Original subtitles

The flowers were lovely. Thank you.

Well, great, yeah.

Jane picked them out.

Oh! Well, they weren't

the most expensive flowers I've gotten,

but I guess it's the thought that counts,

which I could use right now, especially with

all of Sharon's bullshit I've been putting up with.

I'm sorry. What'd she do?

Well, she never thanked me for the portrait I gave her.

So I said something.

And I guess I deserved it because I'm too nice.

Lesson learned.

But disinviting me to Thanksgiving last minute,

and I'm the toxic one?

-Mm. -You should come to ours.

Really? You mean that?

Of course, we'd love that.

Yeah, totally, or you could patch things up

with Aunt Sharon. [nervous chuckle]

I would love to join you, but I was afraid to ask,

'cause I'd hate to put you two on the spot.

Well, yeah, Mom. Come to Friendsgiving,

-unless you-- -It'll be fun.

What? Friendsgiving. What's that?

Friendsgiving.

Well, it's pretty much Thanksgiving with friends.

Friendsgiving.

It's just a stupid name people are calling it now.

Don't worry, just come, no pressure.

We'd be really excited to have you.

[John] Yeah, totally.

[Jane] The only reason we didn't invite you in the first place

is because we knew you were doing it at Aunt Sharon's,

but this is great.

Yeah.

[Jane] Um, please don't feel like we left you out,

we would never.

And don't feel beholden to us, too.

If you make up with Aunt Sharon, then...

[Mother] Yeah?

Then... well, that's cool.

Friendsgiving, so dumb.

Wasn't Familiesgiving when you were growing up.

-Mm. -[Mother] Imagine that.

-Probably some PC bullshit. -[John] Yeah.

Who else is gonna be at this Friendsgiving?

A couple of friends.

Mm. Anybody that I know?

Just a friend from college.

And my buddy, Jake.

And John's father. And Rick.

[spits]

We were just thinking,

because you were gonna be

spending Thanksgiving with Aunt Sharon,

and Dad was gonna be in town that--

Oh, wow, this is awkward--

That, uh-- So we were previously thinking that, um--

-you-- -We invited them.

[John] We invited them.

What?

-[John] Mom? -[groans]

-[John] Mom! -Ahh!

-Oh, shit. -This is it.

Mom? Mom, are you all right?

-[groans] -She fainted.

Yeah. I'll go get some water.

[groans]

You're such a good boy, Johnny, always have been.

I'm sorry I fainted.

Don't apologize. Rest.

I'm sorry for what your father did to us,

and you at such a young age.

-Such a shame. -Mm.

But don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

-No, Mom, just take it easy. -No, no, I'm okay.

We'll get through this Thanksgiving.

Sorry, Friendsgiving.

I was just shocked to hear your father was joining us

since it's our Friendsgiving,

but I'll be fine, don't make a fuss.

And please make sure your father doesn't bring Rick, too.

What? But we already told him to come.

No, no, no, no, no, that's non-negotiable.

But, Mom, this is so awkward.

We can't just disinvite them like that.

Well, I-- I guess if she insists.

Oh, I insist.

Okay, I'm gonna rest up.

Wow, that was a lot.

[door closes]

Fucking great. God.

Sorry, babe.

I know this means a lot to you.

It's okay, I just don't want any drama, you know?

I just want our Friendsgiving to be chill.

Ah! Fuck me!

Stupid thing.

I should have seen it comin' with the flower comment.

Idiot!

[grunts]

When are you gonna tell your dad?

[John] Tomorrow, I guess.

God, this whole situation really sucks.

[gargling]

[John] I mean, how are those flowers

not expensive enough?

Maybe it's me.

[John] And they divorced, like, five years ago.

It's not like some childhood trauma.

Babe, we'll get through this.

Ugh!

[Jane] Babe?

You're going to sleep now?

Yeah, I'm drained.

You really think she fainted?

What do you mean, like, she faked it or something?

Wouldn't put it past her.

She's done much crazier shit before.

Says the guy who's in bed and didn't even take his shoes off.

Mm... [sighs]

Babe, it's okay.

Trust me, she's gonna fuck the whole thing up.

She does this every time.

I mean...

I can't tell my dad not to bring Rick.

It's his husband.

You're not supposed to negotiate with terrorists.

One thousand percent it wasn't because of her portrait.

Aunt Sharon just got sick of her shit,

and she doesn't want her making a scene

at Thanksgiving this year.

