Original subtitles

- These are good fish and chips. - Mmm.

I reckon this is the best fish and chip shop

in the greater Wellington region.

No. The best fish and chip shop is the vegan fish and chip shop.

- Isn't that just a chip shop? - Yeah.

But... Hey, you've got... you've got grease on your face.

No, no. This side.

I'm doing that.

No, no. I'm like, it's like a mirror.

Oh. You're one of those mirrorers.

You're meant to do...

..comparatitable.

- Comparatitable? - Mmm.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, just because you don't know all the big words

doesn't mean it's not a real word.

Just think about how a mirror works, right?

- Yeah. - OK. Imagine that's a mirror.

- Right? OK? - Yeah.

And then I'm saying to you, "There's the food."

Yeah. But that's when we're sitting across from each other.

We're sitting beside each other.

So you're be pointing there, and then it would be here.

Well, I'm pointing there.

But I'm not, because it's a mirror. So that's there.

We're sitting next to each other.

But what about when we're sitting like this?

Well, when we are sitting like that, sure, but...

OK. Then you've got grease on your face here.

Just here.

Just there?

There.

Well, I don't think you need to point in my face.

MAAKA: Uh, testing. One, two, one, two.

Can you tell me if this radio is working? Over.

- Yes. It's working, Sarge. - Oh, good. I've got new batteries.

I'm gonna need you to go out and investigate a disturbance

at Taita Petrol Station.

- A disturbance? - Yeah.

- That sounds disturbing. - It's a disturbing disturbance.

- Yeah. Copy that. - Yep. Copy that.

- Can I put the siren on? - Yeah. Definitely put the siren on.

- Mmm. - We've got to get there fast.

This is the scene of the disturbance.

Yeah, I know. I just drove here.

Gidday, mate. We've had a report of some unusual activity here.

Yeah.

OK. What happened?

I didn't see anything. Happened over in the car wash.

- That car wash? - Yeah.

Some dodgy stuff happened, but...I didn't do anything.

- Dodgy? - I heard him say "dodgy".

Yep. Hey, look, it might be easier

if we just came inside for a bit of a chat.

Yeah. So, compromise my safety if you guys come in.

But we're police officers.

Yeah. I've heard that one before.

What? You think we're fake police officers?

Yeah.

OK. Where do you think we got our police car?

I don't know. Online?

OK. Well, look, look, do you have any information

as to what happened here tonight?

Any more information that could help us out?

Yeah. I've got a security video here.

That might have been quite helpful a little bit earlier on.

So, here we have our car coming up.

- Mmm-hmm. - Yep.

They came and bought a coupon before,

punching in the couple of digits that you've got to put in for it.

Mmm-hmm.

Then they're going for a premium, premium wash.

Ooh. Here they go, going in.

About four people in it.

So now their car is getting a bit of a wash.

Yep.

Still in there.

Still in there.

Yep.

- Still in there. Still... - Yeah, I got it.

- Yeah, still in there. - Yeah.

Here they come. Here they come here.

There's no one in there.

Where's that car now?

Ooh. What is that smell? That is horrific.

Ugh.

That is so much worse. And there's slime in there.

- Oh. - What kind of car wash is this?

What's this?

- Ugh. - Look at that.

- Are you scared? - No.

Actually just concerned,

because we're not meant to be tampering with evidence, I think.

Don't think I really want to walk in there.

Ooh. Bloody hell.

Use your baton.

Eight, two, nine, three, eight, two.

- Eight, two, nine... - ..two, nine, three...

..three, eight, two.

- Asterisk. Can you hold that? - Good teamwork.

They never put those bits in, though, do they?

- No. - You know?

Well, they consider that stuff boring, don't they?

Well, it's actually not boring at all. I mean, it's excellent policing.

And it sends a really good message out to people, doesn't it?

Cooperation.

It's not as exciting as I remember car washes being.

Mmm.

Do you want to put on some music?

- Oh! Popsicle down! - Oh!

Minogue, look, that's how we get ants in the car.

Did you get it?

You get your little hands in there.

- Well, you put your long fingers. - Look, comparatively.

Put your long fingers down there to get the ice block you dropped.

I am. But, you know...

Pull the seat back, because I can't reach around.

Oh! What is that?

- That's not even your ice block. - I got the stick.

That's from last week's one.

Oh, well, get that one. Don't leave that down there.

