Original subtitles

Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world.

I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership,

have a kid. I mean, come on.

I mean, you're so close.

If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars,

it's time to think about a family.

Monkeys, of course, were the first astronauts in the '60s,

which, I'm sure, made perfect sense in the monkey brain.

"I feel that is the next logical step for me

"because I've been workin'

"with the Italian guy and the crank organ,

"with the Italian guy and the crank organ,

and I think I'm ready to handle the maximum reentry G-forces."

Take toilet paper, for example.

Do you realize that toilet paper

has not changed in my lifetime?

It's just paper on a cardboard roll.

That's it.

And in 10,000 years,

it will still be exactly the same,

because, really, what else can they do?

Yeah, that's true.

There really has been no development in toilet paper.

And, I mean, everything else has changed.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

But toilet paper is exactly the same,

and will be so until we're dead.

Yeah, you're right, George.

What else can they do?

It's just paper on a roll, that's it,

and that's all it will ever be.

Wow.

You find this interesting, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Oh, thanks very much. The soup was really good.

What are ya tellin' him for?

What?

He's the busboy. You think he cares about the soup?

Yeah, well, wouldn't he want the soup to be good?

Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killin' himself.

Come on.

You think he's back there, talkin' to the chef, goin',

"Hey, they like the soup!

Keep it up!"

Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?

Yep.

Yep.

Alec Berg.

He's got a good John Houseman name.

Yeah.

[SNOOTILY] Alec Berg.

Mr. Berg.

I can't stand him. He is so pretentious.

John Houseman?

No, Alec Berg.

Elaine!

Hi! Hi.

Jerry. Hi, Alec.

Hey, did you hear about Gary Fogel? Yeah.

You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, did I see you on TV at the Ranger game?

Are those your seats, right behind the glass?

Those are them, yeah. Season tickets.

Uh, you know, unfortunately, I can't go tonight.

So they're available if you'd like to use them.

So they're available if you'd like to use them.

Oh, I'd love to. Are you sure?

Absolutely. You just call my secretary.

She'll arrange everything.

Gee, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

Be good. Okay.

You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either,

so...I'll let you know.

All right. Thanks again.

Thank you very much.

Really, thank you.

JERRY: Well, what about these nitwits

that get on a plane with nothin' to read?

Ya know who these people are? Who?

These are the people that wanna talk to you.

These are the people that wanna talk to you.

They've got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?

I will never understand people.

They're the worst.

♪ Something's up ♪

[GASPS]

♪ There's something In the air ♪

Well, what is with you?

Well...

I think this is it.

What's it?

I saw Siena again.

Siena?

Yeah, he's dating a crayon.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

We discussed toilet paper.

Toilet paper?

Yep, yep,

I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime

and probably wouldn't change for the next 50,000 years,

and she was fascinated.

Fascinated!

What are you talkin' about?

Yeah.

Toilet paper's changed.

It's softer.

Softer. More sheets per role.

Sheets.

A wide variety of colors. Colors.

All right. Okay. Fine, fine.

It's changed. It's not really the point.

It's changed. It's not really the point.

Anyway, uh...

I'm thinkin' of makin' a big move.

What?

I might...tell her that I love her.

Oh, my. Ooh.

I, uh-- I came this close last night,

and then I just-- I just chickened out.

Well...

that's a big move, Georgie-boy.

Are you confident in the "I love you" return?

Fifty-fifty.

'Cause if you don't get that return...

that's a pretty big matzo ball hangin' out there.

that's a pretty big matzo ball hangin' out there.

Well... I've just gotta say it once.

Everybody else gets to say it.

Wh-wh-why can't I say it?

What? You've never said it?

Once, to a dog.

He licked himself and left the room.

Well, so it wasn't a total loss.

Hey.

Hey! I forgot to tell ya!

I got tickets to the Rangers/Devils playoff tonight.

Oh, I'm there. Monongahela!

Oh, I'm there. Monongahela!

What about you, George?

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Can't do it. Can't do it.

Sorry, got a date.

