Original subtitles

'Hello, children!

'This is Father Christmas speaking.

'Welcome to my Christmas sweet factory,

'where my little helpers make all those lovely tasty sweets

'that go into your Christmas stocking.

'Watch how it's done.

'First of all, they fill the special sweet-making machine with sugar

'and then they add all the other lovely mixtures

'that go to make up your favourite sweets.

'Here you can see some of my little helpers...'

God rest ye merry, gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember Christ, our Saviour, was born on Christmas Day

To save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

In Bethlehem in Jewry this blessed babe was born

And laid within a manger upon this blessed morn

The which His Mother Mary nothing did take in scorn

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and Joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

From God our Heavenly Father a blessed angel came

And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same...

- Thank you. Bye. - Bye-bye.

- You'll be the death of me, Maddy. - Shut up and get the car.

You're going bald. It must be nerves.

Thank you.

These are all size large.

You've got to stop it, Maddy. I can't stand the strain.

Stay home, then.

If you've got to steal things, then at least be practical.

We needed onions. We did not need more Christmas lights.

You buy the food, I'll get the goodies.

Please don't smoke in the car, Maddy.

Stop it.

Now, Maddy, have you any idea

what a burning cigarette can do to velour upholstery?

I can live with the pollution,

but you're becoming a fire hazard too, and that's a problem.

Now, look, don't get me wrong. I'm not worried about the car.

I can live without it. It's your own safety that concerns me.

The summer's gone...

And all the leaves are dying...

Very nice. Thank you, Maddy.

But why the four sets of Christmas lights?

I want to have lots of lights on the tree.

Well, we can always use the other two sets as spares.

No, they'll all go on the tree.

Okay.

Do you want to go out tonight?

No.

Do you want to eat?

Later.

Do you want to wrap Auntie Betty's handbag?

No.

- What time is it, Alan? - Christmas time, I think.

Just a wee something.

Cheers.

Maddy, I think it's time we took some of the price tags off these things.

Why?

I think there were some tags on the olives.

Okay.

What are you doing? Are you collecting them or what?

I am, yeah. You get a Ford Fiesta.

Are you sure you don't want to go out, Maddy? It's only eight.

No.

Maddy? What are you up to?

I'm leaving, Alan.

I'm taking some things, my things, and I'm leaving.

I meant to tell you ages ago, but the moment didn't arise.

I have to go.

I wanted to talk to you about it, but it just didn't happen.

Maddy, please. Sit down. We can talk about it now.

It's too late.

George is coming over soon. He's hired a truck.

I meant to tell you ages ago.

It's your sister set this up, didn't she? It's your crazy sister!

No, it's me. I'm doing it.

I asked George to help me move out. That's all.

To be honest, this last room may take a while.

No, be all right. Be finished quick, I would think.

Evening, Alan. All right?

- All right? - Good evening.

Fellows, if you could go through here...

- Aye, sure. - There's a table and some chairs.

Well, you're quite serious about this, then, Maddy?

Look, I'm really sorry about this, Alan. I'm just helping out.

There'll be no hard feelings, eh? I mean, it's just just women.

George, there's some more chairs in the kitchen.

- Right, Maddy. - Maddy, baby, please talk to me.

- Please stay and talk to me. - Don't let's drag it out, Alan.

Don't be cruel.

- Could you take that? - Nice chair.

Aye, lovely. Sorry.

Maddy!

Please stop this, Alan. You're not making it easy.

You don't make anything easy.

All right, just leave the book. I'm reading it, eh?

- Just leave that book. I'm reading it. - No, put it in the box. It's my book.

I'm halfway through it. Could you just leave the damn book?

- You didn't buy it. - Neither did you buy it.

- Well, it's mine. - Right.

Right. Well, that's my sweater, if it comes down to it, so give me the sweater.

You're upset. Don't be childish.

If I'm a child, well, you're a thief!

I only wanted it as a keepsake.

But if you feel that strongly about it, you can have it.

Have the book too, with my compliments.

I don't want to do this, you know.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't want to do it.

Well, it's very good of you, Alan, very good. No, down, down.

Now easy with the handle. Right.

So, you really, really want to leave, then, eh?

You really want to go?

Now? Leave?

Yeah.

It's a bit of a shock.

I know.

I wanted to get the lights on the tree for you before I left.

Well, come upstairs and do that, then?

No, you do it.

Don't leave it bare.

Can I drive you anywhere?

No, I'll go with George.

Be good.

It's six o'clock in the morning!

- Morning, Moira. - Good morning, Dicky.

On 261 we're bringing you the national news on the hour!

'This is the six o'clock news headlines with Peter Porter reporting.

'More fighting has broken out in Berunda, West Africa.

'Rival guerrilla groups are claiming victory over President Mandi's Republican troops

'and Radio Berunda last night announced a total curfew in the capital.'

In Washington, the Pentagon has confirmed

that the US fleet at present exercising off the coast of Berunda

would continue its watching patrol.

In the Middle East, the hoped-for settlement of fighting in Avonia

has hit new obstacles.

Delegates from both sides abandoned the Christmas peace conference yesterday

and later fresh rocket attacks took place at the capital's airport.

27 people died before UN troops managed to stop the shelling.

And in the Far East, 40 civilian refugees died

in heavy bombing attacks on the island of Samato

when the Christmas truce there broke down yesterday.

Opponents of the dictatorship government of President Barmai

claimed that the armed forces were deliberately attacking civilian targets

as an act of provocation.

More foreign news.

Mamie, the giant panda, recently arrived at the Moscow Zoo,

as a gift from the People's Republic of China,

might just be pregnant.

Officials at the Moscow Zoo

said that tests today should confirm the pregnancy.

All this week, Mamie has been off her food

and suffering from morning sickness.

Mamie needs peace and quiet now, said the zoo official.

And lastly, the weather for west central Scotland and the city.

This morning will be milder than overnight,

still no sign of a white Christmas,

and some light rain might reach the area by early evening.

The next news at seven,

and now stand by for your daily dose of Dicky Bird.

National news on the hour!

Thanks for all that wonderful six o'clock news, Peter.

You know, I keep telling him that it would be cheaper

to telephone the early news to those half a dozen poor souls

that have been listening to yawn-a-minute Kelly all night,

- but he won't listen to me. - Time to get up!

