Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous.

Look at you. Look at your face.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it, Pad! I can't!

Hello, welcome to Top Gear.

We're still enjoying the great outdoors.

I say outdoors - Shepherd's Bush.

But we've got a picturesque show for you tonight,

a proper off-road expedition across the Scottish Highlands,

where we make a serious scientific discovery.

Which is that there is definitely something medically wrong with Fred.

He's right, Fred. He is right.

You don't fear anything apart from the dentist and low ceilings.

But what scares Freddie Flintoff?

Getting stuck in a lift with Chris Harris.

LAUGHTER

But, seriously, I've got the ability to just block things out.

- I mainly do it when you're talking. - Thank you.

Anyway, time to kick things off with a real treat.

Chris Harris talking about an old car.

This is the story of the Land Rover Defender.

Launched back in 1948, the original Land Rover was a global success.

As rugged as it was versatile, it was embraced by farmers,

soldiers, explorers, even royalty.

By 1990, it had gained the name Defender.

And, even though it still shared a lot of its DNA with that

post-war original, Britain's answer

to go-anywhere-motoring kept going for another 26 years.

A true motoring icon.

And, now, there's an all-new Land Rover Defender,

which has some very big wellies to fill.

Here it is. The all-new Defender,

possibly the most important car Land Rover has ever made.

So, how do you tackle the ultimate difficult second album?

Stick to the same old back-to-basics, no-frills,

comfy-as-a-prison-cell philosophy of the old Defender?

No. Very much not.

This new Defender is no agricultural work horse.

It's got high-definition screens, climate control,

4G connectivity, 85 ECUs.

The point is - this is a thoroughly modern off-roader.

With an all-new body that's stiff and strong,

I've got independent suspension,

I've got a smooth, six-cylinder diesel engine.

It's quiet, it's comfortable, it's refined.

And look at this cabin.

It's all new and modern, and flatscreeny and well-organised,

but still nice and simple.

Against the old Defender, this is much, much nicer to drive.

It couldn't be any worse, if you ask me,

cos I hated the way the old Defender drove.

For example, when I sit in it, the door doesn't try and take chunks

out of my elbow.

This, finally, is a Defender you could drive to the supermarket

and not require a tetanus jab afterwards.

And, for me, that's a massive improvement.

But decent road manners are the easy bit.

The real question is - can the new Defender still compete with

the best off-road?

BAGPIPES PLAY

To find out, I've been told to meet up

with my colleagues for a tour of the Highlands.

And they'd be bringing along their pick of the current

off-roading crop.

Ah, Paddy McGuinness in a G-Wagon.

Good choice.

New Defender. Very nice.

Nope, it's the wrong G-Wagon.

Bad choice.

Herr Harris, willkommen und mein G-Wagon.

Ah, sprechen sie Deutsch? Wie geht's?

Auf Wiedersehen.

Dearie me, you've brought the wrong G-Wagon.

Stiff suspension, too much power.

Excuse me, the great Chris Harris, too much power?

Yes, it's just under 600 brake horsepower. Is that a problem?

Does anybody go into Mercedes and say, "I'll have that G-Wagon."

And they go, "Certainly, 600 brake horsepower."

"No, no, too much power, that. Have you got a less powerful one?"

We're off-road, you don't need all that power.

This is all you need: a diesel Defender.

It's perfect. How many mechanical differentials has that got?

Two. Three. One more.

- Front, centre, rear. - Why do you need that here?

Because we're off-roading. It's a better off-roader.

You've got very normal tyres,

so you can have all the diff-locks you want.

All you can use is what's on the ground there.

Three is one more than two.

You are quite a binary creature, aren't you?

You deal in quite simple concepts.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds good.

Is that German again?

- No, it's not. Oh! - MOTOR RUMBLES

What is it?

Oh! Nomad.

This could be interesting.

Oh.

- All right? - Are you all right there, Fred?

I present to you the Ariel Nomad.

Have you come to the right test?

- What? The ultimate off-road car? - Well, yeah, for getting hypothermia.

It's two-wheel drive, mate. This is a four-wheel drive test.

You don't need four-wheel drive.

You don't need diffs and transfer cases.

You need one of these, bit of that, two pairs of thermal pants,

- one gloves and you're good to go. - You've arrived in a climbing frame.

How heavy are these? How heavy?

- Heavy. - What?

- Two tonnes, two and a half tonnes? - Two and a half tonnes, yeah.

- 700kg. - Yeah, Fred...

If I get stuck, I'll just pick it up.

Flip-flops are light, but you don't up a mountain in them, do you?

You go up with something substantial, like these.

- That's not an off-roader. - Oh!

What? REVERSE BEEPING

You see? Weight, your friend.

This is an off-road vehicle. It's a bit more than 700kg.

I want to have some fun. I don't want to move rocks.

What's wrong with you?

Blimey.

