Original subtitles

When did tick-tack-toe become the pound sign?

That's what I'd like to know.

Why don't they call it what it really is?

"Leave your numeric message now, and then press Archie's head."

And what is that redial button?

Let's face it, you're either gonna get the person,

the machine, or they have call waiting.

Who is redialing and redialing?

This is like the harassment key for people in a fight, you know?

"Hey, I'm not through--" Click.

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"You can't do that to me--" Click.

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

"And another thing--" Click.

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]

[♪]

GEORGE: Hey, who would win a fight

between you and me?

What-- What do you mean?

Well, if you and I ever got into, like,

a really serious fight, you know,

and the punches started flying, who do you think would win?

Well, I think that's pretty obvious.

Yeah, me too.

JERRY: Hey, Elaine. Hey.

Who--? Who do you think would win a fight

between me and, uh, Gorgeous George here?

You mean a real "fight" fight?

Mano a baldo.

George.

Ah-ha!

Why?

George fights dirty.

Really? What would you do?

Pull hair, poke eyes, groin stuff,

whatever I gotta do.

Hm. So listen,

you're not doing anything tomorrow, are you?

Because I have an extra ticket

to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met.

I'm sorry.

George?

Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore

to Lincoln's funeral?

to Lincoln's funeral?

There's nobody I can go with.

[DOOR OPENS]

You know what?

I don't have one female friend left.

Oh, no, of course you don't.

You're a man's woman.

You hate other women, and they hate you.

Thank you.

So, Jerry, what time we going to the movies?

Uh, how about the 8:30?

Saddle up and ride.

Wanna get something to eat first?

[MUMBLING] No, I'm good.

I wonder if, uh, Susan...

No. I better just go.

All right, see you.

There's nothing more pathetic

than a grown man who's afraid of a woman.

Hey, why don't you ask Susan?

George's Susan?

Yeah.

Yeah. Why not Susan?

We should be friends with Susan.

Of course!

Susan! Oh!

Okay. I'll see you guys. Bye.

That's gonna be trouble.

Why?

Jerry, don't you see?

This world here, this is George's sanctuary.

If Susan comes into contact with this world,

his worlds collide.

You know what happens then?

[IMITATES ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

I tell you I'm getting a new telephone number?

How come?

Phew. Chicks, man.

Too many chicks know my number.

Hey, Jerry.

How are you, Mr. Backstroke?

How are you, Mr. Backstroke?

Kramer, this is Ramon from the new health club I joined.

You know what happened? No, what?

They fired me.

JERRY: Really?

Yeah.

Said I put too much chlorine in the pool.

Oh.

Hey, well, uh, stay out of the deep end.

Okay, see you later.

What's in the deep end?

[♪]

GEORGE: Hello?

ELAINE: Hey, George.

Hey, Laney. What's going on? Nothing.

Um, can I talk to Susan?

Yeah, right, hang on. I'll, uh-- I'll get her for you.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Seriously, what's up?

No, George, really, can I talk to Susan?

Susan? Why?

Because I want to ask her to lunch and to the Met tomorrow.

Oh, I don't think you want to do that.

Why not?

Well, what would be the point of that?

George, are you gonna put her on the phone?

Where did this come from all of a sudden?

George, are you gonna let me talk to Susan, or not?

I really think I should have been consulted about this.

Here.

Here.

Something.

Hello?

Oh, that sounds great. I love that sort of stuff.

KRAMER: You want to sit here?

JERRY: Yeah.

Uh-uh-uh-uh, over there.

Why?

The little buffer zone.

Hey, if we were in my apartment

and were watching a movie on the couch,

would we sit right next to each other?

You got a point. All right.

I can't--

I can't--

What are you doing?

Well, these seats have no lumbar.

Oh, hey, there's Ramon. Pre-- Pretend we're talking.

We are talking.

Pretend it's interesting.

Uh, so, well, then I had to kill him,

and, uh-- Well, the police are still looking for me.

That sounds-- Hey! Hi, Jerry.

Oh, hey, Ramon.

I took a lot of napkins.

You want some? Uh, no, thanks.

Hey, uh-- Uh, is this seat taken?

No.

[♪]

[♪]

JERRY: And then the worst part is

after the movie, he leeched onto us.

We wound up having coffee with him for, like, two hours,

then he walks us home,

all the way back to the front of the building.

Finally, I said, "Look, Ramon, I gotta go to bed now."