I think you're overreacting.

It's your mom, she loves you.

I mean, it's either some passive aggressive victim stuff

or she's going off about

some Q-Anon conspiracy play-by-play,

which is definitely going to trigger my dad,

and then they'll get into one of their fights,

which will definitely not be chill

in front of our friends.

She just wants your attention.

You always do this. It's both of you.

[knocking]

[sighs]

Son, what's going on?

Here you go, Dad.

Mm. What's this?

A script.

Yeah, I was just thinking, you know how Jane and I

are doing the Friendsgiving tonight--

-Yeah. -And you and Rick

were all planning on coming together.

I fear this is one of your crazy schemes

having to do with your mother.

Like your birthday again.

Well, this is a little different, Dad.

[groans] Here we go.

-About Rick-- -Mm-hm.

She got into a thing with Aunt Sharon,

so she's not going to hers anymore,

so she told us she's coming to ours and, uh,

-she, uh-- -Mm-hm.

She says Rick can't be there.

-What? -Yeah.

-I can't do that to Rick. -Yeah, uh--

We're going on a cruise tomorrow.

Well, she fainted and then she insisted.

So I figured we have to accept that she's coming,

and I came up with a way

to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible

because holidays mean a lot to Jane.

So I wrote up some prompts and responses

to avoid any landmines, and I figure if we

stay on script and not take the bait

instead of getting into a fight,

we can, like, get in front of it and like,

you know, like fix it,

uh, before it becomes a thing.

'Cause you abandoned me with this crazy woman

and I need you to do this for me.

"If she brings up Pizzagate,

say, 'That sounds like a serious crime.'"

"Don't argue with facts?"

Well, instead of proving her wrong,

you just listen and say, "Yeah."

You just drop this on me and somehow expect me to

memorize 80 pages of this nonsense at the last minute?

[scoffs]

I don't think you've gamed this all out.

Well, uh... but I did.

Maybe my friend Dave could, like, radio it to you.

There's no way.

[John] Also, please don't mention the cruise.

[John] Good news, babe. I talked to my dad

and I think it's all gonna be totally okay.

You were right.

I'm feeling good about this now.

Oh, that's great news.

Your mom's here and she brought her housekeeper.

[John] Really? That okay?

Well, yeah, I just wasn't expecting it.

And, of course, you put the centerpiece in the middle

where the food is supposed to go.

Yeah. I put it in the middle.

That's what it's called a centerpiece for.

[Mother] Don't get cute, Annie, not now.

This is my Friendsgiving, okay?

[Jane] I should probably go help them.

Love you, babe. See you soon.

Love you t-- Oh, the fuck, dude!

Sorry, I was just-- Oh.

Much better, right?

Where's the centerpiece?

Oh, here it is. Weird.

-Oh, Annie must have moved it. -It's okay, I'll just put it

right back here where it was before.

They actually were quite expensive, these ones.

Uh-- Did you make place cards?

Yeah. Definitely not sittin' next to him.

Really?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not for my Friendsgiving.

Oh, because we were thinking,

like, maybe this could be more casual.

Well, you thought wrong.

Yeah, just go ahead and commandeer

all the stuff I've been cooking.

That's totally normal behavior.

Annie, it's not a good idea

to use that tray for the soup.

And there's not enough seasoning

in it either, by the way.

You've gotta be kidding me?

Oh, this gravy's all lumpy.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God! -I'll save it for you.

Sorry I'm late, babe, had to take care of

a few things on the way home.

It's all good, though. It is all good.

That's cool. Been stuck here with Annie and your mom.

[John] Yeah, sorry, I didn't realize she'd bring her, too.

But I'm sure it's nice to have

some extra help around the house.

Seems like a pretty tense vibe

going on between those two.

[John] Ah, it's nothin'.

They're like two old friends.

You know?

Sure. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.

Don't worry, babe. Things are gonna go great.

It's gonna be awesome. Totally smooth.

I'm psyched.

Check you out, positive guy.

[chuckles] My God.

Hell, yeah.

I'm not gonna get all stressed out about it.

Yeah?

And I'm gonna do everything in my power

to make it a super chill Friendsgiving.

I know how much it means to you.

And I want to honor that.

-Because, uh-- -Because?

-Because... -Yes?

I love you.

Aww, John.

All right. Well, it's all downhill from here.

You're not up to something weird, right?

Weird? What--

Why would I be up to something weird?