- Challenge! - Go get in, Paddy.

It'd be a shame if he lifted the front up, wouldn't it?

- Oh, took him away? - Yeah.

I'd be gutted, would you?

HE CHUCKLES

"Please stop arguing and drive as fast as you can around this quarry."

Is that it?

Yes, our mission to find out who had really brought

the best off-roader would begin with a time trial.

Four flags had been dotted around the quarry,

and we'd now each take turns

to tag them all as fast as possible before racing back to the start.

Quickest time's the winner.

And McGuinness and his G-Wagon were up first.

- All good, Paddy? - Present and correct, sir.

- Three, two, one, go. - Go on, Paddy!

Good turning circle, sir.

Oh! He's gingerly going for it! He's really going for it.

He's a bit Ron Weasle. Wahey!

Get down that.

Look at fast it is! It's not lacking power, is it?

But he's lacking something down there. What's fallen off?

Round that.

When you put your foot down, by God it goes!

0 to 60 in less than five seconds.

And in a two and a half tonne car, that is just bonkers.

No, no, no!

Slow down, slow down!

That is out of control!

If you did half of this stuff in the old one, I'd have been upside down.

Oh!

Oh, my word.

I've always wanted to see a G-Wagon doing what it should do,

but I'm not so sure now.

Oh, Paddy. He's not touched that.

I've got it! Got it on the reverse. Yeah!

Up we go. Wahey!

Got it! Lot of fun!

Oh, it was a good laugh. Tasty!

Oh-ho-ho!

- That was quite quick, wasn't it? - 1:32, airborne across the line.

Wow. Come on, tell him his time.

1 minute 32 seconds.

And you were in the air over the line.

Beautiful!

Benchmark well and truly laid down.

It was time to see whether Harris could get

anywhere near in his all-new, much less powerful Defender.

- Christopher, are you ready? - Power is nothing without control.

Wow.

- Winston Churchill, that. - Was it?

No, it's Pirelli Tyres from an advert, actually.

Three, two, one. Go!

Oh! Oh, he's coming up the big end.

Come on, Chris! Come on, Chris!

- Go on, Chris! - Go on, Chrissy!

Ooh! Ooh!

On the brakes!

CHEERING

That is steep as you like.

- Oh, he's off now, look at him. - Oh, he's off now. He's gunning now.

Oh, oh, oh! Did you get the flag?

Oh, he's missed it! He didn't touch that.

- He missed the flag. - Didn't touch that.

Unless his arms are that short...

Right, come on. Let's grab this one here.

There we go. I don't know if he hit that one.

Does he know he's got to touch these flags?

Suspension apparently will take seven tonnes of upwards

pressure, whatever that means.

Oh, that's quite steep. Get reversed,

come back down again.

- He's not done that one! - He's not even stuck his arm out!

- He's not even stuck his arm out! - He's had a shocker!

Come on, my son.

And up the hill.

And over the line! Yes, baby!

You've still got the clock going! Go on, you're still going.

You've not done the flags, you've still got the clock going.

- I touched it! - No, you didn't.

No, coming back!

- Oh, is there one down there? - Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Oh, I forgot a flag!

- I'm not sure if he's touched any flags. - None of them.

- That's the first one he's touched. - Well done!

There we are.

Do you think he's going to be happy with that?

- Do you want to know your time? - Well, it doesn't really matter now.

- Was the jump good? - Yeah, it was nice.

Lovely.

2 minutes 26...

- ..point 81. - That's academic, really.

Exactly.

With the G-Wagon still the car to beat,

it was time to show what the Nomad could do.

Looking good, Fred. Ready to go?

I am, Chris.

I'm looking forward to this. Look at the car!

The thing about our run, what I found...

- very warm, very toasty. - Yes, yes.

- Where's the fun in that, Paddy? - I'll be fine.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, wasting time there.

I thought it was quite neat that.

Oh, he's being very circumspect here.

This isn't very Flintoff-esque.

Oh, oh, oh!

And we're off!

That's done it really well. That was clean as you like.

Come on!

- Yep. - I'm not sure I like this new Flintoff.

- He's become much more measured, hasn't he? - Yeah.

I can't see through me goggles. I'm struggling to see!

It's 0 to 60, three and a half seconds.

What a supercar speed, and you're off-road!

It looks like a little radio-controlled buggy. I love it.

Flag. Yes, please.

He's actually taken that one out with his arm.

That's actually never coming back up.

And they say, one of the things about off-roading is knowing

where all your wheels are.

But that's a dream in this! Cos you can see them all.

You see every wheel.

Touchdown.

This is the new Andrew Flintoff. He's being measured.

One more flag. One more flag. And up we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh!

What a car!

- You're not going to believe this. - What?

That was so close.

- How did I do? - It's so close!

- It's so close! - I did it in 1:32...

Right.

...in me two and a half tonne car.

Oh, here we go.

