Original subtitles

** (soft orchestration)

>> Look here, Julian.

In our generation, we had

a thing called romance.

Oh, I can remember when I first

fell in love with your

grandmother.

Mm.

I saw the face of this

elegant woman.

She seemed a bit closed off.

But with patience,

it's possible to break down

any wall.

And by the hand of Lady Luck,

oh, ho, our stars were crossed

that evening.

In those days, you had to seize

the moment.

So I walked right up and

introduced myself.

I'll tell you, she had the voice

of an angel.

>> No!

**

>> (chuckles)

It was clear she was

a Renaissance woman.

>> Now, get it, get it.

>> She even introduced me

to her best friend Molly.

Now, Molly was the type that

could make you feel like a

million bucks.

Aw, she gave me all the

confidence in the world.

Ah! Oh.

(groaning)

(sighs)

It was truly love

at first sight.

>> Grandpa, literally, nothing

you just told me was the truth!

You stalked and hunted hundreds,

if not thousands, of innocent

women on the Internet.

>> Okay, and? Huh?

Since when is that a crime,

huh?

>> Always!

>> Okay, nephew.

You gotta get me up out

of here, man-- I can't be

in here no more, junior.

Come on, you live your life.

Oh, they got me.

Come on, get me out this future

prison!

>> Zap him.

>> Ah!

>> Take that, you old bitch!

(laughs)

>> Hey, Doc,

thanks for the toothbrush.

>> Hey.

>> You are all set, Mr. Luger.

>> Great.

Oh, and uh... the doctor told me

to ask you about a toothbrush?

>> Here you go.

>> Thanks.

>> Have a nice day.

>> No doubt.

** (hip-hop music)

>> Okay, all right, fine.

If they wanna cancel our show

after 11 episodes, then I say

let's go down in flames!

>> (all) Yeah, yeah!

>> If they don't want the next

"Cosby Show",

(bleep) 'em, right?

>> Man, I say we drive this

entire (bleep) network

into the ground.

>> But wait... what y'all

got in mind?

>> Look, I was thinking, right?

What about a black nerd?

>> But there aren't black nerds.

>> No duh,

that's the point, man.

So when we add one to this TV

show, it'll be so terrible,

every executive will lose

their jobs too-- what, huh?

Genius, ain't it?

>> And we could put that black

nerd in suspenders.

(laughter)

>> But can we give him a dumb

(bleep) name?

>> Ooh, uh, Turkel.

>> Nah, dumber, dumber.

>> Lurkel?

>> Furkel.

>> Uh, Monica.

>> Yo, step off.

I got it, right?

Urkel.

Steve Urkel.

(laughter)

>> How the (bleep) does anyone

like this?

>> Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Y'all some bona fide geniuses!

Steve Urkel?

Steve Urkel?

Who thought of that?

Was it you, Christian Slater?

You, High Top?

I got my check today,

and I cashed it!

I'm so happy, man.

Whoo!

Keep it up!

We're gonna do the show

forever, man!

(cackles)

Thank you!

>> We gotta do something.

>> I think I've got it.

Our audience loves Urkel

because he's an unbelievable

nerd (bleep).

But... what if we gave him...

a super-cool alter ego?

>> (bleep)!

Oh, my God, y'all some geniuses!

Stefan Urquelle?

* It's a rare condition

* This day and age

I can't stop singing

that stupid-ass song, man!

Keep it up, y'all, keep it up.

(bleep) Step by Step.

(cackles)

>> Let's put that wiener

in a dress!

>> (all) Yes!

>> (laughs)

>> Myrtle Urkel?

This show has lost no integrity.

Someone zip me up.

Oh, oh, my God!

Y'all have outdone yourselves,

man.

Look at this (bleep).

Look at this (bleep).

I am Urkel Bot!

Hi-yah!

(laughs)

Bruce Lee-Urkel, man!

Whoo!

(laughs)

(laughter)

>> Ah, this is it!

(laughter)

>> "Did I do that?"

(laughter)

>> (exhales sharply)

What are y'all doing playing

with matches? Come on, y'all.

