Original subtitles

[♪]

Oh, hi.

A hundred episodes.

That's a lot.

During the course of which George, Elaine, Kramer, and I

have had many experiences, both positive and negative.

Well, mostly negative.

There have been some relationships

that haven't worked out.

Ambitions that were unfulfilled.

Hopes dashed.

Some property damage. Hurt feelings.

I know one guy got deported.

I know one guy got deported.

Physical injury and...

all right, maybe even a death or two.

But we've persevered, because we're people.

Real TV people.

And for 30 minutes a week,

that's pretty important to us.

So if you're joining us late,

here's some highlights from what's happened so far.

Why don't they have salsa on the table?

What do you need salsa for?

Salsa is now the number-one condiment in America.

Do you know why?

Because people like to say "salsa."

Because people like to say "salsa."

Excuse me. Do you have any salsa?

We need more salsa. Where's the salsa? No salsa?

You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person

to order seltzer and not get salsa.

I wanted seltzer, not salsa.

Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?

You have the seltzer after the salsa.

See? This should be the show. This is the show.

What?

This. Just talkin'.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Right.

No, I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.

Just talking? Well, what's the show about?

It's about nothing.

What's that red dot on your sweater?

Hey, didn't we come in over there?

I thought we came in over there.

I'm out.

What?

What?

Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest.

No story?

No, forget the story.

But we gotta have a story.

Who says you gotta have a story?

[PLAYING SLOW, ELEGANT MELODY]

[LAUGHS]

Four. Seinfeld.

Four?

That will be five, ten minutes.

Boy, do you smell something?

Boy, do you smell something?

Do I smell something?

What am I, hard of smelling?

What is it?

I think it's BO.

And who's on the show? Who are the characters?

I could be a character.

You?

Yeah, you base a character on a me.

It's come to my attention

that you and the cleaning woman

have engaged in sexual intercourse

on the desk in your office.

Who said that?

She did.

Was that wrong?

Was that wrong?

Should I not have done that?

I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing,

because if anyone had said anything to me at all

when I first started here,

that that sort of thing was frowned upon...

And who else is on the show?

Elaine could be a character.

I wonder what happened to my fiancé?

I know he's here somewhere.

I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby.

[LAUGHS]

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

What?

The dingo ate your baby!

Kramer.

Now, he's a character. [LAUGHS] Yeah.

The bus is outta control!

So I grab him by the collar,

I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel,

now I'm drivin' the bus.

You're Batman.

Yeah, yeah. I am Batman.

Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me!

So I'm fightin' him off with one hand,

So I'm fightin' him off with one hand,

and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, you know.

Then I managed to open up the door,

and I kicked him out the door, you know, with my foot,

you know, at the next stop!

You kept makin' all the stops?

Well, people kept ringin' the bell!

So everybody I know is a character on the show?

Right.

My wallet's gone!

My wallet's gone!

Jerry!

Uncle Leo.

Hello!

How could you?

How could I what?

How could I what?

You were making out during Schindler's List?

How long does it take to find a bra?

What's goin' on in there?!

You ask me to get a pair of underwear,

I'm back in two seconds.

You know about the, uh, cup sizes and all?

They have different cups.

Yeah. I-I know about the cups.

You got the A...

B...

the C...

the D...

That's the biggest.

That's the biggest.

I go out for a quart of milk.

I come home and find my son

treating his body like it was an amusement park.

I'm a United States postal worker.

Aren't those the guys that always go crazy

and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Sometimes.

Why is that?

Because the mail never stops.

Every day it piles up more and more and more,

and you gotta get it out.

But the more you get out, the more it keeps coming in.

But the more you get out, the more it keeps coming in.

Then the bar-code reader breaks,

and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

All right, all right.

So you're sayin', I go into NBC

and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing?

We go in to NBC.

We?

Since when are you a writer?

What writer? We're talkin' about a sitcom.

You wanna go with me to NBC?

Yeah. I think we really got somethin' here.

What do we got? An idea.

What idea?

An idea for the show.

I still don't know what the idea is.

It's about nothing.

Right.

Right.

Everybody's doing something.

We'll do nothing.

Let's go do something. I don't wanna sit around here.

