Original subtitles

I've never been anyplace where there was no coffee.

People are constantly trying to give you coffee.

"Would you like coffee?" "Can I get you some coffee?"

Coffee is one of the only things you can have

that people continue to try and give it to you.

Waitresses are always coming over,

"Can I fill it up?" "Can I warm it up?"

"Can I top it off?"

You can lift up a manhole cover,

"We just made a fresh pot. Would you like some?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS & APPLAUDS]

This liquid has taken over humanity.

There are coffee machines we have to call "mister."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Coffee anyone?"

"Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you."

[♪]

And then I hear this rabbi on television.

Imagine.

I'm really sorry, George.

I-I-- I wasn't jealous of you.

It was just the whole... marriage thing.

You know, I was just a little surprised.

Why would anyone eat canned fruit?

I mean, can anybody answer that?

What about all the "loser" stuff?

I don't know where the rabbi got that.

You know, I never said that.

I said, "I've never seen you looser."

JERRY: I could see the can

if you're in the army.

But fresh fruit, it's available.

It's there.

It's two aisles over.

Well, scintillating as always.

Where you going?

I'm going shopping with Susan.

What kind of shopping?

Clothes shopping. Where you going?

Ross'. That's a nice store.

It's her uncle's.

Ah. Discount?

One would hope.

[♪]

KRAMER: So, you know,

my friend and I were going to the movies,

my friend and I were going to the movies,

and we stopped off and bought this café latte.

What is that? Italian coffee? That's right.

Half milk, half coffee? Yeah.

Mm-hm. You take a sip?

Yes, I did.

When you took the sip, did you notice it was hot?

Were you able to sip in your normal fashion?

No, I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.

Mm-hm. All right, all right.

You take big sips?

Well, I think I take a normal sip.

Okay. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that.

Then what happened?

Well, you know, uh...

Well, you know, uh...

They don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater,

so I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.

Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee. Yeah.

Now, is that gonna be a problem?

Yeah, it's gonna be a problem. It'll be a problem for them.

This is a clear violation of your rights as a consumer.

It's an infringement on your constitutional rights.

It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

It's definitely preposterous.

So...then what happened?

Well... I was trying to get to my seat

and I had to step over someone,

and I had to step over someone,

and I kinda got pushed, and it spilt on me.

Was there a top on it?

Yeah.

Did you put the top on, or did they put the top on?

No. They put the top on.

And they made the top.

You didn't make the top, did you?

Suzy...

want you to go down to Java World.

Get me a café latte with a top.

We gonna run some tests on that top.

Whoa.

Have you been to the doctor?

Uh, no. No, I haven't.

Suzy, call Dr. Bison.

Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here.

Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here.

Tell him it's for me.

So, uh, what do you think, Mr. Chiles?

Jackie.

Jackie. I mean, we got a chance?

Do we have a chance?

You get me one coffee drinker on that jury,

you gonna walk out of there a rich man.

[SMACKS LIPS]

[♪]

GEORGE: I don't like it. It's red.

It's too flashy.

You could use a little flash.

All right, don't change me.

Susan, don't change me.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, there's a lot of women

that would love to be in your position right now.

Name one.

So...did you find anything?

Oh, he is impossible to shop for, Uncle Ned.

I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica.

Maybe I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

Okay. Excuse me, Mr. Ross.

See, now, this I don't get.

What?

The security guard.

What about him?

Why does he have to stand?

Because he's a security guard.

I mean, look at him.

He's gotta be on his feet like that all day?

He's gotta be on his feet like that all day?

I mean, that's brutal.

I think I'll say something to your uncle.

George, you just met him.

Don't say anything to him.

Aren't you concerned about the security guard?

Not really.

GREORGE: She's not concerned about the security guard.

What kind of a person is this?

I'm marrying a person who doesn't care

that this man has to stand there eight hours a day

when he could easily be sitting.

All right, George. What do you think?

[♪]

What'd you do last night?

What'd you do last night?

Nothin'.

I know, nothing, but what did you actually do?

Literally nothing.

I sat in a chair, and I stared.

Wow, that really is nothing.

I told you.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Why are you all dressed up for?

Oh, I, uh, just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

Oh, yeah? How's that lookin'?

I'll tell ya how it's looking.

My lawyer Jackie says

if there's one coffee drinker on that jury,

I'm gonna be a rich man.

Oh, that's despicable.

How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote?

How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote?

I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury,

I wouldn't give you a nickel, Kramer.

Well, you wouldn't be on that jury.

He would have weeded you out.

Frankly, I'm surprised you're so litigious.

