Original subtitles

Have you noticed that every little place you go into lately

has that tip jar on the counter?

What is the service that this tip is for, anyway?

I mean, isn't the man

basically just turning around?

Isn't that really all it is?

I think we're tipping people now

just for the absence

of outright hostility.

"Thanks very much, and here's

"a little something extra

"for not taking my head

"and smashing my face through the glass countertop.

Really good service here."

[♪]

GEORGE: Well, currently the, uh,

doors on the bathroom stalls here at the stadium

don't offer much by way of privacy.

But I was thinking, if we extend the doors

all the way down to the floor--

Are you out of your mind? You'd suffocate in there.

You're lucky you have doors at all.

When I was in the Army-- Hey, Costanza,

what is that you're eating over there? Looks tasty.

I-it's a calzone, sir.

Calzone, huh? Yeah? Let's see it.

Pass that on down. Let's get a look.

Big Stein wants a little taste. Come on.

Pass it down there. That's a good boy.

Okay, let's ta-- Hey, what's in this thing?

Okay, let's ta-- Hey, what's in this thing?

Uh, cheese, pepperoni,

uh, eggplant.

Eggplant, huh? Mm, that's a hell of a thing.

All right. Back to business. Here you go.

Very good. Very good. Excellent.

Excellent little calzone you got there, Costanza.

Okay. I'm a little jealous. All right. Here we go.

[SPEAKING QUICKLY] Like I told you last week,

the renovation of the press box is taking too long.

Oh, you know, that eggplant was very good.

Very good. Everybody out. I got eggplant on my mind.

Costanza...go get me a couple calzones right now.

Pronto. Move it out.

Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone.

He must have one.

Everybody out. Hurry up, hurry up.

Everybody out. Hurry up, hurry up.

JERRY: So who are you having dinner with?

Oh, one of these fabric wholesalers.

This guy, Todd Gack.

I won a bet from him.

Yeah, what bet?

He bet me that Dustin Hoffman

was in Star Wars.

Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

Yeah.

Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader?

I don't think so.

Yeah, that's what I said.

So the bet was the loser

has to buy dinner?

Yeah.

Huh.

Huh.

What? No, nothing.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sss.

What's with you? Feel this.

Wow, that's hot. It is, piping hot.

It's fresh out of the dryer.

Here, Elaine... you gotta feel my pants.

I'll see you later.

Oh. All right.

You don't know what you're missing.

I'm loving this.

I am never putting on another piece of clothing

unless it's straight out of the dryer.

So every time you get dressed now,

you'll use the basement dryer?

you'll use the basement dryer?

Oh, yeah. It's a warm

and wonderful feeling, Jerry.

So, uh, what are you doing later?

I got a date with Nicki.

Oh, yeah. She's a beauty.

Oh, yeah. She's also quite bold.

Mm. Bold and beautiful.

STEINBRENNER: Ah. This calzone is fantastic.

And, look, the pita pocket prevents it from dripping.

The pita pocket.

[RINGS]

Yeah, what is it, Watson?

A lost and found, huh?

No, I don't think we need that.

If people can't hold onto things, tough luck.

You got a little junk on your lip, by the way.

You know, a lost and found could be a good idea.

You know, a lost and found could be a good idea.

Hold it, Watson.

You like a lost and found, George?

Definitely. Hm.

All right. A lost and found.

But there's gotta be a time limit.

We're not running a pawn shop here.

Hey, Elaine.

Jerry. Hi.

This is Nicki. Hi.

Hello. This is Todd Gack.

Oh, of course. Todd Gack.

Who did you bet was in Star Wars?

Sammy Davis, Jr.?

[LAUGHING]

So, what movie are you guys gonna see?

Means to an End.

Means to an End.

Oh, we were gonna see that, too, but it's sold out.

So we're gonna see Blame It on the Rain.

Why don't you see what you can do.

Okay.

What's she gonna do?

They don't have anymore tickets.

[QUIETLY] We'll see.

Hey, Jerry, you like cigars?

Yeah, why?

I'm going up to Montreal tomorrow.

They sell Cubans there dirt-cheap.

Hey, that's a nice idea for George's wedding.

So should I get you a box?

Sure, if they're cheap, why not?

All right, I'll buy them and get them to Elaine.

Okay. Two tickets. Means to an End.

Okay. Two tickets. Means to an End.

Told ya.

How'd you do that?

I just talked to the manager.

All right, enjoy...

Blame It on the Rain?

Nice meeting you.

[♪]

GEORGE: So they're putting in a lost and found because of me.

I mean, there's a time limit, but still.

They're really building a utopian society up there.