Okay. Wanna go get something to eat?

Where do you wanna go?

I don't care. I'm not hungry.

We could go to one of those cappuccino places.

They let you just sit there.

What are we gonna do there? Talk?

We could talk.

I'll go if I don't have to talk.

Then we'll just sit there.

Oh, wow. That's the astronaut pen.

I heard about that. Where did you get it?

I heard about that. Where did you get it?

Oh, it was a gift.

Oh, 'cause a lot of times I write in bed,

and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.

Take the pen.

Oh, no.

Go ahead. I couldn't.

Come on. Take the pen.

I can't take it. Do me a personal favor.

I'm not comfortable. Take the pen!

I cannot take it. Take the pen!

Are you sure? I'm positive!

Take the pen.

Okay. All right.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Gee! Boy.

Jack, what are you doing?

Stop it.

Jack, we should go.

It was nice meeting you.

Mmm. Nice to meet you.

Thanks again, Jack.

Come on!

This?

I agreed to wear this?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, when did I do that?

When we went to dinner the other night.

What are you, crazy?

What were you talkin' about when I went to the bathroom?

I don't know.

I couldn't understand a word she was saying.

I was just nodding.

I was just nodding.

Pow! There you go.

Where I go?

You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt

on national TV and I said yes?

Yes. Yes, you said it.

But I didn't know what she was talking about.

I couldn't hear her.

Well, she asked you.

I-I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV.

I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous.

Well, you gotta wear it now.

This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry,

this is gonna be the new look for the '90s.

You're gonna be the first pirate.

You're gonna be the first pirate.

But I don't wanna be a pirate.

I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?

Yes, we do.

Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.

But the reservation keeps the car here.

That's why you have the reservation.

I know why we have reservations.

I don't think you do.

If you did, I'd have a car.

So you know how to take the reservation.

You just don't know how to hold the reservation.

And that's really

And that's really

the most important part of the reservation,

the holding.

Anybody can just take 'em.

I think I can sum up the show for you with one word.

Nothing!

Nothing?

Nothing!

What does that mean?

What did you do today?

I got up and came to work.

There's a show. That's a show.

How is that a show?

Well, uh, m-maybe something happens to you

on the way to work.

No. No. No! Nothing happens!

Well, something happens.

Well, something happens.

Well, why am I watching it?

Because it's on TV.

Not yet.

[♪]

I'm telling you, she's good-looking.

What about the body? What kinda body?

Good body. Nice body.

Good body. Nice body.

How nice? Nice.

Just nice? Pretty nice.

Really good?

Really, very nice and good.

What about person--?

Good personality.

Funny.

Bright.

Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.

How could she be smarter than you?

[LAUGHING] Oh, no, he's a really, really funny guy.

What does he look like?

What does he look like?

Pardon?

What does he look like?

Um...

Well, he's got a lot of character in his face.

Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.

He's fat.

Is that what you're saying? That he's fat?

Powerful.

He is so powerful!

He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head.

And, um...

What else? What else?

Oh. R-- Um...

Er-- Well...

He's-- He's kind of,

just kind of...ungh,

just kind of...ungh,

losing his hair.

He's bald?!

No!

No, no, no.

He's not bald.

He's balding.

So he will be bald.

Yeah.

Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

"Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me."

Is that what you said?

Yeah, that's right.

Just clarifying.

Lemme ask you this.

Lemme ask you this.

If you stick your hand in the hair,

is it easy to get it out?

Do you wanna be able to get it out,

or do you wanna not be able to get it out?

I'd like to be able to get it out.

I think you'll get it out.

What about the skin?

I need a good cheek. I like a good cheek.

She's got a fine cheek.

Is there a pinkish hue?

Is there a pinkish hue?

A pinkish hue?

Yes. A rosy glow.

There's a hue.

She's got great eyebrows.

Women kill to have her eyebrows.

Who cares about eyebrows?

Look at you.

Why don't you do something with your life?!

Sit around here all day.

You contribute nothing to society.

The alarm didn't go off, it's 9:15!

The alarm didn't go off, it's 9:15!

You're gonna miss the plane, it's 9:15!

[GROGGILY] 9:15?