We got money to make.

Play with some money.

(laughs)

It's the Urkel show!

Doing it forever!

(cackles)

(all crying)

We're gonna be on the show

forever, man!

(cackling)

>> Frank!

What up, Frank?

Is that your name?

Oh, I was just trying to guess

your name, all right, cool.

Be good, man, stay blessed.

**

>> * Dreams find your dreams

* When you're rushing around

* Find your dreams

* When you're looking down

* You gotta go

* Find your dreams *

>> Nah, I asked you for a

chopper, what you think

this is?

If you don't have my chopper...

then one of these hostages dies

today.

(gunshot)

>> All right, he didn't

take my phone.

Why don't we each call somebody

that we love and say good-bye?

You know?

>> Okay, yeah.

>> Okay.

I love you.

(chuckles)

Yeah, you'll be in my heart

too.

>> Look, I will always

be your man.

Always.

>> Hey, Mary, it's-- it's Josh.

I just... wanted to call

and say--

>> Jesus Christ, Josh.

Stop calling me, all right?

You were a mistake.

I made out with you for, like,

a minute three years ago,

all right? Stop calling me!

(phone clicks)

>> Just give me one second.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Girls.

(dial tone rings)

>> Yo!

>> Hey, Chad, it's, uh--

it's Josh.

>> Josh, yo, what's up, man?

>> I'm doing... doing good.

Uh, well, I'm actual--

well, I'm at a bank, and, uh,

I'm being held hostage, and...

I just wanted to say good-bye

because you're my best friend.

>> I am?

Is this Josh Rom

or Josh Williams?

>> It's, uh, Josh from--

from work... from work.

>> Oh, work Josh, okay.

Uh, okay, all right.

How'd you get my number?

>> Um, remember the blizzard

last winter, and you were out

of the office, and I went by

your desk, and I memorized your

number 'cause it was--

I saw it.

>> Now, honestly,

I'm trying to picture your face,

and I can't.

I don't remember your face.

>> Uh... Chad, I-- you know,

I don't know what's gonna

happen, so I just wanted you to

know that whatever does...

I love you, man.

>> What the (bleep) you talking

about?

(phone clicks)

(clears throat)

>> Who is this-- is this yours?

>> All right.

Who's it gonna be?

>> What, why, why? No...

>> Yes, yes, he's a loser,

so you should... him.

>> He ain't got no friends.

>> Wait.

Is that true?

>> Yeah.

>> I don't have no friends

neither, man.

I mean, that's...

that's why I rob.

** (soft acoustic guitar)

Yes.

>> My name is Josh,

and I love you.

>> My name is Mark, and I--

(gunshot)

>> Mark!

Mark!

Mark!

Mark, say something!

Mark?

Say anything, Mark.

And that is why I named you

Mark.

>> Thank you so much for coming

on such short notice.

>> Oh, no problem, lady.

>> I thought those ants would

never leave.

>> Oh, they didn't stand

a chance.

We're the best in the business.

Take care.

>> Thank you.

**

(Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"

playing)

(pounding dance music playing)

>> Man, this is why we need more

black superheroes.

Can't believe we all dressed as

Blade.

>> Blade? Nah, man.

We're Morpheuses.

>> Yeah, dude, I'm

Big Daddy Kane, you idiot.

>> I'm Ray Charles with a sword.

>> I don't know you're not

tucking in y'all shirt.

>> Yeah.

>> Tuck your shirt in, man.

>> (all) Tuck your shirt in.

>> Yeah.

>> You know what?

It does look dumb.

(overlapping agreeing)

**

>> Hey, man, I'm saying, dude,

like... wolves nowadays is

getting a real bad rap.

You always see pictures of

wolves, like, destroying things,

ripping things up.

You never see a wolf just

hanging out, looking sweet.

>> Yeah, dude.

>> It's not right, dude.

I gotta tell more people in the

streets about this, man.

I'm sorry, I'll keep moving,

but, you know, just...

food for thought, dude,

you know?

Yo, man, I was just telling this

dude, it's just, like, wolves

nowadays...

**

>> Oh!

