newer package.

Got a great body, she's got great tits.

She's young, she's talented-

- She's in jail.

- What? - In jail.

- What for?

- Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

- Go on, you intrigued me.

- She was at a concert and she offered

to fellate someone for some pot.

- Inflate someone?

- Close enough.

It was a cop.

- An undercover cop.

Those slimy, sneaky, Nazi bastards.

- He was in uniform.

- He was in...

You know, just once I would like to (zipper zips)

meet an actress that has some brains in her fucking head.

- Good luck.

- This is a disaster.

We've already pre-sold her first three pictures.

- We're gonna have to get somebody else.

- Oh, no shit, Sherlock.

- I'm gonna go call Rebecca.

- No, this town is crawling with out of work actresses.

We'll find someone in 15 minutes.

Too old.

Too fat.

Too ugly.

No tits.

Hey, wait a minute.

This one's not too bad.

She's kind of goofy looking, but she's got something,

you know what I mean?

Wonder if she gets naked.

- No, she doesn't.

That's Julia Roberts.

- What are you wasting my time with her for?

Oh shit, this is hopeless.

We're never gonna find anybody.

- Hey, wait a second, I recognize this girl.

I worked with her on picture a year ago.

- Oh, from your thespian days?

- Yeah, but she's good.

She's got talent.

She's got no attitude.

- I don't know.

- I hear she just got a boob job.

- You got a copy of that film?

- I gave you a copy of that film a year ago.

Didn't you watch it?

Fine, fine.

I got another one on my desk.

(film beeping)

(eerie music)

- It's a goddamn space movie! - So?

- [Frank] Can we fast forward to the chick?

- [Gaylord] It's a good movie, Frank, you'll like it.

- I hate movies. - It shows.

(eerie music)

(spaceships roaring)

(person laughing)

(siren wailing)

- [Man] Pull over, I repeat, pull over.

You are in a restricted area.

Do not attempt to escape.

(lasers blasting)

This is your last warning.

Surrender now or be destroyed.

I repeat.

Oh shit.

Oh shit, he's going into hyperspace.

- [Man] Follow him!

- [Man] We can't follow into hyperspace, idiot.

That's great, that's just great.

That's gonna look terrific on our report.

- [Man] I told you to follow him.

- [Man] I told you you can't follow him.

You're such an asshole.

(insects chirping)

(spaceship crashing)

(steam hissing)

(alien groaning and muttering)

(birds chirping)

- Like I didn't see the others?

There she is.

Don't worry, baby.

I won't let them take you away from me.

- [Miss Crest] Mr. Callahan, this is Miss Crest

from the Summit National Bank.

I'm calling concerning the outstanding balance

on your account.

As you know, you're overdrawn in the amount of $3000.

- [Callahan] Shut up.

- Hey Callahan, this is Ernie.

Listen, I just wanted to give you a heads up.

We tried to smooth things over down at the club,

but I don't know, may have to get yourself a lawyer.

I know the bouncer was being a dick,

but he didn't have to get that rough with him.

Don't be surprised if the cops...

- Pussy.

- [Miss Crest] Don't think you can hide, Mr. Callahan.

I've been there twice and I'll keep coming back

until I find you.

Do you understand?

Now it's seven times I've been to your dump,

and the only thing you're good at doing

is hiding and stealing...

- [Callahan] Shut up!

- [Miss Crest] Look, all I want is what's mine, all right?

Now if things don't work out personally, fine.

Those things happen, but business is business,

and that money I gave you was a loan.

I have it in writing, and if you haven't paid it back...

- Bitch, bitch, bitch!

Jesus!

The hell does she think she is?

Like I'm gonna run off with her sticking money.

Threatening to get the law on me.

Like that's supposed to scare me?

What is wrong with that bitch?

The hell is her problem?

What the hell is that?

(mysterious music)

I leave the place for a couple days

and people throw all sorts of junk around here!

I'll be some parent paid a bundle for this thing,

and now look at it.

Kids.

Still.

I'll bet it's a collector's item.

I'll bet some dumb schmo will pay a bundle for it on eBay.

Well.

It's mine now.

(Callahan groans)

Jesus.

(Callahan groaning)

Sheesh, must be caught on the ground or something.

I'm gonna have to dig it up.

(alien squeaking)

Must be a squirrel, made a nest in there or something.

(alien muttering)

Jesus.

(electricity buzzing) (Callahan groaning)

You little son of a bitch.

(alien snarling)

(Callahan shouts)

You ugly son of a...

(alien chittering)

Must've left it in the car.

(tense music)

(alien muttering)

(Callahan chuckles)

(alien chuckles)

All right, you little creep.

I've been plugging rats since I was four years old,

I can sure as hell take care of you.

(laser blasting) Whoa!