So? So?

No, no, no, if you must know, I...

I would rather be with her than...

Than go to the game.

Ooh!

Well, she must be a very special lady, huh, George?

Ha! Yeah.

Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?

Oh, hey! Can I bring David Puddy?

He's a big Devils fan.

Sure, fine with me.

Hey, by the way,

if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo,

Sienna works there as a trainer.

So she works at the zoo?

So she works at the zoo?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like Dian Fossey, huh?

You know, she's the only person

that's ever been accepted into gorilla society.

And you know, once those gorillas accept you,

you got it made in the shade.

ELAINE: Hey, so how long have you been a Devils fan?

PUDDY: Since I was a kid. I'm from Jersey.

Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight.

Ain't no way, man.

Yes.

We're primed.

All right, you almost ready?

'Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.

'Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be here any second.

What the--?

So what do ya think?

What is that?

I painted my face.

You painted your face?

Yeah.

Why?

Oh, you know, support the team.

Well, ya can't walk around like that.

Why not?

Because...

it's insane?

They gotta know you're there. This is the playoffs.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yah!

Hey.

Hi.

Dave's, um...

painted his face.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

You gotta support your team, huh?

Okay, ready to go?

Let's get it on!

All right! Go, Devils! Go, Devils!

Let's go, Devils!

Come on!

[ORGAN PLAYING FESTIVE MELODY]

You stink, Messier!

You stink, Messier!

We're gonna get you, Messy Ass!

Will you sit down?

Hey, man, I'm just tryin' to support the team.

David, will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause you're a Rangers fan,

and you know I'm messin' with their heads.

Yeah! Let's go!

[SIREN BLARING]

ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO]: Devils' goal!

Stephane Richer scores from just inside the blue line.

And the Devils take--

[RADIO SILENCES]

Well, you know I could have actually gone to that.

Well, you know I could have actually gone to that.

So why didn't you?

Well, didn't wanna break our date.

Oh. Well...

Because I...

I love you.

You know? I'm hungry.

Let's get something to eat.

[GUFFAWS]

We took it to ya.

You couldn't get it outta your zone all night.

We were aggressive. We didn't let you penetrate!

Yeah, all right. That's enough outta you.

There's still three more games left in this series, my friend,

There's still three more games left in this series, my friend,

and it's far from being over.

Very far from being over. Watch out!

Hey, what are ya doin'?

Watch where you're drivin', man!

Don't mess with the Devil, buddy!

We're number one. We beat anybody.

We're the Devils!

The Devils!

[HISSES]

El diablo.

Dios mío...

!¡El diablo!

JERRY: "I'm hungry.

Let's get something to eat."

Let's get something to eat."

Yep.

Big matzo ball.

Huge matzo ball.

Those damn "I love you" returns.

Well, it's all over, I slipped up.

Oh, you don't know.

You know how fast these things deteriorate

when there's an "I love you" outta the bag?

You can't have a relationship

where one person says, "I love you,"

and the other one says,

"I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

"I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

Unless you're married.

I mean, now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her.

Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.

No, people hate that.

You want somebody who doesn't like ya.

Ideally.

Look, I am never saying "I love you" again

unless they say it first.

Matzo ball soup.

That would be me.

Hey, Jerry?

Hey, Jerry?

You're a smart guy, right?

No question about it. All right.

I was supposed to go on this special tour today

with George's girlfriend.

At the zoo? Yeah, but...

before I met up with her,

I stopped to look at the monkeys,

when all of a sudden,

I am hit in the face with a banana peel.

I turn and look,

and there is this monkey really laughin' it up!

Then someone tells me that he did it.

Well, I pick up the banana peel,

Well, I pick up the banana peel,

and I wait for that monkey to turn around,

and then I...whack...

let him have it.

Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?

Well, he started it!

It's a monkey, Kramer.

Well, he pushed my buttons. I couldn't help it, Jerry!

Well, I still think it's wrong.

All right, all right, fine.

Take the monkey's side, all right, go ahead.

I'm not takin' anyone's side!

