Original subtitles

Buying shoes is one of the great shopping challenges.

Ever seen someone put on a new pair of shoes?

They turn into a zombie once they start walking around.

"Yeah, these are pretty good."

Then they have that little 1-foot-high mirror there.

What is that? To see what cats will think of my shoes?

What is that angle?

Bum passed out on the curb.

"Hey, what do you think of these?

I just got them. I've seen them from that angle myself."

I just got them. I've seen them from that angle myself."

GEORGE: That guy was amazing.

He could dunk. And he was my height.

What was his name again?

Jimmy.

Jimmy. Right.

JERRY: I don't know how you could forget.

He kept referring to himself in the third person.

"Jimmy's under the boards.

"Jimmy's in the open.

Jimmy makes the shot."

Ah, you're just mad because we beat you.

Jerry, it's my fault. I couldn't make a shot.

These losses stay with me.

They fester, Jerry.

No, this is gonna plague me.

Oh, mama!

Ow!

Hey! Jimmy!

Gee!

Great game!

Oh, yeah. Jimmy played pretty good.

Hey, you know, I felt like we had a synergy out there.

You know, like we were really helping each other.

Hey, what do you got there?

These? Yeah.

These are Jimmy's training shoes.

Yeah. I've seen these things.

What are they--? They make your legs stronger?

What are they--? They make your legs stronger?

Oh, yeah.

Jimmy couldn't jump at all before he got these.

Jimmy...was like you.

Huh.

They're plyometric.

GEORGE: Plyometric?

Yeah. They isolate the muscles.

The muscle has to grow or die.

Where you get them?

Jimmy sells them.

You sell them?

Oh, yeah. But Jimmy's all out right now.

Moving to Manhattan... set Jimmy back a bit.

Hey, listen. Let me give you my card.

It's got my home number on it.

I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in.

All right. All right, Jimmy, good talking to you.

Jimmy will see you around.

What day is today?

Oh, Tuesday.

Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today.

Mr. Wilhelm called a big meeting.

I'm going to be sweating the whole time.

Why? You took a shower.

It wouldn't take.

Ten minutes from now I'll be sweating all over again.

I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump.

Well, you ought to take cold showers.

Cold showers? They're for psychotics.

Cold showers? They're for psychotics.

Well, I take them.

They give me a whoosh.

All right. I'll see you guys later.

So, what? Are you heading home?

No. Got a dental appointment.

Oh, what? Tim Whatley?

Yeah. Yeah, I got a checkup Thursday.

How do you like that.

You know, you really shouldn't brush 24 hours

before seeing the dentist.

[SPITS]

I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery.

Oh, no. You've got to eat before surgery.

You need your strength.

MR. WILHELM: I called this meeting because we have a problem.

For the last few months, someone has been stealing

equipment from the club.

Until recently, it's been little things:

bases, batting helmets, donuts.

But...two nights ago, they pulled a big one.

They took a pitching machine, a batting cage,

the infield tarp and all of Mr. Steinbrenner's vitamins.

Now, we have reason to believe it's an inside job.

So if anybody here knows anything about it,

I recommend strongly that...you come forward.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Dr. Whatley's running a little late.

If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call you when he's ready.

All right.

ELAINE: Oh, okay.

Right. Thanks, Mr. Pitt.

Okay. Goodbye.

Hey. You want to go see the Velvet Fog?

The Velvet Fog?

Yeah, Mel Tormé.

That's his nickname.

What the hell is a Velvet Fog?

What the hell is a Velvet Fog?

Do you want to go or not?

Well, where is it?

He's performing at this AMCA benefit.

AMCA?

Able Mentally Challenged Adults.

I can't watch a man sing a song.

What, are you crazy?

They get all emotional. They sway.

It's embarrassing.

Well, what am I gonna do for a date?

Oh, do you know that, um-- That blond guy

who's always on the Exercycle at the health club?

I don't think so.

You know, he's really handsome, with those--

You know, he's really handsome, with those--

Elaine, I really don't...

pay much attention to men's faces.

You can't find beauty in a man?

No. I find them repugnant and unappealing.

Hey.

To wit.

What?

No, Elaine and I were just discussing

whether or not I could admit a man is attractive.

Hmm. Oh, I'll tell you who's an attractive man.