(cheering)

>> Did y'all see that?

That was crazy!

Oh, baby!

It's not over, everybody.

Here we go.

Coming up next, this dude right

here really needs no

introduction.

Straight representing from

Brooklyn, I need y'all to make

some noise for my main man,

Smooth!

(cheers and applause)

Let's go!

**

>> Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

>> That was the lamest dunk

I've ever seen.

>> That (bleep) was terrible.

>> Pretty sure I saw

Bill Russell do that (bleep)

in 1967, man.

>> That's zero points.

Not on my watch.

>> That's a good use of that

phrase, man.

>> I know, I know, I've been

saving up for it for a moment

like this.

>> Perfect.

>> Oh, yeah, here we go!

Lock your laptop because this

signal got all four bars.

I need y'all to show some love

for my boy, from Queens,

Wi-Fly!

Let's go!

**

>> Not interested.

>> No.

>> If I could give something

less than a zero, I would.

That dunk sucked.

>> Yup, not on my watch.

>> Used it again.

>> Callback, that's called

a callback, brother.

>> Yo, our last dunker of the

day, representing BK

with one of the most ridiculous

names I've ever heard

in my life, give it up for

Keithany Brucas!

>> Yes, whoo!

>> That's what I'm talking

about-- give it up, baby.

>> Crazy aim, this guy's--

>> Great face, let me tell you--

this is what we've been waiting

for.

**

Damn, that was perfect.

Yeah, baby.

>> You got to go.

>> The glasses, the hat, that's

what I'm talking about, baby.

That dunk was pretty average...

>> That was-- that was okay--

>> But-- but you dress

phenomenal.

**

>> What's your return policy?

>> 30 days with receipt.

>> Your resume says you

graduated valedictorian

from Harvard.

>> That's exactly what

I wrote down.

>> Well... we'd like

to offer you the job.

(both chuckle)

**

>> * Party

>> (roars)

>> Barack Obama.

There you have it.

The United States has agreed to

dispose of all weapons

of mass destruction.

(applause)

>> And it's with great pleasure

that I, Vladimir Putin,

can say the global peace treaty

has been signed by all countries

representing the G8 Summit.

(laughs)

>> Yes, yes, yes.

This makes Prime Minister

of Japan Shinzo Abe very happy.

Very, very happy.

>> Mm, mm.

Who loves orange soda?

Obama loves orange soda.

I do, I do, I do, ooh.

(laughter)

>> What did you just say?

>> Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just quoting a television

show from the '90s.

>> Yes, it's, uh, "Kenan & Kel."

I, Angela Merkel, as well as the

rest of the Merkels,

we love that show.

>> Fantastic show.

>> Me too.

Kel was so damn funny.

>> Ah, yes.

>> The best characters.

>> No!

You got it all wrong!

Kenan is the greatest.

>> Well, I'm not saying

Kenan wasn't good.

I'm just saying Kel

was a little better.

But any leader who puts his

country's economy before war

would know that.

>> Ooh, hoo, hoo.

>> Of course your country

loves Kel.

He's loud, and he's black.

>> What?

>> I'm Matteo Renzi from Italy.

I actually agree with Mr. Putin.

Kenan was much greater.

>> I, Francois Hollande,

think you need both of them.

You can't have Kenan without

Kel, and Kel without Kenan.

I'm French.

>> You make a great point, okay?

They both work great as as team.

But this imbecile

choose to think that Kel

is better than Kenan,

and it's just not true!

>> Kel was obviously way better.

>> They both are.

>> You don't need both 'cause

Kel is better.

No.

>> What are you saying?

It's Kenan, You Yankee skunk!

**

>> Kel was better in

"Good Burger."

>> Hey, I'm Canada's Stephen

Harper, and I got burgers, eh?

>> You all right?

>> Yeah.

>> Hey.

Name's Kel.

Yeah, I was over making

some couscous, and I overheard

you guys having a little

commotion, and I thought I'd

sneak over here so we can work

things out, okay?

Look, it doesn't matter

who you like better,

Kenan or me.

What matter is that we made

your childhood enjoyable.

