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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,464 --> 00:00:03,631 The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be 2 00:00:03,664 --> 00:00:07,131 the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea. 3 00:00:07,164 --> 00:00:08,464 I mean, so, how does it work? 4 00:00:08,498 --> 00:00:10,198 Okay. I'm on the line at the post office. 5 00:00:10,231 --> 00:00:13,098 I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. 6 00:00:13,131 --> 00:00:15,231 I check the guy standing in line behind me. 7 00:00:15,264 --> 00:00:17,398 If it's not him... 8 00:00:17,431 --> 00:00:19,231 that's pretty much all I can do. 9 00:00:19,264 --> 00:00:20,231 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 10 00:00:20,264 --> 00:00:21,531 Okay. 11 00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,531 It's not that I don't wanna help. 12 00:00:23,564 --> 00:00:25,464 You know, the annoying thing is, you think, 13 00:00:25,498 --> 00:00:27,031 why didn't they hold onto this guy 14 00:00:27,064 --> 00:00:29,031 when they're taking his picture? 15 00:00:29,064 --> 00:00:30,000 No, we don't do it that way. 16 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:30,298 No, we don't do it that way. 17 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,264 We take their picture, and we let 'em go. 18 00:00:32,298 --> 00:00:35,064 So we get the front and side shot. 19 00:00:35,098 --> 00:00:36,398 The front is his face. 20 00:00:36,431 --> 00:00:37,898 The side is him leaving. 21 00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:46,594 Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? 22 00:00:46,627 --> 00:00:48,227 You're no good with the sticks. 23 00:00:49,327 --> 00:00:50,460 I know. I need a lesson. 24 00:00:50,494 --> 00:00:51,827 You stink. 25 00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:52,927 You know you stink. 26 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,194 What is this? 27 00:00:54,227 --> 00:00:55,927 Ooh! My ballet tickets. 28 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,460 Oh, your ballet tickets. 29 00:00:58,494 --> 00:01:00,294 Hey, have you ever been to the ballet? 30 00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:03,027 No, but I've seen people on tiptoes. 31 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:04,527 You know, I'm going as a beard. 32 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,427 A beard? Yeah. 33 00:01:06,460 --> 00:01:08,760 This friend of a friend knows this banker guy. 34 00:01:08,794 --> 00:01:11,583 He's, I don't know, 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous. 35 00:01:11,583 --> 00:01:11,760 He's, I don't know, 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous. 36 00:01:11,794 --> 00:01:12,860 Of course, he's gay. 37 00:01:12,894 --> 00:01:14,260 Yeah. So, 38 00:01:14,294 --> 00:01:16,460 anyway, his boss has this box at the Met. 39 00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:18,127 And he invited him to go see Swan Lake 40 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,594 with him and his wife, 41 00:01:19,627 --> 00:01:23,260 but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, 42 00:01:23,294 --> 00:01:25,827 so I'm going along as his date. 43 00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:27,027 Why are you doing this? 44 00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:29,260 Swan Lake, at the Met. 45 00:01:29,294 --> 00:01:30,727 [INTERCOM BUZZES] 46 00:01:31,494 --> 00:01:32,527 Yeah? 47 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,560 GEORGE: Get it on with your bad self. 48 00:01:38,294 --> 00:01:39,794 [SNIFFS] 49 00:01:39,827 --> 00:01:40,794 Ooh. 50 00:01:40,827 --> 00:01:41,583 Chinese food. 51 00:01:41,583 --> 00:01:41,794 Chinese food. 52 00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:43,360 I knew I smelled somethin'. 53 00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:44,527 Hey! 54 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,594 Is George still wearing that toupee? Yeah. 55 00:01:47,627 --> 00:01:49,994 Doesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing? 56 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,927 I think he looks fantastic. 57 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,860 [LAUGHING] Oh, come on. 58 00:01:54,894 --> 00:01:58,160 No. I never realized what an attractive man he is. 59 00:01:58,194 --> 00:02:00,794 Oh, he's a real looker, that one. 60 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,594 Hey! 61 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,827 People. People, people, people, people. 62 00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:11,260 Not bad, huh? 63 00:02:11,294 --> 00:02:11,583 [LAUGHS] 64 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:12,760 [LAUGHS] 65 00:02:12,794 --> 00:02:13,727 Yeah. 66 00:02:14,494 --> 00:02:15,794 [GASPS] 67 00:02:15,827 --> 00:02:17,327 All right. 68 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,927 Excuse me. 69 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,994 You look ridiculous in that thing. 70 00:02:23,027 --> 00:02:24,960 Is that so? 71 00:02:24,994 --> 00:02:28,594 Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried 72 00:02:28,627 --> 00:02:31,294 that you may have missed the boat. 73 00:02:31,327 --> 00:02:33,294 [LAUGHS] 74 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:36,127 Well, I think they might have sutured... 75 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,627 that thing... 76 00:02:37,660 --> 00:02:39,094 to your brain. 77 00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:41,127 [BOTH LAUGH] 78 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,927 All right. Go ahead. Deride. 