Original subtitles

People can be so vain, don't you know?

I have a friend who wears eyeglasses,

no prescription in the glasses,

because he thinks he looks more intelligent.

Now, why?

Why do we think

that glasses makes us look more intelligent?

Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying

and researching that this person supposedly

blew out their eyeballs?

And that's why they need the glasses?

It's just a corrective device.

If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don't think,

"Oh, they must have been listening real good...

yeah, to a lot of important stuff."

yeah, to a lot of important stuff."

No, they are deaf.

They can't hear.

[♪]

Hey, boys and girls.

Hey.

I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS Walk.

Isn't that tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah. So...get-- Get.

Well, I admire you for joining

the fight against AIDS. KRAMER: Yeah, well,

if I didn't do somethin',

I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

It's hard enough livin' next door.

But I tell ya, there's some people, they just wear a ribbon,

and think they're somethin'. Mm.

Not me. I talk the talk, and I walk the walk, baby.

Yeah, I'm gonna be right back.

Yeah, I'm gonna be right back.

New jeans?

Yeah. Hah.

Still a 31 waist?

Yep, since college.

Hm.

Hey, Lena Small's on this list.

Lena Small?

Yeah, she's a girl I was gonna call for a date.

She was unlisted, and now here's her number.

Oh, you are not gonna cop a girl's phone number

off an AIDS charity list?

Elaine, you should admire me.

I'm aspiring to date a giving person.

I'm aspiring to date a giving person.

But you're a taking person.

That's why I should date a giving person.

If I date a taking person,

everyone's taking, taking, taking.

No one's giving. It's bedlam.

She's gonna ask how you got her number.

Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her,

and he gave it to me.

Oh, what's he look like?

I really didn't pay much attention.

I had just come from buying a speedboat.

You're buying a speedboat?

See we're already off the subject

of how I got the number. [LAUGHS]

All I gotta do is get past the first phone call,

and I'm home free.

I don't know about that.

So if Billy had got your number

off the AIDS Walk list,

off the AIDS Walk list,

you wouldn't have gone out with him?

Well... Yeah.

So you really like this guy?

Very much.

Yeah.

How's the sexual chemistry?

Haven't been in the lab yet.

But I am birth control shopping today.

Are you still on the pill?

Oh, Kramer--

No, I'll tell ya, I think birth control

should be discussed in an open forum.

The Sponge.

KRAMER: The Sponge.

Okay?

The Today Sponge.

Yeah, but wasn't that taken off the market?

Off the market? The Sponge?

Off the market? The Sponge?

No, no. No way.

Everybody loves the Sponge.

Well, I read it in Wall Street Week.

Louis, uh, Rukeyser.

[CHUCKLES]

JERRY: Hello, Lena?

Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

How did I get your number?

I met a guy that knows you. He gave it to me.

I don't remember his name.

I think it began with a W. Maybe a Q.

I wasn't paying that much attention.

I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat.

[♪]

[♪]

You know, I really liked those new jeans Jerry was wearing.

He's really thin.

Not as thin as you think.

Why? He's a 31.

I saw the tag on the back.

The tag, huh?

Mm-hm.

Let me tell you somethin' about that tag.

It's no 31, and, uh,

let's just leave it at that.

Why, what are you talking about?

He scratches off a 32, and he puts in 31.

He scratches off a 32, and he puts in 31.

What?

Oh, how could he be so vain?

Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld

that only I know.

I can't believe I just told you that.

[CHUCKLING] Why not?

Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.

Well, it's all right. I'm your fiancée.

Everybody assumes you'll tell me everything.

Where did you get that one from?

Well, we're a couple.

It's understood.

I never heard of that.

Well, you've never been a couple.

I've coupled. I've coupled.

Keeping secrets.

Keeping secrets.

This is just like your secret bank code.

This is totally different.

That was my secret. This is Jerry's secret.

There's-- There's attorney-client privileges here.

Well, if I play it by your rule,

I-I-I-- No one will ever confide in me again.

I'll be cut out of the loop.

[♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey. Hey.

What's the matter?

Had a fight with Susan.

What about?

Oh--

Clothing, something, I don't know.

So, uh, what are you doin' tonight?

So, uh, what are you doin' tonight?

I got a date with that girl, Lena.

Lena? How'd you meet her?

I actually, uh, met her a few weeks ago, uh, but...

So Jerry got Lena's unlisted number

from Kramer's AIDS Walk list.

Monica? Jerry got Lena's unlisted number

off of an AIDS Walk list.

He got her number off an AIDS Walk list?

You met her a few weeks ago, but...?

I didn't call her till today.

I didn't call her till today.

So, uh, wanna double?

What?

Well, you know, I just had a fight.