Oh, I can be quite litigious.

I mean, who ever heard of this anyway?

Suing a company because their coffee is too hot?

Coffee is supposed to be hot.

Yeah, but Jackie says the top was faulty.

[SCOFFS] Jackie says the top was faulty.

[KNOCKING]

Hey, Maestro! Ah, Kramer!

Hey, I'm in here. How's it going?

Hi, Bob.

[COUGHS]

Oh.

I'm sorry.

"Maestro."

Ooh, boy, this is a surprise, huh? Look at you.

I just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm

for your burns.

It's supposed to be great stuff.

It's all herbal.

Oh, Maestro, you-- What are you doing?

You don't have to do this.

Do you believe this Maestro?

It's nothing.

You haven't been around for a while. Oh, yeah.

I've been at my house in Tuscany.

I've been at my house in Tuscany.

Oh, Tuscany. You hear that, Jerry?

That's in Italy.

I hear it's beautiful there.

Well, if you're thinking of getting a place there,

don't bother.

There's really nothing available.

Hm?

Oh. Hello.

Well, hello.

And who might you be?

I might be Elaine.

This is Bob Cobb.

Maestro.

ELAINE: Ooh.

Maestro.

It is my very great pleasure. Oh.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Enchanté.

[LAUGHS]

BOTH: Well, I have to get going.

BOTH: Well, I have to get going.

Jinx. Buy me a Coke. Ooh.

I love it when that happens.

I know. I know. That is so, um...

Coincidental. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, uh, bye, you guys.

Yeah, yeah. Ciao.

Oh, hey, and, uh,

thanks for the balm.

Yeah.

You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.

Oh, why, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?

That's right.

You know, I feel a little funny callin' somebody "Maestro."

Why?

Why?

Because it's a stupid thing to be called.

Jerry, he's a conductor.

Oh, "conductor." He conducts

the Policemen's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

Well, he's still a conductor.

Well, he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.

Oh, you should see him do "Flight of the Bumblebee."

He just...

T-t-t-t-t-toom!

[♪]

New shirt?

Yeah, you like it?

Not particularly.

Why, the color? Yeah.

Too flashy?

Yeah, it's burning my retina.

Susan picked that out for you, right?

No.

All right, what's it gonna be here?

Let me ask you something.

When you go into a store, does it bother you

that they make the security guard just stand there all day?

No.

Hey, didn't bother Susan either.

That's why I'm different.

I can sense the slightest human suffering.

Are you sensing anything right now?

Let me just say this.

It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet in one spot

for eight hours a day.

Why shouldn't he have a chair?

Well, what about criminal activity?

He's gotta be alert.

What, he can't jump out of the chair?

How long does that take?

Here, look at this. Here, watch.

Criminals! Boom! I'm up.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Maybe they offered him a chair, and he turned it down.

Would you get outta here?

Who's gonna turn down a chair?

I would be very interested to know how he felt about all this.

I would be very interested to know how he felt about all this.

Maybe I'll have a talk with him.

I know you will.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this.

Jackie just called.

Who? His lawyer.

Java World wants to settle. What?

Yeah. I'm gonna be rich!

Why are they settling?

'Cause they're afraid of bad publicity.

All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?

Yeah! That's right!

I'm gonna need a coffee here!

Very hot! Boiling!

MAESTRO: And then, about...

four years ago,

I was on holiday in Tuscany, Uh-huh.

I was on holiday in Tuscany, Uh-huh.

and I fell in love with this house. Oh.

Are you ready to order? Mm.

Oh, gosh. What are you gettin', Bob?

Good question.

We'll need a few minutes.

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

You know, I'm sorry, but...

I didn't mention it earlier, but, actually,

I prefer to be called "Maestro."

Excuse me?

Well, you know, I am a conductor.

Well, you know, I am a conductor.

Yeah. So?

Oh, I suppose it's okay

for Leonard Bernstein to be called "Maestro"

because he conducted the New York Philharmonic.

So he gets to be called "Maestro," and I don't.

Well, I mean, don't you think

that he was probably called "Maestro"

while he was conducting?

Not in social situations.

I mean, his friends probably just called him "Lenny."

I happen to know for a fact

that he was called "Maestro" in social situations.

I once saw him in a bar,

I once saw him in a bar,

and somebody came up to him and said,

"Hello, Maestro. How about a beer?"

Okay? So that's a fact.

"Maestro," huh?

Okay.

[LAUGHS]

Maestro.

[♪]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[BANGING]

[RATTLING]

Jerry!

Jerry!

[CRASHING]

Jerry! Jerry, my burn, it's gone. Look.