79 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,460 Deride if you must. 80 00:02:46,494 --> 00:02:47,760 But let me tell you something. 81 00:02:47,794 --> 00:02:49,760 With my personality and this head of hair, 82 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:50,794 you know what I am now? 83 00:02:50,827 --> 00:02:52,494 I am in the game. 84 00:02:52,527 --> 00:02:55,460 I no longer defer to the coiffed. I'm a player. 85 00:02:55,494 --> 00:02:57,594 KRAMER: You know, I just thought of something. 86 00:02:57,627 --> 00:03:00,127 I know this gorgeous woman. She called me up this morning. 87 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,627 She's moving into the city, 88 00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:04,294 and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. 89 00:03:04,327 --> 00:03:06,327 Now, you can go out with her. 90 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:07,927 Well, what about me? 91 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,694 No, I think he's got you beat, buddy. 92 00:03:11,127 --> 00:03:11,583 So, she's gorgeous, huh? 93 00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:12,427 So, she's gorgeous, huh? 94 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,094 Yeah, well, last time I saw her she was, 95 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,094 five years ago. 96 00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:16,260 Well, you got a picture? 97 00:03:16,294 --> 00:03:17,360 No. No. 98 00:03:17,394 --> 00:03:19,194 Well, I have to see her. 99 00:03:19,227 --> 00:03:21,294 Hey, I know what we can do. I got a friend. 100 00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,860 He works over at the police station. 101 00:03:22,894 --> 00:03:23,927 He's a composite artist. 102 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,294 Really? 103 00:03:25,327 --> 00:03:27,427 Maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you. 104 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:29,094 I would love that. You think he'd do it? 105 00:03:29,127 --> 00:03:30,460 Yeah, yeah. I think he will. 106 00:03:30,494 --> 00:03:33,294 It sounds like an excellent idea. 107 00:03:33,327 --> 00:03:35,127 Hey, Jerry. You done with all this? 108 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,160 'Cause I'm gonna give it to a homeless person. 109 00:03:37,194 --> 00:03:39,027 You know, I'm very excited about this. 110 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,583 I always wanted to see how these sketch artists do it. 111 00:03:41,583 --> 00:03:41,760 I always wanted to see how these sketch artists do it. 112 00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:44,427 Here you go, brother. Some food for you. 113 00:03:44,460 --> 00:03:45,760 Thank you. 114 00:03:45,794 --> 00:03:47,527 You're a good man. Bless you. 115 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:48,760 You gonna be here in an hour? 116 00:03:48,794 --> 00:03:49,994 Where am I going? 117 00:03:50,027 --> 00:03:51,260 All right. Enjoy. 118 00:03:51,294 --> 00:03:52,560 Wait up! 119 00:03:53,694 --> 00:03:55,527 Oh, that's good. That's good. 120 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,527 And make the eyes, um-- 121 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,660 What's that nut? 122 00:03:58,694 --> 00:03:59,660 Almonds? Almonds. 123 00:03:59,694 --> 00:04:00,660 Yeah, That's it. 124 00:04:00,694 --> 00:04:01,694 Can I see? 125 00:04:01,727 --> 00:04:03,327 No, no. Not yet. 126 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,860 And make the lips fuller. 127 00:04:04,894 --> 00:04:06,294 Poutier. 128 00:04:06,327 --> 00:04:07,960 Poutier? I like that. 129 00:04:07,994 --> 00:04:09,127 Can't go wrong with pouty. 130 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,827 I'm excited about the pouty. 131 00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:11,583 All right. I think that about does it. 132 00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:12,427 All right. I think that about does it. 133 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,060 All right, George. Come on. Take a look. 134 00:04:15,327 --> 00:04:17,827 Oh, my God, you were right. 135 00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:19,127 She is gorgeous! 136 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,527 Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there? 137 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,527 Huh? 138 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,460 LOU: Oh, that's Sergeant Tierny. 139 00:04:24,494 --> 00:04:25,527 Nice officer. 140 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,527 You wanna meet her? 141 00:04:27,394 --> 00:04:28,994 Well, this worked out okay. 142 00:04:29,027 --> 00:04:30,527 Hey, you gonna see that police woman? 143 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,760 Yeah, I think I will. 144 00:04:31,794 --> 00:04:34,760 I like the idea of having the law on my side. 145 00:04:34,794 --> 00:04:36,494 Hey, man. Did you enjoy the food? 146 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:37,594 Oh, yes, I did. 147 00:04:37,627 --> 00:04:39,827 Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that? 148 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:40,860 Listen. 149 00:04:40,894 --> 00:04:41,583 I'll take that Tupperware now. 150 00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:42,627 I'll take that Tupperware now. 151 00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:44,094 I don't think so. 152 00:04:44,127 --> 00:04:45,927 Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's mine. 153 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,294 You gave it to me. No, no, look. 154 00:04:47,327 --> 00:04:48,594 I didn't say you could keep it. 155 00:04:48,627 --> 00:04:50,127 See, I don't give away Tupperware. 