(gunshots banging)

(laser blasting)

(alien muttering)

(laser blasting)

(gunshots banging)

(alien muttering)

- Didn't know who you were messing with, did ya?

(alien chittering) (laser blasting)

Jesus!

(alien chittering) (lasers blasting)

(gunshot bangs)

(gun clicking)

Great!

(lasers blasting)

Oh, well, you never run out, do ya!

(Callahan muttering)

(mysterious music)

(woman scoffs)

- Figures.

(banging on door)

Callahan, open up!

(banging on door)

Come on, Jed, don't pretend like you're not here,

I saw your truck out front-

- What do you got against me?!

(banging on door)

- Let me in...

(distorted babbling)

(lasers blasting) (woman screams)

What the hell is going on here?!

- Something's trying to kill me.

- So what else is new!

- Stay down!

- Okay, okay, what do you mean

something's trying to kill you?

- Just what I said, are you deaf or something?

Those things painted on?

- Oh, so it isn't a person shooting at you?

- No, it's like some kinda gremlin or something.

(woman laughs)

- Gremlin. - Yes!

Must've come in the ship. - Ship? Okay.

- Looks like a spaceship, only little,

it's only about three feet, I found it this morning.

- Okay, so let me get this straight.

Midget space aliens are trying to kill you.

- That's right!

- Teeny tiny ones.

- Well, I didn't get a good look at it.

I mean, I told you, that the ship was only three...

What, you think I'm making this up?

What the hell did that?!

- Somebody planted a bomb in your office.

I wish I would have thought of that myself.

- You don't believe me, fine.

Walk out that door, go ahead, go!

- Not without a check in my hand.

- What!

- I came for the money you owe me.

- Money?

We're being chased down by little midget aliens

from the planet Bongo, and all you're worried about

is money? - Yes!

- Fine.

Fine!

Check.

Check.

Got a...

Thanks.

- This check is made out for a zillion dollars.

- Interest.

- Oh, very funny.

I have been too damn patient with you,

and you know, to think I once thought

there was a decent human being buried somewhere inside you.

How could I have been so stupid?

- Linda, don't go out there.

- You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

- Linda, don't go out there!

(Callahan grunts)

- Did I hurt you?

- No.

- Too bad!

- Linda, wait.

Linda!

Fine, fine, you know what, get yourself killed.

- For God's sakes, Jed, knock it off,

I'm sick of your bullshit.

There is no peewee space alien.

(laser blasts) (Linda gasps)

- Ooh!

(tense music)

what the hell was that?

- Don't you bastards ever have to reload?!

Come on.

(Linda grunting)

- How's it feel? - It hurts!

How does it feel.

- Let me take a look.

(Linda moans)

- Oh, that's gonna hurt like a bastard.

- What did I just tell you?

Oh God, no, I hate that stuff.

- This isn't a party, you know.

This'll deaden the pain.

- Okay.

- Come on, come on, big swallow.

That's it drink it.

- Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Jed, what are we gonna do?

- We'll wait till those bastards show themselves

and then nail their asses.

- They're gonna blow the house down around us.

- Let 'em come.

- Do you have to be a total idiot all the time?

We need help.

- I don't need anybody's help.

- I do, I've been shot.

I need a doctor.

- You'll be fine.

- Oh, you lousy prick, call an ambulance!

- You know, maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Yeah.

No one's gonna buy a midget aliens,

but they'll buy a shooting victims.

- Oh, well I guess it was lucky I was hit, huh?

- Yeah, good thing.

(electricity buzzing)

- How does it feel?

- What kind of a stupid question is...

Oh yeah, real cute.

Keep it up, I'll feed you those things out there.

- [Linda] Yeah, sure you will.

- Man, messed up the phones.

Totally cocked.

- I have to do everything myself, as usual.

Hello, yes, hi, this is an emergency, I've been shot.

We're at Callahan's Junkyard at four...

What?

Yes, Jed Callahan.

Tell me about it.

But wait, wait, wait, what does it have to do with me?

I need help, I've been shot!

That's better, thank you.

Okay, what the hell did you do to piss them off so bad

where they refuse to send an ambulance

for a woman who's been shot?

- It's a long story.

- Oh, forget it, I'm not interested.

- Feel better?

(Linda muttering)

Just asking, jeez.

It's quiet out there.

- Too quiet.

- That's it, I'm going out there.

Wait, wait, you can't, you'll leave me here by myself?

- You'll be fine. - No, Callahan, you can't.

- Be right back.

- Jed!

Scumbag!

(Linda sighs)

(Linda moans)

I truly hate that man.

(tense music)

(gunshot bangs)

- Hey, who the hell is firing that gun?!

Callahan, I was afraid it was you.

Put that goddamn gun away.

- You just get in here?