Well, you're kind of going overboard here,

and it just feels weird.

No. Everything's cool.

Is that true?

Of course. I know how much this means to you.

I'm jazzed!

Oh, whoa, look at the time. Yeah, we gotta boogie.

-Wait. -Come on.

You promise?

Yeah, babe, I promise. Let's do this. Rock and roll.

-Son? -[Jane] Rock and roll?

Dad. Sorry to keep you guys waiting.

We're just running a little bit late.

-Hi. -Aren't we fortunate that

we've been having such lovely weather

-the last few days, huh? -I guess.

-More turkey? -No.

Well, a friend forwarded me a very informative post today

about all those illegal immigrants

pouring across our borders.

Did you know in addition to taking our jobs

and spreading crime and terrorism,

-they're Marxists, too? -That's interesting.

Never thought about immigration that way.

-Thank you for sharing that. -[Mother] Uh, you're welcome?

[Dad] Perhaps you can forward me that article

-so we can discuss it. -[scoffs]

My friend forwarded me this video

where it's, like, animals saving other animals,

and sometimes it's interspecial.

Like a bobcat saving a baby moose from drowning.

What was that?

Uh, yeah, my friend sent me this video where there's a bobcat

that saves a baby moose from drowning.

[Mother] Baby moose?

Wow, I could totally believe that.

[Dad] Wow, I can totally believe that.

-You're teaching me. -[Dad] You are teaching me,

and I'm grateful for the wisdom.

Thank you so much.

I'll take it.

[Jane] For sure. it's just cute.

[Mother] Annie, you don't just take

people's plates away like that while they're still eating.

Annie, I know you can hear me through that door.

Such a bitch.

So what do you think about the Miami Heat?

Uh, well, I agree that the jury's still out.

We can't always listen to the scientists, now can we?

-I really appreciate-- -[Dad] I really appreciate

your perspective and value your insights.

You've certainly given me a lot to think about...

-Huh? -[Dad] ...on a complex issue.

-Huh? -[radio static]

-I'm getting a lot of interference.

-[man] Classic rock-- -Can you hear me?

-Ignore it. -[air horn blasts]

-Come on, baby, light my fire.

-Hello? -[man] Next up, Zeppelin.

[sighs] Right. I guess I was...

talking more about basketball.

Take care of this as soon as possible.

I can't deal with this shit anymore.

-Uh--

[Mother] The fuck was that, Don?

You havin' a stroke? What the hell?

-[John] Mom, how's your food? -[Mother] Eh. Over-seasoned.

I told Annie to take it easy on the salt,

but she never listens.

[Annie] You know I can hear you, right?

[Mother] At least the gravy isn't lumpy.

-That's because I saved it. -[Dad] I think we're back.

[John] Dad, maybe we, uh--

[Dad] You really do have a refined palate.

[Mother] What? Why are you being so complimentary?

He must have had a stroke. Oh! Speak of the devil.

-Annie. Give this to John. -[Mother] She hates me.

You hate me, don't you, Annie?

Just like Sharon.

[Dad] Eunice, do you have any travel plans?

-Nope. -Travel plans. That's cool.

-Excuse me. -Where you goin'?

-To the bathroom. -During the meal?

I'll be back in a minute, okay?

During the meal?

[Dad] I hear Aspen is nice this time of year.

[Mother] Aspen? I'd much prefer a cruise.

I hear something weird.

-[Dad] Don't talk about cruises. -[man] Mayday. Mayday.

-[Dad] Mayday. Mayday. -[Mother] Mayday?

-[static] -Is that the family?

Stuck here. No way out.

[static]

If you don't send help,

I'm not sure we're gonna make it.

[Dad] We have provisions,

but I'm not sure how long they will last.

I repeat, mayday, mayday.

If you see my son, tell him I miss him

and I love him.

-May God bless him. -Oh...

[Mother] Are you being sarcastic, Don?

Um, John?

-What if I made it 250? -No.

No?

Okay, how about you just take this and we'll talk about it.

I don't care about the money, I'm out.

We'll work it out tomorrow... okay, okay.

You're right, let's, uh...

275.

[Dad] Keep peddling, guys.

Use your power to get on the leaderboard.

Um, babe?

Increase the resistance by two.

You'll feel it in your legs, y'all.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Like, what's the deal with bumper stickers?

-Everything's cool. -Bumper stickers?

-I'll be right back. -Hey, babe...

You're monopolizing the conversation.