156 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,327 You shoulda said something. 157 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:52,594 Well, I didn't think I had to. 158 00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:55,360 Look, with a piece of Tupperware, you just assume. 159 00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:57,560 Yeah! 160 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:05,327 I really gotta thank you for this. 161 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,627 The bank I work for is so conservative. 162 00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:08,960 Oh, well, by now, you'd think 163 00:05:08,994 --> 00:05:10,927 people would be a little more open-minded. 164 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:11,583 Oi. 165 00:05:11,583 --> 00:05:11,860 Oi. 166 00:05:13,327 --> 00:05:15,760 Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom. 167 00:05:15,794 --> 00:05:17,960 Okay. Great. 168 00:05:17,994 --> 00:05:20,627 Sssso... 169 00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:22,960 you and Robert, hmm? 170 00:05:22,994 --> 00:05:24,594 Yup. Mm-hmm. 171 00:05:24,627 --> 00:05:25,627 Really? 172 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:27,794 Yes, indeedy. 173 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,794 I'm surprised. 174 00:05:29,827 --> 00:05:30,794 Really? 175 00:05:30,827 --> 00:05:31,960 Why? 176 00:05:31,994 --> 00:05:34,627 No reason. 177 00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:37,127 Well, believe me. This didn't happen overnight. 178 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,327 Robert is not exactly a one-woman man, 179 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,460 if you know what I mean. 180 00:05:41,494 --> 00:05:41,583 No, siree, Bob. 181 00:05:41,583 --> 00:05:43,694 No, siree, Bob. 182 00:05:43,727 --> 00:05:45,760 Sure, I mean, in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy. 183 00:05:45,794 --> 00:05:47,027 He likes his sports. 184 00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:48,127 But he counters that side 185 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,627 with the side you see here tonight 186 00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:51,627 at the ballet or the pleasure he gets 187 00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:55,260 watching Miss Liza Minnelli belt out a few choice numbers. 188 00:05:55,294 --> 00:05:57,794 It's those two halves of his personality 189 00:05:57,827 --> 00:05:59,194 that just come together 190 00:05:59,227 --> 00:06:01,694 to make him the very special guy that he is. 191 00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:03,494 Excuse me. 192 00:06:05,660 --> 00:06:07,160 Oh. Hi, honey. 193 00:06:14,027 --> 00:06:15,827 ELAINE: It was just such a great night. 194 00:06:15,860 --> 00:06:17,827 Oh! And did they suspect anything? 195 00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:19,027 Mmm. 196 00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:20,927 No, I was a fantastic beard. 197 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,927 I held hands, I called him "honey." 198 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,994 And we discover yet another talent: 199 00:06:27,027 --> 00:06:30,994 posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals. 200 00:06:31,027 --> 00:06:34,694 Oh, it was just such a great night. 201 00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:35,927 You said that already. 202 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,160 Oh, I did? 203 00:06:37,194 --> 00:06:38,160 Yeah. 204 00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:39,127 Oh. 205 00:06:41,894 --> 00:06:44,560 Oh, no. 206 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:46,894 Don't tell me. 207 00:06:47,827 --> 00:06:49,260 You like him? 208 00:06:49,294 --> 00:06:50,694 He's incredible! 209 00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:54,127 Yeah, but-- 210 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,260 Yeah. I-- I know. 211 00:06:56,294 --> 00:06:57,260 So? 212 00:06:57,294 --> 00:06:58,260 What? 213 00:06:58,294 --> 00:06:59,994 Not conversion? 214 00:07:01,627 --> 00:07:03,660 You're thinking conversion? 215 00:07:03,694 --> 00:07:06,594 Well, it did occur to me. 216 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,760 You think you can get him to just change teams? 217 00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:11,427 He's not gonna suddenly switch sides. 218 00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:11,583 Forget about it. 219 00:07:11,583 --> 00:07:12,760 Forget about it. 220 00:07:12,794 --> 00:07:14,527 Why? Is it irrevocable? 221 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,027 Because when you join that team, it's not a whim. 222 00:07:18,060 --> 00:07:19,327 He likes his team. 223 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,327 He's set with that team. 224 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,494 But we've got a good team. 225 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,594 Yeah, we do. 226 00:07:25,627 --> 00:07:27,327 We do have a good team. 227 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,894 Well, why can't he play for us? 228 00:07:31,527 --> 00:07:35,360 They're only comfortable with their equipment. 229 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,583 But we just got along so great. 230 00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:42,294 But we just got along so great. 231 00:07:42,327 --> 00:07:44,260 Of course, you did. Everyone gets along great 232 00:07:44,294 --> 00:07:45,827 when there's no possibility of sex. 233 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:47,660 No, no, no. I sensed something. 