- What the hell is going on?

- A woman inside, she got shot.

- You shot a woman?

- 'Course I didn't shoot her.

And this is no time for screwing around.

Will you just get in here?

I'll cover you. - Cover me?

What the heck are you talking about?

Something fishy's going on.

- Would you just get in here!

- All right, but it's against my better judgment.

(electricity buzzing) (man shouts)

- Oh my god, Larry!

- What the hell kind of scum was that?

He could have been killed!

- Well, I didn't do it.

It was them, it was- - Come on.

Come on, can you get up?

Come on, you can do it, come on.

I'll help you.

I'm helping you.

I'm helping you, very good, okay.

There you go.

- Hey, where you going?

Hey, get back here!

There's a woman inside that's hurt!

Don't you guys have an oath or something?

Get back here! Come on, hey!

- Hey, hey! (electricity buzzing)

(siren wailing)

(Callahan groaning)

Always with the voltage.

(alien laughing)

Laughing?

Who's laughing!

(alien laughing)

(gunshots banging)

Come on back, I'll show you some more of this humor!

Blood?

Alien blood.

It isn't even red.

Oh, that's disgusting.

(laser blasting) Whoa!

- What happened?

- I think I shot one of them.

(indistinct), anyways.

I saw blood.

Looked like spider goo.

- Oh, god.

When's the ambulance gonna get here?

- Yeah, I don't think the ambulance is gonna come.

- What?

- Actually, it already came and left.

- What'd you do now?

- What do you mean, what did I do?

Why does everyone always say everything is my fault?

- Because it always is.

- It was the gremlins, they electrified the fence!

- Shit, we're trapped.

- Don't worry.

I'll get us out of this.

- You don't get people out of things,

you get people into things, and it's mostly shit,

and it's mostly deep.

- Will you have a little faith?

- Have a little faith, he said?

You know, I come over here and I try to reason with him,

and I get shot at and I get almost killed by an alien?

And you say "have a little faith."

- The way I see it, they're as afraid of us

as we are of them.

- Wrong!

- Or they would have charged us by now.

So all you have to do is sit here and wait.

Let them get nervous.

We'll let them make the first move.

Huh?

(insects chirping) (tense music)

I don't like this.

They're up to something.

Messing with my stuff.

- So they're picking through your junk, so what?

- It's my stuff.

- Yeah, well 5000 bucks of that stuff is mine

and I'm giving it to them, so shut up.

(mechanical whirring)

Yeah, what's this?

- I don't know.

It's a tuna or chicken salad or something.

(Linda spits)

- [Linda] Starving!

- What do you want me to do about it?!

- [Linda] Well, don't you have anything to eat around here?

- The sandwich.

I'm talking about something from this decade.

- You got a cell phone, why don't you go out for a pizza?

- Oh, you have no idea how much I've missed your wit.

- You have no idea how I've missed your bitchin'.

- What?

What?

- This is not my fault.

I didn't invite you here.

You got yourself into this mess,

so you cannot blame me for this.

(mechanical whirring)

- You're right.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?

What's that supposed to mean?

- It means you're right.

This time it was not your fault.

I got myself into this.

- Shoulder feeling any better?

- Not so bad.

- Let me take a look at it.

You know, I may have some stuff for this.

This is gonna sting at first.

Then it's gonna feel a lot better.

How's it feel?

I know I can be kinda tough to deal with sometimes.

We used to have fund, didn't we?

Especially in the beginning.

I think about those days sometimes.

Usually at night, usually after too many beers.

What about you?

You ever think about the old days?

You ever think about us?

Ever think about getting back together?

(insects chirping) (tense music)

(Linda gasping)

(both spitting)

(electricity buzzing)

Oh, I don't like this one little bit.

Those little bastards are up to something.

- [Linda] Why don't you go check it out?

- They're gonna wait till morning.

(birds chirping)

- Hey, what's going on?

I said what's going on?

- [Jed] Not much.

I haven't heard a sound in hours.

- Maybe they left.

- Not hardly.

- Well, I mean, you don't know that.

They could've left during the night.

- Well, there's only one way to find out.

Go ahead.

I'll cover you.

- Yeah.

Do you see anything? - No.

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

(metal creaking)

Ha!

(metal creaking) (tense music)

Screw this.

We gotta get outta here.

- What happened, what happened?

- No talking, running!

(suspenseful music)

- Wait!

(footsteps booming)

(alien chittering)

- No no no no no!

(electricity buzzing)

You never learn, do you?

- John Wayne, fighting CBs.

- What?

- Distract it.

- What?!

(alien chittering)

(laser blasting)

Okay.

(alien chittering)

That's one dumb monster.

(suspenseful music)

(lasers blasting)

(alien chittering)

(lasers blasting)

(alien chittering)

(electricity buzzing)

- Yeah!