By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today?

No, why?

She called Susan last night.

Oh, yeah. I know.

How do you know?

Oh, it was my idea.

Your idea?

Yeah.

W-w-what'd you do that, for?

She was looking for someone to go to the show with.

She was looking for someone to go to the show with.

Well, that was really a stupid thing!

You know what's gonna happen now?

Worlds collide.

W-- Yeah!

Because this world is your sanctuary,

and if that world comes in contact with--

Yes! It blows up!

So if you know that, what did you tell Elaine for?

I didn't know. Kramer told me about the worlds.

You couldn't figure out the worlds theory for yourself?

It's just common sense.

Anybody knows you gotta keep your worlds apart!

Yeah, I guess I slipped up.

Yeah, I guess I slipped up.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

He knows the worlds theory.

What, is it blowing up?

Ha!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Cosmo. Go.

No, no, no, no.

Boy, this new telephone number's driving me crazy.

Wrong numbers every five minutes.

What is it?

Well, it's 555-3455.

555-3455.

Yeah.

555-3455.

Well, wait a second. Don't you see?

That's 555-FILK.

What's "filk"?

Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Moviefone.

Oh, Moviefone.

Yeah, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you.

So I'm filk? You're filk.

Oh, Mama.

Well, but what about that number Susan B. Anthony wore

to the 19th Amendment party, huh?

Whoo! Ay, ay, ay.

Whoo! Ay, ay, ay.

Quite the décolletage for a suffragette.

[LAUGHS]

Well, it must have been one hell of a party.

Whoo!

Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.

What?

Eh...ah, forget it.

What? You can tell me.

I'll put it in the vault.

The vault?

Mm-hm.

[♪]

Hi, Mr. Seinfeld.

We heard you went to the movies with Ramon.

Uh, well, I didn't actually go with Ramon,

I just bumped into him there.

It's good he has friends like you to cheer him up.

It's good he has friends like you to cheer him up.

Tell him to call us. Tell him Dustin says, "Hello."

All right. I gotta go.

To see Ramon?

[♪]

JERRY: What else did you two do?

Oh, I don't know. You know, girlie stuff.

Yeah, so, uh, flower shows and shopping for pretty bows,

and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties

for a tickle fight?

That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?

That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?

Yes, I do.

Alrighty.

Hey, you know, George isn't too happy

uh, about your new friendship.

Yeah? Well, I don't really give a sh--

Hey, buddy, what's going on?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Oh.

Here we go.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah. No, no, no. Hold on. Yeah.

Yeah, Cupid's Rifle. 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square.

Yeah, Cupid's Rifle. 8:30, Sony Lincoln Square.

Yeah. No, no, no. No problem. Yeah.

You're looking up movies for people now?

I got time.

[PHONE RINGS]

Who's this?

Cosmo here.

Yeah, uh-huh.

No, no, no, no. I'll help.

Yeah, Firestorm's good. I saw it yesterday.

Yeah, well, my buddy Jerry's seen it twice.

You want to talk to him?

Here.

No, I don't want to talk--

Just tell him about the picture!

What's the matter with you? Stop it.

What's the matter with you? Stop it.

Yes, are you still there?

Look, I'm sorry about that.

All right, there's an 8:30 and a 10:15 showing.

[DOOR OPENS]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Uh, that's George.

Yeah?

RAMON: Hey, it's Ramon.

What?

Hey, it's Ramon, Jerry. I'm coming up.

Oh. O-Okay.

W-w-what is he doing here?

Who? Who is Ramon?

He's the pool guy.

What pool guy?

Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here.

Yeah. No problem.

Hey, Jerry, how are you, crazy guy?

So, uh, Ramon, this is, uh, my friend, Elaine, and, uh--

So, uh, Ramon, this is, uh, my friend, Elaine, and, uh--

Yeah, and I was just leaving.

Goodbye, Jerry.

So, uh, what are you doing around here, Ramon?

I was in the neighborhood. Figured I'd visit.

Oh, actually, I-- I kinda had some things to do.

Oh. Oh, yeah? Well-- Well, where are you going?

Uh, just-- You know, I don't know...

Stuff I gotta do.

Hey, that's cool. I'm-- I'm up for some stuff.

All right.

[♪]

So get this. I get down there,

So get this. I get down there,

and right away, I see the drain is clogged.

It's obvious. Can you believe that?