234 00:07:47,694 --> 00:07:48,994 I did sense something. 235 00:07:49,027 --> 00:07:51,194 I perceived a possibility, Jerry. 236 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,327 You realize your venturing into uncharted waters. 237 00:07:58,360 --> 00:07:59,794 I realize that. 238 00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:02,560 Are you that desperate? 239 00:08:03,627 --> 00:08:04,527 Yes, I am. 240 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,060 JERRY: Are you gonna bring your gun? 241 00:08:11,194 --> 00:08:11,583 Yeah, I think you should leave it at home. 242 00:08:11,583 --> 00:08:13,594 Yeah, I think you should leave it at home. 243 00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,660 Well, I don't really know you that well. 244 00:08:15,694 --> 00:08:17,427 What if we get into a fight or something? 245 00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:19,260 You know, you lose your temper. 246 00:08:19,294 --> 00:08:21,027 Who knows what you're capable of. 247 00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:22,660 All right, then it's settled. 248 00:08:22,694 --> 00:08:25,860 First date, no weapons. 249 00:08:25,894 --> 00:08:27,660 All right. I'll see you then. 250 00:08:27,694 --> 00:08:28,960 Okay, bye. 251 00:08:30,794 --> 00:08:32,527 Yeah, yeah. 252 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,260 Here we go. 253 00:08:34,294 --> 00:08:35,460 What are you lookin' for? 254 00:08:35,494 --> 00:08:37,260 Tupperware. 255 00:08:37,294 --> 00:08:39,594 Sorry, I don't have any Tupperware. 256 00:08:39,627 --> 00:08:41,427 See, I knew this was gonna happen. 257 00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:41,583 I just made a delicious casserole, 258 00:08:41,583 --> 00:08:43,260 I just made a delicious casserole, 259 00:08:43,294 --> 00:08:46,127 but now it won't keep 'cause I have no Tupperware! 260 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,927 What about a plastic bag? 261 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,594 You must be kidding. 262 00:08:49,627 --> 00:08:50,960 What is the difference? 263 00:08:50,994 --> 00:08:52,294 The patented burp, Jerry. 264 00:08:52,327 --> 00:08:54,360 It locks in freshness. 265 00:08:56,294 --> 00:08:57,227 Hey-oh. Hey. Hey. 266 00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:02,127 So, I, uh... 267 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,294 I spoke to your little friend Denise last night. 268 00:09:04,327 --> 00:09:05,660 Oh, yeah. You talked, huh? 269 00:09:05,694 --> 00:09:06,960 Yeah. For two hours. 270 00:09:06,994 --> 00:09:08,260 She's nuts about you. 271 00:09:08,294 --> 00:09:09,927 Yeah, well, we go way back, you know. 272 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,583 Why didn't anything ever happen between you two? 273 00:09:11,583 --> 00:09:12,494 Why didn't anything ever happen between you two? 274 00:09:12,527 --> 00:09:14,094 Who's to say it didn't? 275 00:09:14,127 --> 00:09:15,127 Chk! 276 00:09:16,894 --> 00:09:19,294 So did you describe yourself to her over the phone? 277 00:09:19,327 --> 00:09:20,994 Yes, I did. 278 00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:21,994 What did you say? 279 00:09:22,027 --> 00:09:23,627 What do you think I said? 280 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:24,994 I don't know. 281 00:09:25,027 --> 00:09:27,094 I told her the truth. 282 00:09:27,127 --> 00:09:28,527 As you see it. 283 00:09:31,394 --> 00:09:33,294 Yes, as I see it. 284 00:09:33,327 --> 00:09:36,860 Did you tell her about your little hat there? 285 00:09:38,127 --> 00:09:39,427 What hat? 286 00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:41,583 You know, your little hair hat there. 287 00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:42,060 You know, your little hair hat there. 288 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:44,660 No. 289 00:09:44,694 --> 00:09:46,494 Don't you think she could tell? 290 00:09:46,527 --> 00:09:47,994 No, no, no. She can't tell. 291 00:09:48,027 --> 00:09:49,027 It's a perfect match. 292 00:09:49,060 --> 00:09:50,160 Beautiful job. 293 00:09:50,194 --> 00:09:51,360 Are you kiddin'? 294 00:09:51,394 --> 00:09:54,160 I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away. 295 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:57,094 You only think that because you know me. 296 00:09:57,127 --> 00:09:58,994 Have you noticed people staring at your head? 297 00:09:59,027 --> 00:10:00,494 I notice people staring at my head 298 00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:02,927 because they like what they see. 299 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,494 I think you should either take it off 300 00:10:04,527 --> 00:10:05,494 or tell her about it. 301 00:10:05,527 --> 00:10:06,660 He's not gonna take it off. 302 00:10:06,694 --> 00:10:07,827 If he was gonna go over bald, 303 00:10:07,860 --> 00:10:09,327 I wouldn't have introduced them. 304 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,583 All right, look. I guarantee she won't know. 305 00:10:11,583 --> 00:10:11,960 All right, look. I guarantee she won't know. 306 00:10:11,994 --> 00:10:12,994 Yeah. That's it. 307 00:10:13,027 --> 00:10:14,460 I'm gonna go down to the precinct. 308 00:10:14,494 --> 00:10:15,760 I'm gonna have lunch with Lou. 309 00:10:15,794 --> 00:10:17,260 Oh, I'll split a cab with you. 310 00:10:17,294 --> 00:10:19,960 Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day, man. 311 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,127 Really sorry. 312 00:10:22,494 --> 00:10:24,327 Hey! That's my coffee. 313 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,260 JERRY: Hi, sarge. 