- That's not even an iceblock. - I've got it. I've got it.

Is that normal?

No, don't open the windows in the car wash.

What kind of car wash did you get?

Mega.

Should I have got basic?

O'Leary. There's someone out there.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

They're asking for help.

Well, we've got to help them. We've got a responsibility.

- No way. Don't do it, O'Leary! - I'm gonna open the window.

But you said don't open it! You said don't open the window!

- O'Leary! - Join us.

Oh. No, that's not a good idea.

Help me.

Don't touch her face!

That's a police face! Get your hand off it!

- Yuck! Don't! - Oh. That's disgusting.

Why are you swallowing it? You shouldn't be swallowing it!

I'm trying to tell you to put the window up!

Out!

- Ugh! - That was violating my face.

Ugh! That was disgusting. Ugh.

Well, that's why you don't unwind your window in a car wash, isn't it?

Thank you, Minogue.

- Do the slide. - Yeah.

Yeah!

There's still people in there.

Where are they?

All right.

Just before you guys go out tonight, I would like to commend Parker

for what a great job he's done in confiscating fireworks this week.

Thanks, Sarge.

Yeah. It's not easy being the fun police,

but sometimes you've got to ruin everyone's Guy Fawkes

for the sake of public safety.

I actually think that the fun police are just police who are fun.

So, you know, fun police. So...

You know what? That is a great attitude.

And speaking of fun police...

we're gonna be doing a bit of a controlled burn-off of said fireworks

at the back of the police station on Friday night, eh?

- Any big ones in there? - Whoa, mama. There's TNT in here!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Parker, be extremely careful with that.

OK. Oh, shit.

All right. Uh, that's enough for tonight.

Get out there and make our communities feel safe.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, not you two, Minogue and O'Leary.

You know where to meet me.

- Is this where you wanted to meet? - Obviously. Mmm.

So, let me get this straight.

Not only did you not find the missing persons, not find the suspect,

you also managed to ruin your uniforms.

And a car.

Yeah, but it could've been worse.

- How? - Hmm...

We could have ruined the car worse.

Let's keep this brief. You both smell horrible.

Can you give me a description of what the assailant looked like?

Description is tough.

Yeah. I mean, I'd start with blobby.

I'd throw in gelatinous.

- Blobby... - Very good.

Yeah. I saw some arms and legs in there.

Yeah. There was also a couple of human faces.

- I remember a face. - Yeah.

- There was. And then... - Human face.

..making that... sort of, that muffled noises.

- Almost like there was... - Yeah.

- ..a membrane or something. - It was like the face was right...

- Can I use your lunchbox for a sec? - Yeah. Go for it.

Hello.

- Didn't... No. - Hello.

No, like this.

Help.

Help.

That's good.

That actually makes me think that you were doing it.

It wasn't me. I was in the car. But I could hear that noise.

It does sound a little bit like a cat.

No, a cat is more like this. Meow! Meow!

Yeah. I often make that mistake, though.

Sometimes I think the neighbours are calling, "Help,"

but really it's my cat calling, "Meow."

- You don't have a cat. - Well, not anymore.

Right. Um...

Minogue.

Stay absolutely still. Don't move.

What?

- What is it? - Here, Minogue.

- Is it on me? - Yep.

- It's on me, isn't it? - Yep.

- I can feel it on my face. - I'm gonna punch it.

Get it off my face! Don't punch it!

Don't punch it. Don't punch it. Don't... Come here. Come, come.

- Come over here. I've got it. - Get it off! Get it off!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

Ugh! That's suspicious. Right.

Well, I'm gonna get this to the lab.

In the meanwhile, there have been reports of a horrible smell

coming from the Waterloo area.

To be honest, I did initially ignore the calls.

I thought it was more of a council issue.

But then they started to report missing pets.

Should you really be ignoring calls, Sarge?

Don't question me.

WOMAN: I don't bloody know who it is, do I, Neil?

I haven't opened the door yet!

Hello, ma'am. How's it going?

I'm Officer O'Leary. This is Officer Minogue.

You are real police officers, I take it?

Well, of course we're actual real police officers. Yes.

Where else would we get the car if we weren't real police officers?

Oh! On eBay.

- Where is this happening? - We can get into that a bit later.

But at the moment, we've just got some questions

about some reports from around this area.

We'd really love to come in and just ask you a couple of questions,

if that'd be OK.

Yes, that's fine. Wipe your feet, please.