Hello, Dicky! Good morning!

Hello!

- Hello! - Good morning! Tweet-tweet!

Anyway, the fun starts now

because Dicky Bird is here to get you up, get you to work

or wherever it is you have to be by nine.

Don't you know what they say about the early worm?

- The early worm! - What do they say?

It always gets the bird

Yes, "The Dicky Bird Early Worm Show".

Hello there!

- You okay, kid? - Aye, I'm fine.

Keep your pecker up?

He's done it again, folks. Kelly's fallen asleep at the microphone.

I got here only just in time.

Anyway, here's a quick traffic roundup.

There's absolutely nothing in the streets right now, not a car in sight,

so why don't you take advantage of that?

Get in your car and get into work straightaway.

You'll be in three hours early,

and there'll be another traffic roundup at the same time tomorrow.

And Nancy in the front office has just come in to tell me that

the lookalikes competition has captured her imagination again this week.

A man from Paisley has just phoned in

to say that his wife is the absolute double of Richard Nixon.

We'll believe anything that happens in Paisley,

but the rules are either a photograph sent up here to the station

or why don't you just pop up and let Nancy check you out in person?

And I can tell you that's a journey very, very well worth making?

Lookalike, lookalike, someday famous

I've just seen the very lovely Anne coming in there

to give us the 8.30 travel roundup.

I wonder who Anne thinks she looks like?

I think there's a little touch of the Ingrid Bergman in there?

How are you, Annie? Are you all right?

'Thank you, yes, Dicky, I'm fine.'

okay, now, where should we avoid traffic-wise today?

'How about everywhere?'

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! I'll leave you to it, then.

'Thank you. Well, Dicky,

'Christmas traffic is expected to be the main problem again today,

'with all city-centre car parks likely to be filling up by mid-morning

'and a lot more vehicles prowling the streets, looking for parking space, so...'

Would you get me a line, Nancy, please?

'If you can use public transport, it will make sense for everybody.

'At the moment, however, traffic is moving well on the Kingston Bridge

'despite the closure of Bothwell Street exit

'and the tunnel northbound and southbound is easing off now too.'

Hello, Colin? Yeah, Alan here, yeah.

I'm in deep trouble, friend. Can you come over?

I'll see you at the house at about 11, okay? And God bless.

'...for some snow on the A9 and M9 north of Perth.

'Nothing else at the moment so back to you, Dicky.'

- Radio - 261

You're on 261

- She really meant business? - Don't say that.

Well, what do you want me to say?

That she'll be back in a day or two, with her tail between her legs

and the piano and the dining table?

She left the washing machine. That could be a good sign, eh?

I don't see Maddy coming back for a washing machine. Fur coat, maybe.

She didn't leave her fur coat, did she?

Was everything hers?

Except for the mortgage. That was mine.

Well, you know Maddy. She was always acquiring things, you know.

She liked acquiring things.

What am I going to do?

Do you realise how lucky you are?

Don't you see what an opportunity you have?

How many people our age would give an arm and a leg

to be able to just break out and start all over again?

It's a new life. That's what you've been handed on a plate.

And look around you.

Everything here is you.

This little table is you.

The book there. I mean, it's you. There's nothing but you here now.

What a chance!

Look, you've been submerged in another person's personality,

become a sub-person, and now you're free.

Well, thanks a lot. Why didn't you tell me all this before?

Because Maddy was just utterly fantastic and special...

and you deserved as much of her as you were going to get.

But now you've had it.

It's your turn now.

Anyway, there was always something unreal about you two.

You were like kids, playing and fighting.

It was a bit of a caper, wasn't it?

No, don't say that. No, I worshipped her.

That's not the nicest thing you can do to somebody, is it?

- I hope you don't worship me. - No. No, you're my friend.

- Did Maddy take the telephone? - No, it's...

it's in there.

286, please.

It works. You're still in business.

Rhona? It's Colin.

Where does it come from?

What age?

What was it? An accident?

Good.

Well, you fix up the theatre for two.

Get the pre-med finished and I'll see you in ten minutes, okay?

I've got to go and introduce somebody to a second-hand kidney.

What will you do?

I'll do some shopping, get some things for the house, pots and pans and things.

Good lad.

Want to eat with us tonight?

Yeah, maybe. I'll let you know.

Okay.

Colin?

- Do you think she loved me? - Sure she did.

She told me one night when she was drunk.

- She never told me. - Well, she wouldn't.

Where was I at the time?

You were through in the kitchen telling Fiona you loved her.

You were drunk too.

You know you can have all three products the same colour?

- Aye, I know it. It doesn't matter. - Sure? okay.

I kind of like to mix and match.

I just thought it might look nicer.

'No less than eight Christmas truces are in jeopardy around the world today,

'and intense diplomatic activity continues

'in an effort to reduce global tension.

'In the Middle East, the American Special Envoy had breakfast meetings

'with rival Palazi leaders in Avonia,

'whilst heavy fighting continued on the outskirts of the city.

'He said later, "We will have peace here at any price."

'Mamie the giant panda is said to be comfortable and well at Moscow Zoo,

'shortly after her pregnancy was confirmed.'

Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be

And the children say he could laugh and play...

'...population in the capital in acts of looting and other violence.'

Sit tight.

We'll bring you the traffic situation right now in your car

Right now in your car

'Hello, folks!

- Yes, please, sir? - A 99, please.

With or without?

- Raspberry. - with, please.

Right.

There you are.

And a Highland Toffee, please.

There you are. Thank you.

Thank you.

Come on!

Just beat it!

Get to hell, the pair of you!

It's you, isn't it?

Dicky Bird's here!

- For God's sake, get in the car! - Give us an autograph, Dicky.

- I'm sorry, I don't have a pen on me. - Come on! Let's get out of here!

Give us a dedication at least, eh? For my mother.

Yeah. Sure.

- Tomorrow morning. - Right.

Have you any Mantovani or Dean Martin?

Bound to, bound to, yeah. What, "Memories Are Made Of This"?

Aye, lovely.

Yes, sir, can I help you?

- A refill for your 99? - Are you okay?

What? Yes, everything's under control. Don't worry about a thing, sir.

- Was there something you wanted? - Are you hurt? Is that blood?

No. It's just raspberry essence.