Jerry! Jerry, my burn, it's gone. Look.

What do you mean?

Well, I put that Chinese balm on it the maestro gave me,

and look, it healed it.

So? So...

my lawsuit, I'm finished.

I thought they wanted to settle.

Well, what happens if they wanna see it?

Then you're in a lot of trouble.

Yeah!

[♪]

[CHUCKLES]

Tired?

No.

How come, uh... no chair?

What?

I couldn't help but notice

that you don't have a chair.

I don't need a chair.

I didn't mean to imply you did.

You're obviously a very well-proportioned individual.

What I was just wondering is, uh...

have they ever offered you a chair?

have they ever offered you a chair?

No.

Would you like a chair?

I suppose if they gave me one, I'd sit down.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You would, wouldn't you?

Obviously I'd rather sit than stand

if that's what you're asking.

That's exactly my point.

Well, who wouldn't?

Because I tell you, frankly,

I'd like to walk in here one day

and find you sitting down.

That would give me a lot of pleasure.

Ha! Call me crazy.

[♪]

You put the balm on?

Who told you to put the balm on?

I didn't tell you to put the balm on.

I didn't tell you to put the balm on.

Why'd you put the balm on?

You haven't even seen the doctor.

If you gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.

I guess I screwed up, huh, Jackie?

You damn right you screwed up.

Where the hell did you get that damn balm anyway?

The Maestro. The who?

What you talkin' about, "Maestro"?

My friend, he's a conductor.

Oh, oh, oh. So a maestro tells you

to put a balm on, and you do it?

Well, my stomach was burning.

I tell you what this is.

This is a public humiliation.

I didn't know the balm was gonna work.

Do you know what a balm is?

You ever seen a balm?

Didn't you read the instructions?

Didn't you read the instructions?

I was-- No one can tell what a balm's gonna do.

They're unpredictable.

All right, I'm sorry, Jackie.

Pull over here, driver. This is it.

Yeah. Get over.

[♪]

You have a good time?

Yeah, he's very interesting.

Did you know that Mozart died

while he was writing the "Requiem"?

Yeah. Everyone knows that.

It was in Amadeus.

Really?

So, what about the "Maestro" stuff.

Did he make you call him "Maestro"?

Yeah, I called him "Maestro." You didn't mind?

Well, I did at first,

Well, I did at first,

but, actually, I kinda got used to it.

Okay, from now on, I want you to call me "Jerry the Great."

I am not calling you "Jerry the Great."

Why not? You call him "Maestro."

He is a maestro.

Well, I'm great.

So you say.

What about his house in Tuscany?

Did he mention that? Yeah.

I'm invited. Hm.

You know, when I told him it was beautiful there,

out of the clear blue sky,

he says there's nothing to rent,

as if he doesn't want anyone else there.

Why? I don't know.

Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.

Yeah, well, maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.

Yeah, well, maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.

In all of Tuscany?

I wonder.

[♪]

I say we offer him $50,000. That's it, take it or leave it.

How do we know how severe the burns are?

Why don't we have him examined by a doctor?

Listen, the faster we dispose of this, the better.

This thing gets into the paper, it'll kill us.

All right. We'll start with 50,000

and free coffee at all of our stores.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

WOMAN: Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.

Send them in.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, come in.

Now, we don't want to take up much of your time.

Let's make this short and sweet.

Okay.

We're prepared to offer you

all the free coffee you want at any of our stores

throughout North America and Europe,

plus--

I'll take it!

[♪]

[♪]

JACKIE: "I'll take it"?

"I'll take it."

Who told you to take it?

Did I tell you to take it? No.

The Maestro didn't tell you to take it. He wasn't there.

I thought we were lucky to get anything.

Free coffee?

Yeah. I don't want free coffee.

It's not hard to get coffee.

I can get my own damn coffee.

I wanted to know what came after that "plus."

Well, I didn't hear any "plus."

Twenty years practicing law,

I never experienced anything like this.

Look, Java World.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna get out here.

Gonna get myself a free café latte.

[♪]

[BEETHOVEN'S "SYMPHONY No. 7" BLARING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey!

Hi, Maestro.

[CHUCKLES]

Beethoven's "Seventh."

Yeah. We were just talking about you.

Yeah. You know the other day

how you mentioned there were no houses available in Tuscany.

You didn't find one, did you?

You didn't find one, did you?

No.

Not really looking.

Nor should you.

But are you telling me there's not one house to rent

in all of Tuscany?

The houses are passed down from generation to generation.

It's very hard.

I can't get a sublet,

a guest room, a cot, nothing?