I need a group dynamic.

I don't know.

Hey. Hey.

Well, Kramer was right.

My friend Kim told me the Sponge is off the market.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna do a hard target search of every drugstore,

general store, health store, grocery store

in a 25-block radius.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Just for these Sponges?

Just for these Sponges?

Hey, man, women are really loyal to their birth-control methods.

What does Susan use?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I, uh...

figure it's somethin'.

[PANTING]

Wh-what are you all out of breath from?

The elevator just broke.

[SIGHS]

I had to walk up five flights.

And you got the AIDS Walk tomorrow.

Y-you're never gonna make it.

Y-you're never gonna make it.

You're in horrible shape.

Hey, I'm in tiptop shape.

Tiptop?

Better than you.

I got a 31 waist, mister.

Yeah, well, I'm walkin' for charity.

What are you doin'?

What am I doin'?

I'm...datin' a woman

who happens to be sponsoring one of these walkers.

[♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

PHARMACIST: Can I help you?

Yeah, do you have any Today Sponges?

I know they're off the market, but I was ju--

Actually, we have a case left.

A case?

A case of Sponges?

I-I--

I mean, a case.

Hah.

Uh...

H-how--? How many come in a case?

Sixty.

Sixty?

Sixty?

Um...

Well, I'll take three.

Three. Yeah.

Well, make it 10.

Ten?

Twenty Sponges should be plenty.

Did you say 20?

Yeah, 25 Sponges is just fine.

Twenty-five? Yeah.

You're set with 25?

Yeah, yeah.

Just give me the case. I'll be on my way.

[♪]

Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent.

Lena, smell my shirt.

Lena, smell my shirt.

Mm, very nice.

It's All TempaCheer.

I use Planet.

It's biodegradable,

and it doesn't pollute the oceans.

Yeah, the oceans are really gettin' very sudsy.

[CHUCKLES]

Can you wrap up all the leftovers on the table, please?

I always take the leftovers.

I work in a soup kitchen every morning at 6 a.m.

Mm.

They serve soup at 6 a.m.?

Yeah.

That's all they have.

Do the bums ever complain?

Do the bums ever complain?

"Soup again?"

I'd get tired of it.

How could you not?

Guess who volunteered last week?

Mick Jagger.

LENA: No.

Maya Angelou.

Oh, the poet.

So let me ask ya something.

These people eat soup three times a day?

I don't know.

Did you get to talk to her?

Talk to who?

Is it a lot of cream soups?

Maya Angelou, the poet.

No, I didn't get the chance.

SUSAN & GEORGE: Oh.

Wow, you know,

I'm sure you can reach her.

She's a poet, you know?

She's a poet, you know?

What does a poet need an unlisted number for?

I'm goin' to the ladies' room.

I'll go with you.

What are you lookin' at me like that for?

Why'd you have to mention "unlisted number"?

What are you talkin' about? All right,

I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan.

[♪]

SUSAN: Jerry got

her phone number off of an AIDS Walk list?

Oh, that's awful.

I know. But don't say anything to anyone.

He told me not to tell you.

But you told me, anyway?

But you told me, anyway?

Well, you know, I was thinkin' about what you said before,

and you're right. I've never really been a couple,

so if that's the rule, I'm-- I'm gonna go by the rule.

Thank you, honey.

So you want to go home and... make up officially?

[CHUCKLES]

Can we stop by a drugstore first?

What for?

Oh, I'm out of birth-control stuff.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Uh, where am I gonna park here?

Oh, no, don't park.

I'll just sit in the car.

You can run in.

Me run in?

Wha--? Why don't you run?

Wha--? Why don't you run?

You don't know what I use for birth control, do you?

Of course, I do.

You do? What?

You know, you use the, uh--

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

The what?

You know, the--

[COUGHS, MUMBLES]

Just get me some Sponges, please.

Wait a minute. W-wait-- Wait a minute.

They, uh, They don't have 'em anymore.

What? I just found out

they just took 'em off the market.

Off the market? The Sponge?

Yeah, so you gotta use somethin' else. I can't!

I-I love the Sponge!

I need the Sponge!

Okay.

Okay.

I think I know where we can get one.

[♪]

[KRAMER & MEN SHOUTING, LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLING] Kramer,

what the hell is going on in here?

It's a poker game.

And I'm kickin' some serious butt.

Are you out of your mind?

You know you got the AIDS Walk tomorrow?

MAN: Hey, Kramer, are you in?

Oh, you gotta be kiddin'.

You see those two ladies I got showin'?

Do they look scared?

Do they look scared?

What were you sayin'?

You're never going to make it.

[GIGGLES]

KRAMER: Let's go. Let's go.

Get 'em up. Come on.