Hosed on your own, what's that word?

(indistinct)

Yeah, whatever!

(electricity buzzing)

Look at it.

I'll bet some egghead scientists will pay

a bundle for this thing.

- Yeah, if the cops don't impound it first.

- What are you doing?

- I'm calling the police.

- No cops.

Cops will screw everything up.

- Jed, this thing almost killed us.

We need to notify the authorities.

- No, Linda, give me the phone.

- Jed, leave me alone.

- Linda, give me the phone!

- Always doing this, ever since we broke up-

- Linda, just give me the phone!

Listen, don't make me hurt you, all right?

- Oh, shit.

(metal creaking)

- You can say that again.

(tense music)

(alien chittering)

(alien laughing)

(explosion booming)

(Linda gasps)

- [Alien] Step away from the robot.

Step away from the robot.

You folks all right?

- Yeah, fine, Officer.

- [Alien] We've been tracing these bums

over half the galaxy.

Real wise guys.

Sensors show only one body inside the ship.

What happened to his partner?

- I plugged him.

- [Alien] Did you now?

Good for you.

That's how we handle troublemakers.

You sure you're gonna be all right?

- Yeah, fine.

Thanks.

- [Alien] All right then.

Have a nice day.

(engine firiing)

- [Jed] That was amazing.

- Yeah.

- For once the cops actually show up when you need 'em.

(dramatic music)

- What the hell was that?

She didn't get naked, not even once.

- So?

- So I'm not gonna hire an actress

without getting a good look at her jugs.

You just wasted my entire afternoon.

I haven't got time for this shit.

- So what are we gonna do?

- I don't know.

When do we start shooting Monday?

- Monday.

- Oh, fuck.

- Our investors are not gonna be happy, Frank.

- Tell me about it.

- Some of those guys it isn't good to piss off.

- Aww, shut up!

Why did Rebecca have to desert me in my hour of need?

I mean, didn't I do everything for her?

Where's the gratitude?

- So you want me to call Rebecca.

- Yeah, no.

Maybe. I don't know.

I have to think about it.

- Hey Frank.

- Yeah.

- What'd you think of my performance?

- You came across surprisingly straight.

- I'm not gay!

(insects chirping) (ominous music)

(fire crackling)

- "On Raising the Dead."

(paper rustling)

"The body was found stabbed through the heart

and drained of blood.

The suspect, a known associate of the victim,

became hysterical as he was taken away,

demanding the police let him perform

the last act of a ritual which would bring

the dead man back to life."

Psycho.

"Victim's body subsequently disappeared

and has not yet been recovered."

Dude.

This is just the type of shit that I'm trying

to get away from.

Nice shot.

So nice to get on dressed without some filming it.

Maybe I'll never shave again.

Yeah, maybe I'll just let myself go

until I get all fat and hairy like some old peasant woman.

Maybe I'll even grow a mustache like my Aunt Sadie.

Hmm, that's just too disgusting.

Besides, gotta look good.

It's my job.

(Rebecca gasps)

(water draining)

(ominous music)

(water dripping)

(steam hissing)

(insects chirping)

(gentle music) (fire crackling)

(insects chirping)

(suspenseful music)

You can't fire me, I...

(Rebecca sniffs)

(Rebecca gasps)

Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!

This your idea of a sick joke or something?

I guess the studio sent you to try

and scare me into coming back, huh?

- What are you doing in my house?

- Your house?

- Oh, okay, you're the dead body that they never found, huh?

- Do not be afraid.

- Oh, I'm not afraid of you.

There's no such thing as zombies.

And dead guys don't get up and walk around.

And besides, that is the crappiest makeup job

I've ever seen in my life.

(zombie moaning)

(Rebecca screaming)

(suspenseful music)

(tense music)

(suspenseful music)

(zombie roaring) (Rebecca screaming)

(Rebecca gasps)

(Rebecca screams)

(zombie roaring)

- Hello? Hello?

What's wrong with this phone?

Oh, what idiot...

Oh shit.

(insects chirping)

(phone ringing)

- It keeps ringing and ringing, she's not answering.

- She knows it's me, she's doing this on purpose.

You ungrateful bitch, pick up the fucking phone!

(phone ringing)

(Rebecca groaning)

- Need more blood.

- Not mine, asshole.

(phone ringing)

Okay.

Oh, this is not good.

This is not good.

(insects chirping)

(Rebecca gasps)

Shit, shit, shit.

Oh shit.

Okay.

Okay, little Ethel Kaminski from Cleveland,

time to start acting like Rebecca Raven.

Yeah.

Okay.

What would Rebecca Raven do?

What would Rebecca Raven do?

- [Rebecca] She wouldn't sit around whining to herself

like a frightened little sissy.