Have you ever noticed that anybody

who has them on their car...

...is a bad driver, man?

Shots fired, the thrills. Could be, like--

Hey, let me put some reading material on my bumper.

Maybe there's a correlation?

For sure there is, it's like my theory that all people

who drink water with a straw can't be trusted.

-Oh, definitely. -What?

I mean, I get it. It's a liquid.

-Sorry about that. -[Dad] It just feels wrong.

[Mother] What is this, comedy hour?

And don't get me started on foodies.

I get it, you like taking photos of shrimp.

Or your $18 uni toast.

[Mother] The real joke is how he left me for a gardener.

Sorry, landscape architect.

[Dad] This is Red Dog leader.

What the fuck you just say to me, Eunice?

[John] Dad, Dad, no.

[Dad] Sorry, son, I can't do this charade any more.

Can you read me?

[Mother] Cocksucking homewrecker.

[John] Mom!

[Dad] Leave Rick out of this, you bigoted bitch.

[John] Uh, Dad?

Kind of hoping we could leave the past in the past.

[Mother] Bitch? You're calling me a bitch?

-Is that a wire? -[Mother] I'm a bitch?

Um, yeah. Mega-bitch.

[Mother] You're the bitch, bitch!

-Oh, fuck. -Maybe you should have

-honored our marriage. -[Dad] If you had even an ounce

of the goodness Rick has inside him, maybe I would have.

I'd like to take this opportunity to...

[Mother] That's not all he's got inside of him.

[Dad] My only regret is not leaving you sooner.

...to make a toast.

[Mother] I hate you and your stupid fat cigar chomping

cabbage patch-ass face.

[Dad] And I hate you and your weaponized bitterness

and oblique, Eunice, you fucking sociopath.

[Mother] You're such a bitch.

[Dad] Good job, keep spreading your bile.

[Mother] I feel sick.

Well, that was quite an adventure.

I would have been better off if I'd just gone to Sharon's.

[screeches]

Don't like the article, Jane?

Jesus!

What the hell?

-Babe. -What's gotten into you?

Oh, give me a break.

You're constantly coming at me,

and I'm always trying to make it pleasant for you

-while he's-- -[John] Babe, take it easy.

I've never come at you and I resent that accusation.

-Nothing's ever good enough. -That's not true.

-The flowers, the food. -Got a mouth on her.

Like, Mom, how do you think that's an okay thing to say?

Sorry I'm not okay, John.

Even that right there.

It's like you're always so passive aggressive all the time.

Well, maybe you're just too sensitive.

Ugh!

I'm the one who had to suffer through your father's antics

when he ruined my Friendsgiving.

It wasn't your Friendsgiving, Mom, it was Jane's.

It was supposed to be our Thanksgiving.

Friendsgiving.

Mom, stop.

-Jane, will ya? -Pointless.

-Kick me while I'm down. -Please.

All I wanted was a nice, fun night. So depressing.

I guess I'm responsible for her chemical imbalance, too.

Just stop it. The fuck, Mom?

[gasps]

[coughs]

Mom?

Unbelievable.

Great, was it worth her losing her shit?

What about me, don't I count?

Yeah, I defended you, but she's a live wire.

You know that. You know how worked up

I get around her.

Yes, literally every fucking time.

And speaking of wires, you put a fucking wire

under your father's coat and you're feeding him lines

secretly under the table.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Babe, it was working for a sec, though.

[groans]

Damn.

God.

Idiot.

[knocking]

Who is it?

It's me.

-John. -Hey, Rick.

I'm so sorry about everything.

You could've called and let us know

before you just showed up.

You're right. Where's Dad?

He's asleep, John. We're going on a cruise in the morning.

I know, I just need to speak to him for a minute.

Please. Please, Rick.

I'm sorry, John, but he's really stressed out,

and he really needs his sleep.

Plus, you disinvited me!

I'm sorry, Rick, I should have fought for you or something.

Hey, Dad.

Dad.

John, let him sleep.

He took a melatonin.

Hey, Dad.

We need to talk.

Dad, can you wake up?

-John, you're out of control. -Come on, Dad.

Please, we need to talk.

What? What the hell are you doing here?

Things got way worse with Mom and Jane.

What the fuck?

I just really don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Don't you think you've done enough already?

I mean, Johnny, you took an awkward situation,

and turned it into a dumpster fire.

I know, but...

I'm done with this shit.

It didn't work because...

