Original subtitles

[ON TV] ♪ Did you ever know that You're my hero ♪

[WEEPING]

♪ And everything I would like to be? ♪

[WEEPING]

♪ I can fly higher Than an eagle... ♪

JERRY: All right, what am I supposed to do here?

Should I go over there?

It's not like somebody died.

It's Beaches, for God's sake.

If she was sittin' next to me, I'd put my arm around her.

If she was sittin' next to me, I'd put my arm around her.

I can't see makin' a big move

like goin' all the way over there.

I can't.

I won't.

JERRY: So she calls me this morning.

Tells me she's upset that

I didn't console her.

I mean, it was Beaches, for God's sake.

I mean, what do you do in a situation like that?

Where were ya?

I was sittin' on the chair.

She was over here on the couch.

Mm-hm.

If you were sittin' right next to her,

you'd have to console her no matter what.

Of course.

When you're talking about a movie like Beaches,

moving from the chair to the couch...

moving from the chair to the couch...

That's quite a voyage. Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. We gotta get goin'. C'mon.

Where you goin'? Show League game.

The Improv's playing Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.

Really?

What, is Bette Midler playing?

Is she gonna be there?

She might be. She's the star of the show.

Wh-- Bette Midler is gonna be in the park today?

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK]

Jerry, don't tease me.

I didn't know you were such a Midler fan.

So maybe I'll go down and watch, huh?

She'll be there maybe, huh?

So is Gennice playing today?

So is Gennice playing today?

Yeah. She might be.

What Gennice?

That's, uh, the understudy. I'm dating her.

Oh. Is this, uh, Bette Midler's understudy?

Yeah.

Ah. Understudies, now--

They're a shifty bunch.

The substitute teachers of the theatre world.

I'm glad that she's an understudy.

This way I avoid having to go backstage

and think of something to say.

Going backstage is the worst.

Especially when they stink.

You know, then it's a real problem.

Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink.

"Hey, you know what?

"Heh, I didn't like the show.

"Heh, I didn't like the show.

"I didn't like you.

"You just really stunk.

"The whole thing, real bad.

"Stinkaroo.

Thanks for the tickets though."

Miss Elaine, you late.

I know. I know.

I didn't have change for the bus.

Nobody'll give you change in this city.

So they threw me off the bus.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

Oh, but you have to wait for Lotus now.

Well, how long is it gonna take?

I have, like, a million things to do.

I have, like, a million things to do.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[LAUGHS]

[GIGGLES]

What?

What?

Not long.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

What-- What? What is so funny?

What-- What? What is so funny?

Uh...

Sunny, tell a knock-knock joke.

Yeah. [ALL LAUGH]

[CHUCKLES]

ELAINE: I'm telling you, Jerry.

I have a sneaking suspicion they're talking about me.

I think they've been calling me a dog.

How would you know? You don't speak Korean.

Because this woman came in with a dog,

and Ruby called the dog the same word they were saying

when they were pointing at me.

Geh. Geh. Geh.

You know, maybe in Korean, "dog" isn't an insult.

You know, maybe in Korean, "dog" isn't an insult.

Could be like the word "fox" to us.

"Oh, she's a dog."

Why don't you go to another nail shop.

Because they're the best, Jerry.

The best. Look.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you

and tell you what they're saying.

Yeah, who speaks Korean?

Know who speaks Korean?

Who?

George's father.

Oh, God, you've gotta be kidding me.

How does he speak Korean?

He used to go there a lot on business.

What did he do?

Sold religious articles,

statues of Jesus, the Virgin Mary,

manufactured in Korea.

manufactured in Korea.

George, does your father speak Korean?

Yeah. Fluently. Really?

In fact, he once spoke to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

Thanks.

JERRY: Oh, hi, Gennice.

Hey. Hey, Jerry.

You know, George. This is Kramer.

GENNICE: Nice to meet you.

Playin' today?

No, I'm a bench player.

You know, they really stick to that understudy rule.

So she's coming?

Oh, yeah, she'll be here.

Guaranteed.

Guaranteed.

[TEARFULLY] Oh, no.

My frankfurter.

My frankfurter fell.

Oh, no.

[SOBS]

It was really good.

I can't believe that I dropped it.

[SOBS]

[SOBS]

It's okay.

It's just a hot dog.

Don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay.

It was really good.

It's Bette!

[CHEERING, CLAPPING]

Hi.

Hi.

Look. There she is.

It's Bette.

[EXCITED] It's Bette.

[SQUEAKS]

KRAMER: Psst.

Uh, Bette?

Psst!

Hi. Hi.

Um, you know, I just wanna say, I think you're wonderful.