Yeah, 9:15!

Eh, we'll never make it. I'll leave tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Are you crazy?!

No. Now, now.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

You get dressed. You get dressed.

How could I be with someone like you?

Wouldn't respect myself.

Put your pants on.

I'll go tomorrow or the next day.

No, you have your ticket. You have to go now.

We'll never make it.

Don't say that.

Well, it takes 45 minutes to get--

It takes 45 minutes to get there,

It takes 45 minutes to get there,

that will only leave me 5 minutes to get to the plane.

Shut up and pack!

I take it all back, every word!

I love you!

I love you!

It's not you. It's me.

You're giving me

the "it's not you, it's me" routine?

I invented "it's not you, it's me."

Nobody tells me it's them, not me.

If it's anybody, it's me.

All right.

George, it's you.

You're damn right it's me.

You're damn right it's me.

Elaine... Hm?

you don't know the first thing about first base.

Oh. Well, I know something about gettin' to first base.

And I know you'll never be there.

The way I figure it, I've already been there.

I plan on rounding second tonight at around 11:00.

[LAUGHS]

Well, uh...

I'd watch the third-base coach if I were you,

'cause I don't think he's wavin' you in.

I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.

I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.

Tuesday night?

What happened Tuesday night?

I saw your act.

My act? Wh-what does that have to do with anything?

To be honest, it...

just didn't make it for me.

It was just so much fluff.

So, what're you saying?

You didn't like my act?

So that's it?

I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

You're a cashier.

You don't know my name, do you?

You don't know my name, do you?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

It rhymes with a female body part.

What is it?

Mulva?

I think you're really sick.

I'm not sick.

You said much sicker things than me.

I'm leaving.

So, where were we?

I was just leaving.

Right. You were leaving.

I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.

That was an accident.

That was an accident.

I think you're both mentally ill.

Ohhh...

And by the way...

they're real, and they're spectacular.

Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while

if we want to?

I know!

I mean, really, what is the big deal?

We go in there,

we're in there for a while,

and then we come back out here.

and then we come back out here.

That's not complicated.

It's almost stupid if we didn't.

It's moronic!

Absurd!

Of course...

I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.

Ah, you know, there are always a few.

I mean, if anything happened,

and we couldn't be friends the way we are now...

that would really be bad.

Devastating.

Because this... is very good.

And that would be good.

That would be good too.

The idea is to combine the this...

and the that...

but this cannot be disturbed.

Yeah. We-- We-- We just wanna take this...

and...

add that.

But of course, we have to figure out a way

to avoid the things that cause the little problems.

Mmm. Maybe some rules or something.

Mmm. Maybe some rules or something.

Huh.

For example...

now, I call you whenever I am inclined

and vice versa. Right.

But if we did that, we might feel...

a certain obligation to call.

Oh-- Well, why should that be?

Oh! I have an idea. I have an idea.

No calls the day after that.

Beautiful.

Let's make it a rule.

All right, sir.

Now, here's another little rule.

Yeah.

When we see each other now,

we retire to our separate quarters.

But sometimes, when people get involved with that,

they feel... pressure to...

sleep over...

when that is not really sleep.

Sleep is separate from that,

and I don't see

why sleep got all tied up and connected...

why sleep got all tied up and connected...

with that.

Okay. Okay.

Rule number two: spending the night is optional.

Well, now we're gettin' somewhere.

I slept with Elaine last night.

Oxygen.

I need some oxygen.

I thought you'd like that.

Oh, this is huge.

I know. All right.

Okay. Let's go. Details.

Okay. Let's go. Details.

No, I can't give details.

No details?

I'm not in the mood.

You asked me here to have lunch,

tell me you slept with Elaine,

and then say you're not in the mood for details.

Now, you listen to me.

I want details, and I want them right now.

I don't have a job. I have no place to go.

You're not in the mood?

Well, you get in the mood!

I was at the unemployment office,

and I told them I was very close

to getting a job with Vandelay Industries.

and I gave them your phone number.

So now, when the phone rings,

you have to answer "Vandelay Industries."

I'm Vandelay Industries?

Right.

What is that?

You're in latex.

Latex.

Yes.