I know what happened, Jerry.

Oh!

Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?

Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?

No.

Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?

What am I gonna call him for?

I thanked him five times when he gave them to me.

No, no, no! You gotta call him the next day.

It's common courtesy.

No, I don't believe in it.

I'm takin' a stand against all this over-thanking.

Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.

Hey, if I knew I had to give him 8 million thank-yous,

I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place.

You know what this is gonna do?

He's gonna be upset because you didn't call,

we won't get Friday night tickets.

Ah, you're outta your mind.

Where are you going?

I gotta get a suit cleaned. I have a funeral on Friday.

I gotta get a suit cleaned. I have a funeral on Friday.

Who died?

Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer

so I would buy him the toupee?

So he actually had it?

No, car accident.

He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving,

and he lost control of the car.

[ORGAN PLAYING SOLEMN MELODY

That poor priest.

He was just visiting from El Salvador.

Now he's gone completely loco.

The one Puddy screamed at in the car?

Yeah.

He thinks he saw the devil.

He won't leave his room in the church basement.

Well, that's what you get

for gettin' mixed up with a face painter.

I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being

to do something like that?

[IMITATES PUDDY] Gotta support the team.

[WOMEN SOBBING]

You know, I really hate my clothes.

Mmm.

I open up my closet, there's just nothing.

Nothing. I hate everything I have.

I really hate it.

[SOBBING CONTINUES]

I mean at this point, it's...

It's like I can wear something three or four times, that's it.

It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Alec.

Did you see that?

What kind of a hello was that?

MAN: Oh, Mr. Kramer. KRAMER: Yes.

Thanks for coming.

So, uh...

what did you wanna see me about?

Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it...

we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.

Barry?

The chimpanzee.

The chimpanzee.

Oh. Well, uh...

what's the problem?

Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does.

He seems depressed.

He's lost his appetite.

He's even curtailed his auto-erotic activities.

And we think this is directly related

to the altercation he had with you, the other day.

So? So, what do you want me to do?

Well, frankly...

we'd like you to apologize.

Yeah, well, he started it.

Yeah, well, he started it.

Mr. Kramer, he's an innocent primate.

So am I!

What about my feelings?

Don't my feelings count for anything?

Oh, only the poor monkey's important.

Everything has to be done for the monkey.

Look, I'm sorry. I, uh...

Hey, uh, that's okay, um...

Well, I've got to go feed the marmoset.

You know, George really likes you.

I don't...

Oh, she doesn't hear too well out of her left ear.

Oh, she doesn't hear too well out of her left ear.

Oh.

JERRY: I mean, do you think it's possible

that he's mad at me because he didn't get

the day-after thank-you?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You were at a funeral, right?

Yeah.

Well, people never give a good hello at a funeral.

I mean, they go like this.

That's the biggest.

Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what he gave me.

Yeah, they can't go, "Hey, you look fabulous!"

Hey.

Hey.

Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.

Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.

Girlfriend, yeah, right.

Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry.

Barry?

The monkey.

Well?

Nothin' doin'.

Jerry, I didn't do anything.

It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.

Yeah, well, I don't think that's gonna happen.

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, George, I tried to put the good word in for you

with Sienna, but I don't think she heard me.

Ya know...left ear?

What?

Yeah, her boss told me

that she can't hear very well out of her left ear.

that she can't hear very well out of her left ear.

What, you didn't know that?

Oh, my God.

What?

She probably never heard it.

Don't you see what this means?

It-it-it's like the whole thing never happened.

It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the Earth

to save Lois Lane!

Well, are you gonna say it again?

That's the question, Jimmy.

I'm gonna do it.

What?

After what you just went through.

I thought you said you'd never say it again.

I'd like to say it once to someone

that can actually hear it!

GEORGE: Yeah!

What? What's goin' on?

Oh, he's gonna talk into her other ear.

Oh.

All right, well, listen, I almost forgot to ask you.

What happened at the funeral?

Now, did you talk to Alec Berg?

Yeah, yeah, I saw him.

Yeah, yeah, I saw him.