Would she?

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm Rebecca Raven.

- No I'm Rebecca Raven.

- No, you are Ethie Kaminski.

- Oh, god.

This is crazy.

You can't be real.

- No, of course I'm not real.

You're cracking up.

That's not actually the point.

There is a zombie out there and he wants your blood.

He's a walking B-movie cliche.

But hey, who knows more about B-movie cliches than us?

- I don't know.

- Come on, snap out of it.

Who knows more about handling this shit than us?

- Nobody? - Nobody.

And who's kicked more zombie butt than us?

- Nobody.

- Damn straight, girl.

And who's gonna show that walking rag bag

who's top bitch around here?

- We are!

- No, you are.

I'm just a hallucination, remember?

But if you want to stay alive,

I suggest you use a lot less Ethie Kaminski

and a lot more Rebecca Raven.

- So wait, so what am I supposed to do?

- Just look around you, kid.

You'll think of something.

- Look around me, like around me.

Hell is that supposed to mean?

Oh yeah.

(tense music)

(zombie laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(zombie laughing)

Looking for me, big boy?

(chainsaw cranking)

It doesn't go like this in the movies.

(chainsaw buzzing)

(Raven screaming)

(lighthearted music)

(chainsaw buzzing)

I'm gonna chop you into little zombie cutlets.

(chainsaw sputters)

(suspenseful music)

Coulda sworn I just filled this thing.

(zombie laughing)

(Rebecca gasping)

(chainsaw buzzing)

(zombie whimpering)

Oh.

You poor miserable creature.

You're not that different from the rest of us, are you?

Just another victim of cruel fate.

I mean, you didn't ask to be what you are.

A stinking, oozing, disgusting sack of pus.

You didn't ask to die and be resurrected

as a bloodthirsty walking cadaver.

- No.

- Oh, wait a minute.

I read that article.

Yes you did.

(chainsaw buzzing) (zombie screaming)

(suspenseful music)

- [Gaylord] Frank.

- Not now, Gaylord.

- Leo Kish from Video Blasters just sent this over

for you to look at.

If it doesn't have two hot chicks

naked in the first scene, I'm not interested.

- Watch it.

You're gonna love it!

(suspenseful music)

(rain pattering)

(water running)

(objects clattering)

(woman squeals)

(mysterious music)

- What are you doing here?

(suspenseful music)

- No, don't do that.

I don't like that.

Stop, get off me!

Stop.

Stop.

(woman screams)

(steam hissing)

(woman screaming)

(dramatic music)

(mysterious music)

- [Woman] Are you all right?

Ma'am, are you okay?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm fine.

- [Woman] Tell me about it, quickly, before it fades.

- Yeah, I was in a house.

It was my parents' old home.

The one I grew up in.

I went upstairs to go take a shower,

and I heard a noise downstairs.

Anyway, I went to go check it out, and it was nothing,

so I went back upstairs and there was some waiting for me,

someone in my room.

- [Woman] Was it a man, a woman?

- I couldn't make it out.

They had on dark glasses and long coat,

hat pulled over their eyes.

I couldn't make out any features.

- [Woman] So it was no one you knew.

No one you recognized?

- No.

- [Woman] I see.

Go on, what happened next?

- Then this person attacked me a knife, I think.

- [Woman] And then?

- Then I fought him back.

I grabbed the knife and I stabbed him.

He just kinda curled on the floor and just melted away.

Just dissolved away, and that was it, I woke up.

- [Woman] So you're sure you've told me everything.

- I'm not lying to you.

- [Woman] Well, I wasn't implying that you were,

but I just wondered if there were any other details.

Anything that might be significant?

- No, that was it.

Look, I can't sleep.

I want to go downstairs.

- [Woman] Of course.

I'll be right in.

- [Man] That was entirely unsatisfactory.

- [Woman] Well, some subjects are more pliable than others.

She was resisting.

- [Man] Use the (indistinct).

- [Woman] I don't think that's justified quite yet.

- [Man] It will heighten the anxiety centers of her brain.

- The results could be dangerous,

especially with this patient.

- [Man] Then choose another subject.

But I want results, quickly.

It's been too long.

- Yes, it has.

I really wish you'd think about quitting.

- Well, looks like this is a good time to do so.

- Well, I'm a doctor.

I had to say something.

How you feeling?

- All right.

- You seemed upset before.

- It's just a dream, you know?

- Well, dreams are powerful experiences.

If they weren't important, they wouldn't be paying

Professor Nutterman and I the big bucks to study them.

- Professor Nutterman.

- What?

- Nothing, the name just always cracks me up.

A shrink named Nutterman.

- He isn't a shrink. - Psychologist, then.

- He's neither.

He's the foremost authority on neurocognitive physics.

- Whatever.