In your 700 kilos car, you did it in 1:31.

1:31! I can't even see, Paddy! I couldn't even see!

Get in! You can keep your goggles, you can

keep your G 63, and I'll tell you where you can shove that Defender!

Where's me adjudicator?

To continue our off-roaders' thorough test,

we'd been told to head west...

...to the far side of the wild and utterly beautiful

Scottish Highlands.

The ideal journey to see what our cars were made of.

Though, sadly, it would also be one that gave

Flintoff plenty of time to brag.

That's your driving race over, boys.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that race

and I know one of the things that had hampered me slightly was

it gets a bit warm in here and me hands got a bit clammy

- on my steering wheel. - This isn't cold, lads.

I'll tell you, I'm from the north of England.

I feel like taking me top off.

I'm at one with nature. I'm outside.

I've got the fresh air, I'm driving past snow.

You don't get that in a G 63. You don't get that in a Defender.

You're sat in your big leather chair, massaged seats,

heated triple-glazed windows. You might as well be at home.

What really separates the Nomad from the others,

though, is that it doesn't roll out of some massive factory.

It's built by a few passionate people in a Somerset barn.

And because it's handmade, you can have whatever you want.

You know, put some firmer suspension, sticky tyres,

you could have a sports car.

Have it like this: big wheels, rally suspension,

you've got the perfect sand-duner.

This car has everything. Everything.

Well, if 700 kilos of scaffolding is everything,

what does that make the car that has been Germany's benchmark

off-roader for the last 40 years?

A few years ago, like Land Rover, Mercedes decided to remake

this car from scratch.

But, unlike the Defender,

they kept that classic look.

But even though it still looks every inch the old-school icon,

inside it's anything but.

Screens are everywhere, purple mood lighting. It's a bit like

when you watch Grand Designs and you see someone who buys an old castle

and sticks a massive 3D cinema in there

and a Laser Quest out the back. It's fantastic.

And, dragging it all along,

you've got that magnificent four-litre, twin turbo V8.

Basically, it's the same engine that's in an Aston Martin Vantage,

but, unlike the Aston Martin Vantage, this is more powerful.

It purrs, it's buttery, it's deep, it's growly.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Which does have a slight downside.

At the moment, I'm averaging, what, 9.8 miles per gallon.

So, if you're planning a long journey in this thing,

make sure you pack a couple of jerry cans.

Lads, how much are your cars to buy?

For this one, with all the bells and whistles on,

it's probably around about 157 grand.

£58,000, but they start at around 40 grand.

I think it's a bargain compared to that G-Wagon.

How much is that Nomad?

- 60 grand. - What?!

60 grand for a climbing frame?

I've got to say, Paddy, I'd sooner spend 60 on this

than 157 on yours.

I think that hat's a bit tight on your head.

It's cutting the blood flow off. You're not thinking straight.

We were rolling deeper into the Highlands.

And, with the mercury dropping to -4,

good news for Flintoff, he'd soon have the joys

of winter darkness to add to his alfresco drive.

Bloody hell!

I'm not going to lie, you do feel a little bit vulnerable

because you're so exposed.

Especially on the road, you're going past Magnums coming the other way,

you know you're just one false step away from having a bad 'un.

Not that I'm bothered, lads, I could drive all night in this,

but do you know how long we've got left?

About another hour of this, Fred.

You'll be fine, mate. You're toasty, you said.

All right, it's a bit of a shame they're not into doors or roofs,

but I tell you, the lads in that Somerset barn are at least

very enthusiastic about lights.

Look in your rear view, Paddy.

You ready, Pad?

Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Now, that, THAT, out of everything today,

that's the best thing I like about it.

CHRIS LAUGHS

After a productive first day,

our Scottish adventure was well under way.

Especially, as early the next morning,

we discovered our cars were now much deeper into the Highlands

than we would have liked.

Yep, to keep up the off-road testing, overnight

the producers had, hilariously,

decided to park the cars in a nearby loch,

right up to their wading depth.

It's going to be touch-and-go, this.

Are you all right there?

- Not really. My seat's underwater. - Oh, dear.

To be fair, you said you liked the outdoor experience, Fred.

It doesn't mean a wet arse, Paddy, does it?

LAUGHTER

Hey, I tell you what, it's crystal clear, innit?

Oh, my word.

How do I get in?

Stand on your side step. I don't have any.

Oh, yeah, you don't.

I forgot, cos you're in a Defender.

GRUNTING

Are you in?

- I'm in. - He's in.

It's like being in a bloody fish tank.

Glad about that...

BEEPING

Easy as pie!

Oh, my God!

HE PANTS

That'll have to do.

All free of the loch, and despite one of us feeling very refreshed...

Wet through now.

Brilliant.

...let's face it, it was pretty clear who'd won that test.

CHRIS SIGHS

Good old Defender.

What's the wading depth of that, Chris?

- 90 cm. - Ooh.