And what do I do with latex?

I don't know. You manufacture it.

Right here, in this little apartment?

And what do I say about you?

You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?

I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?

Right.

[LAUGHS] I don't think so.

Man, I'm tellin' you

this pizza idea is really gonna happen.

This is the thing where you go,

and you have to make your own pizza?

Yeah. We give you the dough.

You smash it. You pound it.

You fling it up in the air.

And then you get to put your sauce,

and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then...

you slide it into the oven!

You know, you have to know how to do that.

You can't have people shoving their arms

into a 600-degree oven.

It's all supervised.

It's all supervised.

Oh, well.

Tolstoy used to write in the village square.

The faces inspired him.

Although, one wonders if War and Peace

would have been as highly acclaimed as it was

had it been published under it's original title,

War: What Is It Good For?

What?

Yeah, Mr. Lippman.

It was his mistress who insisted that he call it War and Peace.

Elaine.

War: What Is It Good For?

♪ Absolutely nothin' Huh! ♪

If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here?

If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here?

Well, you came to see me. I work in the building.

What do you do?

I'm an architect.

You're an architect?

I'm not?

I don't see architecture coming from you.

We'll make our choice in a few days,

and we'll let you know.

I have no chance, do I?

No.

You know I always wanted

to pretend that I was an architect.

What do you do?

I'm an architect.

I'm an architect.

Have you designed any buildings in New York?

Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?

You did that?

Yep, yep.

You know, it didn't take very long either.

The beauty of my book is,

if you don't have a coffee table,

it turns into a coffee table.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Isn't that fabulous?

Look at this!

What-delay industries?

No.

GEORGE: "Vandelay," say "Vandelay."

No. No, you're way, way, way off.

No. No, you're way, way, way off.

What? "Vandelay"!

Say--!

Vandelay Industries.

No problem. No problem.

And you wanna be my latex salesman.

I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

I never heard him say anything really funny.

I never heard him say anything really funny.

He's got super strength, super speed.

I'm sure he's got super humor.

Either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not.

It's not gonna change.

Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton

all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

Why?

Why would that one area of his mind

not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?

I don't know, but he ain't funny.

What's today.

It's Thursday.

Really?

It feels like Tuesday.

It feels like Tuesday.

Tuesday has no feel.

Monday has a feel.

Friday has a feel.

Sunday has a feel.

I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.

All right, shut up the both of you.

You double dipped the chip.

Double dipped?

Wh-what are you talkin' about?

You dipped the chip,

you took a bite...

and you dipped again.

So?

That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip.

Look.

From now on, when you take a chip,

From now on, when you take a chip,

just take one dip and end it!

Could I offer you something to drink?

Okay, yeah.

I'll have a--

Do you have a decaf cappuccino?

I don't think we have that.

Well, that's a little strange.

Uh, why does that surprise you?

Well, it's... It's a very popular drink.

This is an office.

That's true.

Magellan?

You like Magellan?

Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer.

Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer.

Around the world. Come on.

Who do you like?

I like de Soto.

De Soto? What did he do?

Discovered the Mississippi.

Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

I was talkin' to this guy, you know,

and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa,

and my diaphragm goes flying out.

So I just froze, you know.

Ahhh!

Staring at my diaphragm, you know.

It's just lying there.

So then this woman,

the one who sold me this hair thing,

the one who sold me this hair thing,

she grabbed it before the guy noticed.

So I mean, big deal, right?

So I carry around my diaphragm.

Who doesn't?

I mean, like it's a big, big secret

that women carry around their diaphragms.

You never know when you're gonna need it, right?

[SIGHS]

I hate Keith Hernandez. Hate him.

I despise him.

Why? NEWMAN: Why?

I'll tell you why. Let me tell her.

I'll tell you why. Let me tell her.

You can't tell her. You always tell it.

All right, tell it. Ah, you just tell it.

June 14th, 1987.

Mets-Phillies.

We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon

in the right-field stands

when a crucial Hernandez error

opens the door to a five-run Phillies 9th.

Cost the Mets the game.

Our day was ruined.

There was a lot of people, you know.

They were waiting by the players parking lot.

Now, we're comin' down the ramp.