Don't worry about a thing. Just some high-spirited youths, that's all.

Now, if there's nothing else you want, I think we'd better be on our way.

'Hello, folks! Hello, folks! Hello, folks!

Maddy!

Have you still got a bed?

I've missed you, Maddy.

Where did you get these pyjamas?

I was cold. I don't need them.

Can I stay the night?

You can stay forever. You know that.

Okay.

I'll stay forever.

National news!

National news on the hour

'Another border clash took place in the night in the Bulati mountains

'between troops of Bulati and Nigora.

'A Bulati Army statement claimed...'

- Keith? - Yeah?

Fix me up a booth for ten o'clock, will you?

I'd like to do some commercials and some trailers for the weekend.

- You could edit them, okay? - Sure thing, Alan.

- Keith? - Yeah?

What would clean ice-cream stains off velour upholstery?

Now, that sounds like a hot-water-and-detergent job.

But you'd need to wet the whole seat so it wouldn't leave a mark.

- It'll be a bit tricky. - okay, thanks.

Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munchies

That last the whole day

Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops.

You just munch them all day. They never stop.

Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, I want them now

Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munchies that last all day!

Well, it was a bit dry, maybe.

All right, spin it again.

Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munchies

That last the whole day

Thrifty Pops!

You just eat them all day. They never stop.

No. You said "eat", Alan.

It should be "munch".

The big, big bag of munchies that last the whole day

Thrifty Pops!

You just munch them all day. They never stop. Cut!

There's something wrong. The rhythm's wrong. It's that "you".

We don't need this "you". Who wrote this stuff?

Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munchies

That last the whole day

Thrifty Pops! Munch them all day. They never stop.

Thrifty Pops!

I'm not so sure. I think the "you" had something. It broke the beat.

The way it came in on the sub-beat was quite special.

Give us it again.

The big, big bag of munchies that last the whole day

Nancy, is Hilary in? I'd like a word with him.

I'll find out if he's free.

- Shut it. - Hello, Gloria?

Alan Bird would like to see Hilary, if he's free.

- Two minutes' time? - Lovely.

- Thanks, Gloria. - Yeah.

How's the lookalikes competition coming along?

Fine. Everyone still wants to look like Princess You-Know-Who, though.

You know, I'm gonna get my dentist to write in.

He's the absolute spitting image of George C. Scott.

I hear the seven deadly sins and the terrible twins came to call on you.

Dire Straits.

The bigger they are, babe, the harder they fall on you.

- Turn your radio on - Turn your radio on

Hello?

- Now, stop your nonsense, Gloria. - Now, that's not fair!

It's absolutely fair. I'm allowed to do that.

Right, right, I want a turn next. Look, you...

Listen, don't put your finger there.

I can't get in if you put your finger there.

You'll have to be quicker than that.

I was always doing it very quick.

You did that when I wasn't looking!

- Oh, look what you've done now! - Oh, no!

Get out of there!

- I think that'll be all, Gloria... - What?

...for the moment.

- Come in, Alan. Come away in. - Hello, Hilary.

That phone-in joke spot, Monday, was ace, tiptop.

- I hope you're going to keep it in. - Thanks.

Well, now, what can I do for you?

I'd just like to talk.

I think things are changing. I think I'm changing.

Maybe. I don't think this is a good time to talk about money, Alan.

I mean, the Christmas bonus is in the pipeline. Now, you know that.

It's not money, Hilary. No, I don't mean money.

No, I mean formats. Programmes.

You know, all the things that maybe I could handle.

What do you mean?

I'm not a kid.

I'm a serious person, I've got serious friends,

and maybe I should be more serious, sometimes, on the air.

- I don't catch your drift. - I'm not just a clown.

Maybe I could do other kinds of shows, like a documentary.

- A documentary? - It's a real kind of a show.

It's got real things, people. Out on the streets, real things.

You know, I could follow something up and make a show in depth.

Aye, Rufus told me about Madeline leaving.

Who the hell told Rufus?

Anyway, it's got nothing to do with Maddy. This is work.

I think I'm on to something. I want to chase it up. Make a programme.

You know, there are things going on in this town that would make your hair curl.

Have I ever told you about my Navy days?

We used to do ship-to-ship transfers. You know, breeches buoy.

Just a little bucket seat way out there in the ocean.

There was a point, you see, when you'd be halfway between one ship and the other

and the swell sometimes which put both ships out of sight,

for 15, 20 seconds...

and there you'd be, hanging beneath a bit of rope...

and nothing all around you but angry water.

Do you get my point?

No.

But surely, I mean, if you're sat there, where you...

- Are you sure you don't get the point? - Not exactly.

Well, it's depression, Alan, depression.

You're stuck between where you've been and where you're going,

and you've lost sight of both.

The secret, Alan, is faith.

Next time you look up, the way ahead will be clear.

Think about it.

Can I make a documentary anyway?

Alan, the resources of the station are yours to make use of, you know that,

but I don't see any need to tamper with "The Dicky Bird Early Worm Show",

do you?

Fair enough.

I can pick up a tape recorder at the newsroom?

Of course you can.

Knock on the door any time, Alan.

And Alan,

don't fret about these angry seas below you.

I'll be seeing you, Hilary.

Gloria. Listen, get onto the legal department, would you?

I want the lowdown on Alan Bird's contract.

Aye, find out if it's yearly or six-monthly.

And, Gloria, find out if there's a sanity clause.

No, a sanity clause.

Santa Claus!

Dicky Bird documentary, "Bird's-eye View", take one.

Alan Bird documentary, "Bird's-eye View", take one.

Here I am in the heart of the city...

talking about this place that...

We all think that we know our own place...

our own town, but do we?

How much do we know...

or care?

Things happen around us...

The other night, I saw two men demolish an ice-cream van with iron bars.

Can you believe it?

Right here in this city.

There are things...

going on in this city that would make you...

Maddy, please come home.

I want to see you today.

I want to see what you're wearing.

I want you to tell me a joke.

I want to make you something nice to eat.

Ice cream is not something that many of us give a great deal of thought to.

But...

especially at this time of year, I mean.

Hello, Colin? Yeah, this is Alan. Yeah, this is an SOS.

Can I come over?

'This is Dicky Bird and I've got a real problem.

'I've just tasted an exciting new minty snack called EasiChews,

'but I can't decide whether it's a mint or a chew bar.