- Whatever.

- We're gonna have to do something about

that vocabulary, young lady.

Okay, you know the drill, let me know

when you're ready for bed again.

- Mm-hmm.

Sure thing.

(suspenseful music)

(woman screaming) (woman gasps)

- Kinda jumpy tonight, aren't you?

- What are you doing down here?

- Couldn't sleep.

- Bad dreams?

- Now you know Dr. Caruthers says

there's no such thing as bad dreams.

(guitar strumming)

- Why is it that you call her Dr. Caruthers

when everyone else calls her Sally?

- Because she doesn't look like a Sally.

She looks like a Dr. Caruthers.

Or a Dr. Frankenstein.

- She's nice.

- And I'm not saying otherwise.

I'm just saying that there's something about her.

(guitar strumming)

- Hey, knock it off.

Watching a show here.

(suspenseful music)

(guitar strumming gently) (creature moaning)

- If I tell you something, do you promise not to repeat it?

- What?

- Do you promise?

- I swear.

- Well, the dream that I just had,

Someone attacked me, took off my clothes,

and tried to get, you know.

- Sexual?

- Yes.

It was so freaky and nasty.

But you know, the creepiest part is it was Dr. Caruthers.

- Oh, that is creepy.

Because you know what? - What?

- I'm not telling you again!

Put that thing away!

- I could play if I want to.

- Not when I'm watching TV, you can't.

(guitar strumming loudly)

I'll break it over your stupid head!

- Hey, give it back. - Hey.

- Are you going to stop playing it?

Gonna stop playing with that stupid thing?

- Get off of me.

- Are you going to stop playing it?

- Get off!

- Are you going to stop it?

(woman laughing)

Are you going to stop?

- Jessica, stop!

(woman laughing)

(woman gasping)

Hey, get off her!

Stop it!

Jessica, stop!

(women shouting)

Hey, that's enough!

- Mind your own business.

- Hey, get off her, stop it!

- I'll kill you, you stupid bitch!

- What in the hell was going on here?

- Sorry.

- I warned you before, didn't I?

- Yes ma'am.

- You know what will happen if you have to leave here,

don't you?

- Yes.

- This is your last chance.

What happened here?

Well, maybe you'd like to talk about it later in private.

Let's not have any more trouble, okay ladies?

Jessica, I think it's time for your session.

- Sure.

- So what did she mean when she said to Jessica,

"You know what'll happen if you have to leave this place?"

- Jail.

- Really?

- Sure.

That's where she'd be if she hadn't

volunteered for this project.

You didn't know?

- No.

I'm not really surprised.

(device beeps)

- What's that for?

- I'm gonna give you a tranquilizer.

It'll help you to relax.

- I don't need it.

- I think you do.

There.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Tired all of a sudden.

- Hmm. (clock ticking)

(eerie music)

(creature chittering)

(pendulum whooshing)

(Jessica screaming)

(creature chittering)

(creature screeching)

(Jessica screaming)

(eerie music)

(mysterious music)

(ominous music)

(mysterious music) (soft chanting)

(woman talking indistinctly)

(Jessica screaming) (suspenseful music)

(heart monitor flatlining)

- A heart attack?

How awful.

I mean, she was a bitch and all, but still,

just doesn't seem right.

- At least she died in her sleep.

She didn't suffer.

That's the way I'd want to go.

- Not me.

I want to see it coming.

(engine rumbling)

So what were you gonna tell me

before that fight started yesterday?

- What?

Oh, well, remember when you were telling me

that you had sex dreams with Dr. Caruthers?

- I didn't say that.

- Well, okay, whatever you said, it reminded me

of a dream I had a few nights before.

(upbeat music)

So I was in this cute kitchen wearing this adorable dress

with all these pastel colors everywhere.

I had bright red lipstick.

I was cooking, and I realized I was out of something,

paprika or something, so I decided

to take my new shopping bag and I went to the supermarket.

It was a beautiful day outside.

But all of a sudden, I realized

that somebody was following me.

I looked around and there was a spy

or a secret agent or something right behind me.

So I ducked down an alley where I thought I'd be safe,

but I was wrong.

(suspenseful music)

When I woke up, I was in a dark room.

I was helpless, and the room was full of snakes.

I hate snakes.

They scare me more than anything.

All of a sudden, I saw the spy,

and here's the freaky part, it was Dr. Caruthers.

Suddenly she was naked, and then she was all over me,

she started touching me and kissing me,

and as she made love to me, she kept asking me questions,

but I didn't know any of the answers.

I realized she was going to keep making love to me

until I told her what she wanted to know,

but there was nothing I could do.

And then I noticed the snakes were getting closer,

crawling up my legs and my feet and my arms,

and then just when I thought I couldn't stand it anymore,

I woke up.