Newman was in front of me.

Hernandez was coming toward us.

Hernandez was coming toward us.

As he passes us, Newman turns and says,

"Nice game, pretty boy."

Hernandez continued past us up the ramp.

Then, a second later,

something happened that changed us

in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.

What was it?

He spit on us.

Then I screamed out, "I'm hit!"

Then I turned,

Then I turned,

and the spit ricocheted off him and it hit me.

Wow.

What a story.

Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics

contradict the whole premise of your account.

Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes,

as I've heard this story a number of times.

Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me.

According to your story,

Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp.

Mm-hmm. Then, you say, you were struck...

Mm-hmm. Then, you say, you were struck...

...on the right temple.

The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple,

striking Newman between

the third and the forth rib.

The spit then came off the rib,

made a right turn,

hitting Newman in the right wrist,

causing him to drop

his baseball cap.

The spit then splashed off the wrist,

pauses in midair, mind you...

pauses in midair, mind you...

makes a left turn,

and lands on Newman's left thigh.

That is one magic loogie.

Story is the foundation of all entertainment.

And people really have to care about the characters.

Yeah. Forget about care. Love.

They have to love the characters.

Now get the hell out of my house.

Quiet!

You shut up.

As of now, you're banned from the store. You're banned!

It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough.

I have a hair on my tongue.

I have a hair on my tongue.

Can't get it off.

You know how much I hate that?

Soup's not a meal.

You're supposed to buy me a meal.

Yeah, well, just keep out of my business, you big ape.

Who you callin' "big ape"?

I'm calling you an ape.

Yeah, come on.

All right. Break it up, break it up.

Come on, you two.

Just cut it out now.

But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk

into the New York Public Library, fella.

We had a funny guy with us in Korea.

A tail gunner.

They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.

There's nothin' funny about that.

We will annex Poland by the spring at any cost!

And our stock will rise high!

You may think you're an idiot,

but with all due respect,

I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

Listen. Don't insult me, my friend.

Remember who you're talking to.

No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Am I a hipster doofus?

No. No.

Said I'm not good-lookin' enough for her.

Said I'm not good-lookin' enough for her.

Not good-looking.

Jerry, look at me. Look at my face, huh.

Am I beautiful?

George, am I beautiful?

You're very attractive.

Yeah!

Is it possible

I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

We're not gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

No, of course not.

I mean, it's fine if that's who you are. Absolutely.

I mean,I have many gay friends My father's gay.

Look, I-- I know what I heard.

Heard? It was a joke.

Look, you wanna have sex right now?

Look, you wanna have sex right now?

Do you wanna have sex with me right now?

Let's go!

Come on! Let's go, baby!

Come on!

Hey, come on. Let's go.

I thought we were gonna take a steam.

No, I don't want any steam. No. No steam.

Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.

You fake?

On occasion.

And the guy never knows?

No.

How could he not know that?

[SENSUALLY] Because I was good.

[SENSUALLY] Because I was good.

I guess after that many beers,

he's probably a little groggy anyway.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well...

you didn't know.

What's that?

You didn't know.

Are you saying--?

Ahem, I think I'll have a piece of cake.

With me? Well...

You faked with me?

Yeah. You faked with me?

Yes. No.

Yes. You faked it.

I faked it.

That whole thing, the whole production,

That whole thing, the whole production,

it was all an act.

Not bad, huh?

What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning,

the screaming?

Fake, fake, fake, fake.

I'm disturbed.

I'm depressed.

I'm inadequate.

I got it all!

Can't you see what's happened?

I've become George.

Don't say that.

It's true.

I'm George.

I'm George!

Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

Yeah.

No, no. No, wait a minute.

I always have tuna on toast.

Nothing's every worked out for me with tuna on toast.

I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast.

Chicken salad on rye...

untoasted...

with a side of potato salad...

and a cup of tea! Ha-ha!

Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

You know, chicken salad's not the opposite of tuna.

Salmon's the opposite of tuna,

'cause salmon swim against the current,

and the tuna swim with it.

Good for the tuna.

Uh, George.

You know that woman just looked at you.

GEORGE: So what?

What am I supposed to do?

Go talk to her.