[♪]

You, uh...

You wanna go in the bedroom?

Oh...

[GIGGLES]

Okay.

Hold on just a second.

[WHISPERS] Okay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Elaine, it's me, George.

Elaine, it's me, George.

Hey, sorry to bother you so late.

Yeah. Hey, how ya doin'?

Um, did you get any of those Sponges?

Yeah.

I cleaned out the whole West Side.

[LAUGHS]

Why?

Well, Susan.

Oh, Susan uses the Sponge.

Susan loves the Sponge, ha-ha.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry George.

I can't help ya out.

What?

I-I can't do it.

No way. There's no how.

No way. There's no how.

Wait, Elaine-- Elaine.

Let me just explain something to ya.

You see, this is-- This is not

just the weekend routine. Uh-huh.

I'm on the verge of makeup sex here.

You know about makeup sex? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

George, I know all about makeup sex,

Yeah. and I'm really sorry.

Ah, b-but, Elaine.

Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately?

Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and,

just between you and me, there--

There's really no big surprises here,

so makeup sex is all that I have left.

I'm sure you'll have another fight, George.

I'm sure you'll have another fight, George.

Ow! Ow!

Hold that thought.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

SUSAN: Oh, so listen to this.

But don't tell anyone.

Um, Jerry Seinfeld...

He got a woman's number off an AIDS Walk list.

He got a woman's number off an AIDS Walk list.

He got her number off an AIDS Walk list?

He what?

[♪]

How'd you find out?

A friend of a friend of a friend knows Susan.

[WHISPERS] George.

Pardon?

Pardon? What?

Ah, nothing. Listen, I'm sorry. I just--

It's okay.

There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind.

You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS Walk list?

No, not at all.

No problem.

[CHATTERING OUTSIDE]

See you later, okay?

See you later, okay?

Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here

with a pair of pants on.

[LAUGHS]

What do ya mean--?

You went all night? Mm.

Jerry, yeah!

Breakfast on me.

Kramer, are you out of your mind?

You got the AIDS Walk in three hours.

Oh. You're never gonna to make.

AIDS Walk. That's a cakewalk.

Hey. Hey!

So, George?

Yeah.

Guess what.

Lena found out how I got her number.

Lena found out how I got her number.

Really? How'd she do that?

A friend of a friend of Susan's.

My Susan?

Why'd you tell her?!

I had to, Jerry. It's a couple rule.

We have to tell each other everything.

You know what this means, don't ya? What?

You're cut off. You're out of the loop!

You're cut--? You're cuttin' me off?

No, no, no, Jerry, don't cut me off.

You leave me no choice.

You're the media now, far as I'm concerned.

Oh, Jerry, come on.

Please, it won't happen again.

If you were in the Mafia, would you tell her

If you were in the Mafia, would you tell her

every time you killed someone?

Hey, a hit is a totally different story.

I don't know, George.

So Lena was upset, huh?

You know what? That was the amazing thing.

What? It didn't bother her?

No, she said it was fine. Oh.

Something very strange about this girl.

What?

She's too good.

Too good.

I mean, she's giving and caring

and generally concerned about the welfare of others.

I can't be with someone like that.

I see what you mean.

I see what you mean.

I-I mean, I admire the hell out of her.

You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Where is the depravity?

No depravity.

I mean, I look at her.

I-I can't imagine she even has sex.

On the other hand...

What?

Thanks again for last night.

Hey, I didn't even use one.

Yeah.

You said it was imminent.

Yeah, it was.

But then, ugh,

I just couldn't decide

if he was really Sponge-worthy.

Sponge-worthy?

Sponge-worthy?

Yeah. Jerry,

I have to conserve these Sponges.

But you like him. Isn't that what it's for?

Yes, yes.

Before they went off the market.

But I mean, now I've gotta re-evaluate

my whole screening process.

I can't afford to waste any of 'em.

You know you're nuts with these Sponges.

George is gettin' frustrated.

[♪]

Uh, uh, Cosmo Kramer.

Uh...okay. You're checked in.

Uh...okay. You're checked in.

Yeah, thank you. Here's your AIDS ribbon.

Uh, no, thanks.

You don't wanna wear the ribbon?

Ah, no, no.

But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.

I have to?

Yes. Yeah, see,

that's why I don't want to.

But everyone wears the ribbon.

You must wear the ribbon.

You know what you are?

You are a ribbon bully.

ORGANIZER: Hey!

Hey, you! Come back here.

Come back here and put this on!

[♪]

GEORGE: Elaine and her Sponges.

She's got like a war chest full of 'em.

Well, I don't see why you can't just use condoms.

Well, I don't see why you can't just use condoms.

Oh, no, no.

No, condoms are for single men.

