Original subtitles

>> Did I tell you I made partner

at the firm?

>> Yep.

The entire car ride.

>> It's gonna be so awesome.

Vern?

Vern Chalmers?

You work here now, dude?

That sucks.

Me and this (bleep) bag went to

law school together.

Talk about going backwards

in life.

(scoffing)

Poor people.

>> Has this ever happened

to you?

Well, now it doesn't have to

with the new

Little Richard Remote.

>> The Little Richard Remote?

>> Oh, God.

You can hear me... talking?

Shh.

Yes.

The Little Richard Remote.

When you're in distress,

just take the transponder,

press the red button

and a signal will go

to a microchip in

Little Richard's brain.

>> Microchip?

Is that legal?

>> Sure.

You can take it for a spin.

>> And so anyway, that's why

I choked him.

Where are my chicken fingers?

(beep)

Oh, I'm sorry if I stink

a little bit, but it's only

'cause I spent all afternoon

stacking and clacking plates

at the gym, AKA the Stackhouse.

>> Shut up!

Talk too damn much.

None of that talking

make you pretty.

You think it does?

Over there looking like a fat

Don Cheadle.

>> That's not fair--

>> Shut up!

Shut up!

>> (crying)

>> Woo!

>> Thanks,

Little Richard Remote.

>> * What you gonna do

* When people talk and boast?

* Woo get your fat ass

* The Little Richard Remote

* Woo *

Remote!

Remote, woo!

Remote...

>> All right, okay,

let me just...

Little glitch.

There we go, just...

>> Shut up, baby!

Everybody shut up!

You all ugly,

look at you eating!

Eating food!

Every single one of y'all

and you're fat!

>> Okay, it's an uprising.

It's turned into

a full uprising.

>> I ain't cut nobody all day.

Who trying to get cut?

I'm gonna cut you

and Michael Cera's baby!

>> DEFCON 5.

DEFCON 5, over.

>> Tase him.

>> Who trying to get killed

like Michael--

Woo!

Ooh!

Please don't put me in the box!

**

>> Your résumé

isis very impressive.

You're a frontrunner

for the job.

>> Oh, wow.

Thank you so much.

I just hope I can cross

the finish line.

Uh...

Sorry... about that.

I just--

I--

I don't have any diseases,

if that makes it better.

Uh, well...

**

>> And then they tried

hand sanitizer!

>> What is up, fellow germs?

>> Oh, it's Dexter!

>> Hey, so what's

poppin' tonight?

>> Dude, there's some chicken

slime over by the sink.

>> Whoa.

>> I know.

I'm talking about primo

chicken slime.

>> No, man, look!

It's Johnny and Tommy

Escherichia coli,

two of the baddest germs

on kitchen floor.

**

>> When those two combine,

it's bad news.

>> They are seriously

one deadly duo.

>> Sup, dorks?

>> Don't think about hanging out

in that chicken slime tonight.

That is our turf.

>> Come on, man!

>> We had plans tonight!

(booming)

(all screaming)

>> They are delicious, don't get

me wrong, but a meatball is just

not conducive to a sandwich,

you know what I mean?

I mean, it's a sphere within

a rectangle, like, they should

make the meat bread-shaped if

anything, you know?

>> Incoming!

>> Prepare for impact, dudes!

>> Due to my extensive research,

once the meatball hits

the ground,

we have approximately

five seconds to get on board.

>> All right, germs, synchronize

your germ watches.

It's showtime!

>> Go, go, go, go, go, go!

**

>> (yelling)

>> (groaning)

>> Damn it, this is exactly what

I'm talking about, you know?

It's just...

**

>> Good job, guys!

Just hang on!

>> We made it, man!

>> Here we go!

>> Johnny!

>> Tommy!

Stay on that meatball, brother!

I'll find you!

>> Johnny, no!

>> Whoops. (chuckling)

>> * I'm far from home

* I'm all alone

* With no place to go

* Where is my bro?

>> * I'm right here *

>> You made it!

How'd you get here?

>> I got in through the butt.

(solid tone)

(woman crying)

>> Shut up!

Where y'all from?

>> Spain.

>> Spain?

Callate!

(distant sirens wailing)

They coming!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

**

>> Come get your New York City

hot dogs!

I've been on 'em,

I've been in 'em,

I might've been in one of you.

Who wants a hot dog?

They've been swooshing

in some water!