Elaine...

bald men with no jobs and no money

who live with their parents

don't approach strange women.

Well, here's your chance to try the opposite.

Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women,

chicken salad and goin' right up to 'em.

chicken salad and goin' right up to 'em.

Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

If every instinct you have is wrong,

then the opposite would have to be right.

Yes.

I will do the opposite.

I used to sit here and do nothing

and regret it for the rest of the day.

So now I will do the opposite, and I will do something.

Excuse me,

Excuse me,

uh, I couldn't help but notice

that you were looking in my direction.

Oh, yes, I was.

You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

My name is George.

I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents.

I'm Victoria. Hi.

Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty!

Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty!

These pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

These pretzels...

are making me thirsty!

Boy, I'm really startin' to dislike the Drake.

Hate the Drake.

[SNEEZES]

You are soooo good-lookin'.

You can't believe her, she's one of these low talkers.

You know, because he's a high talker.

He's nice. Bit of a close talker.

How 'bout you, Jerry?

I'm swamped.

Are you sure?

You could examine the artwork up close.

ELAINE: I don't have a square to spare.

ELAINE: I don't have a square to spare.

I can't spare a square.

I need hands. I have no hands.

[WHISPERING] Newman! Newman! Newman!

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

So you're still master of your domain.

Yes. Master of my domain.

I am king of the county.

Lord of the manor.

I'm queen of the castle.

You mean...shrinkage?

Yes.

Significant shrinkage.

So you feel you were shortchanged.

Yes.

If she thinks that's me,

she's under a complete misapprehension.

So, what's the difference?

What if she discusses it with Jane?

Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.

Couldn't you tell her about the shrinkage factor?

No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage.

Besides, I... I think women know about shrinkage.

How do women know about shrinkage?

Isn't it common knowledge?

Aw...

Elaine! Elaine!

Elaine!

Get-- Come--

What?

Do women know about shrinkage?

What do you mean, like laundry?

What do you mean, like laundry?

No.

Like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...

It shrinks?

Like a frightened turtle.

Why does it shrink?

It just does.

I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

GEORGE: Um, about the script.

The script.

Now, I've read this thing three times.

And every time I read it...

What?

Excuse me for a second.

What?

W-would you like a Pepto-Bismol?

I keep 'em in my wallet.

Do you think he liked it?

[RETCHING]

[RETCHING]

I'm not sure.

Yeah!

[SINGING OPERATICALLY IN ITALIAN]

Waaaaaaah!

The air conditioner!

[DOG BARKING, YELPS]

My mother caught me.

Caught you? Doin' what?

You know...

I was alone...

You mean--?

Uh-huh.

[LAUGHS] She caught you?

Where?

I stopped by the house to drop the car off,

I stopped by the house to drop the car off,

and I went inside for a few minutes.

Nobody was there.

They're supposed to be working.

My mother had a Glamour magazine.

I started leafing through it.

Glamour?

[LAUGHS]

So one thing led to another.

So, what did she do?

First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!"

Then it looked like she was gonna faint.

She started clutchin' the wall, tryin' to hang onto it.

I didn't know whether to try and keep her from fallin' or zip up.

What did you do?

What did you do?

I zipped up.

So, she fell? Yeah.

Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was.

No, I guess you couldn't have done that.

I wouldn't think so.

So, she fell, and then she starts screaming,

"My back, my back!"

So I picked her up, I took her to the hospital.

[LAUGHS] Oh. How is she?

She's in traction.

I'm sorry.

It's not funny, Elaine.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's serious.

Her back went out, she's gotta be there for a couple of days.

Glamour?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

I'll tell you this though.

I am never doing...

that again.

What?

You mean, in your mother's house, or all together?

All together.

Oh, gimme a break. Yeah, right.

What? You don't think I can?

No chance.

You think you could?

Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

Care to make it interesting?

Sure. How much?

Hundred dollars.

You're on.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Count me in on this.

You? Yeah.

You'll be out before we get the check.

I wanna be in on this too.

Oh, no. No. No, no.

Not a level playing field. Why?

It's a whole different thing. What? Why?

Because you're a woman.

So what?

It's easier for a woman

not to do it than a man.