'It comes from the people who make Minty Crunch,

'so you know that it tastes good and minty,

'but it chews like a real chewy chew bar.

'It's a between-meal snack that comes in four big chocolate-covered fingers.

'Try one, and then you decide. Is it a mint or is it a chew?

'It's a problem.'

How was the operation yesterday?

The operation.

Yeah. That was fine.

The bugger had eaten a sandwich the night before and not told us.

I very nearly sewed his new kidney onto a piece of tomato.

The one essential is a good empty gut. But the kidney seems like a good match.

- What did you do last night? - I bought some ice cream.

Do you know anything about ice cream? I mean professionally.

Medically.

- Chemically. - Not a lot, no.

- You should ask the experts. - Aye.

Could you sew it for her, please?

I've left my needle and thread at the hospital, sweetheart.

This is a real mess, Lilly. I've told you about amputations.

Now, you just watch them closely and only chop if you have to, okay?

I wish I could cry like that. I've forgotten how to.

Have another couple of drinks and it'll all come back.

- Aye. - Well, that's serious medical advice.

Sometimes there's nothing like a good skinful.

Stay the night, Alan. The girls can double up.

Do you want me to ask him?

Lilly says you can get her ready for bed tonight, Uncle Dicky.

- Now, that's a great honour. - Lilly.

Dicky in the bed, girls in the bunk, all right?

- Yes. - Night-night, ladies.

Kiss Daddy night-night.

Big kiss.

Night-night, night-night, sweetheart.

Come on, baby. There.

Come on.

You're a lucky bugger.

How did you get it all together?

You're so productive.

Reproductive. There's a difference.

Now, don't forget. I was always jealous of you at university.

Organising the hops?

Mr Showbiz.

- Pulling girls. - Failing exams.

Even that made me jealous. I didn't have the guts to fail exams.

You're just trying to make me feel better.

Well, that's my job.

I only hung around with you because you knew all the fast girls.

Yeah, but you married one of them. You got one of them to keep.

I don't even have a home.

You drive around the city and all you see are homes,

and I don't have one.

We've all got worries, you know.

I have this recurring nightmare about you coming to date one of my daughters

in about ten years' time. It's awful.

Well, she will be old enough to know her own mind, Colin.

Well, imagine, that little madam wanting you to undress her tonight.

Six years old.

Night-night, Dicky.

Night-night, Lilly.

Will you be staying tomorrow night?

I don't think so.

Will you play me a record?

On the Saturday show. I promise.

It's for Andrew, but don't mention my name.

Okay.

Night-night.

- What happened to the car? - Ice-cream cones.

Take me home. I'm freezing.

How did you find me?

I tried you at home and the rest was easy.

You're a dream, aren't you?

No, I'm real.

Touch me.

Feel me.

Sniff me.

I smell nice, don't I?

Even my sweat smells nice.

Take me home.

You wee bugger, you're not a dream.

Maddy, I'm...

Dicky Bird here.

My parties are going with a zing this Christmas, and you know why?

It's new Party Mix, the drink mixer for every taste,

in tangy, tropical four-fruits or smoothie-tomato flavour.

Yes, gin, vodka and Bacardi taste new and exciting with Party Mix.

Come in and join the crowd with Party Mix.

'Dicky darling, over here!'

Excuse me, folks. See you later. Help yourself to the Party Mix.

Party Mix, your new Party Mix

Sorry, Alan. We'd like to go again. We'll have to do a live mix, okay?

Clive says could you make it a bit more suggestive at the end,

like you know you're going to have a good time.

A good time. Lovely, thanks.

...around me tight, Santa, hear my plea...

A message for you, Alan.

Santa, bring my baby back to me...

A Mr Bruno Cullinari says he'll see you outside the car park at six o'clock.

- Mr who? - Bruno Cullinari? He was a bit weird.

Okay, thanks.

Alan? Bob Hope and Fred Astaire. The doubles competition.

- I'm Bob Hope. - Right.

I was actually more like him when I was younger.

I've got a photograph. Does photographs count?

I'm not sure about that.

No, the rules are a wee bit hazy on that score.

Now, look, this was taken in 1958

and everybody says I was Bob Hope's double.

Surely that must go for something.

Yeah, well, look, Bob, we'll let you know on that. Thanks.

Mr Bird? Fred Astaire.

- Yes? - Thank you for coming, Mr Bird.

Come on out. You're okay.

It's a real treat to meet you, Mr Bird.

- That's my brother Paolo. - How do you do?

That's Renato...

and I'm Bruno.

Come inside and meet Mr McCool.

Mr Bird, meet Mr McCool.

- I believe you know Mr Bunny. - No, hardly at all.

No, I bought a 99 from him and we exchanged a few words.

Sit down, please, Mr Bird.

Mr Bird, ice cream is an old established business.

Everybody knows where he stands in the city.

We all work together. It's a kind of family.

That sounds nice.

Of course, everything works on trust. Kind of unwritten rules.

A certain amount of honour is involved.

But Mr Bunny doesn't play by the rules.

- The unwritten ones? - Yes.

The unwritten ones.

It's a territorial thing, really.

Other people work in the east, in the south,

but we do business here in the north, where we belong.

But Mr Bunny, he's all over the place, Mr Bird.

He is an interloper.

He's like a rogue elephant, wild, no rules.

Well, as I say, we only exchanged a few words.

In fact I'm not even sure if it was Mr Bunny himself.

No, there is no Mr Bunny, Mr Bird.

I told you, he's wild. He's a rogue.

No family, no heart. Just a bunch of desperadoes.

Well, what's it got to do with me?

You must talk to him, let him see reason...

before things get bad.

But they're bad already. I mean, my car, the seats are ruined!

Have you ever tried to get ice cream off velour upholstery?

My father says that things can only get worse if you don't help us.

People do desperate things when their livelihood is threatened.

For reasons of honour and for other reasons,

we can't talk directly to Mr Bunny.

Everybody puts their faith in you.

My father says that he speaks for the whole of the ice-cream community,

and my father asks if he can call you Dicky.

My father says that ice cream is his life

and he's called you Dicky again.

Yeah, my friends call me Alan...

Well, I'll do what I can.

Thank you for helping us. I knew you would.

You came along just when we needed you.