Look, I don't want world peace

to hinge on the shoulders of

"Kenan & Kel."

I just don't.

Come on.

>> All right, he's right, okay?

Look, let's do this.

Let's take a shot of this orange

soda to show everyone

we've made up, all right?

Come on, grab a glass, everyone.

>> I'm with that, come on.

>> Let's do it.

>> Who loves orange soda?

>> (all) Kel loves orange soda.

I do, I do, I do.

(chuckling)

Ah, I don't!

(coughs)

Gross!

(coughs)

Look, I tried to do it with

y'all, I really did.

But, look, I drank too much of

it, and the fructose burns my

throat, I can't do it no more.

Okay? I'm sorry.

Here you go.

(clears throat)

World peace.

>> It's all a lie!

(all sob)

>> We're here with

Mason Plumlee, star of the

Brooklyn Nets and First Team

All-Rookie.

>> He's gonna try to dunk it,

but we're gonna block it

'cause we're nice.

>> Let's go, let's go, baby.

>> Ah!

Ah!

(overlapping chatter)

>> Y'all said you was gonna

block me, y'all said you was

gonna block me.

>> I didn't say block, I said

"propel."

>> Oh, my goodness.

**

>> Hey, how you doing?

Would you mind if I got a, uh--

a napkin, just, like, a napkin?

Oh, thank you very much, thanks.

**

(whooping and cheering)

>> Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I am ready for some "man"-tasy.

(all cheer)

>> Did somebody say they ready

to see a "man"-tasy?

(all cheer)

>> I cannot hear you.

Did somebody say my name?

I'm in the cake.

(all cheer)

>> Whoo!

Yeah!

>> Yeah!

>> I ruined your cake!

(laughter)

Yeah!

Look at these sequins!

(all cheer)

* Dancing out of some cake

* Dancing out of some cake

* Dancing

(coughing)

>> Oh, someone needs a doctor.

>> (both) Someone needs a

doctor!

>> Oh, my God, ooh, yeah.

>> Are there nuts in this cake?

>> Ooh, you bet your sweet ass

there's nuts!

(cheering)

(overlapping chatter)

>> Oh, (bleep), a pecan!

Oh, oh!

I'm allergic to pecans.

(overlapping shouting)

>> Shake it, shake it, shake it,

baby, shake it, baby...

>> Whoo, shake it!

>> Oh, somebody get me a shot!

>> (all) Shot, shot, shot, shot,

shot, shot--

>> I need an EpiPen!

>> (all) Shot, shot, shot, shot,

shot, shot, shot, shot--

Oh.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh.

>> Uh-oh.

>> I don't know, I--

I don't think he's okay.

>> Do something.

>> (all) Yeah!

>> Hi, hi, hi, hi!

>> Hey, sir, yo.

Would you, uh-- would you mind,

uh, racing our friend?

>> He's real tall and strong.

>> I can take him,

I can take him.

>> Yeah?

>> You can take him?

>> You need somebody to hold

your book bag?

>> So this'll be-- this'll be a

standard, uh, race between

Kevin and Tyler.

The first person to get to the

twins wins.

All right, Rel-- Rel will do

the National Anthem.

>> No, I'm not doing that.

>> Okay.

>> On your mark!

>> Oh, it's going down, bro.

>> Get set!

Go!

>> Go, go, go, go, go, go!

(laughter)

>> My shoe slipped!

It's the shoe that slipped!

This is all I have!

Man, we gotta do it again.

(overlapping chatter)

It was the shoes.

It was the shoes, man.

>> Yay!

(bleep)

>> You saw, it was the shoes,

man.

I slipped, it was wet over

there, you know it was wet.

>> Uh, sir, how does it feel to

lose so badly?

>> I didn't lose because that

should've been discounted, man..

Something was over there that

I slipped on, it wasn't fair.

>> Uh, sir, it looks as though

there's nothing wet over there

at all, so what could you have

slipped on that--

>> There was something wet.

I felt something wet in my feet.

You weren't over there, Jen.

>> Do you see that? That is the

sound of failure right there.