314 00:10:29,294 --> 00:10:31,127 Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. 315 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,360 Some of our lineup decoys didn't show, so... 316 00:10:34,394 --> 00:10:36,360 Hey, any of you guys want to be in the lineup? 317 00:10:36,394 --> 00:10:37,960 Make a quick 50 bucks? 318 00:10:37,994 --> 00:10:40,860 Sure. I will. 319 00:10:40,894 --> 00:10:41,583 Perfect. Okay. 320 00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:42,527 Perfect. Okay. 321 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,960 Just go right over there with Officer Lampart. 322 00:10:44,994 --> 00:10:46,327 Oh, all right. 323 00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:03,894 MAN: All of you, turn to the left. 324 00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:07,994 The left. 325 00:11:15,027 --> 00:11:17,127 Now, turn to the right. 326 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,060 [HUMMING] 327 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,427 GEORGE: Oh, my God. There she is. 328 00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:29,427 That's the face. 329 00:11:29,460 --> 00:11:30,927 Just like the picture. 330 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,094 George? Yeah. 331 00:11:32,127 --> 00:11:33,094 Hi. 332 00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:34,094 It's great to meet you. 333 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,294 Likewise. 334 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:36,494 Have you been waiting long? 335 00:11:36,527 --> 00:11:38,627 No, no, no. I just got here two minutes ago. 336 00:11:38,660 --> 00:11:39,794 Good, good. 337 00:11:41,727 --> 00:11:44,027 Well, why don't you take off your hat, stay awhile? 338 00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:45,360 [CHUCKLES] 339 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,327 What's that? 340 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,760 Polygraph. 341 00:11:54,794 --> 00:11:56,927 What you civilians call a lie detector test. 342 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,194 Oh, all right. Let me ask you. 343 00:11:58,227 --> 00:11:59,460 Now, when someone is lying, 344 00:11:59,494 --> 00:12:03,360 is it true that their pants are actually on fire? 345 00:12:03,394 --> 00:12:06,327 If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. 346 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,494 Get out. 347 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,994 A certain cast member of Melrose Place. 348 00:12:10,027 --> 00:12:11,294 Really? 349 00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:11,583 Have you ever seen the show? 350 00:12:11,583 --> 00:12:12,527 Have you ever seen the show? 351 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,027 No. 352 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,127 You can admit it, Jerry. 353 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,160 It's okay. 354 00:12:19,194 --> 00:12:20,194 I'd admit it. 355 00:12:20,227 --> 00:12:21,494 I don't watch it. 356 00:12:22,060 --> 00:12:23,260 Hey, Lou. 357 00:12:23,294 --> 00:12:24,760 Maybe we should put him on the poly. 358 00:12:24,794 --> 00:12:25,827 The poly? 359 00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:26,994 Yeah. 360 00:12:27,027 --> 00:12:28,294 I think you've seen it. 361 00:12:37,127 --> 00:12:38,960 ELAINE [LAUGHING]: Melrose Place? 362 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,094 Yes. Melrose Place. 363 00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:43,194 [LAUGHS] 364 00:12:43,227 --> 00:12:44,827 I just didn't know you watch that. 365 00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:47,127 Well...I do. 366 00:12:49,027 --> 00:12:50,627 I mean, every time I've mentioned it, 367 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:54,094 you never say anything or join in the conversation. 368 00:12:54,127 --> 00:12:57,494 Well, maybe I was a little embarrassed. 369 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,327 You mean this whole time, Jerry, 370 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,994 we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane? 371 00:13:03,027 --> 00:13:03,962 And Billy and Jake and Allison. 372 00:13:03,962 --> 00:13:05,160 And Billy and Jake and Allison. 373 00:13:05,194 --> 00:13:07,094 Yes, we could have discussed it. 374 00:13:07,127 --> 00:13:09,260 Why? Why were you so embarrassed? 375 00:13:09,294 --> 00:13:11,660 The point is, I'm gonna be taking this lie detector test. 376 00:13:11,694 --> 00:13:13,360 And that needle's gonna be goin' wild. 377 00:13:13,394 --> 00:13:14,827 [LAUGHS] 378 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,127 This is so stupid. 379 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,627 Why didn't you just confess? 380 00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,294 It's too stupid to confess. 381 00:13:21,327 --> 00:13:23,527 Look what I'm confessing to. 382 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:24,827 Well, what are you gonna do? 383 00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:25,960 I don't know. 384 00:13:25,994 --> 00:13:27,294 Maybe I could beat the machine. 385 00:13:27,327 --> 00:13:28,927 Ohhh... 386 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,094 Who do you think you are? 387 00:13:30,127 --> 00:13:32,260 Costanza? 388 00:13:32,294 --> 00:13:33,960 Hey, you know what? 389 00:13:33,994 --> 00:13:36,827 I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, 390 00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:39,094 deceptive minds of our time. 391 00:13:39,127 --> 00:13:42,160 Who better to advise me? 392 00:13:42,194 --> 00:13:44,194 Oh, God, this is terrible. 