And you attribute all this to the calzone?

Yeah.

I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked.

I'm like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked.

I'm having lunch at his desk every day this week,

just him and me.

He doesn't make a move without me.

It's very exciting.

Boy, with you two guys at the helm,

the last piece of the puzzle's in place.

Yeah.

So let me ask you a question about the, uh-- The tip cup.

'Cause I had a little thing

with the calzone guy there this week.

I go to drop a buck in the tip jar,

and just as I'm about to drop it in,

he looks the other way.

So then, as I'm leaving, he gives me a look like:

"Thanks for nothin'."

You got no credit. Exactly.

You got no credit. Exactly.

It's like I'm throwing a buck away.

I mean, if they don't notice it, what's the point?

So you don't make a habit of giving to the blind?

Not bills.

So George, remember I was telling you

how Nicki always gets whatever she wants?

We're at the movies last night. It's sold out.

Nicki goes and talks to the manager. Right in.

Beautiful women. You know, they get away with murder.

You never see one of 'em lift anything over three pounds.

You never see one of 'em lift anything over three pounds.

They do what they want, whenever they want.

Nobody can stop 'em.

She's like a beautiful Godzilla.

And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese.

[♪]

Hey.

What the hell is all this?

It's my change.

I need quarters for the dryer.

Why can't you do this on your table?

Because I don't have a table.

Because I don't have a table.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, so how was, uh, Blame It on the Rain?

Hey, thanks for getting us tickets too.

Oh!

Elaine, let me ask you a question.

Was the movie part of the bet?

No, we were both in the mood for one.

You know, Elaine...

it's not my way to intrude

on the personal lives of close friends--

on the personal lives of close friends--

Oh, is that so? Absolutely.

--but I feel I must inform you that what happened last night

was more than a simple bet.

What? What are you talkin' about? Come on.

Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

He made a bet he knew he was gonna lose

just to take you to dinner.

Oh, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, if he wanted to ask me out,

why didn't he just ask me?

If he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't get rejected.

He's found a dating loophole.

I don't buy it.

So, what happened after the movie?

Nothing. He walked me home.

To the door?

Yeah.

That's a date.

No, it's not.

But I never walk you home.

That's just because you're a jackass.

Ha! I found a quarter. Okay.

Anybody want their clothes heated up?

No, no, no, thanks.

So how'd you leave it with him?

I'm supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars.

That's another loophole.

That's another loophole.

That's two dates without asking you out.

You're crazy.

Crazy like a man.

[♪]

VENDOR: Number 49.

You know, uh, my last name is Costanza.

That's Italian.

So you and I are kind of like countrymen. Paisanos.

Six fifty your change. Ah, yes.

And I always take care of my paisanos,

so here's a little something--

Antonio!

[YELLING IN ITALIAN]

Hey, hey, you steal my money?

Hey, hey, you steal my money?

No, you don't understand. I wasn't taking it out.

I know what you tried to do. Now, get out of here.

Don't come back again, ever.

Or I break your head open like a--!

Oh, my God.

GEORGE: I got the calzones, Mr. Steinbrenner.

Oh, beautiful. I'm starving, George.

So I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corned beef.

Corned beef? Meh, I don't think so.

It's a little fatty, don't you think?

How 'bout Chinese? Chinese?

No. Too many containers. Big mess. Big mess, very sloppy.

We're gonna stick with the calzones from Paisano's.

We're gonna stick with the calzones from Paisano's.

That's the ticket.

I just thought it'd be nice, a little variety.

Mm, mm, mm, no, no, no.

Let me tell you something: when I find something I like, I stick with it.

From 1973 to 1982, I ate the exact same lunch every day.

Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread.

Bread bowl. You'd eat the chili. Then you'd eat the bowl.

Nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch

and seeing just a table.

[♪]

So thanks for dinner.

Well, I had to give you these cigars, right?

And since we were both hungry.

Hey, Todd... let me ask you a question.

Hey, Todd... let me ask you a question.

Um...

Was this whole bet thing just a way of asking me out?

What?

I mean, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?

[LAUGHING] Come on.

Elaine, that was a legitimate bet.

I lost, so I bought you dinner.

Oh. All right. Well, good night.

Yeah.

Hey, if you're not doing anything Saturday night,

you wanna meet somewhere?

See, now, what is that?

See, now, what is that?

Is that a date?

Why? Why can't two people just go and do something

without it being a date?

All right, all right. I'm sorry.

It's-- It's not a date.

No way.

So I'll see you Saturday?

All right.

Pick you up at 8.

