Original subtitles

The worse part about a car breaking down

is when you're out on the road,

you're a guy, 'cause now you have to get out

and pretend like you know what you're doing.

You gotta go, "All right, honey,

I'm gonna go check it out."

Walk around the front, open up the hood.

That's good 'cause it obscures her view.

That's the main reason you wanna do that.

You're lookin' in there.

You know, you're hoping you're going to see something in there

so simple, so obvious, so incredibly easy to fix,

even you can handle it,

even you can handle it,

like a giant on/off switch turned off.

So you're going out with David Puddy?

Yeah.

What, is that a problem?

Well, I think he could have asked me.

He's supposed to be a friend of mine.

I guess he figured you just wouldn't care.

It has been a few years.

Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates.

You don't want it to be someone you know,

and you don't want it to be someone better than you.

Now, even though the latter is obviously impossible...

Oh, God.

...the former still applies.

I don't know what it is.

I just can't see you with a mechanic.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Well, all those mechanics do is work all day

Well, all those mechanics do is work all day

with their hands and their big muscular arms on machines,

and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality

like Stanley Kowalski.

What a huge turnoff that is.

All right.

Hey, look at that.

They got lobster on the menu.

Who would order a lobster here?

I mean, do they bring a lobster in every day,

hoping today's the day?

So what if they have a lobster.

Suddenly you're a shellfish connoisseur?

Suddenly you're a shellfish connoisseur?

You know, I think we really need

to be in front of a television set.

You take TV out of this relationship,

it is just torture.

So...

I'm getting an eye job.

An eye job?

Ma, you don't need an eye job.

Georgie, I'm a divorcée.

No, you're not a divorcée.

You're just separated.

You're a separatée.

Well, I'm out there, George.

No, you're not out there.

I am too.

You're not out there.

You can't be because I am out there.

And if I see you out there,

And if I see you out there,

there's not enough voltage in this world

to electroshock me back into coherence.

Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday,

and I need you to drive me home

because I'll be all drugged up.

Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday.

Steinbrenner needs me--

This is the only time the doctor had.

Kramer, hey, hey! Hey, buddy.

Come on over here. I gotta go somewhere.

No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun, you.

All right. I'm sitting down.

How are ya?

So, Kramer,

I'm getting an eye job.

Oh. Yeah. Good for you.

Hey, you have to look your best.

You're out there now.

She's not out there.

So who's your doctor?

Uh, Bakersaul.

[WHISTLES]

He's good.

He's very good.

He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose,

turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday?

Tuesday? Uh...

Why doesn't he pick you up after the operation?

He's got the car with the bench seats that you like.

He's got the car with the bench seats that you like.

Oh, I don't care.

I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down

to that motor vehicle bureau, get my new plates.

Well, giddyup.

[WHIP CRACKING SOUND]

KRAMER: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates.

My name is Kramer.

Cosmo Kramer.

Kramer.

All right. All right.

Sign right here, please.

Okay.

Alrighty.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Assman?

No, no, these don't belong to me.

I'm not the Assman.

I think there's been a mistake.

What's your name again?

Cosmo Kramer.

Cosmo Kramer.

You are the Assman.

No, I'm not the Assman.

Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

[EXHALES]

[EXHALES]

How do you feel?

Fine.

Something the matter?

No.

No, what is it?

No, nothing.

Hey.

I was with David Puddy last night.

Yeah, so?

He did the move.

What move?

You know.

The move.

Wait a second.

My move?

David Puddy used my move?

Yes, yes.

Are you sure?

Jerry,

there is no confusing that move with any other move.

I can't believe it.

He stole my move.

He stole my move.

What else did you tell him?

The two of you must have had quite a little chat.

Oh, it wasn't like that.

I didn't even mention you.

You know, we were in the garage.

You know how garages are.

They're conducive to sex talk.

It's a high-testosterone area.

Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?

Well, I'm going down to that garage

to tell him to stop doing it.

W-- Wait a second.

What?