I've never been so scared in my life.

I mean, I know it was a dream,

but I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.

- Like Jessica. - That's right.

Like Jessica.

Oh my god, how creepy.

- Too damn creepy.

And if you ask me, there's a lot of creepy shit

happening around here.

- Like what?

- You and I practically had the same exact dream.

I mean, not with the snakes and all that,

but we both were attacked by Dr. Caruthers

the exact same way, we were both violated by her

the exact same way.

- I didn't mind that part, but it was the snakes.

- Well, I did mind.

I don't like people messing around with me,

even in my dreams.

And I will bet you that we are not the only ones

having dreams like this around here either.

- Oh, we're not.

Samantha and Alex had 'em too.

- And you didn't tell me?

- They asked me not to.

- That's way too creepy.

I'm telling you, Monique, someone is playing games

with our minds.

In our minds.

And I will bet it's that Professor Nuttinghouse or whatever.

- Nutterman.

- Whatever.

Have you ever seen this man?

Has anyone ever seen this man?

They attach gadgets to our heads

that are kept out of our sight.

Do you want to know what I think?

I don't think they're studying our dreams.

I think they're creating them.

- That's impossible.

Isn't it?

- That's what I'm gonna find out.

I have to get to the bottom of this.

- How?

- Well, I have a plan, but I need your help.

- Who are we, the Scooby gang?

- Monique, be serious.

Jessica is dead.

- Of natural causes.

- A heart attack induced by nightmares

that someone else is planting?

That's not an accident, that's murder.

Now, are you with me or not?

You've never used that on me before.

- It's just a tranquilizer.

It'll help relax you.

- I don't like drugs.

Of any kind.

- Except for nicotine, of course.

- Is that the same stuff you shot Jessica up with?

- I can absolutely assure you this tranquilizer

had nothing to do with Jessica's death.

Besides, this is a much weaker solution.

- Yeah, but I don't like it.

- Well, I certainly can't force you

to do anything against your principles, nor would I.

But if you refuse to let me conduct these experiments

as I see fit, there's really no reason for you to be here.

You may as well leave.

- Tonight?

- Of course not.

Don't make me out to be some kind of monster.

Have I ever abused you?

have I ever mistreated you?

We'll call off the experiment right now

and you can leave in the morning,

with full payment for the time you spent here.

If that's what you want.

Well?

- No.

It's just that with what happened

to Jessica and all, you know?

- Of course, I understand.

Now, shall we continue with the procedure?

- Sure.

- Okay.

(tense music)

there.

You just relax.

Take it easy.

(mysterious music)

(door closes)

(tense music)

- Monique, come on. - This is stupid.

- We don't have a choice. - This isn't going to work.

- Yes, it is.

How do you even know how to put these things on?

- Don't be stupid.

We've seen her do this a hundred times.

- She'll know I'm not you.

- No she won't, she can't see you.

She can only monitor your dreams.

All you have to do is dream like me and we're all set.

- How do I dream like you?

- Well, I'm not afraid of snakes

and I don't like to have sex with girls.

- Oh shit, we're doomed.

(tense music)

- [Man] What's wrong?

Why isn't anything happening?

- Have a little patience.

- [Man] Did you administer the drug?

- Yes.

- [Man] At the increased dosage?

- Yes.

- [Man] Then why isn't it having any effect?

- Well, I don't know, maybe you miscalculated the dosage.

- [Man] No.

That's impossible.

- Have you evolved beyond the possibility of error?

- [Man] Yes.

Administer the hyper-neuro accelerator.

- I think that that would be premature.

- [Man] Just do it.

- I really feel like you should give the drug a change to...

(Dr. Caruthers coughing)

(Dr. Caruthers groaning)

(monitor whirring)

(machinery humming) (mysterious music)

(muffled music and talking)

- Hi Naomi.

- What are you guys watching?

- Some guy.

He's good.

Come sit down and watch.

- You can't have any, this is mine.

- I'm not hungry.

- You can have her feet when I'm done.

- No thanks.

I'm not hungry.

(guitar strumming)

(distorted babbling on television)

(television crowd laughing and applauding)

(tense music)

(eerie music)

(light music)

(heartbeat thumping)

(monitor beeping)

(television audience laughing and applauding)

- Hey, Monique.

- No, I'm Naomi.

- No you're not.

- You can't fool us.

Naomi's dead.

- No, no, she isn't.

- She is.

She dreamed she had a heart attack and died.

- That was Jessica.

- That was you.

- And when you die in your dreams, you never wake up.

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

* Die in your dreams and you never wake up *

(monitor beeping)

(eerie music)

(creature growling) (Monique gasping)

(Monique screaming)

(Dr. Caruthers panting) (Monique screaming)

(creature moaning)

(Dr. Caruthers panting)

(glass shattering)

(snake hissing)

(suspenseful music)

(banging on wall)

(mysterious music)

(Monique screaming)

- I knew it.