What is going on with this 'real police officer' thing?

Neil, it's the police!

She's starting on the back foot, I can tell you that much.

It's the real police.

- (NEIL MOANS) - Uh... That's my husband in there.

Just ignore it. It's... Those noises are pretty common.

OK. Um, so, look, how long has this smell been around?

- Neil? - Oh, no, no. The exterior smell?

Oh.

- Oh, a couple of weeks. - Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. The plumbing's been very unreliable, you know?

- Mmm. - Ours is all right at the moment.

That's interesting.

Um, look, do you have any, sort of...any suspicion?

(NEIL MOANS)

Just, there's a bit of... of what...what...

He has IBS.

Uh, just ignore it. It's very normal.

Do you have any idea what's causing it?

Well, we think it's genetic.

NEIL: Help!

Can't even bloody go to the toilet by himself!

Excuse me. Sorry, Neil. Can we come in?

Yes. Do come in. I do need some help, yes.

OK.

Oh, I don't think this is a police matter.

Oh, that is not normal.

- That's not normal. - No.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh...

Don't resist! Do not resist!

I don't think he's resisting on purpose.

Neil! Get out of the toilet!

- Whoa! - Stay calm, sir.

We're sorry to inform you,

your husband's been, um... swallowed by the toilet.

That's awful.

We'll continue to do everything we can.

You haven't done anything.

We did everything we can.

NEIL: Get me out of here!

- Please! - Neil? Is that you?

Of course it's me, Marlene! Who else would be hanging out in the drain?

Well, I don't know. One of your weirdo mates?

I need help!

Follow the voice.

- Ow! - Neil?

He's in the shower.

He's gone over there. That way. That way, that way.

- Are you there, Neil? - Hey... Ow!

- No, this way. This way. - Neil!

- Go, go, go. - Go, go, go, go.

I'm moving. Ow!

Neil! Neil, are you there? Stay there, OK? Stay put.

- Don't move! - Stay put.

- He's right outside. Go. - Don't use the toilet.

- No, I can hear him. - (NEIL MOANS)

- Shh. Hang on, wait. - Shh, shh.

No... Yep, down this way.

- Down this way. - Yeah.

He's in some sort of subterranean drainage system.

- Help! Ohh! - Look!

It's OK, sir. We're gonna help you. We're gonna help you, sir.

- This is never gonna work. - It is working.

- I stand corrected. - He's very rubbery and smelly.

Are you normally this rubbery, sir?

Not normally, no.

Are you normally this smelly?

Well, that's another case closed for Officer O'Leary and myself.

Um, as you can see, the victim is recovering in the boot of the car.

Generally, he'd be in the back seat,

but given the slime and the stench, he's sort of ruled himself out there.

But the main thing is we've rescued him.

There are at least five or six other guys trapped down there.

Well, I mean, at least they're not in immediate danger.

I felt like my body was becoming liquid

and my mind was becoming part of some malignant hive brain.

I think what can happen is

when you hear those sorts of words, like 'malignant'...

- 'Hive mind'. - ..um, 'hive mind'.

I mean, very easy for the general public to start panicking.

But I think that's the last thing we want to do here.

That thing is going to take more lives!

- We know, mate. Good as gold. - Yep.

But there's really no need for concern.

Ah. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming to the lab.

Um, I've been doing some research.

Are you the most qualified for that, Sarge?

Well, seeing as nobody else knows about this in the entire world,

I'm actually the world's foremost expert at this phenomenon

at this present time.

Yeah, and we talked to Forensics before as well,

and they helped us quite a bit.

- These are their lab coats. - Yes, yes.

Yes, that's true. That stays between us.

They did help a little bit,

but mostly, I've been doing my own research.

I've been reading up blogs about blobs.

- Did you figure out what it is? - Yeah.

I ran some tests on that little sample I got off your neck, Minogue,

and I found some startling results.

The substance you collected is a fatberg.

That's not that startling in isolation, is it?

Because obviously, you know, fatbergs are a thing in Wellington waterways.

OK. Also, it's sentient.

- That is startling. - That's really startling.

Parker, reveal the maze.

OK. Here we go.

Oh, look, it's just kind of getting stuck in the corner.

I said it was sentient, I never said it was intelligent.

Just gone round that corner, eh, and then down that way.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's what I'd have done.

Very easy to be critical of the blob from this angle, isn't it?

