Original subtitles

>> All right, everybody,

settle down.

We've got a lot to discuss.

As you guys all know,

WorldStarHipHop is the global

leader in videos where women and

men get viciously punched

in the face.

>> And as you also know,

no amount of ass-whooping videos

is enough.

What y'all got today?

>> I found this video where one

white teenage girl hits another

white teenage girl in the head

with a shovel.

>> That is excellent.

What do we title it, though?

>> (chuckles) I got it.

How about we call it,

"Damn, that white girl got hit

in the head with a shovel.

Watch this."

(laughter)

>> Beautiful, that is beautiful.

What's next?

What do we got next?

>> Oh, my brother videotaped his

best friend getting attacked

by a pit bull.

>> What happened?

>> Well, the dog bit

his face off.

(laughter)

>> Oh, that's great,

that's real great.

>> How about we post a video of

a baby eating ice cream for the

first time and he's all like,

"Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmmm!"

It's really funny.

>> Hey, Brian, could you just

shut the (bleep) up?

>> Absolutely.

I'm just happy to be here,

y'all.

>> We could start selling

T-shirts.

>> Our audience of juvenile

delinquents love T-shirts.

>> This one says "I got my ass

whipped on WorldStar."

(laughter)

People would wear 'em.

>> Or this one.

"Can you find my teeth?

They got beaten out of my head

on WorldStar."

>> I gotta get that one for my

cousin, hold on, hold on.

>> Yeah, yeah, you got cash?

Yeah, there you go, hey.

>> Hey, how about we post a

video of a Marine coming home

for the first time in 15 years?

>> Can you get the dog that eats

faces to eat Brian's face?

(laughter)

>> I'll call my brother, man,

absolutely.

>> Brian, WorldStarHipHop

doesn't get more traffic

than "The Wall Street Journal"

by posting (bleep).

>> Yo, let me throw Brian down

the stairs.

>> I got an idea.

>> You rolling?

>> Yeah.

(laughing)

>> No, no, no!

>> WorldStar!

Yeah!

**

**

(dog howling in the distance)

>> There's nothing.

I couldn't find any food.

>> Look, I can tell I'm dying.

I'm near the end.

When I die,

I want you two

to eat me.

>> Don't say that,

we'll find more food.

>> No, he's right.

I mean, I'll check the Costco

again, we're gonna be all right.

>> I'm okay with this.

I want you to eat my corpse

to survive.

>> Okay, we don't want to

eat you, Steve, okay?

I'm sorry.

You're just very--

You're gross.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm gross?

>> You eat gross things.

>> Last time I checked, this was

the apocalypse, okay?

Everybody's eating rats.

You eat rats, I eat rats,

we have to eat rats to survive!

>> You ate a rat the day after

the apocalypse.

I mean, there was bundles

of bananas and you ate a rat.

>> You agree with her, Jesse?

>> I mean, you have been eating

a ton of rats.

>> Seriously, who gains weight

after the apocalypse?

>> Yeah, and I didn't want to

bring this up before, but I do

remember one time, I went to our

apartment and you were eating a

rat and that was in 2008,

way before any of this happened.

You know, I mean, we--

We still had yogurts.

>> I'm realizing there were no

rats in our neighborhood because

you were eating them all

and then hiding the bones.

You're eating a rat right now.

>> Oh, gee--

Steve, stop it!

We still have jerky, man.

(coughs)

>> Oh, I think that's a bad rat.

(coughing)

>> What--

>> This might be it, y'all.

>> Whoa, whoa--

Steve, Steve!

>> I think this is the one

that's gonna take me out.

>> Steve, come on, no, Steve!

>> Listen to me.

I don't want to die in vain.

(wheezing)

I just ask that y'all eat me,

okay?

>> Okay, Steve, yes, we will--

we will eat you.

(wheezing)

>> Steve...

>> Steve!

>> So we're not really gonna

eat him though, right?

>> No, we'll burn his body--

>> I knew you were lying!

**

>> Oh, my God!

Miss!

Miss, how'd you get

on the ground?

Do you need help?

Let me help you up!

Come here!

>> Gun it, Betsy!

>> Gun what?

Who's Betsy?

(cackling)

>> Yeah!

>> If we leave now,

we'll make the early bird.

(laughing)

>> * Old killers!

**

(keys jingling)

>> Hey, uh,

welcome to Springfield.

>> Hey.

You all right?

>> It's just that you're

so cool, man.

>> Huh?

>> Look at those shoes.

Those shoes are so cool.

Those are awesome.

>> Wait.

Am I the only black guy in town?

>> Yeah.

Yeah, actually come to think

of it, you are, yeah.

>> (sighing, chuckling)

I am a god!

**

(cheering)

>> Oh, my God!

>> Woohoo!

>> Yeah, man!

>> * I'm rapping and you know

* I drop rhymes like an Eskimo

(laughter)

I love this town.

Right now, everyone's dressed

exactly like where I'm from.

You know, the streets.

>> Look at that.

So fast.

>> (grunts)

Yo, what is your problem, man?

>> I was just saying hey.

Just-- Just saying hey.

>> Man.

I'm Dennis.

How you doing?

>> Dennis?

You visiting, you just passing

through or...?

How soon you leaving?

>> I just moved here.

Signed a four-year lease

and everything.

>> Hey, whoa!

Wow, man, you didn't tell me

you were bringing a buddy.

How you doing?

>> I'm good, man.

What?

>> Wow!

Now, those are the coolest shoes

I've ever seen!

Wow!

I'm gonna tell everyone up here.

>> Thanks, dog, appreciate you--

Yo, why you keep pushing me

in the wall, man?

>> Listen, all right, please,

you gotta get out of here.

I don't know if you know this,

but I have a real good thing

going here, okay?

>> What are you talking--

>> Oh, we're ordering more

potato skins.

Oh, I'm Tina.

>> How you doing?

I'I'm Dennis.

I like potato skins.

A lot.

>> Just kidding about earlier,

man, you know?

I was-- I was just kidding.

>> Oh, my God!

>> Whoa!

Woo!

(murmuring)

(sighing)

(sobbing)

>> Hey, what's up, buddy?

>> Hey.

>> Are you moving into

this building?

>> Yeah.

Why?

>> Oh, no, I'm sorry, I--

I never lived this close

to a black person before.

**

>> I'm back.

>> What balloon animal

you want me to make for him?

>> Uh, perhaps a dog?

>> Hold on.

(laughing)

Woof, woof!

**

>> Hey, Rel.

Sit down, we have to have

a talk.

>> Rel, it's become clear to us

you have a problem.

(snorting)

You take way too many selfies.

>> What, y'all crazy?

Look, my selfies are dope, look.

>> What is this pose, man?

Hashtag #I'mBringingJiggyBack?

>> You aren't.

>> Hashtag #OneDayI'llBe

ASexSymbol.

>> You won't be.

>> Rel...

you have a serious problem, man.

>> Look, I don't even take

that many selfies.

>> Jesus, how did you do that

just now?

>> That's enough, man.

Rel, I'm your friend and

top-notch observational comedian

Hannibal Buress.

You're out of control.

If you don't stop taking these

selfies, I'll walk out of your

life forever.

(whispers) Don't do it.

Don't.

(shutter clicking)

**

>> Think about your son, Rel.

>> Don't you dare

bring my son in this.

>> Rel, you've left us

with no choice.

>> Read the hashtags, Rel.

>> I-- I don't want to.

>> Read the (bleep)

hashtags, Rel!

>> Hashtag

#MyNetworkEqualsMyNetWorth.

Hashtag #WhatThatDo?

>> Come on.

>> Hashtag #ILikeToTakePictures

Alone... JustLikeMyDaddy.

Just like my daddy?

Help me, please!

Help...

>> You need to destroy the

camera on your phone.

>> But if I do, who gonna

take pictures of me, huh?

>> I will.

>> I will.

>> I will.

>> I won't.

You lost your chance with me

when I walked out backwards.

That moment was too awesome

to have done for nothing.

I don't waste moments.

Watch what the door does.

>> I cannot believe we are

waiting in line to take a

picture with Santa right now.

>> What? It's gonna be fun.

Adults love Santa.

>> It's mostly kids.

>> And an adult.

I'll go first.

>> Ho, ho, ho!

Have you been good this year?

>> Yes, Santa, I've been

a very good girl.

Unlike my best friend Becca

over there.

She doesn't like--

(gagging)

No!

(muffled screaming)

>> Merry Christmas.

>> * Old killers!

>> All righty.

Dara, Shelby and Kelsey are up

next with their presentation.

I ask that you give them your

undivided attention and respect.

Take the floor, ladies.

>> Um, for our human biology

project, it was on sex

and sexuality.

So we made a video about the

importance of sexual education.

>> What...

do you...

know about sex, nerd?

(class laughing)

>> Hey, hey!

Okay, these are three of my

best students.

I can guarantee you this is

gonna be a clever, great

presentation, so have some

respect and enjoy.

**

>> Hey, West Orange.

Sex ed class is mad important.

So pay attention.

You might learn something.

>> * Now listen up, y'all

* You gotta keep it real

* Just listen to your partner

* And tell them how you feel

>> * Always use a condom

* Unless you're standing up

* Never let your butts touch

* Or else they both blow up

>> What the?

>> * Sex ed, sex ed

* Get this through your head

* Wanna play it safe?

* Just remember what we said

>> Sex ed.

>> * Get yourself tested

* For every STD

* Like butt rot and weird vag

* And mutant wang disease

>> What if I ran out of condoms,

Kelsey, because I have

so much sex?

>> (chuckling)

>> * Just wrap it in a towel

* Or a plastic bag

* If you can't find either

* A filthy oily rag

* Name some good places

* To learn about sex

>> * Oh, Instagram

>> * My cousin Merle

>> * Gum wrappers

>> * Jail

>> No!

Do not do that!

(groans)

(glass shatters)

I quit.

>> Excuse me, would you take

a selfie with me?

>> No.

>> * Walking

* Rocking to my music

* Sunglasses

Excuse me, real quick.

Oh, I'm in a big rush,

real quick.

Hey, guy.

Would you take a selfie with me?

Would you take a selfie

with me?

>> Sure.

>> Selfie!

(shutter clicks)

>> Really?

Yes!

You think red onions-- red--

are better than yellow onions?

>> Red onions are better.

>> Chicago has the best

pizza, Jan.

>> New York pizza has flavor.

>> Hey, "Home Alone 2" is

better than "Home Alone 1".

Look, it's the same premise,

and sequels are always worse.

>> Not always, "Godfather II."

"Dark Knight."

>> Red onions are way better

than yellow onions, man.

>> Explain to me how.

>> Lox!

>> I don't eat lox!

>> Ceviche.

>> New York pizza's better

than Chicago pizza.

>> It is not good!

>> It's very good!

>> I hate it, Jan.

>> Well, then, don't eat it.

>> I won't!

>> Oh!

>> Right in your head, dude.

It's so exciting.

>> Oh, this is so exciting!

>> I can't even believe

this is happening.

>> So exciting, yeah.

>> I can't even breathe.

I can't breathe out of this hole

in the mask, it's too small.

>> Gotta make a hole, dude.

>> Hey, uh, excuse me.

Is this the line for "Star Wars:

Episode VII"?

>> Uh, yeah.

>> This guy's the coolest, man.

Dude, I'm so pumped J.J. Abrams

is directing this.

>> Dude, I heard in the first

ten seconds, Jar Jar Binks

gets his face sliced off!

>> No!

Oh, man, this is gonna be

so great!

Just two more days left in line.

>> Is that the line for that

Star Trek smoothie?

>> Ugh, yes.

>> Nerds will line up

for anything.

>> I know.

I'm so excited for these

cronuts.

>> I know.

I'm just so glad that Chef

Dominique Ansel only makes 50

each day so that only the real

cronut fans get 'em, you know?

>> Yeah. You know,

I read in US Weekly

that Leah Remini got the recipe

for, like, $700,000.

>> Yeah, but then she didn't

even have the right oven!

>> The right oven!

And I was like, well, how you

gonna cook the cronut?

>> You can have all the ovens,

Leah.

You're rich.

>> Only four more hours

'til cronuts.

>> That's not very long.

>> Let's take a selfie.

>> Okay.

>> Standing in line for a movie

and some donuts?

>> Yep.

>> Nerds.

>> For real, yo.

>> Let's go spend $700 on some

basketball sneakers.

>> I dig it, man.

I'm gonna spend a thousand,

dude.

>> Get the red ones, yo.

Get the red ones.

Nah, get the blue ones,

get the blue ones.

They ain't open it yet?

Damn, yo.

(clamoring)

(bleep)

>> Hey, man, is this the line

to buy Jordans?

>> No, this is the line

to steal Jordans.

>> Okay, well, in that case,

can I give you money,

you can just steal me some?

>> Wait right there.

>> Okay.

>> What?

Nerd!

Here you go.

>> Sweet, thank you.

How much would that be?

>> Oh!

>> Not funny at all, man.

