Original subtitles

The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be

the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea.

I mean, so, how does it work?

Okay. I'm on the line at the post office.

I see the guy. I see the list of offenses.

I check the guy standing in line behind me.

If it's not him...

that's pretty much all I can do.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Okay.

It's not that I don't wanna help.

You know, the annoying thing is, you think,

why didn't they hold onto this guy

when they're taking his picture?

No, we don't do it that way.

No, we don't do it that way.

We take their picture, and we let 'em go.

So we get the front and side shot.

The front is his face.

The side is him leaving.

Look at you. Why don't you use a fork?

You're no good with the sticks.

I know. I need a lesson.

You stink.

You know you stink.

What is this?

Ooh! My ballet tickets.

Oh, your ballet tickets.

Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?

No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

You know, I'm going as a beard.

A beard? Yeah.

This friend of a friend knows this banker guy.

He's, I don't know, 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous.

He's, I don't know, 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous.

Of course, he's gay.

Yeah. So,

anyway, his boss has this box at the Met.

And he invited him to go see Swan Lake

with him and his wife,

but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation,

so I'm going along as his date.

Why are you doing this?

Swan Lake, at the Met.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

GEORGE: Get it on with your bad self.

[SNIFFS]

Ooh.

Chinese food.

Chinese food.

I knew I smelled somethin'.

Hey!

Is George still wearing that toupee? Yeah.

Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?

I think he looks fantastic.

[LAUGHING] Oh, come on.

No. I never realized what an attractive man he is.

Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

Hey!

People. People, people, people, people.

Not bad, huh?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

[GASPS]

All right.

Excuse me.

You look ridiculous in that thing.

Is that so?

Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried

that you may have missed the boat.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I think they might have sutured...

that thing...

to your brain.

[BOTH LAUGH]

All right. Go ahead. Deride.

Deride if you must.

But let me tell you something.

With my personality and this head of hair,

you know what I am now?

I am in the game.

I no longer defer to the coiffed. I'm a player.

KRAMER: You know, I just thought of something.

I know this gorgeous woman. She called me up this morning.

She's moving into the city,

and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet.

Now, you can go out with her.

Well, what about me?

No, I think he's got you beat, buddy.

So, she's gorgeous, huh?

So, she's gorgeous, huh?

Yeah, well, last time I saw her she was,

five years ago.

Well, you got a picture?

No. No.

Well, I have to see her.

Hey, I know what we can do. I got a friend.

He works over at the police station.

He's a composite artist.

Really?

Maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.

I would love that. You think he'd do it?

Yeah, yeah. I think he will.

It sounds like an excellent idea.

Hey, Jerry. You done with all this?

'Cause I'm gonna give it to a homeless person.

You know, I'm very excited about this.

I always wanted to see how these sketch artists do it.

I always wanted to see how these sketch artists do it.

Here you go, brother. Some food for you.

Thank you.

You're a good man. Bless you.

You gonna be here in an hour?

Where am I going?

All right. Enjoy.

Wait up!

Oh, that's good. That's good.

And make the eyes, um--

What's that nut?

Almonds? Almonds.

Yeah, That's it.

Can I see?

No, no. Not yet.

And make the lips fuller.

Poutier.

Poutier? I like that.

Can't go wrong with pouty.

I'm excited about the pouty.

All right. I think that about does it.

All right. I think that about does it.

All right, George. Come on. Take a look.

Oh, my God, you were right.

She is gorgeous!

Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?

Huh?

LOU: Oh, that's Sergeant Tierny.

Nice officer.

You wanna meet her?

Well, this worked out okay.

Hey, you gonna see that police woman?

Yeah, I think I will.

I like the idea of having the law on my side.

Hey, man. Did you enjoy the food?

Oh, yes, I did.

Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?

Listen.

I'll take that Tupperware now.

I'll take that Tupperware now.

I don't think so.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's mine.

You gave it to me. No, no, look.

I didn't say you could keep it.