I reckon I can do about 9 cm.

I think once it gets up to your nostrils with yours,

Fred, that's it.

Now, keen for our day to continue in the same off-road

spirit it had begun with, the producers told us

to head into the rugged country of the sprawling Ardverikie Estate.

Sad thing to say is this, what we're doing now,

is probably the most off-roading any Defender will ever do.

This is my point with the G-Wagon.

I wanted to show people who buy them what

they can actually do in these cars, cos most people

in Chelsea and Cheshire think they're just

for going to Waitrose in.

They're the divers' watches of the car world, aren't they?

You buy a watch that can go 1,000 feet underwater

and you take it off when you have a bath.

Wahey! I'm hitting the bottom here.

Oy.

That is going well, that Nomad.

I didn't think it would get up this slope.

Seriously, did you not think it would get through this, Chris?

It's like a little billy goat, that thing.

You think it's stopped and it keeps going!

The truth is, all three of our cars were making short work of this

winter wonderland.

Not a problem.

And before long, we'd reached the start of our next off-road test.

There's a bloke with a gun there.

Challenge.

Got a challenge here, Chris.

The challenge is you getting out of that thing, Fred.

I'm not even going to bother. I'm going to stand in the frame.

"To see how smoothly your off-roaders handle rough terrain,

"you will now race as fast as you can up this track..."

"..while Simon here attempts to shoot clay

"pigeons from your passenger seat."

Firstly, I've got to say, I think the Nomad's going to be good at it.

There's no roof on. It's got an advantage.

Secondly: Hello, Simon.

- Right, who's up first? - Flintoff.

Might as well get it out the way,

cos if there is an accident, it saves you and me a job, don't it?

Car, gun, Flintoff.

Dearie me. Where can we watch that's safe?

So, to test ride quality,

we would now each take turns driving this rough

and twisting track as fast as possible

while crack shot Simon tried to hit clays through the sunroof.

With any clays missed incurring a five second time penalty,

up first to keep things smooth and steady would be Flintoff.

- Fred, can you hear me? - Yes, Chris, we are good to go here, mate.

Three, two, one. Go.

- You all right, Si? - Not yet. Go on, go on. Go, go, go.

- Where's the first one? - First one's on the right here.

- Missed! - Oh, he's missed it.

Keep going, keep going.

Oh, Simon! That's none for two!

Pull!

- Ah! None for three! - I know.

- I'll have to catch it up with speed. - Right, slow, slow, slow.

We have to catch up with speed, Simon, you can't hit them.

They're arguing.

LAUGHTER

- Oh! - We got that, we got that.

- Finally! - Good shot.

I don't think you should argue with a bloke with a shotgun.

No.

Yes, Simon!

Pull!

Yes, Simon! We're on a roll.

When's he over that line?

- So, how many did you miss? - We got four out of ten.

So, you missed six.

- And it's five seconds a miss, yeah? - That's 30 seconds.

- So, on top of two minutes... - Two minutes 30 seconds.

You were a good working unit,

apart from the shouting and Fred's driving.

With the big, bumpy buggy out the way,

it was time to give Simon a go in something much more suitable.

Go!

If he hits all of these now, I'm having him.

- Yeah. I don't care if he's got a gun. - Imagine if he gets ten.

Yes! Good lad, Simon.

No. No!

Yep, got that. You see, teamwork, Simon!

Pull!

- Oh, underneath. - Come on, Simon.

- Yes, we got it! - Good lad!

- He's got the edge. - Pull!

- Yes! - Now we're killing Flintoff here.

Oh, he's missed that.

Yes!

- He got that one. - Pull!

Yes! Yes!

- And over the line! - There you have it.

If you want to go and shoot clays with a bloke out the roof,

you need a Defender.

Right, so we hit six.

So, that's 20 seconds.

2.24.87.

- So, I'm the current leader. - Yes, you are.

It's the same guy on the gun, the same gun.

So, what was the difference?

- Huh? - The driver.

Thank you, Mr Harris. Because myself and me Merc

were up last and he'd given me an idea.

Simon, what we're going to do on this one is, you know,

you're driving up here, you're shooting the clays.

I want you to enjoy a bit of scenery.

Forget the shooting, let's get up there.

We've got McGuinness in a very powerful AMG Mercedes,

so it's going to be all over the place. It's going to be rough,

he's going to be thrown around.

I want you to enjoy the G-Wagon, see what it can do.

RADIO: Are you and Simon ready?

Ready.

In three, two, one. Go!

We're off.

- What's his strategy, then? - Speed.

- Good God, he's going fast. - Oh, he's giving it some.

- Up we go, Simon. - He's giving it some.

He's coming up to the first one.

How on Earth is he going to shoot them at that speed?

- Watch the butt of your gun, Simon. - Oh, that's good.

I've not heard a gun.

- What's he doing? - Whoa-ho-ho!