You killed Jessica.

- No, it was an accident.

It couldn't be helped.

- No, it was murder.

You tried to murder Monique, you and that thing.

- Get her out of here.

- Shut up, you disgusting blob.

There aren't gonna be any more accidents.

(suspenseful music) - Stop her!

(women grunting)

(electricity buzzing)

- And now you.

- Put that thing down.

- Naomi, no!

No, you can't kill him, he's us!

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?

- He's the entire human race a million years from now.

There's no bodies and no individuals,

just a single mass of thinking tissue.

- Well, what's he doing here?

- Because he's starved for sensation

he can't experience on his own,

only through us, through our dreams,

so he draws on our animal passions,

the sex, the violence, to feel alive.

- He's a vampire sucking out our dreams.

- No more talk.

Get rid of her.

- I'm not gonna tell you again

to shut the hell up, brainiac.

- Please, if you spare him, I'll share with you

the emotions that he feels, it's so intense,

so overwhelming, and you'll know,

you'll know what it feels like.

- He's got you hooked!

- Yes, I know.

- Well, if this is how the human race ends up,

then it deserves to die.

- [Dr. Caruthers] No!

- You thought I was helpless, didn't you?

I can travel through time and space at will.

I can certainly handle a little shit like you.

- We'll see about that.

- You revolting primitive.

You're a thousand times uglier to me

than you can ever imagine.

I do the universe a favor by erasing you from it.

(electricity buzzing)

(creature shouting)

- No!

No, don't go!

Don't go, please, don't leave me, no!

- That's just plain sick.

(suspenseful music)

- No, you're dead.

- No, I was dead.

But they gave me a new heart.

It was yours.

(Monique gasping)

(heartbeat thumping)

- Come on, wake up!

(eerie echoing)

Monique, wake up.

Monique, we gotta get outta here.

Monique, hurry.

Monique, hurry, we have to get outta here, let's go.

- What's going on?

What's all the noise?

- I know, I know, come on, we gotta get outta here.

There's no time. - Why?

- Let's go, go go go.

(electricity buzzing)

(women shouting)

(insects chirping)

(explosions booming)

- You okay?

- I think so.

(mysterious music)

I had the most horrible dream.

You wouldn't believe it.

- No, I know, I saw it.

- What?

- I'll explain later.

Just a bad dream I had.

- [Man] Yeah, I heard about your problems with Rebecca.

- Well, you know, we tried to work something out,

but she just won't be reasonable.

- That's funny, because we've been speaking to her agents,

and it looks like she's gonna be in our next film.

- Really?

- Why don't you guys have a seat?

- Gee.

That's terrific.

- Are you hungry?

- No, not really.

- I see you've seen our rat.

We're very fond of that, and actually might put it on eBay,

unless you guys want it.

- No, no, thanks anyway, but listen,

I saw that brain movie or yours.

- Oh really?

Are you looking to distribute it, maybe?

- We really don't distribute outside product.

- But I thought you guys like films with hot chicks in it.

- That's what we wanted to talk to you...

- What, you were interested in talent now?

- Maybe.

- Because something could be arranged.

- That'd be great!

- Well look, we have a lot of product to move,

so when I go back and get you some phone numbers,

why don't I bring back some screeners,

and then we can maybe do some real business.

- Terrific.

- Okay, great.

I'll be right back.

- His movies are crap.

- I know, but if we get the girls,

we might be able to start on Monday.

- Hey, that's right.

- Screw Rebecca Raven!

* Screw Rebecca Raven, screw Rebecca Raven *

* Screw Rebecca Raven, screw Rebecca *

- I brought some tapes.

- Wonderful.

(tense music)

(horn honking)

(horn honks)

- Beck!

Hey Becky!

(horn honking)

- Hey. - Hey!

You look great!

What have you done with yourself?

- You know, I just relaxed, hung out.

Read a couple books.

Got to know myself.

- Man, I'd have been bored to death.

- No, actually, it wasn't boring at all.

I'll be right back, I gotta get one more thing.

(bird cawing)

- What's that?

- Just a souvenir.

Okay, can you take me to the studio first?

- What, I thought you were done with that place.

- Yeah, well, I've had a change of heart,

and I think that things can be different now.

- Frank.

Frank, Rebecca's here to see you.

- Rebecca?

Jeez, what's she doing here?

- She says it's important. - I don't care.

I don't want to talk to her, send her away.

- Think you really need to see her, Frank.

- No.

- Help!

- Come to renegotiate, Frank.

(Frank gasping)

Say hello to my new agent.

(chainsaw buzzing) (Frank screaming)

(suspenseful music)