The best machines for the best ice cream.

Grazie, Renato.

A small early token of our appreciation, Alan.

Gold Medal de luxe vanilla.

Of course, you can have any flavour you like it.

No, that's fine. Vanilla is fine, yes.

And this is what Mr Bunny and people like him want to deprive the people of,

a first-class ice cream. Please.

- Thank you. - Pleasure.

- And I wonder... - Yes?

Could you help me out with a pint of milk? I think I missed the shops.

Of course, of course.

Si, si.

That's Archie and Amos, two of my best men.

This is Dicky Bird from the radio.

I'm Amos. He's Archie.

Bruno.

Here. Let me pay for this.

Well, if you insist. It's 20 pence. That's exactly what we pay.

Aye, 20p. Well, there you are. Thank you.

- Bruno? - Si?

My father apologises for speaking in Italian,

but he says it's the language of his heart.

Sure.

Well, cheerio and...

thanks for the milk and the ice cream and...

Good night, Mr Bird. Thank you very much.

Good night.

- Good night. We'll keep in touch. - Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Dicky.

- Could I have your autograph? - sure, yes.

Have you got a pen? Right, lovely. What was your name again?

Could you make it to "my dear friend Paolo"?

- To my dear friend Paolo, eh? - Paolo.

That's a good Scottish name, that, isn't it?

Dicky Bird.

"Tweet, twiddly, tweet."

- That's great. - Lovely. okay?

- Right, thanks a lot. - See you.

- Lovely car. - Aye, thanks very much.

Me and Mrs Jones

We got a thing going on

We meet every day at the same cafe

6.30 and no-one knows she'll be there

Holding hands

Making all kinds of plans

While the jukebox plays our favourite song

Me and Mrs Jones

Mrs Jones...

And I know that this will be very bad news for Bob Hope of Anniesland,

but, come on, Bob, keep trying.

Maybe you could practise looking like somebody else, eh?

Someday famous

Lookalike, lookalike, someday famous

And before I go today, I just want to steal the airwaves

and just get a teensy bit serious.

I've got a message for someone who might just be listening. Mr Bunny.

Or Miss Bunny. I do want to talk to you again.

So, how about same time, same place?

Tonight. End of message.

And listen, everybody. One day soon, I'm gonna tell you all about this.

Perhaps in a very special programme. But until then I'm a man of mystery.

I'm afraid that tooth's very bad.

So, what we'll do, seeing it's you...

we'll put a dressing into it

and...

if there's no pain at all, fix it on your next visit.

'Hello, folks!

This is the reserve vehicle. The rest are back at the body shop.

This is me completely out of action. No more front-line units.

- I just wanted to have a word with you. - I know that.

I was coming to see you. What did you think I was doing?

- I thought you were trying to get away. - Oh, God Almighty.

This is my first night on the Loganvale estate. I was cleaning up here!

Let's have a look. Your radiator's okay.

I'll get the lads at the body shop to beat this out for you.

No. I'll get it fixed.

No point hanging about here, is there?

Come on, follow me back to HQ.

'Hello, folks!'

You seen some action tonight, Trevor. Was it a ramming job?

No, it was Robin Hood here coming to rescue me.

'Hello, folks!

Aye.

'Hello, folks!'

It's just superficial damage.

I'll get Roddy to bash it out and slap some paint on it.

No, please. I'll fix it tomorrow.

Suit yourself. It'll cost you a fortune to get it fixed anywhere else.

- Really? - We can field two units tomorrow night.

- I've fixed up the freezer on the Merc. - Good, good. Well done.

- Listen, is Charlotte in the... - She's in the office.

Right.

'Hello, folks!'

So, is this really the ultimate driving machine?

Good.

Hello, folks!

Take a seat.

Mr Bird here wants to talk to us.

- He's seen McCool. - Yeah?

McCool wants to get together, reach an agreement.

He's very upset.

I think it's a serious offer.

McCool's serious, all right. He's deadly serious.

Do you have any idea what you're getting involved in here?

- Do you work for McCool? - Certainly not. I'm a journalist.

I'm trying to stop senseless violence.

McCool runs a big outfit. He wants to talk.

He wants to annihilate us, that's what he wants.

McCool has got a stranglehold on every operator in the north of this city.

He controls every franchise. Wafer supply, ice cream, soft drinks.

He's even got a 10% mark-up on every gallon of raspberry essence.

Now, you do your shopping elsewhere and you got the demolition treatment.

How long have you been locked up in that radio station of yours, Mr Bird?

Do you have any idea what's going on around here?

Well, I got the impression that he wants to try and find a working relationship.

Yeah, exactly. Us working for him.

And you want me to tell those people that you want them to work for McCool,

after the threats, the violence, the day-and-night work here?

You go and tell them!

Well, something's got to be done. It seems so stupid. It's almost like a joke.

People getting so angry about ice cream. It's a joke.

And what deadly serious occupation are you involved in, Mr Dicky Bird?

What exactly is your contribution to humanity?

I want to help. But what can I do?

I want to help all of you find a solution.

You tell McCool this. We'll take his ice cream, but under our conditions.

Every Mr Bunny's his own boss, and that's the way it stays.

Now, we're talking equal prices with no mark-ups.

And an open market in wafers. We buy where we want.

If he prices fairly, then he gets the business.

Now, on territories, we are willing to negotiate openly around the table.

We talk under those conditions.

Where do you get your supplies from at the moment?

So, that's what McCool's after. That's why he sent you.

- He must be worried, Charlotte. - Nobody sent me.

Okay, well, you go back to where nobody sent you from

and you tell them what we said, we talk in an open market.

- Okay. - okay.

Now, you'd better go before the boys get to work on your car.

You'll end up with a fridge in the back and a set of chimes.

'Hello, folks!'

Charlotte? See Mr Bird off the premises.

Parlare italiano... non...

I speak English.

Good. Well, I'm on your side, Charlotte.

You know that.

Well, I'm on both your sides, really, because what I think...

I think you should all be on the same side.

'Cheerio, folks!'

I'd really like to see you again and get to know you better.

'Cheerio, folks!'

What's the matter? Don't people date each other anymore?

- Well, gee, I don't know. - 'Cheerio, folks!'

Mr Bird!

When you see McCool, be sure and remind him.