Has he hit any?

Fred, you know what he's doing here, don't you?

He's just going flat out up the hill.

Do you know what, as ideas go with Paddy McGuinness, I think

this could be his best ever one.

There we go, Simon.

Whoa-oh!

- Bit slippy there! - McGuinness has used his loaf, hasn't he?

Lovely stuff! Have you enjoyed it, Simon?

PADDY AND SIMON LAUGH

He has subverted our entire challenge.

What was the point?

- Right, can you deal with him? - Yeah.

- I'd love to. - I can't deal with him.

Won't be a moment, Simon.

Paddy, I've got to hand it to you. I'm taking it off.

Well played.

- What was the time? - 52 seconds.

And then you put on your time penalty at 50 seconds...

- Which is... - Go on.

- ...1 minute 40 seconds. - Hang on.

He's absolutely nailed us.

Right, so with the win going to the team that didn't fire

a single shot, it's fair to say that as new sports go,

drive-by clay pigeon shooting does still need a bit of work.

But, however unsportsmanlike McGuinness's win had been,

as we got back on the road through the Highlands,

frankly, it was hard to care.

Lads, right now I think this is as beautiful

a place as there is on the planet. It's stunning.

It's the most bizarre experience, this.

I'm driving through some of the most dramatic scenery

and I genuinely feel I'm outside.

It's so difficult to describe.

Part of me's enjoying it, part of me's

just wanting to get a bit warmer.

I can totally relate to you in the Nomad, Fred,

cos this G-Wagon, no heated steering wheel.

Can you believe that?

On another note, when this wind picks up, my eyes are frozen shut.

Geez.

You wanted to drive a Nomad.

All right. There's a few things which I'm getting fed up of now.

Every time trying to climb through the roof into the car,

strapping in, this seat.

I know... I know what it is, this car,

but there's something a bit comfier than a plastic seat.

Paddy, describe to me how surprisingly comfortable

that car is. Cos from the outside, they look like they bounce around,

- but they really don't, do they? - No, it's so on point.

This is all the bells and whistles in here of an S-Class limo.

Can you change the subject please, lads, cos my back is in bits?

PADDY CHUCKLES

Paddy's looked a bit pimped up to me, but the G-Wagon really

is the real deal. It will do everything.

As for the Nomad, well, I mean, that is a statement car,

but right now I wouldn't swap either of those two for this.

I'm liking it more and more.

And this is a difficult position for me

cos I'm someone that doesn't like big SUVs.

But there's an honesty about this one.

It feels like it's built for a purpose, it's built to go

and do rugged things. And it's in weather like this,

that I do feel some sympathy for SUV drivers

because I'm up high, I feel safe.

There is a lot to be said for it. I don't want to condone it.

But if you're going to do it,

the Land Rover Defender might be the best way.

It's very Game of Thrones now, this, isn't it? North of the Wall.

I can't even comment on that cos I've never watched it.

What do you reckon Paddy would have been in Game of Thrones?

What do you reckon he would be?

An extra.

Leaving Middle Earth, or wherever it was they were talking about,

behind us, we were soon closing in on the West Coast,

where apparently the next test of our off-roaders was

waiting for us at a nearby airport.

Now, these... These are the real deal.

Special Vehicle Operations six-wheeler from Land Rover.

And look at that!

- I get these, they're built for a job. - Yeah.

- Not just poncing around in. - Exactly.

I mean, are you not ashamed to be in that, looking at that?

Not really.

No, you're not.

"Any true off-roader should be comfortable transporting animals.

"You will now find out which car can tow livestock the quickest.

"PS, the livestock is you."

- Livestock is us? - So, you're towing yourself?

- So, you're towing yourself. - How do you drive if you're towing yourself?

Fair question.

For this so-called test of towing ability, we would now take turns

being dragged behind our own cars

along the entire length of the runway.

With the Stig at the wheel, ready to go whatever speed

we called on the radio, and nothing but a couple of metal plates

on our feet for protection, the winner would be whoever

dared to go quickest.

The only small consolation being who was going first.

It's TV's Paddy McGuinness!

- Look at him! - Yes!

I can't see your face, but your body language is not happy.

I know it can tow me, I don't need to do this.

- I know, but the thing is you laugh. - What's the thing here, by the way?

You've got to hold on.

Just hold on to that. The speedo goes to 180. There?

Yeah. Give me a shout when it gets to that. OK. 20.

That's the one. OK.

Why couldn't you have just gone first?

Then we could have gone 160mph, we'll leave it.

They rigged it up to yours. Geez.

Go on, Paddy. Go on, Paddy.

Go on, McGuinness! Oh, no. Go on, then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

He's gone.

Oh, my God.

What's he going? 20?

That's enough, isn't it?

He's going up to 30. 30, that's impressive.

40.

Ah.

OK, 40.40. That's all right.

He's already gone where he wanted to go.