I hang out here all the time.

You should, too.

And you.

I've been in you before.

>> Thank you very much.

>> Oh!

>> I don't know, Rel.

I respect Michael Jordan

and everything he's done

for basketball,

but his clothes are ugly.

>> Yeah, no, it's just--

It's just--

They're very weird, you know?

>> Look, you're not gonna be

talking about a legend

like that.

>> It's just that they're

objectively strange, man.

They are.

>> Let me tell you something.

I'm from a city called Chicago.

>> We know, we know that.

>> And this is where

the greatest basketball player

of all time came from.

>> You tell us all

the time, man.

>> Okay?

And just because he dresses as

fly as he can be, that don't

give you no right to say

anything mean about him.

>> That's your opinion.

>> But guess what?

I'll explain it to you.

In song.

**

* You be like

* Oh

* He's wack

* Well you gonna get slapped

* You talk about a legend

* Like that

* You best stay strapped

* I go hard for Mike Jordan

* Y'all can't ignore it

* Shirt too big I wore them

* All my jeans I tore them

* Oh

* Who me?

* I wanna be like Mike

* Polo shirts

* With cargo shorts

* Whether in broad daylight

* Mike is a hero

* Jackets like Neo

* Matrix

* Don't wanna be a zero

* Get your Jordan on

* Be like Mike

* Be like Mike

* Get your Jordan on

* Baggy jeans

* Baggy jeans

* Get your Jordan on

* Big ol' hats

* Big ol' hats

* Get your Jordan on

* I'm rich

* So it don't even matter

* If I'm wack

* Get your Jordan on

* Sometimes I dream

* That he is me

* I won't look clean

* In Jordan jeans

* But style so fresh

* Is hard to find

* You only hating on it

* Because it blows your mind

* See the thing about Jordan

* He's ahead of his time

* But the beauty of it all

* That he's also behind

* Pair of Docs got you skeptical

* I get why you don't

* Get it though

* Your weak brain

* Couldn't understand

* Four-dimension clothes.

* Be like Mike

* Be like Mike

* Get your Jordan on

* Baggy jeans

* Baggy jeans

* Get your Jordan on

* Big ol' hats

* Big ol' hats

* Get your Jordan on

* I'm rich

* So it don't even matter

* If I'm wack

* Get your Jordan on

* Be like Mike

* Be like Mike

* Get your Jordan on

* Baggy jeans

* Baggy jeans

* Get your-- *

>> Whoa.

>> Yeah, man, that was a really

weird thing to do.

>> All right, so that's

one plate of buttered hams.

What can I get you, sir?

>> Can I get a plate

of spaghetti that's just

one long noodle?

>> Let me talk to the chef.

>> Thank you.

>> You're welcome.

>> Dude, you do this every time.

You know they don't have one

plate of spaghetti

that's just one noodle.

>> Oh, they got it.

>> No, they don't.

They never have it.

>> They'll have it.

>> Hey.

>> Hey.

>> Okay, I'm sorry,

but the chef says he can't make

a plate of spaghetti

that's one long noodle,

but he can make you a plate of

spaghetti that's

multiple noodles.

>> That's perfect,

we'll do that.

>> Okay, that sounds good.

>> Not perfect, 'cause that's

not what I ordered.

I want one long noodle.

Can you just get the chef

for me, please?

Bring him out?

>> Okay, yeah.

>> Thank you.

>> We're gonna have to leave.

You're gonna make a scene.

>> No, I want the--

>> You're making a scene.

>> Hey, sir.

I want you to look me

in the eyes

and tell me you don't have

one giant noodle where all

the spaghetti comes from.

You don't have that?

You're the fifth

restaurant that said--

You are a liar and a coward!

You're gonna lie to me right

when my brother is right here?

Bring me the (bleep) noodle!

Go get the noodle.

You got one long noodle.

Bring me the noodle!

I want the noodle!

I want the queen noodle

that's sitting back there!

**

**

>> Afternoon.

Can I get the Kung Pao chicken

and ooh, ooh, some shrimp

fried rice, shrimp fried rice.

>> Whoa, brother Fred.

I'm so glad you could join us.

>> Join you?

>> Yes, man, today's the big

march and every face counts

and hopefully

by this time tomorrow,

we'll all have our voting

rights, huh?

>> Yeah!

>> You know, I forgot that

was today.

I'm sorry.

>> Oh, wait a minute, brother.