Formerly Mr Softy. No more.

'Cheerio, folks!'

Here. Here's some ice cream for you.

Thank you.

'Cheerio, folks!'

In the name of...

Be finished in a minute, Dicky.

Munch them all day!

'Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops!

'You just munch them all day. They never stop.'

Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops! I want them now...

Hello, Mr Bird. Please come in.

- Sit down. - Thank you.

Sit down. Have a cup of coffee.

A wee cake or some chocolate biscuit, Alan?

- Yes, please. - Maria.

Maria, what have you got left? Any Kunzle cake?

Yes, I have two Kunzle cakes and some apple pie.

Oh, good, good, good. Mr Bird and I will have the Kunzle cakes.

Some biscuit for the boys. A wee slice of apple pie too.

There's a good girl.

I wanted some Kunzle cake as well.

Well, that's a pity, Bruno,

because you'll just have to have some apple pie or a Yo Yo, won't you?

So, Alan, what did Mr Bunny have to say for himself?

A lot. He wants to talk.

I think it could work out good.

Where did you meet? His place?

We went there, yes.

Where? Where is it?

Now, listen. I'm not taking any sides.

You asked me to help you talk to Mr Bunny. That's all.

Bruno, please. Here, have this.

- Thanks. - Bruno.

Give Alan his Kunzle cake.

Well, they have simple demands.

They want to do business with you, that's obvious.

Who? Who's they?

I spoke with Trevor. That's no secret, is it?

Trevor? Trevor, Trevor, Trevor!

My father says, "Of all the most loathsome names,

"you have to mention that one, the most abhorred name of all,

"the name of a two-timing, interloping, fish-and-chip seller.

- "A name without honour." - Yes.

"The name of a son whose father turns in his grave

"to see the disgrace that he brings to his family."

I don't understand.

Trevor's a Marinetti. They have fish-and-chip shops all over.

We were close to them at one time.

Then Trevor started to drift into ice cream, and he shouldn't have,

because there was a kind of a...

Unwritten law.

Yes, an unwritten law.

What's this?

I forgot I was at the dentist today.

What else happened at Mr Bunny, Alan?

Well, nothing much.

He wants to talk, that's for sure, and...

and they gave me some ice cream, just like you did.

They gave you some ice cream?

Bruno...

Si. Bravo, Papa. Si, si.

My father says that one taste of that ice cream can answer many questions.

My father has the taste buds of a master.

He knows every ice cream in the country.

Paolo! Silenzio!

You're not having my ice cream, Mr McCool.

If you want one, there's a Mr Bunny van every night up in Rosshall Park.

Alan, please come back. Have another cup of coffee.

- Come on, please. - Can I have your autograph?

Aye, sure, sure. Is that to Maria?

Just let me know when you really want to talk.

I'll be happy to fix it up for you.

Ciao!

Bruno, no!

Stupido!

'It was announced in Moscow today

'that Mamie the giant panda died in the night.

'Earlier this week, zoo officials were rejoicing at Mamie's confirmed pregnancy,

'but a spokesman said today that tests had revealed a serious stomach illness

'bearing similar symptoms to pregnancy.

'Messages of condolence have been arriving at the Moscow Zoo

'from all over the world.

'The spokesman also said

'that there would be early plans to have Mamie stuffed

'and put on permanent display at the zoo

'as a lasting tribute to the generosity of the People's Republic of China

'in gifting the animal to the Russian people.'

And I'm saying this for any Mr Bunny who may be listening. The message is urgent.

Mr McCool is on the trail.

Be prepared. Mr McCool is on to you.

So, please, same time, same place, Mr Bunny, and I'll give you all the details

but in the meantime double the guards,

and send the women and children to the hills.

'So, this is Dicky Worm, your early bird, saying cheery-bye

'and don't forget, big prize day tomorrow on the doubles match

'and the big prize this week is a wee bitty special.

'It's one whole day's use

'of big station boss Hilary Sandeman's American Express card,

'but knowing our Hilary,

'he'll make sure that it's Boxing Day when all the shops are shut.

'But never mind. Finally, once again, Mr Bunny.

'If any Mr Bunny is listening out there,

'then please get the word back to big Mr Bunny.'

- Gloria? I want to see Alan Bird. - 'The McCools are on the warpath. Bye!'

Well, I told you. I'm on to something.

It'll break soon. I'll make a programme.

- Alan, you have not been yourself lately. - Well, that's just the point.

I wasn't myself before, when I was myself,

but now I am myself, or very nearly.

- I don't follow you. - I told you.

I'm changing. I had to.

My life was the wrong flavour.

My whole life was the wrong ice cream. It needed a new flavour.

Ice cream?

You see, I was raspberry when I should have been vanilla. Do you get it?

Does this Bunny talk to you a lot?

I talk to them all. I see them all. I'm helping them. They need me.

- Them all? - Yes.

I needed to care for something, to get involved.

You can ask my friend Colin. He's a surgeon.

I've got a friend too, Alan, who's a kind of a doctor.

Would you like to have a talk with him?

What about?

I think you should see someone soon, Alan,

someone who could help you find yourself.

Do you mean a head psychiatrist? you think I'm nuts. I'm not nuts!

Alan, before you go back on the air again, I have to insist.

- Mr Swan? - Bird.

Make yourself at home. I'll be with you in a jiffy.

I wouldn't lie there. That's another £20 an hour.

It's mostly used for group therapy nowadays, anyway.

So, I hear you have a friend called Mr Bunny?

Not a friend, no. Somebody I'm helping.

I'm helping all of them, all the Mr Bunnys.

How long have you been associating with these Mr Bunnys?

All week, since Maddy left.

- Maddy? - Yeah, my girl. She left me.

Yeah, we'd been together for four years.

It was a bit of a shock.

How did that happen?

A removal truck came one night and she left.

It was very sudden, yes, quite a shock.

How was your relationship with Maddy?

Well, it was fine. Well, I thought it was fine.

Yes, I thought we were a very good team.

Do you have a healthy sexual relationship?

Very healthy, I thought.

Any abnormal sexual practices?

No.

- Nothing at all? - No.

- Any sexual violence? - No, certainly not.

Very well, we'll take your word for it.

So, tell me, how do you feel about losing Maddy?

Heartbroken. It was a big shock.