We have to do it.

It's part of our lifestyle.

It's like, uh, shaving.

Oh, that is such bologna.

I shave my legs.

Not every day.

Not every day.

All right, you want to be in?

Yeah. You gotta give us odds.

At least two to one.

You gotta put up $200.

No, $1000.

No, I'll put up $150.

All right. You're in for $150.

Okay, $150.

All right, now. How we gonna monitor this?

Well, obviously we all know each other very well.

I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable

within the confines of the honor system.

All right. Come on.

ALL: Yeah!

Fire!

[ALL SCREAMING]

We have sacrificed everything,

all for the sake of our little...

bubble boy.

Excuse me.

Oh, no. Here.

It's amazing how many beautiful women live in New York.

Well, you're as pretty as any of them.

Well, you're as pretty as any of them.

Just need a nose job.

♪ Yankee bean ♪

♪ Yankee bean ♪

♪ I like my Yankee beans ♪

In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony

when they were growin' up.

I had a pony.

Well, I...didn't, uh...

When I was a little girl in Poland,

When I was a little girl in Poland,

we all had ponies.

My sister had pony.

My cousin had pony.

So, what's wrong with that?

Nothing, nothing at all.

He was a beautiful pony.

And I loved him.

Well, I'm sure you did.

Who wouldn't love a pony?

Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?

You.

You said so.

That's my father's cabin.

I just realized,

you never gave me back the change from the tolls.

So you heard that I was in a car accident

So you heard that I was in a car accident

and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?

Well...

the counter, ahem, was right there.

I didn't know she had a pony.

Who figures an immigrant's gonna have a pony?

I mean, in all the pictures I saw

of immigrants on boats comin' into New York Harbor...

I never saw one of them sittin' on a pony.

But why would anyone come here if they had a pony?

But why would anyone come here if they had a pony?

Who leaves a country packed with ponies

to come to a non-pony country?

It doesn't make sense.

Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity,

exposing the body's internal organs.

What are you eating?

Junior Mints.

You want one? No.

I can't see.

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Could you get...?

Where'd you get those?

In the machine. Do you want one?

No. Here.

Take one. I don't want one.

No, they're good. Take one.

I don't want any. Just take one.

No, Kramer. Stop it.

[SPLAT]

It's a Junior Mint.

Drake's Coffee Cake.

Snapple? No, thanks.

Snapple? No, thanks.

PEZ? Uh, no.

PEZ? Uh, no.

Do you have a box of Jujyfruits?

Clark Bar.

I love Yoo-hoo.

Ooh, Chunkys.

Chocolate babka.

It's Gore-Tex.

Ooh, cashmere?

No, Gore-Tex.

Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint?

It's chocolate, it's peppermint.

It's delicious! That's true.

It's very refreshing!

What's goin' on over here?

There's a beached whale. She's dying.

MAN: Is anyone here a marine biologist?

GEORGE: The sea was angry that day, my friends.

Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

I got about 50 feet out, when suddenly...

the great beast appeared before me.

I tell you, he was 10 stories high if he was a foot.

As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow.

I said, "Easy, big fella."

I said, "Easy, big fella."

And then... as I watched him struggling, I realized

that something was obstructing its breathing.

From where I was standing,

I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Mammal. Whatever.

Well, what did you do next?

Well, then, from out of nowhere,

a huge tidal wave lifted me,

tossed me like a cork,

and I found myself right on top of him,

face-to-face with the blowhole!

I-- I could barely see from the waves

crashing down upon me,

but I knew something was there.

but I knew something was there.

So I reached my hand in, felt around,

and pulled out the obstruction!

What is that, a Titleist?

A hole in one, huh?

So we go in to NBC.

We tell 'em we got an idea for a show about nothing.

Exactly. They say,

"What's your show about?"

I say, "nothing." There you go.

I think you may have something here.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Look, why don't you two just go to the movies by yourself?

I'm not in the mood.

Well, me either. I'm goin' to Sky Burger.

So you're not goin'?

You don't need us.

Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself.

What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

Oh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.

Should we tell him we're leaving?

What for? Let's just get outta here.

What for? Let's just get outta here.

Seinfeld, four!