Um, you know, I just wanna say, I think you're wonderful.

Heh. Thank you.

Yeah, you know, I've seen you in everything you've done.

Really?

Is there anything I can get you?

A water? They got Italian ice over here.

What flavors do they have?

Well, they got chocolate, lemon and cherry.

How about pineapple? Pineapple.

Sure, I'll be right back.

Thanks.

One pineapple.

No pineapple.

Just cherry, lemon and tutti-frutti.

[PANTING] Wha-- Oh, uh...

ELAINE: Anyway, Mr. Costanza,

what I want you to do is to go into the shop with me

and tell me what they're saying.

You do speak Korean?

I once talked to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

He bought two Jesus statues from me.

He's a hell of a nice guy.

Ah.

Ever seen that face on him?

It was like a big apple pie.

Yup, yeah.

Uh, ahem, listen, Mr. Costanza, if, um--

If you do this for me, I can get you a manicure.

I'll pay for it.

I'll pay for it.

Or you can get a pedicure if you want.

No one's touchin' my feet.

Between you and me, Elaine,

I think I got a foot-odor problem.

Hold it up. Time.

Time!

How you feelin'?

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

You feelin' okay?

What's your problem?

Now, listen. She's all over the inside of the plate.

You know, she thinks she's a big star.

Thinks she owns the inside corner.

So I say we back her off with a little chin music.

You know I what mean? Yeah, I know what you mean.

Why don't you go back and play your position there.

Just trying to help.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're throwing off my rhythm.

Go get her.

Caught that, uh--

Caught that, uh--

What is it, Beaches, on cable last night.

[SNORTS]

Wind beneath my wings, huh?

Give me a break.

Hey, get some talent. Then you can mouth off.

Strike three.

BETTE: What are you blind?

[TEAM CHEERING] You stink.

What's that? Nothing.

Nothing.

I had an affair with a Korean woman.

Uh, Mr. Costanza, I don't--

No, I feel I need to unburden myself.

I loved her very deeply,

but the clash of cultures was too much.

Her family would not accept me.

Mr. Costanza, I'm not comfort--

Maybe it was because I refused to take off my shoes.

Again, the foot-odor problem.

Her father would look at me and say:

[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]

[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]

Which means, "This guy--

This is not my kinda guy."

Pineapple? Yeah, sure, I got pineapple.

Yeah, all right. Okay. Thanks.

Move in. Move in, everybody.

Get your shrimp here.

Big-mouth shrimp on special today!

Come on, George. We just need one run.

Come on, George!

I got the pineapple!

I got the pineapple!

[CHEERING]

Keeping going!

All the way!

WOMAN: Come on, come on!

JERRY: Keep going!

[SCREAMS]

Safe. Yeah!

Safe. Yeah!

ALL: Yeah!

[SQUEAKS]

Yes!

Ha-ha!

MAN: Oh, my God. Bette's hurt.

The understudy's boyfriend probably put him up to it.

That's his friend.

You're gonna pay for this.

Fellas, that-- That was a clean play.

Come on, it's just a game. It's just--

It's just a game!

Oh, Bette!

[GROANS]

Don't-- No, don't worry.

I'm with you. Now, Kramer's here.

Kramer is going to take care of everything. Here, see?

I got you a pineapple.

And I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time.

And I saw Beaches last night for the fourth time.

♪ You are the wind Beneath my wings ♪

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Our top story,

The show will go on, but not Bette Midler.

While playing softball in the park,

Ms. Midler was injured when another player

thoughtlessly player rammed her at home plate,

all captured on amateur videotape.

She'll be out for at least a week

from her new Broadway show,

Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.

[DOOR OPENS]

Thank you.

[TEARFULLY] Thank you.

Well, we--

No, please.

This is the first time in my life...

that anyone has ever done anything like this for me.

I've always had to struggle so hard

for everything I ever got.

[SOBS]

And for you two to do what you did,

I just know this is gonna be my big break.

I just know this is gonna be my big break.

[SOBS]

That's okay.

Everything is gonna be all right.

[POUND ON DOOR]

KRAMER: Jerry!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Come on, Jerry, open up!

I know you're in there!

Uh, Kramer, come back another time!

[RATTLING]

KRAMER: Yeah.

Oh!

So you're all in here together!

So you're all in here together!

Well, how convenient.

I hope you're all very proud of yourselves.

So, my dear, you think you can get to Broadway.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

Broadway has no room for people like you.

Not the Broadway I know!

My Broadway takes people like you

and eats them up and spits them out!

My Broadway's the Broadway

of Merman and Martin and Fontanne!