All right, Ramon. I'm gonna get going.

Uh, I think we should separate here, actually.

What are you trying to say, Jerry?

Look, Ramon, you're nice,

but I only have three friends.

I really can't handle any more.

Oh, I see. It's 'cause I clean pools, right?

That has nothing to do with it.

You-- Oh!

[INAUDIBLE]

SUSAN: Yeah, we got along real well.

'Cause you know, uh, she has no female friends.

'Cause you know, uh, she has no female friends.

You know that, don't you?

Something strange about a woman whose friends are all men.

Yeah, I know.

We talked all about that.

You talked all about that?

Oh, yeah.

Elaine opened up her vault.

Did you just say "vault"?

Yeah. Why? Did I use it wrong?

You got that from Elaine.

Yeah.

So, what?

Well, it's a little strange.

You gonna start to talk like Elaine from now on?

You gonna start to talk like Elaine from now on?

I don't know.

Anyway, I thought we'd all go to a movie on Friday.

We'd all go to a movie on Friday?

Yeah.

This is not good.

Worlds are colliding!

George is getting upset!

You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing.

If she is allowed to infiltrate this world,

then George Costanza, as you know him, ceases to exist.

You see, right now,

I have relationship George,

but there is also independent George.

That's the George you know, the George you grew up with.

Movie George, coffee-shop George,

liar George, bawdy George.

I-- I love that George.

Me too, and he's dying, Jerry!

Me too, and he's dying, Jerry!

If relationship George walks through this door,

he will kill independent George.

A George divided against itself

cannot stand!

You're killing independent George!

You know that, don't you?

George, I don't even want to get--

You know what word Susan used last night, huh?

"Vault."

So?

She got that from you.

She got that from you.

Well, I didn't tell her to say it.

What, is she the only girl in the whole world?

Why can't you find your own girl?

I like her!

You see?

You see?

You see what I'm talking about?

It's all just slipping away,

and you're letting it happen!

So you want to catch a movie later?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, I don't have a paper, though.

Hm.

[IMITATING MOVIEFONE OPERATOR] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

Brought to you by The New York Times and Hot 97.

Coming to theaters this Friday:

Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon...

You've got to get me over that mountain!

No!

[IMITATES CRASHING NOISES]

[SCREAMS]

There's no higher place than...

Mountain High.

Rated R.

If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see,

If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see,

press one.

Kramer?

Is that you?

[VOICE FALTERING] Elaine?

Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?

[NORMAL VOICE] I don't know.

[♪]

Well, well, look who's here.

What are you doing here?

You could get in trouble.

No, I don't think so, Jerry.

You see, they gave me my job back.

You see, they gave me my job back.

What?

I'm a pool boy...again.

Look, Ramon, about the other day,

I'm sorry if I offended you.

I get a little crabby on the subway.

Oh, do you?

What happened to all the towels?

Oh, wha-- I guess they must have disappeared.

Hey, Jerry,

look at all the towels they gave me!

I really hit the jackpot!

[SNICKERS]

It's been a terrible situation down there

the past couple of days.

the past couple of days.

He's really making things uncomfortable for me.

There's always a big pile of dirty towels

in front of my locker. Uh-huh.

Then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone.

Oh, so frustrating!

Tell me about it. Oh!

So you want to join me and Susan for lunch

at the coffee shop?

You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?

Yeah.

I'm meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop.

Oh. Huh.

Well, this should be very interesting.

[♪]

Hey! Elaine, Jerry!

Hey! Elaine, Jerry!

Over here.

There they are, huh?

Look who I ran into.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Come on, Jerry. Aren't you gonna join us?

Uh, you know, I'm supposed to meet, uh...someone.

I-- I-- I'll wait for him outside.

Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down.

What's the matter with you?

[QUIETLY] This is gonna be ugly.

What's that, Jerry?

[COUGHS]

I said, boy, am I ugly.

Huh.

Hey. Hey, Georgie boy, over here!

Hey. Hey, Georgie boy, over here!

One,

two...

three...

four.

Ho-ho!

Hey, George!

Hey, George!

Come on, pull up another chair.

[♪]

[♪]

I see you there, Ramon.

Hey! I'm not done.

I know what you're up to, Ramon.

Because I'm a member here,

this is my place to swim.

this is my place to swim.

Hey, you better cut it out, Ramon. Just stop it.