Because Dave got a cheap Bluetooth headset

and you started responding to Jane like she was Mom.

That's not why. What time is it?

I don't know, but the plan was actually a good one

that was working at first.

Maybe if we use wi-fi or something instead of Bluetooth,

or maybe if we fix it by saying

that you had a brand new hearing aid

and it was on the fritz.

I know you and Rick have that cruise tomorrow.

Son, you've got to quit while you're ahead.

I'm not ahead, Dad.

Mom is pissed at me. Jane is pissed at me.

They got into a massive fight.

[Rick] Yeah, what did you expect?

I know, I'm a moron, Rick.

I just can't believe the hoops I've got to jump through

just to keep things civil.

Ugh, idiot.

Son, maybe you shouldn't be jumping through hoops at all.

Your mom is exhausting.

I should know that better than anyone.

She might suffocate you in her Chantilly-laced

cottage core vitriol, but she's still your mom.

I know, Dad. But it's relentless.

She's constantly negging Jane,

and nothing's ever good enough.

And I get it. I spazz out and I make it worse.

Jane's right. Ugh.

Self-fulfilling prophecy, every time.

Fucking ruined her holiday.

Ugh.

It's my birthday again.

Rick, can you bring me our tickets?

Uh, yeah, I just saw them.

[Dad] Aren't they in the kitchen?

-Okay, yeah, I'll go check. -Thanks, love.

Your mom just wants to be appreciated.

And you can't always count on me

bailing you out every time.

[Rick] Ooh, found 'em.

Rick's gonna kill me.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

You were right. You're always right.

I let you down.

I suck.

Yeah.

You suck.

-You really suck. -Don't sugarcoat it.

Where'd you go?

To ask my dad for advice.

What did he say?

Well, that my plan was really stupid.

-No shit. -Yeah.

Any my mom's looking for appreciation.

And it would go a long way if I just gave it to her.

Appreciation?

Yeah.

You agreed?

No, no, no, no, fuck that.

Yeah, I agreed, but

I don't know why it's so hard for me to let my guard down

when she's around, so...

It's so hard.

Hey, did you even get to eat dinner tonight?

No, I didn't.

You want me to grab you some leftovers from the kitchen?

You must be starving.

Yeah.

I'm done acting like a bitch.

Oh, yeah? What does that even mean?

Well...

I think I came up with a good idea

with my dad for how to fix this.

New idea? I'm afraid to ask.

Babe...

I'm putting a ban on your ideas.

But this one's actually good.

You just said you're done being a bitch.

Well, don't you even want to hear it?

I mean...

-We'll call up my mom. -Okay, so far, so good.

-Go on. -Yeah, yeah.

And then I say we're really sorry for everything

that happened to you last night.

We? Don't overdo it too much.

Right, we don't want to rehash events too much.

We need to set some boundaries, also.

Then I say Mom, we booked you a cruise

as a token of our appreciation.

We booked a cruise? Wow.

That's fucking brilliant, John.

She'll love that.

She was talking about that. On a ship, right?

[John] Yeah, on a ship, what else would it be?

-[John] It's legit. -[Jane] Just making sure.

[fog horn blows]

Everybody have your tickets ready?

And your passports out.

Tickets ready and passports out.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you two did this for me.

Thanks so much.

-Of course. -And does your father know

that you got a cruise for me?

Well, no, I figured he probably shouldn't find out.

He'll be jealous. I think you should.

-Have a fun trip. -Thanks, I will, sweetie.

Oh, come here, monkey.

-Okay, Mom. -I love you so much.

I love you so much.

-Bye, monkey. -Goodbye.

Send us pics.

-Oh. -What's this?

A little present to say thanks.

Bye, Mom.

[Jane] Thank you.

[fog horn blows]

[Jane] Your dad just gave you his tickets?

[John] Yeah. I mean, Rick was pissed, but...

[Jane] You really made her happy.

Let's open it.

-Uh, no, Jane. -Come on. Come on.

-What are you doing? -No, no, no.

It's just going to be something that totally

-kills the vibe. -Give it to me!

-No babe, please! -Give it to me!

No, no, no, no, no. Real aggressive, babe.

[Jane] You're the one that was trying to play keep-away.

Whoa.

That's sweet.

Oh, she likes me.

Who gives someone a photo of themselves?

It's sweet.

It's a trap.

Better send her a thank you card

unlike Aunt Sharon before she fucks up our Christmas.

Babe!