And if you think you can build yourself up

And if you think you can build yourself up

by knocking other people down,

good luck!

Hello, everyone.

Hi. Heh.

Um, this is my friend, Frank.

Ohhh.

What would you like today?

Manicure? Pedicure?

I'll take a manicure.

I don't take my shoes off for anyone.

Yeah, I know.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

What's that?

What did they say? What did they say?

They made a derogatory comment about me.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

Okay! That's it!

[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]

[SPEAKS IN KOREAN]

Where's my tail?!

I heard every word you said!

You got some nerve!

That voice.

It's-- It sounds so familiar.

It reminds me of when I was a young girl in Korea

and I met an American businessman.

He was a very unusual man.

Quick-tempered with a strange,

halting way of speaking.

halting way of speaking.

We fell in love.

But when I brought him home to meet my father,

he refused to take his shoes off,

and there was a terrible fight.

Kim.

This man also refuses to take his shoes off.

FRANK: I've never seen people treated like this!

So, you brought in a spy!

Now, take your dry, bitten nails,

and get out!

Frank?

Kim?

KRAMER: Yeah, right.

It's a turkey sandwich,

a side of slaw.

Uh-- You want white meat or dark meat?

White meat.

Yeah, white meat.

And if I see one piece of dark meat on there,

it's your ass, buster.

Get me one of those black-and-white cookies. Yeah.

All right, yeah.

All right, yeah.

They don't have any.

But don't you worry.

I'm gonna get you one somewhere. Good.

Because if I don't get a black-and-white cookie,

I am not gonna be very pleasant to be around.

Now, that's impossible.

Now, is there anything else I can do for you?

I don't think so.

Uh-- Can I do that for you?

All right. What the hell.

Yeah, heh.

Well.

So, what's the scoop on Bob Barker?

Does he really give a damn about what all those things cost,

Does he really give a damn about what all those things cost,

or is he just acting?

[BLUBBERING TEARFULLY]

Oh! Oh.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

I don't even know where I'm going.

That's the best way to get someplace you've never been.

Well... Yeah, I suppose that's true.

Have you been crying?

Yeah, you see, this woman-- This manicurist--

Oh, no, no. It-- It doesn't matter why.

That's a very nice jacket.

Oh, thanks.

Very soft. Huge button flaps,

Very soft. Huge button flaps,

cargo pockets, drawstring waist,

deep by-swing vents in the back.

Perfect for jumping into a dumper.

Huh? How do you know all that?

That's my coat.

You mean--?

Yes.

I'm J. Peterman.

[GASPS]

JERRY: I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything.

Driver, could you stop here? We're picking somebody up.

[WOMAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY] MAN: Hey!

GENNICE: Hey, I didn't do anything!

GENNICE: Hey, I didn't do anything!

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

I was never informed!

MAN: Oh, yeah, sure.

WOMAN: That's not what they said in the paper!

You can all go straight to hell!

[PEOPLE YELLING]

You see that?

Do you see what I'm going through?

So what?

Somebody dropped an egg on my head

as I went into my building last night.

Hey, I'm being heckled on-stage.

People are yelling out, "Gillooly."

Well, I'm having a little trouble with all this.

[TEARFULLY] I mean, all I ever wanted to do was sing,

and now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy.

And none of the other actors on the show

And none of the other actors on the show

will even talk to me.

Ah, stop your cryin', will ya?

What?! You heard him!

Oh, don't you chime in.

You're the reason this whole thing happened.

Oh, yeah? I read what you said to the papers yesterday.

How you weren't in on the planning.

What planning?! You think we planned this?

How dare you say we planned this!

Wait, wait! I know you-- I know you three!

You're the three who knocked Bette Midler

out of Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical.

I want you creeps out of my cab!

Hey, I had nothing to do with it.

Get out of my cab! You should go to prison!

You should eat prison food the rest of your life.

Get out!

Get out!

Get out. Each of you.

Each and every one of you get out of my cab.

Then, in the distance, I heard the bulls,

and I began running as fast as I could.

Fortunately, I was wearing my Italian capto oxfords.

Sophisticated yet different,

without making a huge fuss about it.

Rich, dark-brown calfskin leather,

matching linen vamp.

Men's whole and half sizes, 7 through 13, price $135.

Men's whole and half sizes, 7 through 13, price $135.

Oh, that's not too expensive.

I like that shirt. Where did you get it?

Oh. This innocent-looking shirt has something

which isn't innocent at all.

Touchability,

Heavy, silky Italian cotton,

A fine, almost... terry cloth-like feeling.

Five button placket, relaxed fit,

innocence and mayhem at once.