50. Oh, he's still going.

He appears to be on fire! 60.

Shall we just give it to him? 60.

70. The boost gauge just flickers. Look at that boost there.

He's just gassed it.

Oh, my God.

That's a good effort. OK, come on.

Whoa, whoa, what you stopping for?

Whoa, Stig, Stig! What are you stopping for?

He's still sparking which means his feet are still on the ground.

BLEEP the bed!

BLEEP.

Huh!

Huh!

You can always tell when he's not happy

cos this just slows down, doesn't it? That just slows down.

So, maybe if we keep him in a state of constant fear,

it'll actually be nice working with him.

My feet are on fire.

My feet are on fire.

- Who's next? - I don't know.

- Do you want to go? - No.

- Well done, Pad. - Ran out of runway.

We lost you as it said 70.

Yeah, and then he broke.

I honestly thought, "We're out of runway, there's a problem."

- Did you manage to dismount okay? - Not really!

But your official time... Well, your official speed was 72mph.

Paddy McGuinness.

Wasn't a pleasant 72, let me tell you.

Well, you've done it now.

You've demonstrated it. So, we don't need to do it.

What?

They did, and more's to the point,

Harris and his Defender were going next.

♪ You're not singing any more ♪

♪ You're not singing any more! ♪

Come on, Chris.

- Good lad. - Can you reach the bar?

All right, Stiggy. Let's go.

Here he goes.

He's hanging on for his... Here we go, we've got 20.

Looking at that now...

...I'm glad I've done mine. I'm glad it's done.

I can't see anything. I can't see anything.

- Keep going. - Seems to be going quick.

- He's going quick here, he's 50. - Going quick.

Keep going, keep going.

- He's smashing it. - Keep going.

Keep going.

- I reckon he'll get to 90 here, Fred. - 70.

Keep going.

Whoa, whoa!

80!

Keep going.

PADDY SHOUTS

- 90! - That's enough. That's enough.

Oh! 89.89.

I never want to do that again. Ever.

Ever, ever, ever.

He was going, wasn't he?

That was horrible.

89.

Chrissy Harris!

- How do you feel? - You went off like a bullet!

I just held on for dear life. I couldn't see,

so I just closed my eyes.

Do you know what you got?

65, 70?

What? No!

Yeah!

- 80... - No!

..9!

You were that close to 90. I was calling 90,

then you just backed off.

Just backed off. Things I never want to do again. Yes. Yes. Exactly.

Andrew. I'll get ready then. Over to you. Thank you.

Go on, Stig.

Come on.

Look how fast he's getting up now. He's already at 40.

No idea how fast I'm going!

Go, go, go, go.

60 already. 70.

He's going to smash it.

We're all over the place here. We're all over the place.

Oh!

It's not even straight. He's moving about on the back of it.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

90. Go on, go on, go on!

- Wow. He's just pipped me! - Why has he not gone for the 100?

Still good, though. Good effort.

Not a clue how fast or anything.

Do you know how I feel sorry for? The Nomad.

Having to drag that up there. Oh, blimey!

LAUGHTER

Not the most graceful.

Oh!

- What did you get? - 89.

89.

You did 92!

Fantastic. Absolutely fair play.

Hey, went off like a rocket, just about 60, got a little bit...

- And then carried on again. - That wasn't nice.

I think he had a dodgy gear change,

the Stig. Would you ever do that again?

I'd quite like to get 100, but...

What are you on about? Maybe for another day. Maybe for another day.

- Let's go and have a little break. - Let's go and have a pedicure.

Oh, I'll tell you, what you need is a lobotomy.

So, what have we learnt?

Well, if you want a sketchy way to tow a human,

the Nomad is the car for you.

And as if that kind of take-home information wasn't enough to be

getting on with, as the last day of our Highland adventure began,

Harris made another important discovery in his Defender.

The OCD car tester in me is struggling with one thing here.

Watch this. I put the window down. Bit of wind noise.

See this. The glass, just here, is about three mil

proud of the top of the window frame.

That would kill me. Why can't it go all the way down?

Argh!

Three days in and we'd really got to know our cars.

And starting another long day in the plastic saddle,

it has to be said, the Nomad, for all its many talents, will always

be one of those relationships you really have to work at.

You know what, as much as I love driving it around

and skidding it about, I don't know what I'd use one of these for.

I don't live in a quarry. I live on a street.

I've got no doors, I've got no roof,

I've got to climb through the top of the car.

But I think I'd sooner be sat in here than the G 63.

The G 63, for me, is the people who go to Dubai

and take pictures of their dinner while they're in a restaurant.

It just screams, "Have a look at me. Here I am."

The more time I spend in this G-Wagon, the more I like it.

I already like the car, anyhow, but I really, really like it now.

And when I look at the Defender and the Nomad, do you know what?

I like them as well. I think we've got three very

capable vehicles here.