See, I don't give away Tupperware.

You shoulda said something.

Well, I didn't think I had to.

Look, with a piece of Tupperware, you just assume.

Yeah!

I really gotta thank you for this.

The bank I work for is so conservative.

Oh, well, by now, you'd think

people would be a little more open-minded.

Oi.

Oi.

Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.

Okay. Great.

Sssso...

you and Robert, hmm?

Yup. Mm-hmm.

Really?

Yes, indeedy.

I'm surprised.

Really?

Why?

No reason.

Well, believe me. This didn't happen overnight.

Robert is not exactly a one-woman man,

if you know what I mean.

No, siree, Bob.

No, siree, Bob.

Sure, I mean, in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy.

He likes his sports.

But he counters that side

with the side you see here tonight

at the ballet or the pleasure he gets

watching Miss Liza Minnelli belt out a few choice numbers.

It's those two halves of his personality

that just come together

to make him the very special guy that he is.

Excuse me.

Oh. Hi, honey.

ELAINE: It was just such a great night.

Oh! And did they suspect anything?

Mmm.

No, I was a fantastic beard.

I held hands, I called him "honey."

And we discover yet another talent:

posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

Oh, it was just such a great night.

You said that already.

Oh, I did?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me.

You like him?

He's incredible!

Yeah, but--

Yeah. I-- I know.

So?

What?

Not conversion?

You're thinking conversion?

Well, it did occur to me.

You think you can get him to just change teams?

He's not gonna suddenly switch sides.

Forget about it.

Forget about it.

Why? Is it irrevocable?

Because when you join that team, it's not a whim.

He likes his team.

He's set with that team.

But we've got a good team.

Yeah, we do.

We do have a good team.

Well, why can't he play for us?

They're only comfortable with their equipment.

But we just got along so great.

But we just got along so great.

Of course, you did. Everyone gets along great

when there's no possibility of sex.

No, no, no. I sensed something.

I did sense something.

I perceived a possibility, Jerry.

You realize your venturing into uncharted waters.

I realize that.

Are you that desperate?

Yes, I am.

JERRY: Are you gonna bring your gun?

Yeah, I think you should leave it at home.

Yeah, I think you should leave it at home.

Well, I don't really know you that well.

What if we get into a fight or something?

You know, you lose your temper.

Who knows what you're capable of.

All right, then it's settled.

First date, no weapons.

All right. I'll see you then.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

What are you lookin' for?

Tupperware.

Sorry, I don't have any Tupperware.

See, I knew this was gonna happen.

I just made a delicious casserole,

I just made a delicious casserole,

but now it won't keep 'cause I have no Tupperware!

What about a plastic bag?

You must be kidding.

What is the difference?

The patented burp, Jerry.

It locks in freshness.

Hey-oh. Hey. Hey.

So, I, uh...

I spoke to your little friend Denise last night.

Oh, yeah. You talked, huh?

Yeah. For two hours.

She's nuts about you.

Yeah, well, we go way back, you know.

Why didn't anything ever happen between you two?

Why didn't anything ever happen between you two?

Who's to say it didn't?

Chk!

So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?

Yes, I did.

What did you say?

What do you think I said?

I don't know.

I told her the truth.

As you see it.

Yes, as I see it.

Did you tell her about your little hat there?

What hat?

You know, your little hair hat there.

You know, your little hair hat there.

No.

Don't you think she could tell?

No, no, no. She can't tell.

It's a perfect match.

Beautiful job.

Are you kiddin'?

I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

You only think that because you know me.

Have you noticed people staring at your head?

I notice people staring at my head

because they like what they see.

I think you should either take it off

or tell her about it.

He's not gonna take it off.

If he was gonna go over bald,

I wouldn't have introduced them.

All right, look. I guarantee she won't know.

All right, look. I guarantee she won't know.

Yeah. That's it.

I'm gonna go down to the precinct.

I'm gonna have lunch with Lou.

Oh, I'll split a cab with you.

Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day, man.

Really sorry.

Hey! That's my coffee.

JERRY: Hi, sarge.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

Some of our lineup decoys didn't show, so...

Hey, any of you guys want to be in the lineup?

Make a quick 50 bucks?

Sure. I will.

Perfect. Okay.

Perfect. Okay.

Just go right over there with Officer Lampart.

Oh, all right.

MAN: All of you, turn to the left.

The left.

Now, turn to the right.

[HUMMING]

GEORGE: Oh, my God. There she is.

That's the face.

Just like the picture.

George? Yeah.

Hi.

It's great to meet you.

Likewise.

Have you been waiting long?

No, no, no. I just got here two minutes ago.

Good, good.

Well, why don't you take off your hat, stay awhile?

[CHUCKLES]

What's that?

Polygraph.

What you civilians call a lie detector test.

Oh, all right. Let me ask you.

Now, when someone is lying,

is it true that their pants are actually on fire?

If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here.

Get out.

A certain cast member of Melrose Place.

Really?

Have you ever seen the show?

Have you ever seen the show?

No.

You can admit it, Jerry.

It's okay.

I'd admit it.

I don't watch it.

Hey, Lou.

Maybe we should put him on the poly.

The poly?

Yeah.

I think you've seen it.

ELAINE [LAUGHING]: Melrose Place?

Yes. Melrose Place.

[LAUGHS]

I just didn't know you watch that.

Well...I do.

I mean, every time I've mentioned it,

you never say anything or join in the conversation.

Well, maybe I was a little embarrassed.

You mean this whole time, Jerry,

we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane?

And Billy and Jake and Allison.

And Billy and Jake and Allison.

Yes, we could have discussed it.

Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

The point is, I'm gonna be taking this lie detector test.

And that needle's gonna be goin' wild.

[LAUGHS]

This is so stupid.

Why didn't you just confess?

It's too stupid to confess.

Look what I'm confessing to.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Maybe I could beat the machine.

Ohhh...

Who do you think you are?

Costanza?

Hey, you know what?

I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous,

deceptive minds of our time.

Who better to advise me?

Oh, God, this is terrible.

Did you shake it up?

No.

You gotta shake it up.

No. I'm sick of shaking.

You gotta shake everything.

Yeah, that's a real nuisance.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Oh, this is killin' me.

Yeah.

GEORGE: Yeah.

So, I'm going out tonight with Robert

So, I'm going out tonight with Robert

and the boss and his wife.

So, tonight you gonna make the move?

Yeah, I think I might.

Hey, there he is.

So, what happened?

Could she detect it?

It's an interesting question.

How so?

How so?

I'll tell you how so.

She's bald!

What do you mean, bald?

What do you think I mean, bald?

What do you think I mean, bald?

Bald!

"Bald" bald.

She's bald?

She's bald, Jerry.

[LAUGHS] Oh, come on.

"Oh, come on"?

No, come on.

She took off her hat, and there she was.

Hello!

It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

Well, maybe she got a haircut or something.

You know, let me tell you something.

No one walks into a beauty parlor and says,

"Give me the Larry Fine."

"Give me the Larry Fine."

Women go bald?

Yeah, I've heard of that.

I mean, they usually wear a wig.

Hey, buddy. JERRY: Hey.

Ha-ho...

You fixed me up with a bald woman!

[SPUTTERS]

Bald?

Yeah, that's right.

Do you see the irony here?

You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.

So?

You're bald!

You're bald!

No, I'm not.

I...

was bald.

Elaine.

KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Ah! Ah! Aah! Give it--

Don't--

No, no, no! No, Elaine!

I don't like this thing!

And here's what I'm doing with it!

No!

What about when you started that fight with me.

Well, I figured that's what couples do.

You almost convinced me we were a couple.

Oh, well, it was easy. Really.

Well, good night. I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, wait a second.

Um...

Would you like to come...

upstairs?

Upstairs?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Upstairs?