So he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh?

Uh, not exactly.

He's mad, isn't he?

See, I knew it. Huh?

I don't know if he's mad.

All right, what happened when you saw him?

Well, I didn't really get a good hello.

But, see, I was at a funeral. Ah-ha.

See, so I don't know if I got a funeral hello,

or he was mad 'cause he didn't get his day-after thank-you.

See, I told ya, Jerry, I told ya!

What do ya want me to do?

I want you to get on this phone

and give him his thank-you.

No.

No, I can't.

No, I can't.

Jerry, this is the way society functions.

Aren't you a part of society?

Because if you don't wanna be a part of society,

why don't you just get in your car

and move to the East Side!

Look, we got five hours before the game.

I am betting it was a funeral hello.

He knows we're here, he knows the number,

he knows we want to go.

There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.

You stubborn, stupid, silly man!

PUDDY: Hey, great dip, you make this?

No, it's from the store.

Oh.

How come people don't have dip for dinner?

Why's it only a snack? Why can't it be a meal, ya know?

I don't understand stuff like that.

[CROWD CHEERING OVER TV]

David...

David, I think we oughta talk.

All right, that's cool.

David, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

You gotta be kiddin'. How come?

Well, you see, David...

you're a face-painter.

Yeah, that's right.

Well...it's...

It's not that I don't like you,

but, um... well, to be perfectly honest,

I'm just havin' some trouble getting past the face-painting.

Well, all right, so you don't like the face-painting.

Well, all right, so you don't like the face-painting.

I just won't paint it anymore.

Yeah, b--

But you like the face-painting.

Well, I don't need to do it,

it's not like a habit or anything.

Oh.

You mean you'd... You'd stop it for me.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh.

That's so...

That's so sweet!

Yeah. Come here.

All right, I gotta go home and get changed before the game.

I'll be back, we'll make out.

I'll be back, we'll make out.

Sienna...

I love you.

Yeah, I know.

I heard you the first time.

Yeah.

Just confirming.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

No, I was expecting somebody else.

Listen, I'm sorry. I can't talk now.

I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later.

Yes, I know, I have call-waiting,

but I don't trust it in an emergency. Goodbye.

KRAMER: Anyway, I, uh...

I just wanna say that I'm sorry.

I, uh...

I lost my temper, and I probably shouldn't have.

I took it out on you, and...

Look, if I've caused you any problems

as a result of my behavior,

as a result of my behavior,

well, then, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

Even though you know, Barry, between me and you,

we both know that you started it.

I mean who's kidding who?

But they tell me that you're very upset,

and God forbid I should disturb the very important monkey.

I'm just hoping we can put this behind us.

Let's just move on with our lives, okay?

So no hard feelings?

What is that?

That's the letter D.

Why is the letter D painted on your chest?

At the game tonight, me and these five other guys

are going to take our shirts off and spell out "Devils."

But you said no more painting.

No, I said no more face painting.

And, as you can see, this is not my face.

And, as you can see, this is not my face.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, did he call?

No.

Oh, come on, Jerry.

Come on! This is stupid.

It's 6:00! It's all over.

Just pick up the phone and thank him!

All right!

Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

You know, you've got a great John Houseman name.

You know, you've got a great John Houseman name.

[SNOOTILY] Alec Berg.

Did you hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?

Uh, what can I do for you, Jerry?

Well, Alec, the reason I called is I-I just wanted to, um....

thank you for the tickets from the other night.

I wish you'd called me earlier.

I could've given you my tickets for tonight.

You already gave them away?

Yeah. But you know what, I have got a friend, uh,

he's got a couple of seats, if, uh...

you don't mind nose-bleed, they're yours.

No, we just wanna go.

There is one little catch, though.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, great game, huh?

Let's go, Devils!

Let's go! Stand up!

Come on! Do it! Do it!

Come on! D! D!

E.

V.

I!

L!

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Ajá, bueno.

Hello, Father.

!¡Ah!

!¡La Madona!

La Madre del Cristo.

Yo estoy listo.