Well, it's of no consequence,

'cause you are here now

and we're all

gonna march together!

>> Yeah!

>> Now-- Now?

I just got this Chinese food.

>> Oh, come on, Chinese food?

Brother, we about

to make history.

The revolution will not wait,

will it?

>> No!

>> That's right.

>> I want to sit down with

a plate, okay?

I can't just be digging chicken

out of one container and rice

out of another, man.

I'm not an animal!

>> Whoa!

Calm down, brother.

'Cause now I'm a little upset.

You mean to tell me you want to

jeopardize the future of an

entire people over some

Kung Pao chicken?

>> I'm just saying, man,

it's hard to walk and eat with

chopsticks, man.

Have you tried it, man?

>> Oh, no, no it ain't.

Come on, come on.

Come with us.

Everybody lock arms.

* Amazing

* Grace

* How sweet

* The sound *

Lock in!

>> All right!

Break it up!

>> Well, you heard the man.

Shame really.

Rules are rules.

>> No, no, stay strong,

brother, okay?

You gotta--

Gotta take the pain.

>> You all should have listened.

You brought this

upon yourselves.

(grunting)

>> No!

(crying)

No!

>> There are many proud tales of

triumph and heroism during

the Civil Rights movement,

but there's also Fred.

Fred would go on to achieve

absolutely nothing in life

and was looked down upon

by his entire community.

The Civil Rights Movement

was a huge triumph,

thanks in no part to Fred.

**

>> Can we talk about Kevin's

hair for a minute?

>> No, why don't we not?

>> You're too young

for a natural, man.

>> My haircut is timeless.

>> Kevin go to the barber,

like, give me the Ossie Davis!

Can we get a--

a Civil Rights lawyer?

>> 1975 Heisman Trophy winner.

>> Yeah, you know what?

And those dudes

looked pretty cool.

>> You look like my father

when he went to prom.

**

>> What about Jermaine?

What's wrong with Jermaine?

>> Everything's wrong with me.

>> There isn't anything you can

say about Jermaine that he

hasn't said about

himself already.

>> It's just-- It's hard to

hurt a sociopath.

>> Yeah, no, it's true.

He wore this hat on camera,

he's afraid of nothing.

**

(sent message ding)

(faint received message alert)

>> Gail?

Did you mean to hit "reply all"

and send that e-mail

to the entire company?

Do you really think I'm a fat

dip (bleep), Gail?

I've been trying a diet.

What are you--

What are you reaching for?

What are you--

>> I'm just looking

for my flashbang.

>> Your-- Your what?

**

**

>> Hey, Patrice.

>> We just got back

from the gym.

>> Where's Patrice?

>> You see Patrice?

>> No.

Hey.

>> Pull that note.

>> There's a note right here.

>> Hey, Jiu Jitsu Bros,

I got your girlfriend with me,

with me right now.

If you want her back,

you're gonna have to fight me,

until the death, until we die,

at the Blackfist tournament.

>> Damn!

>> Billy Karate.

>> Billy Karate.

>> We gotta go get her.

>> We gotta save her.

>> Hey, what--

>> Hey.

>> You see Patrice?

>> No.

Patrice, where are you?

>> Patrice!

>> Patrice!

>> Where are you?

>> Where is Patrice!

>> Patrice!

>> Where are you, Patrice?

>> Hey.

>> Jiu Jitsu Brothers!

>> Hey, Billy Karate,

what's going on?

>> What up, Billy Karate?

>> I'm good, I'm good.

Hey, you got my postcard?

>> Yeah, we got it, thanks for

inviting us.

>> No problem, boy-os.

Oh, I got Patrice, by the way.

>> Help me Marvin

or help me Jarvis.

>> Oh, yeah, let her go.

>> I wish I could, but you gotta

fight me first.

>> All right,

I guess that's reasonable.

>> That's reasonable, it's fair.

>> That's cool, that good?

>> Sounds great.

>> High-five it.

Let the Blackfist

tournament begin!

**

>> Fight!

You missed me, you stupid ass

mother (bleep)!

Come at me!

(slow clapping)

It's John Kreese

from "Karate Kid"!

>> You're (bleep) right,

Billy Karate,

and the Jiu Jitsu Brothers.

I'm here to challenge you all

to a fight in this

Blackfist tournament,

because I want your belt.

>> Oh, my God!

The Cobra Kai dojo

in its entirety!