And I've had these dreams, these awful depressing dreams.

- Dreams? - Yes, but now I see it's all for the best.

I've already explained this to Hilary.

I think that we've all got to change at certain times.

But if your life is like an apple cake,

when it should be like a Kunzle cake, I think you're in trouble.

I think you've got to find the right flavour.

Now, Maddy and I, we were like a chocolate mousse.

We were really terrific chocolate mousse, but you can't live on chocolate mousse.

No, you need other things.

So, I do miss her, though.

She was wonderful.

We were some chocolate mousse.

I wonder if you've ever done any sailing, Mr Bird.

No.

I have a little illustration that might be of some comfort.

It goes back to my days in the Navy.

They used to move us medicos around a great deal, ship to ship,

and they had this contraption called a breeches buoy...

...and sometimes you could find yourself out there on the ocean...

Hanging on a piece of rope.

There's nothing else around you but the angry waters

and you're stuck between here and there. Oh, yes, I know, I know. You're right.

How did you know that? That's my story.

- I'm sorry. - It's my story.

It really happened to me. Where did you hear it?

I don't remember. Maybe I read it in a book.

No, you didn't. I haven't written the book yet.

- I'm sorry. - This is very upsetting.

It really happened, you know. It really happened.

I've got to warn the bunnies tonight.

I think the McCools could be onto them.

Listen. What about Maddy?

It's only been four days now.

I think you should take a little bit longer than that to get over her,

after all she meant to you.

I don't think you're being fair.

Don't worry. I'm still miserable. I'll be miserable for ages, I know.

But I can see the way forward now, the ship on the horizon.

- Hello, Miss Wilson. - Hello, Doctor.

- How are you? - Fine, Doctor. Just a bit stiff.

Well, I'll tell Sister you can have a real bath today, then.

Thank you.

I've brought someone to meet you. It's Dicky Bird from the radio.

A friend of mine.

Very pleased to meet you, Dicky. This is a real treat.

I listen to you every morning here.

I'm always awake first, and they don't bring breakfast till half past seven.

Well, thank you very much.

I wish you did Saturday and Sunday too.

They've got that other noisy clown on then.

- Aye, Rufus. - I don't like him.

I don't like him much either.

We'll have to go just now.

Bye, Doctor. Cheerio, Dicky.

You make an old lady smile every morning.

Cheery-bye.

- How long has she been in for? - A couple of months.

No, she's okay. She's got you.

Well, anyway, you've obviously got a great deal to do

and you shouldn't really be here unless you're sick.

- You're not sick, are you? - No.

Well, not really.

Well, I'll be seeing you, Colin.

- Keep on taking the alcohol. - Check.

'Hello, folks!'

Trevor. I'm glad you're here.

- Did you get my message? - What was that?

McCool got ahold of your ice cream. He reckons that he can track you down.

I don't think he'll get too far. You see, it's his own recipe.

- 'Hello, folks!' - McCool's my father.

I don't get it. What are you playing at? You're all crackers.

Nothing like a family feud, Dicky, is there?

Crazy people. You're all crazy people!

You brought them here. You bastard.

You're a dead man, Dicky Bird. You are a dead man!

Come on!

Cheerio, folks!

Bastard! Bastard!

You bastard!

Gonna have you!

I'll have you, you bastard!

Andiamo!

They used me. They all used me.

They could've picked up the telephone if they'd wanted to talk to each other.

And the girl, all along, it turns out that she's McCool's daughter.

- Do you want some eggs, Alan? - Eh? No, thanks, Colin. No, thanks.

All the best fights happen inside families.

Yeah, that's what Trevor said, shortly before he demolished my car.

I just don't see any hope for the world.

If people want to damage each other over ice cream, we're doomed.

I don't know. I think ice cream's quite important.

- Isn't it, girls? - Yes.

Did you pay the milk this morning?

- No, you paid him two weeks last week. - I wasn't here last week, love.

Colin, you said you were going to.

I told you.

Look, I hadn't got any cash to pay him this morning.

Are you remembering that Lilly's got to be at her party at two o'clock?

- Can you take her? - Well, if I'm back, love, okay?

- She's got two brothers, this girl? - Yes, yeah.

Well, that explains her rebellion, anyway.

Well, that's what got McCool really angry,

his daughter mixed up with a fish-and-chip family.

He's mortified.

- Ice cream and chips. - Aye.

No, it couldn't work.

You said you'd get me a request today, Dicky.

Goodness, so I did, Lilly. I'm sorry. Don't worry. I'll fix it.

I'll go into the station right after I've had my breakfast,

and, Rufus, he'll let me on for a minute or two.

You watch out for the ice-cream men, okay?

Aye, but I've got to do something about them.

They're all so angry, they can't think straight.

Let me into the studio, Rufus, just for one minute,

to say hello to a kiddie and an old lady that's in hospital, that's all.

I'm sorry, Alan. I'd have to clear it with Hilary first.

I don't know what happened between you two yesterday. I'd have to clear it.

You're a shit, Rufus.

I let you onto my show on Mother's Day, do you remember?

Just because you hadn't phoned her for three weeks.

Just give me the names and I'll take care of it, okay?

Okay. Right, thank you.

Well, this is to Andrew from Lilly, but don't mention her name.

And to a Miss Wilson in the Western Infirmary.

Just lots of love from me, okay? Thanks.

- Which ward? - I don't know which ward.

I'll play them something nice, Alan. No sweat, no sweat.

No heavy metal, please.

Well, after all that exercise,

let's all sit down and think about a nice fattening pudding.

And here's Katie Pollock with today's recipe.

It sounds delicious. Banana fritters.

'Hello, everyone.

'The Chinese are the acknowledged masters in the art of fritter-making.

'Everything from the humble apple and pineapple fritters

'to the rare and exotic and difficult ice-cream fritter.

'But today we'll concentrate on the easy-to-make banana fritter,

'a very delicious hot sweet

'that'll make a change from leftover Christmas pudding.'

- She said ice-cream fritters. - Sorry, Alan?

Katie Pollock. She said ice-cream fritters.

Yeah, that's right, like baked Alaska.

- How do you make them? - Ask Katie Pollock.

But, I mean, well, is she a real person?

I don't know if she's a real person, but she's Hilary Sandeman's wife.

'...baking the banana before frittering, but I don't hold with that.