We get to see the whole thing, but from the blob's-eye view,

you know, it's just surrounded by walls.

Now, this sample is here is far too small to take over my body per se.

But... Um, now, Parker, show them Diagram 1.

OK.

So, for example, Fatberg began consuming small animals,

such as this goldfish here, and then grew in size,

and then ingested, say, a cat, then grew larger,

and ingested larger animals in turn - so, say, this octopus, for example,

and then larger still -

and here we've used a giraffe, just to keep it fun, you know?

Um, it then grew larger and larger still,

moving on to consuming human beings.

And here we have the end result,

which is a rather epic proportion of accumulated fat.

And human beings and animals.

Well, I'm not really worried about any of these.

- Mmm. - No.

- But it's this one, isn't it? - Mmm.

It's when it starts consuming humans, because it affects us personally.

Parker, reveal the map.

Yeah, sure. Sorry.

Sorry, guys, can we just...?

Now, these are all locations of reports

of suspicious-looking blobs all around the city.

My theory is that this thing resides

deep in the heart of the sewer system.

We need to stop this thing

before all of Wellington is completely covered in fat.

Would that be so bad, though?

Wouldn't be comfortable, would it?

So, Officer Minogue and myself

have descended into the Wellington sewer system

to investigate the fatberg.

It's a complex network of tunnels and drains

which collect the, uh...the city's...

- O'Leary. - ..waste produc...

- O'Leary. - Yeah?

Do you reckon my bum looks... disappearing in these?

Minogue, I'm just talking to the camera

about what we're doing down here in the, uh...in the sewer system.

Well, it's absolutely vital

when we're in these new and potentially hazardous environments

that we're wearing the appropriate safety gears at all times.

Mmm.

You fellas all ready?

- Yes. - I'm ready.

Good. So, we're, uh, in the tunnels. Pretty hazardous in here.

Top, bottom. You'll notice the floor is concrete.

So, I've got forty-five rules for you.

All of them - don't run. All right? Now, come on, then. Follow me.

These, uh, drains are woefully neglected,

so I always knew something like this was gonna happen.

What, that a sentient fatberg would start swallowing people?

Well, n...well, I couldn't predict that. Obviously not that.

But something very similar to it.

So, it could obviously take a really long time

to find what it is we're actually down here looking for.

Um, but...

Actually, this is just what we're looking for.

- Great police work, O'Leary. - Thank you.

The good news is that this has shrunk considerably.

Um, and also, the fatberg seems to now be very low on energy.

So that's actually a really good result for us.

Yeah. This is why I think Officer O'Leary and myself

will make great candidates for detective.

Um, we're always detecting things like this,

and, uh, that makes up probably 10% of being a detective.

- Possibly even more than 10%. - Mmm.

- VOICES: Help us! - What was that?

Oi! No running!

Walking.

- Oi. - It's grown considerably.

Never saw anything like that before.

We're closing on it.

We're pursuing the suspect through a labyrinthine structure.

He's very cunning - or she, or they - for a blob.

I think we're definitely making ground.

- Wait. - Ooh.

It stopped.

I think it's coming back.

Did we actually finalise a plan

on what we were gonna do if we caught up with it?

- VOICES: Join us! - Negative.

- Tactical retreat. - OK.

This way. This way.

It's gone.

Yeah. I think it slipped down one of the pipes.

Well, where do those pipes go?

Uh, over...there.

Oh! It's a dead end.

It's a dead end.

This feels like it's bad karma for teasing that little blob in the maze.

VOICES: Join us. Join us.

Maybe seeing it's a sentient, I can reason with it.

Hey, look, we just need to have a bit of a chat, OK, guys?

Um, what you're doing is not OK.

- VOICES: It is OK. - No, no, no...

It's OK. Join the fatberg.

We're not particularly interested in being part of a fatberg.

- Yeah, not interested. - VOICES: You'll like it. It's nice.

No... Arggh!

- Assistance! - I'm on my way!

- Walking. - I'm on my way slowly.

- Let me go! Let me go! - No running.

Please release me. I'm a member of the New Zealand Police.

I don't want to be part of your fatberg.

Can you give us a hand here, mate?

Rather than just filming, if you could help us?

Thanks. Appreciate it.

Arggh!

Come on.

- It's got the cameraman. - Oh.

Feels like it's too late for him. Let's just...

It's definitely too late.

It's coming after us.