[♪]

[THUMPING, POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

You know what the posted speed limit is on this road?

You know what the posted speed limit is on this road?

Gotta be 55.

That's right, it is.

You know how fast you were going?

[CHUCKLING] A lot faster than that.

Step out of the car, sir.

Okey-doke.

Can I have your license and registration, please?

Absolutely. Nicki?

Yeah? Would you mind bringing

the officer the registration?

Not at all.

I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour.

Huh.

You must have got me when I slowed down to take that curve

You must have got me when I slowed down to take that curve

because for a while there, I was doing well over 100.

Officer.

Hi.

Do you really have to give us a ticket?

All right, Nick. Let's hit it.

[♪]

Hey, buddy.

I'm waiting for my shirt.

You got your shirt in my oven?

Well, I didn't have enough quarters for the dryer,

but this is better, anyway. And it's more convenient.

but this is better, anyway. And it's more convenient.

Oh, for both of us.

And I have a lot more control.

I got a shirt going for 10 minutes at 325.

What's wrong with your oven?

I'm baking a pie.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah? GEORGE: Yeah.

Come on up. What, you got cigars?

Yeah, I got some Cubans for George's wedding.

It was more than I wanted to spend, but what the hell.

Oh, baby, yeah.

Jeez!

What are these?

"Producto de Peru."

"Producto de Peru."

Jerry, if you think those are Cubans,

you got another think coming. Peru?

I paid 300 bucks for these.

I could have got a house in Peru for 300 bucks.

You got rooked, buddy.

I gotta pay this Todd Gack guy 300 bucks

just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again

without asking her out?

That's a nice name: Todd Gack.

What is that, Dutch? [OVEN DINGS]

Oh, baby, here we go.

Wow, wow, wow.

Oh, mama.

Oh, mama.

Be right back.

Hey, George, hey. Yeah.

Well, this is really bad now.

I really am in a bad situation now.

So, what's Steinbrenner gonna do if he doesn't get his calzone?

What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point.

Nobody knows what this guy is capable of.

He fires people like it's a bodily function.

Why don't you get somebody else from the office

to go to Paisano's?

Because before you know it, he's having lunch with him.

Because before you know it, he's having lunch with him.

You know how interoffice politics work.

No, I never had a job.

I decided to go with the brown ones.

What the hell is this?

Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.

There's gotta be some way to get back into Paisano's.

Oh, Paisano's.

That's that place by the stadium, isn't it?

Yeah, you've heard of it?

Newman raves about it.

It's on his mail route. He stops by there every day.

I'll see you guys later.

What kind of pie you cooking?

What kind of pie you cooking?

Huckleberry.

[♪]

Well, you certainly are in a bind.

Yeah, and I thought since you go by there every day,

maybe we could help each other out.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Let me be perfectly blunt.

I don't care for you, Costanza.

You hang out on the west side of the building

with Seinfeld all day,

just laughing it up, wasting your lives.

just laughing it up, wasting your lives.

You gonna help me or not?

All right. All right. I'll help you.

I will help you.

But I will expect something in return.

What? Well, for starters,

I want a calzone of my own.

All right.

And a slice of pepperoni pizza.

And a large soda.

And three times a week, I shall require a cannoli.

A bit steep, don't you think?

You know, I hear that Mr. Steinbrenner

can be a bit erratic.

I'd hate to see him when he's hungry.

I'd hate to see him when he's hungry.

All right! All right!

Do we have a deal?

Just make sure you get them to me by 1:00.

He's very regimented about his meals.

I know exactly how he feels.

Well, nice doing business with you.

Do come again.

[LAUGHS MENACINGLY]

Ow!

[♪]

Oh, this is nice.

Hi.

Gack, party of four.

Gack, party of four.

Party of four? Who are we meeting?

Mom, Dad.

This is Elaine.

Hello.

[CHUCKLES] Hello.

[♪]

ELAINE: It was, uh, nice meeting you.

[CHUCKLES] Bye, Ma.

She's wonderful.

What the hell was that?

What?

Why did you introduce me to your parents?

They're nice people. I thought you'd like them.

Come on, Todd. Admit it. This is a date.

Why is this a date?

Saturday night with your parents?

Saturday night with your parents?

I mean, unless I'm your sister, this is a date.

Elaine, I don't understand why you can't meet someone's parents

without classifying it as a date.

Well, if it's not a date, then what is it?

It's a lovely evening together.

I don't believe this.

I'm gonna get a cab. You wanna join me?

Nah, it's okay. I'll just walk home.

All right. Well, good night.

Now, what is that?

[♪]

[NEWMAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

[NEWMAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ I'm singing in the-- ♪

Hello.

