Original subtitles

>> Welcome back.

Our couple, Denise and Swanson,

have already seen two incredible

homes.

Their first option was a

spacious two-bed with a short

commute to the city followed by

this Spanish Colonial home with

curb appeal.

Now their final option,

a converted pre-war evil lair,

just steps from historic

Arkham Asylum.

**

>> Yeah, well, it's certainly

more in our price range.

>> I'm just a little worried

about the destruction in the

neighborhood.

>> Okay, well, I tell you what.

If you move here, the one thing

that won't be destroyed

is your bank account.

>> Oh.

>> Hello, savings.

Also, there is a super

on the property.

>> Is that Robin?

>> It sure is.

>> Oh, I love him.

>> Suck it.

>> Little less friendly now.

And this is the recently

remodeled eat-in kitchen.

>> Oh, yum.

Oh. Whoa.

>> Is that the bat signal?

>> Yeah, no, it is.

You know, not everybody gets a

dream view of the bat signal.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> I see.

>> Who needs monorail track

lighting?

(chuckling)

Not this place.

>> Whoo, uh, well, at least

there's a lot of storage space.

>> Whoa.

Looks like there's some

scarecrow booby traps here.

(voice distorted) Plus side is

you get to keep the mask.

(screeching)

I do recommend getting the

Batman-level insurance.

It really protects against

explosions, lasers, time bombs,

laughing gas, freezing guns,

cars, planes or trains that come

on through the living room,

sentient plants, men made of

clay...

>> Get the insurance.

>> We'll take it.

>> All right!

>> Ow.

You'll have to get the clown.

I got a... bad back.

>> * 'Cause I'm saved

* By the bell

>> Zack, we have to go finish

our science project.

>> Relax, Screech.

Right now I'm working on the

science of this cheeseburger.

(laughter)

>> That's the only subject he'll

be getting an A-plus in.

(laughter)

>> Hey, Screech, think fast.

>> Aah!

>> Nice catch.

>> A.C. Slater needs to chill

the (bleep) out.

**

>> Screech need to quit acting

like he's not black, man.

We got the same haircut.

>> You both got naturals.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, look at Lisa over there,

right?

I'm the star tailback on the

football team and she still

don't see me.

Lisa! Lisa!

>> She can't hear you, man.

She can't hear you.

>> You know she can't hear you.

Once you start talking to white

people, you can't hear black

people no more.

>> That's true, man, good point.

>> It's like a vortex.

>> Come on, man, that ain't

true-- Lisa!

Lisa Turtle!

>> Go over there, Richie.

Tell it like it is, Richie.

>> Get 'em, Richie.

>> Black Bayside is about to

take this mother--

**

>> How'd you like dinner?

(indistinct chatter)

>> Oh, this is a really nice--

This is a really nice place.

>> Come on up here.

>> Okey-dokey.

This is incredible.

Wow.

>> Man, this dude has no

technique.

>> I...

I don't know how to say this,

but that...

That was my virginity.

>> Oh, uh, wow.

Why didn't you say

something or...

>> Well, I'm 26, so I--

I didn't wanna make it weird,

you know, but...

I'm glad it was you.

Oh, man, I am...

I'm just a little overwhelmed.

Do you mind if I go to the

bathroom, do people do that?

>> Sure.

>> Okay, well...

See you in a second.

>> (yawning)

>> Actually, um... I just wanted

to ask you... how was it?

>> It was fine.

>> Okay.

I'll take that.

(chuckling)

I was worried I'd be the worst

of all time.

(chuckling) Anyway...

(water running)

>> (shrieking)

>> Shh, hey, oh, you--

Calm down!

Come here, I ain't gonna hurt

you.

(crashing) Oh, oh!

Oh, she...

(scream fading, distant thud)

>> Hello, Mr. Not a Virgin

Anymore.

>> (muttering)

>> (breathes and sniffs)

Howdy!

(siren approaching)

(siren blaring)

>> Okay, so after you lost your

virginity, what's the last

thing you said to her?

>> I asked how the sex was.

>> Okay, and what'd she say?

>> Uh, she said it was fine.

>> Sir, can you shed some light

on this letter we discovered?

>> Uh, sure, wh-what letter?

>> "Dear World, good-bye.

I'm gonna jump out this window

because I had such horrible sex

tonight, I can never love

anything ever again."

"I lost my faith in humanity

when I looked in his virgin

eyes.

Sincerely, me."

(siren blaring)

>> Mmm, uh, nothing to add to

that currently, but, you know, I

just-- I-I just feel like

something's not right, you know?

It's like-- 'cause she said--

she said it was fine.

>> Okay, you know, either she

killed herself because the sex

was so bad or you killed her and

made it look like a suicide.

>> Coming up, how this man's bad

sex made a woman want to die.

That and our Eye in the Sky,

Pete Greg, in the traffic copter

after the break.

** (news theme playing)

>> I murdered her.

>> I got a witness.

>> Oh, how you doing?

Look, I saw everything.

I looked up, right?

And the lady was in the window.

And she just started

yelling out.

"Oh, man, I don't wanna live no

more because this is the worst--

this is the worst sex I've ever

had in my life!"

And then she jumped.

>> Again, she said it was fine.

>> What?

What's straight ahead?

>> So I can't do this?

>> Mm-mmm.

>> But that's the move

I wanna make.

I don't wanna do this no more.

>> * Two business guys

* Too little time

* On their way to lunch

* Trying to eat

* Some good old food, yeah

>> Hi.

>> All right, quiet on the set.

Quiet on the set.

Action.

Hands.

There we go.

The cocoa butter is your friend.

So let those hands flow freely.

Let me see that.

All right, cut, perfect.

We're gonna do it again.

>> Um, hey, Mr. Jackson?

>> My man, what's up?

>> I'm good, I just wanted to

tell you that I am so happy to

be working on this commercial

for Soul King Cocoa Butter, man.

And thanks for taking a chance

on me.

>> And were here at Soul King

take special pride in how we

treat our brothers and sisters.

>> I just-- it's so refreshing

to work for a pro-black company,

you know?

>> Okay, well, look, check

this out, speaking of black,

why don't you go get me some

coffee and stop yapping so damn

much.

We're about to go.

Quiet on the set.

Quiet on the set.

(bell ringing)

Action!

Now caress that cocoa butter.

Caress it like it's a woman.

Cut, cut, Rick, come on out

here, come on out here.

Come on.

Makeup, come on, what are you

doing?

Look at his hands.

They're too shiny.

>> What the hell is this?

>> What's the matter?

>> The matter is he-- he--

He's white, he's a white--

This is like blackface!

>> It's black hands, stupid.

>> Yeah, it's totally different.

Who-- who-- who is this guy?

>> It's wrong and it's rude

and it's insensitive.

I'm getting to the bottom

of this.

** (news theme)

>> It's been quite the scene

here today.

Now, ma'am, tell me, how are you

feeling about all this?

>> You know what, this country

was built on the backs of black

hands.

And white men don't even get

ashy, so that's bull(bleep).

>> This is an abomination.

At the end of the day, black

hands are more than cool

handshakes.

Something must be done.

>> Okay, now Reverend Sharpe,

do you foresee a boycott?

>> Well, not exactly, uh, uh,

well, you know, our beautiful

black skin does need cocoa

butter, uh, but there will be

a lawsuit.

Best believe that.

(TV clicking off)

>> I'm just trying to feed

my family.

>> You just don't understand

the struggle, man.

>> Oh, I understand

the struggle, my brother.

>> That's right.

I saw one picture and I knew

those were the hands

of a Soul King.

>> Look, I can't help it that my

white hands have black features.

>> Son, do you know what it's

called when a man qualifies for

a job but still doesn't get it

because of the color of his

skin?

That's racism.

Now, Rick here has the hands of

a ballplayer and the face

of an owner.

(chuckling)

How long have you had that afro?

>> All my life, I guess.

>> Does the fist on that afro

pick look familiar?

>> (laughing)

Get over here, dude.

(chuckling)

(both laughing)

I'm gonna (bleep) you up.

>> I'm excited today because the

church is taking a step toward

the future, um, and we're

getting rid of all those paper

Bibles and then we're upgrading

to 200 tablets.

Can I get an amen?

>> (all) Amen!

>> Yes, yes, amen.

Open your Bible app to the book

of "Leviticus."

Say amen once you got it.

Um, I guess just be a little

patient...

Looks like we're having a

problem with the "wee-fee."

>> Oh, pastor,

it's pronounced "Wi-Fi."

>> Excuse me?

>> It's pronounced "Wi-Fi."

>> Are you sure about that?

>> Yeah.

>> Now shut up!

Unfortunately, your answer is

incorrect.

It's pronounced whatever God

wants me to say it is.

** (dramatic organ notes)

Look here, okay?

Everything is gonna be okay.

We're just having a little bit

of a... "wifey" problem.

Uh, now maybe I can find God's

signal over here.

>> Go from the heart, pastor.

>> Yeah, from the heart.

>> You want me to do it from

the heart?

>> Yeah!

>> Is that what y'all want?

>> You! You need it!

>> Okay, well, um...

Moses went to the Red Sea

with some animals, right?

And then God said, "Let me tell

you some commandments."

>> Pastor, that's not in the

Bible.

>> Not at all.

>> It's not in the Bible?

Guess what, God was testing us!

(laughing)

You got it, you was getting

tested.

You know your Bible, don't you?

Don't you know your Bible.

You are-- you are smart.

So I got another story for you.

Here we go, it was a story

of, um, David.

He had to fight a giant

by the name of, um...

Shrek!

And Shrek was fixin' to get

married!

>> I'm sorry, uh, David fought

Goliath, Shrek is...

>> Because at the end of the

day, I'm just trying to get

a signal from Him!

And this is, uh...

Oh, this is getting frustrating.

>> Pastor, you can total--

you can just reset the router

right there.

>> Yeah, you can do it.

>> What?

>> Push the button.

>> What button?

>> On the router.

>> Oh, oh, so, wait a minute,

let me ask y'all something.

You think the power

of electricity...

is bigger than the power of

Jesus?

Did I hear that right?

>> No.

>> You know what God just

told me?

He said we need to bow our head

in prayer.

Oh, yeah, bow your heads.

You... everybody.

As we sit here in church...

Oh, God is good.

Pull those iPads out now.

Give me an amen if it look like

you got a little signal.

>> Ahh...

>> Can I get an amen?

You got a signal?

Y'all got a signal?

Oh, God is good!

(piano playing)

(all cheering)

**

>> Oh, yeah!

>> Stop!

(music stops)

(video game music playing)

>> Now, who in here playing

Candy Crush?

>> Hey, how's it going?

I'm Josh.

>> Hi, Josh, I'm Anna.

>> Anna?

>> I'm Jermaine.

Nice meeting you.

Now, would you be willing to

paint your hands black to model

this here Soul King Cocoa

Butter?

>> Okay, okay.

Um... I'm gonna say yes.

>> Okay, cool.

>> Oh, that's so nice.

All right.

>> Let's do it.

>> Now, the only complexion we

have is Michael Jordan brown.

>> Well, actually, I mean,

if you're... I was thinking,

like, if you were gonna do the

hands, maybe would you be...

>> Would you be cool doing the

entire face?

>> Yeah, if you could do the

whole face?

>> The rest of your face?

>> Uh...

>> (panicked panting)

(distant shouts and explosions)

Incoming!

(panting)

>> As I held my friend's

entrails, I realized there was

no hope.

Hope for him or for any of us.

(sniffling)

I'm sitting here before you

alive, but it feels like my soul

died all those years ago.

(sniffling)

>> Powerful stuff.

Does anybody else have something

they'd like to share?

**

>> I've seen countless battles.

Things no man should see.

In 1961, I was assigned to

assassinate Fidel Castro.

And after that, I joined a black

ops team where we were deployed

to destroy the Soyuz spacecraft.

>> Wait, isn't that from

"Call of Duty: Black Ops"?

>> After we were flanked and

pinned down for hours,

it was wave after wave

of Nazi zombies.

>> Okay, see he's referencing

gamertags.

He's talking about a video game.

Just a second ago, he was saying

Nazi zombies and that's 100%--

>> Jeremy, the man's been

through hell.

Stop interrupting.

>> I had to sit there and watch

my friends die.

And respond.

Just to watch 'em die again.

(crying) The absolute worst part

is they'll call you after

they die.

They'll say stuff like,

"Dude, quit camping."

Or, "BRB, got to take a dump."

>> Gotta take a dump?

Son, did you come here to talk

about video games?

>> Video games?!

(chair clanking to floor)

You judge me?

I knew every time I go in the

battlefield, I could die at any

moment.

Or worse, my Wi-Fi would

go down.

And I'd be gone forever.

Or until it came back on.

But it would still suck.

'Cause all my experience points

would be gone.

Yes, you've lost soldiers.

You have, and I won't discredit

that, not for a second.

But have you ever,

ever lost points?

>> Okay, get the (bleep)

out of here.

>> Can you believe this dude?

I really-- honestly, I lost an

eye-- hey!

I'm a hero!

I'm a decorated hero!

>> PS3, TSD is real.

You are not alone.

>> They don't know my struggle.

They ain't seen the things I--

(giggling)

Oh, my Go...

(screaming)

(bird screeches)

>> Yo,ou ever hear any songs

from the death metal band

Cannibal Corpse?

>> No, what songs?

>> Uh... we got "Scattered

Remains, Splattered Brains"?

>> No.

>> "Blowtorch Slaughter"?

>> No.

>> "Frantic Disembowelment"?

>> No.