I mean, yeah, Fred's Nomad's capable on a beach in the sunshine,

but still three very capable cars, I think.

But it was time to find out which was the most capable,

once and for all.

Because now approaching our goal at the westernmost point of

the British mainland, the producers

told us to pull over for one final test.

HE GROANS

You all right there, Fred? Do you want some Vaseline?

I'm not going to lie, I'm getting over this.

Right.

Ooh! What have we got?

What the hell are those?

They're impressive, aren't they?

"The lighthouse at Ardnamurchan needs a new bulb.

"First to deliver their bulb to the lighthouse and to switch it on, wins.

The lighthouse is unmanned and locked.

We've stashed three sets of keys in the woods.

Their coordinates are in these trackers.

- Three sets of keys in some woods. - Woods.

Yes, the final leg of our journey west would now be a race

to change the bulb at the Ardnamurchan Lighthouse.

Is this the bulb? Crikey!

The lighthouse, though, was locked

and that meant first we'd each have to retrieve our own key,

the key which had been hidden somewhere

in the surrounding wilderness.

I don't know how I'm going to put it in here. That's no space whatsoever.

The problem with having a three door:

I haven't got any bloody back doors, have I?

LAUGHTER

Pop that in there.

Go, go, go, go!

Right, here we go.

With only a hand-held GPS to help us track down our prize,

we'd now have to head into the rough stuff,

retrieve our individual key as fast as possible,

and make it to the lighthouse first,

all without damaging our delicate bulbs.

Heading out onto the Peninsula, then,

all we could do was wait for the GPS to tell us when to turn off.

HONKING

Flintoff, will you hurry up?

There's only one road in and you're going too slowly!

Just relax, Chris, I've got a light bulb in my footwell.

Hey, we've all dashed off there,

and we've not even looked if it's

a bayonet fitting or an Edison screw.

We get there, it's going to be a nightmare.

I'm more worried that mine's going to be a lot of pieces

when we get there.

My light bulb's right at the side of me, safe as houses.

Larry the light bulb.

This low sun's quite helpful.

I bet the windscreen of the Nomad looks good.

Genuinely, I'm just seeing images through me windscreen.

I don't even know what they are.

Before Flintoff could hold us up any longer,

though, suddenly the GPSs sprang into life.

BEEPING

Oh, it's saying turn right here.

See you! My arrow says right here. Oh!

They've peeled off. Where have they gone?

HONKING

Oh, I thought I'd lost you. Why are you following me?

Mine said turn right!

The GPS for me is saying keep going and they've come off.

I reckon the tyres on this thing are going to be superior down here.

I think I've got an advantage now, McGuinness.

Yeah, I'm looking at my speedo. We're at 22mph.

BEEPING

It's saying up here.

Really?

Say nothing, say nothing. Oh, mine's taking me up here!

- He's going that way. Here we go! - Why have you gone up there?

Why have you got up there? I've been sent a different way, Harris!

Here we go!

With McGuinness now heading off on his own trail...

Now we've started!

...the race to find our keys was properly on.

Come on!

Through the snow!

And you know what, my Nomad was making sense all over again.

HE LAUGHS

This is what it's about. Get it off-road, the Nomad.

This is what it's designed for. This is why you buy one.

Never mind the uncomfortable back, never mind the cold.

Just have fun!

Come on!

Sounds fantastic, though, that engine, don't it?

Oh! Whoa! Whoa, Larry.

Relax, son! It's like bringing the curry home.

You want to get back when it's hot. Whoa, whoa!

Whoa! But you want it in one piece.

It is a really capable thing, this.

Land Rover doesn't refer to this as an SUV.

It calls the Discovery an SUV and the Range Rover an SUV.

- It calls the Defender an off-roader. - BEEPING

BEEPING

Yeah, that's not...

OK, well, finally we get the chance to see what this thing will do

off-road. Let's go.

Bit of gas.

I'm just going route one here.

It's like a rally stage.

Come on, up the hill, up the hill, up the hill.

Get up, get up, get up, go!

Whoa, it's dancing. I forgot about the light bulb!

I forgot I've got a light bulb in me car.

I mean, it can't be that far away, but this is a nightmare on here.

It's so slippy!

- BEEPING - What's going on here now?

How far off am I? Where am I?

Where am I here? Where am I?

Right, go that way.

It's a dead end. It's a dead end.

What?

Right, where is this going?

That's locked. Yes.

Right.

Whoa! BLEEP!

Where are we?

Oh! I can see it!

First blood to the G-Wagon.

McGuinness had already found his key,

while on the other side of the mountain the Defender

and I were facing one hell of a climb to reach ours.

I've got to get up here. The arrow's turning up here.

Come on. Come on. We can do this. We can do this.

Come on.

Come on, come on!

Come on, you little sod!

Worse still...

Flintoff and his Nomad were making rapid progress of their own.