George Will.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he has a clean look.

Scrubbed and shampooed.

He's smart.

No, no, I don't find him all that bright.

So you got any cavities?

Just one. Yeah?

Gotta go back.

Oh, but get this.

Elaine, you will appreciate this. What?

I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room.

He's got a Penthouse right out on the table.

Penthouse?

Yeah. What is that?

I mean, isn't that sick?

I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment.

So, what's wrong with that?

He's a doctor.

He's a doctor.

I mean, it's supposed to be, like, a sterile environment.

So did you, uh, take a look?

Of course. But that's got nothing to do with it.

Well, I'll tell you.

I'm looking forward to my appointment on Thursday.

I might even get there a few minutes early.

[GASPS]

Hey.

Hey. Hey, listen.

Do either of you guys know that blond guy

whose always on the Exercycle at the health club?

whose always on the Exercycle at the health club?

You know, he's just really handsome?

I, uh-- I wouldn't know.

You know, just admitting a man is handsome

doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.

It doesn't help.

All right. Never mind.

I'll see you.

Hey. Hey.

You know those shoes that Jimmy had?

I cut a deal with him.

We're gonna import a case of them together.

Why are you doing that for? You got a job.

There's a lot of money in this.

There's a lot of money in this.

He's got a proven sales method.

Yeah? What's that?

He jumps.

Jimmy's got a backer.

Jimmy's jumping for dollars.

Jimmy and George are gonna get rich.

Will you stop with the Jimmys?

Hey, what is this?

Kung Pao.

Hot.

Ooh. Kung Pao!

ELAINE: Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Come on. I'm stretching right in front of you.

Hey, a smile.

Ha. We made contact.

All right.

One more stretch and then go talk to him.

You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.

Oh. Ha!

He is?

Oh, yeah. Jimmy's been watching you.

Oh, yeah. Jimmy's been watching you.

You're just Jimmy's type.

Oh. Really?

Jimmy's new in town.

Jimmy, uh, doesn't really know anyone.

Oh, well. I'd like to get to know him.

Jimmy would like to get to know you.

[GASPS]

You think Jimmy likes Mel Tormé?

Jimmy loves the Velvet Fog.

[SCREAMS]

TIM: Hey, Kramer.

Well, you're looking sharp there, Tim.

Yeah, well. I do what I can.

Yeah, well. I do what I can.

How have you been?

Oh, fine, good.

Yeah. I've just been occupying myself

with some of your, uh, reading material.

So, what will it be? Novocain?

Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

Why don't we just clear a path first. Yeah.

You remember Mr. Thirsty.

[SUCTIONING]

Ah. You too with these?

Yeah, I'm onboard.

So, what did Tim say?

[SLURRED SPEECH] Well, he said I gotta cut out the Skittles.

Looks like he gave you some Novocain.

Oh, I'm loaded.

What about the Penthouse? Did you ask?

Well, he said that, you know, it helps his patients

relax a little bit.

And he's got a new policy.

Adults only.

Adults only?

Yeah.

What the hell is going on over there?

You know, it's great.

You know? No kids allowed.

You know? No kids allowed.

You don't have to watch your language.

You find a need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?

Heh-heh.

When they pull that needle out, I let the expletives fly.

Hey, come on. Watch it.

You're drooling all over the floor.

How much Novocain did that guy give you?

I can't hold the water.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.

Jimmy's ready.

Jimmy's got some new moves. Go, Jimmy.

Check Jimmy out.

Oh!

Jimmy's down!

[GROANS]

MAN: It's pretty bad, man.

He's gonna be in traction.

Jimmy might have a compound fracture.

Jimmy's going into shock.

Why weren't you careful with your drool?

Hey, I'm doing the best I can.

Why are you taking it so personally?

Because if he can't jump, there goes my sneaker business?

Well, I said I'm sorry!

Jimmy's gonna get you, Kramer.

Jimmy holds grudges.

Let Jimmy go!

You know I can't feel anything.

You know I can't feel anything.

[SLURRING] Hey, taxi!

Taxi!

Okay. Go ahead. Go ahead.

You've got it.

He's got it.

Oh.

Please. Go ahead.

No, no. You were here first.

No, please. I insist.