What's this?

Well, I was dropping off the calzone money for the week. Um...

Shouldn't you be at work by now?

Work?

It's raining.

So...?

I called in sick.

I don't work in the rain.

You don't work in the rain?

You don't work in the rain?

You're a mailman.

"Neither rain nor sleet nor--"

It's the first one!

I was never that big on creeds.

You're supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal.

I believe the deal was that I get your calzones on my route.

Well, today I won't be going on my route, will I?

Perhaps tomorrow.

But I'm paying you!

Yes, thank you.

Newman!

[♪]

Peru?

I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba.

I did.

Well, if these aren't what you wanted, why pay him?

Well, what could I do?

Unless...

you paid him a visit.

Okay.

Kramer?

Hey, you. Hey.

I need you to do me a favor. Get me lunch at Paisano's.

Wait, what happened to Newman?

Wait, what happened to Newman?

He called in sick.

Oh, right. Yeah, it's rainin'.

Listen, can you do it?

Well, what time you want it?

One o'clock. You-- You need some money?

No, no, I got eight tons of change.

I gotta unload it.

All right.

[RATTLING]

Hey, hold that bus!

Hey!

[♪]

Hey, buddy.

It's really wet out there, huh?

What can I get you?

Yeah, I hear you make a mean "calazon."

Calzone. Yeah, calzone, yeah.

The best.

All right. Well, uh, lay 'em on me.

I'll have three of them.

Three calzone.

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, that's a...

Boy, that's a...

That's a big oven, huh?

Hey, listen, uh...

I wonder if you could do me a favor, huh?

[♪]

Hey, Todd.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi.

You know Nicki, right? Hi.

Hi, yeah, sure.

Wait, Elaine'll settle this.

Elaine, what does the M stand for in Richard M. Nixon?

Milhous.

I told you so. He said it was Moe.

I told you so. He said it was Moe.

[LAUGHS]

You owe me a dinner.

[♪]

All right. Your order's ready.

Three calzones...

and one hot shirt and jacket.

Ow! Jeez.

This is all burned up. Look at this.

What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt, huh?

Seven fifty for calzones.

Burned up. I don't know.

Burned up. I don't know.

What the hell is this? Pennies?

Yeah.

You're paying in change?

That's all I got.

No, you've got to have bills, paper money.

You can't pay with this. That's all I got.

Then you got no calzones.

Wait a minute! Wait!

[YELLING IN ITALIAN] [BABBLING]

[♪]

What happened to you? Where are the calzones?

He wouldn't give them to me

because I wanted to pay in change.

What the hell happened to your shirt?

He overcooked it.

It's all ruined.

Your clothes smell just like Paisano's.

There's another Italian place right over on Jerome.

Maybe I can fool him.

You want me to say it again? I'll say it again.

I haven't had a pimple since I was 18,

and I don't care if you believe me or not.

And how's this? You're fired.

Okay, you're not. I'm just a little hungry. I'm sorry.

It's Costanza. Where's my calzone?

It's 1:15. He's late.

[SNIFFING]

Wait a second. I gotta call you back.

That smell. I know that smell.

He's in the building. Costanza is in the building.

And he's not in this office.

He's got the calzone! Costanza!

He's got the calzone! Costanza!

I catch you, I'm killing you, Costanza!

[♪]

[COUGHING]

Stupid cigars.

You know, if I didn't send Nicki over to Todd with these things,

they never would have gotten together.

These are terrible.

It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.

What kind of a name is Todd Gack, anyway?

I think it's Dutch.

I gotta get goin'.

Where are you goin'?

I, uh, promised Nicki I'd walk her dog for her.

But she dumped you.

I know, I know.

But somehow she explained it to me, I couldn't say no.

Smells like a rubber fire.

What's that?

I said "rubber fire."

Ah-ha.

Did you end up paying Todd for these things?

Actually, it's being taken care of right now.

[♪]

[♪]

Hey, you Gack?

Yeah.

Yeah, here's your money.

[♪]

What did he do with it? It's gotta be here somewhere.

I'm not crazy. I can smell it.

[SNIFFS]

These clothes.

Hey, Costanza, how come these clothes smell like calzones?

My friend put them in the pizza oven.

Put them in a pizza oven? What for?

To heat them up.

That is not a bad idea.

What about this?

We'll put all the uniforms

in big pizza ovens before the game.

That's fantastic.

Keep those muscles loosey-goosey.

This could be big. Clean up this mess, will ya?

This could be big. Clean up this mess, will ya?

Big Stein's onto something.

I smell a pennant!