Isn't that a little...

rash?

No.

He stole my move.

He stole my move.

Yeah, but...

I like the move.

Yeah, but it's like another comedian

stealing my material.

He doesn't even do it exactly the same.

He uses a pinch at the end instead of the swirl.

Oh, yeah,

the pinch.

I've done the pinch.

That's not new.

Besides, I don't know how you can trust any of his moves now.

His whole repertoire could be lifted.

You know, it's strange because he's such an honest mechanic.

I know. He's probably the only honest mechanic in New York.

So he stole my move, and he's using it on Elaine.

You told David Puddy a move, and you didn't tell me.

I need a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry.

Give me a bite.

Can I just get it open first?

I can't believe you're hoardin' sex moves.

I'm out there rubbing two sticks together,

you're walkin' around with a Zippo.

All right, all right.

Here.

That's good. That's very good.

You feel better?

Yeah, much better.

So what's the move because I need something.

So what's the move because I need something.

This woman I'm dating,

it's like she's doing her nails during lovemaking.

Nancy Klopper? Yeah.

I've never seen anyone so bored.

I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan, somethin'.

I'd settle for a belch for God's sake.

All right, come on, let's have it.

All right, George, I'm gonna tell you.

But I just wanna make sure--

Yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm puttin' it in the vault.

It's not even a question of that.

The point is when something like this is passed along,

one must be certain that's going to be used

in a conscientious way.

This is not some parlor trick to be used--

Are you gonna tell me or not?

Are you gonna tell me or not?

All right.

On your bed, you got a headboard?

You'll need a headboard.

I got a headboard.

Is it padded?

No.

Good.

How tall is she?

Five foot four. Why?

You can't have more than a one foot differential

in your heights.

Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

George, if you can master this, you'll never be alone again.

Now the end is kind of an option.

Now the end is kind of an option.

I use the swirl.

I like the swirl.

I'm comfortable with the swirl.

I feel the swirl is a great capper.

He uses the pinch,

which I find a little presumptuous.

Is it a clockwise swirl?

I prefer it clockwise,

but it's not written in stone.

Ah!

There you go, buddy.

What is it?

It's Fusilli Jerry!

It's made from fusilli pasta.

See the microphone?

When did you do this?

In my spare time.

You know, I'm working on one of you, George.

I'm using ravioli.

See the hard part

is to find a pasta that captures the individual.

Huh.

Why fusilli?

Because you're silly.

You get it?

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, thank you very much.

Well, thank you very much.

So did you get your new plates?

Oh. Yeah, I got my new plates.

But they mixed 'em up.

Somebody got mine, and I got their vanity plates.

What do they say?

"Assman."

Assman?

Yeah, Assman, Jerry.

I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman.

Who would order a license plate that says Assman?

Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of woman.

It could be just some guy with a big ass.

Or it could be a proctologist.

Yeah.

Proctologist.

Oh, come on.

No doctor would put that on his car.

Have you ever met a proctologist?

Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor.

You meet a proctologist at a party,

don't walk away.

Plant yourself there because you will hear

the funniest stories you've ever heard.

See no one wants to admit to them

that they stuck something up there.

Never.

It's always an accident.

It's always an accident.

Every proctologist's story ends in the same way.

"It was a million-to-one shot, doc.

Million to one."

[PHONE RINGS] Oh, there's my phone.

So where you gonna stick this?

I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.

Hey, David.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hey, what's the story?

I hear you're doing my move.

What move?

What move. My move.

The one I told you about.

You used it on Elaine.

Your move? What, are you kidding?

I was doing that before I knew you.

I was doing that before I knew you.

All you told me about was the end.

The ending's the whole thing.

Without the ending it's nothing.

You had nothing.

Oh, that ending was so obvious.

I would have figured that out anyway.

I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.

Swirl.

I don't even do it.

I know. You do the pinch.

Yeah, that's right.

You can't come up with your own stuff

so you steal other people's?

You're nothing but a hack.

Are you through?

'Cause I gotta get back to work.

Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know,

if you want to do it out of town, okay.

But not in the city.

All right, how about the next time your car breaks down

All right, how about the next time your car breaks down

you take that out of town?

Fine. Good!

[RADIO PLAYING JAZZ]

[SIGHS]

[RATTLING]

[GEORGE GRUNTING]

NANCY: Ow! George!

What are you doing?

I'm, uh...

I'm, uh...

you know, uh...

pleasuring you.

Well, stop it.

You don't like the move?

No, I don't.

You're kidding?

No, I'm not.

It feels like aliens poking at my body.

Sorry.

I-I'll just go back to my usual routine.

ELAINE: Oh, God!

ELAINE: Oh, God!

Oh, God, David!

Oh, yes!

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What?!

I can't do the move.

What?

Ah, he's ruined it for me.

Well, oh. Oh, come on, please.

No, he called me a hack.

I'm just not into doin' it anymore.

Oh, so--

So that's it?

I'll come up with some new stuff.

"Call me. 36-24-46.

I think I have what you're looking for."

I must caution you about one thing.

You can't cry for at least 10 days.

You can ruin the operation.

Oh, okay.

Now is someone coming to pick you up?

Yes.

My son's friend should be here any minute.

Can I help you?

Yeah, Dr. Cosmo Kramer.

Proctology.

Oh, okay. Sure, doc.

Yeah, thanks.

Have a good day.

I just can't get over how fantastic you look.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, this takes 20 years off.

And it was all done by laser.

And it was all done by laser.

I don't even need bandages.

MAN: Yo, Assman.

Look at the Assman.

Did he say "Assman"? Oh, yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

MAN 2: Hey, the Assman's in town.

You got that straight!

Boy, I never dreamed it could make such a difference.

JERRY: Well, you must've done something wrong.

You probably screwed up the order.

Did you close with the swirl?

You're supposed to close with the swirl?

Oh, my God.

Yes, you close with the swirl.

There's a progression there.

I told you to write it down.

Yeah, yeah.

Should've written it down.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah.

Elaine. Yeah.

You know what? Do me a favor.

Don't even do the move anymore.

You're gonna give it a bad name.

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.

What?

$2,800?

That's the estimate on my car?

No, don't even do anything.

I'm gonna think about it.

Okay. Bye. What's to think about?

If Puddy says that's what it is, it's what it is.

He's not gonna cheat you.

Except it's not Puddy.

What happened to Puddy?

We had a little fight about the move.

I took it to this other place.

I think they might be trying to screw me.

Well, of course they're trying to screw you.

What do you think? That's what they do.

What do you think? That's what they do.

They can make up anything. Nobody knows.

"By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in here."

"Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."

Hey, Laney.

Yeah, yeah, hello.

Was it something I said?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

David Puddy won't do the move anymore.

Really?

Oh, he's come up with some other move.

You should see this thing.

What is it?

Oh, it's a lot of just fancy, shmancy stuff.

Oh, it's a lot of just fancy, shmancy stuff.

You know what it's like?

It's like a big budget movie

with a story that goes nowhere.

Huh.

I mean this move is no good, Jerry.

It's just takin' up a lot of my time.

And I...will not stand by

and allow him to perform this move on me

while a perfectly good move

is just sittin' in the barn doin' nothin'.

Let me ask you a question.

This new move?

Is there a knuckle involved in any way?

Yes.

Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.

I think that's mine.

I'm not surprised.

Listen. I need you to do me a favor.

When's the next time you're gonna see him?

Why?

You gotta get an estimate

on my car from him.

I think this garage is trying to screw me.

An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?

Well, look.

Here's the work order with everything that broke.

Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out.

What?

What is this?

What is this?

Oh, that's, uh...

Fusilli Jerry.

Fusilli Jerry?

Yeah, Kramer made it.

All right, listen.

I'll see you guys later.

All right.

Hey, Assman.

Hey!

Hey.

Well, this is Sally.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Shall we go?

Okay. All right.

ESTELLE: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.

You're not the only one improving yourself.

I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday.

I feel vigorous.

Just take your mail and go home.

I have things to do.

I got things to do too.

Don't upset me!

I can't cry!

Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?

Well, it's already working.

Kramer made a pass at me.

Kramer made a pass at you?

Kramer made a pass at you?

[CHUCKLES] You're crazy.

I'm not crazy.

He stopped short and made a grab.

He stopped short?

That's my move.

I'm gonna kill him.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Sure.

What do you charge for blown shocks?

What?

Two-, 300?

I don't know, maybe 500.

I don't know, maybe 500.

Ahhh.

[BOTH MOANING]

What about a bad gasket?

Bad gasket?

Yeah, like a terrible gasket?

[EXHALES]

What is all this?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm just...taking an interest in what you do.

What kinda car is it?

Oh.

Any kind of...

Any kind of...

Of, uh, Swedish car.

All together that could run about $1,600.

Oh.

Is that with the parts and labor?

Uh-huh.

Mmm.

ELAINE: Mmm, no.

Dave, no, please, not the knuckle.

[BOTH PANTING]

Well...

That was...

great.

I mean...

I mean...

wow.

That just came to me.

I mean, I've-- I've--

I've-- Never in my life have-- Have I...

What--? What was that?

You mean in the end?

Mm.

A counter-clockwise swirl.

What's that?

What?

On your hand. Let me see what's on your hand.

Nothing. It's a mole.

Gimme that. Let me see what's on your hand.

Just some dirt. I wanna see!

Number one?

Take her leg-- Oh, my God.

Take her leg-- Oh, my God.

Crib notes?

You've got crib notes?

It's a very complicated move.

I couldn't remember it all.

Oh, my God, you're sick.

You know, it's not the SATs!

Assman.

I'll give him Assman!

JERRY: Sixteen hundred dollars,

that's all?

Oh, they are ripping me off.

What are you going to do?

Well, that's it.

I'm going back to Puddy.

No move is worth this.

You don't care if he does the move anymore?

Are you kidding?

He can do every move I've ever done.

Do you know what a good mechanic is worth?

You can't compare that to sex.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi, Mr. Costanza, what's--?

Where's your friend, Kramer?

I don't know, why?

Because I'm lookin' for him, that's why.

He stopped short. What do you mean?

He stopped short. What do you mean?

In the car with my wife, he stopped short.

You think I don't know what's that about?

That's my own move.

I used it on Estelle 40 years ago.

I told everybody about it.

Everybody knows,

mmm, I stop short.

Really?

Stopping short?

That's a good move.

You're not kiddin' it's a good move!

Hey. Hey, Frank. JERRY: Hey.

Don't Frank me. I know what you did.

How dare you stop short with my wife?

Come on, Frank. Relax.

I don't even know what you're talkin' about.

Think I don't know?

Assman!

To think I almost split the profits

on the Mansiere with you.

Bro. Mansiere!

Bro! Mansiere!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, my God.

If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.

Me either.

They say this guy's the best.

He had to use corkscrew pasta.

Jerry, Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

The name on the boat. Look at it.

JERRY: "Assman"!

Yeah. He's the Assman.

Jerry, he's the Assman!

Which one is the son?

I am.

Ah. I'm Dr. Cooperman.

I just want you to know that this won't take long,

I just want you to know that this won't take long,

and he's going to be fine.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, excuse me. Uh...

You didn't by any chance

just recently get the wrong license plates?

Yes! I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau

to straighten it out.

So...you're the Assman.

FRANK: Million to one shot, doc.

Million to one.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to fix the stove.

I've been waiting for hours.

I fell on some fusilli.

Fusilli?

You know, the corkscrew pasta?

It was a fusilli Jerry.

It got stuck in me.

I had to go to the proctologist.

The proctologist?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, I was so worried.

Ma, don't cry.

Oh, I can't help it.

Ma, your eyes!

Oh!