I'll grab the next one.

I'll grab the next one.

Let's share.

We share, all right?

Yes. Let's.

That's a great idea.

Oh.

Oh!

MAN: My name is

Arnold Deensfrei.

[SLOWLY] What is your name?

Cosmo Kramer.

It's nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, Cosmo.

Are you heading home?

Yeah, heading home.

Mm. Good for you.

You're really independent.

You're really independent.

Well, you're not doing too bad yourself.

Yeah! [CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

Anyway...Jimmy, uh, couldn't be here today.

So he asked me to fill in for him.

And...I'm sure that you'll be impressed

at what can be accomplished after only

a few short days of training.

Heh-heh.

Here we go.

[STRAINING]

[STRAINING]

KRAMER: The Velvet Fog.

What about the Velvet Fog?

What about the Velvet Fog?

Well...he's singing at a benefit.

And I'm gonna be sitting at his table.

Oh. I'm going to that.

I'm a guest of honor.

What are you talking about?

Well, this afternoon I shared a cab with this...Deensfrei.

Yeah, yeah. Arnold Deensfrei.

He runs the AMCA.

He runs the AMCA.

Well, okay. That's the guy.

He's organizing the dinner.

I know that. But why are you going?

Well, because we hit it off.

And he was very impressed with what I do.

What you do?

You don't do anything.

Well, apparently I do something, because I'm sitting

at the head table with Mr. Mel Tormé!

[SIGHS]

What are those?

Oh, these are my vertical-leap training shoes.

Wait a second.

Were you wearing those shoes in the cab?

Yeah, yeah. Right after I left the Y.

Don't you see what happened here?

He couldn't talk.

He's wearing these shoes. He's drooling.

What?

He thinks you're mentally challenged.

Well...

You know...

What happens when you show up?

He'll see that you're not.

Not necessarily--

Not necessarily--

I know.

Cheryl, would you ready the nitrous oxide, please?

[INHALES]

[STRANGLED VOICE] It's good.

Where's Jennifer today?

Oh, she's over at Dr. Seisman's office.

Yeah, we find it fun to swap now and then.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

You just...take some deep breaths and...try to relax.

[CHAIR HUMS]

Woo!

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, man!

Oh, man!

Ah!

This is George.

Oh, Sport's Wholesalers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks for calling me back.

No, no, I still got the shoes. Lots of them.

Yeah. This is beautiful athletic gear.

Oh. I'm sorry. I've got to call you right back.

Yeah. All right.

Mr. Wilhelm.

So, George...have you heard anything

about the missing equipment?

No, no. Not a thing.

You know, George, there's nothing I hate more than a liar.

Well, there's...no room for someone like that

in this organization.

Are you feeling all right, George?

Are you feeling all right, George?

Yeah, fine.

You look a little warm.

It's the chicken.

You're a terrible liar, George.

Look at you. You're a wreck.

You're sweating bullets.

It's the Kung Pao. Hm.

George likes his chicken spicy.

ELAINE: Maybe you were

still under the gas.

Maybe you were hallucinating you were coming out,

but you were still under the gas.

I don't think so.

I think they were getting dressed.

And not only that. My shirt was out.

Your shirt was out?

I think so.

Well, what kind of a shirt was it?

You know, like a tennis shirt.

You know, like a tennis shirt.

Oh. You don't tuck those in.

Sometimes I tuck them. Sometimes I don't.

Well, were you tucked?

I think I was tucked.

All right. Well, say you were.

I mean, what do you think could have happened?

I don't know!

But I was spitting out and rinsing

like there was no tomorrow.

Ugh.

Is this guy a dentists or Caligula?

What are you getting?

I don't think I'm hungry.

Okay. So you were violated by two people

Okay. So you were violated by two people

while you were under the gas.

So what?

You're single.

I'm damaged goods now.

Join the club.

Did you ever call that guy from the health club?

Oh, yeah. Jimmy.

Jimmy?

Mm-hmm.

That's the guy?

Yeah.

I can't believe you're going out with him.

Why?

I don't know. He's so strange.

How so?

How so?

Didn't you ever noticed he always refers to himself

in the third person.

Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town.

Jimmy will see you later.

No, no, wait a minute. That's not him.

That's the guy who gave me Jimmy's number.