393 00:13:44,227 --> 00:13:45,427 Did you shake it up? 394 00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:46,427 No. 395 00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:47,460 You gotta shake it up. 396 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,760 No. I'm sick of shaking. 397 00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:50,127 You gotta shake everything. 398 00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:53,594 Yeah, that's a real nuisance. 399 00:13:53,627 --> 00:13:55,560 [INTERCOM BUZZES] 400 00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,494 Oh, this is killin' me. 401 00:14:00,394 --> 00:14:01,360 Yeah. 402 00:14:01,394 --> 00:14:02,460 GEORGE: Yeah. 403 00:14:02,494 --> 00:14:03,962 So, I'm going out tonight with Robert 404 00:14:03,962 --> 00:14:07,027 So, I'm going out tonight with Robert 405 00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:09,594 and the boss and his wife. 406 00:14:09,627 --> 00:14:11,294 So, tonight you gonna make the move? 407 00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:13,027 Yeah, I think I might. 408 00:14:16,460 --> 00:14:17,427 Hey, there he is. 409 00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,927 So, what happened? 410 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,594 Could she detect it? 411 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:22,860 It's an interesting question. 412 00:14:22,894 --> 00:14:23,860 How so? 413 00:14:23,894 --> 00:14:25,527 How so? 414 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,294 I'll tell you how so. 415 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:30,194 She's bald! 416 00:14:31,394 --> 00:14:33,094 What do you mean, bald? 417 00:14:33,127 --> 00:14:33,962 What do you think I mean, bald? 418 00:14:33,962 --> 00:14:34,627 What do you think I mean, bald? 419 00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:36,027 Bald! 420 00:14:36,060 --> 00:14:37,260 "Bald" bald. 421 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,627 She's bald? 422 00:14:39,660 --> 00:14:42,460 She's bald, Jerry. 423 00:14:42,494 --> 00:14:44,260 [LAUGHS] Oh, come on. 424 00:14:44,294 --> 00:14:45,260 "Oh, come on"? 425 00:14:45,294 --> 00:14:46,360 No, come on. 426 00:14:46,394 --> 00:14:49,194 She took off her hat, and there she was. 427 00:14:49,227 --> 00:14:51,860 Hello! 428 00:14:51,894 --> 00:14:54,327 It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror. 429 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,327 Well, maybe she got a haircut or something. 430 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,860 You know, let me tell you something. 431 00:15:00,894 --> 00:15:03,294 No one walks into a beauty parlor and says, 432 00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:03,962 "Give me the Larry Fine." 433 00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,227 "Give me the Larry Fine." 434 00:15:07,694 --> 00:15:10,094 Women go bald? 435 00:15:10,127 --> 00:15:11,160 Yeah, I've heard of that. 436 00:15:11,194 --> 00:15:12,827 I mean, they usually wear a wig. 437 00:15:13,694 --> 00:15:14,860 Hey, buddy. JERRY: Hey. 438 00:15:14,894 --> 00:15:16,094 Ha-ho... 439 00:15:16,127 --> 00:15:18,827 You fixed me up with a bald woman! 440 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:20,760 [SPUTTERS] 441 00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:21,760 Bald? 442 00:15:21,794 --> 00:15:22,760 Yeah, that's right. 443 00:15:22,794 --> 00:15:24,427 Do you see the irony here? 444 00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:29,727 You're rejecting somebody because they're bald. 445 00:15:30,894 --> 00:15:33,194 So? 446 00:15:33,227 --> 00:15:33,962 You're bald! 447 00:15:33,962 --> 00:15:36,594 You're bald! 448 00:15:36,627 --> 00:15:38,494 No, I'm not. 449 00:15:38,527 --> 00:15:40,127 I... 450 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,627 was bald. 451 00:15:43,494 --> 00:15:44,627 Elaine. 452 00:15:45,794 --> 00:15:47,260 KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, come on. 453 00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:48,860 Ah! Ah! Aah! Give it-- 454 00:15:48,894 --> 00:15:49,860 Don't-- 455 00:15:49,894 --> 00:15:51,694 No, no, no! No, Elaine! 456 00:15:51,727 --> 00:15:54,494 I don't like this thing! 457 00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:56,794 And here's what I'm doing with it! 458 00:15:56,827 --> 00:15:57,727 No! 459 00:16:13,027 --> 00:16:15,260 What about when you started that fight with me. 460 00:16:15,294 --> 00:16:17,860 Well, I figured that's what couples do. 461 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,627 You almost convinced me we were a couple. 462 00:16:19,660 --> 00:16:22,460 Oh, well, it was easy. Really. 463 00:16:22,494 --> 00:16:24,627 Well, good night. I'll call you tomorrow. 464 00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:25,994 Oh, wait a second. 465 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,160 Um... 466 00:16:27,994 --> 00:16:29,827 Would you like to come... 467 00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:31,260 upstairs? 468 00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:32,827 Upstairs? 469 00:16:33,894 --> 00:16:33,962 Yeah. 470 00:16:33,962 --> 00:16:35,660 Yeah. 471 00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,327 Upstairs? 472 00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:39,294 Elaine... 473 00:16:39,327 --> 00:16:42,594 Well, I was-- I was hoping, you know, you... 474 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,627 You might be interested in... 475 00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:46,127 changing teams. 476 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,094 "Changing teams"? 477 00:16:48,127 --> 00:16:52,594 Have you ever thought about it? 478 00:16:52,627 --> 00:16:54,794 But I'm a starting shortstop. 479 00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:57,094 Robert... 480 00:16:57,127 --> 00:16:59,427 we need a shortstop. 481 00:16:59,460 --> 00:17:01,560 Real bad. 482 00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:03,962 I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, 483 00:17:03,962 --> 00:17:05,094 I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, 484 00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:07,094 it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 485 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,094 Good. 486 00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:09,327 I feel like my old self again. 487 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,660 Totally inadequate, completely insecure, 488 00:17:11,694 --> 00:17:12,960 paranoid, neurotic. 489 00:17:12,994 --> 00:17:14,594 It's a pleasure. 490 00:17:14,627 --> 00:17:16,160 It's good to have you back. 491 00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:18,094 And you know what else I've decided to do? 492 00:17:18,127 --> 00:17:19,760 I'm gonna keep seeing the bald woman. 493 00:17:19,794 --> 00:17:21,994 She's as good as anybody else. 494 00:17:22,027 --> 00:17:24,927 Scalp was clean. 495 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,927 She had a nice skull. 496 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,294 Just wasn't a lot of hair on it. 497 00:17:30,327 --> 00:17:32,594 You know, you've had, like, a religious awakening. 498 00:17:32,627 --> 00:17:33,962 You're like a bald-again. 499 00:17:33,962 --> 00:17:34,194 You're like a bald-again. 500 00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:35,594 [LAUGHS] 501 00:17:35,627 --> 00:17:37,594 I need a little more coffee. 502 00:17:37,627 --> 00:17:40,127 So, George, how do I beat this lie detector? 503 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,660 I'm sorry, Jerry. I can't help you. 504 00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:43,860 Come on. You got the gift. 505 00:17:43,894 --> 00:17:45,527 You're the only one that could help me. 506 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,327 Jerry, I can't. 507 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:51,960 It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you." 508 00:17:53,494 --> 00:17:55,694 All right. Well, I gotta go take this test. 509 00:17:55,727 --> 00:17:57,494 I can't believe I'm doin' this. 510 00:17:58,727 --> 00:17:59,860 Jerry... 511 00:17:59,894 --> 00:18:02,127 just remember: 512 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,962 It's not a lie... 513 00:18:03,962 --> 00:18:04,027 It's not a lie... 514 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,460 if you believe it. 515 00:18:11,694 --> 00:18:12,660 Hey! Hey. 516 00:18:12,694 --> 00:18:13,927 I did it! What? 517 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,427 I turned him. He defected. 518 00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:18,127 Get out. 519 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,260 How? 520 00:18:19,294 --> 00:18:20,527 How did you do that? 521 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,260 'Cause I'm a woman. 522 00:18:22,294 --> 00:18:24,794 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-boom, chicky Boom, chicky ♪ 523 00:18:24,827 --> 00:18:26,427 ♪ Boom-boom-boom ♪ 524 00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:28,327 Elaine, do you know what you've done? 525 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,327 You've given hope to every woman who's ever said 526 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,660 "too bad he's gay." 527 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:33,962 Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. 528 00:18:33,962 --> 00:18:34,127 Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. 529 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,127 Anything is possible. 530 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,194 Indeed. 531 00:18:36,227 --> 00:18:39,527 Jeromy, I have hit the jackpot. 532 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,427 The perfect man. 533 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:43,294 Nothing but sex and shopping. 534 00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:14,960 What's your name? 535 00:19:14,994 --> 00:19:16,160 Jerry Seinfeld. 536 00:19:16,194 --> 00:19:17,827 What is your address? 537 00:19:17,860 --> 00:19:20,460 129 West 81st street. 538 00:19:20,494 --> 00:19:22,360 Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby? 539 00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:29,560 I don't know. 540 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,962 Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend? 541 00:19:33,962 --> 00:19:34,227 Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend? 542 00:19:35,627 --> 00:19:36,527 I don't know. 543 00:19:39,994 --> 00:19:44,427 Did Jane's fiancé kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? 544 00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:46,660 And if so, did she enjoy it? 545 00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:51,394 I don't know. 546 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,460 Did Jane sleep with Michael again? 547 00:19:57,327 --> 00:19:58,294 Yes! 548 00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,860 Yes, that stupid idiot! 549 00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:02,027 He left her for Kimberly! He slept with her sister! 550 00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,962 He tricked her into givin' him half her business! 551 00:20:03,962 --> 00:20:04,127 He tricked her into givin' him half her business! 