'I think it's worth the extra effort...'

Yeah, Hilary, much better. Yeah, I feel fine.

Yeah, I think everything's going to work out fine. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the angry scenes are subsiding. Yeah.

No, I really phoned about something else, Hilary. Yes.

I wanted to speak to Heather.

Do you know, I never realised that she was Katie Pollock?

Well, I wanted to ask her for a recipe.

Just a recipe.

No, I'm fine, honestly. I'm fine, I'm cool. Everything's cool.

Yeah, good shape, good shape. But I do need a recipe from Katie.

I mean Heather, and it's quite urgent.

Look, I swear to you, Hilary, I'm on top of the world.

Yes, but it's a specific recipe.

- Trevor wants to see you. - No, pal. No, you've got it wrong.

No, I want to see Trevor.

And just one other thing.

From now on, if anybody hits this car, it'll be me and nobody else. Get in.

So, it's gone about as far as it can go, eh?

Yeah.

What does honour demand now? Hara-kiri?

Listen, I just wanted to tell you, I don't blame you for anything that's happened.

Thank you!

Now, you and I are going to see Mr McCool.

I've got something to say to both of you. Fix it.

- How? - Phone the bastard.

Or would you rather send a war party?

What do I say?

Just tell him that I want to talk to him, that's all. He'll turn up.

'Hello, folks!'

He's a weird old bugger, picking a place like this.

What did he say on the telephone?

He said they do a nice lemon-meringue pie here.

What's the joke?

- Hello, Trevor. - Hello, Uncle Luigi.

- How's your mother? - She's very well, thanks.

Good, good. Have a sweetie.

Can we get down to business, Mr Bird, please?

- You're Trevor's uncle? - That's right.

All the best families fight. You know that, Mr Bird.

Yes, I've heard that one a lot this week.

Only, I'm not family, and neither is my car,

and neither are any of all those freedom-loving independent operators

that you care about so deeply, Trevor.

Now, I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up,

to me, to all those people that you've duped into believing in you,

and to yourselves.

You're going to work together on this, a joint venture.

What is it?

Ice-cream fritters.

Alan, you must be mad. Matto!

You can't afford to laugh. You're going to annihilate one another.

Now, this way, you pool your resources.

Your ice cream. Your deep-fry shops. Your trucks.

You share a new product. 600 million Chinese can't be wrong.

600 million Chinese!

Here's the secret bit.

And we create...

a commodity...

which we sell at extreme profit to ourselves.

Perfect?

Hot and then it's cold.

It's very interesting.

It's bitter. It's sweet.

Syrup. It needs syrup.

But the syrup will be extra, on the side.

Five, even ten pence a portion.

I know, 30, 40 pence a fritter. More maybe.

More, definitely more. It's a luxury item. It needs a royal name.

- King Fritter. - That's too obvious.

Right, we've got to precook, freeze-pack,

- and microwave at point of sale. - Yeah.

Hot ice cream, year-round sales,

summer and winter - it's a miracle.

It's a miracle!

Slow down. You haven't said if you liked it yet. Do you like it?

- It's a winner, Dicky. - Well done, Dicky.

50-50 on the whole thing, Trevor. Manufacture and sales.

Paolo and I can handle the syrups.

- Yeah. - Maybe five or six flavours.

Flavours! Good boy, Bruno, good boy. You've got the syrups.

Slow down, slow down, slow down.

Look, if you're talking business, you ought to be talking to me.

Don't you worry, Dicky. We need a big campaign behind this one.

We are revolutionising the market. You can do the voiceovers.

No, you boys can run the show. That's fine.

But I'm in for what?

30 per cent off the top?

Yeah, you could call that a consideration

for having thought up the whole damned idea in the first place.

And just in case you get any fancy ideas,

you won't find this in any cookery book.

This is the batter adhesive agent.

Without this, you get a sticky, gooey mess.

The Chinese don't tell everybody about this one.

So, why don't we just visit a lawyer first thing Monday morning

and make this wonderful friendship legal?

And just one other further item of mutual company expenditure.

My car gets a new roof. okay?

Yeah, sure, Dicky.

Okay, Dicky. Va bene.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We need something short and sweet, right? Bunnyfrits.

No, McCool Bunny Fritters.

Well, it's four o'clock on this lovely peaceful Christmas afternoon,

and this is Dicky Bird here, being a very happy Christmas worm.

You know, I got really sentimental after the morning show today

and I thought about poor old Steve Kelly having to come in here,

spend the afternoon away from his lovely wife and happy kids,

so bachelor boy Dicky volunteered and here I am.

You know, I must be crackers. Matto. Crazy.

But to tell you the truth, we are having a pretty good time in Metrosound today.

There's definitely a party atmosphere.

We've got the food, we've got the goodies, and the odd drink or two,

so don't you feel too sorry for us.

And anyway, Hilary Sandeman has promised all us Christmas workers

an extra four weeks' holiday in the Caribbean

as a means of compensation, so that can't be at all bad.

What an awfully nice boss Hilary is!

So, I hope that you'll stay with us and let us join your party

or, if you haven't got a party of your own, you come and join ours.

So, cheers, everybody, in this great, big, weird and wonderful city of ours,

and, listen, folks, I'm not gonna tell you what the time is today,

or tell you what the traffic is doing,

or tell you what's happening with the weather.

No, we're gonna have a day away from all that.

I'm just gonna sit back, play you some very nice music, talk my head off,

and tell you some of the worst jokes that you're ever likely to repeat.

So, in the meantime, here's a little bit of music,

while I tuck into my Christmas pud.

Merry Christmas, everybody. God bless us, everyone.

'Hello, folks, this is Dicky Bird

'and I'm here to tell you that winter will never be the same again.

'From this Monday, exclusively from all Mr McCool and Mr Bunny outlets,

'you'll be able to enjoy the new taste sensation, Frostihots,

'a smooth and creamy ice cream wrapped in delicious hot batter

'and smothered in your favourite fruity syrup.

'And guess what? I invented it.

'Yes, I tell you that once my Frostihots reach the Eskimos,

'they won't need igloos any more.

'But right now, Frostihots are for you.

'So, stop a Bunny or McCool van.

'Ice cream will never be the same again.'

'Sorry, Alan. We'd like to go again.'