That's Jimmy.

That's the way he talks.

I'm gonna go see Mel Tormé with him?

Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.

So, I have to go see Steinbrenner later.

So, I have to go see Steinbrenner later.

Mr. Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsible

for stealing all the merchandise.

Why?

Because when he questioned me about it, I was sweating

from the Kung Pao.

I don't know how you could eat that spicy chicken.

George likes spicy chicken.

What's that?

I like spicy chicken.

No, no. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

No, I didn't.

Yes. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

You're turning into Jimmy.

George is getting upset!

George is getting upset!

So, what did you want to see Jimmy about?

Well...Jimmy...

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

about tonight.

There's been a little misunderstanding.

Ha.

Jimmy doesn't like misunderstandings.

Yeah. Well, what happened was--

Jimmy and misunderstandings kind of clash.

You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way you do.

It's very unusual.

Well, Jimmy's very unusual.

Well, anyway...see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy--

Well, anyway...see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy--

Hey, look. Hank's got a new boyfriend.

Jimmy's not threatened by Hank's sexuality.

Jimmy's happy for Hank.

Elaine once tried to convert one.

But Elaine's not gonna go through that again.

I'm gonna go and try and find some candy.

You want some? Yeah.

What kind?

I don't care.

Hey, Jimmy. Hi, Elaine.

Elaine got a new dress.

Jimmy likes it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

There's no candy around here.

Hey, Jimmy.

Well...look who's here? Whoa.

That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy.

What?

That's the guy who took the bread

out of Jimmy's mouth.

Jimmy's out of work because of you.

Oh!

Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer! Come on, now!

Get your hands off Jimmy!

Jimmy's gonna get you, Kramer!

Hands off Jimmy!

Don't touch Jimmy!

Don't touch Jimmy!

Let go of Jimmy!

[SLURRING] Is my lip swollen?

Guy's got a problem.

No, no. I've been living alone a long time now.

Well, I think that's the tops.

[MUMBLING]

Okay.

[KNOCKS]

You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?

You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?

Yes, George, come in.

George, I've been your biggest supporter here.

And that's why I was disappointed to hear

that you've been pilfering the equipment.

George would never do anything like that.

No, why would I? I own it.

Right.

So, what are you saying?

Why would George steal from the Yankees?

He wouldn't.

Of course not.

Exactly.

I don't really know what the hell is going on here?

Sir? Nothing.

Sir? Nothing.

Well, I think it's about time for George's lunch.

Yes, it is.

All right. Let's see. What do I have today?

Oh, darn it. It's ham and cheese again.

And she forgot the fancy mustard.

I told her I like that fancy mustard.

You know, you could put that fancy mustard on a shoe,

and it would taste pretty good to me.

She made up for it with a cupcake though. Hey, look at this.

You know, I've got a new system of eating these things, George.

I use to peel off the chocolate.

Now, I turn it upside down. I eat the cake first and save...

MEL TORMÉ: Ladies and gentlemen...

I wanna dedicate this song to a very courageous young man.

I wanna dedicate this song to a very courageous young man.

♪ When you're smiling ♪

♪ When you're smiling ♪

♪ The whole world Smiles with you ♪

♪ When you're laughing ♪

♪ When you're laughing ♪

♪ When you're laughing ♪

♪ The sun comes Shining through ♪

♪ But when you're crying ♪

♪ You bring on the rain ♪

♪ So stop that sighing ♪

♪ Be happy again ♪

♪ Be happy again ♪

♪ Keep on smiling ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're smiling ♪

♪ The whole world Smiles with you ♪

♪ The whole world ♪

♪ Smiles ♪

♪ With ♪

♪ With ♪

BOTH: ♪ You ♪

Hey.

Got the new Penthouse.

Ah. Where's my Mr. Goodbar?

Yeah. Here you are.

Oh, here. Listen.

"Dear Penthouse,

"I'd like to tell you about an experience I recently had.

"As an avid reader, I've always wondered

BOTH: "if the letters are true.

"I'm a dentist.

"And one afternoon my hygienist and I decided

"to have a little fun with one of our patients.

"Of course, none of our patients had any idea

"Of course, none of our patients had any idea

"exactly what we were up to.

I was still wondering whether or not..."

[♪]