>> "Devoured by Vermin"?

>> Negative.

>> "Gutted."

>> Sounds a little familiar, no.

>> "From Skin to Liquid"?

>> No.

>> "Vomit the Soul"?

>> Never.

>> How about "Rotted Body

Landslide"?

>> Nah.

>> "Pounded into Dust"?

>> Mm-mmm.

>> "The Spine Splitter"?

>> Nah.

>> How about

"Encased in Concrete"?

>> I've never heard that song.

>> "I Will Kill You"?

>> No.

>> No?

Uh, "Hammer Smashed Face"?

>> Oh, that's the one

from "Ace Ventura."

>> That is the one from

"Ace Ventura."

>> Never heard it.

>> Never heard it?

>> No.

>> Let's just give it

a listen then.

Let's just listen to it.

** (death metal music playing)

>> This is really helping me tap

into my murderous rage.

>> Me, too.

>> Did you just ride the subway?

I've never been on it before.

I was just wondering is it

like-- is it scary or is it--

No.

'Cause it sounds like hell down

there, it sounds so loud,

I was just--

>> Are there any, like,

loop-the-loops or anything like

that, would you-- no?

It sounds like a coaster,

though.

How often do people just barf

in it?

Yeah, if I barfed, would

people-- would I get-- do they

throw me off the ride or...

Would you ride with me or no?

Oh, you have to go.

You just got off, right.

>> I just wanna know if you've

heard any of these Cannibal

Corpse songs.

"Covered with Sores"?

>> No.

>> How about, uh...

"A Skull Full of Maggots"?

>> Sounds charming.

(all chuckling)

"Hatchet to the Head"?

>> I never heard of this music.

>> Never played it, like, before

a date or anything like that?

>> No.

>> That's a good song to play

before a date.

>> How about "Vomit the Soul"?

>> Yeah, I heard of that one

before.

>> That's a popular one.

That was a popular one.

It was all over Twitter.

>> * 'Cause I'm saved

* By the bell

(laughing)

>> Look, this test will be

a breeze 'cause I already have

the answers.

>> Gee, Zack, that's cheating.

>> Screech, it's only cheating

if you get caught.

>> That's absolutely right,

Zack.

>> Uh-oh, that's our principal,

Mr. Belding.

>> You know, Zack, those answers

won't help you very much

if you're in detention.

>> Uh-oh.

Time-out.

Man, this is what I get

for not studying.

>> What the (bleep)?

**

>> What's happening right now,

Richie?

>> Hey, Richie, why is Zack

talking to the camera?

>> Everybody frozen, man.

I don't know what the hell is

going on, man.

>> Now, don't be late for class.

>> Oh, no.

Oh, no, they got my baby.

Lisa!

Lisa!

>> Uh, boys, we're supposed to

be frozen.

>> Let me tell you something.

Richie freezes for nobody.

(laughing)

>> Guys, you're breaking the

cardinal rule of all sitcoms.

If the coolest kid in school

calls for a time-out,

we all freeze.

And Zack is the coolest kid

in school.

Though I kind of like

Screech too.

Look at him.

>> I get it.

You don't think I'm cool because

I'm black, that's why, huh?

I'm African American.

>> You know I don't see color.

Or can't, rather.

Seriously, my eyeballs

don't work.

>> Say what?

>> (sighs) I'm sorry,

I can't let this go.

I have to write you up for

not freezing.

>> Aww... come on, Belding.

You're tripping, man.

Look, what you writing us

up for?

>> Summer's coming my way.

Time in.

>> Who is he talking to?

>> What are you talking about?

Summer's coming my way?

Where y'all going?

Lisa!

Come on, y'all, that's it.

And summer's coming my way.

Time-out!

Time-out!

>> You're still not frozen.

>> Hey, what's up?

Um, so this is the shoe removal

challenge where, uh, the

champion, Josh Rabinowitz,

claims to be the best at

taking off his shoes with just

his feet, which is the stupidest

thing to claim you're

the best at.

And he's gonna be facing Evan,

who is the challenger.

>> (chanting "Evan, Evan...")

>> All right, on three.

I got a dollar on Evan!

I got a dollar on Evan!

All right, one, two, three!

>> (chanting "Evan...")

(cheering)

Give Evan his dollar!

Evan!

Evan got a dollar!

>> Thank you.

>> Josh, you're fired.

>> Oh, man, we got a new Josh.

>> We got a new Josh.

>> A new Josh.

>> All right, this is FOTP

with a new cast member, Evan!

>> Evan!

(cheering)

>> Go back to your Keebler tree,

Josh!

(all laughing)

>> Look at Josh's sock.