Geez, it's icy, it's wet, it's muddy!

BEEPING

What's in here? What's in here?

The key's in here somewhere.

Where is it?

Where is it?

I've got it!

Oh, God.

I'm 47.

HE PANTS

Oh!

This isn't really working. I'm wasting a lot of time here.

The other two are going to be absolutely crucifying me.

Now, to the lighthouse.

PANTING

Come on!

Key for the lighthouse.

Here we go.

Oh, dear.

I think Harris were right about them tyres.

We can do this, we can do this.

Come on, my son.

Come on. Come on!

Good work, Defender.

- BEEPING - Ah! There we go.

Yes! Oh!

HE LAUGHS

The key.

Here we go. We're off.

Here we go. Whoa! Through the mud!

Keep going, come on.

Keys in hand, we'd all finished the first leg of the race.

But we still had to get back to the road and onto the lighthouse

while keeping our bulbs in one piece.

Whoa, whoa! Easy, bulb.

In the hard-riding Nomad, that is easier said than done.

Hanging on to dear life. Don't go cracking on me.

The only thing to do was ease off the pace.

Just not quite as much as McGuinness.

Let's try again.

Come on, G-Wagon!

Right.

While Germany's finest was busy burying itself into a hillside,

after a difficult first leg, Team Defender was finally making a move.

That was impressive.

Because that's a really tricky surface.

Let's scarper back down here, shall we?

Here we go, boys!

HE LAUGHS

What do they say when you go to the mountains?

They say go properly equipped. I am properly equipped.

Which, it was time to conclude, McGuinness wasn't.

Go on, G-Wagon. You've got it.

Nothing stops this car, nothing.

So, with the G-Wagon now being winched to safety by some

- local forestry types... - Lovely, bit of German engineering!

...it's fair to say McGuinness's race was over.

But my plucky Defender had got me back to the road,

and as we closed in on the lighthouse, the only question now was:

Would Flintoff and his Nomad emerge in front...

There we go, we're off again.

...or behind?

Lighthouse, on the B with a lot of numbers.

Light bulb's intact, I've got the key.

Am I going to be first?

Oh!

There's the lighthouse.

Come on!

Oh, hang on, hang on. Oh, hang on.

No!

Oh, Andrew!

No!

He can't get past me.

- You all right, Chris? - You cannot get past me.

It's still single track, my friend.

No! I just need a little bit more.

I'm loving this!

- And he's trying it. - Oh!

- He's trying it! - There's a fence there.

This was it, then.

With the road snaking its final few yards to the coast,

our Highland adventure was at an end.

If it goes two lanes, this will become the widest Defender ever.

And as the Ardnamurchan Lighthouse rounded into view,

the car in front was the Defender.

What are the chances that there's a red G-Wagon ahead of both of us?

Not a chance. Not a chance.

It's a victory.

Oh!

But there was of course one more job left to do.

- Do you want me to open it? - Yes, please, Andrew.

The lighthouse needed its new bulb,

and that meant lugging all 19 kilos of it up to the top.

It's never-ending! It's like a Paddy McGuinness joke.

I think the Defender might have done us here, Larry.

That could have all been yours, Larry. Never mind.

And once McGuinness and his new friend finally joined us...

Not far now, Larry.

...the only question was: Had my bulb survived the trip?

I declare this lighthouse operational.

Yes!

Oh. You have as well. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh, no! What have you done?

Hey, don't worry! Larry's here. I've brought Larry up, lads.

You must have cracked it in transit.

It's gone. It's gone bang, lads.

THEY CHEER

ALL: Ohhhh!

PADDY CHEERS

- They're meant to flash. - No, they spin, don't they?

- No, they flash. They flash now. - There you go, you see.

That's his nautical knowledge. Do they not go round like that? No.

- Paddy, it's 2021. - Do they not do that any more in lighthouses?

What do you think this is? Moby Dick?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Come on! - Fair play, Chris. Congratulations.

But you've got to admit you're lucky. I nearly had you there.

I had you totally covered the whole way.

No chance, I was just behind you. I was catching you up in the Nomad. Look at it.

You were still second.

Lads, lads, lads, we were all winners, really.

We all made it to the lighthouse

and we avoided an international shipping incident.

Well, not really, you came last. You got stuck in the mud, Pad. What?

That third diff-lock came in very handy, didn't it?

I've got to be honest, if I'd have had six diff-locks,

it wouldn't have made any difference with them tyres.

What we can all agree on is that I won

and the Defender is the best off-roader here by miles.

We can't agree on that. It's this every day of the week. The Nomad.

- What's wrong with you? Look at it. - Enough, enough. Stop there. I won.

It's simple. OK? And that's all we've got time for tonight.

It is, but we'll be back next week with the last show of the series.

- Where has that time gone? - Already? - Yeah!

But don't worry because it's a belter.

We finally solve the male midlife crisis. See you then! Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE