Original subtitles

How about the little scam

the airlines have going now with these special clubs.

Hundred and fifty dollar a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts,

drink coffee and soda and read magazines.

Excuse me, isn't this the flight?

I already got four hours of this coming to me.

What am I paying for?

How about an I-got-all-my-luggage club?

Can I get into that? Where is that club?

I would like to join that club.

Airlines love to divide us up into classes.

You know, like when you're sitting in coach,

You know, like when you're sitting in coach,

they always have the stewardess

close that stupid curtain, you know?

They always give you that little look like,

"Maybe if you had worked a little harder."

JERRY: What time does your flight get in?

Six? All right. That gives us 6 hours.

Then I'll meet you at the Diplomat's Club.

I'll be the one without the big red sash.

Okay.

See you tonight.

Is that the supermodel?

Yep.

She not gonna be back for a month,

but I have 6 hours.

I thought you had a show in Ithaca?

I do. But it's 3:00.

I'm flying right back.

Then I'm gonna meet Bridgette

at the Diplomat's club in the airport.

Well, guess what I'm doing?

I'm going to Mr. Pitt's,

and I am telling him that I am quitting.

and I am telling him that I am quitting.

So, that's it?

You know I never even met the guy.

I had enough. I am marching in.

You're marching in.

I'm marching.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Elaine's quitting. Really?

I'm marching in.

I've done the march-in. Best feeling in the world.

How about the march-out?

Not as good.

That's when you realize all the money you're losing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, boy. Okay, that's it.

Wish me luck. Yeah.

Get a march going.

Get a march going.

March it.

Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.

Why?

Well, I wanna put a picture

of me and my boss, Mr. Morgan,

up in the office.

What for?

Well, he's reorganizing the whole staff,

and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.

Isn't putting his picture on your desk

a little transparent?

It better be.

Mr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.

One second, Elaine.

Mr. Pitt--

Elaine, do you know what I just did?

Elaine, do you know what I just did?

I've just amended my will

to include you as a beneficiary.

What?

Well, I think of you as part of my family.

You've come to be like a daughter to me,

and I want to make sure that you're taken care of

after I'm gone.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Pitt.

[COUGHS]

I feel a cold coming on.

Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?

No, Mr. Pitt. You mustn't.

You have to check with the pharmacy

before you mix any of your medicine.

Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.

Yes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.

We don't want anything to happen to you, Mr. Pitt.

We want you to live a long, long time.

GEORGE: Look at that. I only got one picture left.

Uh... You know what?

How about a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?

Why?

Why?

Because we're a team. Come on.

Would you take this for us, dear?

Thank you very much. Here we go.

Anyone ever tell you

you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard?

Excuse me?

Yeah, you must hear that all the time.

I suppose we all look alike to you.

I suppose we all look alike to you.

Right, Costanza? What?

What? No, no, no, no.

Not a racial thing.

There really is a resemblance.

Don't you think he looks like Sugar Ray?

Come on, somebody.

Back me up.

Come on.

A little-- Little help.

Maybe he looks a little like Sugar Ray Leonard.

A little? Come on.

No, you still shouldn't have said it.

You really think that Morgan thinks I have a racial bias?

Maybe.

Maybe.

That is so unfair.

I would have marched on Selma if it was in Long Island.

So you would have marched on Great Neck?

Absolutely.

I still might.

I always hated those girls. They would never date me.

Hey.

Hey, there you are.

So, you ready? For what?

He's taking me to the airport.

No, we got a few minutes.

Oh, okay.

What, you got no luggage?

This is it.

I'm only going for the day.

I just gotta stop by the drugstore

and pick up a toothbrush.

Okay.

Hey, Kramer, who does that look like?

Hey, Kramer, who does that look like?

I don't know.

Come on, come on.

Not salt, but...

What, Pepper Johnson?

No.

Sugar Ray Leonard.

Oh, no way.

All right. I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you the next three people I ask,

two of them will say that it looks like Sugar Ray.

How much?

Hundred dollars, $200, $1000--

Hey, wait a second. What are you doing?

You're not betting.

You know he's not supposed to bet.

Come on, Jerry, it's a lock.

Kramer, you've had this thing under control

Kramer, you've had this thing under control

for almost three years now.

Don't start again.

But it's a lock, Jerry.

No.

What are you gonna do about Morgan?

You know what would be great?

If he could just see me with some of my black friends.

Yeah, except you don't really have any black friends.

And outside of us, you don't really have

any white friends either.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

JOE: Yes?

Hello, Joe?

Who is this? It's me.

George Costanza.

Who?

Who?

You remember? I-I was here a while back.

We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's together?

What do you want?

Well, I've rented another video, Joe,

and there's some popcorn.

I thought we could do it again.

Go away.

Remy.

Hi.

You.

What are you doing here?

Well, I've got another Audrey Hepburn movie.

Remy, is that you?

Daddy, that man's here again.

Remy, I want you up here instantly.

You know, Remy, I was just thinking,

the last time we were together, you--

the last time we were together, you--

Oh, that's great.

You know what? Leave it alone.

Pull the car around. We'll meet outside.

You sure?

Yeah, I'll take care of it.

Throw that in there, too, would you?

Excuse me.

I take heart medication.

What would you recommended for a runny nose?

Take a antihistamine.

They're over there.

It's all right to take?

Oh, yeah, they're great.

Oh, yeah, they're great.

What about appetite suppressants?

Uh, I just saw them.

Oh, here. Here you go.

Thank you, young man.

Have a good day, sir.

So, this your swanky Diplomats' Club.

I don't see Katie anywhere.

Oh, what's this? A fellow club member?

No, she's this woman

who's booking me on these college tours.

She thinks I'm some kind of big celebrity

that has to be pampered

and explained every little thing.

Yeah, I'm gonna get some snacks...

before my flight.

Jerry.

Oh, hi, Katie.

You found the airport all right?

Yes, I followed the planes.

I see you're having coffee.

Just so you know, they also have decaf, as well,

and I talked to the hostess.

They'll also be serving coffee on the plane,

along with a selection of cocktails and soft drinks.

Thanks.

Thanks for telling me.

What's going on?

I'm Lenore Walker, Mr. Pitt's estate lawyer.

I arrived to discuss his will

and found Justin had collapsed on the floor.

and found Justin had collapsed on the floor.

Oh, my God.

Who are you?

This is the girl I want to

put in my will. Elaine, I--

Please rest, Mr. Pitt.

You're the assistant.

Why weren't you here taking care of him?

Well, he gave me the morning off.

I was doing a little...shopping.

Uh-huh.

How did this happen?

He Took a very dangerous combination

of prescription heart medicine and these other pills.

Mr. Pitt, you were supposed to talk to the pharmacist.

I spoke to somebody who worked there.

I spoke to somebody who worked there.

Oh, I'm gonna go and call that pharmacy.

How well do you know her?

KATIE: Jerry, listen, just so you know,

before we take off they're gonna tell us

what to do in a crash.

Yes, I know. I've flown before.

Oh, good I just didn't want you to freak out.

The chance of a crash is very slim.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?

No.

Because even if you have to go a little,

you better go now, because you won't get

you better go now, because you won't get

another chance until well after take off.

Hey, how you doing?

Pretty good.

Name's Kramer.

Earl Haffler. Nice to meet you.

I'm headed to Houston. Where are you headed?

Oh, I'm happy right here.

Isn't this place amazing?

Planes flying in from all corners of the world,

and they know the minute when they're arriving.

Oh, they don't know a darn thing.

That's why my flight to Houston has been delayed.

That's why my flight to Houston has been delayed.

They're all morons.

As a matter of fact, I'll bet you

that that flight to Pittsburg takes off

before my flight to Houston.

Bet? Um, no, I'd better not.

Friendly wager.

I haven't made a bet in three years.

I don't-- Oh, come on.

Keep things interesting, pass the time.

Okay. How much?

How about 200.

You're on, cowboy.

How you doing?

Okay.

Nice day today.

What?

I'm George. George Costanza.

You live around here?

MAN [ON PA]: Now arriving at gate 12.

This could be Mexico City.

Come on, Seattle. Let's go.

Come on, Mexico City.

Seattle, Seattle.

Flight number 42 from Mexico City.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

All right, come on. Let's go again.

Let's go again.

Mr. Pitt, do you need anything?

No.

You need to sit up.

Why don't I get you a pillow.

Okay.

It's a pretty full house.

It's a pretty full house.

The lighting guy's name is Lou.

He's got a birthday next week.

I don't care.

By the way, Jerry,

I don't want you to freak out,

but the pilot is going to be in the audience.

Who?

Remember the plane we took here?

The pilot is going to be sitting out there,

watching the show.

I don't care.

Why are you telling me this?

I just didn't want you to freak out

when you saw him.

Why would I freak out?

Pilot.

ANNOUNCER: All right, ladies and gentlemen,

a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

Hey, all right.

Good afternoon, Ithaca.

Welcome.

Good to see you here.

Boy, I tell you, I noticed

there's a lot of those orange cones

you have out on the thruway on the way--

Up here, uh...

Um, I was-- I-- I-- Uh...

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

It didn't go very well, did it?

No, it didn't.

And you know why?

Seeing that plot in the audience

really freaked me out.

I knew it.

If you hadn't mentioned anything,

I would have been fine.

I became obsessed with him.

Why did I invite him? Stupid, stupid.

When he asked for tickets, I should have said no.

I'm gonna go chew him out.

Oh, it doesn't matter now.

Don't worry, Jerry. I am on top of this.

Yeah, yeah, you're on top of it.

Yeah, yeah, you're on top of it.

And I'm on the bottom!

Well, Mr. Kramer,

looks like you're in the hole $3200.

Will that be cash or check?

Come on, one more bet.

Double or nothing, huh?

All right.

But I wanna see some cash on the table.

All right. Let me call my bank.

All right, you stay here.

[RINGS]

[RINGS]

Hello.

Uh, yeah, it's, uh, me.

Hey, what's up?

Uh... All right, listen, I need some cash.

What for?

I just need it, that's all.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me.

You're gambling again, aren't you?

Oh, you weak, weak man.

Where are you?

I'm at the airport.

The airport? We've been betting

on arrivals and departures. God.

But I'm down 3200 bucks,

so you gotta get me some cash.

I don't have that kind of dough.

Sure you do.

Sure you do.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not the bag.

Help me, man. I'm desperate.

All right, all right.

PILOT [ON INTERCOM]: Sorry for the delay, folks.

There is a slight complication, but we're taking care of it,

and we'll be on our way to LaGuardia.

What is the complication?

Mr. Seinfeld. Yes?

I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked

that you leave this plane.

What?

Apparently he has some sort of problem with you.

I'm not surprised.

I'm not surprised.

I really let him have it, Jerry.

He had no business being in your audience

if you didn't want him there.

I didn't care.

Well, now the pilot doesn't want you

on his plane.

He can't just throw me off the plane.

Yes, he can.

If he has cause to believe that a passenger

will be a disturbance.

But I'm not a disturbance!

Well, apparently you are disturbing him.

But someone is waiting for me.

I don't want you to freak out.

I'm freaking out!

I am freaking out!

There's a flight leaving at 8

and another one leaving at 8:30.

Which one do you want?

Which one do you think I want?

The 8 will get you in a little earlier.

Then we'll make it the 8.

Okay. I'll book a hotel.

Do you want a standard room or a mini suite?

Hotel?

It's 8 in the morning.

No, no, no, no.

I have to get home tonight.

Bridgette's gonna be waiting for me

at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.

Midsize, luxury, or sports model?

Midsize, luxury, or sports model?

What's your preference?

I don't have a preference, okay?

Just make a decision yourself. All right?

Stop bothering me with every minor detail.

Please?

Okay.

You're the big celebrity.

[RINGS]

Hello. George.

Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?

I'm still here.

I'm still here.

Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club--

Jerry?

Jerry, what was the name of that exterminator

who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?

Karl, I think.

Karl, yeah, yeah.

He was a nice guy.

Yeah, he was a nice.

What company was it?

Defend.

Yeah, you know, we spoke for a little bit.

You need an exterminator?

No, not really.

Oh, don't tell me.

Because he's black?

Gotta go.

George, George!

[ON PHONE] Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?

[ON PHONE] Hello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?

Hold on.

Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you.

Hello.

Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor.

I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club

and meet Bridgette for me. I'm going to be late.

That's at the airport, right?

Right. I don't want Bridgette to think I stood her up.

I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out.

All right, all right.

You sound freaked out, yourself.

I am a little freaked out.

Calm down. I'll take care of it.

Calm down. I'll take care of it.

All right. You have to leave now.

I said I'll take care of it!

Kramer. Hey.

Okay, here it is. All right, good.

Here's my collateral.

So it's a mailbag.

So what?

NEWMAN: So what?

Do you know whose mail bag that is?

David Berkowitz.

Son of Sam.

The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

Where'd you get this?

I took over his route, and, boy, were there

a lot of dogs on that route.

Any of 'em talking to you?

Yeah, just to tell me to keep off the snacks.

Your buddy is a hell of a guy.

Yeah, don't I know it.

Okay, Cosmo, we're back in business.

Yeah.

Let's check out the board.

Now, uh, who do you like?

All right. How about Ithaca versus Boston?

All right. How about Ithaca versus Boston?

All right.

I'm gonna give you a sporting chance.

I'll take Ithaca.

Double or nothing.

Double or nothing.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Where are we?

I'm not sure.

Is this even a road?

Oh, we lost the road half-hour ago.

What? Why didn't you wake me up?

You told me not to bother you with minor details.

You told me not to bother you with minor details.

No road is a major detail.

Okay. Now I know.

Should I keep going or turn around?

Do you have a preference?

Look out!

May I help you?

I'm the exterminator.

Oh, yes, of course, come in.

Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment

or wear my uniform?

Yes, well, if the other people in the office

saw that I called an exterminator,

they would just panic.

they would just panic.

Jittery.

Besides, this is a sort of a friendly visit.

Karl, right?

Do I know you?

Yeah, sure. We met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment

when you fumigated for fleas over there.

Seinfeld?

Oh, yeah. Funny white guy, right?

Jerry?

Yeah, I suppose he is white.

You know, I never really thought about it.

I don't really see people in terms of color.

You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

Is Mr. Morgan in?

SECRETARY: Mr. Morgan left for dinner.

He left?

Huh.

Karl, you hungry?

MAN: Here is a new twist on carpooling.

Early this morning a lost Manhattanite

drove through a residential backyard

and wound up in a swimming pool

near Ithaca, New York.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger,

seemed a little freaked out.

That's it. No more questions.

I don't care. No, no!

I don't care. No, no!

That's him.

That's the man who gave me the pills

in the drugstore.

He's no pharmacist.

Seinfeld?

I know that name.

He called here earlier for Elaine.

Oh, by the way, order anything you want.

It's all on me.

Just do me, uh, a tiny favor.

Pretend we're old friends.

Pretend we're old friends.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Morgan, what a coincidence.

It's Mr. Morgan. Come here.

Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet

a dear old friend of mine,

Karl.

I'm the exterminator.

That's what we used to call him in high school,

"The Exterminator." He was a linebacker.

Oh, boy.

Oh, did we have some wild times.

Well, that Newman was your good-luck charm.

He sure was.

He sure was.

I should've quit at double or nothing.

Travelers check?

Oh, I accept.

Yeah, he worked in the cubicle right next to me.

We once double-dated.

Yeah.

You know, it's a pleasure doing business

with a gentleman like yourself.

Kramer?

Oh, Elaine, what are you doing here?

Jerry asked me asked me to meet his girlfriend here.

You hear about his plane in Ithaca?

No. What about the plane in Ithaca?

Oh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot.

Single-handedly delayed the plane a whole hour.

Single-handedly delayed the plane a whole hour.

Can you believe that?

Boy.

Your friend caused the delay?

Uh-huh.

You're a cheat.

What? No, no. Wait--

Nobody hustles Earl Haffler.

Oh, come on.

See you around, Cosmo.

What?!

Howdy, ma'am.

Poison you?

Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you. What?

What? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious?

He's never even met you.

He's never even met you.

You're fired, Elaine.

Good bye.

Good bye?

[INSTRUMENTAL RENDITION OF "THE WAY WE WERE" PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Bridgette!

Jerry, what happened?

I'm so sorry.

I got stuck out of town.

I missed our whole time together.

Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half-hour.

Really?

Oh, my God. It's him.

It's the pilot!

[♪]

I love this place.

You know Karl and I come here all the time.

Is that right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I come here all the time.

You wouldn't believe the rat droppings in the kitchen.

So you really are an exterminator?

This time, George, you sunk to a new low.

[BABBLING]

Check, please.

Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.

Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan?!