Oh, this is crazy, man.

Oh, my God--

Listen.

Unfortunately, the tournament's

for blacks only,

so you can't fight.

>> That's reverse racism, Billy.

Damn it, it is reverse--

ain't it?

All right.

We'll fight you.

>> Let's fight, (bleep).

(scattered grunting)

>> Ahh!

Ahh, we are outnumbered, boy.

>> All right, peace, brother.

>> Yeah, we're out of here.

>> You guys leaving?

>> Yeah, we gotta--

Hey, nice meeting you.

>> You got money--

>> Yeah, nice seeing you guys.

>> Y'all got money for a cab?

>> Yeah, we got it, we got it.

>> All right, be good.

>> Let me help you up, Billy.

>> All right, it's time for me

to call for backup!

(instrument playing)

Calling all the fighting spirits

of every black martial artist

in the universe!

Jar Jar Binks, Wendy Williams,

Panthro from Thundercats,

help Billy Karate!

>> I don't know what you're

doing there, Billy,

but you're through.

I'm just gonna drive the bridge

of your nose right up

through your brain.

>> Ron Artest?

>> Hey, fool, my name is

Tiny Lister!

>> What up, Ronnie?

>> Hey, buddy, I heard you need

some help.

>> Who's spreading rumors?

>> Hey, I'm gonna kick

everybody's ass!

>> I'm excited.

Do it!

>> Come here!

>> Aggh!

>> He dead.

>> If you're gonna hit me,

hit me!

>> You ready for a body bag?

>> Hey, we already got Patrice,

so we're just gonna leave,

if that's cool.

>> Okay, be good.

Hey, are you two twins?

>> I think so.

>> All right, later.

>> All right, bye.

>> Hey guys,

y'all wanna carpool home?

>> Man, shut up, Deebo,

you talk too much.

**

(whistle blowing)

>> Go long!

>> What?

**

(sniffing)

>> Thank God this ride is

a short one.

(elevator rumbling)

>> It looks like this journey

will take longer than expected.

**

>> Dude, why'd you hit

the emergency stop?

>> Because a crime

was committed here

and I, Detective

Frederique Q. Barneswaggle,

intend on solving it.

>> Okay, farting's really gross,

but it's not a crime.

>> Oh, I beg to differ.

Let's start with you, sir.

>> Start with what?

I have a surgical consultation

in five minutes.

>> Hmmm...

High-pressure job leads to

stress, stress leads to gas.

Doctor, did you use this

opportunity to let off

a little steam?

>> I did not.

Get away from me.

>> You there!

With the yoga mat.

What is your daily raw

cal consumption?

>> I only fart in class, man,

you can ask the streets.

>> Yo, this is

the fire department.

Is everyone okay?

>> No!

>> No, no, no!

>> Hush!

No, a crime was committed on

this elevator!

>> Really?

Is it like smoke and flames?

>> Oh, no.

Just farts.

>> What, sir? It's illegal to--

>> And you.

Watery eyes.

Sallow complexion...

Hungover, I presume.

>> No, someone farted

and that pipe...

that's what's making

my eyes blurry.

Yes, I am hungover.

>> Soy, coffee, cream, tea!

You might as well be eating

farts for breakfast.

Look, you all had motive,

you all had an opportunity.

And you all look like you have

stinky farts.

Are you some type of cowboy

of some sort?

>> No, sir, I work at Shell Oil.

>> And what do you do in your

spare time?

>> I judge chili cook-offs,

but I--

>> And what did you eat

for breakfast?

>> A couple pickled eggs

from the gas station--

>> Quiet!

It seems we have come

into an impasse.

>> You know what they say,

the first one

observed it, served it.

>> Yeah, the first one that

denied it, supplied it.

>> Plus, you did just lock us in

the elevator with a fart like

some madman.

>> That's insane!

Okay, I am on a tireless quest

to uncover the culprit

and I will--

(farting)

>> Oh!

>> Oh, my God.

I can smell it in my nose.

I can smell it inside my nose.

Oh, God!

It's terrible.

>> Shall we, Doctor?

>> Wait a minute.

You're the patient I'm

supposed to be seeing?

>> Yeah, man, um...

I need my butthole

sewed immediately.

It's court-ordered.

**

(whistle blowing)

>> Open!

I'm open!

>> Whoa!

>> What?!

>> Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby!

(all laughing)

(both grunting)