The day that we got engaged,

I said goodbye to the condom forever.

Oh, just once for the makeup sex.

Makeup sex?

You have to have that right after the fight.

We're way past that.

Come on, just once? No, no,

I hate the condom.

Why?

I can never get the package open in time.

Well, you just tear it open.

It's not that easy.

It's like Beat the Clock.

There's a lot of pressure there.

[♪]

[♪]

Hey, where's your ribbon?

Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.

You don't wear the ribbon?

Aren't you against AIDS?

Yeah, I'm against AIDS.

I mean, I'm walking, aren't I?

I just don't wear the ribbon.

Who do you think you are?

Put the ribbon on.

Hey, Cedric, Bob.

This guy won't wear a ribbon.

Who?

Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon?

[♪]

So you think you're Sponge-worthy?

Yes, I think I'm Sponge-worthy.

Yes, I think I'm Sponge-worthy.

I think I'm very Sponge-worthy.

Run down your case for me again. [SIGHS]

Well, we've gone out several times.

We obviously have a good rapport. Mm-hm.

Um, I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm.

I eat well.

I exercise.

Blood tests, immaculate.

Mm-hm.

And if I can speak frankly,

I'm actually quite good at it.

You gonna do something about your sideburns there?

Yeah. I told you, I-I'm-- I'm gonna--

I'm gonna trim my sideburns, yeah.

I'm gonna trim my sideburns, yeah.

And the bathroom in your apartment?

Cleaned it this morning. Uh-huh.

The sink, the tub, everything?

Everything, yeah. Uh-huh.

It's spotless.

All right, let's go. Okay.

[♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi. Hi.

Hey, look at this.

I just got a citation in the mail

for my work with shut-ins.

Oh, the shut-ins. That's nice.

You know, they're a very eccentric group...

because they're-- They're shut in.

because they're-- They're shut in.

Of course, they're not locked in,

they're free to go at any time.

Oh, by the way,

I checked at the soup kitchen.

They do have cream soups.

Hey, that's dynamite.

You know, Lena,

I wanted to talk to you about something.

You know, because you're such a good person.

Oh. That I--

Hang on to that thought.

I'm rinsing a sweater.

I left the water running. Oh.

Hey, Jerry, can you get me a towel out of my bedroom closet?

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God.

Look what's goin' on here.

She is depraved.

Hup. There you are.

Thanks.

So you were saying?

What? Nothing.

No, you said I was a good person.

Oh.

You seem like you wanna tell me something.

Tell you something.

Tell you something.

I-- I do.

What is it, Jerry?

You can tell me anything.

Oh, um,

you see these jeans I'm wearing?

Yeah?

I change the 32 waist on the label

to a 31 on all my jeans.

So, ya know...

That's it.

[♪]

SUSAN: Come on, George, just rip it open.

I'm trying, damn it.

Look, tear it. Tear it from the side.

I tried to tear it from the side.

I tried to tear it from the side.

I can't get a good grip here.

You got to do it like a bag of chips.

No, here, give it to me.

Would you wait a second? Wait a second!

Just give it to me. Give it to me.

You see? You see?

[WHISPERS] There. Got it.

Come on.

Come on!

It's too late.

[♪]

So!

What's it going to be?

Are you going to wear the ribbon?

No.

Never.

But I'm wearing the ribbon.

He's wearing the ribbon.

We're all wearing the ribbon.

We're all wearing the ribbon.

So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon?

This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't wanna!

What are we gonna do with him?

I guess we just going to have to teach him

to wear the ribbon!

[WHIMPERING]

[YELLS]

[♪]

It completely turned her off.

Well, I can see that.

Why--? What do you have to do that for?

Who cares about your pants size?

I don't wanna be a 32.

I'd kill to be a 32.

She said I wasn't Sponge-worthy.

Wouldn't waste a Sponge on me.

I wish I had one.

That condom killed me.

Why do they have to make the wrappers

on those things so hard to open?

It's probably so the woman has one last chance

to change her mind.

You never run out, do you?

Where's Kramer?

Everything's finished here.

Oh, I told him he'd never make it.

He was up all night.

Oh, my God.

Kramer?

Kramer?

[PANTING]

JERRY: Look at ya.

I told ya.

Up all night playin' poker.

Come on.

Hey, where's your AIDS ribbon?

[♪]

[♪]

Well.

Good morning. Good morning.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

How'd ya sleep?

Oh!

Great.

You?

Fine, fine.

Everything, uh, okay?

Yep.

No regrets?

Nope.

What are you doing?

Uh-- What do you mean?

Oh, I-I don't think so.

Oh, I-I don't think so.

Why not?

I-- I thought you said everything was fine.

Oh, I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of 'em.

[♪]