That's not bad.

So many years, Frank.

So many years.

If only you had taken your shoes off.

Couldn't because I had a potential foot problem.

I thought maybe you had holes in your socks.

I wiped them for two minutes on the mat.

I don't know why your father had to make a case out of it.

Anyway, that's all in the past.

We have our whole future ahead of us.

Between you and me,

I think your country is placing

a lot of importance on shoe removal.

[FRANK BRAKES, TIRES SQUEAL]

You stopped short with me?

You stopped short with me?

We don't do that in Korea!

Take me home!

I never want to see you again.

[EXHALES]

Hi.

Here.

I made this for you.

What is it?

It's Macaroni Midler.

Macaroni Midler? Yeah, yeah.

It's-- See how you're singin'?

It's-- See how you're singin'?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Well, you made A long journey ♪

♪ From Milan to Minsk ♪ [GIGGLES]

What's that from?

Oh! That's one of the songs from my show.

♪ Well, you made a long journey From Milan to Minsk ♪

♪ Rochelle, Rochelle ♪

♪ You never stopped hoping ♪

♪ Now, you're in the pinsk ♪

♪ Rochelle, Rochelle ♪

♪ When the naysayers nayed You picked up your pace ♪

♪ You said Nothing's gonna stop me ♪

♪ So get out of my face ♪

♪ I'm having adventures All over the place ♪

♪ Rochelle, Rochelle ♪

♪ Rochelle, Rochelle ♪

Oh. What do you think?

Whoo!

You are so freaking talented.

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah.

Oh.

So, look who's here.

What do you want?

We just wanna talk to her.

We want to apologize and tell her

the whole thing was an accident.

No, I'm sorry.

It's out of the question.

What?

Bette is recuperating right now,

and I'm not gonna allow anything to disturb her.

Well, who are you to decide?

Well, who are you to decide?

I'm calling the shots around here,

so there won't be any more accidents.

Hey, look, Kramer--

Uh-uh! I don't want her disturbed.

All right, we are gonna go find the security guard!

[MUTTERING] Oh, boy.

What's wrong? Huh?

I've a very bad feeling about this.

Wait a second.

What are you doin'?

Where are you taking me?

Only one place where I know you'll be safe.

Only one place where I know you'll be safe.

Aah!

Are you insane?!

Hello, Elaine.

Oh, well, hi.

We thank you so much. We're so excited!

Oh, you're welcome.

See you inside. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

What happened?

Well, I felt bad about the spying, so--

You know, I got 'em tickets to the show.

Oh, that's nice.

All right. I'll see you later.

Wait, wait, wait! I didn't even get

to tell you about my new job.

Where?

Where?

Writing for the J. Peterman catalog!

How did you get that?

I met him.

You met J. Peterman? Yeah.

What is he like?

He wore a classic horseman's duster,

beige corduroy collar,

a hundred-percent cotton canvas,

high waist,

nine pockets, six on the outside.

Great for running alongside a train,

waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda.

Men's sizes-- I'll see you later!

--small, medium, large...

--small, medium, large...

Well, break a leg tonight.

I'm really nervous.

Here, you got a telegram.

Well, look who's here.

Listen, buddy-- What are you gonna do?

Break my legs?

You don't scare me. You or your goons.

Hm. How do you like that?

What is it?

My grandmother died.

Oh, I'm so sorr--

Oh, no, it's okay. I'm fine.

So you don't cry when your grandmother dies,

but a hot dog makes you lose control.

WOMAN: Places everyone.

WOMAN: Places everyone.

I gotta go on now.

Good luck.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

at this evening's performance,

the part of Rochelle will be played by Gennice Graham.

[CROWD MURMURS]

Gennice... What?

G-G-Graham? Gennice Graham?

What happened to Bette Midler?!

Oh, she got hurt.

No Bette Midler?!

[WOMEN SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

♪ Made a long journey ♪

♪ From Milan to Minsk ♪

Wait, wait.

Hold it.

Stop!

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SOBS]

[TEARFULLY] I'm sorry, I have to start it over.

Look at my shoelace.

I can't do it like this.

Please, let me start it over.

[SOBBING] Please.

Please?

Please?

KRAMER: ♪ Made a long journey ♪

♪ From Milan to Minsk ♪

♪ Rochelle, Rochelle ♪

Your turn.

BETTE: ♪ You never stopped hoping ♪

♪ Now, you're in the pinsk ♪ KRAMER: Yeah.

♪ Rochelle, Rochelle ♪

TOGETHER: ♪ When the naysayers nayed ♪

♪ You picked up your pace You said no-- ♪