Looks to have renewed energy.

Requesting permission to walk much, much faster.

- Much, much faster? - Much faster.

Keep going. Hopefully it can't go up stairs.

- VOICES: Oh, stairs! Stairs! - It's still coming.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- I'm getting there. It's way down. - Go, go, go.

- O'Leary, go, go! - I'm going, I'm going.

Go! Go! They're coming!

O'Leary, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go, go! - Arggh!

MAAKA: You're worthless.

You're nothing.

Parker, affecting its self-esteem has done nothing.

How is your research coming?

Well, I've googled 'how to destroy fat',

and it keeps just showing me ads for my local gyms.

Wellington Gyms for Him.

Burn Dat Fat.

Hey. That's actually a good idea, Parker.

- You think I should join? - No, not that.

How do you destroy fat?

You burn it.

- (FATBERG SQUEALS) - Arggh!

Get out of there, Minogue.

I thought that thing was gonna kill me and eat me alive.

You need to secure that person-hole immediately.

That doesn't make any sense. Quick, quick, quick.

Yeah, good.

We regret to inform you that...

..one of the other camera guys has been taken by the fatberg.

I think his name was, uh... Ben or Evan or Bevan.

- Kevin? Kevin? - Our deepest condolences.

Um, the good news is, though,

that we have managed to contain the fatberg in the sewers.

- (SCREAMING) - So, that's good news, and, um...

Excuse me.

- Great work all round from the team. - Yeah. Absolutely.

- I mean, obviously... - (MAN SCREAMS)

Just wait for that guy to finish.

It's a new kind of breakdancing, that must be, eh?

- Probably doing a TikTok. - (SCREAMS)

In my opinion, that doesn't look good.

That's our favourite fish and chip shop.

VOICES: Join the fatberg.

- Arggh! Stay put! - It's coming!

Save them! Save them!

Too late. Too late.

Parking's a bit off.

Still awake, Sarge? Have you been to sleep?

No time for sleep. The city's at stake.

Turns out the best way to take this thing out

is to explode it from within the inside.

Come on. Let's go.

Deploying payload!

VOICES: What is it?

Oh, my God.

That woman's in danger. Quickly! Go help pull her out!

We'll save you!

You've got nothing to worry about! We've got you!

Don't light it yet. There's human lives in there!

Don't worry! We'll save you!

She was unsaveable, Sarge.

Parker, light the fuse.

- No, it's too moist, Sarge. - Use the flame to dry it out.

- Light it, Parker! Light it! - Quickly, Parker! Quickly!

Hurry up!

- It's not lighting! - Time is of the essence, Parker!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Go, go, go! Move! Run for cover!

OK.

This is gonna be a good one, I reckon, eh?

Are you sure it's lit?

It doesn't look like it's lit anymore.

I saw a light go when you lit it.

I guess that wick must have got rained on and it's not gonna work.

That thing is gonna absorb the whole city now.

Can't win them all, Sarge.

Look, I reckon I should go and have a look at it.

I reckon O'Leary might as well look. I mean, she's the...

- Bravest. - ..closest.

- Hey. I'm gonna go. Ready? - All right.

Three, two, one.

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

Oh!

- Right in my eye! - Ugh!

So, we've dealt with the problem.

- The sewers have been damaged. - Uh, irreparably.

We were hoping they can be repaired shortly.

Um, obviously there were some casualties.

It was a really tough judgement call,

but, I mean, if we hadn't acted in time,

then the whole city would have become a fatberg.

Although, the majority of the feedback

coming from inside the fatberg was positive.

Yeah, but we're pretty sure

that most people didn't want to become part of an enormous blob.

Just depends whether you're a team player or not.

Hey. Hey, look. Look, look.

- The people survived. - Oh, look.

- Evan. - Kevin?

Kevin.

You see, I thought there might be, like, a slim possibility

that the...the elastic nature of the fatberg

would act as a shock absorber,

thereby absorbing the impact of the explosion and protecting the people.

- Mmm. - Did you?

Yeah.

They're looking a bit worse for wear.

- Look at that one. - Yeah.

- Oh. - Covered in goop.

And that one.

I still maintain, you know, great work by the team.

- Oh, yeah. No, we nailed it. - Yeah, absolutely.

- It's a really good result. - Yeah.

Hey, uh...like, there's some of it still alive there.

Oh, no.

Anyone got a lighter?