It's booked solid.

It's booked, Jerry.

How'd you get yours?

Got lucky.

Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride.

I was about to pop in some Verdi.

[SINGING ARIA IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING ARIA IN ITALIAN]

MAESTRO: Ciao.

Maybe I'll check out France!

Hey.

Hey, George, you believe this guy?

Who? Bob Cobb.

Bob Cobb?

You know, the Maestro.

Oh, I missed the Maestro?

Yeah, get this.

He tells me there are no houses anywhere in Tuscany to rent.

Hm.

You renting a house in Tuscany?

No.

So, what do you care?

So, what do you care?

[♪]

Yeah, well, I just wish I could figure out

if this guy's trying to keep me out of Tuscany.

Of course he is.

There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany.

Do you know how big Tuscany is?

I have no idea.

It-- It's huge.

It's probably like North Dakota.

Oh. No way it's that big.

It's a big region.

You know how big North Dakota is, stupid?

I don't know why I bother even talking to you.

Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.

All right.

All right.

So I spoke to the security guard.

Yeah? And?

Well, it was tough to get a good read,

but I think, if I brought him a chair,

he'd sit.

You're gonna get him a chair?

Yep. It's really just a question of what kind.

I'm thinking about a barstool.

Hm. Yeah. That'd give him some height.

Be able to check things out.

With a back or without?

Oh, I think I'd go for the back.

Swivel? I suppose he could swivel.

Hey, maybe a director's chair. What do you think of those?

I think that's kind of a pompous look.

You know, my parents used to have a kitchen chair

that would've been perfect.

You mean, one of those vinyl things? Yes.

Vinyl, yeah. Maybe.

How can I figure out

if there's any places to rent in Tuscany?

Wait a minute. Poppie's from Tuscany.

I'm gonna go call him.

Yeah. Good luck.

Hey. I'll meet you outside.

[♪]

[BOLD, FESTIVE OPERA BLARING]

[BOTH SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Poppie told me to talk to his cousin.

He lives down in little Italy.

What do you think about a rocking chair?

You can't put a limit on my café lattes. Says so right here.

And I don't want dirty looks when I come in here.

If I want a café latte, you give me a café latte.

If I have any problems, I'll get my lawyer,

Jackie Chiles, and you'll be in big trouble.

Hey, hey, hey, slow down.

What's the matter?

They're making faces 'cause I've had some café lattes,

but I'm entitled to them.

I can have as many as I want. That was the settlement.

That's it? That's it.

That's it? That's it.

Want one, George? I can get one.

No problem. Jerry, you want one?

They're delicious. My pleasure.

You've got to stop it.

You're-- You're all hopped up on the caffeine.

I feel like I'm talking fast, but it's hard to tell.

You're racing. I got things to do.

I'll see you later. Bye.

[♪]

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, Bob.

Bob.

Maestro.

Maestro.

Maestro.

[♪]

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

Nope. Just, uh, giving a chair to the security guard.

Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?

What's your name?

Evan Fain.

I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece.

I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday,

so if I were you, I'd stay on my good side.

so if I were you, I'd stay on my good side.

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know.

Innocent mistake.

Well...

There you go. What do you think?

Mr. Ross said this was okay?

I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it.

Go ahead. Check it out.

Well.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for a Mr. Ciccio.

Sí, sí.

I'm Ciccio.

Poppie sent me to see you, Mr. Ciccio.

Sí, sí, Poppie.

Um, did he--? Did he mention to you why I called?

Sí.

The house in Toscana.

Yeah, right, right.

So is there anything there to rent?

Sí.

Two million lire. You give me the check.

Two million lire. You give me the check.

No, I didn't actually wanna rent it.

The keys. Here are the keys.

You give me the check.

Two million lire.

Seventeen hundred American.

Molto generoso.

Ah, sí. Sí.

No, see, um...

I didn't say that I wanted to rent it.

I was just wondering

I was just wondering

if there were... houses there to rent.

Sí.

This one.

Capisce?

[♪]

[♪]

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

You know, I really needed to get away.

I told you.

It's paradise.

You were right, Maestro.

[HORN HONKS]

[MAN SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, this guy's crazy. Get out.

I'm getting out. You didn't have to push me.

KRAMER: Didn't push you.

How much did you pay that guy?

Seventy-five thousand lire.

Seventy-five thousand lire?

Are you out of your mind?

Kramer, you don't understand the conversion rate.

Oh, yeah. The conversion rate.

You know, I don't even know why I brought you.

Nobody put a gun to your head.

[WOMAN SINGING OPERA]

Not bad. Yeah.