>> No, we can't put that out,

man, that's messed up.

>> Look, man, y'all just being

too sensitive, okay?

This video is hysterical.

>> That could be the funniest

(bleep) video I have seen

in my entire life.

>> Yo, a dude kicking a baby

is not funny.

>> Actually, he punted the baby.

>> Punting does not make

a difference.

>> You see how high the baby

went, though?

>> This is classic WorldStar,

guys.

>> No.

This video crosses the line,

man.

You know, like, what--

What's this website become?

>> You know, I'm being honest.

I'm on-- I'm on the fence

with this one.

>> At the end of the day,

everybody, this is what we do,

okay?

This is our art.

>> I mean, some people paint

and some people create

beautiful music.

>> We post (bleep) up videos.

>> But think about that baby,

man, think about the injuries

that baby sustained, okay?

We put this video on WorldStar,

they're gonna call him

"Football Baby" for the rest of

his life, man.

You want that?

>> You might have a point there.

But, yo, let me see it again.

>> Oh, my baby, my baby!

>> Nah, that's hysterical!

That is hysterical.

Yeah, I'm over here.

I'm over here, this is

WorldStar, woo!

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's five versus five now, yo.

>> So what we gonna do

about this, man?

>> We gonna post this video.

>> Can't let you do that, Frank.

>> (sighs)

I make the decision.

>> Oh, my God,

it's Jaleel White.

>> You don't even work at

WorldStarHipHop.

>> No, I don't.

But I did kick that baby.

>> (gasps)

>> I kicked that baby like a

football so you would all post

the video to WorldStar.

>> Yes!

(laughter)

>> No.

I want that video to destroy

the Internet and WorldStar.

Post it, Frank.

>> My baby, my baby!

Oh!

>> You just got Jaleel'd.

>> So then they said

I might have corns.

I've never had corns before.

>> You should go see my friend

Peter the podiatrist.

>> Who?

>> He said she should go see

Peter the podiatrist.

>> Psychiatrist?

What's wrong with you, Gene?

>> No, a podiatrist,

it's a foot doctor.

>> Foot doctor.

>> Foot doctor? Say what?

>> What the hell are y'all

talking about?

**

(cackling)

>> Gentlemen,

it's crossbow time!

>> * Old killers!

>> Would you guys mind showing

me dances and stuff like that?

>> You did good.

>> Did good, man.

>> Whoa, McFly! (chuckling)

Anyone home, McFly?

Look, do me a favor.

Tell your mom I said hi,

butthead!

(chuckling)

>> Thanks, Biff.

(whooshing)

>> Marty!

>> Doc, what's going on?

>> It's complete, Marty.

The DeLorean is a time machine.

>> You made a time machine

out of a DeLorean ?

>> We have to go back

to the past.

>> Why, Doc?

>> I was in 1955 and...

Well, I banged your mom.

>> Doc!

How could you do that?

>> There's no time to explain,

Marty!

We gotta get in that car, but

once we hit 88 miles per hour,

we can get back to the past,

unsex your mom

and save your family!

>> All right, I guess we should,

but I mean, Doc,

I mean, that's...

Are you sure this is

gonna work, Doc?

>> Don't worry, Marty.

Once we hit 88, you're gonna

see some serious sh--

Great Scott!

>> Oh, my God!

Were you speeding?

>> Of course we were

(bleep) speeding.

>> What do you mean "we"?

You're the driver,

I'm the passenger.

>> Shut up, Marty, shut up!

We'll just go back a few seconds

and we'll save him!

>> Damn it, Doc!

Why didn't you just set it for,

like, three minutes ago?

>> I was just trying to be

precise, Marty.

>> Uh, Doc?

>> Great Scott!

Marty, your mother must be

pregnant with my child,

so you were never born!

>> (bleep) you, Doc!

>> All right, so throughout the

season, Kevin has raced two

times and lost incredibly.

>> That should have been

discounted, man.

>> No win.

0 for two.

>> They're gonna do one more

race since we know he's slower

than so many people, we're just

gonna find out if he's at least

the fastest in the cast.

We're gonna race them and give

them a real chance.

>> I don't want to do this.

>> Okay, so I'm gonna say, uh,

"on your mark get set, go."

On "go" we run, okay?

>> Just say it!

>> All right.

On your mark, get set, go!

>> What?

Really?

Come on, man!

I need this!

I need this, man.

(laughing)

>> Kevin won!