[GRUNTS]

Ollie, ollie, oxen free!

JERRY: No!

I think he's gonna need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Mouth-to-mouth?

Yeah.

Huh.

Huh.

Well?

Go ahead.

You go.

You knocked him out.

Yeah, but you pulled him in.

Come on, Newman.

Do it.

Nah.

He might die.

Yeah...

maybe.

ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry,

ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry,

we'll meet you at the theater.

Okay, next showing's at 9:00.

We can't wait any longer.

Elaine, where could he be?

It's not like George to just disappear.

Look, let's just leave him a note, okay?

Oh, I don't know... Oh, come on.

"George. Elaine and I

went to see Chunnel with Jerry."

"Love"?

Yeah.

"Love...Susan."

So eventually these people came,

and somebody gave him mouth-to-mouth.

and somebody gave him mouth-to-mouth.

He could have died.

Yeah, it was a gamble.

Why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?

How can you possibly show your face there again?

Oh, I can't. They revoked my membership.

Newman too. No, we can't go anywhere near there.

Hi, uh, three for Chunnel.

Two adults...

one child.

GEORGE: What the hell is this?

"George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel with Jerry."

With Jerry, huh? With Jerry!

With Jerry, huh? With Jerry!

Great. Great!

Probably went to the 84th Street.

That's where I always go with Jerry.

[IMITATING MOVIEFONE OPERATOR] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see,

press one.

Come on. Come on.

Using your touch-tone keypad,

please enter the first three letters of the movie title now.

You've selected...

Agent Zero?

Agent Zero?

If that's correct, press one.

What?

Uh, you've selected Brown-Eyed Girl.

If this is correct, press one.

Why don't you just tell me

the name of the movie you've selected.

Chunnel.

To find the theater nearest you,

please enter your five-digit ZIP code now.

Why don't you just tell me

where you want to see the movie.

Loew's Paragon, 84th and Broadway.

Chunnel is playing at the Paragon 84th Street cinema

in the main theater at 9:30 p.m.

Yeah, now I got you!

It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00.

It's also playing in theater number two at 9:00.

[♪]

MAN: The English Channel Tunnel, or Chunnel, runs 32--

[WHISPERING] Jerry. Where are you?

With two openings. One here. And another here.

I know you like to sit back here.

That's all we've got. Thank you. Elaine?

MAN 2: Can I ask something? Susan?

Shh!

I can't figure out what's going on here.

I can't follow the plot.

Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them.

No, no, that's not the guy. That's a different guy.

What is he doing in the Chunnel?

What is he doing in the Chunnel?

Would you two please...?

MAN: Everybody out of the Chunnel!

Everybody out! The Chunnel's gonna blow!

[EXPLOSION, PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Susan!

Jerry!

Where are you? I-- I know you're there!

Answer me!

MAN: Hey, sit down!

Hey, hey! Answer me!

Come on, show yourselves.

MAN 2: Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here!

Drink your soda!

Come on. I know you're there, laughing at me.

Laughing and lying and laughing!

Laughing and lying and laughing!

I had to go to Reggie's, Jerry!

Reggie's!

MAN 2: I'm gonna throw you off of there!

Where are you?

MAN 3: Are you sure you got the right theater?

Yeah, yeah. Chunnel! Susan!

MAN 3: It's playing in two theaters.

Two theaters?

MAN 3: Yeah, there's a 9 too!

Oh.

MAN: Your car is in the Chunnel, somewhere between France--

Sorry.

[♪]

Good, huh?

Good, huh?

What did you think, Susan?

I don't know, I couldn't hear anything.

The two of you talked the whole movie.

Oh, well, come on. Want to go grab a bite to eat?

Ah, no, I don't think so.

Why not? Well, you know,

all you guys do is sit around the coffee shop talking,

sit around Jerry's apartment talking.

Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it.

I'll see you.

GEORGE: I know they're in there, the three of 'em!

Laughing at me, together! Laughing and lying!

Let's go, pal.

They're killing independent George!

And-- And they're all in on it!

And-- And they're all in on it!

Worlds are colliding!

[♪]

[♪]

MOVIEFONE OPERATOR: Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.

I know you're in there.

Cosmo Kramer, apartment 5B.

You're in big trouble now.

You've been stealing my business.

If you'd like to do this the easy way,

open the door now.

Or please select the number of seconds

you'd like to wait before I break this door down.

Please select now.

[♪]