Elaine...

Well, I was-- I was hoping, you know, you...

You might be interested in...

changing teams.

"Changing teams"?

Have you ever thought about it?

But I'm a starting shortstop.

Robert...

we need a shortstop.

Real bad.

I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window,

I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window,

it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Good.

I feel like my old self again.

Totally inadequate, completely insecure,

paranoid, neurotic.

It's a pleasure.

It's good to have you back.

And you know what else I've decided to do?

I'm gonna keep seeing the bald woman.

She's as good as anybody else.

Scalp was clean.

She had a nice skull.

Just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

You know, you've had, like, a religious awakening.

You're like a bald-again.

You're like a bald-again.

[LAUGHS]

I need a little more coffee.

So, George, how do I beat this lie detector?

I'm sorry, Jerry. I can't help you.

Come on. You got the gift.

You're the only one that could help me.

Jerry, I can't.

It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

All right. Well, I gotta go take this test.

I can't believe I'm doin' this.

Jerry...

just remember:

It's not a lie...

It's not a lie...

if you believe it.

Hey! Hey.

I did it! What?

I turned him. He defected.

Get out.

How?

How did you do that?

'Cause I'm a woman.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom, chicky Boom, chicky ♪

♪ Boom-boom-boom ♪

Elaine, do you know what you've done?

You've given hope to every woman who's ever said

"too bad he's gay."

Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there.

Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there.

Anything is possible.

Indeed.

Jeromy, I have hit the jackpot.

The perfect man.

Nothing but sex and shopping.

What's your name?

Jerry Seinfeld.

What is your address?

129 West 81st street.

Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

I don't know.

Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?

Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?

I don't know.

Did Jane's fiancé kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas?

And if so, did she enjoy it?

I don't know.

Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

Yes!

Yes, that stupid idiot!

He left her for Kimberly! He slept with her sister!

He tricked her into givin' him half her business!

He tricked her into givin' him half her business!

And then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again!

I mean, she's crazy! How could she do something like that?!

I mean, that Jane! Oh, she just makes me so mad!

He went back?

What do you mean, he went back?

He went back.

I don't understand, you were having a great time.

The sex, the shopping.

Well, here's the thing:

Being a woman...

I only really have access to the...

I only really have access to the...

equipment...

What, 30, 45 minutes a week?

And that's on a good week.

How can I be expected to have the same expertise

as people who own this equipment...

and have access to it 24 hours a day...

their entire lives?

You can't.

That's why they lose very few players.

Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

Well, there's always a place for you...

on our team.

Yeah. Thanks.

Is Melrose Place on?

Yeah, comin' on in a few minutes.

Okay.

Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.

Hey, you know, George, I am really proud of you.

I really do admire what you've done.

Do you?

That makes me so happy.

That makes me so happy.

Elaine's proud of me, Jerry.

What is the matter?

I got rejected by a bald woman.

What?

A bald woman rejected me.

Huh?

You like that one?

A woman with no prospects

and no hair

told me that I wasn't her type.

Apparently, baldy likes a slimmer guy!

Well, I'll tell you what I think.

I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated.

I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated.

You blew it, boy!

You really blew it!

And you had to ruin it for him, didn't you?

I didn't ruin anything.

He looked like an idiot. No.

He did. And it made him act like a jerk.

All right. Shut up, shut up.

Melrose Place is coming on.

[THEME FROM MELROSE PLACE PLAYING]

Oh, that Michael. I hate him.

He's just so smug.

How you doin', Stu?

Eddie, my man.

You again?

Boy, you're a slippery one.

You better straighten up and fly right, buddy boy.

What do you got?

I got an eye witness to that jewelry store break-in.

Come here.

Do you recognize anybody in this line-up?

That's the guy, officer!

The guy there in the middle, the tall guy with the high hair.

The guy there in the middle, the tall guy with the high hair.

I'd recognize him anywhere.

Hey, you.

You with the high hair.

Step forward.

Me?