552 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,260 And then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again! 553 00:20:06,294 --> 00:20:08,694 I mean, she's crazy! How could she do something like that?! 554 00:20:08,727 --> 00:20:10,660 I mean, that Jane! Oh, she just makes me so mad! 555 00:20:17,127 --> 00:20:18,694 He went back? 556 00:20:18,727 --> 00:20:20,827 What do you mean, he went back? 557 00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:22,527 He went back. 558 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,594 I don't understand, you were having a great time. 559 00:20:24,627 --> 00:20:25,594 The sex, the shopping. 560 00:20:25,627 --> 00:20:27,694 Well, here's the thing: 561 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,460 Being a woman... 562 00:20:32,494 --> 00:20:33,962 I only really have access to the... 563 00:20:33,962 --> 00:20:37,327 I only really have access to the... 564 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:39,160 equipment... 565 00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:42,027 What, 30, 45 minutes a week? 566 00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:44,094 And that's on a good week. 567 00:20:44,127 --> 00:20:47,527 How can I be expected to have the same expertise 568 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,760 as people who own this equipment... 569 00:20:51,794 --> 00:20:55,694 and have access to it 24 hours a day... 570 00:20:55,727 --> 00:20:56,960 their entire lives? 571 00:20:56,994 --> 00:20:58,160 You can't. 572 00:20:58,194 --> 00:21:02,494 That's why they lose very few players. 573 00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:03,962 Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance. 574 00:21:03,962 --> 00:21:05,527 Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance. 575 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,494 Well, there's always a place for you... 576 00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:08,594 on our team. 577 00:21:08,627 --> 00:21:12,660 Yeah. Thanks. 578 00:21:12,694 --> 00:21:13,994 Is Melrose Place on? 579 00:21:14,027 --> 00:21:15,994 Yeah, comin' on in a few minutes. 580 00:21:16,027 --> 00:21:16,960 Okay. 581 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,694 Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started. 582 00:21:25,227 --> 00:21:28,194 Hey, you know, George, I am really proud of you. 583 00:21:28,227 --> 00:21:31,127 I really do admire what you've done. 584 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,027 Do you? 585 00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:33,962 That makes me so happy. 586 00:21:33,962 --> 00:21:34,960 That makes me so happy. 587 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,427 Elaine's proud of me, Jerry. 588 00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:40,660 What is the matter? 589 00:21:40,694 --> 00:21:44,160 I got rejected by a bald woman. 590 00:21:44,194 --> 00:21:45,360 What? 591 00:21:45,394 --> 00:21:47,327 A bald woman rejected me. 592 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:48,594 Huh? 593 00:21:48,627 --> 00:21:49,960 You like that one? 594 00:21:49,994 --> 00:21:51,460 A woman with no prospects 595 00:21:51,494 --> 00:21:52,460 and no hair 596 00:21:52,494 --> 00:21:55,494 told me that I wasn't her type. 597 00:21:55,527 --> 00:21:58,360 Apparently, baldy likes a slimmer guy! 598 00:21:58,394 --> 00:22:00,627 Well, I'll tell you what I think. 599 00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:03,962 I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. 600 00:22:03,962 --> 00:22:04,960 I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. 601 00:22:04,994 --> 00:22:06,927 You blew it, boy! 602 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,860 You really blew it! 603 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:13,794 And you had to ruin it for him, didn't you? 604 00:22:13,827 --> 00:22:14,994 I didn't ruin anything. 605 00:22:15,027 --> 00:22:17,827 He looked like an idiot. No. 606 00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:19,494 He did. And it made him act like a jerk. 607 00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:20,694 All right. Shut up, shut up. 608 00:22:20,727 --> 00:22:21,960 Melrose Place is coming on. 609 00:22:21,994 --> 00:22:24,360 [THEME FROM MELROSE PLACE PLAYING] 610 00:22:28,694 --> 00:22:30,260 Oh, that Michael. I hate him. 611 00:22:30,294 --> 00:22:32,060 He's just so smug. 612 00:22:44,127 --> 00:22:45,460 How you doin', Stu? 613 00:22:45,494 --> 00:22:47,494 Eddie, my man. 614 00:22:49,327 --> 00:22:50,794 You again? 615 00:22:50,827 --> 00:22:52,827 Boy, you're a slippery one. 616 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:55,160 You better straighten up and fly right, buddy boy. 617 00:22:55,194 --> 00:22:56,427 What do you got? 618 00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:59,027 I got an eye witness to that jewelry store break-in. 619 00:22:59,060 --> 00:22:59,994 Come here. 620 00:23:02,327 --> 00:23:04,327 Do you recognize anybody in this line-up? 621 00:23:06,894 --> 00:23:08,527 That's the guy, officer! 622 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,734 The guy there in the middle, the tall guy with the high hair. 623 00:23:10,734 --> 00:23:12,027 The guy there in the middle, the tall guy with the high hair. 624 00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:13,860 I'd recognize him anywhere. 625 00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:15,094 Hey, you. 626 00:23:15,127 --> 00:23:16,360 You with the high hair. 627 00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:17,994 Step forward. 628 00:23:19,527 --> 00:23:21,627 Me? 41796

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